One of the worst things I ever did........oy, it is so hard for me to admit......was push my sister down the stairs. I could have hurt her. I could have paralyzed her. I could have killed her.
You see, many years ago, I was in a much better place from the outside in than my sister. I had a corporate job, I was making good money, I had tons of friends, I had a nice apartment, an awesome roommate, I had possibilities.
My sister, she was stuck. She was broke. She was trying to follow her dreams. She was confused. She was mending a broken heart. She was pretty much where I am now. I am sure it must have been really hard for her to wake up each and everyday when everyone else seemed to have everything she didn't.
On the night of the push, I was out with my friends. It was a Friday. I was drunk. I was actually wasted. I had had perhaps 6 drinks and 8 shots over the course of the evening and I was not the person to call when you needed help, but I am her sister, who else should she call?
My sister had been robbed. Now now, don't get all worried. My sister lost her wallet, got robbed, or misplaced items of life importance: phone, keys, ID, herself....on the regular. She had just moved to a new less expensive place and hired some painter off of Craigslist to spruce up the walls. Robber Painter painted her place the ugly green and purple she requested and then he came back when she was at work after she overshared her schedule and took her TV, her toaster, and some of her plastic furniture.....honestly, there was nothing to steal. Now, she needed my help, my drunk help, in the midst of my almost regular Friday night blackout.
When I arrived, staggering, we got into a fight. I told her she was dumb for being robbed and she told me I was drunk (I was WASTED) and then we said all the things only sisters know to say to really push buttons and get the blood boiling:
Sister: Why are you so fat?
R & F: Why are you such a loser?
Sister: Why are you an alcoholic?
R & F: Why do you have no friends?
Sister: Why don't you ever have a boyfriend?
R & F: Why can't get get a real job?
Sister: Why do you try to be this person you aren't, why can't you see how fucked up you are?
R & F: PUSH
I could have seriously killed my sister. She fell down a steep flight of stairs. The service stairs outside of an apartment building. I am so lucky, god I am so lucky, I believe in angels and they were there that night knowing my sister, my family, they shouldn't have to suffer this because of me. I will always view this as my real get out of jail free card. Her life could have been so different......
I was spared. I was fucking spared. She barely had a scratch.
I really stopped the destructive drinking after that. Do I still drink occasionally? Yes. Did I ever get violent like that again? No. But the truth lives here and I did push Awful a few times, mostly when I would bring up marriage drunk and he wouldn't directly answer my questions. OMG, I am as cliche as a Lifetime movie........Guilty as charged. I do have a drink from time to time, in the right company and usually out of town and I enjoy it and I know when to stop, so I will give myself a pat on the back as we all know me and food....yeesh, not so good.
Truth, I mostly hate my brother-in-law because he brings up this incident a lot. I know he is married to my sister, but this incident happened 4 years before he ever met my sister. I just feel like it isn't really his story to bring up. This is how he brings it up:
Sister: What do you want to order for dinner?
R & F: Pizza
Sister: Let's get pizza.
Brother-in-law: Why don't you push your sister down the stairs.
R & F: Lump in throat. Tears spring to eyes. Sushi is fine, I am really tired, I am going to take a little nap and then I go into the guest room and cry (my favorite hobby) into my pillow until my cali rolls arrive.
Every time he says it, it brings me back to that night. The 15 seconds after I pushed her, drunk as shit, eyes still focusing, heart pounding, waiting for her to get up, to not be paralyzed, to not be dead.
Every time he says it, he makes me hate myself a little bit more, so that is why I really can't stand him.