Sunday, September 23, 2012


Drunkorexia is another "new craze" that has been around forever.... I won't claim to be the founder, but I was definitely in the club for about 9 years (age 20 - 29)....I mean, you can't do the horrible things I did and said without some booze rattling the already messed up mind.

I started college a bit fluffy (word we like to call chubby in my circle) for me.  I was looking sleek senior year, but then I had a very bad accident summer before college which left me in bed isolating myself and drinking milkshakes.

Then, OY, the Freshman 40 happened.  I mean, I started college as a perfectly fluffy size 12 (up from a no-hipped 10) and ballooned to a size 16 by Xmas break.  This was brought to you exclusively by rounds at the dining hall (like 4 plates full at each meal as we later found out, the ring leader of the "eating team" was actually bulimic....R&F in college = TOTAL dumb ass), drinking every night, and pizza breadsticks at 3am (ROCK BOTTOM INVOLVED TEQUILA, BREADSTICKS, PEE, VOMIT, BED, ALONE).

ALSO, if you are going to college, invest $10.00 and buy a full-length mirror from Wal-Mart.  I did not have one in my college dorm room and I remember coming home on break and looking in the mirror and thinking "who is this person?" when I saw that I had eaten my former self.  Also, true story, my friends and I all got fat (I do believe I gained the most weight...WINNING HERE) freshman year and we developed this lie, this notion, that we weren't fat, it was actually the mirror's fault (fuck you, you, you, mirrrrrrooooorrrrrrrrr!).  The term "fat mirror" was coined to help us deal with our excessive fatness and I truly believed most of the time that I looked HOT, it was the fun house mirror at Express lying to me.

Did I digress again?  You know it!!!

Back to Drunkorexia......well, by summer going into junior year, I was done with the excuses.  I wanted to be a girl of the year 2000 and wear backless tops, show my nipples and sideboob, stuff myself into some black pants, and perhaps even a baby-tee that showed my navel.  I wanted to be my own version of She's All That, only my metamorphosis wouldn't be from nerd to hot, it would be from fat to thin.  Also and most importantly, I heard that someone who I considered a friend had nicknamed me something that had to do with a huge zoo animal.

So, I enrolled in WeightWatchers, just like Jessica Simpson.  Only I did it more than a decade before her, so I am cooler (actually, I LOVE her for real, so she is way cooler, always! I wish her weight loss as I know this all must be so hard for her and those daisy dukes are like a size minus zero and I was never ever a size minus zero).  Only my "version" of WeightWatchers involved eating as many zero points foods as I could (sugar free jello, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, diet soda) and then drinking my points.  So, I would eat 27 points a day made up of this: 2 points for egg whites, 0 points for sugar free jello and lettuce, and 25 points for green apple vodka.  WHOOOOOT! Get it girl, you can count!  I lost 39.5 pounds in just under 4 months and actually maintained that loss give or take about 7 pounds for the rest of college.  I also farted like a machine, reeked of asparagus pee, and got all my energy from Diet Cherry Pepsi and Parliament Lights.  I basically was Tara Reid.

After college, I did begin to eat as there were yummy restaurants to try and paychecks to not save.  Anytime I knew I would be drinking though (which was often), I restricted my calories to less than 500 or so in an attempt to get drunk really fast and have calories to soak up the booze with late night food (pizzas, say what!?).

Even though I am not down too much, I look so much better booze-free.  I am less puffy and bloated and I have eyes now, not just 2 little slits that rest in my face that are red and blood-shot.

I am so surprised that WeightWatchers never asked me to be an official spokesperson.....

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