Partner in Crime

It feels good to have a partner in crime.

Someone to eat meals with.  Someone to take walks with.  Someone to help me carry my groceries up the stairs.

The transition from long distance to in-town love has been easy.  I must admit, much better than I expected.  I was a bit worried about how Crush and I would settle in.  Especially, because I really like my own personal space and I can be OCD tidy.  He wants to be next to me all of the time and he is an epic slob.  Yet, we are making this work because for the last year, I have been clear about my expectations and he has been clear about his.  There are no surprises and we are balancing being together wonderfully.

Something that I have always known about myself is that I require downtime.  Alone time where I can do some work (surf the Internet), watch Bravo, and examine my pores.  Yes, it isn't like I do much with the time, I just need it!

Something I hated when I was with Awful was his lack of understanding of my need to be alone.  To not have plans.  To not host guests for dinner more than 1 night a week.  He wanted people around him all of the time.  Being alone scares him, whereas being alone recharges me.

This week, Crush and I have been invited somewhere each and every day.  Brunches, lunches, suppers, cocktails, concerts, picnics.  People have showed interest in meeting me and I am very flattered, yet exhausted.  If these plans were just Crush and myself, I would be fine, but having to make an effort and  conversation aka "be on", well it takes a lot out of me.

Yesterday, over lunch, Crush mentioned going to a friends house on Saturday for an impromptu dinner party and I did something I was never able to do in the past without being massively passive-aggressive.  I said the following:

"Honey, I am really enjoying meeting everyone, but I am getting a bit tired.  I need some me time.  Time to sleep well, go to the gym, search for a job, and acclimate myself.  Whereas I love socializing, I also love staying in and watching TV and cooking just as much.  I want a chance to just have us time, so if possible, can we keep this week light with plans and ask them for a rain check in a few weeks?"

He then told me something that was like music to my ears:

"Yes, I often don't have plans like this.  Everyone wants to meet you and honestly, I am so tired and I am getting overwhelmed by all of this running around.  I just wanted to give you a chance to meet new people and make friends, so I didn't want to limit your opportunities here."

He is a sweet one.

The thing is that I am lucky.  At 32, I know I will make some more dear friends here and there, but I already have my friends for life.

It makes staying in with my Bravo and Trader Joe's frozen delicacies, even a bit more satisfying.

Bragger

I used to be a bragger.  Correction.  I used to be a liar.

Exaggerations just fell out of my mouth.  I seriously did not know what I was talking about half the time.

Since I was drunk half the time, perhaps it was the vodka talking.

Sorry to anyone on the receiving end of my nonsense.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine was in town from the West coast and we chatted a bit about the idea of bragging over our spicy California rolls (YUM!).

My friend is in a serious relationship with a wonderful and established man (I finally met him after lunch and he is just as dreamy and sweet as I thought he would be) and they happen to have a very nice life together.

My friend lives in a fabulous city, takes amazing trips,  goes to the opera, the symphony, and out to fancy suppers.  Her man friend owns a few properties, including a vacation home and they enjoy their weekends in the country when they aren't working too hard at a very large and well known company.

My friend mentioned that sometimes it is difficult to catch up with old friends (she was back in town for a brief visit) without sounding braggy, but I totally understand what she is saying.  I do not consider her stories to be bragging, it just happens to be what is going on currently in her life.  The truth.  Her reality.

Before you throw rocks and sticks at me, I will admit, that my life with Crush is also a bit braggy.  He comes from a very established place and there are no shortage of fancy parties, nice suppers, and multiple residents to visit.  But, if he lived in a box, I would still date him. I didn't know about all this until a few months after we started dating and he was very protective of his life and what he shared with me initially.  I was already in love with him by the time I found out about any spoils.  He holds his cards close.

When I meet up with certain people, I find myself censoring my stories.  Instead of explaining that I was at a fancy party, I may just leave huge chunks out.  The old me would have poured on and on about it, but with some age has come some rather recent humility.  And, I am still working on it.  I notice that I can brag without realizing it because old habits die hard.

Being humble is still something I am getting the hang of.  Especially in our society where I do feel like bragging is part of the territory if you are active on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.  It is hard to not feel compelled to share the best parts of your life and leave out the less glamorous ones.

I am also a lot more private now, so I don't even like sharing ALL of the details of my life like I used to in daily conversations.  That is what blogging is for!!!!

Since I am hyper paranoid about what other people think of me, I worry about this sort of thing more than I should.  I worry about everything more than I should......

I know I can come across as obnoxious as a veil for my insecurity.  I get this.

I don't want to be know as Miss Braggy Pants in my new town.  Where I am going being humble is expected regardless of the situation.

I am practicing.

Facebook Feelings

As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of Facebook.  It the midst of moving back home and hitting rock bottom, I deactivated my account because it was too much for me to handle.  I was jealous of everyone's life (again with the jealousy...oy!) and their good fortune.  Facebook made me even more insecure, bitter, and depressed.

Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame.  From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet.  Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out!  Dying a slow death like Myspace.

Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does.  He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating.  He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.

BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)

Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile.  I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos.  He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him).  Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree.  I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.

In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend.  Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook.  He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....

SIDE NOTE:  So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone?  They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking! 

So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status.  And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn.  Then,  Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.

Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone.  I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.

BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me.  I felt like it wasn't truly our business.  That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.

A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.

My feeling on all this is pretty simple.  I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to.  I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need.  For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal.  I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.

I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant.  That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't.  12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.

I find it all to be exhausting.  I know it isn't healthy for me.  Especially for my anxiety.

I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.

I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view.  He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!).  He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.

I know my feelings about FB are not the majority.  If I could handle it, I would partake, too.

I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.

Birth OUT OF Control

I went off my birth control pills 2 weeks ago.

I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

I have been on and off birth control since I was 18 years old.

I have never felt quite right on it.

After Awful and I broke up and I made my pilgrimage home, I went off of it and in a few months, I did feel a bit better, but I didn't connect it.  I was simply in a better place for me emotionally, so everything felt better, birth control or not.

In October, when things started to get serious with Crush, I went back on it.

This time, the change was very clear to me.  I felt like every little thing was setting me off.  My emotions were ALL over the place.  I was picking fights with Crush on a daily basis.  He kept asking me, "is everything alright?" and it was and it wasn't all at the same time.

The birth control elevated my anxiety and I also put on some new pounds...but I am not sure that it was directly related as I was binging a lot and often...but, I was feeling very hungry.  I felt super tired.  I felt like I was viewing life from behind a veil.

A few months ago, Smartie Best Friend mentioned that when she was on birth control, everything upset her and she just didn't feel like herself on it.

LIGHT BULB.

I called my doctor and she explained that sometimes, it takes a few different tries on several different types of birth control to see what works best.  I knew this and didn't feel like taking any for a while, so I ended my pill pack and now I am taking a BC vacay.  I am not seeing Crush until August and condoms are fine for now.....I am so stressed out with everything going on, I don't have any lusty feelings in me anyway.

I think my body just doesn't deal with hormones well.

Anyone else feel this way?

I Can't Breathe and Lots of Random Reflection Upon My Birthday

I have been having quite a week....

It hasn't been a good one.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I am exhausted.

All of the goals I wanted to accomplish this year, many of them simply didn't happen for me.

I am okay with this.

I am okay with the current trend of failure that is occurring in my life....I see it all as a sign that I MUST leave.  I knew this 6 years ago.  I felt it then.  And I stayed.

My walls have crumbled.  I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  College fat is now a goal of mine.  I want to be college fat because it will be thinner than I am now.

I like to really tangle things up good before I accept the things I have always known...including that I will never be able to achieve my greatest successes in a place that I do not feel comfortable living.  Among the gossip, slander, and hatred that I will never understand.  And yet, I know that this badness exists everywhere.  I know this.  But, I have the chance to start-over.  To redefine myself.  To press the reset button.  It is like the summer before college ALL over again.  EXCITING.

I have halfway fallen in love with myself this year and it is confusing.  To love me, I cannot love all of the other people that I have allowed myself to be tricked by....because I am so different.  My values, my morals, my want for something better.  So, some days I wake up hating myself.  I hate myself for still letting myself be emotionally affected by people I will never respect.  Wash and repeat.  Every single day.

It isn't just high school BS holding me back.  It is the fact that I feel like I am hiding out.  From Awful.  From former clients.  From former school mates that have houses, cars, and husbands while I am living at home.

There is one particular person I really don't want to see.  She lives mere blocks away from my parents.  I HATE HER.  I have always considered her a frenemy....Now, when I think I see her in her car driving....I switch lanes, pull over, make u-turns....FOR WHAT?  She is the idiotic fool and yet I am the one hiding myself.  WHERE IS MY SENSE?

My anxiety and stress are ballooning.  I feel a tight constriction of life strangling me with every sunrise.  Months ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now sleep is my only salvation.  I can't get enough sleep.  When I wake up at 6:00 am, I negotiate why I need to stay in bed until 9:00 am......I haven't slept like this EVER.  In my dreams, I find the life I crave.  I truly believe that happiness is around the corner.

I DESERVE IT.

I HAVE THIS "FUCK YOU" FANTASY WHERE I SEE EVERYONE I HATE AND I WIN.

AND WHY....WHY...DO I EVEN CARE?!

Because truly inside I cannot figure out if I even care or not and this is most confusing of all.

There is a saying that no matter how old you are, when you come home, you will always be a child and I FEEL that.  My parents are the BEST, but still......I am nagged to pick up my room, encourage to eat what my Mom and Dad are having for supper and them shamed for not going to the gym each and every day regardless of my schedule.  There are trigger foods in my home that lead me to binges, yet I cannot keep my parents from bringing these foods into their own home....BECAUSE IT IS THEIR HOME and my father has changed so much since he retired, that he wouldn't understand the emotional issues I am having with food, even if I screamed them into his ears with a megaphone.

He used to be there for me, always.  Now, he is tired of me.  His mother is taking away his patience.  I wouldn't want to be him for a day...having to deal with her.  I get this.  I feel for him.  I am not a child.  I have to get my own shit together, too.

If I stayed here, in the Midwest, I believe I would eventually become unable to leave my home.  I would crumble.  Fall apart.  Reach 300 pounds before I knew it.  I now see life differently.  I see how people cannot get out of something they are stuck in and yet, I have been gifted with the 1 way ticket out of this pit.  I am lucky.

Just getting up and getting out is a constant struggle.  I do it, I do not let people down, but it is becoming a tug of war with my soul.  It is becoming something that I can no longer take for granted....just like how my clothes in my closet used to fit and now they don't.....my life feels like it belongs to someone else these days.  My coping mechanism is saying the amount of days I have left here until I leave. I repeat the number like a ritual.  It gets me through my days.

The visit with Crush was fine.  Not that eventful.  Good.  I cannot relax here in this city, so our visits are always better down south when I am not protecting myself so closely.  He frustrates me terribly, but who doesn't these days?  I know it is me, NOT him.  I am the one having severe issues as of late and accepting my crazy instead of passing it onto to him is major progress in itself.  

I have reached my breaking point.  Yet, I have WONDERFUL people to help this summer and then I will be on my way out of here and towards a better life.  My goal for this summer is to simply survive, to be the BEST worker I can be.  To not worry about my weight as I don't see myself being able to commit to it in this uneasy emotional environment for me.  I have accepted this.  I will cope.  One foot in front of the other until the numbers of days left to chant is 0.

Yet, I want revenge.  There....I said it.  I want blood sucking revenge on a few people and I intend to get it.  Like a lady, but I will get it.  And the fact that I am even sharing this makes me seem like an unhinged freak....but, hell....perhaps I am.  I am a steel magnolia.  I may look like I lay down and play dead and get walked all over, but that phase of life has ended.  Sorry, if you want to make it public and personal, then it will be public and personal from my side, too....especially if you owe me money for my time.

Please understand that a man cannot fix everything.  There I said it.  I know I wanted Crush to be my everything.  My life preserver in this wild sea of change.  BUT, I have to save myself first.  Love, money, a big diamond ring....none of that will ever make me feel whole unless I am whole on the inside.  And I will have all that.  And where I am from, those things: the money, the big ring...that determines who wins.  SICK.  BUT TRUE.  And in those ways, I will win.  But, none of this matters to me anymore....and it once did.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I kinda dated Awful for his money.  Because that defined him and made him more attractive to me.  His money presented opportunities and I liked them.  HATE ME.  I get it, but I am not lying.  Yet, Crush has so much more than anything Awful did and I am over it.  I wish Crush had less, so we could live a bit of a simpler life with less expectations and obligations.

Where I want to win is by being a good person.  An honest person.  A real person.  A kind person.  A person that can actually do all she says she will do.....

I think this is where I am conflicted these days.  AND I KNOW BETTER.  I have been thin before for little blips and whenever I would slip into those size 29 jeans and strut around like a little proud peacock, I would get this sense of "that's it?"  All of the deprivation, hours at the gym, self-obsessing and hatred....that's it?!  Yes, of course being slim feels fucking fantastic, but not mind blowing.  Just okay, really after the novelty of it wears off.  Because 155 pounds or 210 pounds, I am still a bit broken on the inside and this may be my life struggle.  Not fixing my outside, but fixing my inside.

So, yes, Crush's love gets me through my days.  The promise of tomorrow and September and all that jazz.  But, he is just a man.  Just a person and like me, far from perfect.  He is the one for me, but now that I found him, he is not my entire identity.  He is not what defines me.  I am still me.  I am just no longer single.  

I HATED when I was single blog reader and a blogger who I once identified with so much would find a significant other and all of a sudden there was no longer darkness and only LIGHT.  Everything was sunshine and roses.  AMAZING.  Moonlight strolls and sex on the beach.  I was her for a little bit, too.

Now, my honeymoon period is over.  It is.  I think this is where most people stop with the honesty.  Because they don't want to admit that what they yearned for is not all they hoped it would be.  You can still be head of over heels in love with someone and have bad days, weeks, or months.  I met my prince charming and I am still fat, broke, and anxiety-ridden. I am still struggling.  I am still conflicted.

On this birthday (in a few days), I give myself a gift that I never have before....the ability to be myself.  I hope this will be the gift that keeps on giving, until I am old and gray....To say, do, and feel whatever I want.  I give myself the permission to be sad, happy, lonely, or stressed...to accept failure and to learn from it.  To eat ice cream for breakfast if that is what my body is truly craving.  To have good days even if the scale is not where I want it to be.

This last year, a client that fired me (a miserable person who I should have NEVER agreed to work with....I felt like I HAD to because I helped several of her friends, but it was a bad fit from the very start and I am happy I didn't continue, my biggest mistake was accepting them or not firing them first and this haunts me....) told me that she doesn't know how I can "wake up in the mirror and look at myself because I am such a terrible person, a liar, a con-artist, a fraud."  She told me, "I will never make it in life, never amount to anything" that I will "die unhappy and alone and broken" and all I could think was...YOU.  You are this person.  Not me.  You are projecting your life onto me.  Your divorce, your failed relationships, your fading beauty.

This conversation has taunted me 100s of times a day.  It has.  It has given me doubt.  It has led me to rush to the toilet and vomit sometimes when I think about it at the gym where my mind really wanders.

It was my rock bottom.

Because none of the things she said are true.

If anything, it was my goodness and heart that she will never understand because she is the example of the kind of person I can never help: vapid, stupid, self obsessed, jealous, cunning, and insincere.

And yet, she fascinates me...how does a person like her get the power to make me unhappy?

This is something I am still working on....

A Weekend in Review and Apple Cider Vinegar

I had a very emotional weekend this past weekend.

I could NOT figure out why I was so blue until I looked at the date and realized that I was supposed to be working, but it was an event I was fired from....Even though I was SO SUPER RELIVED.....I also slugged around feeling like a bit of a failure...

On the plus side, I have been in a great workout place lately which I am proud of.  Not obsessed, just balanced.  I have been visiting the gym 4-6 times a week and on days I do not make it there, I do a 30 minute free weight routine while I watch Hulu on my laptop.....it works!  4 years ago when I was actually the thinnest I have ever been (around the time Sissy got married I got down to 160 pounds and a solid size 10 which is small for me!), I did my free weights everyday while watching Bravo and it was the weights and not just the Spinning that really helped the scale budge.....

I had to think back to what worked for me in my decades of dieting and working out and I HIGHLY recommend a little light weights (I lift 5 pound weights at home and then 7.5 - 10 pound weights at the gym) for maximum shrinkage.

Saturday, I went on a 35 mile bike ride with my Dad.  How awesome is my Dad!!!  He will be 65 next month and he is in terrific shape which I never give him credit for.....he can ski 10 days in a row out West and bike for miles and miles and he is a great role model because the man has NEVER been a member of a gym!  Dad loves activity and found sports he enjoys and tries to do them often.  We are bike buddies and even have the same bike!  When I was a baby, my Dad would put me on the back of his bike (the original baby bike seats that were on the back and not the front of bikes like they are now) and I actually remember getting too big for my baby bike seat when I was 3 and being REALLY upset....it is one of my first memories!

Dad and I rode to a little town we love to make our rest stop because it is full of quaint cafes, bars, and ice cream shops.  He gets a beer, I get ice cream and we sit and chat with lots of other people enjoying life and it always puts me in great mood...which I needed.  On Saturday, Dad actually asked me to slow down a few times which means I have been improving!  Since I have been training for my upcoming Century (100 mile) ride in October, I have upped my pace from 12-13 miles an hour to 14-15 miles an hour and Dad likes to ride a bit more leisurely...made me feel great as those hours in the gym are paying off.

After the bike ride, Mom, Dad, and I went out for burgers and it made me really sad as I remember the time (even up to 2 years ago!) when I would rather be hanging out with many other people than my own parents, but now I am just so blessed and fortunate that spending a day with my family is what I look forward to most.  I am REALLY going to miss them.  Being away from Mom and Dad will be my biggest transition I am anticipating out of everything.

Yesterday, I had an AWESOME workout at the gym, caught up on email, and ate a massive amount of sushi for dinner....again perfection!

Before bed, Crush and I had a wonderful chat about the future and I am feeling much better about EVERYTHING.   I realize now that my issues with the money are simply because of how Awful treated his trust (yes, this is the second man I have dated from family money and with a trust fund), and Crush is so different: generous, better with money and seeing the future (Awful loves to SPEND and Crush loves to SAVE), and Crush's commitment to his family and past and future investments are much deeper than Awful's.  Crush wants to leave something for the next generation whereas Awful just wanted to buy tons of motorcycles!  All will be fine and I need to stop worrying and start functioning.

Apple cider vinegar time....:

You may not know this, but ACV is an amazing cure-all for many things: acne scars, indigestion, weight loss support, and most importantly for psoriasis relief!  Again, I love TRYING so many things, that I often forget what works best and ACV has always topically helped my skin...even though it can stink!

I began researching it again after a particular itchy few weeks from stress and I learned that ingesting it has wonderful properties that many many many people truly believe in.

ACV has the power to re-adjust ph levels in the body and purify toxins.  So.....for the last 2 weeks, I have been drinking 2 AVC drink mixtures a day.  1 after breakfast and 1 in the evening.  I make mine by mixing 1 TBSP unfiltered AVC (Heinz and Braggs are good brands....you need the kind with the "Mother" in it as it has the best healing properties) with 16 ounces of seltzer water and 3 ounces of natural (I like either Newman's or Simply) lemonade.  After a few days, I have been actually craving this little drink....yes, it is an acquired taste and the ACV is STRONG, but after I have my ACV, I experience a surge of energy and I do not feel hungry for a while....YAY!

The ACV is acidic, so I drink mine with a straw and brush my teeth after I finish it as I don't want the enamel on my teeth to weaken anymore than it already has (my 7 year diet soda addiction....4-7 cans a day...was not kind to my teeth!).

In the 2 weeks since I started my ACV, my skin is clearer (psoriasis and complexion), my hair is shiner, and my nails are longer and stronger!  I love trying natural solutions over anything else and this is a keeper!

Also, I have a scar on my tummy from my plastic surgery and I read that the ACV breaks down scars and in 2 weeks, I have seen a MAJOR difference to my scar (softened, reduce in redness)....that in itself is reason enough to try it!

Here is a link for the helpful uses for ACV and if you can handle the smell.....TRY IT!

If you have psoriasis like I do....here is another link for you!

HAPPY MONDAY!

Boston.....

Oy, my prayers go out to anyone suffering because of this newest tragedy.

When things like this happen....tragedies in public places: schools, movie theaters, planes, buildings, and now sporting events......it really makes you think...WOW, that could have been me.

It is one thing to do something risky and have something happen: jump out of a plane, ride a motorcycle, or even ski....but it is quite another to have your life taken from you by a terminal illness and it is even different to be a victim of an attack and never have the chance to say goodbye.....

These horrific attacks in public places simply equals being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

My anxiety is through the roof.  I fear everything for a few days when something like this happens.  An attack can happen ANYWHERE.  But, I have to push through it.  I have to live life to the fullest.  I have to realize that anything can happen at anytime and life must go on. There is a plan out there for all of us and who knows what that plan is.

PLEASE let this be contained and I am thinking of Boston as I lay down tonight.

Sadness and Darkness

I haven't been productive since Friday.  I get really stimulated and anxiety ridden when tragedies like the Newtown school shooting occur.

I want to look away, but I can't.  I am terrified and intrigued all at the same time.  I promised myself I wouldn't look, but one peek turned into hours of searching online.  I made myself sick and I made myself hysterical.  I then binged on Chinese food.  Crab rangoon didn't make me feel better.  My sadness cannot be filled by greasy rice.

I am a stranger to the people directly influenced by the shootings on Friday, yet, I am deeply and emotionally disturbed.  I know children that age, I have several teachers in my family, including my mom and sister, I went to elementary school many moons ago and I can remember it clearly.  I recall being 6 or 7 years old, I have vivid memories of school beginning at the nursery level.

I have a heightened sense of anxiety because of this latest tragedy.  As so many have asked, when will it end?  How can it end?  What has gone to wrong in our society to allow for this?

I am fighting my inner most voice of terror.  The voice telling me to avoid malls, and movie theaters, and now schools.  It is our right to go out in public, but is it safer to just stay inside?

When I would turn on the news and hear about bombs and buses belong blown up in town squares continents away, my only comfort was the thought, "not in America," but the reality is that we are experiencing the same tragedy here in some ways,  innocent people going about their days, trying to enjoy simple freedoms and rights, and then dying for no reason at the hands of anger, despair, and personal vendettas....

Not to compare one bad thing to another, but September 11th felt different for me.  Planes, high-rises, metropolitan areas, landmarks.  Please don't mis-interupt my words as one tragedy being less sad, sick, or wrong than the other, but in my opinion and only my opinion, I felt like one could mentally protect themselves from September 11th like this..."I won't fly, I don't live in a big city, I don't work in a center of commerce..."  I remember telling myself this when September 11th happened.  I was 20 and in college in a small town environment in the middle of America and I felt a teeny tiny bit comforted by this.  I was away from any place that would have made a statement. September 11th still haunts me as I know Newtown will a decade from now.

But, with Newtown, little ones in the safest place you can be at 6 or 7 other than your home, your classroom, this is simply unavoidable.  You have to go to school, get educated, learn, grow, so one day if you chose, you can fly and work in a big building, and live your life the way you decided you should because we live in a free country.

I am fighting my inner voice that wants me to stay in bed all day, and eat cookies, and sob for the beautiful women and children that died tragically and horribly at the hands of an angry killer, a boy really, so much rage and venom for a man of only 20.  I am allowing myself to mourn and then I must get up, and function, and join the living, because I have my life still.  I am still here, living and breathing and for that I am blessed and grateful.

Everyday you get to sleep at night is a blessing and every morning you wake up is one, too.  If anything, since Friday, I am reminded that life is too short to take for granted.

Tomorrow, life goes ones, but Newtown will never be forgotten.

I wanted to avoid even posting again on this topic and will never breathe the name of the killer because sometimes fame and infamy get confused by people who want to make a statement and be remembered.

Ready and Waiting.....

In the airport!!!!!

Oy!  I am nervous.  Feeling like I may toss my cookies bagel.  Off to see sweet Crush and I am feeling really really really anxious, but also excited.  I don't have too many expectations other than that I will have fun.  I haven't slept for days.  I think 3 now.  Every night I toss and turn, thinking about what this little trip will feel like.  I just have a feeling, it will be pretty grand, I promise to recap it when I return.  I am about to board a plane, wish me luck.  I have bags under my eyes.  I packed my entire closet.  I am contemplating putting on glasses to hide my tired eyes (like glasses glasses, not sun glasses....)....

I also got a manicure yesterday and promptly tried to make it even better than it was...it twas good before I messed with it and put old top coat on it which made the polish bubble and now my nails that looked great, look like crazy terrible and it's driving me bananas because you know nails are this little thing that suck when they get messed up when you actually try to make them look better...champagne problems people....champagne problems.

Happy week and be back soon!

Nervous Flutter

I have really terrible anxiety.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot manage it alone.  My best years I was on anxiety medicine and I stopped taking it because people (Mom and Awful Ex, both who may benefit from meds) judged me for needing them.  Yes, I care about what people think and let their words determine my actions....what is wrong with me?!

As Day 1.5 of binge-free me continues, I just had a very huge realization.  I have been using food since I went off the anxiety medicine to cope.  I have been using food to pull me through the darkness.  Food has been my light and then I gain weight and then I get sad and mad and raw and I am trapped in this very bad cycle of self-hate.

I am seriously shaking here while I type.  I am trying to avoid the kitchen and actually work which is hard sometimes because work can overwhelm me and give me more anxiety....

But, I picked up the phone a bit ago and I called my doctor and I scheduled an appointment.  I need to stabilize myself.  I need to be able to leave the bed.  I need to not stuff crackers in my mouth in the same fashion that Cookie Monster eats cookies (only I swallow my carbs and Cookie's fall to the floor....I would be so much thinner if I didn't ingest....).

I am having some clarity and it feels good.