Wednesday, September 19, 2012

My Sister, My Self

I love my sister to infinity and beyond.  She is perhaps the most awesome person ever.  We weren't always so close.  We were soul sisters from baby to age 14 and then high school tore us apart.  We reconnected in my mid-twenties, every day we didn't stay in contact, makes me sad now, there were so many opportunities for great times that we missed because of petty bullshit.

I am my sister's shadow.  Everything that has happened to her, happens to me, eventually.  Our age break makes it possible, she conquers something and then I fall into the same exact sand trap that she fell in.  We are so different, so our escapes are not the same.  A man saved my sister, I think I will have to save myself.  I am far too complex to be saved by a man, even though it's clear that I am not opposed to it.

My sister moved a few years ago for her husband and my heart hurts a little every time I think of how much I could use her company on a daily basis.  I have very few friends where I live.  That is not to say that there aren't people around that want to be my friend, there are.  That is not to say that I don't have a few wonderful ladies that I love very much close, I do.  Everyone is simply in marriage and baby mode and I try to keep my distance a bit, because I don't feel too comfortable over-sharing my life and attempts at success anymore.  I will share when things have already happened, not when nothing has been determined.

It is hard for me to write this, but I feel like it is time.  I think my brother-in-law is an asshole.  That felt SO good.  I think he is a twat.  I think he is a real schmuck.  I think he will never allow my sister and me to have the kind of relationship we had before him.  This makes me sad.

I understand why my sister likes him.  They have the cutest kid too, like my nephew is amazing and strangers on the street will agree.  He is adorable.  He is brilliant.  He is super animated.  It sometimes shocks me that he is half my brother-in-law.

I really dislike my bro-in-law because of the way he speaks to my sister when they fight.  Please people in relationships, LISTEN TO ME!  Do not fight in front of your friends or your family because we will judge you and we will hold a grudge and we will have a hard time believing that things are okay even when they appear to be if you fight terribly in front of us.  My brother-in-law said some things to my sister in the heat of the moment that I did not feel he had the right to say.

These were the mean things that I say to her, sister jabs, not husband jabs.  And then even worse.  Attacking her character and the very life they decided she would have.  Making fun of her education and her intelligence.

It is just something I can never forget.  My sister stood up for me to the high school bully the one year we were in high school together.  She showed up 7th period when Ashley Simmons was going to kick my ass during my free period and she fought her with words.  Ashley was always nice to me after that.  My sister had my back and now I feel this carnal emotion to have hers.

Do I think my sister is happy?  Yes.  Do I think my bro-in-law loves her?  Yes.  Do I wish she married someone else?  Yes.

I keep my distance a bit because he makes me hate myself.  He makes fun of me and where I am in my life, he didn't know my sister when she was much worse.  She had climbed out of her deepest sand trap by the time they had met.  He hardly knows her at all, but he knows exactly what to say to hurt her, so he obviously knows her much better than I will ever know.

I am most sad because I can't be the Aunt I want to be.  I can't make surprise trips and send gifts and Skype.  He doesn't like me and he will win.

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