The Charleston of My Dreams

Charleston is a great place to visit.  A grand one.  Every single time I came for a stay, I was smitten.  It has all of the components necessary for a terrific getaway: amazing restaurants, quaint hotels, a charming downtown, lovely stretches of beachfront, tons of history, plantations (my newest obsession other than my Fitbit) museums and even a pretty lively nightlife.  I have many visitors coming down in the next few months (YAY!) and I can't wait to whoop it up like Vicki (I was waiting for the Real Housewives of OC to come back all winter) with them.  

Charleston is the perfect getaway. Beyond a few jam-packed weekends, site seeing and eating, lies real life.  The days that happen between bursts of fun and fancy.  This is the Charleston I am getting to know. 

Charleston is HOT right now.  Everyone is moving here in droves.  Students and grad students that come for school and never leave, young professionals looking for a faster or slower pace (depending on what direction they may be moving from) and retirees.  Tons of retirees.  My fiancé says that Charleston has been a transient city for some time now.  There are always people coming and going. I have encountered an equal amount of people not from around here as southerners.   I am from Chicago and I was born in New York, so I am used to living around many different types of people.  I associate this melting pot idea with the concept of a city and Charleston is rapidly expanding. There is change occurring at every corner (literally, there is a TON of construction) and I can feel Charleston bursting at the seams.  Traffic is heavy; you can’t even find a parking spot at Publix.  Maybe, this is just America. We can’t fight the mass developers from turning even the most historical places, like Charleston, into Anywhere, USA.  Where there is money, there is this inevitable cookie-cutter assimilation.  I have started to see it when I visit other cities.  Everywhere is starting to look vaguely familiar. 

I hear accents from New York, New Jersey, Ohio and Michigan more often than I hear the soft drawl of Charleston.    I don't mind this, especially since I am an outsider myself.  The people not from around here are the ones that seem to want to help me find a job and actually respond to email (more on this in another post).  Charleston just isn't what I expected.   Tourists came to visit and were charmed into relocation.  It all makes sense.  But, where are my belles and gents? 

You see, I dreamt of Charleston as some kind of magical fairyland.  I imagined that all the ladies would look and speak like debutantes and they would smell of honeysuckle and jasmine.  Men would pull my chair out and compliment my hairstyle and tell me I was "real sweet" just like Crush does.  I only wanted to see Lilly Pulitzer and seersucker.  I thought I would be invited to the finest parties and drink mint juleps and sweet tea and wear ball gowns and gloves.  People would be envious of my figure and poise.  Everyone would admire my ability to make lovely conversation and my big city ways.  I would be referred as "very cosmopolitan!"  I thought that I would learn how to shag and that someone would show me how to set a table properly, using only the finest china and silver.  Down South, I wanted to believe that I could eat all the fried chicken and biscuits I desired and then I would slip on my bathing suit and head to the beach looking as pretty as a picture.  This is my fantasy, dammit.  There are no societal boundaries or calories. 

I set myself up for something that doesn't even exist.   I do this a lot.  I get stuck on how something should be without processing how it really is.  Then, I get disappointed that life isn’t what I imagined.  Exhausting.  And even worse….sometimes my over sweeping generalizations come from TV, movies or books.   WTF?   Nothing is how I wanted it to be.  WHAH WHAH.  The weather, the people, the service, the job market, the common courtesy, the social life, the parties, the food….it was ALL supposed to be different!

 I made my move into what I needed it to be.  It gave me hope and positivity and motivation.  It made me excited.  It got me through a very tough time in my life.  My idea of Charleston may not be where I am living now and that is okay.  My Charleston is a place of fantasy, magic and whimsy.  It is a figment of my imagination that I depended on to give me the strength and courage to leave everything I was once familiar with.  I will always be grateful that I loved the idea of Charleston before I even moved here because it shows me how much I trusted and believed in my relationship with Crush.  And, if anyone knows of a city that allows anyone to join every club (even people like me, who had a grandfather who owned a deli and NOT a plantation) and where I can eat biscuits by the dozen and still lose weight, please let me know…I will buy a one-way ticket and get on the next flight!

PS: Thank you for the wonderful, thoughtful and kind comments yesterday!  They really made my day and I appreciate the terrific feedback.  Also, sorry about the post fonts looking inconsistent, sometimes when I copy and paste (like I have with the last few posts)  I cannot get the words to take on the default font (I am not very tech savvy).  

Being Highly Sensitive is BAD for Business

I have been hiding from this blog.  I have been scared to share this because I wanted and wished for so much more than has been happening lately.  I know with my past personal focus and great hope, I found Crush.  Now, I have to work on all of the other areas of my life that require deep concentration.   

I am horrible at transitioning and I am still processing a bunch of change.  Lately, I have been enjoying my time here in Charleston. But, do I love it?  I actually don’t.  I like it very much, but I am excited about moving to a smaller place where I can hopefully feel a bit more a part of things.  My feelings about Charleston have been hard for me to accept and it has been a bit of a let down. Embracing the reality of life versus what I imagined it would be is a tough lesson for me to muddle through.   I take everything hard and extra personally.  I am over feeling attacked and like a victim at every turn. 

I struggle with being happy.  I don’t always feel good about myself.  Recently, I have accepted that I am highly sensitive.  It is just the essence of who I am.  I don’t see the world the same way most people do and I am trying to use my fragility as a tool to help me be a better person.  I have always reasoned that I have an issue with being too sensitive. It wasn’t until I ventured into the raging waters of owning my own business (and broke up with Awful and then had a breakdown) that I truly accepted how thin my skin is.  This is an area that has been holding me back my entire life and I am sick of not being able to be a present and active part of this world because I am so afraid of not being liked.

As a wedding planner, one of the main things I have to face is blame. Clients want to blame vendors, vendors want to blame clients, brides/grooms want to blame their in-laws and in-laws want to blame their child for putting them in a situation that they often would like to stay out of.  The cycle of blame continues through families like a raging forest fire until it gets to me.  When all of the blame has been shifted and allocated and there is still a bit left, it becomes my problem.   I once got blamed for the City of Chicago doing construction five blocks away from a host hotel.  The client thought I should have told them that there was construction “in the area” because they wanted to take their families on a walk and the streets “didn’t look nice.”  Because of the construction, they threatened not to pay me.  This shit is real.

I get exhausted all over again just thinking about how I once let myself be roped into madness.  As a way to appease the crazy, I almost always bended over backwards and did not keep my limits.  I wasted thousands (like $20,000 at my last accurate count, thank you taxes) of dollars paying for blame (mostly created by clients) that I didn’t create. This included such shenanigans as clients contracting vendors independently of me (like finding the vendor themselves and wanting to use this person/company, often because of a low price) and paying a deposit directly to the vendors and then hating the initial product (photography and hair and makeup often come to mind) and looking at me to fix it.  Hard to admit, but sometimes the vendors wouldn’t return the money and I would pay the client out of my own pocket to look like the client got their way.  I just wanted my clients happy and I sometimes needed peace.  There often wasn’t enough time in my day to debate $500.00 relentlessly and listen to empty threats from both parties, so I paid it to shut everyone up. I created little monsters by not sharing reality.  I made my clients think the impossible was possible.  I just didn’t have the balls to confront things head on when they were small and then I let the avalanche of missteps bury me whole.  I would grow resentful of clients I felt taken advantage of and it showed.  When I got wind of bad client practices (they exist just like how bad business owner practices do, it is all a 2 way street) I didn’t want to call the client and have the tough conversation of ending our contract and parting ways.  I waited for them to call me out on something and then I folded time and again.  I people pleased my way back in, even when I wanted out. The few epic clients disasters that happened to me….often I had a hand in creating because I didn't cut the cord when the cray first came into light.  Where was my common sense?  My pride?  My integrity?  My ability to stick up for what is right and just and sane?

This has been super hard for me to come to terms with and it was a terrible and maddening way to do business.  I WAS NOT THINKING CLEARLY OBVIOUSLY.  Please know that I have changed every single detail in the way I now do business and I updated it all: business plan, contracts and most importantly how I charge and collect payment.   I realize that creating limits brings respect.  I have to take my business seriously and practice a strict standard of practices without exceptions or it will never work. 

Here I am complaining about Charleston, my sensitivity and my business.  What do they all have in common?  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I don’t have what it takes to be the person I should be.  I live in fear of the few people I should have never gotten involved with, including Awful.  I am sick of hiding out, but I am also terrified to put myself out there again.

I guess I wanted to tell you how AMAZING life is here in Charleston.  How I am popular, thin and wanted.  How getting a job has been easy.  Aside from my incredible relationship with my man, things here haven’t been a cakewalk.  I have few friends and all of the “let’s get togethers” never turn into anything more than unanswered emails and texts.  I feel like a huge outsider.  Job rejection is my norm.  I have lost over 20 pounds, but I still struggle with binging (even if I don’t do it much anymore, the compulsion to do it is a daily battle) and I still can’t get into my pre-Awful clothes although I am getting closer. I am dragging my feet to get back to planning because I am scared, even though I know I am good at it.  Even though I know that the mistakes I made, I mostly brought on to myself for not being stronger. I give too many people too much power over me.  I agree to costly things just to feel accepted and wanted and don’t even realize I am being used, until it has already happened.  I did this again only a few months ago and it was a costly and annoying mistake.  I vowed to myself that this was the LAST time.  I take a lot more time than most to process important decisions and if I feel pressure, it is because I am being pressured.  I should always trust my instincts. 

I WILL learn to deal with the sensitivity.  I have dealt with so many other struggles these last few years: my honesty, my happiness, my food addiction, emotional abuse and being true to myself.  Putting yourself back together isn’t instant.  I want to live my life on a deeper level than most and I am learning that I hold myself to a different standard, too.  All part of the sensitivity cycle.

I thought that everything would be perfect when I met the man for me, just like how I used to think that being thin was the answer to all of my problems.   Life is so much more than a perfect engagement ring (I LOVE mine, but I would have been fine without it) and single digit clothing.   I guess that when you finally find the prince you have always been searching for that you forget that life isn’t really all a fairy-tale.  Some things are harder than others.

Everything is not okay and that is okay.  No one is judging me. Are they?  No one thinks about me as much as I imagine they do.  I know this.  I want to find the balance between love, happiness, personal fulfillment and honesty.  I need to change a bit more to get there and I don’t know how exactly.  But, let’s start with really sharing my life again, all of the good and all of the bad.

Here goes…..

Life is Good

I am here in Charleston and getting settled.  Learning my way around a bit without the GPS.

Seeing Crush everyday is divine.  Spending time with my family, Crush's family, and both of our families at once is the icing on the cake.

I feel at peace.

My life is going to be even better than I imagined.

The weather, the people, the pace.  It is just what I needed.

I am supposed to be here.  This is my place.  The one I knew was out there, but didn't know how to get to.  And Crush is my person.  My soul mate.  He completes my life.

The drive from Chicago was emotional.  I got my period 2 days into the trip, so I think some was hormonal, but most was relief.  As the miles ticked away, I bawled on repeat every few hours while listening to my favorite CDs, songs about breaking free and starting over.  Something I always dreamt of doing, but didn't have the courage to make a reality.  Well, until now.

As I passed through 7 states, I felt my broken self being glued back together, a teeny tiny peace at a time.  The distance from Chicago has made me whole again.  All of the BS and things that were simply too difficult than they needed to be. It is over.  Done.  I have finality.

I can be the good, sweet, kind, honest, empathetic, and funny person I know I am inside.  My walls have come down.

When I arrived to my new apartment and jumped into Crush's waiting arms, I felt the same way I did when my Dad left me at college 14 falls ago....that the possibilities are endless and I am in control of my destiny.  I haven't felt like this for far too long.

I am on a little vacation right now, no real schedule has been formed, but I have been Spinning everyday and seeing Crush for alone time, too.  My parents depart on Thursday and we have been having fun being roommates again for a few days.

I have been to the beach, I have had some cocktails before 6:00 pm, I have enjoyed lunch on the pier, and a picnic supper in the park.  Tonight, I am going to a concert and my favorite new bar to get a drink.

Life is good.

Actually, it is phenomenal.

Going to Graceland

Crush and I planned to not see each other at all this summer.  I am super busy finishing up my work obligations and I am focusing on bettering myself with diet, exercise, and therapy.  When I get in the zone, it is best for me to stay there a while.

The other day, Crush called me to tell me that he just had to see me.  Atypical behavior for him as he is often a cool customer.  Crush shared that he would love to spend a few days away just the 2 of us.  His treat.  In neither of our hometowns, so we can relax, sleep in, and do whatever we want to do.  Crush would plan and book all of the details.  How could I say no?

We actually need this little trip very much.  The last few visits have been full of events, family, and friends.  We have had many incredible times in the company of the ones we love, but we haven't had a just us visit since NYE.

I like alone time with my significant other.  Many of my past relationships didn't allow for this after a while and I believe that in some ways it is what helped destroy the bonds that started strong and weakened over time.  Couples need to plan the "just the 2 of us" time even if it is a mere date a few times a month to reconnect.  There has been so much excitement about the future that Crush and I have lost a bit of the we that we shared in the beginning.

So, in 5 weeks, Crush and I will be heading to Memphis.  We plan to tour Graceland, Sun Studios, and the Gibson Guitar Factory.  We will tear up the town on Beale, see the ducks parade at The Peabody Hotel, and have some nice suppers.  Crush said it best, "I just want to have fun with my miss" and I agree, I can't wait to walk hand in hand, have some happy hour cocktails overlooking the Mississippi River, and order late night room service.  I plan to even bring my workout clothes, so I can balance the BBQ with some cardio.  I have learned that even the littlest changes in the right direction can create some big results.

Crush and I will also celebrate our first anniversary of correspondence and Mister Crush's 35th birthday while we are in Memphis.  Last year, the week I will now be spending with Crush in Memphis, I spent with Smartie Best Friend down South while she helped her gorgeous littlest sister acclimate to college at a major institution in a little sleepy state.  I had an incredible time: I got mistaken for a mom (of a college aged kid!) several times, drank many incredible martinis, and had out of control good sushi and Thai.  I reminisced about college, felt old, felt thankful that I wasn't in college anymore (I need my sleep now), and I even slept on a freshman door room floor after I had a 2 hour laughing fit with Smartie and her sis about it (I think my back still hurts from this...!).

I remember telling Smartie Best Friend about this guy on Match.com who lived in a different city than me and no way or how did I EVER expect that a year later I would be moving 1200 miles towards a new life with him.  I must admit that I was a bit of a bitter betty on the college trip as I was feeling very desperate, alone, and lost.  I started this blog soon thereafter....never thinking that I would meet Crush in person in October and we would fall in love so quickly.

It is a pretty neat story now that I think about it.  I wished for my Crush on a Florida trip with 1 of my best friends in June 2012 and sent my first email back to Crush on a college trip with 1 of my best friends in August 2012....KISMET!

I have said it before and I will say it again, you just never know when your life will change....

Have any of you glorious readers been or live in Memphis?  If so, please share some of your hot spot and restaurant recommendations.  We will be doing mostly touristy stuff, but I know it is always best to ask suggestions from those in the know when it comes to music, food, and booze.  Any ideas are appreciated!!!!

Southern Comfort

This morning, I was at the grocery store shopping for a few last minute items for the weekend.  A store clerk with special needs was stocking the shelves and saying hello and trying to give high fives to all of the patrons coming down aisle 9.  I gave him a big hello and handshake. He then followed me down the aisle and starting commenting about all the things in my cart, telling me if he liked them or not.

I realized that out of all of the busy customers rushing around the store, I was the only person thus far who acknowledged him.  Everyone else just pretended he wasn't there when he said hello.  Some even went out of their way to avoid him.  Just as I was putting my Nature's Valley granola bars in the cart, a beautiful blond lady came down the aisle in her workout clothes with a cart full of snack foods.....I immediately thought...mom of teenage boys.  The young store clerk gave her a high five and she stopped and asked him how he was and told him he was doing a great job and that he should enjoy the sunshine.  He told her that he wanted to go get ice cream later and she said it was the perfect day.  They both agreed that mint chocolate chip was their favorite flavor.

As she spoke, I noticed her thick southern drawl and I had to chat with her.  I asked her where she was from thinking Texas.  "Born in Kentucky, darlin'.  Lived there until 6 years ago and then Atlanta and now here....I hate it.  I know you all have this city pride, but I am itching to get out of here.  2 more to get off to college and thankfully all the boys (I was right!) are choosing southern schools and then my husband and I are heading back down.  This place is breaking me.  No one is kind, nice, or real. No one can slow down and say hello to a man who needs a little encouragement. I need me some sweet tea and some sweet hearts."

I told her I was moving south in September for love and a better life and she gave me a hug.  Told me the little city I will call home is her favorite city in the south.  Asked me for my number, just in case she ever came down.

As we exchanged niceties about our weekends, she looked me in the eye and told me, "Honey, you have a southern heart. I feel it.  Do you realize that you and me, we are the only people who spoke to the young man stocking the shelves?  Just us.  What is wrong with this world?  We should be building up and we are only breaking down.  You just made my day, don't you forget it.  Someone raised you right.  I see good in you.  Best of luck and tell your man, he got a good one with you, honey."  She then gave me a big hug and went on with her day.

So, she noticed me, just as I noticed her.

As she walked away, I smiled and my eyes welled up with tears (I am such a softie these days!).  The world keeps giving me signs, now that I am ready to receive them.

And she is right, there is nothing better than sweet tea and sweet hearts.

The store clerk saw my tears and told me "DON'T CRY!" and I let him know that they were just happy tears and he giggled.  "HAPPY TEARS!" and continued doing his job with his sweet heart.

BEST ADVICE Regarding Working Out

I love blogging.

I love sharing my stories, my fears,  my small successes.

My favorite part is the advice I receive from readers.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the wisdom, the honesty, and the helpful tips.

A few days ago, I posted about how I can no longer eat Big Macs with reckless abandonment because I know how many calories I am burning during my spin classes because my gym got new bikes.

I received wonderful comments and "WHOOTS" of support (THANK YOU!), but one comment from the always wonderful Danielle at Zombie Love Affair, I just had to share....it was so simple, yet so effective for me:

"The 'reward' for working out hard is looking and feeling good"

SO TRUE!  There is no better reason to work out.  To feel strong.  To feel capable.  To feel shapely.

I always practiced the notion that a workout was to be rewarded with food.  

I am always ravenous when I first get back into a workout routine until my body adjusts, so in my mind, I felt like I needed the extra food....and no!  I would push myself in a class daydreaming about pizza, milk shakes, and hamburgers.  Then, in the next thought, I would daydream about myself in my favorite bikini.  Oy, Ready & Fading, OY! 

Yesterday, after a particularly awesome spinning class, while I was at the gym showering, I thought about how awesome and accomplished I was already feeling about my day.  It was only 9:00 am and I had answered several emails, took an exercise class, and now I was getting ready for my afternoon appointments.  I look down at my legs and thought to myself, "hey, not bad." My cheeks felt flushed, my tush felt tight, and my calves were still burning.  

That was the workout reward........feeling untouchable.

Out to Lunch

I was just between appointments and stopped for lunch.  I was in an area that has a lot of restaurants and I saw a sushi joint that looked yummy and I popped in.  Typically, I opt for solo lunches at Panera- type places as many people are alone working and I feel better being alone in a place where other people are alone.  But, this place was actually a bit swanky with a really great lunch special and since my skin is looking too good to eat wheat....I thought, why not treat myself for a quick nice sushi lunch?

After I got seated by the hostess, I looked around and realized that I was the only solo patron.  This would be a good little challenge for me.  I also didn't want to eat at the bar or stuff my head into a book or my laptop (especially because since after my unfortunate laptop spill.....if I am eating or drinking without a lid, laptop needs to stay hidden).  So, I actually just sat in the restaurant and waited for my food and looked around and daydreamed and imagined what I would be doing in one year and I smiled.

I may have been knocked down a bit these last few months by clients, but I haven't stood my ground either.

I need to set better parameters, I need to accept realistic challenges, but not impossible ones, I need to take some time out EVERY day for me.

My life is good.  I have a great family, fantastic friends, and the ability to eat $15.00 sushi for lunch in peace.

Then I thought to myself.....why only day dream about next year?  Why not day dream about tomorrow or next month or the summer?  I am going to stop living for tomorrow and really focus in on today.

One year ago,  I would have never had the confidence to take myself to lunch at a nice restaurant.

And today, well, it wasn't a big deal at all.

FIRED

I was fired from a job.  Well, we fired each other in all honesty.  Some of you did guess correctly on my occupation.  GOOD JOB!  For real, come September, I do look forward to letting you all in a bit more and sharing some specific details….it is juicy and I know you will you a kick out of it!

So, lately, my heart isn’t in my line of work at all.  I wanted to be what I am because I desired to help people, to create memories, to be an expert, to educate, to guide, to emotionally connect, to change someone’s life for the better.  I feel like my industry and the expectations in my city arent’t allowing for this…..I am exhausted by dealing with stupids and emotional imbalance on the daily….oy.

People are crazy.  Hell, I am crazy.  But, I own it.  I also don’t disrespect, curse out, or feel entitled to so much for so little……I don’t hire a professional to undercut fees, to contest things that only nature and god can control, to show form lists from the Internet that have no bearing on a major and VERY expensive market. 

I have a feeling that when I move, I could be successful at my current job.  The market is better.  Less saturated.  Gentler.  A little slower paced.  My Crush works for himself and owns his own business and I see his business interactions and accepted practices.  He gets a 24-hour grace period on emails (I get about 2-4 hours these days before a text come through with the question…"did you get my email?”), clients do not text him, he never picks up the phone being called a “bitch, liar, or cunt….” (this hurts me most as I feel like I have worked so hard to be NONE of these things anymore)……

BUT, I am not perfect.  Never was and never will be.  I want people to like me.  I actually NEED people to LOVE me.  So, I over promise and under deliver and run around in a circle like a little lost puppy wanting to be cherished and doted on and important.  One morning last December when I was cuddling with Crush and the phone/email was going crazy at 7:30 am even though my out of office was on I thought to myself….WTF????????!!!!!!!!!

I had lived 31 years to that point for EVERYONE else and now I wanted a teeny bit of time for me.  I deserve it.  I need it.  I want love and affection and a little privacy, too.  I will not compromise on it.....

And people got pissed, including the client who fired me and their friend who I also helped rather unsuccessfully because she blamed me for such things as not being able to get the fish she wanted in the middle of Hurricane Sandy and that the city we live in was fixing potholes and scaffolding on the street outside of where she wanted to take a photo.  And they called me horrible things and the trust was broken and my heart hurt and I couldn’t eat for days until I binged for a week nonstop after I got my appetite back and I listened to my conscious and I said……..”life can be better than this, you deserve it.”  Just like how I knew I deserved better than Awful.  I always operated on the notion that clients were always right NO MATTER WHAT and the reality is that they aren’t some of the time and mutual respect is a 2 way street.

I learned my lessons.  I now do almost daily check-ins.  Expectation meetings.  It all goes into writing.  I made a list of what I can control and what I cannot and it needs to be initialed.  I wanted to celebrate love, life, and commitment and not have to scream all day to prove points…..I just don’t have it in me.   Sometimes my BEST communication isn’t enough.  Once in a while, a person will not like you no matter how many hoops you just through.

I am thinking of becoming a teacher.  The state I am moving to is desperate for them and does not require a masters degree (which I do not have).  I will have to take tests and some courses and classes, but I will not require an entire new degree.  I have always loved and connected with children and have many teachers (grandmother, Sissy, mom, aunts, cousins, etc.) in my family, it may just be in my blood. 

I sobbed to Crush the other night after I was fired from my client because for a moment I felt nothing, but cold hard failure, even though I was so relieved to be rid of them.  While I ugly cried and snotted on Crush’s chest, he said, “if you want to continue what you are doing, do it, but you can do anything, I believe in you and support you, always.” We then sat down and made a list of why I want to be a teacher and it was for all the reasons I thought I wanted to be what I am…..to make the world a better, sweeter, happy place….seriously, I am a total mush ball.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to emotionally connect.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to influence.  I wanted to transform negatives into positives.  

So, here I am at another crossroad.  I found love and now I think it is time to find work satisfaction.  I never really loved my jobs over the years as interesting as they have been as it always felt superficial, silly, and baseless at times and as I have grown and developed, I feel like a chef that hates food, or a fashion designer that hates fabric, or a poet that hates words. How can I create and inspire if I can’t connect with my trade like I used to? I AM IN A TOTAL FUNK.

The verdict is still out and I know that no matter what happens, I will always do some of my current job, just not full time.  Perhaps 3 – 4 selective great projects a year, but no more than that.  Because I will miss it.  Because it is part of me.  Because even though I have taken some hard knocks and tough blows, the rush I get from my good clients, there is nothing quite like it.  There is the ability to connect for life and that connection is what I crave.

I have also learned the kind of client I want to work with and who I can best help.  It is a personality thing sometimes, it always it.

I wanted this to work.  I succeeded.  I did.  I learned lessons, I managed profit margins, I have some major fans and some major enemies.  I do think if I stuck with it, I could succeed, but at what cost?  I need to turn the work off some hours each day, to enjoy my evenings more than once or twice a month, to feel at peace sometimes especially when I rest my head on my pillow at night…to not get a knot in my tummy every time the phone rings. 

I am not as young as I wish I was sometimes….because I feel like doors have slammed shut already on some of my dreams. 

Job satisfaction is one I am willing to fight for though.