I had plastic surgery. To improve my stomach. I like the results. I really feel like my body looks better, more proportional. I was always asked when I was due, even when I was thin, since the procedure, never once. That in itself is a good thing for me.
I hate my body. I really hate it. But, secretly, like when I get naked and stand in front of the mirror, I kinda love my body. I have great proportions, I have beautiful curves, I have a very sexy womanly frame, I look best naked in heels. Underwear does nothing for me. Just like Marilyn Monroe. When you have real curves, underwear digs in.
I hate my body because society and men in general have made me hate it. They have made me feel too big, too tall, too masculine, they have questioned the stretch marks on my lower tummy or the cottage cheese on my thighs or my vagina, yes even my vagina, I have been vagina shamed. It is clear that I am getting naked for the wrong men.
Awful paid for my surgery. He also encouraged it. This is something I have never told anyone. He made horrible comments to me about my body on the regular and I stayed and I took it. I took it because everyone I have ever dated has said shameful things to me about my body, so it almost felt comforting. Like, this is what a man says to a woman. I am starting to open up to the reality that men aren't really bad, I have just shared myself with bad men.
The problem is I pick the wrong men, I have JUST come to this conclusion yesterday. I know good men exist...my friends have found them and even my bro-in-law isn't THAT bad....we just have stuff we need to work on, but, the root of who he is isn't dark like Awful's.
I always think this about some of my past client mistakes:
"If you deal with stupid people, you get stupid results."
So clear when I think about Awful. Also, another quote I really like that applies to my choice in men:
"The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Awful emailed me yesterday wanting me to pay him back for the surgery. It was a gift. Payment was only requested after I moved out and I don't think I should have to give him anything. Truthfully, I was going to pay him. I really was. I lay down and shut people up sometimes by doing what they ask. I hate conflict. But then, but then I thought about it. I am not giving Awful anything without a fight because he is not pure of heart and because he pretty much forced me to do it in the first place.
I did something new with Awful. I let him know how much he hurt me in a very long winded email below. You see, up until this point, I was trying to be cool and easy breezy and not crazy and not damaged and all the other stuff I do to try to protect myself. I was trying to seem so successful, so busy (which I am), so sexy, so strong to Awful to make him jealous, but, I mean if you have read anything here, it's clear that inside, I am broken. So, I decided to REALLY let him know how I feel. What do I have to lose? I am still single. I am still hurt. I am barely hanging in here. I mean, I will show him in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10....but, right now, nothing is going to be BAM. I will make him get his, you heard it here first, but I have to do it by being MY best self first.
The good news is that he hasn't responded yet, which means he probably won't.
Here is my response:
And I hope he stays away forever.