Please Don't Reappear

I had plastic surgery.  To improve my stomach.  I like the results.  I really feel like my body looks better, more proportional.  I was always asked when I was due, even when I was thin, since the procedure, never once. That in itself is a good thing for me.

I hate my body.   I really hate it.  But, secretly, like when I get naked and stand in front of the mirror, I kinda love my body.  I have great proportions, I have beautiful curves, I have a very sexy womanly frame, I look best naked in heels.  Underwear does nothing for me.  Just like Marilyn Monroe. When you have real curves, underwear digs in.

I hate my body because society and men in general have made me hate it.  They have made me feel too big, too tall, too masculine, they have questioned the stretch marks on my lower tummy or the cottage cheese on my thighs or my vagina, yes even my vagina, I have been vagina shamed.  It is clear that I am getting naked for the wrong men.

Awful paid for my surgery.  He also encouraged it.  This is something I have never told anyone.  He made horrible comments to me about my body on the regular and I stayed and I took it.  I took it because everyone I have ever dated has said shameful things to me about my body, so it almost felt comforting.  Like, this is what a man says to a woman.  I am starting to open up to the reality that men aren't really bad, I have just shared myself with bad men.

The problem is I pick the wrong men, I have JUST come to this conclusion yesterday.  I know good men exist...my friends have found them and even my bro-in-law isn't THAT bad....we just have stuff we need to work on, but, the root of who he is isn't dark like Awful's.

I always think this about some of my past client mistakes:

"If you deal with stupid people, you get stupid results."

So clear when I think about Awful.  Also, another quote I really like that applies to my choice in men:

"The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Awful emailed me yesterday wanting me to pay him back for the surgery.  It was a gift.  Payment was only requested after I moved out and I don't think I should have to give him anything.  Truthfully, I was going to pay him.  I really was.  I lay down and shut people up sometimes by doing what they ask.  I hate conflict.  But then, but then I thought about it.  I am not giving Awful anything without a fight because he is not pure of heart and because he pretty much forced me to do it in the first place.

I did something new with Awful.  I let him know how much he hurt me in a very long winded email below.  You see, up until this point, I was trying to be cool and easy breezy and not crazy and not damaged and all the other stuff I do to try to protect myself.  I was trying to seem so successful, so busy (which I am), so sexy, so strong to Awful to make him jealous, but, I mean if you have read anything here, it's clear that inside, I am broken.  So, I decided to REALLY let him know how I feel. What do I have to lose?  I am still single.  I am still hurt.  I am barely hanging in here.  I mean, I will show him in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10....but, right now, nothing is going to be BAM.  I will make him get his, you heard it here first, but I have to do it by being MY best self first.

The good news is that he hasn't responded yet, which means he probably won't.

Here is my response:

If I haven't previously made myself clear, I will restate that I hate you. I hope that you know this. We will never be cool, we will never be friends. Sorry, I may have walked out on you, but you wasted my time and you broke my heart. I'm still dealing with putting myself back together here, you took advantage of me and my desire to be married. 

When you decide to be honest with yourself, perhaps you will see my point of view. Perhaps you never will. I
will never know why I moved in, why I didn't break up with you that first october. I saw you for the liar you were and I stayed. I wanted you to save me even though you are drowning in your own life, your own confusion, your own little man syndrome, and the desire to be the man you will never be, a good one.

2 fucked up people do not make 1 normal relationship. 

Let me tell you this, let me be honest with you here, I'm not doing well. I'm just not. Please respect that I really need you to stay away from me. I'm asking you this rather seriously. Please. What happened with us, the disappointment I'm still feeling, it's something that isn't just a quick fix. 

I am not feeling like I want to give you a cent and this is why: I only did the procedure because you made fun of my body because you called my stomach "the stormy sea" because you grabbed it when I asked you not to because you made me feel bad for having it. When you offered it, I accepted because I felt like you were pretty much telling me that it would make me into the person I should be for you. It haunts me that I risked my life to be beautiful for you and then you still made comments and told me I wore unflattering fat girl clothes.
You wanted me "skinny and hot" and I tried, but I couldn't be because you made me miserable and food was my only happiness. Will anyone ever really accept me for the person I am? For my flaws? For those few extra pounds and bad outfits? I accepted you with ALL of your flaws. I only nagged because you treat life as something disposable and I don't. 

All I ever wanted was to be pretty for you. All I ever wanted was your acceptance and approval. I wanted you to make good on what you promised me from day one, to not make me wait, to know I didn't deserve to be with someone who hesitated. I wanted to be a wife, a mom, a part of my own little place and family. When you are everything to everyone, the only person that loses is you, Awful.

You used me. You manipulated me. You disrespected me. You lied. You took total advantage of me. Deep inside I think you know this.

I will pay you back when you pay me back for the mortgage payments I paid towards your home, for the dinners I cooked, for the gifts I bought for your friends. I will pay you back when you apologize to my family for lying about the promise you made and the only reason why I ever dated you, when you pay me back for the 1.5 years of a gym membership I paid for you that you never used, for the therapy I am seeking to put myself back together because you lied to me.  I will pay you back when you give me back the hours I spent with your friends and family faking it, the hours I spent laden with worry when you went off drunk into the night and couldn't get your phone.

You never loved me. You think you did, but you didn't. You loved yourself. If I meant anything to you, you would have driven the 12 miles to LA and made things right with my family. You would have bought me a ring, you would have fought for me. You wouldn't have fucked the first stranger who spread her legs for you, you wouldn't have told me about Mary, or sent me photos from Tyler's wedding. If you ever loved me, you would know the real me, the sensitive me, the sad me, and you wouldn't want to hurt me while you moved on with you life at my expense.

If you ever loved me, you would have tried to be a respectful and kind person. But, the flaw here is that you will never be any of those things. You aren't a nice person and you never will be.

You are rich and you have a trust fund. We both know this. You have tons of money. You have more than I ever will.  You didn't work for this money, you were born with it, a few thousand dollars means nothing to you, it's the monthly interest payment you get for waking up, for breathing.

When I paid you the rent, I often found my checks, the money I worked hard for, crumpled under the bed or in your nightstand drawer. If the money was important to you, you would have respected it. That money represented power. You had all the power, I was your pawn.  The checks represented your power over me, your ownership. 

Now, please. Please let me live. Let me breathe. Don't pop up again. Please. I need you to understand how much I can't do this anymore. Please.

And I hope he stays away forever.