FULL

Lately I have been in a place I have never been before.

I am full.

Not just my tummy, which has been feeling very satisfied now that I am not longer eating wheat.

My entire body is full including my heart, my mind, AND my physical hunger.

Crush has not saved me.  As romantic as I am, the relationship has given me things I have always craved: love, acceptance, understanding, growth...but it is more than just him which is giving me a feeling of comfort and peace.

I have found fullness because I have begun to listen to my triggers, my little voice inside, dare I say, my angels.

The friends that make me feel bad, judged, or insecure......I don't talk to them anymore.

The clients that I can never make happy no longer what I do or how clear I am.....I release them from terms when appropriate.

The foods I know I must avoid because I cannot trust myself with them (Triscuits, Wheat Thins, loaves of crusty french bread)......I don't buy them and make sure when I must be near them (like at restaurants or parties) I eat something else, I cannot go down the rabbit hole there.....those yummies will win.

I recently stopped playing games with myself and I feel like a veil has been lifted.  Things do not HAVE to be so hard unless I make them this way.  Sometimes reality sucks: that person hates me, I lost the job to someone else, I don't fit into my pants because I couldn't stop binging for 6 months because I was so depressed....but isn't the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....isn't that the same thing that I was doing for all of these years?  Allowing my mistakes to take over my life, even though I wasn't happy with it?

For instance, I used to make up servings that suited me when I was trying to calculate calories.  I would take a huge bowl of ice cream and call it 3 servings, when in reality in was more like 6 servings.  So, then I would calculate the day and ice cream alone, I would be off by 400 calories.  I would cry that I couldn't lose weight and I was TRYING.  But, I wasn't trying that hard if I wasn't being honest to myself.  Often at the end of these weeks, I would be up and not down in weight and I would fool myself into thinking that it was some kind of diet conspiracy........BUT, I was the one putting the calories into my mouth and then turning my mind off.

I don't know everything that may happen in the future.  I do have a very good idea though.  I am leaving and I am pressing the reset button and I am EXCITED beyond belief. So much lives somewhere else now.

I am waking up and living for myself.  This morning I made myself fried rice for breakfast (veggies, eggs, brown rice) because I felt like it.  Because it sounded good.  Because I thought it would satisfy me and it did.  Old me would have eaten cereal because that is what people are "supposed" to eat for breakfast even though cereal never made me feel full and I would eat an ENTIRE box in one serving and then I would feel terrible about it for the rest of the day.

I decided that full is worth getting creative for.  No one really cares what I eat or do, the only thing that people who truly love you care about is that you are happy.

For the first time in years, I am.

Square Peg in a Round Hole

I am a square peg.  I don't fit into a round hole.  If you aren't familiar with the expression, click here.

I can recall the minute I knew I was a square peg.  It was when I was 9 years old, after I moved from the east coast (YAY) to the midwest (NAY).  I remember one day at recess a red playground ball got stuck on the roof during a heated game of kickball.  I said loudly "the ball is stuck on the rooooooooooof" in my NJ accent and everyone laughed and made fun of me and corrected me...."it's ruuuuff, not rooooooooooof," oh is it here, I thought....hmmmmmm, I am so different, even the way I speak is wrong......I remember going home and practicing it, "ruuuuuuuuuuuuf".  WEIRDO.

I am a bit of a chameleon.  I have always had no problem attracting friends, but I have had trouble keeping them. Why you may ask?  Because most of the people who like me, I simply do not like in return.  I do not think they are good people or worthy of my time, so I let them in and often get forced mothering them (weak people are drawn to me) and then I subconsciously stop talking to them because they exhaust me.  When I realize that I accomplished what I truly wanted to and made them go away, I think about them and cry.......because I feel left out when I heard they had a party that they didn't ask me to even though I wouldn't have attended it for a million dollars....

Before you stop reading and fake sympathy for my champagne silly problems, please realize that there   is a little bit of hope in this personal (silly) conundrum......

I no longer do this.

It's a very recent development, like a post-Awful change, when so much of me evolved for the better.  I have been fighting this personal growth to be a better person since I was 22 or so....but I stuffed it back inside....I didn't shed my skin like a snake, or explode like a volcano....I shoved the real me to the darkest corner of my internal closet and lived a life as someone I didn't really respect...an impostor, a fraud, a fake.  I became everyone to everybody, but no one to the person that really mattered, ME.  I became a virtual stranger to my soul.

I am confidant enough now to only make an effort with people I like and WANT in my life.  Everyone else is simply not on my radar.  A reason why I don't partake in Facebook is this fact and this fact alone: I honestly do not care what anyone I don't correspond with at least monthly is doing.  I need to spend the time I would spend on Facebook comparing my life to people who I barely know, to improving my OWN life.  Last year, after I deactivated my FB account, I thought for a moment or two, that one day when I got engaged or married, I would log back on and flip everyone a virtual bird because there is no better revenge than being happy.

Now, that I am in a place where I do feel I could make the haters hate in due time via aggressive FB posts and photos all about ME ME ME and my good fortune and my house, car, and life.....I would NEVER actually do that....because I am already filled up.  I don't need validation anymore because I have given it to myself (I know I am coming off as super preachy, but I just HAVE to share because it is a HUGE step for me).

(SIDE-NOTE: Awful kinda ruined FB for me post break up....and it gave me all kinds of anxiety and bad feelings.  If you can use it appropriately, I can see the allure, I just personally can't handle it because I used to get very territorial about friends and I "maturely" (CRAZY) felt like he was stealing mine and in some ways I still believe this, but I also never really liked or connected with many of the people he stole, so no biggie anyway...the ones that are truly special to me, I still speak to.)

I never really fit in, not in elementary school, in junior high, or in high school.  I didn't make a sorority in college initially.  I didn't have a huge group of new friends in my 20's.  Yet, I have always been sought after, popular, and inquired about.  I am a contradiction.  I am always a bit in and a bit out and I am FINALLY realizing why......

It is because I am the square peg, but in a good way.  I am true to myself.  I have a hard time doing things I don't believe in.  I can't fake it forever.  I may be able to fool you for a while, but in due time, my dam will break and I will bubble over and I will lash out and the truth will set me free....

Then, I will hurt your feelings....because I never really liked you anyway.....I was simply in our friendship or relationship for you, because you liked me first and I didn't want to hurt your feelings by controlling my own time, my own body, or offering you my own opinion.  I didn't want to tell you that I didn't like you and could never truly love you, not with my entire heart and soul, not forever as a friend or love should.  I am not a bad person, just a formally weak one, I cared too much about your heart, even though you didn't really care about me....I didn't want to hurt your feelings or tell you to go away.  I wanted to put the bad, the end, the blame on you, so I could be a victim and not a bully.  I wanted the easy way out....well, not anymore.

I have a few friends I love.  Most of them are a bit of square pegs themselves.......they can speak their minds and beat to their own drums and they have all been around for a long time.  I have a lot of people in my life always, but friends are sacred and I only extend this title to a few.

I have never met anyone who reminds me as much of myself as Crush does.  He is the squarest square peg I know.  This is why I love him as much as I do.  I always thought that no one would ever really understand me (aside from my family and a few girlfriends) and he does.  He is just like me, he doesn't really fit no matter how hard your force him into the hole, but you would never know it by looking at him.....