Dirty Boy

I remember just a year ago, sobbing my eyes out that I wanted a man.  Every friend that found a guy, who became her fiance, who became her husband, and who then became the father of her children.....oy!  There was only so much I could take. Turn the knife in my heart.  I was a bitter Betty.  A green-eyed monster.  A real pill if I do say so myself.

I wanted my time.  My man.  My ring.  My wedding.  My baby.

Now, I think it just may be happening and it has its pros AND its cons.

As is life.

I am finding that I love more things about being in a relationship than being single (and I fully believe I found my soul mate), but I miss more things about being single than I thought I would, too.

Sometimes it is just really nice to eat Peanut Butter Panda Puffs Cereal (gluten-free!) at 3:00 am in bed when you can't sleep while simultaneously reading Daily Mail......this is hard when you like to do it with the lights on, Panda Puffs are a very crunchy snack and make tons of noise...and oh yes, there is a man trying to sleep next to you!

I get how bad being single can feel some times.  The emptiness.  The solitude.  The wanting.  It really is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I truly sympathize with anyone who wants love and is seeking it.  As I have said before: PLEASE DO NOT SETTLE!  Everyone deserves the REAL thing when they are ready.  Finding that takes time.....sometimes I think if I was granted 3 wishes by a magical genie, 1 of them would be "for everyone who wants love to find it instantly."  Because I know the dating process....well, don't mind my language, but it is FUCKING EXCRUCIATING.

But......... I also know when I was single, my favorite vintage wrap dress (ebay score!) didn't have 3 moth holes.

Let me explain....

Crush is a dirty boy and I am not talking about in bed.  He is literally a slob upon slobs.  I fear Hoarders on A&E quality.

The way he lives disgusts me.  And yes, he has moths.  And because I hung some of my dresses in a closet with some of his infested sweaters....2 of my dresses now have holes and I had to dry-clean everything else in my wardrobe.

The one and only time (we stay other places when I visit as he is very blessed to have these options) I visited his home, I gagged.  Tears sprung to my eyes.  It felt like my past was my present, like I was in my own version of Dicken's, A Christmas Carol.

Many moons ago, I was the biggest slob I knew.  Like Crush, I have always been great about my personal hygiene, but my room, oh my, my room....it was a garbage can.  Clothes on the floor, dirty dishes under the bed, unopened mail....the works.  I lived somewhat like this until I was 26 and finally got my depression under control.  I was living alone and my anxiety and OCD were on the downswing.  All of a sudden, the daily tasks that I hated became less of a big deal: dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom....they became routine and something I started to not even think about doing.

When I asked Crush the last time he washed his sheets a few weeks ago when he was trying to convince me to stay at his home...he replied, "a few months, I don't know, maybe September."

THE MAN HAS NOT WASHED HIS SHEETS SINCE SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!

I couldn't help it.  I burst into tears.  I never said I was good at controlling my emotions.

I am sure everyone is wondering why this man cannot clean his room.  I know that was my first thought....

The truth is because he doesn't want to.  It isn't that important to him.  He lived a charmed life with live-in help and the only time he ever HAD to clean his room was when he went to boarding school and I know while he was there, his room HAD to be spotless.  It was checked daily in the AM and PM.  It gave him horrible anxiety.  He had a terrible time at boarding school (he HATED it, but completed it as it is his family way) and I think chaos makes him feel more in control than cleanliness.

(SIDE-NOTE: I am the ONLY one that knows just how much and how hard boarding school was for Crush.  I want him to journal his experiences...they are CRAZY.  Like 15 year-olds doing coke at 2:00 pm on a Tuesday while they do their homework and then calling their nannies while hysterically crying because their moms will not accept their calls and are in exotic countries vacationing semi-permanently and they only see them on Xmas for 3 days a year.....also, Crush is such a gentle soul, this was A LOT for him to handle....Between us, I think I could have found such out bursts to be rather entertaining, but I am sure not when I was 15 and sharing a room with it....)

So, what is a girl to do?

I had to have a sincere conversation with Crush and let him know that I need him to either clean up his space adequately or continue to plan to make other arrangements as needed for us to stay until I move full-time.  It looks like we won't be staying there for a while.  I am not a princess, but his room is the size of a pantry and he has a bed, desk, 3 filing cabinets, a TV, an armoire, and 2 bed side tables in this box.  If I was looking at it from a potential renter's perspective,  I would question if a full sized bed would fit in it and he has a king.....I mean, ONLY a bed and NO other furniture.

I begged him to get College Hunks Hauling Junk in......it is that bad.

When Crush and I are together, our relationship is rather traditional.  I make meals, I clean up, I do our laundry.  His mess is not really an issue as I take care of it as it appears.  It never really has a chance to manifest into something inhabitable, like his place.  I do not feel overwhelmed by it.  From being a former slob, I know how to nip it in the bud.

We will have a traditional marriage.  I think I will be able to pursue personal accomplishments and work for satisfaction and not for economic gain.  This works for me, but I know that this is not for everyone.  Keep in mind, I met Crush online and knew NONE of his situation until the 4th time we saw each other.....when I met his family it ALL started to make sense...I felt like I was in a movie or something......AND DUH!.....Crush is accomplished, but it is family accomplishments of the past that have lent to his particular situation.

Crush wants me to stay at home with our children and I am happy about this.  My mom stayed home with Sissy and me and my Sissy stays home with Big Baby and Little Baby, and Crush's mom stayed home with him and his siblings.  But, again, I prepare myself that the grass is ALWAYS greener....with the staying home, too.  Some of my friends who work the hardest are the ones that stay at home with their babies....everything is situational.  This is a personal choice that a couple makes.  There are pros and cons here and I know this can be a hot button topic and I understand and I wish I had the answers.

But, a part of me fears the "R" word....yes, resentment.  Will I start to resent Crush that I MUST clean if I don't want to live in a landfill?  Is this something I can deal with on a daily basis?

I know he won't change because he can't.  He has lived ALL of his life minus 3 years (boarding school) with either a lady in waiting or no consequences for his GROSS ASS MESS.

I just know that one day, if I agree to marry him, his mess will be a part of our lives for better or worse.....

I think I can handle it, but it is one of the reasons I want some practice time when I move next year before we get engaged.  I need to see the mess up-close and personal.

If there was ever a major deal breaker for me.....it would be a sheet last washed in September.....

Mean Like a Snake

I am not a perfect person.  I have many flaws.  One of them is my temper.

When I was a little girl, I would have massive tantrums.  My parents tell me that I would get so heated that I would bang my head on the tile kitchen floor and leave welts all over my forehead.  My dad would be embarrassed to take me out in public.  Charming.

As I have gotten older, I can control my temper most of the time, but when I am frustrated, I do still feel the rage burning inside of me, trying to find a way to bubble and seep out of me........

Instead of banging my head against the floor, I can become horribly mean.  My mom says that I become, "mean like a snake."  Vicious.  Especially if you are related to me or a very close friend of mine.  If I love you, I may show you the worst side of myself sometimes.

Crush had to withstand some of these bouts of meanness over his stay to meet the family.

The things I lashed out at him about were not at all his fault and had to do with the fact that I was tired, hungry, and sick.  I am so mature.  I freak out at my man like a baby.

I know we are for real because he called me out on it after our lovely weekend together.  He should have.  I believe in constantly improving.  I hope to always be the best I can be and I know Crush feels the same way.

I can only get better with some careful constructive criticism.

Crush was very diplomatic and kind in the way he phrased how I needed to work on improving my harshness and temper.  He offered me specific examples of things I did that hurt his feelings and told me that he agrees with many of my criticisms, but not with how I say them.  He said, "darling, it isn't what you say, but how you say it that bothers me."

At first, I became very sad and insulted and hurt.  Then, I actually listened to what he was saying and I had to agree with him.  I was not being the best partner I could be.  I was beginning to already take his kindness for granted and that was wrong of me for countless reasons.

I need Crush in my life forever and I need to treat him like the gift he is.

I am glad he could be open with me because communication is key.

Yes, we had a little bump in our road, but no flat tires yet.  We are stronger than ever and this snake hopes to hiss a bit less moving forward.