What I Read Twice A Day

Two years ago, in the height of my depression, my mom and I would often Marshall & Max (wander Marshalls and T.J. Maxx) to buy things we didn't need.  My mom finds the best stuff during these hunts.  She is a designer label bloodhound.

On one of our regular Fridays night runs, I wandered into the home goods section, tears streaming down my bloated cheeks, crying that I no longer had an apartment or home (Awful did own a pretty cute single family home in Lincoln Park) to decorate.  My life had all of a sudden boiled down to 20/20 and bargain hunting on Fridays with my mom (whom I LOVE to INFINITY AND BEYOND TIMES A TRILLION MILLION, but nonetheless, it wasn't all ideal) instead of seeing friends, attending parties and chowing down at restaurant openings. As I strolled by the wroght iron mirrors, mismatched candle stick holders and half eaten gourmet treats (WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS PARTIALLY MUNCH AT MARSHALLS AND TJ MAXX?!?!?), my peepers landed on this:

This is your life.  Find a passion and pursue it.  Fall in love.  Dream big.  Drink wine, eat great food and spend quality time with good friends.  Laugh everyday.  Believe in magic.  Tell stories.  Reminisce about the good old days, but look with optimism to the future.  Travel often.  Learn more.  Be creative.  Spend time with people you admire.  Seize opportunities when they reveal themselves.  Love with all of your heart.  Never give up.  Do what you love.  Be true to who you are.  Make time to enjoy simple things in life..  Spend time with family.  Forgive even when it's hard.  Smile often.  Be grateful.  Be the change you wish to see in the world.  Follow your dreams.  Try new things.  Work hard.  Don't count the minutes could the laughs.  Embrace change,  Trust in yourself.  Be thankful.  Be nice to everyone.  Be happy.  Live for today.  And about all.....make every moment count. 

My heart skipped a beat.  It was a sign.  A sign, sign.  This was everything I needed to tell myself.  So many of my favorite mantras all rolled into one.  I had to have it.   I found my mom across the store and showed it to her.  She read it aloud and her eyes filled with tears.   Mom told me, "Read this everyday.  Follow the advice and I know good things will come in due time." 

I brought it home and set it on my childhood dresser, so I could read it everyday.  It reminded me to work on my weaknesses and cultivate my strengths.   

When I moved to Charleston, I hung it in my bathroom.  It's the place I spend way too much time in and head to right when I wake up and right before I go to bed.  Now, every morning and night, I read my magic sign and find peace.  I strongly recommend finding a sign like this or a quote you love and displaying it in your personal space.  It will remind you of the person you truly are every time you pass by.  Take the time to read it and watch the positivity come your way. 

Breakups SUCK! A Post Dedicated to a Friend I Love

A friend I love and care for deeply is going through a little something....a breakup.

IT SUCKS.

I told her this.  Time* is the only way to soothe the breakup scorn.  I wish there was a better answer for this and we could play a fun 80's song and have a fashion spree/makeover montage and make it all go away in 3 minutes.

* Even 2 YEARS post breakup and I am engaged to my soul mate for heaven's sake, I STILL get angry about the shit that went down with Awful from time to time and cyber stalk him and balk and huff around.  I BROKE UP WITH HIM, let's not forget which only adds to my crazy.  AND......I think he may have acquired a bulldog which ANNOYS me on EVERY level because that was the dog I WANTED when we were together and he didn't want one.  He once again gets to give me a virtual flick off and as hilarious as I find it because he doesn't have an original thought, it enrages me because get your own ideas and own life, Awful.  AND, nanananabooboo, I don't even want a bulldog anymore, but I won't tell you the kind of dog we are getting (a cairn terrier) because you will probably outbid the one I put a deposit down for and travel 1,200 miles by motorcycle to screw me over.  Yes, I know, I am NOT normal (AT ALL!) and that the world doesn't revolve around me and trying to piss me off.  I also realize that only bolding some words which I do when I get excited must be super annoying to read...sorry about that.  Oy, the "......" must be annoying, too. 

There is nothing I like more than an inspirational quote.  I look at Pinterest and Instagram for them and not for wedding ideas which is pretty funny when you think about it.  Here are a few things I came up with, a few things I summarized from being influenced by other sayings and a few things that are just common sense (when you think about it and the heart sometimes clouds the mind) that I wanted to share for my AMAZING friend and everyone else who has suffered a breakup.  Here we go:

1.  Breakups and breakdowns allow for breakthroughs.

2.  A person should be measured by the way they make you feel as when it comes to love, that is the only thing that really matters.

3.  Life gives you great lessons when you are ready to learn them.

4.  Change is terrifying, but it is also extremely exciting. A clean slate is a gift that keeps on giving.

5.  So much can happen in a year.  Shit, look at me if you really need some proof.  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for ANYONE......I am not a precious pony.

6.  Make your husband/wife list.  Make it!  PLEASE.  When you are ready.  It works.  I got everything I wrote on my list....EVERYTHING.  And....well, I forgot to wish for clean and tidy, sigh.

7.  Getting in shape and buying new makeup and revamping your wardrobe and losing weight are all awesome.  But, nothing can really fix the way you feel about yourself externally until you change the way you feel about yourself internally.  I tried to lose weight for YEARS before meeting Crush and I am just now able to do it because I feel safe, secure and loved.  My fiancé fell in love with me when I was at my absolute heaviest EVER and he still loves me for me.  I will get off my pedestal now and stop playing my violin, but true love is about so much more than the way you look. And we are ALL gorgeous, darlings.

8.  Reintroduce yourself to a few things that you missed from your life before this relationship ever happened.  These things make you happy and ground you and will help you re-identify with who you are as a person.

9.  A broken heart is a feeling like no other.  It is dark and scary and painful and parched.  It is heavy and deep and personal and lonely.  Trite as it is, the thin line between love and hate can be microscopic.  You will feel crazy.  You will feel FUCKING PISSED.  You will eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.  But, you WILL FEEL.  And feeling emotion is this amazing thing that people can do.  You will forever really understand what all of the sad songs, movies and poems about love are all about. You will be moved.  And your outlook about what you deserve and who you allow yourself to date will change because you will have learned (sometimes it takes a few tries to get this one down......I liked to date alcohol and food abusers until I realized that 2 peas in a pod may make a party, but not a functioning relationship).

10.  Do not apologize for the person that you are.  Only apologize for the stupidity of the person you were once with because they could not appreciate all of your gifts.  For example, "I am sorry, but you will NEVER do better than me." Oh yes, and sometimes a simple, "FUCK YOU!!!!" can be very effective, too.

When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and if you are too depressed for a little while to get the motivation to mix them with water and sugar, I highly recommend sipping on some Limoncello to take the edge off.

XXXXX,

R&F

Packing

There is only one thing I hate more than packing...moving.

I find the process of moving to be exhausting, even though it is quite satisfying when you finally get where you are going and unpack and put everything away and find the perfect spots for all of your knickknacks.

 I moved multiple times in college, every year I was there.  I remember not making such a big issue about it, I would just throw everything in a car (or my best friends SUVS) and make some trips, back and forth. Always hungover.  The moving process would begin around lunch time and span deep into the night. Little by little the move would be done, with many cigarette and Diet Dr Pepper breaks in between.

When I got to my 20's, I moved 5 times, one of those times back home right around my 30th birthday.  These times, I hired movers because spending a bit of money was worth protecting my back from all of the trips up and down the stairs.

This time, I am lucky.  I am moving into a furnished condo that is independently owned and quite adorable.  The condo is furnished and has all major appliances, but I still need to bring my clothes, books, photos, dishes, pots and pans, bedding, towels, kitchen appliances, and TV.  I was thinking this would be easy breezy, but I did spend the entire day yesterday packing and there is still TONS of stuff to go through from my past.  I have been avoiding dealing with my possessions because I sometimes find looking back to be sad and painful, but I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it and it wasn't so bad.  I plan to finish today and cross packing off of my list of things to do this week. 

I called U-Haul yesterday and changed my reservation to a slightly bigger trailer (I put a hitch on my car, so I can drag the trailer and then put a bike rack on my car, lots of trails to discover in South Carolina!) to fit all of my stuff.  I underestimated just how many clothes and books I actually have when I placed my order. My folks are very firm about me getting "all of my shit!" out of their basement as it is time to move on with life and life isn't in Chicago anymore. 

Yesterday, as I was sifting through my old work files, I got a little emotional.  I cannot believe I am here.  I am finally doing something for me (and Crush of course).  I am moving for a better life.  Nicer weather.  Soul mate love.  A slower pace.  Steps from the beach.  I remember begging Awful for a quieter simpler life and he just didn't get it.  I had to go out and find it for myself.  This is the first time in my life that I feel I am actually living my life 100 percent for me.  I am giving up a lot (like my business) to leave Chicago, but it is the best decision I have ever made.  I have no regrets.  Being with Crush and moving is something I am so confident about, it even surprises me that I am at such peace with this major life event as transitions often break and derail me.

As I make my moving piles, I have faced my past, present, and promise of my future.  And I am happy.  I am VERY VERY happy.  

2 years ago, I was contemplating how to survive and now I am contemplating the best parks in Charleston for a Sunday picnic under a magnolia tree.

Hope.  That is the secret.  I had hope.  And now I am here, in this moment, exactly where I hoped I would be. 

One Last Post About This....I Promise..but, Awful is ENGAGED!

I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....

Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.

He got engaged a few months ago.

I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.

I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears.  Work comes first.  Especially with my move coming.   Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT!  I am hitting my stride again.  I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.

I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents.  My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.

I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.

My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time.  Lately,  I been thinking about him a lot, too.  Our relationship really didn't have an end.  I told him to leave me alone and he did.  He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him.  There is still some goodness in him.  It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.

I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.

Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met.  He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met.  He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon.  He openly shared this with my family, my friends.  He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."

Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?!  He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September.  Yes, THIS September.  I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.

There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant.  There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.

If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.

I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him.  Every other time I tried, he made me stay.  I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.

Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected.  Yes, I dumped him.  Yes, I hate him.  Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend.  I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year.  I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me.  Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.

I am embarrassed.  That's it.  He fits better with his new gal.  We were a bad match.  I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me.  Adore me.  I am pathetic sometimes.

I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon.  It worked out for all of us.  Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too.  Happy endings for everyone.

Did I secretly wish that I would be married first?  Sure I did.  I am competitive and stupid once in a while.

True love isn't a race.  I know this.

I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to.  Now, I feel safe again.  His engagement protects me.  I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him.  Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.

The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.

He was single.

Now, he will be married in a few weeks.

Things can change so fast.

Falling Into Place

My puzzle pieces are beginning to make a total picture.

I just realized they the day I move from the Midwest FORVER (regardless of what happens with Crush, I will never come back), will be my one year anniversary of this blog.

I sound like a broken record always and forever here, but you just never know what will happen in a year!!!!

I officially signed a lease for a new apartment in my new state.  I am excited about it.  850 square feet that are ALL mine.  I am looking forward to cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry.  These last few years I have regressed, my mom believes her way is the ONLY way.  I haven't truly been able to live as I would live without living with mother.  But, I can't really complain.  I received free accommodations for 22 months.

Beggars can't be choosers.

I will never forget the generosity and hospitality that my parents bestowed upon me.  Yes, some days and even weeks were incredibly challenging, but I do think we are even closer now than we ever were (and I have always been close to my family).  My wounds are now just fading scars.  I feel like I am mostly through with my journey of self improvement and reflection.  I am a bit stronger, a bit wiser, and in tune with the areas of my life that I need to seriously work on (binge eating and improving my self esteem).  I am going to continue to therapy down South.

I am ready to fly again from the nest....14 years after I first left.

The future that was once blurry and scary is now becoming something I can partially see.

I have also been hunting for jobs.  The market I am moving to is perfect for my industry.  Even though it is considerably smaller, there are plenty of jobs in my field and they pay well.  I have sent out my resume 4 times and I have received calls promptly for everything that I applied for, some within hours.  My only issue is that the jobs posted begin immediately and because of job commitments here, I can't start there until after I move, which is in just under 2 months.

Many people from my new city have advised me to just wait and move and then interview as things are far less competitive there than they are here.  That is not my style!  I want to move with a place to live AND a job.  Still working on the last half, but I am feeling like I may actually be able to pick the best position for me rather than just take a job for a paycheck.  I also have a little cushion of savings that I can tap into if I really need to, but I am hoping to actually save, so let's hope that employment comes knocking.

This morning, I had a bubble of anxiety sitting on my chest, heavy and tight.

Then, I let my mind tell me the truth.

I am leaving.

I have the chance to set up new practices and routines that will allow me to be calmer.  I will be able to be alone sometimes.  I will be living 5 minutes away from the love of my life.  My favorite spinning studio in the world is in my new city and I will have the opportunity to ride there as often as I like.  Extra bonus that I can cruise on my bicycle 4 seasons a year.  I will continue with my WeightWatchers meetings.  I will be close to the beach and saltwater is wonderful for my skin.  I will be independent again.  I will be FAR away from people that make me nervous including Awful (just moving away from him helps as we do have some mutual friends and I always feel bad that it was such an ugly ending...no one likes to be a part of senseless drama and I did lose some people I really liked and valued because of the breakup).  I will get the opportunity to explore new coffee shops, restaurants, and boutiques.  I will become a regular at a new supermarket and gym.  I will learn my way around and I will then be able to find shortcuts to get me to and from my new regular destinations.

I will be able to be the me I am now.

Not the me I was 20 years ago that some people expect from me.

Life will be better.

I know it.

Bossy Pants

Happy Friday out there!

I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired.  A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!

But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.

Yes, I am bossy.

I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader.  I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.

I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY!  I always sorta knew it.

Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)

So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!

I KNOW I KNOW.  What is wrong with me?

I guess, I just need to feel control.  There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him.  I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go.  I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.

I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it.  I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.

And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience.  Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....

I am over Awful.  I never really loved him.  I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure.  But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!

While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice.  My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above."  Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring.  Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.

I have to admit something.  I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday.  I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same.  On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally.  I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful.  And these pounds are still on me.  And until they drop off, the past is, too.  It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes.  I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"

And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful.  I learned a lot.  Reflection and hindsight is cleansing.  But, I don't think we had the best closure.  I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future.  I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!

Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness.  Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal.  Too literal.

My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG.  From the mouth of moms!

So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants.  It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......

As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......

"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand.  You need that."

And she is right (duh!).  I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.

Memories In The Making.....The Parents Meet!

The trip was a total success.  Better than I imagined.  I am floating on a cloud…….and…..in a very traditional Southern turn of events, I have been somewhat lavaliered.  Yes, lavaliered….

Not is the Greek system sense as it doesn’t have any fraternity ties, but, Crush gave me his prep school class ring today after lunch with a grand speech about how it is traditional to give a class ring from his particular school before an engagement ring and he wants me to know that he is starting the process.  He chose to tell me this in the midst of a 3 mile walk around town in the middle of the day when it was 92 degrees and 100 percent humidity.  I was also wearing jeans and needing a cold drink badly and we were on our way to get 1 for me.  I was so confused as to what was exactly going on (was he about to propose!?) that I nearly fainted!

Not yet, but we are getting closer.  Almost to Phase 2 we are…..he told me that I should wear the ring on my left hand ring finger to “warm it up” for the next couple months.  Swoon. 

Also, I have huge fingers for a lady and he mentioned that he can’t wear the class ring on any of his fingers anymore (he was a LATE bloomer and grew about 8 inches during college), but it fits my left hand ring finger perfectly.  Again, I am not at all surprised because things with us always seem to be this way, but still…what are the chances?

Crush told me he will be coming back out to the Midwest 1 more time to “talk to my Daddy” this summer and that his Momma and he are beginning to work on picking out my ring……In an odd turn of events, my Mom’s ring and his Momma's are exactly the same setting, just with a different shaped  diamond!   Crush's Momma has phenomenal taste and I admire her fashion sense, poise, and kindness.  I am VERY happy that she will be involved in the process.  I think it is super sweet and a huge compliment that she wants to help him with the ring. 

I am NOT just excited about a ring (which I am), but to spend my life in a place I LOVE with a man I LOVE.  I truly believe that Crush is the ONLY man for me and this trip out gave me tons of confidence that my future will be bright.  Better than I ever dreamed.  I can’t wait to be the lady I have always been in my heart.  To emerge from my cocoon.

So….the parents meeting….well….it was JUST PERFECT!!! Everyone got on like a house on fire and the folks just clicked.  The weekend went by in a flash!  2 suppers with his folks, 1 show with his folks, 1 concert with his folks, 1 lunch with his lovely Grandmomma, 1 trip to the beach, 1 trip to Crush’s home town and many many many sites in between….sunsets, singing, fried chicken, white wine, champagne toasts, and ice cream cones.  HEAVEN.  I also worked out everyday I was there which is a huge accomplishment in itself....I just feel SO good in the South! Everything is easier for me. 

My folks just like me, felt right at home.  There is simply nothing like Southern hospitality.  Common courtesy, patience, social grace and manners, and best of all, everyone is super friendly! 

I am sorry to say, but my current city is just missing it all…..and it may just be me, but I personally feel that here, I lose a little faith in humanity day by day.  The mean girls.  The backstabbing.  The crime.  The violence.  The racial tension.  The road rage. The political corruption.

And I know that in my future state, things are not perfect.  Perfection doesn’t exist, but the simple acknowledgement of life does.  Pregnant ladies (all ladies as a matter of fact!) are offered seats, doors are held open, people who know each other…even just a little bit, actually stop to say “hello” and do not pretend to not see one each other (I am guilty of this in my city as I feel like it is just the way to conduct myself socially), store clerks and servers smile, exchange pleasantries, and make eye contact.  It is so refreshing.  I hope it never changes.  I LOVE IT!

It makes me feel like I have purpose, the friendliness….that the world cares about the people in it.  I feel at peace and it brings out the best in me.  I smile and wave and chat and hug and compliment and walk with my head held high.  I stand up straight and make healthy choices for my mind and body. 

When I am down South, my anxiety is minimal, my confidence is sky-high, and my need to binge eat is non-existent.  It is such a huge indication of how environment is a major trigger for me.  If I do not like where I am, it is hard for me to be myself.  It is shocking that my location has such a great influence on my feeling of self-worth.  But at 32 years old, I still have so much life left ahead of me (let's hope!!!).  I know when I move, I will not only let go of the past things that have hurt me, I will celebrate how far I have come in order to get to a peaceful place for me. 

Just like how I sent my “Husband List” out to sea last June to my grandfather, I plan to send a letter out to the universe to all of the people that have hurt me in September when I move.  I plan to list why they hurt me, what I could have done better, and what I have learned.  I will send it out at my happiest place on Earth (Crush’s beach house) and then it will all be in the past and given to the powers above, if you will.  I do believe that forgiveness is necessary for progress and I want to be the best and brightest I can be for me.

This weekend I learned more about Crush’s past, present, and future.  His family is so utterly fascinating.  Trend-setters.  Barrier breakers.  Entrepreneurs.   Charitable beyond comprehension.  I know why he kept so much a secret.  I would have, too…..I understand it all now.  History.  I am encouraging him to write a book.  He has a story to tell. He is truly one of a kind and a product of his environment.  I say this now as only a compliment.

The future holds so much good.  The present is being wrapped up now.  I love and care for my clients dearly and I will DO WHATEVER I CAN to make everything the absolute best it can be.

I want to leave on a high note, especially since I have heard terrible rumors and lies about me.  It is time to prove myself to myself….my final swan song in a place I cannot wait to not call home.

The past will finally be in the past and my future is so clear and near, I can taste it.  

Live life now, but dream big. 

A New Year (Yes, You Get To Do It Twice....New Year's and Your Birthday!)

I am officially 32.  Yay!  I actually feel REALLY awesome about this.  I am cool with getting older as every year I turn, I get a bit wiser.

31 in review.....

Well, to sum it up, it was truly the very worst and the very best year of my life.  Trite, I know....I got knocked down harder and faster than I ever expected, I faced some of my biggest fears (I am no longer afraid of the dark!), failed multiple times, and met the man I am pretty sure I will marry.

31 gave me hope.  The knowledge that the future holds promise, that I don't have to stay somewhere that isn't giving me what I need, that love does not know just 1 city in the United States, or maybe even in the world.  31 taught me that some people are just mean, that people either LOVE or HATE me (I already kinda knew this), and that beaches, fried chicken, the smell of honeysuckle blowing in the breeze, and moonlight kisses are all really actually underrated....yes, they are just THAT good!  31 showed me that from every failure comes first acceptance and then the big lesson, that real friends may be few and far between, but they remember to call you on your birthday (THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!  I WAS WORKING AND YES THIS IS A BIG DEAL AS I AM NOT ON FACEBOOK, SO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO REMEMBER THE DATE!), and that karma is a bitch, a real bitch and for some reason, even if I do eat crow sometimes, someone is on my side up there and I seem to be getting the last laugh time and time again......feels good as when I think bad thoughts about people, I am always conflicted as I don't want them to wish badness on me and I then feel guilty because I shouldn't be worrying about other people, anyway......

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but thank you all again for reading and commenting.  I am so grateful to have a little forum to share and express myself.  I know that we can all relate to one another and it is very comforting.

I decided last Friday that I must begin therapy again, this time to really focus on my binge eating disorder and not just my anxiety and depression.  I believe that for me, food is this dangerous little coping mechanism that gets in the way and then exacerbates my anxiety and depression.  I am actually excited about discussing this in therapy and I am going to see a specialist who deals with compulsive/binge eating, specifically, so I hope to learn some great strategies to keep me from eating my way into hiding.  I have struggled with this in some aspect since I was in elementary school (eating my feelings), but I didn't realize the hold it actually had on my life until 3 or so years ago when I was actively binge eating every single day in the midst of deciding whether or not I should leave Awful...

Since then, I have gained almost 40 pounds and I have been binging several times a week even with my best intentions.  Not glamorous.  I know that when I break free of my environment, I will feel immediate relief and it is possible that my eating will stabilize again, but what about every other transition I will face in my life?  My default is now food.  It always was before alcohol took it's place halfway through college and then when I stopped drinking so much 3 years ago (AWFUL HATED THIS..even though I stopped because my drunk temper could get out of control and I once hit that little clown while drunk and that freaked me out so badly that I knew it was time to reach an active limit with the booze which was actually super easy for me...) the food obsession picked up again.  I fear I will turn to food time and time again if I do not get help.

Now is the perfect time for treatment.

It was only 1 year ago that I realized that what I share with food, this extreme imbalance of love and loathing was actually a real disorder.  Something that I can get help for.  Something that I do not have to be so super ashamed of.  I will let you know how it goes.  I plan on going once a week until I move and then I will continue therapy there as needed.  I know it is what is best for me and we are all a work in progress, right?!

I would like to lose the 40 pounds I put on these last few years and then I plan to stop.  I am not meant to be skinny and it is a goal that I no longer have....one of the many reasons that I am not super motivated these days like I once was. Vanity no longer fuels my restrictive periods.  Thin is awesome, but, truthfully it hasn't ever super duper improved my life any way and now that I am not out on the hunt at a club at 3:00 am looking for sex......I really just want to fit back in my awesome pretty clothes that are all size 10....so when I get to size 10, I will be pumped!

 I just want to be healthy.

If someone called me fat these days, the most dreaded word to me and one I ran in fear from for years and years and years....I wouldn't bat an eyelash.  It is just an adjective and yes, it is true, I am a little fat right now.  I am still pretty (this is a work in progress, being confidant, but I believe I am..on the inside, mostly), kind, funny, sensitive, caring, loud, tall, have long brown hair, have brown eyes.....and yes, I am fat, too.  I just owned it, so no one else can because even if I don't look like I do....I weigh over 200 pounds right now and I feel tired, sluggish, and uncomfortable in my skin these days and it is because I binge eat too much.  Reality sucks, sometimes.

Lots to share this week and I will do so before I leave for a little trip this weekend....duh duh dummmmmmmmm.....where my folks and Mister Crush's meet for the very first time.  GET EXCITED.

Happy Monday!!!!

I Can't Breathe and Lots of Random Reflection Upon My Birthday

I have been having quite a week....

It hasn't been a good one.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I am exhausted.

All of the goals I wanted to accomplish this year, many of them simply didn't happen for me.

I am okay with this.

I am okay with the current trend of failure that is occurring in my life....I see it all as a sign that I MUST leave.  I knew this 6 years ago.  I felt it then.  And I stayed.

My walls have crumbled.  I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  College fat is now a goal of mine.  I want to be college fat because it will be thinner than I am now.

I like to really tangle things up good before I accept the things I have always known...including that I will never be able to achieve my greatest successes in a place that I do not feel comfortable living.  Among the gossip, slander, and hatred that I will never understand.  And yet, I know that this badness exists everywhere.  I know this.  But, I have the chance to start-over.  To redefine myself.  To press the reset button.  It is like the summer before college ALL over again.  EXCITING.

I have halfway fallen in love with myself this year and it is confusing.  To love me, I cannot love all of the other people that I have allowed myself to be tricked by....because I am so different.  My values, my morals, my want for something better.  So, some days I wake up hating myself.  I hate myself for still letting myself be emotionally affected by people I will never respect.  Wash and repeat.  Every single day.

It isn't just high school BS holding me back.  It is the fact that I feel like I am hiding out.  From Awful.  From former clients.  From former school mates that have houses, cars, and husbands while I am living at home.

There is one particular person I really don't want to see.  She lives mere blocks away from my parents.  I HATE HER.  I have always considered her a frenemy....Now, when I think I see her in her car driving....I switch lanes, pull over, make u-turns....FOR WHAT?  She is the idiotic fool and yet I am the one hiding myself.  WHERE IS MY SENSE?

My anxiety and stress are ballooning.  I feel a tight constriction of life strangling me with every sunrise.  Months ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now sleep is my only salvation.  I can't get enough sleep.  When I wake up at 6:00 am, I negotiate why I need to stay in bed until 9:00 am......I haven't slept like this EVER.  In my dreams, I find the life I crave.  I truly believe that happiness is around the corner.

I DESERVE IT.

I HAVE THIS "FUCK YOU" FANTASY WHERE I SEE EVERYONE I HATE AND I WIN.

AND WHY....WHY...DO I EVEN CARE?!

Because truly inside I cannot figure out if I even care or not and this is most confusing of all.

There is a saying that no matter how old you are, when you come home, you will always be a child and I FEEL that.  My parents are the BEST, but still......I am nagged to pick up my room, encourage to eat what my Mom and Dad are having for supper and them shamed for not going to the gym each and every day regardless of my schedule.  There are trigger foods in my home that lead me to binges, yet I cannot keep my parents from bringing these foods into their own home....BECAUSE IT IS THEIR HOME and my father has changed so much since he retired, that he wouldn't understand the emotional issues I am having with food, even if I screamed them into his ears with a megaphone.

He used to be there for me, always.  Now, he is tired of me.  His mother is taking away his patience.  I wouldn't want to be him for a day...having to deal with her.  I get this.  I feel for him.  I am not a child.  I have to get my own shit together, too.

If I stayed here, in the Midwest, I believe I would eventually become unable to leave my home.  I would crumble.  Fall apart.  Reach 300 pounds before I knew it.  I now see life differently.  I see how people cannot get out of something they are stuck in and yet, I have been gifted with the 1 way ticket out of this pit.  I am lucky.

Just getting up and getting out is a constant struggle.  I do it, I do not let people down, but it is becoming a tug of war with my soul.  It is becoming something that I can no longer take for granted....just like how my clothes in my closet used to fit and now they don't.....my life feels like it belongs to someone else these days.  My coping mechanism is saying the amount of days I have left here until I leave. I repeat the number like a ritual.  It gets me through my days.

The visit with Crush was fine.  Not that eventful.  Good.  I cannot relax here in this city, so our visits are always better down south when I am not protecting myself so closely.  He frustrates me terribly, but who doesn't these days?  I know it is me, NOT him.  I am the one having severe issues as of late and accepting my crazy instead of passing it onto to him is major progress in itself.  

I have reached my breaking point.  Yet, I have WONDERFUL people to help this summer and then I will be on my way out of here and towards a better life.  My goal for this summer is to simply survive, to be the BEST worker I can be.  To not worry about my weight as I don't see myself being able to commit to it in this uneasy emotional environment for me.  I have accepted this.  I will cope.  One foot in front of the other until the numbers of days left to chant is 0.

Yet, I want revenge.  There....I said it.  I want blood sucking revenge on a few people and I intend to get it.  Like a lady, but I will get it.  And the fact that I am even sharing this makes me seem like an unhinged freak....but, hell....perhaps I am.  I am a steel magnolia.  I may look like I lay down and play dead and get walked all over, but that phase of life has ended.  Sorry, if you want to make it public and personal, then it will be public and personal from my side, too....especially if you owe me money for my time.

Please understand that a man cannot fix everything.  There I said it.  I know I wanted Crush to be my everything.  My life preserver in this wild sea of change.  BUT, I have to save myself first.  Love, money, a big diamond ring....none of that will ever make me feel whole unless I am whole on the inside.  And I will have all that.  And where I am from, those things: the money, the big ring...that determines who wins.  SICK.  BUT TRUE.  And in those ways, I will win.  But, none of this matters to me anymore....and it once did.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I kinda dated Awful for his money.  Because that defined him and made him more attractive to me.  His money presented opportunities and I liked them.  HATE ME.  I get it, but I am not lying.  Yet, Crush has so much more than anything Awful did and I am over it.  I wish Crush had less, so we could live a bit of a simpler life with less expectations and obligations.

Where I want to win is by being a good person.  An honest person.  A real person.  A kind person.  A person that can actually do all she says she will do.....

I think this is where I am conflicted these days.  AND I KNOW BETTER.  I have been thin before for little blips and whenever I would slip into those size 29 jeans and strut around like a little proud peacock, I would get this sense of "that's it?"  All of the deprivation, hours at the gym, self-obsessing and hatred....that's it?!  Yes, of course being slim feels fucking fantastic, but not mind blowing.  Just okay, really after the novelty of it wears off.  Because 155 pounds or 210 pounds, I am still a bit broken on the inside and this may be my life struggle.  Not fixing my outside, but fixing my inside.

So, yes, Crush's love gets me through my days.  The promise of tomorrow and September and all that jazz.  But, he is just a man.  Just a person and like me, far from perfect.  He is the one for me, but now that I found him, he is not my entire identity.  He is not what defines me.  I am still me.  I am just no longer single.  

I HATED when I was single blog reader and a blogger who I once identified with so much would find a significant other and all of a sudden there was no longer darkness and only LIGHT.  Everything was sunshine and roses.  AMAZING.  Moonlight strolls and sex on the beach.  I was her for a little bit, too.

Now, my honeymoon period is over.  It is.  I think this is where most people stop with the honesty.  Because they don't want to admit that what they yearned for is not all they hoped it would be.  You can still be head of over heels in love with someone and have bad days, weeks, or months.  I met my prince charming and I am still fat, broke, and anxiety-ridden. I am still struggling.  I am still conflicted.

On this birthday (in a few days), I give myself a gift that I never have before....the ability to be myself.  I hope this will be the gift that keeps on giving, until I am old and gray....To say, do, and feel whatever I want.  I give myself the permission to be sad, happy, lonely, or stressed...to accept failure and to learn from it.  To eat ice cream for breakfast if that is what my body is truly craving.  To have good days even if the scale is not where I want it to be.

This last year, a client that fired me (a miserable person who I should have NEVER agreed to work with....I felt like I HAD to because I helped several of her friends, but it was a bad fit from the very start and I am happy I didn't continue, my biggest mistake was accepting them or not firing them first and this haunts me....) told me that she doesn't know how I can "wake up in the mirror and look at myself because I am such a terrible person, a liar, a con-artist, a fraud."  She told me, "I will never make it in life, never amount to anything" that I will "die unhappy and alone and broken" and all I could think was...YOU.  You are this person.  Not me.  You are projecting your life onto me.  Your divorce, your failed relationships, your fading beauty.

This conversation has taunted me 100s of times a day.  It has.  It has given me doubt.  It has led me to rush to the toilet and vomit sometimes when I think about it at the gym where my mind really wanders.

It was my rock bottom.

Because none of the things she said are true.

If anything, it was my goodness and heart that she will never understand because she is the example of the kind of person I can never help: vapid, stupid, self obsessed, jealous, cunning, and insincere.

And yet, she fascinates me...how does a person like her get the power to make me unhappy?

This is something I am still working on....

Feeling Nervous

Crush is coming to town tonight.  In the middle of rush hour on a holiday weekend.  On the flight I specifically asked him NOT to take because I will sit in no less than 3 hours trying to go 40 miles to get him and that doesn't include the ride after he joins me in the car.  Get me OUT of this city....NOW!  PLEASE!!!!!!

There is a reoccurring theme unfortunately....Crush's inability to hear what I say sometimes....or maybe it is just me?

Sometimes these days, I think it is me.

I feel that as I am changing, maybe the things I say....I am not really staying correctly, or maybe I am not explaining things well.....sometimes Crush makes me feel crazy....but, I know why and I will share it later on in the post.

There is a thin line between love and hate and I want to stay on the love side of things!

This week, I didn't love Crush more than I did last week.

I feel like in our relationship thus far, every second since I met him, I have loved him a bit more.

I almost think about my love for Crush as a graph...with the line going up and up from week to week...but this week...well, my love for him stayed the same.

PLATEAU!

Is the honeymoon over????

Crush is FRUSTRATING ME!  He still doesn't have a plan for where we will live next year and it keeps going back and forth from the city to the country.  Flip-flopping.

No regard for my career search which I already started or the fact that I need to find a way to support myself next year, too.

After 1 week of almost hourly back and forths and over explanations of Crush's future plans....my psoriasis flaring the worst it ever has from stress, and gaining 5 pounds from eating every single second instead of calling him and telling him off.....

I decided, I am moving to the city.

With OR without him.

It is what I wanted to do anyway.  The original plan.  And we can still get engaged and just not live in the same place..... Crush has a place to live in both towns and since we won't be living together before we say "I do"....I don't have anything, yet...(I KNOW...we could just live together, BUT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO and I made that mistake before with Awful...I cannot move in with someone again....it would be insane for me though I know it works beautifully for many people including my parents and even Sissy!).

We are 3 1/2 months out from my move and I don't have the time to wait.....sorry, Crush....I am moving across the country for you....the 55 mile difference between city and country isn't my biggest concern anymore....that seems close compared to nearly 1,300 miles of distance from here to down South.

I need a good job.  Something I will be proud of.  A position that can integrate me into the city. And unlike him, my family cannot just create a roll for me....he is lucky, he is.

Crush doesn't mean to be selfish, but he is.  Sometimes he will talk about himself for 30 minutes before he asks me a single question about my day....it annoys me.  But, up until Wednesday, I never even thought to mention it.  To point it out...

Now, what I briefly mentioned above...the WHY is Crush the way he is?

Well, I have skirted around this issue a bit and I now feel like I have a better grasp on explaining it.  Crush has a processing issue.  A learning disability.  It seems like a real legit bad case of ADHD or ADD (I am not a doctor....).  The messes, the inability to plan, the needing extra time to do anything, the impulsive decisions that aren't always the best....

I think it was undiagnosed for far too long.  I don't know how anyone missed it as I picked up on it from the very first long email he sent me.....I thought...."wow, this guy is super smart, but his organization and sentence structure..hmmmmm, he is very hard to follow..." and this comes from me....a person who isn't even a great writer (I am not fishing for any compliments, I truly know that my grammar needs HELP!)...

I asked Crush if he had any learning issues before we even met, to take the pressure off of him to feel the need to overcompensate.  I don't know how it wasn't "discovered" until he was in the midst of failing horribly in a masters program?!  The fact that he graduated from college with honors without time extensions baffles me.  It hurts my heart to say this, but I think he worked EXTREMELY hard and since he has family connections, he could have glided through better than most with his same condition.  I read his final thesis and considering where he went to school (a school considered FAR better than mine) it wasn't what I would consider an "A", but what do I know?!

Crush has manners and is gentile, so that covers up a lot of awkwardness, but the truth is that he is horrible in social situations and as I have explained before, without a lot of knowledge about how the world works, sometimes.

His protected and charmed life has helped him pass-on through easily, but in many ways, I know I am helping him "see" how to relate and react to people.  I am teaching him how to ask questions and make casual conversation.  1 of the first parties I went to with him I noticed that he socialized by moving around the room and telling every single party-goer the same exact story.  Once he passed the general pleasantries of "how are you?", he went right into a tale of how we almost got robbed (tis true) and how I saw it before he did (again true), but the story was highly dramatic and inappropriate for the happy occasion we were celebrating.  When I told him that I thought perhaps he could practice listening and not talking AT people (I can be guilty of this too!)...it was a total revelation for him...all of his life, he has been getting through his countless social requirements by repeating a story he prepared to share before he arrived...it makes me tear up just thinking about it AND I have MAJOR social anxiety myself.  It was his coping mechanism.  He doesn't have many close friends (he has TONS of distant friends though) because he doesn't know how to open up, to share, to relate, to listen.

I know I seem like a bitch right now.......but, well.....but...

I am not THAT excited to see my boyfriend this afternoon......I feel rather "whatever" about it.  It is scaring me.

I went out for coffee with a male friend yesterday and he looked sexy to me in a way that he never has before and I am all WHAT IS HAPPENING!?  I had to tell myself...."GET IT TOGETHER!!!!"

Yet, I know what is happening truly on the inside....I am scared.

Time is getting closer to when I leave and I know that I may be engaged in a few months and it seems SO final....like I never thought anyone would want to marry me and now someone does and I always sabotage....I always don't let the goodness find me....I fuck it up before I can get to that final good spot.

I get so close to greatness and I let it go.  I like to fail.  I don't know why.  But, I feel like I don't deserve success even though I KNOW NOW I DO.  This is a baby relapse, but a step back nonetheless and I want to own it.  To realize that it is happening while it is happening in real time.  To not let the quicksand suck me in....so tempting it can be.

I MAKE A VOW TO MYSELF NOW:

I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL THIS TIME! 

Yes, my boyfriend has faults, but overall he is a winner.  He is ALL I ever wanted.  He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.  Crush is my soulmate.  I know in my heart.  99 percent of the time, nothing in the world makes more sense than our love.....

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, unlike Awful, I am not telling you this to convince myself, I truly believe it.

It is time for me to get to the gym, to shave my legs, to pack my lingerie for the long weekend, and to appreciate that someone loves me for ALL of my flaws ....which are NOT few and far between.

If you made it here...thank you for reading that roller coaster post. I didn't know where it was going until it came to a dead stop and here we are.

HAPPY FRIDAY ALL!

A Weekend in Review and Apple Cider Vinegar

I had a very emotional weekend this past weekend.

I could NOT figure out why I was so blue until I looked at the date and realized that I was supposed to be working, but it was an event I was fired from....Even though I was SO SUPER RELIVED.....I also slugged around feeling like a bit of a failure...

On the plus side, I have been in a great workout place lately which I am proud of.  Not obsessed, just balanced.  I have been visiting the gym 4-6 times a week and on days I do not make it there, I do a 30 minute free weight routine while I watch Hulu on my laptop.....it works!  4 years ago when I was actually the thinnest I have ever been (around the time Sissy got married I got down to 160 pounds and a solid size 10 which is small for me!), I did my free weights everyday while watching Bravo and it was the weights and not just the Spinning that really helped the scale budge.....

I had to think back to what worked for me in my decades of dieting and working out and I HIGHLY recommend a little light weights (I lift 5 pound weights at home and then 7.5 - 10 pound weights at the gym) for maximum shrinkage.

Saturday, I went on a 35 mile bike ride with my Dad.  How awesome is my Dad!!!  He will be 65 next month and he is in terrific shape which I never give him credit for.....he can ski 10 days in a row out West and bike for miles and miles and he is a great role model because the man has NEVER been a member of a gym!  Dad loves activity and found sports he enjoys and tries to do them often.  We are bike buddies and even have the same bike!  When I was a baby, my Dad would put me on the back of his bike (the original baby bike seats that were on the back and not the front of bikes like they are now) and I actually remember getting too big for my baby bike seat when I was 3 and being REALLY upset....it is one of my first memories!

Dad and I rode to a little town we love to make our rest stop because it is full of quaint cafes, bars, and ice cream shops.  He gets a beer, I get ice cream and we sit and chat with lots of other people enjoying life and it always puts me in great mood...which I needed.  On Saturday, Dad actually asked me to slow down a few times which means I have been improving!  Since I have been training for my upcoming Century (100 mile) ride in October, I have upped my pace from 12-13 miles an hour to 14-15 miles an hour and Dad likes to ride a bit more leisurely...made me feel great as those hours in the gym are paying off.

After the bike ride, Mom, Dad, and I went out for burgers and it made me really sad as I remember the time (even up to 2 years ago!) when I would rather be hanging out with many other people than my own parents, but now I am just so blessed and fortunate that spending a day with my family is what I look forward to most.  I am REALLY going to miss them.  Being away from Mom and Dad will be my biggest transition I am anticipating out of everything.

Yesterday, I had an AWESOME workout at the gym, caught up on email, and ate a massive amount of sushi for dinner....again perfection!

Before bed, Crush and I had a wonderful chat about the future and I am feeling much better about EVERYTHING.   I realize now that my issues with the money are simply because of how Awful treated his trust (yes, this is the second man I have dated from family money and with a trust fund), and Crush is so different: generous, better with money and seeing the future (Awful loves to SPEND and Crush loves to SAVE), and Crush's commitment to his family and past and future investments are much deeper than Awful's.  Crush wants to leave something for the next generation whereas Awful just wanted to buy tons of motorcycles!  All will be fine and I need to stop worrying and start functioning.

Apple cider vinegar time....:

You may not know this, but ACV is an amazing cure-all for many things: acne scars, indigestion, weight loss support, and most importantly for psoriasis relief!  Again, I love TRYING so many things, that I often forget what works best and ACV has always topically helped my skin...even though it can stink!

I began researching it again after a particular itchy few weeks from stress and I learned that ingesting it has wonderful properties that many many many people truly believe in.

ACV has the power to re-adjust ph levels in the body and purify toxins.  So.....for the last 2 weeks, I have been drinking 2 AVC drink mixtures a day.  1 after breakfast and 1 in the evening.  I make mine by mixing 1 TBSP unfiltered AVC (Heinz and Braggs are good brands....you need the kind with the "Mother" in it as it has the best healing properties) with 16 ounces of seltzer water and 3 ounces of natural (I like either Newman's or Simply) lemonade.  After a few days, I have been actually craving this little drink....yes, it is an acquired taste and the ACV is STRONG, but after I have my ACV, I experience a surge of energy and I do not feel hungry for a while....YAY!

The ACV is acidic, so I drink mine with a straw and brush my teeth after I finish it as I don't want the enamel on my teeth to weaken anymore than it already has (my 7 year diet soda addiction....4-7 cans a day...was not kind to my teeth!).

In the 2 weeks since I started my ACV, my skin is clearer (psoriasis and complexion), my hair is shiner, and my nails are longer and stronger!  I love trying natural solutions over anything else and this is a keeper!

Also, I have a scar on my tummy from my plastic surgery and I read that the ACV breaks down scars and in 2 weeks, I have seen a MAJOR difference to my scar (softened, reduce in redness)....that in itself is reason enough to try it!

Here is a link for the helpful uses for ACV and if you can handle the smell.....TRY IT!

If you have psoriasis like I do....here is another link for you!

HAPPY MONDAY!

Grandmother Does Not Always Know Best

Yesterday, I spent the morning with my Mommy, cousins, and my aunt and uncle.  We celebrated Mother's Day with lots of cake and presents celebrating my youngest cousin's 3rd birthday.  It was such a lovely brunch and I realized just how much I am going to miss this family.  We weren't always super close growing up (my oldest cousins are 12 years older than me), but ever since I graduated college, I see them often and always look forward to it. They are all super accomplished, but down to earth, fun, and excellent company to enjoy way too much wine with!

After brunch (in my case too much frosting!), Mom and I headed to see my Grandmother.  My Dad (it is his mom) went out east to see Sissy and the babies for Mother's Day.  My parents like to take turns going out there, so they can give Sissy the most help possible, they are very kind like that.

Grandmother was her usual bitter self, but it was the good deed of the day.  She deserved a visit because she gave birth to my Dad who just happens to be one of the best gents around.

During our visit, Grandma, spoke at us and NOT to us.  She likes to do this.  Grandma is very upset about her life and the way it turned out.  It breaks my heart.  She didn't love her life.  She now tells us that she didn't love my Grandfather (who I miss dearly and who I believe had a major influence setting me up with Crush...I was closest with him and my mom's mother out of all of my grandparents).....

She is starting to reinvent the past to fit her theories.  She tells us that my Grandfather didn't want my Dad to go to college (FALSE, my Grandfather was SUPER proud of how smart my dad was and encouraged him to work as hard as he could, so he could get an academic scholarship and my Dad did just that) and that my Grandfather died with tons of money that is in a hidden account (FALSE, he died with almost nothing and my Dad supports his mother entirely and pays for her living facility and caregiver and both are EXTREMELY expensive and she shows no appreciation....my Dad could put her in a nursing home, but he doesn't want to do it since he has some money saved).

My Dad has become very depressed since retiring and losing his father because he feels obligated to see my Grandmother every day and every day she sits and tells him these huge tales and it hurts him.  He has started to fight back and he wasn't raised that way (to disrespect his elders), so now my Grandmother feels like he is taking my Grandfather's side and come on.....let my Grandfather rest in peace....he died still married to her.  Why is she SO ANGRY????

The truth is that my Grandmother has never been a happy woman.  She is the type that needs conflict to feel control.  She was born to a very wealthy family and was raised a much higher class than my Grandfather was raised.  She felt superior to him.  Her father died suddenly of a heart attack at age 50 in the midst of the Depression and he had lost their fortune from making a bad investment a few months prior to his death....they were left with nothing.  My Grandmother had to work to support her family at age 15 and her mother had a nervous breakdown.  She married my Grandfather at 24, but now tells us that she could have married better, that she was forced to be low class....she married him out of desperation and for shelter.

Listening to her is exhausting...especially because you cannot dispute her stories.....

Everyone in my family loves Crush, including my Grandmother.  Oooooohhhh, I do have to applaud Grandma for her tirades on Awful, I even have to admit that she gave him some good digs....and once referred to him as a troll which wasn't nice at all, but is not far from the truth.

She told me that Crush is everything she ever wanted yesterday.....she said, "Your fellow is what I should have had.  He is tall, handsome, kind, gentile, and upper class.  He is really a good find.  Do whatever you can to marry him.  Do not let him get away.  You will never ever do better.  Trust me.  You are aging.  Is his family okay with your weight and class level?  They must see through it because you are Jewish, so with all of this intermarriage at least you have that going for you...."

I just sat there and.........laughed.  I know it wasn't perhaps the best reaction, but my Mom and I looked at each other and had a full-out giggle fit.  Her words are just words.  I cannot let them bother me because it isn't worth it.

Weight-wise, I do have to work on it a bit, that is true...but I am not morbidly obese.  Class-wise...I cannot even get into this lunacy...yes, Crush's family is very established, but they are not unapproachable and my family also (including MOST of my Grandmother's nieces and nephews) has tons of kind, successful, professional people in it....I do not know what she is talking about it....

Then she left me with this nugget of wisdom:

"Get thin, so when they say bad things about you, at least they will not be calling you fat.."

HIGH SCHOOL!  OMG, my Grandmother is a mean 11th grader.

Yesterday, all of my lessons that I have been living became fully formed.  My Grandmother helped me see that without happiness, life is not worth really living.

Finding that happiness is a personal mission and what makes one person happy cannot be said about another.  Everyone needs to find their own destiny, their own calling, their own good place for them.

I am going to be everything that my Grandmother couldn't be because I plan to die happy.

It won't be just because of Crush (he will of course have a lot to do with it, but not EVERYTHING).

It won't be just because I may have money.

It won't be because I am a size six.

If I am blessed to live until 94, I will be happy because I was given the miracle of life and decided that life is too short to dwell on what went wrong.

What is important to recall is what went right.

HAPPY MONDAY!

Do-Over

Remember when you were little and there were do-overs in life?  If you knocked the ball out of bounds in 4 square, or messed up the steps to your dance routine, or sang the wrong words to your made up song...you could just do it over?

Well, my life is getting a do-over.  I am getting to reset it in 4 months and it feels so good.

Plans have changed.  Crush and I will be moving to his hometown and not the city he lives in next fall and I am super excited.  This makes next year a bit easier because transitions are generally hard for me.  Instead of moving to the city for a year, to only move to the country (for me country, it's a town of about 45,000) once we are married; we decided to move to the country after we get engaged and still live in separate residences (I will not technically live with him before marriage after the Awful mess) while we work on fixing up a family home there that we plan to live in (thank you Crush's family and Crush!!!!!) post marriage.  I will get a job there (there are a few options I am entertaining) and then I won't have to quit something after just a year.

I can't complain.  I am blessed.  I am lucky.  I am getting my man and a home to call my own all in the same year.  Words will never be able to express my gratitude.  This is better than I ever dreamed my life could be and it is just the beginning.

I have never felt at home where I live.  My anxiety is sky high.  Lately, I wake up and count the days until my new life begins.  I have been telling my mom that I will be reborn the day I leave this city and I will never look back.  She agrees.  As soon as my father's mother passes (she is 95 and lives in assisted living), my folks are planning to move out to be closer to Sissy and me.  My parents are New Yorkers, they have never felt right living in the Midwest either.  They hate the values and most people (they do have some great friends) and it made growing up here hard because my parents generally felt like everyone was a sheep following the herd of stupidity.

Sissy told me the other day that she loves being able to just go to the grocery store, the bank, the gym, and out to dinner without worrying about her weight, her clothes, or defending her life story.  Like me, she HATED high school and most people here and aside from her wedding day (which was here and mine will be, too, because it is easiest for my family and I have connections), she never had her best days living here.  I can say the same.

In September, I get to be the me I dreamed.  I get to live in a town that my boyfriend's ancestors were an integral part of developing.  I get to work on updating a home that my boyfriend's family designed and built many years ago.  I get to be a part of small southern history.  I will join the synagogue that my boyfriend's great-grandfather helped commission.  I will leave the past behind.

I will never have to worry about seeing Awful.  I will never have to worry about seeing clients that fired me or were unkind to me.  I will never have to worry about not being pretty, skinny, rich, or smart enough.  I will just get to be me.

I am not running away, but I am walking briskly with my head held high.  I never wanted to be here after college anyway.  I just love my family too much to be far from them.  I needed to be close to my folks and my beloved grandfather (who is now deceased and his widow is 95 grandmother) and Sissy (even though were weren't close at the time) after school.  I knew if I didn't come home, I would miss them too much and now life is allowing us to all be different places that we like better and not too far away from one another.

Crush and I are even designing a bedroom for my folks in our new home, so they can come and visit whenever they want....If my parents want to someday live with us full-time, they are more than welcome to!  It would be the least I could do to thank them for getting me back on my feet after I was so broken 18 months ago and giving me the strength and courage I needed to be my best self.  They have been my best friends and confidants while I dealt with the end of my old life (Awful), the transition (ending soon), and the beginning of my dreams (life with Crush down South).

I never believed in the happiness or love I am experiencing.  I didn't think I would be capable of finding what I needed.

I just didn't think it was in the cards for me.

I don't know how to express that enough.

I am not the person that brags that life is easy, that I can eat what I want, that I have infinite money.

I have dealt with verbal and physical abuse, a food addiction, crippling depression and anxiety, hiding from my problems with excessive alcohol, and being a giver giver giver without ever being a taker. I have been stomped on, mocked, and belittled for just trying to be kind, sincere, and good.  I have psoriasis, I have stretch marks, and I have cellulite.  I hate drinking water (I gag it down), not eating pizza is a daily battle for me, and I get insecure about my body on an hourly basis.

I am a person.

MY SHIT STINKS, TOO.

 MY LIFE SUCKED for a long time.  I had to move back in with my parents (people never seem to let me forget this, so I own it).

I know LOSER has been associated with my name all too often in the last few years.  Awful told me specifically..."people think you are such a loser for moving back home, it embarrasses me that I ever dated someone who can't stand on her own 2 feet."

But the joke is on him and ALL of the people who laughed because I didn't go into debt to save face and now I met my soul mate.

Do-overs are even better at almost 32 than they were at 7.

Now I appreciate that a do-over is something that cannot just be given, it is something that you actually have to work hard for.