A Turtle's Pace

Slow and steady wins the race.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  I know this and then I always want the quick fix.  The miracle.  The AMAZING.  I will get so caught up in an infomercial or the latest skin/hair/diet craze that even though I know that I am getting seduced by something that isn't even real,  I often can't walk away.  After I spend money (LOTS of it) that I don't have, I will take a step back and realize that I am crazy and that I just need to go to Walgreen's and Kiehls and count my calories and everything will be fine.

Today I got on the scale and I am down another pound.  I have now lost over 25 pounds (and nearing 30!) since I moved to Charleston and it has been a slow burn.  0.5 pounds to 1 pounds lost most weeks if I lose at all.  There are some weeks that even with the best eating and lots of exercise, the scale stays frozen.  But, this time, unlike ALL other times, I have stuck with it.  All of a sudden, it isn't for a pair of jeans, for my wedding dress or as a heavy reaction to a nasty comment.  It is for life.  I want to live my life without the weight of my weight holding me back.  I want to drink coffee and eat dessert and share appetizers and savor wine and be a part of things.  I want to be present around food.  I want to know that a meal shared with friends counts as a real meal and does not give me permission to have a second one in private where I can "really" enjoy something sinful while I camp out on my couch with the TV serving as company to hide me from my binging secrets.

I acknowledged my eating issues and they are getting better.  I accepted that I had a serious problem with something that I put off for decades.  I even knew when I was 8 years old that sneaking Milano cookies out of my pantry by the handful wasn't something that I was comfortable doing because it made me feel ashamed.

What has been working has been 2 key things.  Tracking my eating (all of it, every tablespoon of cream, every bite off Crush's plate, every nibble straight from the fridge) and my new Fitbit.  The combination of the tracking and the Fitbit, which helps me know exactly how much I have moved in a day and then exactly how many calories I can eat to stay at my goal, has been magic for me.  It has made me accountable to myself.  Something I have struggled with for years.  I have a bad history of thinking I didn't eat all that much or that I worked out a TON when in actuality, I ate three times my caloric limit and worked out half as much as I imagined.  My mind plays tricks on me a lot, especially when it comes to food and people hating me.

And still, the scale doesn't ALWAYS corporate from day to day or week to week, but as long as I know that I am actually doing what I need to be doing to scientifically lose weight (eat less, move more), the scale does eventually catch up.  I haven't had 5 pounds gone in a week, but I am changing.  Slowly, but surely.

Smarty Best Friend said it best when she told me that "she likes to eat healthy because she feels better." It is simple.  If I eat some fruit and veggies, I feel phenomenal.  I move on with my day and have energy and I don't crash.  Cookies, chips and pizza are scrumptious, but they don't make me feel good.  Especially, if I don't treat junk food as something special.  I got into a terrible habit of using food as a work reward and this has been a very hard habit to break.

Yesterday night, I got the urge to try on a dress that I bought for a wedding festivity even though I didn't know which one yet when I purchased it.  It is classic and lace and white and reminds me a little of my wedding dress.  When I bought it, it didn't zip.  At all.  It was on sale and looked like something I would wear.  I have a very particular way that I like to dress and not all things look good on my figure (curvy, tall and broad), but I saw the potential in this dress.  It was on sale after all.  Well, last night, it zipped right up.  Without a Spanx.  And it looks nice.  A Spanx will help to smooth out the areas that always need a little support (tush and thighs say what), but I can't wait to wear it THIS very weekend to a party for our engagement.  I feel so proud of myself and in many ways, I feel like I didn't even try all that hard.  I made small changes and I didn't need to restrict myself with such a heavy hand, like I have always done in the past.  When I strictly limit myself, I have learned, it just leads to a monster binge of everything I told myself I couldn't have.  Everything is allowed, I just need to track it.

So, as I continue my weight loss journey, it's one day at a time.  Rinse and repeat.  I look forward to passing by the exhausted hare on my way to my final goal.

A Daily Treat

The only way that I can avoid binging is by allowing myself to have 1 treat per day.  This treat is usually something I like to savor mid-afternoon.  Currently, I have been losing about 1 pound per week.  I work out 5-6 times a week and try not to eat back the calories I burn at the gym.  I aim for 1,800 calories a day.  After a bit of adjusting, it hasn't been too bad.  It took just a little getting used since prior to tracking calories, I guestimated I was eating between 2,500-3,000 calories some days and over 5,000 on others when I binged.  Not pretty, but at least I know why I was consistently gaining weight.  Science is a bitch.  Calories in.  Calories out.

A few months ago, I cut out most gluten in my diet to help my psoriasis (and it's currently 70 percent better and constantly improving).  Most of my binging was triggered by pizza, pretzels or crackers anyway, so I am feeling way more in control without the gluten regardless of my skin status.  Win-win. I don't think I will ever go back to bread (it used to be at least half of my daily calories) since without it, I do feel WAY better.  I am still eating rice and potatoes, so I am getting my precious carbs in, I would be lost without sushi and french fries and I make exceptions for pizza.  I have deep needs. Pizza is one of them, but it is more of a once a month thing now and not a daily habit like it may have been for me not even that long again.....

Out of those 1,800 daily calories, I leave 300 for something that is junk.  One day, I would love to not have to rely on this little crutch, but I am taking it for what it is and it is actually huge progress.  The truth is, that prior to getting help for my eating issues and coming to terms with my food addiction, I was eating entire large pizzas, jumbo bags of Cheetos (both crunchy and puff varieties, I don't discriminate) and pints of ice cream.  To be able to just limit my empty calories to 300 a day is a hopeful step in the right direction for me.  I am super happy about this.

The rules for this treat is that it has to be a single portion and it can not be kept in the house.  If I bring something into the house, it has to be eaten and the calories must be allotted for that same day. This helps me as I really have to want my treat in order to go out and buy it. Sadly, most days, I do cave and head to the gas station for something sweet.  I have been working my way through the candy racks.

Even though I am trying to eat better and less, the reality is that the lifestyle I aim to lead will always have some junk in it.  I know that since I am an all or nothing kind of person, I need some moderation in my life.  The one glass of wine savored instead of glugging the entire bottle.  The 2 pieces of pizza that I nibble on instead of inhaling the whole pie.  The Milky Bar eaten slowly and mindfully instead of attacking a family sized bag of fun-sized Snickers.

Since I have been in Charleston, I have lost 15 pounds.  I am really pleased by this news.  I have been worrying less about my weight than I ever did in Chicago and the scale is finally starting to consistently move.  I don't know how much more I want to lose, but I would love to have some of my wardrobe back, so I will let you know when I get there.  The good news is that my wedding dress looks great as is and I need some of my curves to make it look va-va-voom.  At least I don't have the pressure of needing to turn into a stick figure in order to walk down the aisle.  I have seen that all too often and starvation and no candy bars would be the end of me.....

Once In A While An Article Really Hits Home

Are you familiar with xojane?

When it first started, I was a huge fan and since then, I don't love the articles as much as I used to, but once in a while, there is an excellent article that really hits home for me, like this one.

Gaining weight has been the hardest thing for me these past few years.  Harder than my abusive relationship with Awful, harder than moving back in with my parents at 30, harder than trying to make a long distance relationship work while I run a very stressful (and often ridiculous) business.

I didn't gain 90 pounds in 1 year like the author, but I did gain 45 pounds in less than 4 years and it has been the biggest weight gain I have ever had.  Yes, there have been times in the past that I have put on 15-20 pounds in a few months due to stress, happy new love, or simply falling out of my gym routine.  But, these 45 pounds have been different.  They were put on solely because I was unhappy, severely depressed, and feeling alone. I emotionally ate my way to a place that even I couldn't really understand.  I abused food so severely, that I can no longer fully trust myself to nourish my body without hurting myself bite by bite.

As I look back upon my eating history in therapy, I realize that my relationship with food has always been totally restrictive or completely reckless.  There has never been moderation and learning it has been difficult.  It is hard to try to build healthy limits with something that soothes me, gives me structure, and keeps me company...but it is food?!  Food shouldn't be filling all of these emotional needs as much as it does for me.  I am relearning my entire way of thinking about it: hunger cues, fulfilling cravings, eating until I am satisfied.  I feel like a baby sometimes.

In a quest to get super real with my journey and stop using crutches to pacify my fear of calories and knowing exactly what I am eating, I have been encouraged to stop WeightWatching and begin tracking calories on a calorie tracker.  I am using MyFitness Pal (there are a ton of others out there, too).  I have tried calorie tracking before, but not in an entirely healthy way....always by majorly restricting to get a quick result.  I am so over doing that, finally.

My food therapist encouraged WeightWatchers until I became disordered with my tracking.  You see, WeightWatchers constantly changes their programs (almost yearly) with new plan updates which I hate to say, but are most likely business related....they need update things so current members have to relearn and recommit and new members will be encouraged to join.  This new program doesn't work as well for me as some of the past ones I have tried.  One of the reasons why is because fruit is "free" of points and since I am a binge eater, I can eat 1,000 calories of it no problem.  Additionally, each week gets 49 bonus points which can be consumed as an option and since I see any bonus as an invite to binge, I sometimes eat 49 points mindlessly just because I feel I can.

Some days I would enjoy my favorite breakfast, an egg white sandwich and coffee: eggs whites prepared in real butter, a regular English muffin, a slice of real cheddar cheese, a slice of Canadian bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar.  This breakfast would be 15 WeightWatcher points or roughly half of my daily allotment of points even though it is less than 500 calories and I aim to eat 1,800 calories each day.  So, after breakfast, I would give up because I would have a client meeting where I knew there would be food, or because I would be going out to dinner with friends late in the evening.  I would quit midday.  The fear of going over my points would leave me anxiety ridden.  Calorie wise I could have made it work, but points wise, it would have been tougher.  Again, I was playing complete and utter mind games and I was self sabotaging.

I know WeightWatchers is a great program and works for many people.  But for me, a chronic binge eater with a much more severe addiction than I initially thought...well, it is very triggering for my own personal issues. Odd, because counting calories (what has been working for me) is often really really triggering for some.  You just never know what will work for you unless you try it!

So, I am calorie tracking and I am currently at a 16 pound loss.  The weight loss is slowing down, but I am not rushing it.  I really want to learn about my food addiction and what I need to do for me.  I don't care it is takes 4 years to get the weight off.  There is no rush, I am simply NOT going to ever gain the weight again.

I want food to be my friend.  Not my best friend, just a friend.  I want to enjoy food, look forward to it from time to time, and enjoy the peace and fulfillment it can provide for me.  Not there yet, but everyday food is becoming less of an enemy.

Nothing Changes IF Nothing Changes

This (blog title) is a great quote going around and one that a best friend shared with me a few days ago.

I love it.

I have been thinking about it constantly.

Simple, really.  Change brings change.

I have started to try new things.  Especially when it comes to eating and exercise.

I am down 14.2 pounds now and if I could be down 20 by the time I move (less than 6 weeks!), well, I would be really excited, but regardless, I know it will come.  I am in a good place with the eating.  I am making changes.  I have enjoyed salads the last several times I have gone out to eat and when I do splurge (like last night when I had a farewell supper with a dear college friend), I took home most of my main course (after we enjoyed appetizers) to have for lunch.  The little things are starting to add up.  I am factoring in my needs versus my wants when it comes to food.  I satisfy my cravings, but I create limits, too.  I need to in order to avoid the dreaded binge monster.

I become super lazy with my eating when my depression rolls in. I have always known what I need to do to help the scale go down, but I cannot always do it.

This time, combined with the eating therapy, I can feel my mind-frame changing.  I am able to bounce back after a bad eating day, a binge, or a shitty workout.  One meal at a time.  I am not waiting for "Monday" to begin my diet because I am not on a diet.   I have shifted my inner voice.  This is a life change for me, not a phase.

Exercise-wise, I am shaking it up and the only negative is my increased appetite! I don't mind the gym, but I tend to not push myself enough unless I take a class and the classes at my current gym SUCK.  SUCK HARD.  They start late, the instructors are always substitutes that have no idea what is going on, the regulars feel like they are entitled to "their spots" in the studio, the workouts aren't serious or well thought out....this annoys me so much, especially when it comes to Spinning which is totally dependant on the music...at my gym, the instructors play the same playlist from 2003 week after week....WHY?!  It is too stupid for words, so I avoid the needless exercise class drama.  It just so happens that I LOVE the gym AND the classes at my new gym in my new city (WHOOT!)....the Spinning studio there is so epic, I dream about it.....I am such a nerd, but it is just that good and I have attended 10 classes there thus far (during my visits) and WOW is all I can say.  

In an effort to create change, I have started to mix some running into my existing elliptical, spin bike, and weight training routine.  I started running (6.0 speed on the treadmill) 1 mile at a time and now I am up to 2.5 miles without stopping.  My goal is to be able to do 4 miles in a row without stopping by the time I move.  It is what I used to do in high school a couple days a week for my cardio workout.  It makes me feel good to know that I can still do the same things (like jog and ride a bike!) I once did over half a lifetime ago.  Since I have started running, my clothes are getting looser and I even zipped up a dress this week that I haven't been able to wear in over 10 months.  Makes me feel good.

I will be back after the weekend with posts (working this weekend!) and hope everyone had a great week!

XXX,

R&F

Battle of The Binge

I binged badly yesterday for my first time since I started my eating therapy.  I have had little slip-ups, but this binge was reminiscent of the big ugly ones of the past.

The silver lining here is that I know why I did it.

I have been working non-stop for the last month or so, averaging 4-5 hours sleep tops.  I now have a nice little break and Sunday after I was done working....I had this moment of relief pass over me (and my tired feet)....I don't have to set the alarm tomorrow, I can just chill out and lay down for the first time in a long time.

I then started thinking.

And let me tell you, I am better busy than with nothing to do because I over-think everything and give myself anxiety without any good reason.

I mulled over Awful's pending marriage and the stupidity of our past relationship.

I got caught in a web of doubt that Crush will not do right by me and makes things official after I move across the country for him (even though I know he will).

I fretted over the fact that I do not have a new job in my new city.

I started beating myself up that I have been trying to lose weight for 18 months and I have only lost 13.5 pounds when other people (like I started to compare myself to contestants on Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser) can do it so easily (even though it must be torture losing 10 pounds in a week!).

I then went to the fridge and pantry to ease my feelings.

I ate and ate and ate.  I must have consumed 5,000 calories.

I fell asleep feeling so full, sobbing.  The guilt I felt over hurting my body was a new emotion.

In the past I always soothed myself post binge by thinking, "Tomorrow is a new day."

Last night, I told myself, "You deserve better than this.  You are better than this."

Today, I am about to go to the gym and face the scale at WeightWatchers.  Yes, I binged epically before my assigned weigh-in day.  I will not hide from the numbers.  I did it to myself and I need to face the consequences of my decision.

I took a little step in the wrong direction.  I am not perfect.  I am not instantly cured.

I am trying and I am living and I will beat this.

It may not be today, but I will battle the binge eventually.

Successes & Stumbles

HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!

It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....

SUCCESSES -

1.  I am down 13.5 pounds.  I am taking it 5 pounds at a time.  Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be.  I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can.  Major improvement.  

2.  My new website is almost done.  EXCITED.  Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.

3.  Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy.  That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work.  This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall.  I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!

STUMBLES - 

1.  One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed.  Basically, taking the power away from the food.  I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me.  I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some.  It was a force that came over me....a routine.  I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was.  This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.

2.  I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush.  Like way nicer.  I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him.  He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole.  Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out.  I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him.  Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too.  I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend.  I am living it!  Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era.  On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool.  His loss, my gain.  Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush.  Swoon.

3.  I did a bad bad thing.  I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it.  I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink.  I know it.  I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations.  YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO.  But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me.  All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still  has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady.  I think he met his soulmate, too.  They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship?  I do.  But, I also think he is still a huge asshole.  It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive.  Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay.  I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him.  I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life).   I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa.  Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was.   I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!).  The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message.  He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't.  It was closure.  DONE.  I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize.  Last few drips of information.  If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!

Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!

XXXX,

R&F

Forbidden Foods

I am getting real with myself and my food addiction.

It sucks.

It has made me SUPER emotional and that is a good thing.  I need to get to the root of my issues.

Food has always been a coping mechanism for me.  I use it as a drug.  To escape reality.  To soothe myself.  It is my sanctuary.

One of my recent discoveries has been shocking.  In therapy, I have had to identify my trigger foods and as I have shared before...they aren't even things I necessarily like.  They are:

Wheat Thins
Triscuits
Pepperidge Farm Cookies (Butter and Milano)
Cereal
Granola Bars
Nuts
White Bread

Other things I really LOVE like pizza, Cheetos, and candy are an indulgence and I actually do not think of them in a negative light.  These items are rarely in the house and are not unhealthy things for me passing for heathy (like some of the items above), so I can clearly identify their potential damage for me if I eat them in excess.

I know I can handle a splurge from time to time if I plan for it and let myself let go and enjoy it within moderation.

One of the things I have recently learned is that everyone is so different with what triggers them.  A binge food for me may be a safe and nutritious food for someone else.  Binging is super personal and foods that make people spiral range from fruit to double bacon cheeseburgers.  The addiction is my own, so the solution has to be my own as well.

The items I listed above are foods that have always been in my parents' home.  From my earliest memories these are the foods we had to grab in the pantry.  My parents didn't believe in real junk (potato chips, soda, Hostess cakes), so when I started to binge actively in third grade, these are the snacks I stuffed myself with.  Over the last 18 months, these are the same items that have been tripping me up time and time again.

I made a major breakthrough in my eating therapy last week.  I just have to avoid these foods.  Since I do not even like these items that much, giving them up isn't that hard.  I just have to stay present and know that the snack shelf in the pantry isn't my shelf.  It belongs to my parents.  When I go back to my independent life, these items will never be in the house and now that I know how damaging they are for me, I will never buy them.

Since I rebooted my WeightWatchers, I have been eating real whole foods with little treats thrown in here and there.  Here is an example of a typical eating day for me:

Breakfast #1 (Pre-Workout):
- 2 light string cheeses
- 1 Nonfat Greek yogurt
- Iced coffee with 2 tablespoons half and half and 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Breakfast #2 (Post-Workout):
- 1 slice American cheese
- 3 egg whites cooked in 1 tablespoon real butter

Lunch:
- 5 ounces of breaded chicken cutlet (skinless, boneless breast) cooked in 1 tablespoon of olive oil
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- Steamed corn on the cob and zucchini

Snack:
- Fruit smoothie made with fresh frozen fruit (nectarine, peach, berries, banana), 1 cup skim milk, 1 tablespoon vanilla syrup

Dinner:
- 4 ounces of grilled hanger steak
- Sliced tomatoes, cucumber, carrots
- 1 medium baked potato with 1 tablespoon real butter and 1 tablespoon real sour cream

Dessert:
- 1 vanilla ice cream dixie cup
- 1 cup cherries

Happy Tuesday!!!!

A New Year (Yes, You Get To Do It Twice....New Year's and Your Birthday!)

I am officially 32.  Yay!  I actually feel REALLY awesome about this.  I am cool with getting older as every year I turn, I get a bit wiser.

31 in review.....

Well, to sum it up, it was truly the very worst and the very best year of my life.  Trite, I know....I got knocked down harder and faster than I ever expected, I faced some of my biggest fears (I am no longer afraid of the dark!), failed multiple times, and met the man I am pretty sure I will marry.

31 gave me hope.  The knowledge that the future holds promise, that I don't have to stay somewhere that isn't giving me what I need, that love does not know just 1 city in the United States, or maybe even in the world.  31 taught me that some people are just mean, that people either LOVE or HATE me (I already kinda knew this), and that beaches, fried chicken, the smell of honeysuckle blowing in the breeze, and moonlight kisses are all really actually underrated....yes, they are just THAT good!  31 showed me that from every failure comes first acceptance and then the big lesson, that real friends may be few and far between, but they remember to call you on your birthday (THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!  I WAS WORKING AND YES THIS IS A BIG DEAL AS I AM NOT ON FACEBOOK, SO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO REMEMBER THE DATE!), and that karma is a bitch, a real bitch and for some reason, even if I do eat crow sometimes, someone is on my side up there and I seem to be getting the last laugh time and time again......feels good as when I think bad thoughts about people, I am always conflicted as I don't want them to wish badness on me and I then feel guilty because I shouldn't be worrying about other people, anyway......

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but thank you all again for reading and commenting.  I am so grateful to have a little forum to share and express myself.  I know that we can all relate to one another and it is very comforting.

I decided last Friday that I must begin therapy again, this time to really focus on my binge eating disorder and not just my anxiety and depression.  I believe that for me, food is this dangerous little coping mechanism that gets in the way and then exacerbates my anxiety and depression.  I am actually excited about discussing this in therapy and I am going to see a specialist who deals with compulsive/binge eating, specifically, so I hope to learn some great strategies to keep me from eating my way into hiding.  I have struggled with this in some aspect since I was in elementary school (eating my feelings), but I didn't realize the hold it actually had on my life until 3 or so years ago when I was actively binge eating every single day in the midst of deciding whether or not I should leave Awful...

Since then, I have gained almost 40 pounds and I have been binging several times a week even with my best intentions.  Not glamorous.  I know that when I break free of my environment, I will feel immediate relief and it is possible that my eating will stabilize again, but what about every other transition I will face in my life?  My default is now food.  It always was before alcohol took it's place halfway through college and then when I stopped drinking so much 3 years ago (AWFUL HATED THIS..even though I stopped because my drunk temper could get out of control and I once hit that little clown while drunk and that freaked me out so badly that I knew it was time to reach an active limit with the booze which was actually super easy for me...) the food obsession picked up again.  I fear I will turn to food time and time again if I do not get help.

Now is the perfect time for treatment.

It was only 1 year ago that I realized that what I share with food, this extreme imbalance of love and loathing was actually a real disorder.  Something that I can get help for.  Something that I do not have to be so super ashamed of.  I will let you know how it goes.  I plan on going once a week until I move and then I will continue therapy there as needed.  I know it is what is best for me and we are all a work in progress, right?!

I would like to lose the 40 pounds I put on these last few years and then I plan to stop.  I am not meant to be skinny and it is a goal that I no longer have....one of the many reasons that I am not super motivated these days like I once was. Vanity no longer fuels my restrictive periods.  Thin is awesome, but, truthfully it hasn't ever super duper improved my life any way and now that I am not out on the hunt at a club at 3:00 am looking for sex......I really just want to fit back in my awesome pretty clothes that are all size 10....so when I get to size 10, I will be pumped!

 I just want to be healthy.

If someone called me fat these days, the most dreaded word to me and one I ran in fear from for years and years and years....I wouldn't bat an eyelash.  It is just an adjective and yes, it is true, I am a little fat right now.  I am still pretty (this is a work in progress, being confidant, but I believe I am..on the inside, mostly), kind, funny, sensitive, caring, loud, tall, have long brown hair, have brown eyes.....and yes, I am fat, too.  I just owned it, so no one else can because even if I don't look like I do....I weigh over 200 pounds right now and I feel tired, sluggish, and uncomfortable in my skin these days and it is because I binge eat too much.  Reality sucks, sometimes.

Lots to share this week and I will do so before I leave for a little trip this weekend....duh duh dummmmmmmmm.....where my folks and Mister Crush's meet for the very first time.  GET EXCITED.

Happy Monday!!!!

I Can't Breathe and Lots of Random Reflection Upon My Birthday

I have been having quite a week....

It hasn't been a good one.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I am exhausted.

All of the goals I wanted to accomplish this year, many of them simply didn't happen for me.

I am okay with this.

I am okay with the current trend of failure that is occurring in my life....I see it all as a sign that I MUST leave.  I knew this 6 years ago.  I felt it then.  And I stayed.

My walls have crumbled.  I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  College fat is now a goal of mine.  I want to be college fat because it will be thinner than I am now.

I like to really tangle things up good before I accept the things I have always known...including that I will never be able to achieve my greatest successes in a place that I do not feel comfortable living.  Among the gossip, slander, and hatred that I will never understand.  And yet, I know that this badness exists everywhere.  I know this.  But, I have the chance to start-over.  To redefine myself.  To press the reset button.  It is like the summer before college ALL over again.  EXCITING.

I have halfway fallen in love with myself this year and it is confusing.  To love me, I cannot love all of the other people that I have allowed myself to be tricked by....because I am so different.  My values, my morals, my want for something better.  So, some days I wake up hating myself.  I hate myself for still letting myself be emotionally affected by people I will never respect.  Wash and repeat.  Every single day.

It isn't just high school BS holding me back.  It is the fact that I feel like I am hiding out.  From Awful.  From former clients.  From former school mates that have houses, cars, and husbands while I am living at home.

There is one particular person I really don't want to see.  She lives mere blocks away from my parents.  I HATE HER.  I have always considered her a frenemy....Now, when I think I see her in her car driving....I switch lanes, pull over, make u-turns....FOR WHAT?  She is the idiotic fool and yet I am the one hiding myself.  WHERE IS MY SENSE?

My anxiety and stress are ballooning.  I feel a tight constriction of life strangling me with every sunrise.  Months ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now sleep is my only salvation.  I can't get enough sleep.  When I wake up at 6:00 am, I negotiate why I need to stay in bed until 9:00 am......I haven't slept like this EVER.  In my dreams, I find the life I crave.  I truly believe that happiness is around the corner.

I DESERVE IT.

I HAVE THIS "FUCK YOU" FANTASY WHERE I SEE EVERYONE I HATE AND I WIN.

AND WHY....WHY...DO I EVEN CARE?!

Because truly inside I cannot figure out if I even care or not and this is most confusing of all.

There is a saying that no matter how old you are, when you come home, you will always be a child and I FEEL that.  My parents are the BEST, but still......I am nagged to pick up my room, encourage to eat what my Mom and Dad are having for supper and them shamed for not going to the gym each and every day regardless of my schedule.  There are trigger foods in my home that lead me to binges, yet I cannot keep my parents from bringing these foods into their own home....BECAUSE IT IS THEIR HOME and my father has changed so much since he retired, that he wouldn't understand the emotional issues I am having with food, even if I screamed them into his ears with a megaphone.

He used to be there for me, always.  Now, he is tired of me.  His mother is taking away his patience.  I wouldn't want to be him for a day...having to deal with her.  I get this.  I feel for him.  I am not a child.  I have to get my own shit together, too.

If I stayed here, in the Midwest, I believe I would eventually become unable to leave my home.  I would crumble.  Fall apart.  Reach 300 pounds before I knew it.  I now see life differently.  I see how people cannot get out of something they are stuck in and yet, I have been gifted with the 1 way ticket out of this pit.  I am lucky.

Just getting up and getting out is a constant struggle.  I do it, I do not let people down, but it is becoming a tug of war with my soul.  It is becoming something that I can no longer take for granted....just like how my clothes in my closet used to fit and now they don't.....my life feels like it belongs to someone else these days.  My coping mechanism is saying the amount of days I have left here until I leave. I repeat the number like a ritual.  It gets me through my days.

The visit with Crush was fine.  Not that eventful.  Good.  I cannot relax here in this city, so our visits are always better down south when I am not protecting myself so closely.  He frustrates me terribly, but who doesn't these days?  I know it is me, NOT him.  I am the one having severe issues as of late and accepting my crazy instead of passing it onto to him is major progress in itself.  

I have reached my breaking point.  Yet, I have WONDERFUL people to help this summer and then I will be on my way out of here and towards a better life.  My goal for this summer is to simply survive, to be the BEST worker I can be.  To not worry about my weight as I don't see myself being able to commit to it in this uneasy emotional environment for me.  I have accepted this.  I will cope.  One foot in front of the other until the numbers of days left to chant is 0.

Yet, I want revenge.  There....I said it.  I want blood sucking revenge on a few people and I intend to get it.  Like a lady, but I will get it.  And the fact that I am even sharing this makes me seem like an unhinged freak....but, hell....perhaps I am.  I am a steel magnolia.  I may look like I lay down and play dead and get walked all over, but that phase of life has ended.  Sorry, if you want to make it public and personal, then it will be public and personal from my side, too....especially if you owe me money for my time.

Please understand that a man cannot fix everything.  There I said it.  I know I wanted Crush to be my everything.  My life preserver in this wild sea of change.  BUT, I have to save myself first.  Love, money, a big diamond ring....none of that will ever make me feel whole unless I am whole on the inside.  And I will have all that.  And where I am from, those things: the money, the big ring...that determines who wins.  SICK.  BUT TRUE.  And in those ways, I will win.  But, none of this matters to me anymore....and it once did.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I kinda dated Awful for his money.  Because that defined him and made him more attractive to me.  His money presented opportunities and I liked them.  HATE ME.  I get it, but I am not lying.  Yet, Crush has so much more than anything Awful did and I am over it.  I wish Crush had less, so we could live a bit of a simpler life with less expectations and obligations.

Where I want to win is by being a good person.  An honest person.  A real person.  A kind person.  A person that can actually do all she says she will do.....

I think this is where I am conflicted these days.  AND I KNOW BETTER.  I have been thin before for little blips and whenever I would slip into those size 29 jeans and strut around like a little proud peacock, I would get this sense of "that's it?"  All of the deprivation, hours at the gym, self-obsessing and hatred....that's it?!  Yes, of course being slim feels fucking fantastic, but not mind blowing.  Just okay, really after the novelty of it wears off.  Because 155 pounds or 210 pounds, I am still a bit broken on the inside and this may be my life struggle.  Not fixing my outside, but fixing my inside.

So, yes, Crush's love gets me through my days.  The promise of tomorrow and September and all that jazz.  But, he is just a man.  Just a person and like me, far from perfect.  He is the one for me, but now that I found him, he is not my entire identity.  He is not what defines me.  I am still me.  I am just no longer single.  

I HATED when I was single blog reader and a blogger who I once identified with so much would find a significant other and all of a sudden there was no longer darkness and only LIGHT.  Everything was sunshine and roses.  AMAZING.  Moonlight strolls and sex on the beach.  I was her for a little bit, too.

Now, my honeymoon period is over.  It is.  I think this is where most people stop with the honesty.  Because they don't want to admit that what they yearned for is not all they hoped it would be.  You can still be head of over heels in love with someone and have bad days, weeks, or months.  I met my prince charming and I am still fat, broke, and anxiety-ridden. I am still struggling.  I am still conflicted.

On this birthday (in a few days), I give myself a gift that I never have before....the ability to be myself.  I hope this will be the gift that keeps on giving, until I am old and gray....To say, do, and feel whatever I want.  I give myself the permission to be sad, happy, lonely, or stressed...to accept failure and to learn from it.  To eat ice cream for breakfast if that is what my body is truly craving.  To have good days even if the scale is not where I want it to be.

This last year, a client that fired me (a miserable person who I should have NEVER agreed to work with....I felt like I HAD to because I helped several of her friends, but it was a bad fit from the very start and I am happy I didn't continue, my biggest mistake was accepting them or not firing them first and this haunts me....) told me that she doesn't know how I can "wake up in the mirror and look at myself because I am such a terrible person, a liar, a con-artist, a fraud."  She told me, "I will never make it in life, never amount to anything" that I will "die unhappy and alone and broken" and all I could think was...YOU.  You are this person.  Not me.  You are projecting your life onto me.  Your divorce, your failed relationships, your fading beauty.

This conversation has taunted me 100s of times a day.  It has.  It has given me doubt.  It has led me to rush to the toilet and vomit sometimes when I think about it at the gym where my mind really wanders.

It was my rock bottom.

Because none of the things she said are true.

If anything, it was my goodness and heart that she will never understand because she is the example of the kind of person I can never help: vapid, stupid, self obsessed, jealous, cunning, and insincere.

And yet, she fascinates me...how does a person like her get the power to make me unhappy?

This is something I am still working on....

OCD

Obsessive compulsive disorder.

Did you all see Girls last night? Oy.  Another similarity I have with Hannah, though mine never got as bad as hers....with all the touching herself on a loop....but I am sure it could have.

Hannah's number is 8, mine is 10.

I wasn't OCD in all areas of my life.  But, I was in some.

I first noticed my OCD tendencies when I moved to the Midwest and every night after I was tucked into bed (I was babied and tucked in until I was at least 11) I climbed out of bed and stood in front of the closed closet and put my hands on the sliding wood doors and counted to 10.  Often I did this ritual 3-4 times.   Until it felt right.  Until I could get back into bed and know that any monsters that were hiding in the closet to hurt me were blocked by the shield of my counting.  I did this until I went away to college.

Another ritual was making sure my belly button was covered under multiple layers when I slept.  This included night clothes and blankets and my hands.  I also counted to 10 covering my belly button until I fell asleep.

As I got older, my new rituals became 3 very specific ones: making sure the stove and oven were off, making sure the front door was locked (when I was leaving and when I was inside before bed), and making sure the hair iron/curing iron were off.

Typically I tested these things by:

Turning the door knob 10 times multiple times until it felt right.  Sometimes I would do this 20-30 cycles, and miss my bus to work because I couldn't get out the door.

The stove was a big one for me.  I lived with roommates off and on in college and in my 20's and once in a while I would come home to the stove being left on and it would get me going like nothing else.  I would simply panic that everything could have burned, innocent people could have died at my stove's expense, and I would have to live with the horrible blame that I may have hurt someone.  I never knew if it was me or a roommate that may have made the innocent mistake and it didn't even matter to me.  What mattered is that it was up to me to control the stove.  I would stand over it and touch all 4 burners repeatedly and count to 10 before I left and sometimes this could take up to 10 minutes until it felt right.  Many times I opted to cook in the microwave and avoid the stove entirely.

The hair iron fear started after I watched an episode of Friend's when Rachel burns down Phoebe's apartment with her hair iron (it wasn't Phoebe's candles...it was Rachel's hair iron!).  Back in the day, these hair appliances didn't have the automatic turnoff that most of them do now.  I would make sure that all of the beauty machines were unplugged from the electrical jacks and then I would rub my hands over the outlets while I counted to ten.  Time and time again.

Every roommate I lived with eventually got a boyfriend and started spending less and less time at home and this was not always the relief that comes with lots of extra space and privacy for free.........as then I knew that I was the sole responsibility when it came to the door, the stove, and the hair iron.  As a people pleaser, I was okay if my stuff got ruined.  I had my own renters insurance and I knew my folks could bail me out if I really needed them to help me.  It was living with other people that sometimes made me nervous as I would NEVER want to be the one that ruined something that belonged to someone else.

My best years in my 20's were when I lived alone in 805 square feet of parquet wood bliss.  Up high on the 27th floor with a slight view and respectful neighbors in their 40's, 50's, 60's, and 80's.  I loved this apartment and only gave it up to move in with Awful as he promised me conversion and marriage if I did and as you know, that never came.

Living with Awful stressed me out and triggered my OCD like no other as he lived in a beautiful home that his trust fund bought him next to very undesirable neighbors. He drank often and was constantly sloppy with his actions and super forgetful.  I once woke up in the middle of the night to the front door and gate left completely open after he came home sloshed and had passed out on the downstairs couch.  His neighbors were not the Brady Bunch......my fear intensified so badly, sometimes when he went out, I pushed a dresser in front of the bedroom door to make sure that I would be woken up if and when he got home and tried to get into the bedroom, so I could check all the doors again..if not, I would be safe in the room alone....how I wanted to sleep anyway....without his snoring next to me.....Amelia Bedelia's recollection of events and instructions seemed photographic compared to Awful's.

One of the biggest issues with Crush is that he blamed me for everything and this triggered my OCD.  He would act all easy going and casual in front of friends and family, but if anyone came over to his place and spilled or broke anything, he would play it off so cool in front of guests and them ream me and insult me for hours over it.....he would want to know "how could people be so disrespectful?", "how could YOU allow that to happen?", "YOU should pay for the damage for not handling the situation better and btw, those were your friends that caused a mess....." yes, the very ones he tried to steal and claim the minute we broke up.....it was a lot for me to handle and every since then, I have been trying my best to just calm the hell down.  It is only stuff.  Stuff is replaceable and I think sometimes my clients want a bigger reaction that I can give them....but, let's all calm down, shall we?

After I watched the Girls episode last night, my anxiety got super bad and I couldn't place it at all for a bit.  Then, it hit me.  Crush is also super forgetful.  Is this just a man thing?????

Crush loses his phone, his sunglasses, his wallet, his checkbook, and his keys no less than three times a day.  The first time he had a mini-freak out about lost keys, I looked all over and didn't have time to do my hair or makeup (we were meeting his parents for lunch) and they were in his back pocket the entire time and I had to show up to a nice restaurant looking like a drowned rat with wet hair dripping down the back of my dress and all I had to salvage my look was a pat of red lipstick....this lady wasn't happy.

I would be lying if I told you that I couldn't relate.....lost things in my hand are my reality.

Now, I know not to indulge the lost rants of Crush.  I tell him calmly, "let me finish what I am doing and then I will help you look" and often he finds whenever he has lost on his person, in his car, or in his blazer pocket before I am even halfway done curling my hair.  I know to have him check those places first.

And yes, my confession of OCD may help you all understand my need for control.  The food...it is the only thing I cannot control and I fear that if I over control it, I will end up anorexic.  I have never confessed that before, but it is my truth.  For a few months in high school, I ate 1,000 calories a day and lived on dry bagels, chocolate Snackwells yogurt, and fat free mini pretzel twists.  This was prompted after Bitch and Snake told me I couldn't come to a party because I was too fat. I vowed to lose 20 pounds and I did it in less than 2 months.  It wasn't fun, but something about it was very intriguing to me and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again....BUT, well, every time, all 3 times, I have lost a significant amount of weight, it has always been through restricting.  I am still trying to find my happy medium and I won't stop until I do it.  I will see this as the biggest accomplishment of my life.  Overcoming the binge eating....it has tortured me for over 20 years.

My tendency to need to be in control is so strong that when clients or other people try to micromanage me, I simply ignore them.  I make it a challenge for them to contact me because if you don't treat me nicely, you may not get my attention at all.....this shows itself now that I run my own business and one of the reasons why I am excited to go back to work in a corporate office capacity.  In that environment, I turn into a people pleaser again and a total team player....so much so, that I get walked all over, but I do often get the best reviews.

Like, I said, I am FAR from perfect.

And thus, why I am back on my anxiety medicine and back in therapy.

The place I am in now, it is scaring me a bit.  It all seems too familiar:  a big transition coming, weight to lose, a job I am unhappy with and somewhat over....BUT, so different, because this time, I am realizing what is happening while it is happening....NOT AFTER!

There is no better control for a control freak than living in reality.

And Crush can't use the stove anyway (he is the WORST cook EVER), so I am happy to take this role on, if I know the stove will be turned off after I prepare supper and before we go to bed.....without counting at the closet door before he tucks me in!!!!!!!

Family Matters

Didn't you just love Family Matters with Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel? My favorite thing was when nerdy Steve would turn into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle (who was Steve Urkel without the nerd glasses, hitched up pants, and suspenders), and woo Laura Winslow.....my Nana and I used to just lap that guy up.....SWOON. TGIF on ABC forever.  Yes, that includes Dinosaurs, Step by Step, and Full House.  Man I miss my Nana, she would watch with me and we would babysit each other every Friday from 7-9 pm while we ate lo main.....I would seriously give up 6 months of my life to get to live one of those TGIFs in with my Nana now at age 31 and not age 8...didn't appreciate enough when I could.

I digress......I am doing it again.  The ME.  The Ready and Fading Signature Move.  Let me introduce....the one, the only.....LE MELTDOWN.

Ah, yes, we are here.

The time when I realize that I am transitioning from one life experience to another and I freeze up, get rigid, get afraid, and self sabotage.

It happens when the scale is going down.....one day, I will wake up, give up, and eat that chocolate and ice cream I love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Or, I will promise something to a client and then cut it right to the deadline second because I am watching the Wendy Williams show.  Perhaps, I will get ready to go out for a night on the town and start thinking about Awful and then I will put my pjs back on and get back into bed with some Fritos because ditching plans is better than the .0000000005 percent chance that Awful will be eating tapas at the same restaurant I am going to on a busy Saturday night in a major city.

When I am ready to succeed, I let myself almost fail.  It is this really BAD habit and I know I can't always help it.  The rush of adrenaline I get from the ice cream binge, the last second success, or the doing what I need to do to protect me....it is something I can't stop doing. WHY?

Anxiety is not fun. 

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  This is new for us.  This is real.  I HATE it.

Most of the animosity is coming from miscommunication.  I was raised to talk about doodie (poops), sissy (pee), and fertzies (farts) and to be free and natural and open.  Maybe too open.  I mean, I like to feel it all...the sad, the bad, the mad, the she didn't even know what she had......  Crush, he is FORMAL.  Pent up, really (everywhere, but in the bed).  He is forced with his social interactions to the point of being socially awkward, sometimes.  Everything just feels so SCRIPTED unless it is just us two together or we are out with my family.  I am not enjoying this. I like real.  I like raw.  I like fresh.

I accused Crush of having some processing and emotional issues.  I do think that he has coping mechanisms in place to deal with his family and I probably have no idea what is really going on. They are lovely and kind and welcoming and accepting, but they are NOT my family.  They don't bite the tushies of babies and eat ice cream all together in one bed and have breath wars (Honey Boo Boo's family stole this game from mine), well, because they are not disgusting like my little bunch.  But with the formality comes a bit of coolness and I am such a warm blooded little lap doggie.  I attract the loons and the loneliest because of this.

Crush doesn't let anyone in, but me.  Yes, me.  Chosen I am.  I guess this is how it should be.  He cries to me, he shows me his hand, but he is still loyal to his family way as he should be.  When he gets around his own family he turns into a mute who can't speak up, act like a man, or hold eye contact.  With my family, he is totally (well... he is still a total clumsy clod) fine and fun and light and open.


OF COURSE, upon talking to a special bestie today, she gave me the BEST advice and told me to STAY out of it, WAY out of it.  She is happily married and knows that the easiest way to coexist and not get smothered is to stay out, but stay respectful and I know this is EXACTLY what I need to do....it's just that I live so heavy with my heart that I can never not give 110 percent, but I am going to try to be a bit more reserved this time around, I do think it will help me in the long run.

I want to be with a man who is a gentleman, but then I am super hard on Crush to loosen up.  How is this fair?  I am giving mixed messages to a man who is already a bit emotionally mixed up.  Not good, not good.  I want my little place with my Crush.  I need it.  And yet, I know his family comes with it and they are awesome, don't get me wrong, but they aren't my family and maybe this is where my anger and hostility are coming from....I am moving to be with him, to his state, and I will be close to his family and I am scared.....I will miss mine so much, it will be a hard time transitioning.

I said it.

I am terrified.

Because I never met a transition that didn't flip me out, fatten me up, and knock me flat on my bottom.

Let us all hope that this one will finally be different. 

FULL

Lately I have been in a place I have never been before.

I am full.

Not just my tummy, which has been feeling very satisfied now that I am not longer eating wheat.

My entire body is full including my heart, my mind, AND my physical hunger.

Crush has not saved me.  As romantic as I am, the relationship has given me things I have always craved: love, acceptance, understanding, growth...but it is more than just him which is giving me a feeling of comfort and peace.

I have found fullness because I have begun to listen to my triggers, my little voice inside, dare I say, my angels.

The friends that make me feel bad, judged, or insecure......I don't talk to them anymore.

The clients that I can never make happy no longer what I do or how clear I am.....I release them from terms when appropriate.

The foods I know I must avoid because I cannot trust myself with them (Triscuits, Wheat Thins, loaves of crusty french bread)......I don't buy them and make sure when I must be near them (like at restaurants or parties) I eat something else, I cannot go down the rabbit hole there.....those yummies will win.

I recently stopped playing games with myself and I feel like a veil has been lifted.  Things do not HAVE to be so hard unless I make them this way.  Sometimes reality sucks: that person hates me, I lost the job to someone else, I don't fit into my pants because I couldn't stop binging for 6 months because I was so depressed....but isn't the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....isn't that the same thing that I was doing for all of these years?  Allowing my mistakes to take over my life, even though I wasn't happy with it?

For instance, I used to make up servings that suited me when I was trying to calculate calories.  I would take a huge bowl of ice cream and call it 3 servings, when in reality in was more like 6 servings.  So, then I would calculate the day and ice cream alone, I would be off by 400 calories.  I would cry that I couldn't lose weight and I was TRYING.  But, I wasn't trying that hard if I wasn't being honest to myself.  Often at the end of these weeks, I would be up and not down in weight and I would fool myself into thinking that it was some kind of diet conspiracy........BUT, I was the one putting the calories into my mouth and then turning my mind off.

I don't know everything that may happen in the future.  I do have a very good idea though.  I am leaving and I am pressing the reset button and I am EXCITED beyond belief. So much lives somewhere else now.

I am waking up and living for myself.  This morning I made myself fried rice for breakfast (veggies, eggs, brown rice) because I felt like it.  Because it sounded good.  Because I thought it would satisfy me and it did.  Old me would have eaten cereal because that is what people are "supposed" to eat for breakfast even though cereal never made me feel full and I would eat an ENTIRE box in one serving and then I would feel terrible about it for the rest of the day.

I decided that full is worth getting creative for.  No one really cares what I eat or do, the only thing that people who truly love you care about is that you are happy.

For the first time in years, I am.

Wheat Free Updates

I am VERY surprised at how satisfied I am NOT eating wheat!

I am NOT hungry or feeling like I NEED to eat all of the time.

That is not to say that I am not eating when I am not hungry.....

I just don't feel the urge to munch, I am feeling in control.  Now, I just need to listen to my body a little better.

I got on the scale this morning and I am down 3 pounds.  I feel like this is going to work, for many reasons, but one is the most obvious to me....

I have psoriasis.  For years it was quite mild and contained to my elbows and knees.  As I have gotten older, it has been spreading....elbows, knees, scalp, calves, back, lower arms, upper arms, tush.....the feeling of being completely out of control when it comes to this.......there is no cure for psoriasis, it really bothers me some days and makes me self conscious to wear my favorite things like sleeveless dresses.

A few years ago, I tried being vegan as a solution to help my psoriasis.  I knew of a former friend who had cured his very severe case by being vegan and he was most helped by cutting out eggs......For me, it didn't get better when I tried the vegan lifestyle, it actually got worse after a while.   Everyone is different. At this time, I was also on the verge of taking the final plunge and breaking up with Awful, so it may have flared from stress (another thing that brings it on), too.  It was horrible.

Dermatologists will tell you that there is little scientific evidence between psoriasis and diet, but psoriasis sufferers will try anything to control it. Being healthiest (healthy diet, exercise, no smoking, very little drinking) is a way to minimize symptoms.  When I was at my thinnest, my psoriasis was the best it had ever been.  I know there are multiple reasons why I need to lose this weight for real.

Back to the wheat.....well, since I have been mostly wheat free (there has been a few bites of birthday cake and some questionable items that may have had gluten in them), my psoriasis has improved greatly.....When I had tried the vegan diet, I was eating MOSTLY wheat, so this may have been a reason why my psoriasis flared so badly.  Now, I have seen a 50 percent improvement in less than 2 weeks.  I have a feeling that if I continue to eat like this, I may be able to reduce it even further.  I am feeling hopeful about my psoriasis for the first time in years.

I also tried on jeans that haven't fit in ever and I could button them....they were skin tight, but I haven't been able to get them over my knees in over 3 years.  WOW.  I am so much less bloated, even if the scale isn't where I would truly like it to be....EXCITED!

I will keep you posted and have a wonderful day!

1 Day Down.....

I tracked EVERYTHING yesterday!  YAY! I just had to share as this is actually a BIG step for me because not only did I track EVERYTHING, I was within my recommended caloric intake to lose 1 pound a week.

I set my tracker for workouts as I do go 5-7 times I week, so with a workout, I can eat quite a bit and I am very satisfied, I am never hungry.  I am just emotional, bored, tired, sad, or nervous....The over- eating rarely comes from hunger.

So now I move along to day 2 and like I said yesterday, even if I eat 20,000 calories, I am going to track it.  The goal is to track and if I can stay within my calories, that is simply a bonus for now.

I had to bring it back to basics to make sure I can do this!

Have a great day!!!!!!

Happy Tday and Things I am Thankful for This Year

Happy Tday all!  I love Thanksgiving because I love family, pie, and wine, but I am not actually a fan of turkey.  Somewhere across the country, Crush gets to eat fried chicken at his Thanksgiving table, so lucky he is!  One day, I hope to be there with a drumstick hanging out of my own mouth!  Yum!

This year has been one of the best and worst of my life.  Bittersweet in every sense of the word.  I hit my lowest lows, but now, that light at the end of the tunnel I have mentioned, I can actually see it!  It will all be okay, I just know it.  I think I have found the peace and love I was always seeking in myself.  I know I have the skill set to find my way out of darkness.  This is a huge revelation for me.

I am not perfect.  I am still struggling with the eating each and every day.  This is my real demon.  My food issues are at the core of who I really am.  I am still so all or nothing.  I don't want to deceive you, I am doing okay because I am finally acknowledging it, but I am addicted to food, more specifically the comfort food brings and I eat mindlessly on a daily basis.  My recent acceptance of my situation is huge for me.  The first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging it.  I have a problem.  I love eating alone, in the comfort of my bed, without judgement, where calories don't count.  It is not glamorous or fun.  It is an addiction I realize and my goal for 2013 is to overcome it, one day at a time, one bite at a time.

Here is what I am thankful for this year:

1.  I am thankful that I have a family that loves and supports me.  They took me in when I needed to come home, when I had left my job to create my own business.  They have been my safety net this year, my comfort.

2.  I am thankful for my best friends.  I believe in quality, not quantity.  I have a few VERY best friends and they are my soul sisters.  We have all been through a lot.  New love, new life, fatal tragedies, and great accomplishments and milestones.  I am blessed that my friends love me enough to support me through all of my ups and downs.  Through my tears, my selfish ways, my jealousy, my depression, my want of something that seemed so impossible at the time.  I think they know that at the very root of my soul, I would do do ANYTHING for them, ANYTHING!  I would literally stand in front of a moving bus for them to protect them, I love them all so much.  Real friends, the kind you can sob to at 2:30 am, there is no price you can put on the value of them.  I am very blessed for the people I have in my life.

3.  I am thankful that I took a risk to pursue a dream of mine.  I own my own business.  I am doing well.  The only negatives are self inflicted.  My procrastination is my greatest weakness.  I am great at my job and even though it can be emotional, annoying, drama filled, and insanely petty, I love it and I love the role I get to play.  One day I will tell you all it!  My goal for this Tday is to wrap up all unfinished business by Sunday of this week.  I am going to do it!  I feel the wave of motivation cresting inside of me and I am excited!

4.  I am thankful that my sister and I are so close.  Perhaps this should be under point number 1, but I am going to give her, her very own place on the list.  We were super close as little ones all the way through high school.  Then, things fell apart.  She struggled when I was doing well and vice-versa.  7 years we just weren't on the same page.  Living in the same city as your sibling and not being close like you should be, there is nothing quite like that emptiness.  Having your sister close in location, but not close in your heart.  My sister followed her heart and found the perfect life for her.  She is happy and I am happy for her.  We are the closest we ever have been.  I also wrote my brother-in-law a letter and we are in the process of patching up our issues, he doesn't like to share my sister, that has a lot to do with our personal problems.  Sissy and bro-in-law are genuinely happy for me and are super excited about Crush.  They will meet him soon, he is going to come visit when my sister has her baby (in 3 months), we are all so looking forward to it!

5.  I am thankful for Crush.  Well, of course I am!  You all knew that was coming....I gush about him on the regular, but I do truly believe he is my soulmate.  I did a lot of hard and deep emotional work before I was ready for him and now, well, this has been the easiest and most fulfilling relationship I have ever had with a man.  He is quickly becoming one of my best friends, that is what love is all about.

6.  I am thankful for being able to reconnect with many of my old hobbies that make me happy: reading books, long walks, bike rides with my dad, spinning classes, early nights to bed, chatting with my friends on the phone or seeing the local ones for a lunch or dinner.  I miss acting and comedy and do plan to get back to that soon, too, when time allows.

7.  I am thankful that I acknowledged that I have a problem with alcohol.  I do not consider myself an alcoholic.  I just know that my judgement, productivity, depression, and personality are not positively affected by alcohol, so I avoid it most of the time.  I have a few safe people that I like to indulge with, other than them, it is best for me to enjoy some drinks, but not get drunk.

8.  I am thankful that I have started to really love my body.  All of my body.  I am a woman.  A real woman.  I have flaws and I have beautiful curves.   Fuck (sorry Crush, this is the right time for a cuss) all the men that made me feel like my stomach was not flat enough, my stretch marks were something to be questioned, my vagina was ugly because it doesn't look like a mainstream porn star's...FUCK THEM ALL!  I am beautiful.  I am special.  I am ME.  My body functions.  It wakes up, it makes it through 40 mile bike rides, it feels, it gives and receives pleasure, it rests peacefully.  I used to look in the mirror and sob.  I would see my thighs, my cellulite, my "flaws".  I now look and smile.  I am not perfect, I am just a person, but I am a really cute person at that!

9.  I am thankful that I am brave.  I am a late bloomer, but I have a real sense of self.  I have integrity.  I knew Awful wasn't right for me and I found the strength to walk away from a very difficult situation.  I learned once and for all, that I cannot change a man.  It was a lesson I always knew, but couldn't truly grasp.

10.  I am thankful that I am not afraid to be me.  I like preppy clothes.  I like red lipstick.  I like a perfume that I have worn since I was 11.  I like angry girl rock and show tunes.  I like really bad shows on Oxygen, like The Bad Girls Club.  I am me.  A big thing for me this year was that I deactivated my Facebook profile.  I may never get back on.  It was giving me terrible anxiety because I felt so embarrassed....all of my "friends" had it all: the handsome husband, the beautiful babies, the new cars, the big houses, the exotic vacations....AND, well, I was living at home with my parents, feeling jealous, feeling ugly, feeling like a total loser....!  I knew I was being judged for my hardships.  Not by my real friends, but by my virtual "friends."  I know how people get together and look at other people's Facebook profiles and laugh and judge.  "So and so is such a loser!  Look at her wedding dress, OMG, so ugly!  He got so fat!  I can't believe they named their daughter that!  So and so is now divorced!"  I find it all to be so mean and I am guilty myself of the "Facebook stalk" and the feeling good by comparing myself to others when I am doing better than them.  I have been the mean girl finding great satisfaction is other people's pain and failure.  Karma is a total bitch.  Look at me, I totally fell from grace this year and I had to deal with the pain of knowing that some found great joy and satisfaction in my hardships.  What goes around comes around.  The truth is that I am me, only me, and if I am not mature enough to look at Facebook as a social connecting tool for business and positive life purposes, well then I shouldn't be on it and I'm not.  I don't want to invite negativity into my life, I came too far to allow myself to be the person I never want to be again.

Time for me to come down off of my soapbox!  I wish you all a beautiful, safe, loving, and delicious Tday!  THANK YOU for reading, for commenting, and for offering me daily inspiration! My very best  to you on this wonderful holiday!

Daily Goal

I just woke up and it is early here.  My eating these last few days has been okay.   I have tracked 90 percent, but I have been way over calories each day.  The weather here has been oddly warm and nice, so I have been riding my bike, which is pretty much one of my most favorite things to do.  I went on a 40 mile bike ride yesterday, so the scale will probably be the same this morning, even though I ate way too many mindless snacks before bed.

So, here is the deal.  I am going for baby steps.  My goal today is to simply track everything and exercise.  That's all.  I can do it.  One day at a time.

Excess

This past year, I have made a conscious effort to eat better.  Of course I am still binging.  But, I have decided to eat more naturally.  Real cream, real sugar, real eggs, real soda, real satisfaction.

This was the way I was raised.  I love fruits and veggies.  I feel satisfied when I eat whole foods, but I don't always eat like this.  I want to, but old habits die hard.  Splenda is always around and the yellow packers are so enticing, fro yo stores are abundant, Diet Coke at restaurants sometimes tastes so yummy and refreshing.

So, let me tell you what I have been enjoying lately and in return, I have been binging a ton less, even though this week doesn't truly reflect that....

1. Real Coke.  LOVE me regular Coke.  Nothing beats it.  1 a day.  I would rather have it than any sweet.  1.  I have been drinking a ton of soda water with lemon and lime because I don't always love water, but water with bubbles is fun.  I have my coffee, my 1 Coke, and then tons of soda water.  I have been peeing up a storm.

2.  Real ice cream.  I like me the real stuff.  I was a huge fan of frozen yogurt and then all of a sudden I realized, "why am I eating this....it tastes like chemicals....oh yeah, it's because I don't feel guilty for covering it in candy because I mean, it's YOGURT!"  Yes, I fell into this trap.  I covered chemically tasting yogurt with Snickers, cookie dough, donuts, and hot fudge.  So, I basically would eat 1,000 calories of chemicals and candy when I could have, in theory, enjoyed a huge bowl of REAL ice cream which I love and don't need to cover in candy.  Think about it.  Real ice cream also doesn't have chemicals in it.

3.  Real sugar.  I guess this falls into the real soda category, perhaps, but real sugar has 15 or so calories per teaspoon, so it's really not that big of a deal.  Lately, I have been having my morning coffee with 3 teaspoons of sugar (1 tablespoon, 45 calories) and 2 tablespoons of half and half (40 calories).  It is the best 85 calories I have ALL day and it is so much more satisfying that Splenda and skim milk (gag!).

4.  Real potato chips.  I love the individual bags of Lays potato chips. I can't keep family size bags around the house and I will say baked chips are not fun.  They are okay, but they don't pack the greasy crunch I need.  One of these bags is good for me, if I pair it with some protein (like a turkey sandwich) and a real Coke (1), and then I am TOTALLY satisfied.

5.  Real butter.  I used to be so guilty of spraying the shit out of innocent veggies, bread products, and popcorn with fake butter spray. Hell, the truth hurts.  I used to spray that crap directly into my mouth in my moments of great desperation....it's FULL of chemicals and actually not that good for you.  I just use real butter now, it's not that big of a deal and it's perhaps the most delicious invention EVER.

I started getting this fear lately that fake sugar and chemicals may give me kids with 5 eyes and just a few years ago, I drank 6+ cans of diet soda a day and sprayed my toast with fake butter spray and then sprinkled it with Splenda (Weightwatchers cinnamon toast!), so it is time to cut the chemicals and not grow a tail from all the preservatives.

Eating Update

So, hmmmmm, it has been terrible around here.  Not good, BAD.  But, I am okay with this.  I am awful with transition.  I realize this.  I know what I am doing, so that is actually a step for me.  The brain/hunger connection is actually working.  Whether I decide to listen, well, that is another story.

Today, after my 11:00 am bowl of ice cream, I thought, WTF are you doing?  Seriously!?  Yes, I started new birth control and I have had my period for 1 week, yes, I am tired and overwhelmed from my trip and the fact that I plan to move away from the state I have called off and on for the better part of 20 years home, yes, I have a sore throat and want to put things in my mouth to make me feel better....it's all true.

But, but, well, I am better than this.  I deserve my prettiest dresses back, my not have to try on 100 outfits to find a good one, to know that all my bikinis will look awesome on the southern shores in due time, I know I can do this.  I want to do this.  I want to do this for me, but also, for the man I love.  Not because he gives one shit about any part of my body other than my heart and mind (this is true, he has told me this), but because I want to live a long time for him and our future babies and I have to get healthy now and incorporate great habits now, when I have time to be selfish, so it is the time NOW!

Today, I got on Lose It and started a new account.  I put in my goals and get this, I will get there on my 32nd birthday if I follow the plan....kismet in my mind, kind of like how my life has been these days.  I plan to do this one day at a time and not get myself all overwhelmed.  I have gotten everything I have wanted just by believing in myself, I know I can do this, too.  This time it will be for real.

I also have a bunch of other personal and work goals that need to be worked out before I leave here in 10 months.  I have lots to do, but, I can't wait!  I am putting a big bow on my experience in this city and more than anything on my 20's!  The last year I was really living in a personal self-improvement bubble, so it doesn't exactly count.  I had to come home again to get the support I needed.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  I learned this and I will continue to remember it.

Sweet dreams!

Eating Updates & Issues

Alright.  Not good, still not good.  My hunger monster is out of control.  I also got my monthly gift, so that is perhaps something to be mentioned, but not really an excuse.  I do retain water, but the truth is that I have been eating like absolute shit.  Not good.  Premium ice cream bad.

Today has been a bit better.

I am still exercising whenever I can. 

I do realize that when I do exercise, my eating is a bit better than the days that I don't. I am so ALL or nothing.  I know this and yet, well, I keep making the same silly mistakes.  WHY?  I haven't figured it out yet. 

So, I do have a little something to share.  I am meeting Crush's family soon and I am excited.  This is a necessary step in the entire process.  Family is one of those things.  They just exist and I wouldn't judge someone on their family, but it does play a part.  I didn't really like Awful's family.  I mostly didn't like them because they didn't like me and I could feel it.  I know when I am not wanted.  

I really hope that I am genuinely accepted.  I seem to have this major flaw where I like everyone mostly, I determine how much by how much someone likes me first.  That's why I have always dated the worst people...not because I liked them, really, because they liked me first. Oy. 

Not Good

Alright....coming clean.  This week has been terrible eating-wise.  Seriously, the worst week in a long time.  I returned one week ago from a few heavenly days with Crush and since then, I have been a bottomless pit.  Ice cream, pizza, a hot dog, onion rings, peanut butter, pasta, sour cream and onion chips, brownies, cookie, McDonalds, cheese....so not good in every way.  It's not even that the food is junky, which it is, it's the fact that I don't even want the food.  It's a mindless immediate need to fill this hole, this hunger.  I am not ignoring it this time.  I want to figure this out, I don't want to get swept up in this tidal wave of want again because really, inside, I am actually satisfied.  I had one of the most delicious apples of my life yesterday and I thought to myself, "this apple is really amazing" and then I ate tons of chips afterwards until I almost puked....WHY?

Things I am proud of, I only ate 4 pieces of Halloween candy, that is a plus....but, I did eat half of a bag of chocolate chips...hahahaha.  No, I seriously did.  I should have just had a few more fun size Snickers...weirdo I am.

So, where is this hunger coming from?  It's a really good question and one I am thinking about non-stop.....I think a lot of it has to do with transition as I have mentioned before.  I eat through transitions....college, quarter-life crisis, new relationships, break-ups, fights with friends.  Food has always soothed me, distracted me, offered me an immediate release.  I am not going to let it win again, I have to beat this!!!!!

I am scared.  I feel so lucky that Crush is in my life.  Pinch me good, really.  He is the BEST.  I am a smitten kitten.  I don't think I have ever been in love before now, it makes me a bit sad, actually.  It's so real, it's scary.  I have an awful way of going about things sometimes.  I think way past the situation at hand.  I daydream past the kisses we will have next week when we see each other again and I obsess about weddings and babies and then I panic and then I eat.  I must stay present.  I must stay in the moment.  I am self-sabotaging.  I am getting myself so wrapped up in a fantasy that I am not enjoying the good fortune.  I can see this, so at least that is progress, right?!  I have this fucked up way of dealing with the opposite sex because I have always been called fat by boys, by men.  I love to be told I am beautiful, but I want the outside to not matter at all.  I'm such a hypocrite.  I know I am. I want to be told I am gorgeous, but I want no one to care about how I look.  Fucked up.

When I am told I am attractive, it triggers me to eat.  Yesterday, the old man at my eye doctor told me I was stunning and then I went to McDonalds.  Today, the lanky college guy at Starbucks gave me a grande instead of a tall because he liked my glasses (I complimented his, too) and then I got fro yo with tons of toppings that tasted like chemicals and I didn't like it and I scraped the bottom on the cup nonetheless.  I don't think I am this sex bomb, I think I look happy because I am in love, so I must be giving off a vibe...but, well, compliments trigger me.  Cray cray, I am.  Oy, I must love myself.  I have worked hard to accept all of me and love every inch...every lump and bump and imperfection and then, well, then, I don't treat myself, my soul, nicely.  I am being so hateful to myself, the person I need to love up 24-7.

In an effort to not regain my weight loss, tomorrow, I am back to tracking, I know it is the way I can be accountable.  I am also going to learn how to just accept a compliment.  The truth is that I love to give a compliment and I mean every single one I give.

It's time for me to be able to accept one.