Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Nervous Flutter

I have really terrible anxiety.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot manage it alone.  My best years I was on anxiety medicine and I stopped taking it because people (Mom and Awful Ex, both who may benefit from meds) judged me for needing them.  Yes, I care about what people think and let their words determine my actions....what is wrong with me?!

As Day 1.5 of binge-free me continues, I just had a very huge realization.  I have been using food since I went off the anxiety medicine to cope.  I have been using food to pull me through the darkness.  Food has been my light and then I gain weight and then I get sad and mad and raw and I am trapped in this very bad cycle of self-hate.

I am seriously shaking here while I type.  I am trying to avoid the kitchen and actually work which is hard sometimes because work can overwhelm me and give me more anxiety....

But, I picked up the phone a bit ago and I called my doctor and I scheduled an appointment.  I need to stabilize myself.  I need to be able to leave the bed.  I need to not stuff crackers in my mouth in the same fashion that Cookie Monster eats cookies (only I swallow my carbs and Cookie's fall to the floor....I would be so much thinner if I didn't ingest....).

I am having some clarity and it feels good.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......