I have really terrible anxiety. I am coming to terms with the fact that I cannot manage it alone. My best years I was on anxiety medicine and I stopped taking it because people (Mom and Awful Ex, both who may benefit from meds) judged me for needing them. Yes, I care about what people think and let their words determine my actions....what is wrong with me?!
As Day 1.5 of binge-free me continues, I just had a very huge realization. I have been using food since I went off the anxiety medicine to cope. I have been using food to pull me through the darkness. Food has been my light and then I gain weight and then I get sad and mad and raw and I am trapped in this very bad cycle of self-hate.
I am seriously shaking here while I type. I am trying to avoid the kitchen and actually work which is hard sometimes because work can overwhelm me and give me more anxiety....
But, I picked up the phone a bit ago and I called my doctor and I scheduled an appointment. I need to stabilize myself. I need to be able to leave the bed. I need to not stuff crackers in my mouth in the same fashion that Cookie Monster eats cookies (only I swallow my carbs and Cookie's fall to the floor....I would be so much thinner if I didn't ingest....).
I am having some clarity and it feels good.