Wednesday, June 26, 2013

My Favorite Summer Smoothie

I have been a smoothie queen these days. Cold, refreshing, creamy....and it helps me get my skim milk and fruit in!

Lately, I have been experimenting with a smoothie recipe almost every single day and I just wanted to share my favorite as it is super simple and really delicious and satisfying.

My secret these days: fresh frozen fruit and vanilla syrup (like what they use in a coffee shop, you can get regular or sugar-free).

When my fresh fruit is getting really ripe, I simply cut it up (or peel for a banana) and place it in a Ziploc bag and throw it in the freezer.   Anything works: bananas, peaches, nectarines, raspberries, and strawberries are my favorites lately, but that's just me!

Here is the best recipe ever:

  • 1 cup skim milk
  • 1 frozen peach or nectarine (cut before freezing)
  • 1 frozen banana (peel and cut before freezing)
  • 5 frozen strawberries (cut before freezing)
  • 4 Ice Cubs


1.  Dump it all in the blender.

2.  Blend it on high until ice is blended.

3.  Blend on low for 30 seconds after ice is blended to help the smoothie get nice and thick. 

4.  Enjoy!  If the smoothie is a bit too thick for you, just ask a splash more milk.

Hope you love it! 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Things Are Not Always How I Think They Are...

I learned a really big lesson this past week.

I need to trust.

I need to trust myself, my family, my friends, and food.

I need to trust that food is not my worst enemy.

This past week was my first week on WeightWatchers for the 6th official time.

I followed the program 6 our of 7 days, I went to the gym 4 times, and I binged, too....

I binged all day on Saturday, but mostly on healthy things....but, still, it was emotional and mindless eating done in a frenzied and manic way.

I moped around all day on Sunday.  Felt so blah.  Blamed everyone (mostly Crush) for my stress and then spent a long time at the gym watching Shallow Hal on the elliptical (it was on Fox Family) and realized a lot of messages from that stupid silly movie.

Yes, Shallow Hal reminded me that it is what is on the inside that counts.  Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.

I tossed and turned all Sunday night in a state of despair.  Should I weigh in on Monday or not?  Because I thought for sure I was way up in the pounds department and last Monday when I reported in, I discovered that I was 10 pounds heavier than the last time I attempted WeightWatchers mere months ago.  I didn't want to face being perhaps 15 pounds heavier this week.  Could I take it?  I love having a bit of a pity party for myself these days.....

But, I thought.....well, Rome wasn't built in a day and I promised myself last week at WW, that I would mentally commit to the program for 1 year.  That's all.  I will ride this out for 1 year.  The downs, the ups, the sames...I will at least try.

Last week my awesome WW leader shared something that a member told her upon her 10th time attempting to lose weight with WW and FINALLY doing it:

"I lost 60 pounds because I stopped trying to fight the plan.  I stopped trying to make excuses for something not working because I didn't want it to work.  I let myself go along with what I signed up to do and all of a sudden it worked."

So, I did something I hate doing before a weigh-in.  I peaked at the scale on Monday morning at the gym before I went to my meeting.  I wanted to prepare myself if their was a huge gain.  Because I didn't want to cry.  But, I didn't want to skip out because I binged.  I wanted to face the scale.


I was down 5.4 pounds.

That is right.  5.4 pounds gone.

I got on and off the scale 10 times.  Just to check.

And when I got on the scale 45 minutes later at WeightWatchers for my official weigh-in, I was still down 5.4 pounds.

The lesson:

I sometimes do not see my own reality.  Because I have failed sometimes, I set myself up to fail always.  I do not always believe I am capable, so then I become incapable.  The fear is in my mind. 

Overall, I did well at WeightWatchers regardless of the loss because I tracked 6 out of 7 days and that is WAY better than normal procedure for me.

I am feeling ready to do this.

1 day at a time.

Friday, June 21, 2013

What's In A Name?

I have been anxiously awaiting Kim K. and Kanye's baby name announcement.....because I am cool like that.  Smartie Best Friend and I made guesses over text a few weeks ago and let me tell you, we weren't that far of the map.

It has been reported...and I say reported because we all know those krazy Kardashians like to milk their "news" for every last cent, so things can be subject to change for baby if the story sells and IT WILL SELL...

Let us say hello to their newest bundle of joy...

Baby North West......


A litte part of me died there.

I know celebs....being above us common folks and all (eye roll) have the "power" and influence to name their kids whatever they want: Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Moonunit, and Diva Thin Muffin (for reals, for reals....)

I have been dreaming up my baby names for the last 10 years.....I know, I know.  But, I am not the gal who knows her wedding colors, but I do know my baby names....I really like to put my own cart WAY in front of my horse.

My baby names have changed over the years and with each relationship I have had. At this time, if Crush and I make it to babies...well, my names will be traditional and southern and I know people will hear them and they will scrunch up their noses and say, "really?" perhaps, and I am cool with that.

Southern names are just different.....I remember laughing at some of Smartie Best Friend's childhood pals names because they were SO SOUTHERN and now, well, it is just par for the course for me these days.

Different regions, religions, family traditions, and preference all shape the baby name.  Sometimes I will hear a name that a family member or friend names their little blessing and I will be surprised initially, but the name always grows on me because I feel that a good person makes a good name.

Sometimes, I know this is a familiar thing.....if you dislike someone, regardless of your opinion on the name, you will start disliking the name, too. It is natural.

So, North West....well, perhaps they will come up with a little nickname like "Nori, Nonnie, or NWow.  

Time will tell there and I am sure North will be welcome to play with Audio Science.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The End of An E(x)ra

I wanted to say farewell to the idea of my Awful Ex.

This is the last post I will ever post about him.

The future is ahead of me and the past is now in the past.

I don't know if it was simply seeing his circular form from afar for the third time in a year (I mean, in this BIG HUGE city I live in...what are the chances!?) or because I can taste my move coming now.....but, it is time.  I have been blogging here for nearly a year (time flies!) and Awful and I officially broke up in November 2011 and had our last true correspondence in July of 2012......time to let GO GO GO GO!

So, here it goes.

The pain in my heart no longer resides.  The anger and fear and hostility I have for him is no longer pulsating through my veins.  Peace has set in.

I don't like him as a person because I don't think he is truly good.  He was a terrible boyfriend to me.  A liar.  Manipulative.  Abusive.  AWFUL.

But, I cannot be a victim.  I allowed myself to be treated poorly and sometimes I lashed out.  I saw signs and decided to stay.  I turned a blind eye to things that I should never have....him not coming home some nights, calling my rolly tummy the "stormy sea..", telling me he would pay to lob off my belly and then me taking him up on it....not because I really wanted it....because I wanted him to pay for saying such hurtful things to me.  His indifference to marriage and children and commitment.  He was over 35 the entire time we dated and yet he was so childlike.  A teenage boy lost at sea in his little wooden boat...obsessed with popularity, friends, and parties......

And yes, there are parts of him that aren't so bad.  There are 3 sides to every story as they say....Besides his generosity to bribe people to be his friend, he is intelligent and a good son, a good brother, and a good uncle.  He is also a good friend to a few people, a REALLY GOOD ONE.  Dependable, kind, and patient.  He is also VERY smart.  He is a schlub, but not totally....I mean I did date him for over 2 years....

So why did I hold on so long?

This has been something I have been rolling around in my mind for a while in preparation of this post.

And I struggled with the answer over and over again and the truth is....

Well, I wanted my hatred for him to give me strength.

The strength to move on, to prove him wrong, and to lose weight.

And in many ways, I am still here.  I am moving and I have moved on, but I am actually heavier than I was when we broke hate is not my secret weigh loss recipe anymore.

Just because it worked before when I heard a boy I thought was a friend call me fat in college and then I lost 40 pounds from WeightWatchers  starvation and sheer isn't enough anymore and I find comfort in that.

I wanted to believe that my hatred for Awful would help me lose weight and it didn't at all.

Huge realization here.

Who wants to go through life angry, vindictive, and looking to prove someone wrong?

Not me.

Well, not me anymore.

And, I am not a total hypocrite because I am currently working on letting my distain for a few former clients go too, but that is still too raw to really process presently.

My clairvoyant did say that Awful would die young from a terrible and fatal accident (she specifically saw either a boating or motorcycle related one....which I used to have nightmares about last summer....) and I will admit that I don't wish that upon him, but if it happened, I wouldn't be surprised because he is reckless...drunk, risky, and fancy free.  As my Mom says, "Awful was always knee deep in his cups and drowning..." Her dislike for him grew immensely when he convinced my 5 months pregnant sister to go for a relaxing 10 minute boat cruise (you cannot argue with Awful about his is his way or the highway there..!) and got us stuck for hours in a huge body of water without food.  And the entire time he was convincing Sissy....I knew in my would be a disaster because everything with him often was!  After that sister referred to him as "The Drunk Flailing Boat Troll" and as mean as it was....she was afraid that Big Baby was going to be born on the boat as 4 months to safety did seem like a realistic escape plan as he was always helpless when tragedy set in.

So, it is the end of my era with Awful Ex.  He will be the man we giggle about 10 years from now, while we get together for holiday suppers or weekend reunions with friends.....

And ask....

"What do you think ever happened to Kevin?"

(Yes, I went for a very cheesy and Sex and the City name drop reveal....!)


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Motorcycles, Migraines, and Mania


Third time is a charm, indeed!  I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles.  He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him.  He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?! will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him.  Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.

He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts,  and his boat shoes.  Basically, his summer uniform.  I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.

 So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared.  Yes.  I open mouth stared.  I have no idea what came over me.  We locked eyes.  And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!  

I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him.  He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes.  But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!

When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings.  Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common.  We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps.  I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him?  Yes.  But, do I feel a new sense of closure.  Yes.

Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.


I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night.  Right behind my eyes.  I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up.  It is stress related.  I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.


Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  Major blowouts.  I shouldn't engage with him, but I do.  He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."


Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?

You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage.  Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!

Oy, oy, oy.

I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions.  He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's), champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him.  Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:

"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live.  You snooze, you lose.  I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live.  I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February.  I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."

I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME.  And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...

Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Broken Record

Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Record scratch.  I know that actions speak louder than words and I have had a lot of words on this blog about weight loss and VERY LITTLE ACTION.

I am the first to admit it.....and it sucks.

You know what I have been avoiding lately.....oh yes, that little  big number on the weight.

My friends, it isn't pretty.

My weight and weight loss in general comes in waves for me.  The reality is that often I am simply not ready to do it.  I have so many other emotional struggles I am dealing with, like sometimes, just getting out of bed, that I let myself use and abuse food for comfort and then the scale goes to places that it has never been before.  Like this morning. Terrifying.  Must break the cycle.

When before I mused about losing 30 pounds, I am now staring down 40-45 pounds and I am okay with this.  I have been working out, going to therapy, staying active, and not stressing about clothes not fitting all that much.

I have allowed myself to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have wanted these past 2 shouldn't be a surprise to me and it isn't.  I have not deprived myself of anything or everything.

This past month, in the midst of a binge or a really big meal that lasts ALL day, the little voice in my head is actually telling me to stop.  Progress.  I may be reaching for the midnight granola bars, but I don't want them.  It is just my pattern, my routine.  My security blanket.  But, my mind is actually wanting to stop the cycle.  I feel some power over my decisions which is empowering.

Yesterday, for Father's Day, my Daddy and I went on a 40 mile bike ride.  We rode on one of my favorite trails which is dirt and (thus harder to ride on than pavement) weaved in and by deeply shaded forests, open prairies, nature conservatories, little river bridges, and lily pad ponds.  It is my absolute dream place to ride and my Dad is awesome company.  Halfway through we stopped for lunch and I thought to myself, make a healthy choice because your body deserves it and I did and I didn't want the 20 miles on the way back to come to an end.  I was enjoying the feeling of trusting my body and knowing what it could do.  Even if I am 40 pounds overweight, I can still rock a 14 mile per hour pace on a heavy bike on a dirt trail and even bigger props to my almost 65 year old Daddy who is in incredible shape and often sets the pace for me!

Typically, in the midst of a grueling working....I repeat (this is embarrassing, but no secrets here), "bikini, bikini, bikini" and I imagine myself on the beach with Crush feeling so sexy and secure in my newest classic J.Crew black bikini that I cannot even wear in public now....but yesterday I chanted, "mind, body, and soul" over and over again on the steep hill climbs and it made me ride faster than ever before.

So....last night, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and thought about my body, my weight.  Not the beautiful size 10 dresses, not the bikinis with tags still on them, not the future wedding dress I may be purchasing in the next year or so.....I thought about my body.  I thought about the abuse I have been doing to this vessel that I am lucky enough to live in.  I thought about how kind my body has been to me this year.  How I can still ride 40 miles,  I can still rock a spinning class, that Bar Method is a work in progress, but I can keep up.  I thought about the feeling of freedom I have cruising on my bike through shoulder high sunflowers and I realized....the time is now.

Not for vanity, not for Crush, not to show Awful that I did it and look AMAZING.....but my body, myself, I deserve better.  I haven't been nice to her for a long time.....the Cheetos, pizza, and ice cream will always be there and will still be enjoyed, I am not about deprivation....but the mindless, emotional eating that gets me nowhere.....well, I am dealing with it in therapy and I see a change to my mindset......yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!

So, this morning, I am off to a WeightWatchers meeting.  One where I will weigh in, attend the entire meeting, and take it seriously.  Like I should.  I plan to do so for the next 12 weeks until I move to the South and than continue down there and also continue with a new therapist that my current one recommended for me. A goal of mine has always been to be a WeightWatchers leader and I would love to accomplish it....especially because down South it seems like a more attainable goal.  There are less meetings, which means that new leaders equal more times for people to come meet. Since I am not traveling at all this summer for pleasure, it is a good time to establish some routine.

I will let you know how it goes as it rolls and just like how one morning, I was ready to date again....this morning, I am ready to help my body be the healthiest she can be.

A new mindset may just bring new results.

Happy Monday!!!!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Bossy Pants

Happy Friday out there!

I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired.  A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!

But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working bossiness.

Yes, I am bossy.

I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader.  I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.

I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing clicked....I AM BOSSY!  I always sorta knew it.

Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)

So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!

I KNOW I KNOW.  What is wrong with me?

I guess, I just need to feel control.  There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him.  I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go.  I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.

I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it.  I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.

And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience.  Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....

I am over Awful.  I never really loved him.  I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure.  But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!

While I was away last week down parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice.  My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above."  Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring.  Funny and sad all at the life sometimes is.

I have to admit something.  I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday.  I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same.  On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally.  I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful.  And these pounds are still on me.  And until they drop off, the past is, too.  It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes.  I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"

And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful.  I learned a lot.  Reflection and hindsight is cleansing.  But, I don't think we had the best closure.  I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future.  I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!

Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness.  Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal.  Too literal.

My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG.  From the mouth of moms!

So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants.  It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......

As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......

"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand.  You need that."

And she is right (duh!).  I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same we just need to be in the same city permanently.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Birth OUT OF Control

I went off my birth control pills 2 weeks ago.


I have been on and off birth control since I was 18 years old.

I have never felt quite right on it.

After Awful and I broke up and I made my pilgrimage home, I went off of it and in a few months, I did feel a bit better, but I didn't connect it.  I was simply in a better place for me emotionally, so everything felt better, birth control or not.

In October, when things started to get serious with Crush, I went back on it.

This time, the change was very clear to me.  I felt like every little thing was setting me off.  My emotions were ALL over the place.  I was picking fights with Crush on a daily basis.  He kept asking me, "is everything alright?" and it was and it wasn't all at the same time.

The birth control elevated my anxiety and I also put on some new pounds...but I am not sure that it was directly related as I was binging a lot and often...but, I was feeling very hungry.  I felt super tired.  I felt like I was viewing life from behind a veil.

A few months ago, Smartie Best Friend mentioned that when she was on birth control, everything upset her and she just didn't feel like herself on it.


I called my doctor and she explained that sometimes, it takes a few different tries on several different types of birth control to see what works best.  I knew this and didn't feel like taking any for a while, so I ended my pill pack and now I am taking a BC vacay.  I am not seeing Crush until August and condoms are fine for now.....I am so stressed out with everything going on, I don't have any lusty feelings in me anyway.

I think my body just doesn't deal with hormones well.

Anyone else feel this way?

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

It Is The People That Make The Party! An Answer To A Really Good Question.

I believe that people make or break a party.

You can spend $100 or a $1,000,000, but without good people who are there for the right does not matter how much you spend.  A get together of any kind depends on the people there.  Great people make for great times.

After I posted last night, I received a heartfelt comment asking me this....:

What is stopping you from being the lady you always wanted to be in your heart now as opposed to when you move?

The answer is simply the people.

I know it seems too easy.  I know it seems like I am passing blame....I know I seem weak that I cannot overcome my past.  Some may think I am escaping.  Fleeing a place that I can't survive in.  I get all this.  I really do.  Some people are less influenced by public opinion.  This is something I am working on.

I am going to tell you a little story that I touched on briefly months ago when I posted about Bitch and Snake.  I consider it now a pivotal situation that shaped my life and my honesty.  The story connects very much to how people where I live handle the truth and how I came to choose lies to avoid backlash until rather recently.

Here we go!

My Mom has 2 brothers.  Both Ivy League, both geniuses in their own way.  1 a doctor and 1 a lawyer.  These brothers are close in age (2.5 years apart whereas my mom is 6 years younger than the middle brother) and were always in competition.  My Mom was exempt from this.  As the baby, as the only daughter, and since she has a slight physical disability...well, she was coddled and favored and not put into the severe pressure cooker that her brothers had to endure.

My Mom's oldest brother (and my favorite uncle) is a real success story.  He is just beyond words.  Hugely successful and admired in his field.  He is simply awe inducing.  I cannot believe that he is my Mom's brother sometimes...that they actually came from the same parents, he is just so intelligent and a phenomenal person.

My mom's middle brother....well, he is a genius, too.  But, different.  He struggled with mental illness, specifically depression and bipolar disorder most of his life.  But, he still accomplished so much.  He went to Harvard Law School.  He graduated top of his class.  He was a law partner at 1 of the most prestigious firms in Manhattan by age 35.  He was nothing to scoff at.  But, during his success, he tried to commit suicide several times.  He married and divorced the love of his life.  He got into cocaine.  He moved to a smaller place and started his own very successful private practice.  He married again.  He had 2 children.  He fell into another bout of depression and tried to kill himself.........he filed for bankruptcy....he hit absolute rock bottom.

And when he had no where to go and no one to turn to, he came to my Mom.  His baby sister.  He ended up living in my parents' basement when I was 14.  He lived with us for 2 full years.

I was born in New York.  My parents are New Yorkers.  Born and bred.  They didn't move to the Midwest until they were in their 40's.  New Yorkers own their shit.  They talk shit, too.  Yes, there are exceptions to my theory, but mostly the truth is the truth out there.  I was raised, like my parents were, to tell the truth.

When we moved out here, I remember people were always in disbelief of what I was saying.  Not that I was crude, just that I was open.  Open about my thoughts, my feelings, and my body.  I remember getting the message that this wasn't right.  That is wasn't socially acceptable to share what I did and I was always super confused as to why....why was the truth now bad if it was always okay and accepted before?

So, my uncle was living in my basement and my Mom was a bit confused about how to proceed.  She, like me, had made new friends who showed her that being honest wasn't always the best way to be if you lived here.  She was always very conflicted and would regularly share that people were "talking bad about her and she had no idea why", but unlike me, she really didn't care much and went about her life confidently.  My Mom is extremely confidant.  I remember her asking me "if we should tell people that my uncle had a nervous breakdown?" and I agreed that it was nothing to me ashamed of.  People do have nervous breakdowns sometimes, great people.  Geniuses.  But, my mom did tell me "that some people here (Midwest) don't like the truth and I don't want you to be brought into this."  It was like she knew that this situation may not be acceptable.  She felt it.

1 day, Bitch's mom called up my Mom to ask about my uncle.  I had been at Bitch's after school and I had asked to use the computer at her house to print something and mentioned that "I hadn't been in my basement for a while because my uncle was down there" and it piqued Momma Bitch's interest.

Blood in the water.

My Mom didn't spin the story when asked.  She shared everything.  The suicide attempts, the cocaine, the failed marriages, the bankruptcy.  Now, I know that I would have done the same thing as her.  But, even a few months ago, I wouldn't have.  My mom owns her shit.  She is awesome this way.

The next day, I went to school and I felt new stares in the hallways.  People were treating me differently.  At lunch, when I asked what the hell was going on to my "friends", Bitch replied...."My mom told me that your uncle is poor and crazy and sponging off your parents.  How pathetic.  She also said that your mom said that mental illness runs in your family, so now it all makes sense.  You are crazy."

Ahhhh.....I was now known as a crazy person at high school because my mom told the truth.

You see how this little tale got spun?  Because of the people.

That year, I got dumped by my friends, I didn't get asked to any dances, and I worked really hard to remove the crazy stigma (ironic now that I suffer from depression).  I made new friends from other schools and came back better for it, only to fall for the same tricks again.  I was dumped again my senior year for being crazy......and I think some of my depression does come from the idea that other people think I am crazy.  I cannot believe I just admitted that, but it is true...I endured bullying.  Lots of it.  But, this was before Facebook and all that.  Sometimes I think that if I lived now as a teenage in my old high school with all of the social media...well, I would have killed myself from the nonstop bullying.  At least when I was younger, the bullying existed mostly at school and from being left out, but my emotions were manageable. I could escape the tourture in the hours I didn't have to be at school.

Down South, ...people own their lives. Again a general statement and I am sure exceptions apply here, too.

SIDENOTE: Please know that I share my personal experiences and I try to tow the line with over-generalizing, but I will say things are simply passive-aggressive where I am for me, in my town.  I don't want to debate it that much as I know that everyone has their own life experience and the story I am telling is my own.

In the South, some things may be said sweetly, but real life is real.  1 of the reasons my parents got on famously with Crush's was because neither set has secrets.  My Mom openly shared her brother's issues, my Dad openly shared his struggles with my Grandmother and his sister, Crush's parents shared personal things that no one in my area would ever openly claim.  And they did so without spinning it.  Just the truth.  A few moments on each subject.  No whispers. No judgement.  Accept reality and move on.

My parents couldn't believe that during the trip when we ran into Crush's parents friends and something came up, everyone answered candidly, even in front of my folks....this would NEVER happen in my see here, private information leaks from a trusted source.  A person tells someone they trust, like my Mom to Bitch's mom and then stories get passed along and shared, but because people are embarrassed to share their truth in public here, there is no control over what gets out.

Here is an example of a real exchange down South that I heard over the weekend:

Crush's mom when seeing an old friend: "How is Dean?  Is he enjoying life as a newlywed?"

Old Friend: "Darling...didn't you hear?  He is already getting divorced!  Love is a complicated thing.  But, there were no babies yet, so he will be okay.  He learned a lot.  Does Ready and Fading have a single sister?"

If this was in my neighborhood, this is how it would have likely gone:

My Mom when seeing an old friend: "How is Dean?  Is he enjoying life as a newlywed?"

Old Friend: "Of course (even if the divorce proceeding were already occurring)!  He is so happy and we are so happy and we are just praying for grand babies.  How are you?  How are things?  How are the girls? (SUBJECT CHANGE)."

Then my Mom would find out a few weeks later than Dean was getting divorced and her feelings would be hurt that her old friend didn't tell her, but she would be forced to understand that the lie was to "save face" and done in "protection."

Aren't you all confused?

I am!!!

So, to sum this all up.....when I moved home less than 2 years ago, I didn't realize how much pain and emotional distress coming home to a place with the people I avoided for over 12 years would bother me.  I thought that I would be safe.  I thought people would understand the distress I was enduring.  No one did.  No one cared.  I didn't want sympathy, I wanted understanding.  I hide out because it is easier for me than it is to face the reality that my life is not what other people here think it should be.  I am okay with this.  I am weak here and I know it.  It is an issue that I am trying to work through in therapy and something I have been dealing with for 2/3s of my life.  It ain't pretty, but it is mine.

I am excited to start over and to be given the opportunity to wipe my slate clean.  To be the honest, open, free person I have always wanted to be in a place that accepts this type of behavior.

You see, down South, "crazy people" are simply "characters" and everyone loves a character!

The people here, are not privy to my party.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Memories In The Making.....The Parents Meet!

The trip was a total success.  Better than I imagined.  I am floating on a cloud…….and… a very traditional Southern turn of events, I have been somewhat lavaliered.  Yes, lavaliered….

Not is the Greek system sense as it doesn’t have any fraternity ties, but, Crush gave me his prep school class ring today after lunch with a grand speech about how it is traditional to give a class ring from his particular school before an engagement ring and he wants me to know that he is starting the process.  He chose to tell me this in the midst of a 3 mile walk around town in the middle of the day when it was 92 degrees and 100 percent humidity.  I was also wearing jeans and needing a cold drink badly and we were on our way to get 1 for me.  I was so confused as to what was exactly going on (was he about to propose!?) that I nearly fainted!

Not yet, but we are getting closer.  Almost to Phase 2 we are…..he told me that I should wear the ring on my left hand ring finger to “warm it up” for the next couple months.  Swoon. 

Also, I have huge fingers for a lady and he mentioned that he can’t wear the class ring on any of his fingers anymore (he was a LATE bloomer and grew about 8 inches during college), but it fits my left hand ring finger perfectly.  Again, I am not at all surprised because things with us always seem to be this way, but still…what are the chances?

Crush told me he will be coming back out to the Midwest 1 more time to “talk to my Daddy” this summer and that his Momma and he are beginning to work on picking out my ring……In an odd turn of events, my Mom’s ring and his Momma's are exactly the same setting, just with a different shaped  diamond!   Crush's Momma has phenomenal taste and I admire her fashion sense, poise, and kindness.  I am VERY happy that she will be involved in the process.  I think it is super sweet and a huge compliment that she wants to help him with the ring. 

I am NOT just excited about a ring (which I am), but to spend my life in a place I LOVE with a man I LOVE.  I truly believe that Crush is the ONLY man for me and this trip out gave me tons of confidence that my future will be bright.  Better than I ever dreamed.  I can’t wait to be the lady I have always been in my heart.  To emerge from my cocoon.

So….the parents meeting….well….it was JUST PERFECT!!! Everyone got on like a house on fire and the folks just clicked.  The weekend went by in a flash!  2 suppers with his folks, 1 show with his folks, 1 concert with his folks, 1 lunch with his lovely Grandmomma, 1 trip to the beach, 1 trip to Crush’s home town and many many many sites in between….sunsets, singing, fried chicken, white wine, champagne toasts, and ice cream cones.  HEAVEN.  I also worked out everyday I was there which is a huge accomplishment in itself....I just feel SO good in the South! Everything is easier for me. 

My folks just like me, felt right at home.  There is simply nothing like Southern hospitality.  Common courtesy, patience, social grace and manners, and best of all, everyone is super friendly! 

I am sorry to say, but my current city is just missing it all…..and it may just be me, but I personally feel that here, I lose a little faith in humanity day by day.  The mean girls.  The backstabbing.  The crime.  The violence.  The racial tension.  The road rage. The political corruption.

And I know that in my future state, things are not perfect.  Perfection doesn’t exist, but the simple acknowledgement of life does.  Pregnant ladies (all ladies as a matter of fact!) are offered seats, doors are held open, people who know each other…even just a little bit, actually stop to say “hello” and do not pretend to not see one each other (I am guilty of this in my city as I feel like it is just the way to conduct myself socially), store clerks and servers smile, exchange pleasantries, and make eye contact.  It is so refreshing.  I hope it never changes.  I LOVE IT!

It makes me feel like I have purpose, the friendliness….that the world cares about the people in it.  I feel at peace and it brings out the best in me.  I smile and wave and chat and hug and compliment and walk with my head held high.  I stand up straight and make healthy choices for my mind and body. 

When I am down South, my anxiety is minimal, my confidence is sky-high, and my need to binge eat is non-existent.  It is such a huge indication of how environment is a major trigger for me.  If I do not like where I am, it is hard for me to be myself.  It is shocking that my location has such a great influence on my feeling of self-worth.  But at 32 years old, I still have so much life left ahead of me (let's hope!!!).  I know when I move, I will not only let go of the past things that have hurt me, I will celebrate how far I have come in order to get to a peaceful place for me. 

Just like how I sent my “Husband List” out to sea last June to my grandfather, I plan to send a letter out to the universe to all of the people that have hurt me in September when I move.  I plan to list why they hurt me, what I could have done better, and what I have learned.  I will send it out at my happiest place on Earth (Crush’s beach house) and then it will all be in the past and given to the powers above, if you will.  I do believe that forgiveness is necessary for progress and I want to be the best and brightest I can be for me.

This weekend I learned more about Crush’s past, present, and future.  His family is so utterly fascinating.  Trend-setters.  Barrier breakers.  Entrepreneurs.   Charitable beyond comprehension.  I know why he kept so much a secret.  I would have, too…..I understand it all now.  History.  I am encouraging him to write a book.  He has a story to tell. He is truly one of a kind and a product of his environment.  I say this now as only a compliment.

The future holds so much good.  The present is being wrapped up now.  I love and care for my clients dearly and I will DO WHATEVER I CAN to make everything the absolute best it can be.

I want to leave on a high note, especially since I have heard terrible rumors and lies about me.  It is time to prove myself to myself….my final swan song in a place I cannot wait to not call home.

The past will finally be in the past and my future is so clear and near, I can taste it.  

Live life now, but dream big. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

A New Year (Yes, You Get To Do It Twice....New Year's and Your Birthday!)

I am officially 32.  Yay!  I actually feel REALLY awesome about this.  I am cool with getting older as every year I turn, I get a bit wiser.

31 in review.....

Well, to sum it up, it was truly the very worst and the very best year of my life.  Trite, I know....I got knocked down harder and faster than I ever expected, I faced some of my biggest fears (I am no longer afraid of the dark!), failed multiple times, and met the man I am pretty sure I will marry.

31 gave me hope.  The knowledge that the future holds promise, that I don't have to stay somewhere that isn't giving me what I need, that love does not know just 1 city in the United States, or maybe even in the world.  31 taught me that some people are just mean, that people either LOVE or HATE me (I already kinda knew this), and that beaches, fried chicken, the smell of honeysuckle blowing in the breeze, and moonlight kisses are all really actually underrated....yes, they are just THAT good!  31 showed me that from every failure comes first acceptance and then the big lesson, that real friends may be few and far between, but they remember to call you on your birthday (THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!  I WAS WORKING AND YES THIS IS A BIG DEAL AS I AM NOT ON FACEBOOK, SO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO REMEMBER THE DATE!), and that karma is a bitch, a real bitch and for some reason, even if I do eat crow sometimes, someone is on my side up there and I seem to be getting the last laugh time and time again......feels good as when I think bad thoughts about people, I am always conflicted as I don't want them to wish badness on me and I then feel guilty because I shouldn't be worrying about other people, anyway......

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but thank you all again for reading and commenting.  I am so grateful to have a little forum to share and express myself.  I know that we can all relate to one another and it is very comforting.

I decided last Friday that I must begin therapy again, this time to really focus on my binge eating disorder and not just my anxiety and depression.  I believe that for me, food is this dangerous little coping mechanism that gets in the way and then exacerbates my anxiety and depression.  I am actually excited about discussing this in therapy and I am going to see a specialist who deals with compulsive/binge eating, specifically, so I hope to learn some great strategies to keep me from eating my way into hiding.  I have struggled with this in some aspect since I was in elementary school (eating my feelings), but I didn't realize the hold it actually had on my life until 3 or so years ago when I was actively binge eating every single day in the midst of deciding whether or not I should leave Awful...

Since then, I have gained almost 40 pounds and I have been binging several times a week even with my best intentions.  Not glamorous.  I know that when I break free of my environment, I will feel immediate relief and it is possible that my eating will stabilize again, but what about every other transition I will face in my life?  My default is now food.  It always was before alcohol took it's place halfway through college and then when I stopped drinking so much 3 years ago (AWFUL HATED THIS..even though I stopped because my drunk temper could get out of control and I once hit that little clown while drunk and that freaked me out so badly that I knew it was time to reach an active limit with the booze which was actually super easy for me...) the food obsession picked up again.  I fear I will turn to food time and time again if I do not get help.

Now is the perfect time for treatment.

It was only 1 year ago that I realized that what I share with food, this extreme imbalance of love and loathing was actually a real disorder.  Something that I can get help for.  Something that I do not have to be so super ashamed of.  I will let you know how it goes.  I plan on going once a week until I move and then I will continue therapy there as needed.  I know it is what is best for me and we are all a work in progress, right?!

I would like to lose the 40 pounds I put on these last few years and then I plan to stop.  I am not meant to be skinny and it is a goal that I no longer of the many reasons that I am not super motivated these days like I once was. Vanity no longer fuels my restrictive periods.  Thin is awesome, but, truthfully it hasn't ever super duper improved my life any way and now that I am not out on the hunt at a club at 3:00 am looking for sex......I really just want to fit back in my awesome pretty clothes that are all size when I get to size 10, I will be pumped!

 I just want to be healthy.

If someone called me fat these days, the most dreaded word to me and one I ran in fear from for years and years and years....I wouldn't bat an eyelash.  It is just an adjective and yes, it is true, I am a little fat right now.  I am still pretty (this is a work in progress, being confidant, but I believe I am..on the inside, mostly), kind, funny, sensitive, caring, loud, tall, have long brown hair, have brown eyes.....and yes, I am fat, too.  I just owned it, so no one else can because even if I don't look like I do....I weigh over 200 pounds right now and I feel tired, sluggish, and uncomfortable in my skin these days and it is because I binge eat too much.  Reality sucks, sometimes.

Lots to share this week and I will do so before I leave for a little trip this weekend....duh duh dummmmmmmmm.....where my folks and Mister Crush's meet for the very first time.  GET EXCITED.

Happy Monday!!!!