I'm Back & 10 Things Including Some Big Reveals

I have been working tons for the last few weeks.  I just finished my last work obligation here for a long while and I feel such relief.  Sigh.  I can breathe.  I did a great job and I am proud of myself.  I proved to myself that I could.  I am the kind of person that always comes through when I am given the chance.  But, when someone doubts me, I start to doubt myself and then I can spiral into a very bad place.  My mom asked me last night, "why do you need your clients to love you?" and it made me think.  I don't anymore.  In the last few months, I realized that I cannot control the drama and emotional turmoil surrounding my job when it comes to a client's particular relationship with their family.  Often, when I get blamed for things it is because of dysfunctional family relationships.  I have started to step back from things ever so slightly and the results have been positive.  The less I become invested in shit that isn't my business, the better.

Now, for a list of some updates including some big reveals about me:

1.  I move in 10 days.  I am beginning to pack today.

2. I have been doing really well using a calorie tracker.  It is helping me with my hunger cues and knowing when I should stop eating if I do not want to gain weight.  Most of my past eating was mindless and emotional, so becoming a bit more familiar with the science behind calories in and calories out actually comforts me (WeightWatchers was the only way I ever lost weight before and I never learned calories, only Points).  I feel in control with food for the first time in over 3 years.

3.  Big Baby turns three in 2 weeks.  I cannot believe how fast time goes.  Crush and I are planning to head up to visit Sissy and the family at the beginning of October, more to come on that below.

4.  Crush is taking me to NYC to pick out my engagement ring.  It is the real reason why we are heading up to see Sissy, but family trumps material things, so the visit comes first.  He is familiar with a jeweler there and since he knows I am particular (I will admit, spoiled and obnoxious about this certain thing) he told me that he wants me to love whatever he gets me, so I can chose it.  Also, he likes the idea of buying my ring in the city I was born in.  I was born in Manhattan and lived on the East Coast for the first third of my life.

5.  There was a very famous band at the wedding I planned this weekend.  Oh yes, if you haven't figured it out, I am a wedding planner. They were SUPER nice and courteous and gentlemanly. Some of their wives are models and they were also very sweet.  It made me think, if someone who has won Grammys can have common courtesy, then the people who treat me like shit when I am trying to help them, have no excuse.

6.  I am moving to Charleston, South Carolina.

7.  It is almost my 1 year anniversary of this blog.

8.  I need to work on my resume, website, and get new business cards printed this week.  I have been pushing this off until I finished my event this weekend.  It is go time.

9.  I am going to miss some of my friends here in Chicago more than I thought I would since I am just so excited about getting out of a place that has never been good for me.  That is right, the Windy City is where I have spent most of life other than the first third and college.  I started bawling yesterday thinking about them.  I don't always do a great job letting people into my life, but when I love you, I do for life.   This past year, I have made a few new friends that I know will be around forever and it is always comforting to know that friends come and go, but real friends, the ones that are in your heart, well, they stay with you forever.

10.  My favorite client (EVER!) bought me a T3 SinglePass Whirl styling wand for a thank you gift after I mentioned I wanted one during a hair trial appointment.  Life changing.  I now have good hair days in less than 10 minutes.  Just wear the glove it comes with.  I have burned my hands (and cheek!) a few times trying to get the hang of it.

Hope all is well out there and I will be back to posting regularly this week!

Isn't It Ironic?

I go to an obnoxious gym.  Suburban life at it's finest.  70 year old plastic ladies in teeny bikinis,  $100,000 luxury cars parked across 3 spaces, and juicy infidelity gossip shared at the smoothie stand that gets immediately twisted in the locker room.

Yet, I have been there a lot.  Because I need to be.  And the bonus is that I hardly know anyone there, so it is worth it to me to go somewhere annoying if I can be anonymous.

Something I find very ironic at my gym are the parking lot wars. Members circle close spots like it is Black Friday at the mall.  Aren't you there to work out?  What is a few extra steps if you plan to do an hour on the treadmill?

Last week, I witnessed a blond in a Lexus SUV and a brunette in a Range Rover get into a bitch fight over a parking spot.  Both had children under 3 in their fancy rides.  Seriously, this isn't The Real Housewives of 24 Hour Gyms....move on....move on!

I laughed at how ridiculous the entire situation was and parked in the furthest spot possible.  Then I walked right by the fight on my way in, so I could here the ridiculous rants of, "move your car because I was here FIIIIIIRRRSSSSTTTTT" to remind myself that people like this are morons and I never want to become one.

Ever since then, I have been parking far away when I visit anywhere with a huge parking lot.

I decided that the extra steps and avoiding drama are both positives.....but if you decide to get into a public fight...I will be gawking....I love me drama from afar.

You Gotta Have Faith and Other Self Declarations of Pretty Okayness

Have faith in yourself.  Religious preferences aside.

Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.

I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old.  I know.  I am sorry.  I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself.  I get it.  I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can.  Trust me.  And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days.  Now, I just own my reality.

Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back.  I am amazing myself, actually.  I don't get stuck on things like I used to.  I don't hold grudges.  I allow myself to treat every situation separately.  To process it and move on.  This blog is helping a lot.

While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it.  Just do the best you can.  Wrap things up and move on.  This is like the last semester of high school.  You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.

Clients are unhappy with me.  Why?  Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired.  Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad.  Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a backbone now.  When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady).  I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do.  Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!).  All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed.  I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?  THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME!  Well,  I wanted to be giving and kind.  I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts.  I needed to be heard.  I wanted to fix these people.

And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........

SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad.  My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party......  There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though.  My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest.  JUST LIKE CRUSH.  Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me.  But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY!  I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).

Back to the life rant:

I didn't listen to my inner voice.  My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......

From failure comes success.  I know this.

I am learning.

For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane.  I was living an insane life.  I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning.  I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.

BROKEN.

I spun my wheels.  I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.

I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay.  I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!).  I was so conflicted.  But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it.  I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready.  Life would suck without Crush. SUCK.  It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever.  I am my own biggest fan.  I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart.  My insides are good.  I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back.  Can everyone say that?

My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2.  He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..

Phase 1: Dating

Phase 2: Engagement

Phase 3: Marriage

Phase 4: Kids

I had to tell him.....let's just wait.  I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment.  This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list.  He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."

Made me cry.

Blasting Through The Past

This past Sunday, I did something I have been avoiding for 18 months......I went through my junk in my parents' basement.

It sounds minor, but it wasn't.

On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function.  I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.

Bless my parents, both of them.  They saved me.  They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me.  When I needed them.  When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....

It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me.  How lucky I am.

When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past.  Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.

I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box.  I went through all of them.  I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk.  I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South.  I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically.  I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.

After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief.  I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.

It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it.  Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it.  Day after day after day.  Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready.  I could handle it and I did.  Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it.  It was Me versus Stuff and I won.  WHOOT!

I feel like this is symbolic of many things.  Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss.  You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful.  You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him.  Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved.  I escaped by the skin of my teeth.  Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all.  Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all.  Seriously.  I look the worst I ever looked with him.  Strained.  Uncomfortable.  A mile away from my body and soul.

Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.

I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.

September here I come!

Real Friends, Internet Friends,THANK YOU, Honesty, and Getting Up After You Have Been Knocked Down...The Most Random and Honest Post Ever

In the last year, I have learned who my true friends are.

It took an Awful breakup, a move back home, and a BIG step towards full self-improvement, self-respect, and self-confidence.

My real friends stood by me each and every step of the way.

These people have seen me through ups and downs.  Have stalked me down when I couldn't turn up for events or get out of bed.  Even when I post here now and I am down, I get wonderful texts from a real friend on the West coast who is checking in to support me, love me, and be there for me....from thousands of miles away.  I am lucky.

Internet friends (and some real friends, too) THANK YOU all for reading and for letting me share my honesty.  I thank you all for believing in me.  The virtual support, advice, and love is inspiring.  There are so many wonderful people in this world.  I forget this sometimes when I let my bitter and bad bite me. This blog is cleansing. It has helped me be a better person, a kinder soul, and most importantly, honest.  I have been fighting with honesty for as long as I can remember......

I think my lying started as a defense mechanism when I was young, before I can even really consciously remember.  From therapy, I am piecing together that I do think being called "fat and big" by many people including my grandmother, family friends, and peers at school (I can remember being taunted in nursery school) made me create an alternate reality of sorts to protect myself.  Instead of being fat, I wanted to be wonderful.  I needed to be loved, I needed to be adored, I needed to be admired, and I needed to distract the world from calling me fat so much, so I lied.  Sometimes, I remember blurting something random out to distract people from calling me fat when I felt like they were going to say it.

I remember not lying from 3rd grade when I started over in a new school and wasn't called fat for a while until 6th grade when I was publicly mocked and taunted for an entire year by the most popular boys in school one year older than me.  Being circled and being chanted "Ogre" at still haunts me.  As I have been processing my past pain, it is something I have nightmares about from time to time.  There is nothing worse than public humiliation.  It is one of the reasons I don't even believe in negative reviews for restaurants or service professionals online.  I like to go to the source and let my feelings be known directly because I am so sensitive of being a bully.  It is why I get pushed around in business, too.

After junior high, I got my lying in check for a while until my uncle had a nervous breakdown, lost his very high profile job, and went bankrupt.  He got divorced for the second time, lost custody of his 2 children, had shock therapy, and lived in my parents' basement.  For over 1 year....the same year Sissy went to college and my Nana who I adored, passed away.  It was my sophomore year of high school and Bitch and Snake had just really gotten their fangs into me good.  I fell apart.  My mom confided in some ladies from the neighborhood (and Bitch's and Snake's moms) and they gossiped horribly about my family, spun tales, and mocked us.  It is what people around here do and one of the reasons why helping clients from these parts sometimes snipes me.  It is popular to jump on the bandwagon and kick people when they are down and that isn't how I was raised or how my heart works. Not to totally generalize an area, but it is very vicious, and stupid, and silly, and catty and really pathetic.  I lied ever since high school until lately in some capacity.

My lies weren't huge and were mostly exaggerations.  I knew when I was lying, too, so that is easier to fix.  I have been practicing some tactics for over a year and it has really made the truth the way with me.  I think this is why 2 of my clients fired me.  Because there are more liars than honest people in my industry and I didn't want to hustle anymore.  I think they took the shift in my personality as giving up when it was actually getting better.

Yesterday and today, I have been calling vendors personally and admitting I lost a client and made mistakes.  They have all complimented my honesty and said that they have ALL been fired, too.  It is simply a part of business and learning lessons.  They all thanked me for allowing them to keep the client and for admitting fault.  It was the right thing to do.

I went to coffee with a fantastic entrepreneur and young businessman yesterday and asked him for advice. I told him what I did wrong and he walked me through many of my mistakes step by step and offered me excellent recommendations, guidance, and sympathy.  Because I was able to openly say, "I kinda fucked up." Which is the truth.  I should have fired the clients before they fired me.  No more victim here.

Today, another vendor of mine, who I called to report the firing to, asked to take me to lunch to help. He is going to help me identity the best clients for me and help me finalize my new website which is very close to being done and was delayed for a while while I was sorted out where I was going to live next year city-wise.

And I know all this good is happening because I am honest.

I know this post was random, but this has all been on the tip of my tongue and it feels so yummy to let it all out.

I plan to return some calls this weekend and catch up with real friends and offer my love and support to them, too.

Happy Friday and have a wonderful day!

I've Changed

I have changed.

I know this.

So much in the last year.

I am a different person now.

I have learned lessons.

Can I confess something?

I was fired today for the second time in 2 weeks.

I wish I was upset, but I am not.  I HATED the 2 clients that fired me and I didn't trust my instincts initially when I accepted their business.  I have truly learned who I can and cannot help and as much as I wish I could help everyone that comes to me, I am only a person, just one.  There were signs after signs after signs and yet I was the old me, the one that tried to conform without being honest and it bit me in the tush this time and oh yes, let's not forget....the time before.

You live and you learn.  But, this time, I have really learned.

I know that I make business mistakes.  BUT, I mostly only make them with clients I don't like.  It is like I am subconsciously trying to push them away, to make them stop the constant email with the follow up texts, "did you get my email" texts about things that I am in the process of handling.  If you micromanage me, I can't manage...it makes me feel smothered and suffocated and judged and pushed and like I have already disappointed you and it is one of the reasons I now ask all of my clients for 24 hours turn time on any request unless it is absolutely urgent.....because I need time to process and sometimes I am busy with other clients working.....and I have to show everyone the same amount of respect and be present....sometimes sadly, this includes turning my phone to silent for a few hours at a time.

Today, while I was being fired, I wish I would have handled it differently.  Now that I think about it, she was trying to fire me for weeks and I was making it difficult as I wasn't passing along documents upon request because I was questioning why she needed them and she didn't like it.  Something was fishy.  It was like my heart was telling me something and yet I wasn't convinced in my mind.  But, I said sorry and I wished it could be better and I almost cried, but then I didn't.  Because, I am connected to my heart now and my heart knew that this was GREAT news.....I was free from the abuse I had volunteered myself to.

I looked at my calendar and I realized that the 2 clients who have recently fired me, hired me BEFORE I started dating Crush.  He has changed me...but this time, for the better.  Softened me, relaxed me, made me able to smell the roses and turn off my phone sometimes.  Crush has given me the confidence and assurance to know that I am not always wrong (I make mistakes because I am a person, but sometimes I am right, too), that honesty is always the best policy, and that sometimes admitting defeat and to the impossible is the best way to proceed.

I realize that my clients that fired me,  hired a different person and then wondered what happened and I TOTALLY get this...in the year that we had been working together.....I have evolved into someone so different....sometimes I hardly recognize myself.

After I met Crush, I FINALLY started booking the clients I wanted.  The ones I know I work best with and the ones that trust me, respect me, and work well with me in return.........Oy, between us,  I seriously stopped working for both of the former clients when they kept having conversations about my communication which was basically why I couldn't email or text them back in less than 1 minute.......because when I started working with them both, I had more time and less respect for myself and I slept with the phone next to my head and answered emails and texts instantly, even at 3:00 am.....I was so hungry for approval, for acceptance of any kind, to be busy to free my mind from my unknown future and building a business in a city I didn't see myself long-term....I worked 18 hours a day to distract myself from my life....between sleeping with my phone on my head of course.

The client today asked me "how I could wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror knowing I was such a horrible person" and the old me would have been so bothered by this comment...but, now, well, now I am proud to see myself, even if I am not all the things I sometimes wish I was.....aka thin.  The person I see in the mirror has a heart, a soul, love, and self respect.  I am kind, generous beyond a fault, and patient.  I know this former client will not get what they want without me, but they made their choice and I wish them the best. Truly I do.

But, I know something.  I know both of these clients were being shady in their own way, but I started my relationships with them differently.  In the last year, I have become honest.  I have always had an issue with honesty because I hated myself.  It was easier to lie than to face reality.  But, now, I handle business differently and life differently and mid-process I stopped lying.  I did business and that may involve some spinning, but no lies and that is where I believe both of these clients lost faith and trust in me.  I am not the bullshitter of the past.  I am real.  I am now a straight shooter and they wouldn't have hired me now, for the person I am now.  Bad fit.  They wanted miracles, dreams, and perfection and the old me promised that....the new me knows better.

So, they say, from every failure comes a great success.  I truly believe this.  Now, that these 2 clients, the only 2 causing me stress, strain, and really bad anxiety are gone....now I can focus on my other clients and my future plans and being honest.  Because I feel like my new honesty has given me such a better life.

God works in mysterious ways.  Life is strange.  But, today's firing was for a date that happened to fall on my birthday.  I have worked my last 2 birthdays.  For 20 hours at least each day and I didn't even mention it....meaning, no one knew it was my bday aside from family and my closest friends....I hardly got any bday wishes at all last year because I am not longer on Facebook...and it was peaceful and depressing...I felt like I hardly existed, even some of the people who know and love me the best forgot to wish me well and I blame in mostly on FB, but also because I was sending such a vibe of being busy working and not caring about myself, that who would have known?

Last year, a lovely client of mine dedicated me a cupcake and a candle and sang me "Happy Birthday" at their celebration because one of my assistants let it slip that I was working on my bday and my client was super touched that I never once mentioned it and let them shine.   They told me to make a wish and I wished for love.

They told me that they wished that, "I didn't have to work on my birthday next year," and now I don't because I was fired.

I know I should feel bad about being dismissed, but I have never felt so good about just being me.

I vow to live each day honestly, open, and positive.  Ever since I did, my world is righting itself all over the place!

Sweet dreams,

R & F

FIRED

I was fired from a job.  Well, we fired each other in all honesty.  Some of you did guess correctly on my occupation.  GOOD JOB!  For real, come September, I do look forward to letting you all in a bit more and sharing some specific details….it is juicy and I know you will you a kick out of it!

So, lately, my heart isn’t in my line of work at all.  I wanted to be what I am because I desired to help people, to create memories, to be an expert, to educate, to guide, to emotionally connect, to change someone’s life for the better.  I feel like my industry and the expectations in my city arent’t allowing for this…..I am exhausted by dealing with stupids and emotional imbalance on the daily….oy.

People are crazy.  Hell, I am crazy.  But, I own it.  I also don’t disrespect, curse out, or feel entitled to so much for so little……I don’t hire a professional to undercut fees, to contest things that only nature and god can control, to show form lists from the Internet that have no bearing on a major and VERY expensive market. 

I have a feeling that when I move, I could be successful at my current job.  The market is better.  Less saturated.  Gentler.  A little slower paced.  My Crush works for himself and owns his own business and I see his business interactions and accepted practices.  He gets a 24-hour grace period on emails (I get about 2-4 hours these days before a text come through with the question…"did you get my email?”), clients do not text him, he never picks up the phone being called a “bitch, liar, or cunt….” (this hurts me most as I feel like I have worked so hard to be NONE of these things anymore)……

BUT, I am not perfect.  Never was and never will be.  I want people to like me.  I actually NEED people to LOVE me.  So, I over promise and under deliver and run around in a circle like a little lost puppy wanting to be cherished and doted on and important.  One morning last December when I was cuddling with Crush and the phone/email was going crazy at 7:30 am even though my out of office was on I thought to myself….WTF????????!!!!!!!!!

I had lived 31 years to that point for EVERYONE else and now I wanted a teeny bit of time for me.  I deserve it.  I need it.  I want love and affection and a little privacy, too.  I will not compromise on it.....

And people got pissed, including the client who fired me and their friend who I also helped rather unsuccessfully because she blamed me for such things as not being able to get the fish she wanted in the middle of Hurricane Sandy and that the city we live in was fixing potholes and scaffolding on the street outside of where she wanted to take a photo.  And they called me horrible things and the trust was broken and my heart hurt and I couldn’t eat for days until I binged for a week nonstop after I got my appetite back and I listened to my conscious and I said……..”life can be better than this, you deserve it.”  Just like how I knew I deserved better than Awful.  I always operated on the notion that clients were always right NO MATTER WHAT and the reality is that they aren’t some of the time and mutual respect is a 2 way street.

I learned my lessons.  I now do almost daily check-ins.  Expectation meetings.  It all goes into writing.  I made a list of what I can control and what I cannot and it needs to be initialed.  I wanted to celebrate love, life, and commitment and not have to scream all day to prove points…..I just don’t have it in me.   Sometimes my BEST communication isn’t enough.  Once in a while, a person will not like you no matter how many hoops you just through.

I am thinking of becoming a teacher.  The state I am moving to is desperate for them and does not require a masters degree (which I do not have).  I will have to take tests and some courses and classes, but I will not require an entire new degree.  I have always loved and connected with children and have many teachers (grandmother, Sissy, mom, aunts, cousins, etc.) in my family, it may just be in my blood. 

I sobbed to Crush the other night after I was fired from my client because for a moment I felt nothing, but cold hard failure, even though I was so relieved to be rid of them.  While I ugly cried and snotted on Crush’s chest, he said, “if you want to continue what you are doing, do it, but you can do anything, I believe in you and support you, always.” We then sat down and made a list of why I want to be a teacher and it was for all the reasons I thought I wanted to be what I am…..to make the world a better, sweeter, happy place….seriously, I am a total mush ball.  I wanted to help people.  I wanted to emotionally connect.  I wanted to feel.  I wanted to influence.  I wanted to transform negatives into positives.  

So, here I am at another crossroad.  I found love and now I think it is time to find work satisfaction.  I never really loved my jobs over the years as interesting as they have been as it always felt superficial, silly, and baseless at times and as I have grown and developed, I feel like a chef that hates food, or a fashion designer that hates fabric, or a poet that hates words. How can I create and inspire if I can’t connect with my trade like I used to? I AM IN A TOTAL FUNK.

The verdict is still out and I know that no matter what happens, I will always do some of my current job, just not full time.  Perhaps 3 – 4 selective great projects a year, but no more than that.  Because I will miss it.  Because it is part of me.  Because even though I have taken some hard knocks and tough blows, the rush I get from my good clients, there is nothing quite like it.  There is the ability to connect for life and that connection is what I crave.

I have also learned the kind of client I want to work with and who I can best help.  It is a personality thing sometimes, it always it.

I wanted this to work.  I succeeded.  I did.  I learned lessons, I managed profit margins, I have some major fans and some major enemies.  I do think if I stuck with it, I could succeed, but at what cost?  I need to turn the work off some hours each day, to enjoy my evenings more than once or twice a month, to feel at peace sometimes especially when I rest my head on my pillow at night…to not get a knot in my tummy every time the phone rings. 

I am not as young as I wish I was sometimes….because I feel like doors have slammed shut already on some of my dreams. 

Job satisfaction is one I am willing to fight for though. 

Kill Them with Kindness

Once I move, I plan to tell you a bit more about my business.  At that time, I will be taking a little break from it, in place of a more stable job in a new city, so I can reveal some juice.

I can tell you this, I work with people.  I work with people dealing with a very emotional and expensive time in their lives and most of the time it is fantastic, but some of the time, it really isn't.  I make people very happy, but people also take a lot out on me, some of the time.

Often, after a rude phone conversation with a client or a slew of profane texts shot at me at 2:00 am on a Monday, I think......this is it.  I can't do this anymore.  I am not tough enough.  I want to just be without constant bother.  Then, I get into bed and turn depressed for a few days until I find the strength and balance to apologize for things that have nothing to do with me. Often, this period of self doubt and self reflection are coupled with a major binge.  When I feel like a failure regardless of what I have or haven't even done, food is my friend.  It doesn't talk back.

Lately, as I have become more in tune with who I REALLY am, I have become less of a victim.  I have been able to separate the "OMG, I really dropped the ball," which does happen from time to time with the "this isn't really my problem, nor my job, and I am sorry you feel this way, but I have nothing to do with it."  Let's all live in reality for a moment.  Things cost money.  If you want them, you do have to pay for them.  You hired me to help you, now let me help you and everything can't be done in 1 day.

In the past, everyday of my life was formally determined by how people treated me.  I reacted to their energy.  I am a very kind person.  I am a very giving person.  I think some people consider me to even be fake or phony or a total pushover.  I promise you, I'm not.  I love giving compliments and I give them often, but only when I mean them.  I admire a lot about a lot of people.  I love hearing about what makes a person an individual.

I realize that I am different than most people.  I feel so deeply.  I care so much.  I want happiness and peace for all.  I HATE CONFLICT...so much, that I would try my best to stay out of it and then I would explode.  Now, when I feel things turning with a client,  I try my best to think the entire thing through and realize that returning money and bowing out with enough time can be better overall than fighting tooth and nail to fix something that was and will be always broken. The times I have made miracles happen, stayed up for a week straight, put my own savings into something to make it unbelievable...these are the times I don't even get a thank you...not a hug, a handshake, or a "good job!".  These are the times I still get a nasty review just because I agreed to work with someone.  I will always admit fault and I have messed up in the past, but some people, some people just NEED to blame someone for something and often I am the person blamed.

From time to time, a client will never be satisfied and when you find yourself in the midst of one, I often think now (a few years into this)......GET OUT.  You will end up feeling crazy trying to help someone who IS crazy.

The more I do my job, the more I realize that perhaps it may not be the job for me because I don't like to screw people over.  I like to help them, to tell the truth, and to be a part of things.  When this can't happen, I can't perform at my best.  I am surprised that only very intelligent and financially secure people want to hear the truth.  Perhaps they got this way because they listened and realized that life doesn't work the way they wanted it to just because they think they deserved it.  They had to work hard and save.......

As the days go on and the countdown to the move continues, I decided to just kill them with kindness.  I promise to be nice, BUT firm.  To continue to be honest, loving, giving, and committed.  You can't win them all.  The great clients bring the great referrals and I am ready for GREAT.

Stuck

I am stuck.

Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

I know why I am frozen in one place.

Because I am terrible at transitions.

I know I am leaving here in September and I have unfinished business to attend to before I depart.

I have clients to make happy, a body to get into a good place for me, and friends to support.

I want to do what I have to do, but I can't.  Something happened work-wise this past summer and it scared me.  I felt like a failure.  I felt embarrassed.  BUT, I learned from my mistakes.  I will share the situation soon, I am finally feeling ready to write it all out and put the past behind me. It needed to happen.  I feel it was the final door that needed to close.  I felt mortified in front of people from my past, but I hate (hate is a strong word, not respect is more like it) them all anyway, so it was more that I put myself in a pit of stupidity that I always knew existed and I reached my threshold.  I exploded and tears came out...oy.

I do have strep throat and a fever and have since Monday, the fever that is.  My temperature is down to 100, so it is about to break, I can feel it.  So, I have a little excuse, but part of working for yourself is simply the pleasure of emailing from bed in PJs sometimes.

I know it is the depression sneaking up on me and I have no reason to be depressed.  No reason.  I know I need to go to the gym and do a spin class and track my food and I will indeed feed better.  Moving my body makes me grateful for having it.  It is a gift. This darkness sneaks in once and a while and the only safe place for me is my pillow.

I have had a bit of business success.  I have a boyfriend who is everything I wished and dreamed for.  I have invitations coming in and accolades in favor of my work and dedication.

I am stuck because I am procrastinating.  Because my confidence was ruffled, because I am ALL or nothing.

I have things that need to be done and I simply would rather be watching the Bad Girls Club and eating McNuggets.  Both are bad for me.

I am so sure that I won't be here in a year that I feel like saying F**K IT and going on a long vacation somewhere with some great books. Telling clients to find someone else to help them....what is the point?  This is SO NOT me, I promise, I love my job most of the time and I am finally getting pretty good at at.

I don't want to give up, I want to go out with a bang.  Now is the perfect time to thrive, not fail.

I am going to make a mini goal for today.

Email and return all current emails in my work inbox before midnight tonight.  I slept in super late, so it can happen.

It shouldn't be hard.

I know what I have to do.  I am better than what I am giving out.

I came here to journal it to make it real.

It will all get done.

I will feel SO much better when it finally does.

I know this.

Everything needs to be completed, so I can continue working on myself.

Here goes!!!!

Home is Where the Heart Is

I have been slacking for 4 months on work.  Ever since I started to really talk to Crush, my personal life has been about him and my work-life balance has gone out the window.

Ugh....I ALWAYS do this.  I do.  Like I have admitted, I am SO all or nothing.  Why can't I find the balance?

I know the reasons.  After this year and next, I don't think I will work full-time any longer.  Stop throwing virtual tomatoes at me.  I am just being honest.  If the plan Crush and I have already established pans out, we will be married in a few years and will start trying for little ones soon after. Neither of us are spring chickens and neither of us are denying it.  We have both lived full lives independently of each other.  My only big thing is that I want to take one huge international trip together before babies, he is on board.  All systems go.

So, my heart and future are no longer in the city I live in.  I know that I can kinda half-ass it before I go because the work I do now won't really have anything to do with the work I will do in the future and my attitude is messed up.  My laziness and desire to not please is scaring me.....I have become the opposite kind of person that I was.  I used to care SO much and never disappoint and now I can hardly get it together....WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I ignore emails and my phone and go to sleep without a guilty conscious.  It is not right.  My behavior before Crush was SUPER anal, but now I am slacking.  I need balance.  I aim to work on getting it together this month and I am running out of time here.  Things need to be done and I can barely muster the strength to do a few easy tasks a day....I am so tired and lackluster and I know it.

I think I just KNOW that Crush and me are for real, so I am not resorting to second options and other secret plans like I typically do.  This is both positive and negative.  It represents that I truly care and trust Crush, but it also represents my lack of personal planning.....which forced me into my parents home at 30.....I should be planning better, right?!  I know I should, yet I can't....

I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket, yet I am.  I don't want to forget all the things I know.  I don't want to ignore all of the tasks that have been festering in my mind without being able to get them done.

But, my heart isn't here anymore, it is 1300 miles away and Crush is all I can think about and somehow I am okay with this..............I hope to pull it together before I slip even more.

The Voice Within

As I have shared, I have been consumed by the tragedy in Newtown.  I love children.  I have many teachers in my family.  This hit home for me, as I know it has for millions of other people.  We all (or the vast majority of us) went to elementary school.  That in itself becomes relatable, just like how now going to the movies heightens my anxiety after the tragedy in Colorado.

But, I don't want to live in fear.  Fear allows the bad people to win.  It gives them the power, the power to make me afraid, I don't want to do it willingly.  I have come too far.  I have tried too hard.  I will live each and every day to the fullest and I will be the best person I can be. I will give my future up to chance and accept that I have a lot of control over my destiny, but freak things do happen, so I don't have total control.

A few years ago, I worked with someone who was severely bipolar.  I knew something was up with her from the moment she was first hired, nearly a year after I began working in the office she joined.  There was something about her that never allowed me to put my guard down.

As time went on, it became clear to me that she had relations pre-employment with our boss in the office.  They had worked together years before at another location and she was brought in under the pretense that she was wonderful, personable, and qualified, but the truth of the matter was that she was none of these things.  She was uneducated, unreliable, unpolished, angry, mean, and vindictive.  She slept with employees from departments that we managed, she drank at work, she cursed, she dressed unprofessionally, she cried and screamed regularly, she was always bailing one person or another out of jail.  I promise you that where I worked was prestigious, she didn't have the experience to be part of our team and business has since directly suffered because of her employment.  I hear it all of time as I am still in the industry.  She was a liability is every sense of the word.  Everyone knew it. We swept it under the rug.

I now know that she was hired because she had inappropriate sexual relations with my former boss before he worked in my office and she was there because she blackmailed him.  Sex is sometimes always the answer that can't be answered any other way.  I knew it when I worked there in my heart, but it was confirmed to me after I left.  I still feel bothered by it, sometimes.

Her being in the office greatly affected my career.  I was not promoted because my boss was afraid of this woman and wouldn't advance me without advancing her and he made that pretty clear.  But, she could never be advanced because she never did anything, but cause trouble.  I won awards, I sought higher education in my field, and I got rave client reviews and I stayed stuck in this middle ground compared to a woman who shouldn't have been there in the first place regardless of her mental illness.  She didn't want to work.  She was there to get a paycheck and I wish that paycheck went to feed and cloth all of her children, but I know it didn't.  I think about her children all the time.  How sad I am for them.

I understand and sympathize with mental illness.  I myself suffer from depression and anxiety.  I know how dark, dark can really feel.  My former co-worker refused to take her medicine correctly and would share this with the office.  This is really the biggest issue I had with her.  If only she took her medicine.  Many people work and function and exist with mental illness (myself included), but you must get the help available for you and take the medicine to stabilize you, if it is a part of your regime.  That was her personal responsibility of being a part of an office and team environment.  She had access to wonderful healthcare.  I think perhaps that is why my boss also allowed her to work there, to help her.  I know he has a heart within all of his conflict and deceit.

Everyone was afraid of her, I was the only one who took a stand, but honestly only after I was forced to.  A bunch of cowards we all were.  Too scared to do anything, but also do consumed with our own lives to truly help.  No one wanted to provoke the crazy.

One morning when we were the only two people present at an extremely early hour, she came in un-showered and hadn't slept all night.  She was agitated and annoyed she had to be at work, at her job. She told me she was out with her boyfriend the night before partying.  She then got angry when I was trying to work and not engaging her with questions about her party night, mainly because I could care less and because I was doing her work at the time, so her early morning client would be happy.  I was asked to come in and cover for her as it was never clear when she would roll into the office.  Always the people pleaser I was and still am.....I thought being this amazing, reliable person would get me promoted, it actually only made me become even more taken advantage of.

She got up in my face and threw a heavy dictionary at my head.  She told me "if I killed you, no one would know, they would blame it on you, it's clear that I am favored around here and you can't do anything about it.  I have access to guns (true, she was dating and living with someone who did) and I know how to strangle people."

She was right.  If something happened to me, she would have been protected.  My former boss' marriage and personal life was much more important to him than my safety.

I went to my boss about the occurrence and he made more excuses up.  Told me to wait it out.  I had been waiting for 6 years.  He stuttered and sought words, but the truth was that he did indeed pick her over me.  She had material to use against him and I had nothing.

The job was within my credentials and I deserved to be there, but the management was terrible and couldn't and most importantly wouldn't protect me.  Don't even get me started on my direct boss, the chess piece for cheater boss.  I resigned my position after more than 6 years and I am still upset about it sometimes.

But, my voice within lead me correctly.  I just recently found out that she was fired and she did something so terrible and so scary to get terminated.  She was untouchable there: she didn't show up, took mental leaves on the regular (where she posted photos of herself on vacations on Facebook when she was supposed to be on suicide watches), came to work drunk or hungover, didn't finish any of her assignments, upset clients on the daily...what she did was seriously so bad and caught on camera, there was no way to keep her.  Technology won.

I knew eventually it would come, but I didn't want to wait to find out.  I am sure my former boss lives everyday in fear of her and he should.  I have a feeling she isn't done with him.  I hope he has gotten a protective order.  As much as I want karma, I don't want it bad enough for anyone to get hurt.

I feel for her and I feel for her children most of all.  They were just recently taken away by the state.  I pray for all of them.  I sincerely pray for her most of all because she is sick and needs help and needs to come to terms with the fact that help is available for her and she needs it for real.  I think about her all the time.  I worry about her even though I dislike her.  At the end of the day, I feel for her most of all.  Her life is so different than mine, but her choices, her personal choices, led her to this place.  I swear it didn't have to be like this.  She came from a very good family, she is sick.

I was held back and my progress was stalled because of her, but I learned my own lessons, too.  The most simple one: life isn't fair.

Sometimes walking away from injustice is the best justice of all.  You have to trust the voice within.

Procrastinate

Lately, my procrastination has been the worst it has ever been.

My anxiety was running my life for the last year or so and I was a victim to it.  I didn't sleep many nights, I lived in fear of client emails and voicemails, I couldn't set boundaries.  All of a sudden my outlook has changed.

Some of this does has to do with the fact that I am indeed on anxiety medication.  It has been helping as it does.  The butterflies in my tummy are resting and I can go about my day without a tight chest and a clenched jaw, but.....

I feel like I have swung to the opposite side.  The fuck it side.  The none of this is that important right now, I want to go workout, take a nap, and then call my boyfriend.  I am still functioning, don't get me wrong here.  Emails are returned, but that is about it.  I receive 100-200 work related emails a day, so that in itself is a lot to handle.  If I wasn't moving, in terms of my business development, hiring someone to mange my email would be my next step.

I have a few things to finish this week.  They must get done.  All of my half finished and promised things, they must get done by Friday.  This is the goal.  I need to make sure of it because people are depending on me and I hate unreliable people, so I really don't want to become one myself.

Have a great day!!!!!!