Stuck

I am stuck.

Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

I know why I am frozen in one place.

Because I am terrible at transitions.

I know I am leaving here in September and I have unfinished business to attend to before I depart.

I have clients to make happy, a body to get into a good place for me, and friends to support.

I want to do what I have to do, but I can't.  Something happened work-wise this past summer and it scared me.  I felt like a failure.  I felt embarrassed.  BUT, I learned from my mistakes.  I will share the situation soon, I am finally feeling ready to write it all out and put the past behind me. It needed to happen.  I feel it was the final door that needed to close.  I felt mortified in front of people from my past, but I hate (hate is a strong word, not respect is more like it) them all anyway, so it was more that I put myself in a pit of stupidity that I always knew existed and I reached my threshold.  I exploded and tears came out...oy.

I do have strep throat and a fever and have since Monday, the fever that is.  My temperature is down to 100, so it is about to break, I can feel it.  So, I have a little excuse, but part of working for yourself is simply the pleasure of emailing from bed in PJs sometimes.

I know it is the depression sneaking up on me and I have no reason to be depressed.  No reason.  I know I need to go to the gym and do a spin class and track my food and I will indeed feed better.  Moving my body makes me grateful for having it.  It is a gift. This darkness sneaks in once and a while and the only safe place for me is my pillow.

I have had a bit of business success.  I have a boyfriend who is everything I wished and dreamed for.  I have invitations coming in and accolades in favor of my work and dedication.

I am stuck because I am procrastinating.  Because my confidence was ruffled, because I am ALL or nothing.

I have things that need to be done and I simply would rather be watching the Bad Girls Club and eating McNuggets.  Both are bad for me.

I am so sure that I won't be here in a year that I feel like saying F**K IT and going on a long vacation somewhere with some great books. Telling clients to find someone else to help them....what is the point?  This is SO NOT me, I promise, I love my job most of the time and I am finally getting pretty good at at.

I don't want to give up, I want to go out with a bang.  Now is the perfect time to thrive, not fail.

I am going to make a mini goal for today.

Email and return all current emails in my work inbox before midnight tonight.  I slept in super late, so it can happen.

It shouldn't be hard.

I know what I have to do.  I am better than what I am giving out.

I came here to journal it to make it real.

It will all get done.

I will feel SO much better when it finally does.

I know this.

Everything needs to be completed, so I can continue working on myself.

Here goes!!!!