Motorcycles:
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Showing posts with label The Future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Future. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Broken Record
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Record scratch. I know that actions speak louder than words and I have had a lot of words on this blog about weight loss and VERY LITTLE ACTION.
I am the first to admit it.....and it sucks.
You know what I have been avoiding lately.....oh yes, thatlittle big number on the scale.....my weight.
My friends, it isn't pretty.
My weight and weight loss in general comes in waves for me. The reality is that often I am simply not ready to do it. I have so many other emotional struggles I am dealing with, like sometimes, just getting out of bed, that I let myself use and abuse food for comfort and then the scale goes to places that it has never been before. Like this morning. Terrifying. Must break the cycle.
When before I mused about losing 30 pounds, I am now staring down 40-45 pounds and I am okay with this. I have been working out, going to therapy, staying active, and not stressing about clothes not fitting all that much.
I have allowed myself to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have wanted these past 2 years....it shouldn't be a surprise to me and it isn't. I have not deprived myself of anything or everything.
This past month, in the midst of a binge or a really big meal that lasts ALL day, the little voice in my head is actually telling me to stop. Progress. I may be reaching for the midnight granola bars, but I don't want them. It is just my pattern, my routine. My security blanket. But, my mind is actually wanting to stop the cycle. I feel some power over my decisions which is empowering.
Yesterday, for Father's Day, my Daddy and I went on a 40 mile bike ride. We rode on one of my favorite trails which is dirt and (thus harder to ride on than pavement) weaved in and by deeply shaded forests, open prairies, nature conservatories, little river bridges, and lily pad ponds. It is my absolute dream place to ride and my Dad is awesome company. Halfway through we stopped for lunch and I thought to myself, make a healthy choice because your body deserves it and I did and I didn't want the 20 miles on the way back to come to an end. I was enjoying the feeling of trusting my body and knowing what it could do. Even if I am 40 pounds overweight, I can still rock a 14 mile per hour pace on a heavy bike on a dirt trail and even bigger props to my almost 65 year old Daddy who is in incredible shape and often sets the pace for me!
Typically, in the midst of a grueling working....I repeat (this is embarrassing, but no secrets here), "bikini, bikini, bikini" and I imagine myself on the beach with Crush feeling so sexy and secure in my newest classic J.Crew black bikini that I cannot even wear in public now....but yesterday I chanted, "mind, body, and soul" over and over again on the steep hill climbs and it made me ride faster than ever before.
So....last night, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and thought about my body, my weight. Not the beautiful size 10 dresses, not the bikinis with tags still on them, not the future wedding dress I may be purchasing in the next year or so.....I thought about my body. I thought about the abuse I have been doing to this vessel that I am lucky enough to live in. I thought about how kind my body has been to me this year. How I can still ride 40 miles, I can still rock a spinning class, that Bar Method is a work in progress, but I can keep up. I thought about the feeling of freedom I have cruising on my bike through shoulder high sunflowers and I realized....the time is now.
Not for vanity, not for Crush, not to show Awful that I did it and look AMAZING.....but my body, myself, I deserve better. I haven't been nice to her for a long time.....the Cheetos, pizza, and ice cream will always be there and will still be enjoyed, I am not about deprivation....but the mindless, emotional eating that gets me nowhere.....well, I am dealing with it in therapy and I see a change to my mindset......yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
So, this morning, I am off to a WeightWatchers meeting. One where I will weigh in, attend the entire meeting, and take it seriously. Like I should. I plan to do so for the next 12 weeks until I move to the South and than continue down there and also continue with a new therapist that my current one recommended for me. A goal of mine has always been to be a WeightWatchers leader and I would love to accomplish it....especially because down South it seems like a more attainable goal. There are less meetings, which means that new leaders equal more times for people to come meet. Since I am not traveling at all this summer for pleasure, it is a good time to establish some routine.
I will let you know how it goes as it rolls and just like how one morning, I was ready to date again....this morning, I am ready to help my body be the healthiest she can be.
A new mindset may just bring new results.
Happy Monday!!!!
I am the first to admit it.....and it sucks.
You know what I have been avoiding lately.....oh yes, that
My friends, it isn't pretty.
My weight and weight loss in general comes in waves for me. The reality is that often I am simply not ready to do it. I have so many other emotional struggles I am dealing with, like sometimes, just getting out of bed, that I let myself use and abuse food for comfort and then the scale goes to places that it has never been before. Like this morning. Terrifying. Must break the cycle.
When before I mused about losing 30 pounds, I am now staring down 40-45 pounds and I am okay with this. I have been working out, going to therapy, staying active, and not stressing about clothes not fitting all that much.
I have allowed myself to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have wanted these past 2 years....it shouldn't be a surprise to me and it isn't. I have not deprived myself of anything or everything.
This past month, in the midst of a binge or a really big meal that lasts ALL day, the little voice in my head is actually telling me to stop. Progress. I may be reaching for the midnight granola bars, but I don't want them. It is just my pattern, my routine. My security blanket. But, my mind is actually wanting to stop the cycle. I feel some power over my decisions which is empowering.
Yesterday, for Father's Day, my Daddy and I went on a 40 mile bike ride. We rode on one of my favorite trails which is dirt and (thus harder to ride on than pavement) weaved in and by deeply shaded forests, open prairies, nature conservatories, little river bridges, and lily pad ponds. It is my absolute dream place to ride and my Dad is awesome company. Halfway through we stopped for lunch and I thought to myself, make a healthy choice because your body deserves it and I did and I didn't want the 20 miles on the way back to come to an end. I was enjoying the feeling of trusting my body and knowing what it could do. Even if I am 40 pounds overweight, I can still rock a 14 mile per hour pace on a heavy bike on a dirt trail and even bigger props to my almost 65 year old Daddy who is in incredible shape and often sets the pace for me!
Typically, in the midst of a grueling working....I repeat (this is embarrassing, but no secrets here), "bikini, bikini, bikini" and I imagine myself on the beach with Crush feeling so sexy and secure in my newest classic J.Crew black bikini that I cannot even wear in public now....but yesterday I chanted, "mind, body, and soul" over and over again on the steep hill climbs and it made me ride faster than ever before.
So....last night, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and thought about my body, my weight. Not the beautiful size 10 dresses, not the bikinis with tags still on them, not the future wedding dress I may be purchasing in the next year or so.....I thought about my body. I thought about the abuse I have been doing to this vessel that I am lucky enough to live in. I thought about how kind my body has been to me this year. How I can still ride 40 miles, I can still rock a spinning class, that Bar Method is a work in progress, but I can keep up. I thought about the feeling of freedom I have cruising on my bike through shoulder high sunflowers and I realized....the time is now.
Not for vanity, not for Crush, not to show Awful that I did it and look AMAZING.....but my body, myself, I deserve better. I haven't been nice to her for a long time.....the Cheetos, pizza, and ice cream will always be there and will still be enjoyed, I am not about deprivation....but the mindless, emotional eating that gets me nowhere.....well, I am dealing with it in therapy and I see a change to my mindset......yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
So, this morning, I am off to a WeightWatchers meeting. One where I will weigh in, attend the entire meeting, and take it seriously. Like I should. I plan to do so for the next 12 weeks until I move to the South and than continue down there and also continue with a new therapist that my current one recommended for me. A goal of mine has always been to be a WeightWatchers leader and I would love to accomplish it....especially because down South it seems like a more attainable goal. There are less meetings, which means that new leaders equal more times for people to come meet. Since I am not traveling at all this summer for pleasure, it is a good time to establish some routine.
I will let you know how it goes as it rolls and just like how one morning, I was ready to date again....this morning, I am ready to help my body be the healthiest she can be.
A new mindset may just bring new results.
Happy Monday!!!!
Friday, June 14, 2013
Bossy Pants
Happy Friday out there!
I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired. A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!
But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.
Yes, I am bossy.
I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader. I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.
I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY! I always sorta knew it.
Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)
So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!
I KNOW I KNOW. What is wrong with me?
I guess, I just need to feel control. There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him. I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go. I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.
I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it. I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.
And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience. Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....
I am over Awful. I never really loved him. I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure. But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!
While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice. My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above." Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring. Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.
I have to admit something. I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday. I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same. On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally. I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful. And these pounds are still on me. And until they drop off, the past is, too. It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes. I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"
And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful. I learned a lot. Reflection and hindsight is cleansing. But, I don't think we had the best closure. I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future. I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!
Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness. Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal. Too literal.
My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG. From the mouth of moms!
So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants. It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......
As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......
"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand. You need that."
And she is right (duh!). I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.
I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired. A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!
But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.
Yes, I am bossy.
I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader. I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.
I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY! I always sorta knew it.
Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)
So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!
I KNOW I KNOW. What is wrong with me?
I guess, I just need to feel control. There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him. I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go. I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.
I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it. I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.
And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience. Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....
I am over Awful. I never really loved him. I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure. But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!
While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice. My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above." Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring. Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.
I have to admit something. I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday. I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same. On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally. I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful. And these pounds are still on me. And until they drop off, the past is, too. It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes. I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"
And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful. I learned a lot. Reflection and hindsight is cleansing. But, I don't think we had the best closure. I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future. I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!
Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness. Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal. Too literal.
My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG. From the mouth of moms!
So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants. It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......
As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......
"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand. You need that."
And she is right (duh!). I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
It Is The People That Make The Party! An Answer To A Really Good Question.
I believe that people make or break a party.
You can spend $100 or a $1,000,000, but without good people who are there for the right reasons....it does not matter how much you spend. A get together of any kind depends on the people there. Great people make for great times.
After I posted last night, I received a heartfelt comment asking me this....:
What is stopping you from being the lady you always wanted to be in your heart now as opposed to when you move?
The answer is simply the people.
I know it seems too easy. I know it seems like I am passing blame....I know I seem weak that I cannot overcome my past. Some may think I am escaping. Fleeing a place that I can't survive in. I get all this. I really do. Some people are less influenced by public opinion. This is something I am working on.
I am going to tell you a little story that I touched on briefly months ago when I posted about Bitch and Snake. I consider it now a pivotal situation that shaped my life and my honesty. The story connects very much to how people where I live handle the truth and how I came to choose lies to avoid backlash until rather recently.
Here we go!
My Mom has 2 brothers. Both Ivy League, both geniuses in their own way. 1 a doctor and 1 a lawyer. These brothers are close in age (2.5 years apart whereas my mom is 6 years younger than the middle brother) and were always in competition. My Mom was exempt from this. As the baby, as the only daughter, and since she has a slight physical disability...well, she was coddled and favored and not put into the severe pressure cooker that her brothers had to endure.
My Mom's oldest brother (and my favorite uncle) is a real success story. He is just beyond words. Hugely successful and admired in his field. He is simply awe inducing. I cannot believe that he is my Mom's brother sometimes...that they actually came from the same parents, he is just so intelligent and a phenomenal person.
My mom's middle brother....well, he is a genius, too. But, different. He struggled with mental illness, specifically depression and bipolar disorder most of his life. But, he still accomplished so much. He went to Harvard Law School. He graduated top of his class. He was a law partner at 1 of the most prestigious firms in Manhattan by age 35. He was nothing to scoff at. But, during his success, he tried to commit suicide several times. He married and divorced the love of his life. He got into cocaine. He moved to a smaller place and started his own very successful private practice. He married again. He had 2 children. He fell into another bout of depression and tried to kill himself.........he filed for bankruptcy....he hit absolute rock bottom.
And when he had no where to go and no one to turn to, he came to my Mom. His baby sister. He ended up living in my parents' basement when I was 14. He lived with us for 2 full years.
I was born in New York. My parents are New Yorkers. Born and bred. They didn't move to the Midwest until they were in their 40's. New Yorkers own their shit. They talk shit, too. Yes, there are exceptions to my theory, but mostly the truth is the truth out there. I was raised, like my parents were, to tell the truth.
When we moved out here, I remember people were always in disbelief of what I was saying. Not that I was crude, just that I was open. Open about my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. I remember getting the message that this wasn't right. That is wasn't socially acceptable to share what I did and I was always super confused as to why....why was the truth now bad if it was always okay and accepted before?
So, my uncle was living in my basement and my Mom was a bit confused about how to proceed. She, like me, had made new friends who showed her that being honest wasn't always the best way to be if you lived here. She was always very conflicted and would regularly share that people were "talking bad about her and she had no idea why", but unlike me, she really didn't care much and went about her life confidently. My Mom is extremely confidant. I remember her asking me "if we should tell people that my uncle had a nervous breakdown?" and I agreed that it was nothing to me ashamed of. People do have nervous breakdowns sometimes, great people. Geniuses. But, my mom did tell me "that some people here (Midwest) don't like the truth and I don't want you to be brought into this." It was like she knew that this situation may not be acceptable. She felt it.
1 day, Bitch's mom called up my Mom to ask about my uncle. I had been at Bitch's after school and I had asked to use the computer at her house to print something and mentioned that "I hadn't been in my basement for a while because my uncle was down there" and it piqued Momma Bitch's interest.
Blood in the water.
My Mom didn't spin the story when asked. She shared everything. The suicide attempts, the cocaine, the failed marriages, the bankruptcy. Now, I know that I would have done the same thing as her. But, even a few months ago, I wouldn't have. My mom owns her shit. She is awesome this way.
The next day, I went to school and I felt new stares in the hallways. People were treating me differently. At lunch, when I asked what the hell was going on to my "friends", Bitch replied...."My mom told me that your uncle is poor and crazy and sponging off your parents. How pathetic. She also said that your mom said that mental illness runs in your family, so now it all makes sense. You are crazy."
Ahhhh.....I was now known as a crazy person at high school because my mom told the truth.
You see how this little tale got spun? Because of the people.
That year, I got dumped by my friends, I didn't get asked to any dances, and I worked really hard to remove the crazy stigma (ironic now that I suffer from depression). I made new friends from other schools and came back better for it, only to fall for the same tricks again. I was dumped again my senior year for being crazy......and I think some of my depression does come from the idea that other people think I am crazy. I cannot believe I just admitted that, but it is true...I endured bullying. Lots of it. But, this was before Facebook and all that. Sometimes I think that if I lived now as a teenage in my old high school with all of the social media...well, I would have killed myself from the nonstop bullying. At least when I was younger, the bullying existed mostly at school and from being left out, but my emotions were manageable. I could escape the tourture in the hours I didn't have to be at school.
Down South, ...people own their lives. Again a general statement and I am sure exceptions apply here, too.
SIDENOTE: Please know that I share my personal experiences and I try to tow the line with over-generalizing, but I will say things are simply passive-aggressive where I am for me, in my town. I don't want to debate it that much as I know that everyone has their own life experience and the story I am telling is my own.
In the South, some things may be said sweetly, but real life is real. 1 of the reasons my parents got on famously with Crush's was because neither set has secrets. My Mom openly shared her brother's issues, my Dad openly shared his struggles with my Grandmother and his sister, Crush's parents shared personal things that no one in my area would ever openly claim. And they did so without spinning it. Just the truth. A few moments on each subject. No whispers. No judgement. Accept reality and move on.
My parents couldn't believe that during the trip when we ran into Crush's parents friends and something came up, everyone answered candidly, even in front of my folks....this would NEVER happen in my neighborhood....you see here, private information leaks from a trusted source. A person tells someone they trust, like my Mom to Bitch's mom and then stories get passed along and shared, but because people are embarrassed to share their truth in public here, there is no control over what gets out.
Here is an example of a real exchange down South that I heard over the weekend:
Crush's mom when seeing an old friend: "How is Dean? Is he enjoying life as a newlywed?"
Old Friend: "Darling...didn't you hear? He is already getting divorced! Love is a complicated thing. But, there were no babies yet, so he will be okay. He learned a lot. Does Ready and Fading have a single sister?"
If this was in my neighborhood, this is how it would have likely gone:
My Mom when seeing an old friend: "How is Dean? Is he enjoying life as a newlywed?"
Old Friend: "Of course (even if the divorce proceeding were already occurring)! He is so happy and we are so happy and we are just praying for grand babies. How are you? How are things? How are the girls? (SUBJECT CHANGE)."
Then my Mom would find out a few weeks later than Dean was getting divorced and her feelings would be hurt that her old friend didn't tell her, but she would be forced to understand that the lie was to "save face" and done in "protection."
Aren't you all confused?
I am!!!
So, to sum this all up.....when I moved home less than 2 years ago, I didn't realize how much pain and emotional distress coming home to a place with the people I avoided for over 12 years would bother me. I thought that I would be safe. I thought people would understand the distress I was enduring. No one did. No one cared. I didn't want sympathy, I wanted understanding. I hide out because it is easier for me than it is to face the reality that my life is not what other people here think it should be. I am okay with this. I am weak here and I know it. It is an issue that I am trying to work through in therapy and something I have been dealing with for 2/3s of my life. It ain't pretty, but it is mine.
I am excited to start over and to be given the opportunity to wipe my slate clean. To be the honest, open, free person I have always wanted to be in a place that accepts this type of behavior.
You see, down South, "crazy people" are simply "characters" and everyone loves a character!
The people here, are not privy to my party.
You can spend $100 or a $1,000,000, but without good people who are there for the right reasons....it does not matter how much you spend. A get together of any kind depends on the people there. Great people make for great times.
After I posted last night, I received a heartfelt comment asking me this....:
What is stopping you from being the lady you always wanted to be in your heart now as opposed to when you move?
The answer is simply the people.
I know it seems too easy. I know it seems like I am passing blame....I know I seem weak that I cannot overcome my past. Some may think I am escaping. Fleeing a place that I can't survive in. I get all this. I really do. Some people are less influenced by public opinion. This is something I am working on.
I am going to tell you a little story that I touched on briefly months ago when I posted about Bitch and Snake. I consider it now a pivotal situation that shaped my life and my honesty. The story connects very much to how people where I live handle the truth and how I came to choose lies to avoid backlash until rather recently.
Here we go!
My Mom has 2 brothers. Both Ivy League, both geniuses in their own way. 1 a doctor and 1 a lawyer. These brothers are close in age (2.5 years apart whereas my mom is 6 years younger than the middle brother) and were always in competition. My Mom was exempt from this. As the baby, as the only daughter, and since she has a slight physical disability...well, she was coddled and favored and not put into the severe pressure cooker that her brothers had to endure.
My Mom's oldest brother (and my favorite uncle) is a real success story. He is just beyond words. Hugely successful and admired in his field. He is simply awe inducing. I cannot believe that he is my Mom's brother sometimes...that they actually came from the same parents, he is just so intelligent and a phenomenal person.
My mom's middle brother....well, he is a genius, too. But, different. He struggled with mental illness, specifically depression and bipolar disorder most of his life. But, he still accomplished so much. He went to Harvard Law School. He graduated top of his class. He was a law partner at 1 of the most prestigious firms in Manhattan by age 35. He was nothing to scoff at. But, during his success, he tried to commit suicide several times. He married and divorced the love of his life. He got into cocaine. He moved to a smaller place and started his own very successful private practice. He married again. He had 2 children. He fell into another bout of depression and tried to kill himself.........he filed for bankruptcy....he hit absolute rock bottom.
And when he had no where to go and no one to turn to, he came to my Mom. His baby sister. He ended up living in my parents' basement when I was 14. He lived with us for 2 full years.
I was born in New York. My parents are New Yorkers. Born and bred. They didn't move to the Midwest until they were in their 40's. New Yorkers own their shit. They talk shit, too. Yes, there are exceptions to my theory, but mostly the truth is the truth out there. I was raised, like my parents were, to tell the truth.
When we moved out here, I remember people were always in disbelief of what I was saying. Not that I was crude, just that I was open. Open about my thoughts, my feelings, and my body. I remember getting the message that this wasn't right. That is wasn't socially acceptable to share what I did and I was always super confused as to why....why was the truth now bad if it was always okay and accepted before?
So, my uncle was living in my basement and my Mom was a bit confused about how to proceed. She, like me, had made new friends who showed her that being honest wasn't always the best way to be if you lived here. She was always very conflicted and would regularly share that people were "talking bad about her and she had no idea why", but unlike me, she really didn't care much and went about her life confidently. My Mom is extremely confidant. I remember her asking me "if we should tell people that my uncle had a nervous breakdown?" and I agreed that it was nothing to me ashamed of. People do have nervous breakdowns sometimes, great people. Geniuses. But, my mom did tell me "that some people here (Midwest) don't like the truth and I don't want you to be brought into this." It was like she knew that this situation may not be acceptable. She felt it.
1 day, Bitch's mom called up my Mom to ask about my uncle. I had been at Bitch's after school and I had asked to use the computer at her house to print something and mentioned that "I hadn't been in my basement for a while because my uncle was down there" and it piqued Momma Bitch's interest.
Blood in the water.
My Mom didn't spin the story when asked. She shared everything. The suicide attempts, the cocaine, the failed marriages, the bankruptcy. Now, I know that I would have done the same thing as her. But, even a few months ago, I wouldn't have. My mom owns her shit. She is awesome this way.
The next day, I went to school and I felt new stares in the hallways. People were treating me differently. At lunch, when I asked what the hell was going on to my "friends", Bitch replied...."My mom told me that your uncle is poor and crazy and sponging off your parents. How pathetic. She also said that your mom said that mental illness runs in your family, so now it all makes sense. You are crazy."
Ahhhh.....I was now known as a crazy person at high school because my mom told the truth.
You see how this little tale got spun? Because of the people.
That year, I got dumped by my friends, I didn't get asked to any dances, and I worked really hard to remove the crazy stigma (ironic now that I suffer from depression). I made new friends from other schools and came back better for it, only to fall for the same tricks again. I was dumped again my senior year for being crazy......and I think some of my depression does come from the idea that other people think I am crazy. I cannot believe I just admitted that, but it is true...I endured bullying. Lots of it. But, this was before Facebook and all that. Sometimes I think that if I lived now as a teenage in my old high school with all of the social media...well, I would have killed myself from the nonstop bullying. At least when I was younger, the bullying existed mostly at school and from being left out, but my emotions were manageable. I could escape the tourture in the hours I didn't have to be at school.
Down South, ...people own their lives. Again a general statement and I am sure exceptions apply here, too.
SIDENOTE: Please know that I share my personal experiences and I try to tow the line with over-generalizing, but I will say things are simply passive-aggressive where I am for me, in my town. I don't want to debate it that much as I know that everyone has their own life experience and the story I am telling is my own.
In the South, some things may be said sweetly, but real life is real. 1 of the reasons my parents got on famously with Crush's was because neither set has secrets. My Mom openly shared her brother's issues, my Dad openly shared his struggles with my Grandmother and his sister, Crush's parents shared personal things that no one in my area would ever openly claim. And they did so without spinning it. Just the truth. A few moments on each subject. No whispers. No judgement. Accept reality and move on.
My parents couldn't believe that during the trip when we ran into Crush's parents friends and something came up, everyone answered candidly, even in front of my folks....this would NEVER happen in my neighborhood....you see here, private information leaks from a trusted source. A person tells someone they trust, like my Mom to Bitch's mom and then stories get passed along and shared, but because people are embarrassed to share their truth in public here, there is no control over what gets out.
Here is an example of a real exchange down South that I heard over the weekend:
Crush's mom when seeing an old friend: "How is Dean? Is he enjoying life as a newlywed?"
Old Friend: "Darling...didn't you hear? He is already getting divorced! Love is a complicated thing. But, there were no babies yet, so he will be okay. He learned a lot. Does Ready and Fading have a single sister?"
If this was in my neighborhood, this is how it would have likely gone:
My Mom when seeing an old friend: "How is Dean? Is he enjoying life as a newlywed?"
Old Friend: "Of course (even if the divorce proceeding were already occurring)! He is so happy and we are so happy and we are just praying for grand babies. How are you? How are things? How are the girls? (SUBJECT CHANGE)."
Then my Mom would find out a few weeks later than Dean was getting divorced and her feelings would be hurt that her old friend didn't tell her, but she would be forced to understand that the lie was to "save face" and done in "protection."
Aren't you all confused?
I am!!!
So, to sum this all up.....when I moved home less than 2 years ago, I didn't realize how much pain and emotional distress coming home to a place with the people I avoided for over 12 years would bother me. I thought that I would be safe. I thought people would understand the distress I was enduring. No one did. No one cared. I didn't want sympathy, I wanted understanding. I hide out because it is easier for me than it is to face the reality that my life is not what other people here think it should be. I am okay with this. I am weak here and I know it. It is an issue that I am trying to work through in therapy and something I have been dealing with for 2/3s of my life. It ain't pretty, but it is mine.
I am excited to start over and to be given the opportunity to wipe my slate clean. To be the honest, open, free person I have always wanted to be in a place that accepts this type of behavior.
You see, down South, "crazy people" are simply "characters" and everyone loves a character!
The people here, are not privy to my party.
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