Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I Hate Dating

I want to be set up with someone.  I want that person to come highly recommended, to know that I am an awesome person before they ever meet me for real.  I want that person to have seen me from afar either at an event or in a photo, to have secretly longed for me, to already know my height in heels, to already know my dress size, to already know the dramatic sweep from my waist to my hips...I want to be able to wear my favorite dress and heels on our first date when my set up takes me to his favorite restaurant which is also mine and we share a bottle of wine we both enjoy (I don't drink much, but this is a SPECIAL occasion).

On this date, I want my set up to tell me how happy he is that I agreed to go out with him because he has always imagined this date and how lucky he is to be in my wonderful company.  I want to be set up because it is easy and I am all about instant gratification.

I hate rejection, therefore I hate dating.  I hate putting myself out there for all the world to judge me and to be told I am "too tall, too fat, or too loud."  I have been told I am all of these things by first dates and it is exhausting even though I have thought to myself that these suitors are "too short, too slight and lacking the necessity of shoulders, or too quiet."

I let the negative define my positive.  I am told compliments all the time, I really am.  People tell me that I am pretty, that they like the way I dress and smell, that I am funny, that I could have a reality show, that everyone always asks about me when I am not there...." But, I define myself by the negative, the few nasty comments directed at me and then I make them my absolute.  I then define myself as being "too tall, too fat, or too loud" because some total schmuck who will never know the real me, told me so.....

I am hiding.  I am hiding from my reality.  I am getting older, biggest, lazier, and more insecure because I am listening to my negative and forgetting my positive.  I want to be set up with someone because then I will know that he already likes me and he won't be able to say mean things on the first date.  If I get set top with someone who is already interested then I will have a better chance of not being rejected....this is seriously how my mind works here......this is so not good....

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