The Old Me

Lately, I haven't been doing that much, yet I am exhausted.

It's not from the Spinning classes I am taking nearly every day, or from all of the reading I am doing poolside while I sun my almost psoriasis free skin, or from sending my resume out, or from checking my email obsessively to see about my final website changes.

Finding your old self is hard work.

Since I have moved to Charleston, every day I feel more and more like the person I used to be.  Like the girl I left behind so many years ago.  Funny, I still can't pin point when I let myself go.  When I decided that who I truly am, wasn't good enough.  

Was it in junior high when I was taunted by the boys for being fat?  

Was it in high school when I was left out by the girls I admired?  

Was it in college when I drank too much to overcompensate for feeling lost?

Was in in my mid-twenties when I was too scared to ask for a raise when I deserved one?  

Was it when I dated Awful and lied to myself about what love should be for nearly 3 years?

Was it recently when I paid out of my own pocket for a few of my clients' weddings to avoid confrontation when I knew that they were having major financial issues?

I sometimes wonder when I decided that laying down and playing dead was how I should live my life because I HATE it.  But, confrontation is one of the things in the world that I fear most, so I know that I avoided many situations when I was right to avoid having to stick up for myself.

My mom says it best when she says, "it is the innocent that are made to feel guilty." I have lived this time and time again.

Yet, the decisions I have made: the ugly, the bad, the weak, the brilliantly thought out, well, they have lead me to Crush.  To Charleston.  To my own rebirth.  

So, I don't regret any of them.

Because I know that I learned the lessons for a good life.  

I apologized when I wasn't wrong.  

I coddled crazy.  

I ate lots of humble pie.  

I got my heart broken.  

I broke some one's heart.

I gained and lost and then gained the same 40 pounds a few times over before I realized that I have a food addiction.

I let go of some toxic people in my life.

I rekindled some old friendships that I missed.

And at the end of my journey, I found my soul mate.

Now, I am finding myself.  

Everyday, I am trying to do something I used to like to do.  Cooking, baking, riding my bike, reading a book, taking a swim, strolling quaint streets while I eat an ice cream cone and forget about the time.

Simple pleasures.  Free of anxiety and hatred and drama.  It feels SO good.

I over-think everything.  It is one of my biggest strengths and weaknesses all rolled into one gob of insecurity.

In the near future, I will be Crush's fiance.  I will be getting ready to be some one's wife.  I will be planning a wedding. I don't want to lose myself in the process.  I want to make sure that I stay me. 

Because of my career, I have seen the most sane ladies go CRAZY because of money, greed, weight, indecision, and family drama.  I will not allow myself to fall down this rabbit hole.  I have worked too hard to be happy.  I am preparing myself to enjoy every moment of this bridge between dating and marriage.

Here goes. 

(I am still waiting for my sparkles!  I will keep you posted!)

Me Versus We and Some Wedding Gossip

Manners are my new best friend.

So underrated!

Life is good in Charleston as I have mentioned.  I have been going to the beach and cooking healthy meals.  Vacation hours.  I am enjoying long walks around town and Real Housewives of New Jersey marathons.

Next week, real life begins.  I go to NYC this week to visit Sissy and pick out my bling.  I am also going to a Wiggles concerts with the babies that I am oddly excited for.  Then, it is time to really make Charleston a home and not just a destination, which includes getting a job.

One of the many things that bothered me in Chicago was a me-centric mentality.  The idea that me comes before we.  In Chicago, doors were slammed in my face when I carried heavy bags of groceries, drivers cut me off on icy expressways, young men avoided eye contact while they read their iPhones comfortably seated on busy trains and buses while pregnant and elderly ladies stood, people pushed and shoved to get through crowds at concerts, ballgames, and even on the sidewalk.

In Chicago, I was always one car honk and middle finger away from life.  Just when I was enjoying a little stroll and an iced latte deep in my own thoughts, some schmo would ruin it for me by almost killing me with his scooter while I walked correctly across an intersection.  "I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, ASSHOLE!!!!!"  Oy.

Don't even start with the clients I worked with in Chicago.  And yes, many of them were unbelievably kind and incredibly gracious, but some, well, some just didn't want to pay for their own events.  Somehow, they thought they were entitled to things for free because they were getting married.  These same clients had weddings that WAY exceeded their budgets (declined credit cards and bounced checks...I have seen it all!) and couldn't be convinced to spend realistically for them.  They used their weddings to make them into something they will never be.  Popular.  Liked.  Perhaps even semi-famous for a second.  The Facebook photos were more important than the actual experience. ME ME ME time ALL of the time.  I have met some ladies who are so self-obsessed and narcissistic that they make Kim K and Paris look humble.

I do feel like a person's true character comes out on their wedding day and it ain't always pretty. More to come on that in future posts.

In Charleston, I have noticed that I am sometimes on the defensive unnecessarily. I am waiting to be budged at Starbucks, I am anticipating that someone at Publix will steal my parking spot, I grimace at 4 way stop signs anxious that my turn will be skipped, but it never happens.

There is a we here in Charleston that isn't in Chicago.

In Charleston, a man who worked at the grocery store helped me to my car with my heavy bags, a young hunk in his early 20's gave me his chaise lounger at the pool when no more were left in the sun and then carried another one over from the shady part for himself, a lady at Spinning class brought me a towel when she noticed I didn't have one.  Men stand to meet me.  People let you through when you are being seated by a hostess at a busy restaurant on a Saturday night.  No one pushes or shoves to get to the bar at a concert.

I stand with my fits cocked, yet I never have to use them.

This world we live in, well, we all share it.  It is no more yours than it is mine.  Life can be easy or it can be hard.  In Chicago people take and in Charleston people give.

I know I am generalizing and I know that Charleston is still shiny and new.  There will be a day when I am cut off, shoved, but hopefully not spit on.

Oh yes, a while back in the Windy City, a groom's father, high on cocaine, spit on me and called me a fat cunt.  Because he owed money for a bar tab for a late night party he offered to pay for.  He didn't like the total bill, even though he consumed 8 cocktails himself at 14 dollars a pop.  Bonus detail, he knew how much it would be weeks beforehand and acted like it was no problem, joked at how I was talking money with him because he had so much of it. But, when push came to shove spit, maybe he put the money for the bar up his nose.....I had a feeling something wasn't right in Oz from the beginning.

Now, I trust my instincts.

Well, that is another story for another day.

Time to get real.

I am done being defensive for just being me and I am ready to live in the we.

Life is Good

I am here in Charleston and getting settled.  Learning my way around a bit without the GPS.

Seeing Crush everyday is divine.  Spending time with my family, Crush's family, and both of our families at once is the icing on the cake.

I feel at peace.

My life is going to be even better than I imagined.

The weather, the people, the pace.  It is just what I needed.

I am supposed to be here.  This is my place.  The one I knew was out there, but didn't know how to get to.  And Crush is my person.  My soul mate.  He completes my life.

The drive from Chicago was emotional.  I got my period 2 days into the trip, so I think some was hormonal, but most was relief.  As the miles ticked away, I bawled on repeat every few hours while listening to my favorite CDs, songs about breaking free and starting over.  Something I always dreamt of doing, but didn't have the courage to make a reality.  Well, until now.

As I passed through 7 states, I felt my broken self being glued back together, a teeny tiny peace at a time.  The distance from Chicago has made me whole again.  All of the BS and things that were simply too difficult than they needed to be. It is over.  Done.  I have finality.

I can be the good, sweet, kind, honest, empathetic, and funny person I know I am inside.  My walls have come down.

When I arrived to my new apartment and jumped into Crush's waiting arms, I felt the same way I did when my Dad left me at college 14 falls ago....that the possibilities are endless and I am in control of my destiny.  I haven't felt like this for far too long.

I am on a little vacation right now, no real schedule has been formed, but I have been Spinning everyday and seeing Crush for alone time, too.  My parents depart on Thursday and we have been having fun being roommates again for a few days.

I have been to the beach, I have had some cocktails before 6:00 pm, I have enjoyed lunch on the pier, and a picnic supper in the park.  Tonight, I am going to a concert and my favorite new bar to get a drink.

Life is good.

Actually, it is phenomenal.