Been Too Long, Some Updates

I am alive.  I am very sick with the flu this week (it started with a stomach thing and now I can't swallow and my face hurts and I have a fever) and I want to go outside because it is sunny and I can't move.  I miss blogging.  There is no excuse for my absence.  I am getting busy with my new life here and all that, but there is always time to write, just like how there is always time to do something (doesn't have to be the gym) active.  Here are some updates and SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS, I am on medicine and kinda out of it today.

• CRUSH UPDATE: Crush traveled with me to NYC a few weeks ago for a family event and met a lot of my Dad's side of the family.  They loved him and it felt great to introduce him to many of the "characters" (crazy people) I am related to and observe his reactions.  I smile just thinking about it.  Priceless.  He is now "in" on some of the jokes I have with my sister about my Dad's cousins and I am enjoying our still on-going group texts about the conversations he was cornered into with people who are beyond entertaining and don't even know it. 

• WEDDING UPDATE: Our save-the-dates just went into the mail.  OY.  Getting all of the addresses together was not fun.  It never is.  Our list is epically out of control and my parents (my dad specifically) doesn't want to fight with Crush's parents about the guest list.  My dad is paying for the ENTIRE wedding, well everything other than the rehearsal dinner, and he is being insanely generous.  He had money set aside for my wedding (I am lucky that my parents did truly believe that I would one day get married, even if I didn't ever believe it myself!).  The guilt about how much money he is spending has kept me up a few nights because honestly, I would be happy with a lot less, but the wedding seems very important to Crush's side and their generosity with me has been so unreal that my dad just wants to keep the peace which I agree is a smart thing to do.  Crush's folks pretty much gave Crush and me our new house (Crush technically inherited it and it EVEN comes fully furnished….it needs some work, but still….I am beyond appreciative to have been given a HOME).  You have no idea how many families I have seen become broken (like the 2 sides end up HATING each other) over petty things during the engagement process.  My dad wants to avoid fighting at all costs.  So, currently 350 people are on the guest list.  AND, I have been the one who has cut her list by leaps and bounds and not everyone I want will get a save-the-date.  Also, if I haven't spoken to someone in over 2 years,  I cut them off the list and I am feeling a bit guilty about it, but I also feel weird  inviting people that I don't talk to anymore.  As far as I can control my invites, I really only want the people I love and adore to be at the wedding.  When push comes to shove, having too many people to ask is a good problem to have.  It makes you realize how lucky we (Crush and my families) are. 

• DIET & EXERCISE UPDATE: I started barre (I do a local brand here called Barre Evolution) which is in the same family as Bar Method and Pure Barre and only 8 classes in, I can already see a difference in my body, specifically my arms and thighs.  LOVE IT even though much of the class I flounder on the carpet and trip over my toes at the bar.  It is indeed tough, but that's how you get results. I am down 20 pounds since I moved to Charleston and working out and counting calories is my mission each and every day.  I try to either go to spinning or barre classes as much as my schedule allows because it is crunch time and I am getting married in 8 months!  My binge eating is still an issue, it will always be a daily struggle, but I am conscious of it.  I have my engagement party dress and it is a smidgen too small, but I know that in 2 months (my engagement party is 2 months away….eeeekkkkkk) if I keep doing what I am doing, that it will look great! 

• LIFE & FRIENDS UPDATE: I now have a part-time job and I have a few friends here.  More to come on both of that in another post. 

• ANXIETY & DEPRESSION UPDATE: I realize that my social anxiety is holding me back.  I have this odd issue where I think everyone hates me (for no reason) and my self-deprecating thoughts are not healthy.  I am trying a few new strategies to move past this personal insanity and I am thinking that getting back on Facebook may be a good first step.  I have nothing to hide and I realize that I am limiting my potential to meet new people by being so private.  I wish I lived 100 years ago before computers a lot of the time because I think I would have enjoyed it better.  It's 2014 and I have to embrace socialization and sadly, most of the people I "know" choose to spend the majority of their time socializing online.  If you can't beat them, join them?  

Have a great weekend!

XO,

R&F

Sick, Emotional Eating, Doubt and Other Updates....

I have been just going through the motions this week.....not fun.  Ever since I get back from down south, I have been sick sick sick.  Exhausted, stuffed up, sneezy.  I have allergies now.  I have never had them before.

Sneezing hurts terribly, but the relief I get from a sneeze feels so delicious....very much like popping a zit.  Bring it on.

As for my emotional eating.  It has been out of control.  I looked at the calendar and I realized that in 5 months, I will be moving and I FREAKED OUT.  I am not hungry.  I am filling a hole.  My mouth.  For the first time ever, I bought a few books on emotional eating and I will say, I feel way less alone about it.  For years and years, I thought my eating habits were so shameful, strange, and manic that I was the only person in the world going through a food addiction.  The thing is that I like healthy food and overall, I have pretty good habits: I don't drink alcohol hardly ever (6 drinks or less a month), I don't smoke, I like to workout, I love my fruits and veggies.  It is my own mindset about food that is truly messed up.  I punish myself for eating too much.  I get filled with self hate when I eat something that I didn't even want or plan for.  I become depressed when I have to miss the gym for such things as nursing my cold or meeting with clients.  This isn't working for me.  I have to fix my mind.  I plan on working through it in therapy.  One day at a time.

As for Crush, well, things are a bit ho-hum on that front, but I am getting afraid of something that always seems to creep into my relationships after a while....indifference.  Lately, I just don't have the yearning and passion for Crush that I once did.  Everything he does makes me annoyed and it didn't use to be this way.  You see, I hold a grudge.  Ewww, but I totally do.  When someone hits me in a sensitive spot, I have a hard time recovering and the last trip down, Crush hit me in a spot which made my blood boil (more on this is a moment)...several times actually, and he didn't even realize he was doing it.

I need to figure this out.  I have been super mean to him this last week.  I know it is because I am not feeling well, I am attending a big family event for him this weekend and I am tired of traveling, I am feeling insecure about my weight, and I don't feel up to meeting the hundreds (yes, seriously) of people that I will have to face in a few short days.  I just want to stay in bed and sneeze.  I just want to get into a daily routine.  I just want to sleep.  No one ever said a long-distance relationship was easy...

So, as for my sensitive spot.....Crush doesn't think before he speaks.  He does and says things sometime that make me question his mental state.  I am really harsh, so it is totally possible that I am over-sensitive and insane, I know this.

The 2 things that happened when I visited, both after my friends left, that left me with a very bad taste in my mouth:

1.  He told me we needed to see each other more even though we have seen each other 10 times, with 4 future trips planned (this weekend, in 3 weeks, Memorial weekend, and then 2 weeks after that) and now my busy season starts.  Of those 10 times we have already gotten together: 6 - I have gone to him,  1- We met in the middle, 2 - he came to me.  I have planned every single trip.  Flights, hotels, meals.....I am super sick of it.  When I ask him for input, he acts interested and then never follows up.  So, in reality, I am being sent the message that he is not super interested in planning anything, just seeing me.  Time to be a grownup, Crush.

THE COMMENT PISSED ME OFF!  I work many many weekends and when I do make the time and trip to see him, there is a ton that needs to be done work wise to make it happen.  I am giving up my life here (happily) and moving (to a state and place I love), but still, where is the appreciation?

2.  He did something that scared me.  So much so, that I am having to really reflect on it. It was such a stupid thing to do.  I was driving his car and had been for 2 hours (driving myself to the airport) and 5 minutes from my final destination, Crush takes it upon himself to adjust my seat, WHILE I AM DRIVING.  He pulled the seat adjuster thing and all of a sudden I went flying backwards while going 80 mph on the expressway and my feet no longer touched the petals.  I thought we were going to die.

In those mere seconds, my life flashed before my eyes.  So much so, that one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a while was because I was questioning if I should even share this.  I swerved through traffic and was able to figure out how to slide my seat all the way forward, so I could at least gain control of the car.  In my absolute freak out, I did manage to scream...."WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!??????" and all he could say was "I was trying to help you, you looked uncomfortable, I was trying to help you!!!!!"

Where is the sense?  We could have died.  I am still processing this. Can I have children with a person that would does this?  He knows what he did was stupid.  He said it was "the dumbest thing I ever did" and I want to believe him.  I do.  Because I love him.  He wants to help everyone. All at the same time. It is something I hate about him, but love about him, too.  What is a gal to do?!

It has been keeping me up night after night.