HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!
It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....
SUCCESSES -
1. I am down 13.5 pounds. I am taking it 5 pounds at a time. Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can. Major improvement.
2. My new website is almost done. EXCITED. Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.
3. Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy. That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work. This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall. I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!
STUMBLES -
1. One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed. Basically, taking the power away from the food. I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me. I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some. It was a force that came over me....a routine. I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was. This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.
2. I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush. Like way nicer. I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him. He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole. Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out. I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him. Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too. I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend. I am living it! Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era. On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool. His loss, my gain. Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush. Swoon.
3. I did a bad bad thing. I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it. I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink. I know it. I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations. YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO. But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me. All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady. I think he met his soulmate, too. They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship? I do. But, I also think he is still a huge asshole. It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive. Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay. I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him. I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life). I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa. Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was. I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!). The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message. He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't. It was closure. DONE. I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize. Last few drips of information. If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!
Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!
XXXX,
R&F
Showing posts with label The End. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The End. Show all posts
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Motorcycles, Migraines, and Mania
Motorcycles:
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Circle of Friends
I have a friend that I don't think is my friend anymore.
I am not sure she knows this.
I love my friends deeply, intimately, and fiercely.
In this case, I suddenly realized that over the last few years, I loved and cared about her more than she did about me. I considered her a best friend and she considered me a friend, not even a really good one, perhaps.
Over the last year, we have had limited correspondence and I think she is in a good place for her. I am in a good place for me now, too, but I do believe that she used my living at home as an excuse to not get too involved with me. Like I was a leper or something.
I have never tried to sugarcoat my reality, I know it is weird to some, but I wasn't going to go into debt or stay in an abusive relationship to seem independent. I failed at love with Awful and I came home, not that big of a deal.
Last year really defined who my real friends were. There were a few people who carried me through my darkest times. When tragedy strikes, you learn who really loves you.
Not too long ago, she made me feel really bad about being me. The person who I am now AND the person I once was. It made me very sad. I have always wanted her to love me and I don't think she ever has. More than anything, I know I am difficult, hard to be around for some, and perhaps not her type of friend, but I promise you, we once had a connection.
One night, when I was showing Crush photos of my best friends, she was in a shot from a few years ago. I was quizzing him on the gals and he asked about her and before I knew it, the words, "well, she's not really my friend anymore" fell out of my mouth. To admit it so freely really shocked me. I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Then, I started to bawl.
He asked me why I was crying and I told him about the past year and how I needed so much, perhaps too much from people and some could and some couldn't help me. I told him about how I felt alienated by her even though we live in the same place pretty much.
I didn't even realize how super sad I was about it until I told him and it felt good to acknowledge it, to move on, to admit it.....I wanted to be close to her and she didn't feel the same for me. She rejected my friend advances.
He asked "well, would you invite her to your wedding?" (not that random, I qualify his friends this way and have asked him that question many times when he explains his relationships with people) and I hesitated for a little too long. He replied, "that's a no...and I love you too much to allow you to invite anyone that wouldn't be happy for you."
The truth is that I know in my heart that unless things totally change, she won't be invited to my wedding because I fear that inside she may actually hate me.
Crush then said, "It's okay. People change. She doesn't understand you anymore. You probably don't get her either. Friends come and go, but it's family that you are stuck with. That's why I plan to upgrade you from girlfriend to family someday.....so we don't have to ever wonder what happened to.....?"
And then I fell a little bit more in love with Crush.
I am not sure she knows this.
I love my friends deeply, intimately, and fiercely.
In this case, I suddenly realized that over the last few years, I loved and cared about her more than she did about me. I considered her a best friend and she considered me a friend, not even a really good one, perhaps.
Over the last year, we have had limited correspondence and I think she is in a good place for her. I am in a good place for me now, too, but I do believe that she used my living at home as an excuse to not get too involved with me. Like I was a leper or something.
I have never tried to sugarcoat my reality, I know it is weird to some, but I wasn't going to go into debt or stay in an abusive relationship to seem independent. I failed at love with Awful and I came home, not that big of a deal.
Last year really defined who my real friends were. There were a few people who carried me through my darkest times. When tragedy strikes, you learn who really loves you.
Not too long ago, she made me feel really bad about being me. The person who I am now AND the person I once was. It made me very sad. I have always wanted her to love me and I don't think she ever has. More than anything, I know I am difficult, hard to be around for some, and perhaps not her type of friend, but I promise you, we once had a connection.
One night, when I was showing Crush photos of my best friends, she was in a shot from a few years ago. I was quizzing him on the gals and he asked about her and before I knew it, the words, "well, she's not really my friend anymore" fell out of my mouth. To admit it so freely really shocked me. I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Then, I started to bawl.
He asked me why I was crying and I told him about the past year and how I needed so much, perhaps too much from people and some could and some couldn't help me. I told him about how I felt alienated by her even though we live in the same place pretty much.
I didn't even realize how super sad I was about it until I told him and it felt good to acknowledge it, to move on, to admit it.....I wanted to be close to her and she didn't feel the same for me. She rejected my friend advances.
He asked "well, would you invite her to your wedding?" (not that random, I qualify his friends this way and have asked him that question many times when he explains his relationships with people) and I hesitated for a little too long. He replied, "that's a no...and I love you too much to allow you to invite anyone that wouldn't be happy for you."
The truth is that I know in my heart that unless things totally change, she won't be invited to my wedding because I fear that inside she may actually hate me.
Crush then said, "It's okay. People change. She doesn't understand you anymore. You probably don't get her either. Friends come and go, but it's family that you are stuck with. That's why I plan to upgrade you from girlfriend to family someday.....so we don't have to ever wonder what happened to.....?"
And then I fell a little bit more in love with Crush.
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