A friend I love and care for deeply is going through a little something....a breakup.
IT SUCKS.
I told her this. Time* is the only way to soothe the breakup scorn. I wish there was a better answer for this and we could play a fun 80's song and have a fashion spree/makeover montage and make it all go away in 3 minutes.
* Even 2 YEARS post breakup and I am engaged to my soul mate for heaven's sake, I STILL get angry about the shit that went down with Awful from time to time and cyber stalk him and balk and huff around. I BROKE UP WITH HIM, let's not forget which only adds to my crazy. AND......I think he may have acquired a bulldog which ANNOYS me on EVERY level because that was the dog I WANTED when we were together and he didn't want one. He once again gets to give me a virtual flick off and as hilarious as I find it because he doesn't have an original thought, it enrages me because get your own ideas and own life, Awful. AND, nanananabooboo, I don't even want a bulldog anymore, but I won't tell you the kind of dog we are getting (a cairn terrier) because you will probably outbid the one I put a deposit down for and travel 1,200 miles by motorcycle to screw me over. Yes, I know, I am NOT normal (AT ALL!) and that the world doesn't revolve around me and trying to piss me off. I also realize that only bolding some words which I do when I get excited must be super annoying to read...sorry about that. Oy, the "......" must be annoying, too.
There is nothing I like more than an inspirational quote. I look at Pinterest and Instagram for them and not for wedding ideas which is pretty funny when you think about it. Here are a few things I came up with, a few things I summarized from being influenced by other sayings and a few things that are just common sense (when you think about it and the heart sometimes clouds the mind) that I wanted to share for my AMAZING friend and everyone else who has suffered a breakup. Here we go:
1. Breakups and breakdowns allow for breakthroughs.
2. A person should be measured by the way they make you feel as when it comes to love, that is the only thing that really matters.
3. Life gives you great lessons when you are ready to learn them.
4. Change is terrifying, but it is also extremely exciting. A clean slate is a gift that keeps on giving.
5. So much can happen in a year. Shit, look at me if you really need some proof. And if it can happen for me, it can happen for ANYONE......I am not a precious pony.
6. Make your husband/wife list. Make it! PLEASE. When you are ready. It works. I got everything I wrote on my list....EVERYTHING. And....well, I forgot to wish for clean and tidy, sigh.
7. Getting in shape and buying new makeup and revamping your wardrobe and losing weight are all awesome. But, nothing can really fix the way you feel about yourself externally until you change the way you feel about yourself internally. I tried to lose weight for YEARS before meeting Crush and I am just now able to do it because I feel safe, secure and loved. My fiancé fell in love with me when I was at my absolute heaviest EVER and he still loves me for me. I will get off my pedestal now and stop playing my violin, but true love is about so much more than the way you look. And we are ALL gorgeous, darlings.
8. Reintroduce yourself to a few things that you missed from your life before this relationship ever happened. These things make you happy and ground you and will help you re-identify with who you are as a person.
9. A broken heart is a feeling like no other. It is dark and scary and painful and parched. It is heavy and deep and personal and lonely. Trite as it is, the thin line between love and hate can be microscopic. You will feel crazy. You will feel FUCKING PISSED. You will eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much. But, you WILL FEEL. And feeling emotion is this amazing thing that people can do. You will forever really understand what all of the sad songs, movies and poems about love are all about. You will be moved. And your outlook about what you deserve and who you allow yourself to date will change because you will have learned (sometimes it takes a few tries to get this one down......I liked to date alcohol and food abusers until I realized that 2 peas in a pod may make a party, but not a functioning relationship).
10. Do not apologize for the person that you are. Only apologize for the stupidity of the person you were once with because they could not appreciate all of your gifts. For example, "I am sorry, but you will NEVER do better than me." Oh yes, and sometimes a simple, "FUCK YOU!!!!" can be very effective, too.
When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and if you are too depressed for a little while to get the motivation to mix them with water and sugar, I highly recommend sipping on some Limoncello to take the edge off.
XXXXX,
R&F
Showing posts with label Awful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Awful. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Can't Find a Better Man
The other day, I was at my 6:00 am Spinning class and Better Man by Pearl Jam came on. Highly focused on my workout at hand, a steep hill climb, I zoned in on the lyrics and really listened to the words for the first time ever (and then I ugly cried, but passed it off as workout sweat):
Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Oh
Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah
She loved him, yeah, she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah, that's why she'll be back again
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Oh
Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah
She loved him, yeah, she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah, that's why she'll be back again
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
I lived this. I lived this song. I was in a horribly abusive relationship and I escaped. Sometimes when I lay in bed with Crush and doze off, I thank my lucky stars that I am lying in bed with him and not with Awful. I found a better man.
I know everyone out there must be SICK and TIRED of hearing about Awful and hell, I am sick of writing about it, too. But, I see my breakup with Awful as my rebirth. I try to lock those memories in a safe and keep them tucked in a storage closet, but once in a while, they creep out.
When I found the strength to get out of that relationship, my world opened up and changed for the better. I don't think I can ever truly explain how hard it was for me to dump him. I still sometimes think of myself in amazement because I actually did it. I walked away to save myself. I actually did it. I gave up a lot to break free: my Independence, some friends and my old job.
When I found the strength to get out of that relationship, my world opened up and changed for the better. I don't think I can ever truly explain how hard it was for me to dump him. I still sometimes think of myself in amazement because I actually did it. I walked away to save myself. I actually did it. I gave up a lot to break free: my Independence, some friends and my old job.
Awful was married a few months ago. He used to tell me that he needed time to get to know me before he could propose to me. He had married his ex-wife mere months after meeting her and created a rule that we needed to date for at least 2 years before even thinking about marriage. I held out for over 2 years. A proposal was no where in sight for us ever. He married his current wife less than 10 months after they first met.
I looked at Awful's wedding photos. I know I shouldn't have, but once I started, I couldn't stop. It was like opening Pandora's Box or taking a bite out of forbidden fruit. I had actually initially introduced Awful to the wedding photographer he used, so even seeing that they were still friends made me realize how far my life has come in terms of social relationships.
Well, I bawled when I looked at those wedding photos. Not because I was jealous or missing Awful, but because I am sad for his bride. I can already see some sadness in her eyes, the same sadness I can see in my own when I glance at snap shots from when we were together. I turned ugly on the inside and outside when I was with Awful. An abusive man will do that to you. My mom tells me straight out, "you are getting your looks back now, they went far away when you were with Awful." She's right. Weight aside, my soul was suffocated for a while and I couldn't even smile though the pain after a time. It showed on every inch of my face.
I truly believe that Awful will get divorced. If his wife can find the strength to leave him. His first wife left him and ran home to her family in another state and I left him almost the same way, fleeing for my life. I was hanging on by a very small thread, I was deeply depressed by the time I made it home to my childhood bed.
The basic fact is that Awful is a very bad person who lies and manipulates others to meander through life. Once I figured it out, I was shocked. He comes across as this harmless warm and giving person, but inside he is full of venom and spite.
The clairvoyant who hasn't been wrong about anything yet, told me that Awful would marry first and that he would get divorced again. That he would marry quickly to prove to me that he actually believes in marriage. I STILL don't think he really does regardless of his marital status.
I struggle with the notion that some one's garbage can be someone else's diamond when it comes to a mate. I do believe in compatibility, morals, values, attraction, commonalities and all that other jazz in terms of what makes a relationship tick. That there is someone for everyone. A lid for every pot. But, I also think that if a person is a bad person, just rotten to their core (which I now believe Awful to be), then nothing can make any relationship (friend, lover, colleague) they are in work because they cannot be true. Everything Awful does is tainted and calculated. Bad people make even worse relationships.
And I am not bitter that Awful didn't want to marry me. Which is clear. He married someone else quickly and had been married before, so he knows how to take his little frame up and down an aisle.
I am sad.
And that is why I feel. I feel for her deeply. For Awful's new wife. I would extend her my deepest condolences if I could because I know when she said "I do" some of her died. He is a soul crushing person. He goes for the weak. I was so weak when we started dated and as the years passed, I found my inner strength, my boldness, because the options for me were to leave or to find a much more permanent way out.
Since I have gotten engaged to the love of my life, I feel this peace and safety that I never knew existed. So this is what TRUE love is all about!?! I can't believe I ever confused anything else with what I am feeling now. My past relationships have been a super cheap imitation of what love should be. Of what I am finally getting to experience now for the first time in my life.
I actually pray that she will find her way out. That she has a family like mine that she can run to. That she has friends like mine that she can cry to. That she has the strength to not allow a man to say degrading things to her or put a hand on her in a fit of rage or do things with her body that she doesn't feel totally comfortable doing.
I don't know much about her, but I am pretty sure that she, too, can find a better man.
I truly believe that Awful will get divorced. If his wife can find the strength to leave him. His first wife left him and ran home to her family in another state and I left him almost the same way, fleeing for my life. I was hanging on by a very small thread, I was deeply depressed by the time I made it home to my childhood bed.
The basic fact is that Awful is a very bad person who lies and manipulates others to meander through life. Once I figured it out, I was shocked. He comes across as this harmless warm and giving person, but inside he is full of venom and spite.
The clairvoyant who hasn't been wrong about anything yet, told me that Awful would marry first and that he would get divorced again. That he would marry quickly to prove to me that he actually believes in marriage. I STILL don't think he really does regardless of his marital status.
I struggle with the notion that some one's garbage can be someone else's diamond when it comes to a mate. I do believe in compatibility, morals, values, attraction, commonalities and all that other jazz in terms of what makes a relationship tick. That there is someone for everyone. A lid for every pot. But, I also think that if a person is a bad person, just rotten to their core (which I now believe Awful to be), then nothing can make any relationship (friend, lover, colleague) they are in work because they cannot be true. Everything Awful does is tainted and calculated. Bad people make even worse relationships.
And I am not bitter that Awful didn't want to marry me. Which is clear. He married someone else quickly and had been married before, so he knows how to take his little frame up and down an aisle.
I am sad.
And that is why I feel. I feel for her deeply. For Awful's new wife. I would extend her my deepest condolences if I could because I know when she said "I do" some of her died. He is a soul crushing person. He goes for the weak. I was so weak when we started dated and as the years passed, I found my inner strength, my boldness, because the options for me were to leave or to find a much more permanent way out.
Since I have gotten engaged to the love of my life, I feel this peace and safety that I never knew existed. So this is what TRUE love is all about!?! I can't believe I ever confused anything else with what I am feeling now. My past relationships have been a super cheap imitation of what love should be. Of what I am finally getting to experience now for the first time in my life.
I actually pray that she will find her way out. That she has a family like mine that she can run to. That she has friends like mine that she can cry to. That she has the strength to not allow a man to say degrading things to her or put a hand on her in a fit of rage or do things with her body that she doesn't feel totally comfortable doing.
I don't know much about her, but I am pretty sure that she, too, can find a better man.
Monday, August 26, 2013
SCOOT Off!
I cannot believe I am getting so close to moving down South. All of a sudden this weekend, I really thought about it and I started freaking out. I had a mini anxiety attack prompted by 2 things, 1 involving a scooter:
1. Crush asked me what we would be doing for Thanksgiving and I thought THANKSGIVING!!!! I have so much to do before then and then I panicked....I seriously got into bed with some popcorn and Netflix and hid under the covers for a few hours. The thing is that I have NO idea what I will be doing for T-Day. I may have to work considering my new job could call for it (I worked Tday early on in my career when I worked at a hotel). Then, I realized that I won't be hanging out with my parents all of the time which is a beautiful thing, actually. I am just so used to them these days that I started to miss them already. Codependency at its finest and not normal. Never claimed I was. I have turned into a 32 year woman-child. It shocks me considering I was begging to go to overnight camp for 8 weeks when I was 9. I love my folks, but I did once stand on my own 2 feet....time to get out of the nest.
2. I saw Awful (I KNOW, I KNOW....I MUST leave this city ASAP as WHY OH WHY DO I KEEP SEEING MY EX?!?!?) riding a new scooter with a sidecar while I was taking a client to an appointment. The very scooter and sidecar that I once joked that I thought was awesome and silly and that I could ride in because I didn't love riding on a scooter (more to come on that here in the following sentences). Bonus, his fiance was riding my old scooter. A scooter that Awful bought me for Hanukkah our second holiday season together. A scooter I was never fully invested in myself because it scared me and because my parents didn't approve.
I know, I know, I defer to my parents sometimes, but hear me out. My mom got into a motorcycle accident on her honeymoon and broke both of her legs, shattered her knees, and broke her right hip. It left her disabled (she has had arthritis since she was a little girl, so it made her bad legs worse) and all of my life, my parents asked that I never ride a motored 2 wheeled vehicle and I obeyed them until I met Awful...a man OBSESSED with things that go fast and have less than 4 wheels.
I always felt that Awful wanted to sway me against my parents and take "his side" when it came to the motorcycle and scooter riding. I know it sounds silly, but he was very jealous like that. He wanted to control me and knew that I also wanted to make my parents happy, so it was a really messed up triangle. He didn't like when I saw my folks, spoke to them, or took their feelings into account. It was all sorts of CRAZY considering that he couldn't have been further up either of his parents asses and saw them almost weekly (and they lived over 3 hours away and spent the night at his place at least 1 weekend a month). He spoke to his mother multiple times a day, so it wasn't like he was this strong independent man free of parental control. It was just that he thought he was always right and his way was "the way."
When I sensed he may be buying me a scooter, I remember telling him "as much as it seems fun and I like how they look (they are so cute!), I really can't do that to my parents." 2 weeks later, there was a shiny (and adorable!!!) red scooter waiting for me when I returned home from work one freezing December evening. I remember thinking "FUCK!!!!! I love this, but I can't ride it...." I felt super conflicted. The scooter is the perfect metaphor of our relationship....this love/hate - push/pull.
I am annoyed that he found someone to scoot with. I know finding a scooter partner must have been important to him. When I first started dating Awful, he was very caught up in all of the things his ex-wife wouldn't or couldn't do. I am sure he tells his fiancé about all about my shortcomings (from his perspective and only according to him), too. "You wouldn't believe Ready and Fading! She wouldn't even ride the $5,000 scooter I bought her because her mom once fell off of one. What a baby, she is so weak." (SIDENOTE: Awful loved to add value on to things to exaggerate, the scooter was about 3 grand and as I shared earlier, my mom's accident wasn't minor.)
I am just sad (and in many ways, amused.....) that she has to ride my Hanukkah present from 2010. I am sure that she has no idea that it was mine first, he isn't a truth teller.......but, there was a slight twinge of satisfaction as I saw her wobbling by on it. The truth is that as gorgeous as the scooter was, it was a bitch to ride and very heavy for a girl to master. Not surprising since he bought it for himself, really. He loved riding it and when I dumped him the first thing he screamed was, "YOU CANNOT HAVE THE SCOOTER, IT IS MINE!!!!"
SO WHY DOES THIS PISS ME OFF? Well, because on a beautiful Sunday I am working and he is having fun scooting. I guess I realize that I don't want him to be happy, really. I know, big confession there. I want him to be fat, miserable, weak, and alone. I want bad for him as much as I want good for me.
I just want to be able to enjoy my life without having to see him. Seeing him brings back so much pain for me. There is no love there, but there is still a burning hate. I want to be over it all. I want the past to be all in the past as I know it is, BUT I hate seeing him ALL OF THE TIME!
I can't wait to leave this place! A city where THE WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS EVER are out on the town, riding Stellas and killing my mood.
A few more short weeks and I will never be haunted by the real life ghost of Awful.
That in itself is worth passing up on all of the adorable scooters in the world.
1. Crush asked me what we would be doing for Thanksgiving and I thought THANKSGIVING!!!! I have so much to do before then and then I panicked....I seriously got into bed with some popcorn and Netflix and hid under the covers for a few hours. The thing is that I have NO idea what I will be doing for T-Day. I may have to work considering my new job could call for it (I worked Tday early on in my career when I worked at a hotel). Then, I realized that I won't be hanging out with my parents all of the time which is a beautiful thing, actually. I am just so used to them these days that I started to miss them already. Codependency at its finest and not normal. Never claimed I was. I have turned into a 32 year woman-child. It shocks me considering I was begging to go to overnight camp for 8 weeks when I was 9. I love my folks, but I did once stand on my own 2 feet....time to get out of the nest.
2. I saw Awful (I KNOW, I KNOW....I MUST leave this city ASAP as WHY OH WHY DO I KEEP SEEING MY EX?!?!?) riding a new scooter with a sidecar while I was taking a client to an appointment. The very scooter and sidecar that I once joked that I thought was awesome and silly and that I could ride in because I didn't love riding on a scooter (more to come on that here in the following sentences). Bonus, his fiance was riding my old scooter. A scooter that Awful bought me for Hanukkah our second holiday season together. A scooter I was never fully invested in myself because it scared me and because my parents didn't approve.
I know, I know, I defer to my parents sometimes, but hear me out. My mom got into a motorcycle accident on her honeymoon and broke both of her legs, shattered her knees, and broke her right hip. It left her disabled (she has had arthritis since she was a little girl, so it made her bad legs worse) and all of my life, my parents asked that I never ride a motored 2 wheeled vehicle and I obeyed them until I met Awful...a man OBSESSED with things that go fast and have less than 4 wheels.
I always felt that Awful wanted to sway me against my parents and take "his side" when it came to the motorcycle and scooter riding. I know it sounds silly, but he was very jealous like that. He wanted to control me and knew that I also wanted to make my parents happy, so it was a really messed up triangle. He didn't like when I saw my folks, spoke to them, or took their feelings into account. It was all sorts of CRAZY considering that he couldn't have been further up either of his parents asses and saw them almost weekly (and they lived over 3 hours away and spent the night at his place at least 1 weekend a month). He spoke to his mother multiple times a day, so it wasn't like he was this strong independent man free of parental control. It was just that he thought he was always right and his way was "the way."
When I sensed he may be buying me a scooter, I remember telling him "as much as it seems fun and I like how they look (they are so cute!), I really can't do that to my parents." 2 weeks later, there was a shiny (and adorable!!!) red scooter waiting for me when I returned home from work one freezing December evening. I remember thinking "FUCK!!!!! I love this, but I can't ride it...." I felt super conflicted. The scooter is the perfect metaphor of our relationship....this love/hate - push/pull.
I am annoyed that he found someone to scoot with. I know finding a scooter partner must have been important to him. When I first started dating Awful, he was very caught up in all of the things his ex-wife wouldn't or couldn't do. I am sure he tells his fiancé about all about my shortcomings (from his perspective and only according to him), too. "You wouldn't believe Ready and Fading! She wouldn't even ride the $5,000 scooter I bought her because her mom once fell off of one. What a baby, she is so weak." (SIDENOTE: Awful loved to add value on to things to exaggerate, the scooter was about 3 grand and as I shared earlier, my mom's accident wasn't minor.)
I am just sad (and in many ways, amused.....) that she has to ride my Hanukkah present from 2010. I am sure that she has no idea that it was mine first, he isn't a truth teller.......but, there was a slight twinge of satisfaction as I saw her wobbling by on it. The truth is that as gorgeous as the scooter was, it was a bitch to ride and very heavy for a girl to master. Not surprising since he bought it for himself, really. He loved riding it and when I dumped him the first thing he screamed was, "YOU CANNOT HAVE THE SCOOTER, IT IS MINE!!!!"
SO WHY DOES THIS PISS ME OFF? Well, because on a beautiful Sunday I am working and he is having fun scooting. I guess I realize that I don't want him to be happy, really. I know, big confession there. I want him to be fat, miserable, weak, and alone. I want bad for him as much as I want good for me.
I just want to be able to enjoy my life without having to see him. Seeing him brings back so much pain for me. There is no love there, but there is still a burning hate. I want to be over it all. I want the past to be all in the past as I know it is, BUT I hate seeing him ALL OF THE TIME!
I can't wait to leave this place! A city where THE WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS EVER are out on the town, riding Stellas and killing my mood.
A few more short weeks and I will never be haunted by the real life ghost of Awful.
That in itself is worth passing up on all of the adorable scooters in the world.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Successes & Stumbles
HAPPY THURSDAY!!!!
It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....
SUCCESSES -
1. I am down 13.5 pounds. I am taking it 5 pounds at a time. Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can. Major improvement.
2. My new website is almost done. EXCITED. Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.
3. Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy. That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work. This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall. I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!
STUMBLES -
1. One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed. Basically, taking the power away from the food. I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me. I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some. It was a force that came over me....a routine. I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was. This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.
2. I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush. Like way nicer. I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him. He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole. Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out. I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him. Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too. I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend. I am living it! Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era. On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool. His loss, my gain. Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush. Swoon.
3. I did a bad bad thing. I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it. I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink. I know it. I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations. YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO. But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me. All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady. I think he met his soulmate, too. They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship? I do. But, I also think he is still a huge asshole. It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive. Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay. I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him. I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life). I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa. Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was. I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!). The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message. He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't. It was closure. DONE. I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize. Last few drips of information. If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!
Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!
XXXX,
R&F
It has been busy around here, but things are moving right along....
SUCCESSES -
1. I am down 13.5 pounds. I am taking it 5 pounds at a time. Little by little and it is not as daunting as I thought it would be. I am eating everything I want in moderation, I am exercising often (4-5 times a week), and I am using the tools I have been learning in therapy to manage my binge eating as best as I can. Major improvement.
2. My new website is almost done. EXCITED. Just a few more tweaks, but then it will be up.
3. Work-wise, things have been going well, even though I decided that everyone is a bit crazy. That being said, I have surprised myself lately because I have been able to separate my work and the client based drama that negatively influences my work. This year, all of my failures were mostly derived by a family member who was stirring the pot and then I would take the fall. I have taught myself to stay above and out of the drama and overall, the results have been positive. Yes, I still get blamed for things that are not my fault and yes, there are still opinions that I did or didn't do something that I should or shouldn't have done, but I defer to my client and ONLY my client. Btw, I cannot wait to share more about my almost former job here....there are stories, stories, stories!!!!!
STUMBLES -
1. One of my challenges for my eating therapy was to eat a trigger food and see what happens...the thought process behind it is that no food is bad or scary and that with the right steps forward everything can be enjoyed. Basically, taking the power away from the food. I tried with Wheat Thins this week, a MAJOR trigger food for me. I binged (nothing major, but definitely mindless eating) both times after I ate some. It was a force that came over me....a routine. I did what my body felt like it should do and binge it was. This is something I am to try once a month and I can't wait for the day when those stupid crackers lose.
2. I realized that I need to be nicer to Crush. Like way nicer. I am sometimes an absolute jerk to him. He deserves and responds well to kindness and I know this and then I still act like an asshole. Crush and I tell each other everything....so, I told him Awful was engaged the minute after I found out. I admitted that I was a bit sad, but happy for him. Crush's ex-fiance is in a very serious relationship and we have heard, that she will be engaged soon, too. I do believe that after a super serious relationship that doesn't work out, often people marry their next boyfriend or girlfriend. I am living it! Crush was a bit emotional about his ex a few weeks ago, for the same reasons I was about Awful, the end of an era. On Monday, mere hours after I found out about Awful's pending wedding, I received a beautiful bouquet from my boyfriend with a lovely note, "Anyone that doesn't want to marry you is a fool. His loss, my gain. Love you so and get down here already!" - Crush. Swoon.
3. I did a bad bad thing. I know you all will throw sticks at me and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did it, so I am going to own it. I have an impulse control issue....food, what I say, how I used to drink. I know it. I do discuss it in therapy because it's clearly a problem.....but, well, I emailed Awful with my congratulations. YELL AT ME IF YOU NEED TO. But, well, the truth is that I am pretty hard to find these days and I know Awful has been asking about me. All of a sudden, I realized that it isn't because he still has feelings for me, it is because he knows that he hurt me and now he is getting married so soon, less than a year after he met his lady. I think he met his soulmate, too. They seem super happy. Do I think he learned from our relationship? I do. But, I also think he is still a huge asshole. It just seems like his new fiance is so different than me and his ex-wife, so I see that as a positive. Change. I still feel bad for new fiance as dealing with Awful is a FULL TIME JOB! I think Awful was asking about me to make sure I am okay. I went to therapy on Tuesday and I spent too much of my appointment chatting about him. I came to the realization that I am indeed happy for him and I am also going to be careful about who I share myself with and what news I decide to share about my life (not here, in real life). I can't trust anything anyone says about Awful to me and vice-versa. Not, because the source is faulty, because no one really knows what exactly transpired between us and how long and drawn out and emotional the breakup was. I didn't want there to be any hearsay about how I reacted about his engagement (which was chill) and I wanted him to know that I am fine and that I am happy for him (because I am, but mostly I am relieved!). The door will never open back up on this and I know I seem insane and I know I could have been stronger, but I am sick of other people controlling my message. He hasn't emailed back and I know he won't. It was closure. DONE. I know you all must be sick about hearing about Awful and I apologize. Last few drips of information. If I was a reader....my thoughts would be"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND ALREADY CRAZY PANTS!!!!!!".....noted!
Have a great week and I will back in full detail after the weekend....lots of work, but next week slows down!!!!
XXXX,
R&F
Monday, July 29, 2013
One Last Post About This....I Promise..but, Awful is ENGAGED!
I feel so childish even admitting this all and writing this post, but I can't deny my feelings. Here goes....
Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.
He got engaged a few months ago.
I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.
I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears. Work comes first. Especially with my move coming. Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT! I am hitting my stride again. I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.
I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents. My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.
I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.
My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time. Lately, I been thinking about him a lot, too. Our relationship really didn't have an end. I told him to leave me alone and he did. He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him. There is still some goodness in him. It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.
I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.
Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met. He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met. He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon. He openly shared this with my family, my friends. He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."
Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?! He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September. Yes, THIS September. I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.
There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant. There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.
If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.
I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him. Every other time I tried, he made me stay. I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.
Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected. Yes, I dumped him. Yes, I hate him. Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year. I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me. Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.
I am embarrassed. That's it. He fits better with his new gal. We were a bad match. I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me. Adore me. I am pathetic sometimes.
I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon. It worked out for all of us. Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too. Happy endings for everyone.
Did I secretly wish that I would be married first? Sure I did. I am competitive and stupid once in a while.
True love isn't a race. I know this.
I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to. Now, I feel safe again. His engagement protects me. I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him. Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.
The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.
He was single.
Now, he will be married in a few weeks.
Things can change so fast.
Since I am not on Facebook and I no one wanted to tell me the news, I am the LAST to know that Awful is engaged.
He got engaged a few months ago.
I am glad I did not have to process it in real time.
I was told about it in the midst of working and I didn't allow myself to think it through fully just in case I became too upset to pass it off as happy tears. Work comes first. Especially with my move coming. Good current recommendations have been ample these last few weeks. WHOOT! I am hitting my stride again. I am proud of myself for getting back up after I was a bit beat down.
I mulled over the development silently all day yesterday, but I did share the news with Sissy and my parents. My father (who likes Awful as a person, but hated him as my boyfriend) was beyond happy....."This news just made my day, now he is officially gone!" and then he literally skipped around......I actually share many of the same feelings as my Dad.
I gave myself permission to cry, but no tears ever came.
My friend who told me and is still connected to him through her husband says he asks about me all the time. Lately, I been thinking about him a lot, too. Our relationship really didn't have an end. I told him to leave me alone and he did. He he bad and dark, but this last year, I have seen so much worse than him. There is still some goodness in him. It was there when I dated him and it hasn't gone away.
I hate him most for not wanting to marry me for not wanting to let me go either.
Awful was married for less than 2 years before we ever met. He got engaged to his ex-wife less than 8 months after they met. He was adamant that he couldn't propose to me until we really knew each other because he proposed to his ex-wife so soon. He openly shared this with my family, my friends. He would tell me, "I just can't make another mistake and marry so soon, I didn't even know my ex-wife and then I was legally bound to her....."
Well, I figured he had a girlfriend, but a fiancé......?!?!?!?! He has been dating his fiance less time than I have been dating Crush....I think 7-8 months and he will be married in September. Yes, THIS September. I wonder if it is her second wedding, too. Just a few months to plan a wedding makes me think it will be a small affair.
There is a part of me that feels that she could be pregnant. There is another part of me that thinks that he is afraid of being alone..."abandoned" as he calls it, so he jumped and put a ring on it quickly, to make sure he won't be left again.
If there is one thing that Awful hates, it is being alone.
I knew this and it is one of the reasons I jumped shipped, moved out in the middle of the day without warning when I broke up with him. Every other time I tried, he made me stay. I couldn't escape his pull when he was there, so I needed to do it by myself and for myself.
Most of all, I am feeling a bit rejected. Yes, I dumped him. Yes, I hate him. Yes, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I know this all seems silly and stupid and very entitled to even care, but the truth is that it still hurts to know that he needed two plus years with me to "figure it out" and he can propose to someone new and get married in less than a year. I pains me to know that he loves someone so much more than he ever loved me. Even though I am living this now with Crush, so I get it.
I am embarrassed. That's it. He fits better with his new gal. We were a bad match. I know this. Even though it is impossible and I am being junior high........I just want everyone to love me. Adore me. I am pathetic sometimes.
I get that I have a wonderful relationship with Crush and I may be engaged soon. It worked out for all of us. Crush and I think that Crush's ex may be engaged, too. Happy endings for everyone.
Did I secretly wish that I would be married first? Sure I did. I am competitive and stupid once in a while.
True love isn't a race. I know this.
I have been avoiding Awful like the plague, missing parties and events I fear he could be at, skipping restaurants and places we shared that I introduced him to. Now, I feel safe again. His engagement protects me. I can visit some significant places that I love and not worry too much about seeing him. Clearly, he is doing fine and has moved way way way on.
The last time Awful and I corresponded was over a year ago.
He was single.
Now, he will be married in a few weeks.
Things can change so fast.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Facebook Feelings
As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of Facebook. It the midst of moving back home and hitting rock bottom, I deactivated my account because it was too much for me to handle. I was jealous of everyone's life (again with the jealousy...oy!) and their good fortune. Facebook made me even more insecure, bitter, and depressed.
Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame. From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet. Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out! Dying a slow death like Myspace.
Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does. He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating. He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.
BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)
Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile. I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos. He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him). Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree. I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.
In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend. Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook. He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....
SIDE NOTE: So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone? They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking!
So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status. And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn. Then, Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.
Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone. I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.
BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me. I felt like it wasn't truly our business. That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.
A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.
My feeling on all this is pretty simple. I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to. I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need. For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal. I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.
I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant. That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't. 12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.
I find it all to be exhausting. I know it isn't healthy for me. Especially for my anxiety.
I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.
I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view. He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!). He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.
I know my feelings about FB are not the majority. If I could handle it, I would partake, too.
I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.
Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame. From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet. Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out! Dying a slow death like Myspace.
Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does. He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating. He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.
BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)
Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile. I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos. He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him). Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree. I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.
In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend. Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook. He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....
SIDE NOTE: So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone? They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking!
So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status. And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn. Then, Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.
Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone. I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.
BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me. I felt like it wasn't truly our business. That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.
A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.
My feeling on all this is pretty simple. I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to. I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need. For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal. I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.
I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant. That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't. 12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.
I find it all to be exhausting. I know it isn't healthy for me. Especially for my anxiety.
I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.
I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view. He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!). He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.
I know my feelings about FB are not the majority. If I could handle it, I would partake, too.
I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Motorcycles, Migraines, and Mania
Motorcycles:
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Bossy Pants
Happy Friday out there!
I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired. A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!
But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.
Yes, I am bossy.
I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader. I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.
I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY! I always sorta knew it.
Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)
So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!
I KNOW I KNOW. What is wrong with me?
I guess, I just need to feel control. There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him. I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go. I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.
I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it. I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.
And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience. Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....
I am over Awful. I never really loved him. I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure. But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!
While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice. My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above." Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring. Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.
I have to admit something. I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday. I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same. On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally. I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful. And these pounds are still on me. And until they drop off, the past is, too. It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes. I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"
And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful. I learned a lot. Reflection and hindsight is cleansing. But, I don't think we had the best closure. I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future. I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!
Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness. Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal. Too literal.
My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG. From the mouth of moms!
So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants. It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......
As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......
"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand. You need that."
And she is right (duh!). I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.
I have so many things to post about...I couldn't decide what.....I love days like this when I am feeling inspired. A few posts I am currently working on: the time I "sold" vacuum cleaners in college, how I was pranked by a former client earlier this week, a new summer smoothie recipe, and an ode to my Sissy who is seriously the best and is now potty training Big Baby (who had an accident this morning which involved a #2 rolling down the stairs), so she gets extra props!
But, today on this sunny Friday, I wanted to talk about another thing I am working on....my bossiness.
Yes, I am bossy.
I am really insecure, although there is a part of me that has always been a natural born leader. I think because I have always been a tall gal, in school, I was treated as more mature and people never believed I was the age I really was (they always thought I was way older), so I developed a maturity beyond my years.
I remember being at a party in college and the song "Bossy" by Kelis came on and a bunch of my friends turned to me and started singing it.....it clicked....I AM BOSSY! I always sorta knew it.
Well, as I have gotten older and my confidence has weaned a ton, I am no longer that bossy.....I just have this fear to really speak my mind and if I did it all the time (or if I drank all the time and the truth just fell out of my mouth like it used to to college)....well, I would be super paranoid and I really need to work on just owning my feelings and not caring what other people think about me (note for my therapist who I shared this blog with!)
So, well, there is only 1 person who I feel compelled to really boss around...You know who it is....ironically my soul mate and the very same person who treats me like a princess...Crush!
I KNOW I KNOW. What is wrong with me?
I guess, I just need to feel control. There is a part of me that craves knowing that someone would do anything for me and I test him. I find myself picking a fight with Crush about every 2 weeks, or really overreacting about stupid stuff he does and then not letting it go. I know this is bad and I am sharing this because I need to stop doing it.
I spent a lot of last night tossing and turning in bed thinking about it. I then continued to think about it this morning during my workout.....the conclusion I came to is actually pretty simple and something I already knew....I simply do not trust men.
And I have my own personal reasons because of my own life experience. Let's see.....I dated a sociopath I found in bed with someone, I dated a man who didn't want to be seen with me in public until I lost 30 pounds, and then there was Awful....a man who promised me the world and couldn't come through with anything......and that well, on the most basic level, he didn't want to marry me....
I am over Awful. I never really loved him. I just associate him with the beginning of the worst phase of my life and the starting line of the last 4 years of my somewhat failure. But, I like to pass blame, the same way I like to hold a grudge...again, I am working on some things in great detail!
While I was away last week down South....my parents, Crush, and I were enjoying some ice cream at the beach (I know, things could be worse!) and a man who looked a lot like Awful (aka short and rotund) drove by on a large motorcycle (Awful was OBSESSED with motorcycles) twice. My mother, the mature ladylike creature she is, burst out laughing without restraint for 3 minutes straight, before announcing that "that little man on the motorcycle reminds me so much of someone...I feel like it was a sign from above." Everyone at the table including Crush knew just who she was referring to....Crush loves when I tell him how Awful and I would fight on the regular about Awful's motorcycle obsession (4 at 1 point in the small garage and to be fair 1 of those was a scooter for me that I couldn't ride and he really loved which was indeed adorable...not him the scooter), especially because he would tell me that he couldn't afford a ring. Funny and sad all at the same.....as life sometimes is.
I have to admit something. I am over Awful, but the thought of that relationship and the pain it caused me is something that haunts me everyday. I know because of that relationship, I will never be the same. On a superficial level, I think it is because I am still carrying the weight of our relationship around, literally. I gained most of the weight I cannot lose while I dated Awful. And these pounds are still on me. And until they drop off, the past is, too. It is something I think about when I pass up on a treat I am craving for emotional purposes. I am finding willpower through the thought that I "want to become who I was before Awful...and that means less of me"
And I am okay with all this because I am a better person because I dated Awful. I learned a lot. Reflection and hindsight is cleansing. But, I don't think we had the best closure. I emailed him to leave me alone (and when I read I now, I cringe because I was still in so much pain....but, the good news is that he has indeed left me alone!) and he thinks I owe him money (which I actually do intend to pay him eventually when I am married and living outside of the Midwest because I want him to go away forever and shhhh....I want to send him some correspondence with my married name as immature as that may be) because I just don't want to bring the past into my present and future. I believe that a lot of my current anxiety is because I am wrapping up the past in my heart and reflecting on my coping mechanisms....bossy being one of them and let's not even get back into the food on this happy Friday!
Crush doesn't deserve my bossiness. Yes, he frustrates me and he drives me bonkers and he says things he sometimes doesn't mean and he doubts my sincerity sometimes because I like to joke and can be dry and did send him a 4 carat ring I like (that is the same cut as the 1 I do want) and titled the email as "Nice ring, but 2 carats too shy of what I dreamed about all of my life since I was a little girl while I twirled in the mirror wearing my great-grandmother's wedding dress" and it was a joke joke joke (NEVER DID THAT WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND I WAVER BACK AND FORTH ON EVERYTHING WEDDING RELATED WHEN IT PERTAINS TO ME AND CARAT SIZE IS IRRELEVANT TO ME), but Crush love is literal. Too literal.
My favorite part of the entire meet the parents weekend was when my mom, deep into her pinot grigio, told my man, "we are so lucky to have you, I love you, you are the best, BUT lighten up!" OMG. From the mouth of moms!
So, as I chill the hell out and get the hell out of here, I don't want to be a bossy pants. It isn't an identity as much as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel sick and bad whenever I partake......
As Smartie Best Friend let me know after I shared my "promise ring" news......
"I love Crush because he never plays games with you and let's you know where you stand. You need that."
And she is right (duh!). I don't need to be bossy with this 1 because we are on the same page...now we just need to be in the same city permanently.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Two Signs....PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME A THIRD!!!!
I have always believed that signs come in 3's.
I have received 2 signs thus far and I am not looking forward to the third.
But, I am preparing myself mentality for the possibility......
This weekend, I attended a charity event with my mom for a wonderful organization that a dear vendor friend of mine sits on the board for. As we were collecting our place cards, I saw Awful's name on an uncollected place card and my heart starting beating a mile a minute...."Mooooommmmm......look, SHIT!!!! What if we see him?????? OH NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mom, do you think it is him?????"
She reassured me that Awful has a super common name and not to get all worried. If we saw him, we would be kind ladies. We would avoid mentioning anything personal like Crush or my move because we don't want bad energy and we would stay super positive and warm.
In all fairness, Awful is charitable and gets involved in many causes, so the chance of seeing him there was not at all impossible.
Phew, we NEVER saw him. Must have been a different one, he was too hungover to make it (great possibility), or we didn't spot him as there were 500 people in attendance and his height (he isn't vertically gifted) makes him harder to spot than most.
THEN, yesterday, I was catching up on the Sunday NY Times and there was his name AGAIN! This time as a part of a pair in the weddings section. As my eyes traveled to the photo, I prayed that it was indeed him and he was married, so the past could really truly be in the past. The chances of him being married aren't totally off. He proposed to his first wife 7 months after meeting her and they were married soon there after and then divorced less than a year after that. He is impulsive with everything is his life, BUT ME (THANK GOODNESS!!!!).
We also do have mutual friends in common who I believe he still sees, so if he ever did ask about me, there is a possibility that they could have told him I was dating someone seriously and moving. The reality is that Awful is one of the most competitive people I know. He needs to win. He needs to be richer, smarter, and funnier than anyone else, since he can't be taller, handsomer, or nicer.....Remember, this is a man who slept with someone 6 days after we officially broke up and perhaps cheated on me more than once (verdict still out on this, BUT I know, regardless of what happened, he spent time inappropriately with women while I was not present during our relationship)....quality person he isn't.
But....it wasn't him. It was just another man with Awful's name.
Still......what are the chances????
You see, it was almost 1 year ago when I saw the clairvoyant who predicted Crush and the promise of a better life. She wrote out Awful's exact name letter for letter and told me to stay away forever, to never look back. I haven't spoken to Crush for a year next month, I haven't emailed with him for almost 10 months, and I haven't seen him for 15 months and counting.
Since I am out of here FOREVER (WHOOT!) in 4 months and counting, I do believe that a chance meeting with Awful could be on the horizon....AWFUL possible news....bleck!
The universe is trying to tell me something....I can FEEL it. Let's just hope that this is just a couple of coincidences.....I already hide out as best as I can, so I don't have to see him.....but, I cannot control everything!!!
I have received 2 signs thus far and I am not looking forward to the third.
But, I am preparing myself mentality for the possibility......
This weekend, I attended a charity event with my mom for a wonderful organization that a dear vendor friend of mine sits on the board for. As we were collecting our place cards, I saw Awful's name on an uncollected place card and my heart starting beating a mile a minute...."Mooooommmmm......look, SHIT!!!! What if we see him?????? OH NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mom, do you think it is him?????"
She reassured me that Awful has a super common name and not to get all worried. If we saw him, we would be kind ladies. We would avoid mentioning anything personal like Crush or my move because we don't want bad energy and we would stay super positive and warm.
In all fairness, Awful is charitable and gets involved in many causes, so the chance of seeing him there was not at all impossible.
Phew, we NEVER saw him. Must have been a different one, he was too hungover to make it (great possibility), or we didn't spot him as there were 500 people in attendance and his height (he isn't vertically gifted) makes him harder to spot than most.
THEN, yesterday, I was catching up on the Sunday NY Times and there was his name AGAIN! This time as a part of a pair in the weddings section. As my eyes traveled to the photo, I prayed that it was indeed him and he was married, so the past could really truly be in the past. The chances of him being married aren't totally off. He proposed to his first wife 7 months after meeting her and they were married soon there after and then divorced less than a year after that. He is impulsive with everything is his life, BUT ME (THANK GOODNESS!!!!).
We also do have mutual friends in common who I believe he still sees, so if he ever did ask about me, there is a possibility that they could have told him I was dating someone seriously and moving. The reality is that Awful is one of the most competitive people I know. He needs to win. He needs to be richer, smarter, and funnier than anyone else, since he can't be taller, handsomer, or nicer.....Remember, this is a man who slept with someone 6 days after we officially broke up and perhaps cheated on me more than once (verdict still out on this, BUT I know, regardless of what happened, he spent time inappropriately with women while I was not present during our relationship)....quality person he isn't.
But....it wasn't him. It was just another man with Awful's name.
Still......what are the chances????
You see, it was almost 1 year ago when I saw the clairvoyant who predicted Crush and the promise of a better life. She wrote out Awful's exact name letter for letter and told me to stay away forever, to never look back. I haven't spoken to Crush for a year next month, I haven't emailed with him for almost 10 months, and I haven't seen him for 15 months and counting.
Since I am out of here FOREVER (WHOOT!) in 4 months and counting, I do believe that a chance meeting with Awful could be on the horizon....AWFUL possible news....bleck!
The universe is trying to tell me something....I can FEEL it. Let's just hope that this is just a couple of coincidences.....I already hide out as best as I can, so I don't have to see him.....but, I cannot control everything!!!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Question Me
Last night, Crush and I asked each other the 276 questions you are "supposed" to ask your significant other before you get married.
It was SUPER fun because I love talking, so answering 276 questions about myself....SCORE!
The truth is this....I already knew ALL of his answers. He knew most of mine. We really don't have any secrets. In our case, we have been forced to be super open because of the long distance. We talk at least 1 hour a day and in the beginning....5 hours or more the first couple of months...neither of us ever slept.
We both know that we need all the facts because a move for me is not a small compromise (even though I CANNOT wait to get out of the shity city).
As I have mentioned, Crush was engaged before. His ex-fiance and he had trouble communicating and went to premarital counseling in a effort to save their relationship. They were given this list of questions to discuss and couldn't get through it without multiple fights, tears, and insults. If Awful and I were given the list.....OY! I would have had to throw something at him, I am sure of this. And since Awful was always very lawyerly and abstract with his answers....which frustrated me to the core....I would have had to throw something heavy at him......encyclopedias maybe.....
As my Crush's parents and mine and are preparing to meet in a few short weeks, we both thought this exercise was very appropriate to make sure we know all of our answers if we are put on the spot. Both of our sets of parents like to sometimes ask "innocent" questions that are really very direct...."what are your plans for work?" is really code for "how long do you plan to live in the city before you move to the small town and give me grandchildren?" We know this.
As for the questions, I advise you all....single, dating, engaged, or married, to do it. Answer your own questions. It really helped me get to know myself even better and offered an opportunity for self analysis. In my case, Crush and I are very different when it comes to past life experiences and personality (I am an extrovert for the most part and he is an introvert for the most part), but shockingly similar in most other areas: politics, religion, family, money, health, sex, etc.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
R & F
It was SUPER fun because I love talking, so answering 276 questions about myself....SCORE!
The truth is this....I already knew ALL of his answers. He knew most of mine. We really don't have any secrets. In our case, we have been forced to be super open because of the long distance. We talk at least 1 hour a day and in the beginning....5 hours or more the first couple of months...neither of us ever slept.
We both know that we need all the facts because a move for me is not a small compromise (even though I CANNOT wait to get out of the shity city).
As I have mentioned, Crush was engaged before. His ex-fiance and he had trouble communicating and went to premarital counseling in a effort to save their relationship. They were given this list of questions to discuss and couldn't get through it without multiple fights, tears, and insults. If Awful and I were given the list.....OY! I would have had to throw something at him, I am sure of this. And since Awful was always very lawyerly and abstract with his answers....which frustrated me to the core....I would have had to throw something heavy at him......encyclopedias maybe.....
As my Crush's parents and mine and are preparing to meet in a few short weeks, we both thought this exercise was very appropriate to make sure we know all of our answers if we are put on the spot. Both of our sets of parents like to sometimes ask "innocent" questions that are really very direct...."what are your plans for work?" is really code for "how long do you plan to live in the city before you move to the small town and give me grandchildren?" We know this.
As for the questions, I advise you all....single, dating, engaged, or married, to do it. Answer your own questions. It really helped me get to know myself even better and offered an opportunity for self analysis. In my case, Crush and I are very different when it comes to past life experiences and personality (I am an extrovert for the most part and he is an introvert for the most part), but shockingly similar in most other areas: politics, religion, family, money, health, sex, etc.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
R & F
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Blasting Through The Past
This past Sunday, I did something I have been avoiding for 18 months......I went through my junk in my parents' basement.
It sounds minor, but it wasn't.
On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function. I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.
Bless my parents, both of them. They saved me. They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me. When I needed them. When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....
It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me. How lucky I am.
When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past. Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.
I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box. I went through all of them. I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk. I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South. I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically. I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.
After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief. I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.
It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it. Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it. Day after day after day. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready. I could handle it and I did. Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it. It was Me versus Stuff and I won. WHOOT!
I feel like this is symbolic of many things. Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss. You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful. You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him. Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all. Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all. Seriously. I look the worst I ever looked with him. Strained. Uncomfortable. A mile away from my body and soul.
Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.
I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.
September here I come!
It sounds minor, but it wasn't.
On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function. I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.
Bless my parents, both of them. They saved me. They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me. When I needed them. When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....
It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me. How lucky I am.
When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement. Out of sight, out of mind. Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past. Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.
I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box. I went through all of them. I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk. I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South. I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically. I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.
After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief. I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.
It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it. Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it. Day after day after day. Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready. I could handle it and I did. Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it. It was Me versus Stuff and I won. WHOOT!
I feel like this is symbolic of many things. Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss. You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful. You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him. Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved. I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all. Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all. Seriously. I look the worst I ever looked with him. Strained. Uncomfortable. A mile away from my body and soul.
Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.
I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.
September here I come!
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Reality Check....Spin Class DOES NOT = Big Macs (and sigh....)
Good news! My gym got new spin bikes.
Bad news! Now I know exactly how far, how fast, and how many calories I have burned each class.
I am torn on this.
I liked just cruising on my little spin bike. I liked sweating and bopping on the bars and lip-syncing to Gaga and Kelly Clarkson and convincing myself that I burned 1,200 calories in 45 minutes and I could eat extra value meals without even ordering a Diet Coke to go with it.
But, I knew somewhere in the cobwebs of reality that I was indeed not burning as many calories as I wanted to believe as I haven't lost weight from working out in over three years. And three years ago, I got completely addicted and OBSESSED with working out and it was beginning to get a little craycray, if I do say so myself.
I turned into one of those people who HAD to workout, or it was going to be a bitchy bad day. At least the awful depression Awful caused me, got me out of that stage, even if it meant putting me in the funkiest of funks....trying to see the bright side of things these days......
So, thank you Awful, for being so terrible that being around you made me so lethargic that I couldn't go to my obsessive exercise classes at 5:30 am 5 times a week and my other obsessive exercise classes at 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm back to back 2 times a week.....
I should have stuck to it as nothing helps my depression more than some sweating at the gym (or sweating in the bed.....couldn't resist, so sorry all, but thank you Crush, I bet we have 6 more months of intense passion is us.....since I am moving and will see him almost everyday in 6 months.....hehe).
Everything in moderation. Balance is key.
So, today's 45 minutes of hardcore spin class (not including the 15 minutes that include set up, warm up, and cool down).....
10.5 miles
13.5 mile per hour pace
305 calories burned (whah wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
No more Big Mac justification (or entire Amy Organics Rice Crust Pizzas.....)
But, this is totally the wake up call I needed. I am trying to be as honest as possible, so perhaps starting with myself is a really good thing, too!
Have a great day, all!
Bad news! Now I know exactly how far, how fast, and how many calories I have burned each class.
I am torn on this.
I liked just cruising on my little spin bike. I liked sweating and bopping on the bars and lip-syncing to Gaga and Kelly Clarkson and convincing myself that I burned 1,200 calories in 45 minutes and I could eat extra value meals without even ordering a Diet Coke to go with it.
But, I knew somewhere in the cobwebs of reality that I was indeed not burning as many calories as I wanted to believe as I haven't lost weight from working out in over three years. And three years ago, I got completely addicted and OBSESSED with working out and it was beginning to get a little craycray, if I do say so myself.
I turned into one of those people who HAD to workout, or it was going to be a bitchy bad day. At least the awful depression Awful caused me, got me out of that stage, even if it meant putting me in the funkiest of funks....trying to see the bright side of things these days......
So, thank you Awful, for being so terrible that being around you made me so lethargic that I couldn't go to my obsessive exercise classes at 5:30 am 5 times a week and my other obsessive exercise classes at 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm back to back 2 times a week.....
I should have stuck to it as nothing helps my depression more than some sweating at the gym (or sweating in the bed.....couldn't resist, so sorry all, but thank you Crush, I bet we have 6 more months of intense passion is us.....since I am moving and will see him almost everyday in 6 months.....hehe).
Everything in moderation. Balance is key.
So, today's 45 minutes of hardcore spin class (not including the 15 minutes that include set up, warm up, and cool down).....
10.5 miles
13.5 mile per hour pace
305 calories burned (whah wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
No more Big Mac justification (or entire Amy Organics Rice Crust Pizzas.....)
But, this is totally the wake up call I needed. I am trying to be as honest as possible, so perhaps starting with myself is a really good thing, too!
Have a great day, all!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
This Town Will Never be Big Enough for the Two of Us
I have been having a reoccurring dream these days. A nightmare, really.
It is about my wedding.
It is one of those dreams that you know is a dream, but you cannot wake up.
Oy.
I am all dressed up as a bride wearing exactly the kind of dress I want. My hair is perfect, I am at a lovely weight, my lipstick is that perfect shade of pink I am always buying at Sephora that looks terrible on me in real life, but absolutely perfect on me in this dream.
Everyone is there. My family, my best friends, Crush, his family....
The ceremony begins and I walk down the aisle and AWFUL is standing there as my groom in all of his toadstool glory. I panic. I start hyperventilating. I try to turn around and run, but he holds me tightly by the arm, and tells me not to embarrass him through his closed brown baby teeth (he had teeny tiny teeth). He tells me that everyone thinks I am crazy. He tells me that everyone hates me. He tells me that I am nothing without him. He tells me that I am fat. He tells me all of the things that he said to upset me when we were together in real life.
I cannot wake up. I try, I scream "WAKE UP!" in my dream. And I marry him hysterically crying while he holds my arm so tightly that it cramps in real life (like when I wake up, my left arm is half asleep). Mascara running down my cheeks while everyone just disappears, but Crush. Crush is pounding on the windows outside, trying desperately to get in, all dressed up in a tux and tails. The other weird detail....When we start our vows, we are no longer at a hotel, but in a church......but I am Jewish. Awful was the one who promised to convert and didn't want to, but wasn't man enough to come clean and strung me along. Yet in the dream, I am marrying him in the most gorgeous church.
I wake up crying every time. Three times I have had this dream. The last time being 2 nights ago, in bed with Crush. I woke up sobbing and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and woke Crush up in the process. I told him all about the dream and he simply said....."I believe Awful knows we are in love, even if he doesn't have it confirmed, he can feel it and you can feel it and your mind is processing how serious we are. I would break down the church window to marry you and punch Awful in the face, so if you have this dream again, maybe the ending will be different now that I said that." He is smart, my Crush.
As soon as I dumped Awful, I ran home, to live with my parents. It wasn't only because of needing comfort or financial support, it was because I needed some distance between Awful and his manipulations. I knew he was badmouthing me, trying to steal my friends.....going out and getting drunk and sharing embarrassing and personal stories about me. People hate me because of him. They cross streets when they see me, they ignore me in coffee shops, they don't return my emails....Yet, these people were only acquaintances and even if it stings for one moment, they can have Awful. I would spend my life friendless if I had the choice between having to be friends with Awful to have other friends or to spend my life completely alone. That is how much I dislike him. But, yet, I see why people are drawn to him as a friend. Because he is so insecure and such an approval seeker, he is a great person to use. He will pay for everything and go so overboard. Hell, he seduced me initially this way, too.
I know he is speaking unkindly about me because he did this about his ex-wife. Made her into a monster. Called her "the bitch ex-wife." Poor girl also ran home to her parents years ago after divorcing Awful and from what I heard, she is still there, home, cocooned, maybe she didn't want to ever see him again either. She also dumped him. I would love to know her take on their marriage, but of course, it is none of my business.
This city isn't big enough for the two of us, Awful and me. I know I am leaving and yet I still have anxiety about seeing him. Why? Hmmmmm, this is a bit complicated. It is not because of who he is, BUT, because of who I was when I was with him. When I dream about him, it makes me sick because I know that his hateful comments soaked into my subconscious. He penetrated all of me with his toxicity.
I was planning to move to Boston before meeting Awful and somewhere south after I dumped him and way before I met Crush. The south has always intrigued me, mostly because you can't do hospitality better than the south does. So, my tie to this city was never that deep, but moving away has many positives, one major one being that Awful still lives here and I don't imagine he will go away anytime soon, especially since he has a pretty easy job that I helped get for him through my connections and own job at the time.
Awful told me that I would never find the man I wanted and I DID. I remember him telling me that what I wanted didn't exist. He said specifically, "you will never find a smart, nice, Jewish man who will treat you the way you want. It doesn't exist. But, if it did, you wouldn't be the one he would chose. Trust me, I am a guy and I know that for a fact." Joke is on you, Awful.
Yet, I don't feel the need to sock it to him. I don't feel like I will rejoin Facebook the minute I get engaged. To post wedding photos, to show him how in love I am, how handsome Crush is, how Crush is exactly the kind of man he wished he could be. I know that deep inside seeing me with the kind of guy he told me would never want me would hurt him. At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't need to prove that I won.
Because I already did.
And I think inside, he knows it, too.
It is about my wedding.
It is one of those dreams that you know is a dream, but you cannot wake up.
Oy.
I am all dressed up as a bride wearing exactly the kind of dress I want. My hair is perfect, I am at a lovely weight, my lipstick is that perfect shade of pink I am always buying at Sephora that looks terrible on me in real life, but absolutely perfect on me in this dream.
Everyone is there. My family, my best friends, Crush, his family....
The ceremony begins and I walk down the aisle and AWFUL is standing there as my groom in all of his toadstool glory. I panic. I start hyperventilating. I try to turn around and run, but he holds me tightly by the arm, and tells me not to embarrass him through his closed brown baby teeth (he had teeny tiny teeth). He tells me that everyone thinks I am crazy. He tells me that everyone hates me. He tells me that I am nothing without him. He tells me that I am fat. He tells me all of the things that he said to upset me when we were together in real life.
I cannot wake up. I try, I scream "WAKE UP!" in my dream. And I marry him hysterically crying while he holds my arm so tightly that it cramps in real life (like when I wake up, my left arm is half asleep). Mascara running down my cheeks while everyone just disappears, but Crush. Crush is pounding on the windows outside, trying desperately to get in, all dressed up in a tux and tails. The other weird detail....When we start our vows, we are no longer at a hotel, but in a church......but I am Jewish. Awful was the one who promised to convert and didn't want to, but wasn't man enough to come clean and strung me along. Yet in the dream, I am marrying him in the most gorgeous church.
I wake up crying every time. Three times I have had this dream. The last time being 2 nights ago, in bed with Crush. I woke up sobbing and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and woke Crush up in the process. I told him all about the dream and he simply said....."I believe Awful knows we are in love, even if he doesn't have it confirmed, he can feel it and you can feel it and your mind is processing how serious we are. I would break down the church window to marry you and punch Awful in the face, so if you have this dream again, maybe the ending will be different now that I said that." He is smart, my Crush.
As soon as I dumped Awful, I ran home, to live with my parents. It wasn't only because of needing comfort or financial support, it was because I needed some distance between Awful and his manipulations. I knew he was badmouthing me, trying to steal my friends.....going out and getting drunk and sharing embarrassing and personal stories about me. People hate me because of him. They cross streets when they see me, they ignore me in coffee shops, they don't return my emails....Yet, these people were only acquaintances and even if it stings for one moment, they can have Awful. I would spend my life friendless if I had the choice between having to be friends with Awful to have other friends or to spend my life completely alone. That is how much I dislike him. But, yet, I see why people are drawn to him as a friend. Because he is so insecure and such an approval seeker, he is a great person to use. He will pay for everything and go so overboard. Hell, he seduced me initially this way, too.
I know he is speaking unkindly about me because he did this about his ex-wife. Made her into a monster. Called her "the bitch ex-wife." Poor girl also ran home to her parents years ago after divorcing Awful and from what I heard, she is still there, home, cocooned, maybe she didn't want to ever see him again either. She also dumped him. I would love to know her take on their marriage, but of course, it is none of my business.
This city isn't big enough for the two of us, Awful and me. I know I am leaving and yet I still have anxiety about seeing him. Why? Hmmmmm, this is a bit complicated. It is not because of who he is, BUT, because of who I was when I was with him. When I dream about him, it makes me sick because I know that his hateful comments soaked into my subconscious. He penetrated all of me with his toxicity.
I was planning to move to Boston before meeting Awful and somewhere south after I dumped him and way before I met Crush. The south has always intrigued me, mostly because you can't do hospitality better than the south does. So, my tie to this city was never that deep, but moving away has many positives, one major one being that Awful still lives here and I don't imagine he will go away anytime soon, especially since he has a pretty easy job that I helped get for him through my connections and own job at the time.
Awful told me that I would never find the man I wanted and I DID. I remember him telling me that what I wanted didn't exist. He said specifically, "you will never find a smart, nice, Jewish man who will treat you the way you want. It doesn't exist. But, if it did, you wouldn't be the one he would chose. Trust me, I am a guy and I know that for a fact." Joke is on you, Awful.
Yet, I don't feel the need to sock it to him. I don't feel like I will rejoin Facebook the minute I get engaged. To post wedding photos, to show him how in love I am, how handsome Crush is, how Crush is exactly the kind of man he wished he could be. I know that deep inside seeing me with the kind of guy he told me would never want me would hurt him. At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't need to prove that I won.
Because I already did.
And I think inside, he knows it, too.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Valentine's Day GO AWAY
I am a hopeless romantic.
I love dancing under the stars (and With the Stars, too!), making love on the beach, and 1 milkshake, 2 straws.
I love day dreaming about my engagement ring, wedding dress, and honeymoon from time to time....(IT IS TRUE, I DON'T LIE HERE)....
I love holding hands over a candlelight meal, snuggling in front of the fire, and reading stories aloud to my Crush.
I AM A SAP.
I have a Valentine this year and I didn't even send him a card....OMG, I know, I know, I put it in the mail today....
The thing is this, minus my little breakdowns and freak outs, Crush really makes me feel the way NONE of my other boyfriends ever did: safe, secure, protected, and important.
In the past, I have only had a Valentine on 3 V-Days. 1 was spent with Socio and 2 were spent with Awful...
Socio got me cheap chocolate and a card that he didn't sign (probably because he got his other girl the same thing and didn't want to risk a switch...) and we ate pizza and drank vodka in front of his television. How romantic.
Awful bought me expensive gifts that were never anything I wanted or liked on our Vdays together. He also bought me a kind of flower I HATED, but I never corrected him because I felt bad....... One day, I found his wedding video while I was snooping. I watched it and noticed that his wedding was full of the flowers he always bought me. Ah yes, his ex-wife LOVED these flowers, so he assumed I would, too....I don't, but it is the thought that counts, right?!
The point I am trying to make is this.....having a Valentine isn't all it is cracked up to be if he isn't your real deal. I always looked forward to V-Day with my exes because I wanted something from them that they couldn't give me. I needed Valentine's Day to prove that the man I was with loved me, adored me, and found me sexy. I felt February 14th was the barometer of the relationship.....the holy grail, the test.
It wasn't. It never will be.
Valentine's Day is just another day. The only real benefit is the cheap candy on the 15th!
This year, I am not seeing Crush for the Big V. He is going out of town for a special trip with some gents and I am hanging out with the family. Did he send me a card and gift? Yes. Do I expect flowers tomorrow? I do. BUT.........for real, NONE of it matters, because he treats me well all 365 days out of the year, not just when Hallmark tells him he should.
I actually told him to save it, the V-Day gestures. As a proper gent, I know he couldn't ignore the holiday, his momma wouldn't allow him to. I don't need to be showered with roses and chocolate this year because these are things and not feelings. Feelings make me feel, not things. One exception, an engagement ring....yes, I will admit that, too...oy. My left hand has been yearning for some shimmer since I was 4 and would put my mom's ring on while she was in the shower.....
If anyone is sad about Vday and is reading this, let me tell you about MY FAVORITE VALENTINE'S DAY EVER......
It was when I was living alone before I started dating Awful and way after Socio. I was working out, looking good, and feeling great. I went and bought myself VERY beautiful lingerie, ordered in my favorite pizza, chilled a bottle of wine I love, froze my beloved Dots, and had a Real Housewives of Somewhere marathon with myself....while I wore a teddy, high heels, a pearl necklace (like a real one.... if anyone reading is a pervert), and fully done hair and makeup. After I drank the bottle of wine, I put on my favorite CD and danced in front of the mirror in my sexy get up and I admired my arms and legs and lips and tush and hair and collarbone....ALL OF ME.
As cheesy as it sounds (because I never said I wasn't cheesy), I knew in the back of my mind, there could be a Valentine some year, some time, and I would have to buy an obligatory card and tie to acknowledge the day.... BUT this particular year, I was having the BEST V-Day just loving myself.
Anyone feeling blue, ask yourself to be your Valentine.....buy some new red lipstick (Nars Heatwave), but on your best silk and heels, and spend the night in being fierce with the best heart you know, YOUR OWN.
XOXOXO!
I love dancing under the stars (and With the Stars, too!), making love on the beach, and 1 milkshake, 2 straws.
I love day dreaming about my engagement ring, wedding dress, and honeymoon from time to time....(IT IS TRUE, I DON'T LIE HERE)....
I love holding hands over a candlelight meal, snuggling in front of the fire, and reading stories aloud to my Crush.
I AM A SAP.
I have a Valentine this year and I didn't even send him a card....OMG, I know, I know, I put it in the mail today....
The thing is this, minus my little breakdowns and freak outs, Crush really makes me feel the way NONE of my other boyfriends ever did: safe, secure, protected, and important.
In the past, I have only had a Valentine on 3 V-Days. 1 was spent with Socio and 2 were spent with Awful...
Socio got me cheap chocolate and a card that he didn't sign (probably because he got his other girl the same thing and didn't want to risk a switch...) and we ate pizza and drank vodka in front of his television. How romantic.
Awful bought me expensive gifts that were never anything I wanted or liked on our Vdays together. He also bought me a kind of flower I HATED, but I never corrected him because I felt bad....... One day, I found his wedding video while I was snooping. I watched it and noticed that his wedding was full of the flowers he always bought me. Ah yes, his ex-wife LOVED these flowers, so he assumed I would, too....I don't, but it is the thought that counts, right?!
The point I am trying to make is this.....having a Valentine isn't all it is cracked up to be if he isn't your real deal. I always looked forward to V-Day with my exes because I wanted something from them that they couldn't give me. I needed Valentine's Day to prove that the man I was with loved me, adored me, and found me sexy. I felt February 14th was the barometer of the relationship.....the holy grail, the test.
It wasn't. It never will be.
Valentine's Day is just another day. The only real benefit is the cheap candy on the 15th!
This year, I am not seeing Crush for the Big V. He is going out of town for a special trip with some gents and I am hanging out with the family. Did he send me a card and gift? Yes. Do I expect flowers tomorrow? I do. BUT.........for real, NONE of it matters, because he treats me well all 365 days out of the year, not just when Hallmark tells him he should.
I actually told him to save it, the V-Day gestures. As a proper gent, I know he couldn't ignore the holiday, his momma wouldn't allow him to. I don't need to be showered with roses and chocolate this year because these are things and not feelings. Feelings make me feel, not things. One exception, an engagement ring....yes, I will admit that, too...oy. My left hand has been yearning for some shimmer since I was 4 and would put my mom's ring on while she was in the shower.....
If anyone is sad about Vday and is reading this, let me tell you about MY FAVORITE VALENTINE'S DAY EVER......
It was when I was living alone before I started dating Awful and way after Socio. I was working out, looking good, and feeling great. I went and bought myself VERY beautiful lingerie, ordered in my favorite pizza, chilled a bottle of wine I love, froze my beloved Dots, and had a Real Housewives of Somewhere marathon with myself....while I wore a teddy, high heels, a pearl necklace (like a real one.... if anyone reading is a pervert), and fully done hair and makeup. After I drank the bottle of wine, I put on my favorite CD and danced in front of the mirror in my sexy get up and I admired my arms and legs and lips and tush and hair and collarbone....ALL OF ME.
As cheesy as it sounds (because I never said I wasn't cheesy), I knew in the back of my mind, there could be a Valentine some year, some time, and I would have to buy an obligatory card and tie to acknowledge the day.... BUT this particular year, I was having the BEST V-Day just loving myself.
Anyone feeling blue, ask yourself to be your Valentine.....buy some new red lipstick (Nars Heatwave), but on your best silk and heels, and spend the night in being fierce with the best heart you know, YOUR OWN.
XOXOXO!
Sunday, February 3, 2013
I Just Have to Snark for 1 Minute Here
I couldn't sleep last night.
I went out to supper for one of my best friend's birthdays and ate a yummy meal with a few lovely couples. They spoke ALL about their beautiful little ones and I got a bit of baby fever.....
When I returned, I spoke to Crush until the very wee hours of the morning and then I couldn't sleep.
So I started cyberstalking which is tough when you aren't on Facebook, but where there is a will, there is a way.
Well, my number one stalking target was indeed Awful. Which is indeed awful.
Please try not to judge me for what I am going to say.......I just HAVE to share.
Awful looks awful and I am feeling smug.
You see, when we dated, I started off thin and ending up fat. Awful LOVED to eat and drink (as do I) and has really bad habits and many of them rubbed off on me. I got lazy and complacent. He also over packed our social schedule, so that I rarely had time for me. He would say, "the gym is for soulless yuppies who are blood sucking perfectionists, " and then slam a homemade beer and a slice of pizza. I was depressed and looking for a reason not to move, it was a match made in lazy.
We became the fat couple. I HATED being the fat couple. Especially because ALL of my friends are gorgeous with great figures. Champagne problems people. I begged Awful to come to the gym with me, to walk with me, to ride bikes with me, to support me. He never wanted to. He only wanted to drink, eat, and make social plans and compete with me about who had more friends. Awful was a frenemy I just realized. I know 7th grade girls nicer and less manipulative than him. Oy.
In an effort to help Awful not explode (he carried ALL of his weight in his belly and looked 10 months pregnant), I paid for his gym membership and bought him 6 personal trainer sessions. He NEVER went or used them....that is, until I dumped him.
Awful is ALL or NOTHING just like me. This is major reason we couldn't work, not even as friends, we are too much the same.
So, as soon as I left him, he went totally ALL into a fitness and egg white and tuna routine. He lost like 50 pounds in 6 weeks. Truth, I am being mean, but he is one of the rare people who looks better chubby (Jennifer Hudson is part of this short list) than thin. But, at the same time, his new thinness made me jealous, insanely jealous. He won. I was still fat. He was thin and ALSO had slept with someone like a week after I left officially. So, I felt stung by the skinny and the sex.
Well, let me tell you something....while I was stalking, I stumbled (SOUGHT OUT) upon photos of Awful from now, 1 full year after I last saw him in the flesh and he isn't looking so hot. In these photos, he is holding a beer (OF COURSE), dancing like a moron (I can kinda respect that because I love dancing like a moron), and drum roll please.....he is chubby again. Perhaps not as fat as he was when we broke up (nor am I), but not a lollipop head either.
And with the realization that he didn't look skinny, I smiled to myself and was able to fall into a very deep sleep.
And I dreamt of Crush and our future baby who happened to be really cute, chubby, and male.
I went out to supper for one of my best friend's birthdays and ate a yummy meal with a few lovely couples. They spoke ALL about their beautiful little ones and I got a bit of baby fever.....
When I returned, I spoke to Crush until the very wee hours of the morning and then I couldn't sleep.
So I started cyberstalking which is tough when you aren't on Facebook, but where there is a will, there is a way.
Well, my number one stalking target was indeed Awful. Which is indeed awful.
Please try not to judge me for what I am going to say.......I just HAVE to share.
Awful looks awful and I am feeling smug.
You see, when we dated, I started off thin and ending up fat. Awful LOVED to eat and drink (as do I) and has really bad habits and many of them rubbed off on me. I got lazy and complacent. He also over packed our social schedule, so that I rarely had time for me. He would say, "the gym is for soulless yuppies who are blood sucking perfectionists, " and then slam a homemade beer and a slice of pizza. I was depressed and looking for a reason not to move, it was a match made in lazy.
We became the fat couple. I HATED being the fat couple. Especially because ALL of my friends are gorgeous with great figures. Champagne problems people. I begged Awful to come to the gym with me, to walk with me, to ride bikes with me, to support me. He never wanted to. He only wanted to drink, eat, and make social plans and compete with me about who had more friends. Awful was a frenemy I just realized. I know 7th grade girls nicer and less manipulative than him. Oy.
In an effort to help Awful not explode (he carried ALL of his weight in his belly and looked 10 months pregnant), I paid for his gym membership and bought him 6 personal trainer sessions. He NEVER went or used them....that is, until I dumped him.
Awful is ALL or NOTHING just like me. This is major reason we couldn't work, not even as friends, we are too much the same.
So, as soon as I left him, he went totally ALL into a fitness and egg white and tuna routine. He lost like 50 pounds in 6 weeks. Truth, I am being mean, but he is one of the rare people who looks better chubby (Jennifer Hudson is part of this short list) than thin. But, at the same time, his new thinness made me jealous, insanely jealous. He won. I was still fat. He was thin and ALSO had slept with someone like a week after I left officially. So, I felt stung by the skinny and the sex.
Well, let me tell you something....while I was stalking, I stumbled (SOUGHT OUT) upon photos of Awful from now, 1 full year after I last saw him in the flesh and he isn't looking so hot. In these photos, he is holding a beer (OF COURSE), dancing like a moron (I can kinda respect that because I love dancing like a moron), and drum roll please.....he is chubby again. Perhaps not as fat as he was when we broke up (nor am I), but not a lollipop head either.
And with the realization that he didn't look skinny, I smiled to myself and was able to fall into a very deep sleep.
And I dreamt of Crush and our future baby who happened to be really cute, chubby, and male.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
When I Fall in Love
I remember being a little girl and hearing the song "When I Fall in Love" by Nat King Cole on the radio late at night just before I fell asleep in the backseat of my father's car on the way home from my grandparents' house.
Even then, I fantasized that one day, I would fall in love like this, so truly. I would dream about a magical time when I would dance with my future husband to this song and it would all make sense.....and now, 26 years later, it all does......
Lyrics:
When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
I have never been in love before Crush. I lived with someone for more than 2+ years and I just recently realized that I didn't ever love him. I was in love with the idea of love, but I wasn't in love with Awful. That is why I gained weight, was laden with anxiety, and fell into the worst depression of my life. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 months other than to use the bathroom and binge eat. I honestly contemplated suicide, that is how bad it got. I couldn't really open up to anyone (including my best friends and family) because I was so confused. If I admitted the truth aloud, it would make it real and I was ashamed that I had let it get this far.
I cannot believe I just admitted that I thought about killing myself, but I did obsess about it for a few days before I finally found the strength to move out. I tossed and tuned next to Awful (he snored like a bear and kept me up regularly) in the middle of the night thinking about how I would do it. I reasoned that maybe ending my life would be the easiest way to get out of this mess.....we had friends in common, family involved, and I had quit my job with the notion he would support me while I started my business....I couldn't see past the next minute.
One night as heslept snored, I went looking around the house for his guns, I just felt a compulsion to know where they were (he collected them and there were many under his roof)....While I scoured the house for the gun safe, my feet took me out back to the garage where I broke down and sobbed harder than I ever had in my life.....nothing was going to fix us. It immediately dawned on me that I hated Awful as a person, I had no respect for him and I never did. I found him to be immature, unattractive, rude, loud, forgetful, a sayer not a doer, and a drunk. He over promised and under delivered....he had all the qualities that I would never look for in a friend. I dispised him, actually.
I never went to bed that night and I collected my things and called my parents to save me the very next day. How grateful I am for them.
Upon coming back to my childhood bedroom, it became crystal clear that being with Awful was making me turn into a stranger. I couldn't identity with the person I became. A bad relationship can make you feel very unlike yourself.
I wanted love so badly, so deeply, that I lied to myself and to Awful. I have started to feel a bit bad about it, but don't worry, Awful didn't love me either. It would have been different if he did and I am okay with this, it simply wasn't meant to be. I don't know what is going on in his life, but I actually wish he finds what I have found with Crush. He is a person that doesn't live in reality (I didn't either when I was with him), so I am not convinced he will, but I hope he does.
I know that I am growing up and moving on because regardless of all the BADBADBAD that transpired between us (and I was no angel, we brought out the worst in each other), I am no longer angry. I needed to date Awful to find Crush, this was my destiny.
The lessons I learned along the way have only helped make this the most solid relationship of my life.
When Crush and I started dating, it was different. The "you just know when you know" saying about love is true. I HATED hearing that when I was single. HATED IT. Upon the first time I kissed Crush, rode in his car, and took a nap on his chest, I never really had a doubt. What we share is different, it is soul mate love, the kind of love one of my best friends explained I deserved and would have to wait for....she was right as always (SHE IS SO OFTEN RIGHT!).
The love I initially felt for Crush, knocked me over like a tidal wave. My body had never felt this romantic love before, this yearning, and this lust......I truly couldn't function for weeks. I was love sick. I couldn't eat. All I could do was drink Coca Cola, coffee, and drive around listening to music. I found my missing puzzle piece. The key to my heart. The secret I never thought I would discover.
I know I am a sap and I know sometimes this love mush must be annoying. I know this. I was the single girl who couldn't face attending a wedding alone, the person who ate entire pizzas instead of online dating, the chick who sobbed silently after leaving baby and bridal showers for her best friends because she was so conflicted....I was so happy for my friends, BUT, I was super sad and lost myself....
I was THE ONE who never thought she would have what everyone had found. I was the one that pretended to love Awful because it was easy. Because he liked me first. Because he was established. Because he is often the life (drunk) of the party.
I got to the point where I didn't even think I wanted love anymore.....it was too exhausting, too hurtful, too time consuming, too emotionally draining.
So, when I gush about Crush, I really want to share how important and crucial it is for every lady and gent (and ladies and ladies and gents and gents and everyone in-between) to never settle. The showers and weddings and gifts and companionship and relationship acceptance (being invited to couply things that you are left out of as a single) means nothing if you are living a lie (like I did with Awful) and not being true to your heart and soul.
The one for you will make you feel like no other, will make you gasp for air, will encompass you in this virtual blanket of warmth. Everyone deserves this. In your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and hopefully....100's.
The race isn't won at a certain age, every day the race is just beginning. When the sun rises you have the opportunity to do it all the same or different, the choice is yours.
I am signing off for the next few days as my Crush is coming over the weekend to meet the family. I have laundry to do, nails to paint, and legs to shave. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I will be back on Tuesday!
Thank you ALWAYS for reading and commenting, this blog and putting my feelings out there has changed my life for the better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming to visit.
Even then, I fantasized that one day, I would fall in love like this, so truly. I would dream about a magical time when I would dance with my future husband to this song and it would all make sense.....and now, 26 years later, it all does......
Lyrics:
When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
I have never been in love before Crush. I lived with someone for more than 2+ years and I just recently realized that I didn't ever love him. I was in love with the idea of love, but I wasn't in love with Awful. That is why I gained weight, was laden with anxiety, and fell into the worst depression of my life. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 months other than to use the bathroom and binge eat. I honestly contemplated suicide, that is how bad it got. I couldn't really open up to anyone (including my best friends and family) because I was so confused. If I admitted the truth aloud, it would make it real and I was ashamed that I had let it get this far.
I cannot believe I just admitted that I thought about killing myself, but I did obsess about it for a few days before I finally found the strength to move out. I tossed and tuned next to Awful (he snored like a bear and kept me up regularly) in the middle of the night thinking about how I would do it. I reasoned that maybe ending my life would be the easiest way to get out of this mess.....we had friends in common, family involved, and I had quit my job with the notion he would support me while I started my business....I couldn't see past the next minute.
One night as he
I never went to bed that night and I collected my things and called my parents to save me the very next day. How grateful I am for them.
Upon coming back to my childhood bedroom, it became crystal clear that being with Awful was making me turn into a stranger. I couldn't identity with the person I became. A bad relationship can make you feel very unlike yourself.
I wanted love so badly, so deeply, that I lied to myself and to Awful. I have started to feel a bit bad about it, but don't worry, Awful didn't love me either. It would have been different if he did and I am okay with this, it simply wasn't meant to be. I don't know what is going on in his life, but I actually wish he finds what I have found with Crush. He is a person that doesn't live in reality (I didn't either when I was with him), so I am not convinced he will, but I hope he does.
I know that I am growing up and moving on because regardless of all the BADBADBAD that transpired between us (and I was no angel, we brought out the worst in each other), I am no longer angry. I needed to date Awful to find Crush, this was my destiny.
The lessons I learned along the way have only helped make this the most solid relationship of my life.
When Crush and I started dating, it was different. The "you just know when you know" saying about love is true. I HATED hearing that when I was single. HATED IT. Upon the first time I kissed Crush, rode in his car, and took a nap on his chest, I never really had a doubt. What we share is different, it is soul mate love, the kind of love one of my best friends explained I deserved and would have to wait for....she was right as always (SHE IS SO OFTEN RIGHT!).
The love I initially felt for Crush, knocked me over like a tidal wave. My body had never felt this romantic love before, this yearning, and this lust......I truly couldn't function for weeks. I was love sick. I couldn't eat. All I could do was drink Coca Cola, coffee, and drive around listening to music. I found my missing puzzle piece. The key to my heart. The secret I never thought I would discover.
I know I am a sap and I know sometimes this love mush must be annoying. I know this. I was the single girl who couldn't face attending a wedding alone, the person who ate entire pizzas instead of online dating, the chick who sobbed silently after leaving baby and bridal showers for her best friends because she was so conflicted....I was so happy for my friends, BUT, I was super sad and lost myself....
I was THE ONE who never thought she would have what everyone had found. I was the one that pretended to love Awful because it was easy. Because he liked me first. Because he was established. Because he is often the life (drunk) of the party.
I got to the point where I didn't even think I wanted love anymore.....it was too exhausting, too hurtful, too time consuming, too emotionally draining.
So, when I gush about Crush, I really want to share how important and crucial it is for every lady and gent (and ladies and ladies and gents and gents and everyone in-between) to never settle. The showers and weddings and gifts and companionship and relationship acceptance (being invited to couply things that you are left out of as a single) means nothing if you are living a lie (like I did with Awful) and not being true to your heart and soul.
The one for you will make you feel like no other, will make you gasp for air, will encompass you in this virtual blanket of warmth. Everyone deserves this. In your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and hopefully....100's.
The race isn't won at a certain age, every day the race is just beginning. When the sun rises you have the opportunity to do it all the same or different, the choice is yours.
I am signing off for the next few days as my Crush is coming over the weekend to meet the family. I have laundry to do, nails to paint, and legs to shave. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I will be back on Tuesday!
Thank you ALWAYS for reading and commenting, this blog and putting my feelings out there has changed my life for the better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming to visit.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Meet the Parents
In less than one week, Crush is coming to meet the parents!
I am super excited.
I am not even nervous which is the best part about this situation. I just know everyone is going to like each other and I am looking forward to showing him a new place full of experiences. A city that means so much to me in many ways, but one I never really connected to other than the wonderful family and friends I have here. I will not be sad to leave as you all know, but one day, we will be married here. It has always been part of the deal. I move for you, you marry in my former city as a final good-bye to my past and out of respect for my family who will be hosting the event (I have the best parents who saved for such an occasion, so I want to make it most convenient for them). Of course, he has no problem with it. A deal is a deal.
I remember when I first introduced Awful to my parents. They were very nice and respectful to him (at first......), but I could see in their eyes that they wished someone different for me. It wasn't just religion, I promise you all that. It was the fact that my parents have very sound and advanced character radar and they picked up that Awful was a sayer and not a doer and that concerned them. My sister is also married to an extremely brilliant and successful man who is 100 percent self-made and Ivy league (he is far from perfect just like the rest of us, but overall a great match for my sissy), so it makes my parents think that men who make wonderful husbands and fathers with superior educations and immense drive simply grow on trees or at least can be ordered off of a dollar menu.
Crush is the kind of man I am proud of. All accomplishments aside (and he is very accomplished), Crush has a heart of gold, the kind of soul so pure that even his grandmother considers him to be the "salt of the earth" and told me that he was "born good." As I get to know him better, I agree with her.
I am honored to call Crush my man, I have never felt this with anyone I have shared myself with and I have always yearned for it. The way my mom, friends, and sissy look at their husbands sometimes, with this gaze of absolute awe and love and then their faces just light up and I can see them falling even more in love with their gents, I never understood this before I met Crush....
Cheese alert, cheese alert!:
I actually watch him sleep and check to make sure he is breathing when he snoozes on him tummy and I can't hear him snore (haha...omg, I am going to be the MOST paranoid mommy one day...) because I love him so much. I have never felt this kind of attraction, completion, and understanding from a man. I makes it so worth it that I didn't settle. There is a lid for every pot and a man for every woman. You can't settle if you are waiting for the real thing.
I have had many work things to wrap up lately and now I am just finalizing plans for Crush and my family. All of my family here has been emailing me non-stop about meeting him. I am feeling joyful and I am looking forward to this memorable weekend with anticipation. It is such a change from when I would do anything with Awful and my family.....it always made me feel like I was drowning in anxiety, I was so afraid for the inevitable, him figuring out that my parents didn't really approve of him as a person because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. When we broke up, Awful told me that his parents always hated me and thought I wasn't good enough for him, so it was mutual I suppose.
I am counting the days until the next chapter begins with Crush, the one that includes my family.
I am super excited.
I am not even nervous which is the best part about this situation. I just know everyone is going to like each other and I am looking forward to showing him a new place full of experiences. A city that means so much to me in many ways, but one I never really connected to other than the wonderful family and friends I have here. I will not be sad to leave as you all know, but one day, we will be married here. It has always been part of the deal. I move for you, you marry in my former city as a final good-bye to my past and out of respect for my family who will be hosting the event (I have the best parents who saved for such an occasion, so I want to make it most convenient for them). Of course, he has no problem with it. A deal is a deal.
I remember when I first introduced Awful to my parents. They were very nice and respectful to him (at first......), but I could see in their eyes that they wished someone different for me. It wasn't just religion, I promise you all that. It was the fact that my parents have very sound and advanced character radar and they picked up that Awful was a sayer and not a doer and that concerned them. My sister is also married to an extremely brilliant and successful man who is 100 percent self-made and Ivy league (he is far from perfect just like the rest of us, but overall a great match for my sissy), so it makes my parents think that men who make wonderful husbands and fathers with superior educations and immense drive simply grow on trees or at least can be ordered off of a dollar menu.
Crush is the kind of man I am proud of. All accomplishments aside (and he is very accomplished), Crush has a heart of gold, the kind of soul so pure that even his grandmother considers him to be the "salt of the earth" and told me that he was "born good." As I get to know him better, I agree with her.
I am honored to call Crush my man, I have never felt this with anyone I have shared myself with and I have always yearned for it. The way my mom, friends, and sissy look at their husbands sometimes, with this gaze of absolute awe and love and then their faces just light up and I can see them falling even more in love with their gents, I never understood this before I met Crush....
Cheese alert, cheese alert!:
I actually watch him sleep and check to make sure he is breathing when he snoozes on him tummy and I can't hear him snore (haha...omg, I am going to be the MOST paranoid mommy one day...) because I love him so much. I have never felt this kind of attraction, completion, and understanding from a man. I makes it so worth it that I didn't settle. There is a lid for every pot and a man for every woman. You can't settle if you are waiting for the real thing.
I have had many work things to wrap up lately and now I am just finalizing plans for Crush and my family. All of my family here has been emailing me non-stop about meeting him. I am feeling joyful and I am looking forward to this memorable weekend with anticipation. It is such a change from when I would do anything with Awful and my family.....it always made me feel like I was drowning in anxiety, I was so afraid for the inevitable, him figuring out that my parents didn't really approve of him as a person because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. When we broke up, Awful told me that his parents always hated me and thought I wasn't good enough for him, so it was mutual I suppose.
I am counting the days until the next chapter begins with Crush, the one that includes my family.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Shhhhhhh......SUPER Secret
Want to know a secret? It is juicy. It is something that has been on my chest all week, I just had to share.
Crush was supposed to be married this weekend.
I know, crazy, right?!
I have mentioned it before, but Crush and I were BOTH in super serious relationships that we both ended months before we started talking.
He proposed to his long-time girlfriend even though he was scared and knew it wasn't right in his heart and I was living with Awful and BEGGING for a ring, even though I also knew it wasn't right......I wanted to cross engagement off my bucket list. (I just gagged when I wrote that, take it from me, real love is worth the wait! It really is....even if you have to move home at age 30 in order to find it!)
So, once Crush proposed to his ex (who I heard is lovely and sweet and kind and has many AMAZING qualities, they just weren't right for each other.....I don't want to lump her in Awful category because she is a wonderful person and a part of me feels so bad for her as our relationship is moving rather quickly and theirs moved super slowly, so I know if/when she hears about us, it won't be fun, just like it wasn't fun when I learned that Awful slept with someone ONE week after we officially broke up.....I mean, rude) she went into wedding bonanza mode and wanted it ALL and wanted it BIG and this is the very weekend they were supposed to become man and wife.......
My feelings on this are ALL over the map. HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? I mean, I was so close to being with Awful and Crush was going to marry someone else...WTF?! We both listened to our hearts and inner voices and knew that our relationships weren't right for us and then we met and the rest is falling into place now. But, when I think about how this very weekend, my soul mate could have been marrying someone else....well, it makes me so sad, I can't move. I just figured out why I can't stop eating or get out of bed.....blogging is so helpful, for real.
My whole life, it has always been about close calls, about last minute, about the skin of my teeth. I am not the person that finishes the term paper a month in advance, I am making the final revisions, 5 minutes before the damn thing is due. So, this doesn't surprise me at all...this is so me, of course Crush and my fate would be a close call. Had he not trusted his instincts, I wouldn't be moving in September. Thank goodness he did. I am very fortunate and I know he feels the same way.
Life is funny, it can change in an instant.
Crush was supposed to be married this weekend.
I know, crazy, right?!
I have mentioned it before, but Crush and I were BOTH in super serious relationships that we both ended months before we started talking.
He proposed to his long-time girlfriend even though he was scared and knew it wasn't right in his heart and I was living with Awful and BEGGING for a ring, even though I also knew it wasn't right......I wanted to cross engagement off my bucket list. (I just gagged when I wrote that, take it from me, real love is worth the wait! It really is....even if you have to move home at age 30 in order to find it!)
So, once Crush proposed to his ex (who I heard is lovely and sweet and kind and has many AMAZING qualities, they just weren't right for each other.....I don't want to lump her in Awful category because she is a wonderful person and a part of me feels so bad for her as our relationship is moving rather quickly and theirs moved super slowly, so I know if/when she hears about us, it won't be fun, just like it wasn't fun when I learned that Awful slept with someone ONE week after we officially broke up.....I mean, rude) she went into wedding bonanza mode and wanted it ALL and wanted it BIG and this is the very weekend they were supposed to become man and wife.......
My feelings on this are ALL over the map. HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? I mean, I was so close to being with Awful and Crush was going to marry someone else...WTF?! We both listened to our hearts and inner voices and knew that our relationships weren't right for us and then we met and the rest is falling into place now. But, when I think about how this very weekend, my soul mate could have been marrying someone else....well, it makes me so sad, I can't move. I just figured out why I can't stop eating or get out of bed.....blogging is so helpful, for real.
My whole life, it has always been about close calls, about last minute, about the skin of my teeth. I am not the person that finishes the term paper a month in advance, I am making the final revisions, 5 minutes before the damn thing is due. So, this doesn't surprise me at all...this is so me, of course Crush and my fate would be a close call. Had he not trusted his instincts, I wouldn't be moving in September. Thank goodness he did. I am very fortunate and I know he feels the same way.
Life is funny, it can change in an instant.
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