Time is Flying and the REAL TRUTH About My Weight…...

HI!!!!!!!  Helllllllooooooooooo??????!!!!

I have been thinking about blogging for days which turned into weeks which turned into months.

June was the busiest month EVER.  We had guests every weekend and an engagement party and we took a trip to Florida to visit best friends and I am currently working two part-time jobs which actually equals one full-time job.  The jobs are in different cities and both operate under southern terms (LAST MINUTE EVERYTHING), so I will have my day all planned out and then I will get a text saying to come in (unplanned) or don't come in (as planned) and the whole thing can suck it.  It isn't forever and I already have a full-time job lined up when I move, so I can make this work for a few more months.  A paycheck is a paycheck and it is really nice to have one (or two!) again!

The wedding planning is coming along.  All of a sudden it is getting SO CLOSE.  I will be a married lady in less than four months.  Gulp.  So much to do, but I have my lists and hope to get most of it squared away this month which is actually making me very excited.  It is hard to tell clients this, but so much of the wedding planning and decision making (after vendors are selected and contracts are signed) happens just a few months out, so I decided to make July the real decision making month, so I don't have to make final decisions more than once.  My invitations have already been printed out and they are FABULOUS!  I seriously cannot stop staring at and fondling (not the right word….) them!!!!

So, my weight…..anyone who reads here even just a little knows that it is a huge issue for me.

Over the weekend, Crush and I visited his grandmother for a quick dinner and she was in rare form.  I sadly cannot share a lot of what she said about other people because it is not PC and truly awful and she is actually (I am hoping to still think) a very interesting and wonderful person.  She comes from a different time and she is currently isolated and alone a lot and I have seen it happen with my own grandmother, that kind of loneliness can create an opinion that isn't nice and often isn't true.  She is becoming bitter.  Bitter is never much fun.

On Saturday, before we went to eat at a restaurant, Grandmother offered us some cheese and crackers and wine which is very traditional around here.  A little cocktail hour.  I declined the cheese and crackers as I have been doing for months (I just don't find it worth the calories personally and crackers are a very binge inducing food for me) and then this little conversation happened:

Grandmother: Are you trying to lose weight for the wedding?

R&F: Yes, I have been for a while, not just for the wedding, also for my health.

(She eyes me up and down slowly)

Grandmother: Really???  I haven't noticed a change.

R&F: Yes, I am losing very slowly.  I am down a few sizes and it is coming along.

Grandmother: I can't tell.  But it is hard to tell with you big girls.  You really need to get on it, time is ticking away.  You really don't want to be a plus sized bride.  Your photo will be in the paper.

R&F: I will keep this all in mind, thank you for the suggestion (what Smartie Best Friend told me to say when you don't want advice, but want to be polite, it shuts down all unwanted commentary.  For real! Try it.).

As I sat on her antique couch in the parlor (seriously), I felt my eyes well up with tears, but I got myself together.  This is an opinion of a woman almost ninety who comments on every one's weight including her own granddaughter who is WAY too skinny now, but used to be a lot closer to my size.  It is funny when you start seeing the flaws in other people's families.  It takes time, but no family is perfect.

My own grandmother also has an issue with my body.  I discussed it briefly with my sis over text yesterday and she offered me some great insight.  My body is tall and broad.  I am 5'10".  It isn't a body that was around so much a century ago.  Women are getting taller and broader and now it isn't so uncommon to see a taller lady.  A bigger lady.  A beautiful lady who is a presence because of the space she commands when she walks into a room.

I kept to myself about Grandmother's comments.  It didn't even really register to Crush.  She insults him on the regular about his hair, clothes and posture.  Grandmothers are like that a lot and he is immune to commentary which is a quality I find very endearing in him.  I cried a bit to myself in the shower yesterday as I wanted life in South Carolina to be free of everything I hated about Chicago, including comments about my weight, but enough idealizing reality!  Life is life and a thousand miles doesn't preserve me from idiots.  They roam the ENTIRE world.

I haven't binged in months.  Months.

I feel so much better.

I am taking it day by day and I can't believe it sometimes.  Binging was my best friend for nearly four years.  Binging was my constant companion.  Binging was my reward for work completed.  Binging was a focus to fill my time when many of my friends were busy with their husbands and children and I felt like I couldn't bother them.  Binging was my dirty secret that I wanted to keep hidden even as I had to continue to buy larger pants.

Now for THE REAL (I have given bits and pieces in context, but here is the total situation) weight recap:

- My lowest adult weight ever that I remember was 165 pounds.  I got there right around my sister's wedding almost five years ago.

- When I started to date Awful, I didn't even realize it at the time, but I began using food as a coping mechanism because I was in an unbalanced and emotionally abusive relationship.  One year after my sister's wedding, I was up nearly 50 pounds.  The morning of my tummy tuck, I weighed 211 pounds.

- When I moved home with my folks, my weight fluctuated.  I began taking the ADHD medicine, Concerta, to help me cope and function.  Secretly, I wanted it because I was desperate to lose weight.  These kind of medicines make me lose my appetite for weeks and I wanted the easy way out and I needed a push to literally get out of bed because I was so depressed (why my doctor even suggested it, I literally couldn't move some mornings).  On the medicine, I lost about 15 pounds.  The bounce back effect for me was brutal.  I had severe withdrawals and craved carbs, candy and junk food in abundant amounts.  I put on all the weight I lost and more.

- During the almost two years I lived with my folks, I was stressed out and depressed.  I was in a cycle of using food as a emotional release and I was hurting myself.  Gorging so badly, it was like I was in an alcohol stupor many days.  My weight ballooned from time to time.  For a few weeks, I wouldn't eat much and then I would quickly lose 10 pounds.  Then I would eat again and gain weight rapidly.  The cycle repeated over and over again.   During this time, I began seeking therapy for my food addiction.  It took a little bit of practice and patience to take what I was learning and apply it to my life, but I started changing my habits and daily routine.  Little my little.  At first, I could only go a few days between binges, but it was progress.

- When I moved to Charleston, I got on the scale after allowing myself to eat everything I wanted before I left Chicago.  A huge struggle for me in my parents' house involved the little treats (ice cream, bread, potato chips, crackers) they have that I couldn't have around me in the beginning of seeking therapy.  I am now okay around all food because I use my strategies and I never allow myself to get too hungry.   When I got on the scale my first day in Charleston, finally ready to face this weight battle head on, my weight was…..GULP….my weight was 227 pounds.  THE HIGHEST WEIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN.  From my thinnest, I was up 62 pounds.

- I decided to go slow and steady.  One day at a time.  A few pounds at a time.  I eat tons of fruits and veggies and lean protein.  I love cottage cheese and popcorn. I get excited over new salad recipes.  Fresh peaches and watermelon get me going.  I allow myself my absolute favorites once in a while: a few slices of Papa Johns pizza, a scrumptious gourmet burger and fries at local place famous for them or a delectable ice cream cone from a candy shop I love.  Treats are a part of life.  I don't hate myself anymore after I eat them or allow a little slip-up to define my mood and turn me into a total bitch like I used to.  Food is food.  It isn't the boss of me.  There is always room for some yummy when I eat pretty nutritiously most of the time.

- I got on the scale yesterday afternoon feeling VERY defeated by Grandmother.  The scale read 190.  I  have lost 37 pounds since October.  My goal weight has been 175 pounds (I think 165 actually looks a little too thin on me) for the wedding and I know that I will get there.  Just a little more to go.  175 is my life goal weight.  Whereas, it isn't my skinniest, it is a weight I feel healthy and strong at and one I think I can maintain for the long haul.  It is a good choice for me.

Whew….this was not easy for me to share.  But, I am proud of myself.  I have come a long way and for the first time ever, I haven't starved my way down in weight.  I want to jump up and down!

Yes, Grandmother may never approve of my big.  But, the important thing is that her grandson loves every inch of me and always has, even at ALL of my sizes.

A Turtle's Pace

Slow and steady wins the race.  I have said it before and I will say it again.  I know this and then I always want the quick fix.  The miracle.  The AMAZING.  I will get so caught up in an infomercial or the latest skin/hair/diet craze that even though I know that I am getting seduced by something that isn't even real,  I often can't walk away.  After I spend money (LOTS of it) that I don't have, I will take a step back and realize that I am crazy and that I just need to go to Walgreen's and Kiehls and count my calories and everything will be fine.

Today I got on the scale and I am down another pound.  I have now lost over 25 pounds (and nearing 30!) since I moved to Charleston and it has been a slow burn.  0.5 pounds to 1 pounds lost most weeks if I lose at all.  There are some weeks that even with the best eating and lots of exercise, the scale stays frozen.  But, this time, unlike ALL other times, I have stuck with it.  All of a sudden, it isn't for a pair of jeans, for my wedding dress or as a heavy reaction to a nasty comment.  It is for life.  I want to live my life without the weight of my weight holding me back.  I want to drink coffee and eat dessert and share appetizers and savor wine and be a part of things.  I want to be present around food.  I want to know that a meal shared with friends counts as a real meal and does not give me permission to have a second one in private where I can "really" enjoy something sinful while I camp out on my couch with the TV serving as company to hide me from my binging secrets.

I acknowledged my eating issues and they are getting better.  I accepted that I had a serious problem with something that I put off for decades.  I even knew when I was 8 years old that sneaking Milano cookies out of my pantry by the handful wasn't something that I was comfortable doing because it made me feel ashamed.

What has been working has been 2 key things.  Tracking my eating (all of it, every tablespoon of cream, every bite off Crush's plate, every nibble straight from the fridge) and my new Fitbit.  The combination of the tracking and the Fitbit, which helps me know exactly how much I have moved in a day and then exactly how many calories I can eat to stay at my goal, has been magic for me.  It has made me accountable to myself.  Something I have struggled with for years.  I have a bad history of thinking I didn't eat all that much or that I worked out a TON when in actuality, I ate three times my caloric limit and worked out half as much as I imagined.  My mind plays tricks on me a lot, especially when it comes to food and people hating me.

And still, the scale doesn't ALWAYS corporate from day to day or week to week, but as long as I know that I am actually doing what I need to be doing to scientifically lose weight (eat less, move more), the scale does eventually catch up.  I haven't had 5 pounds gone in a week, but I am changing.  Slowly, but surely.

Smarty Best Friend said it best when she told me that "she likes to eat healthy because she feels better." It is simple.  If I eat some fruit and veggies, I feel phenomenal.  I move on with my day and have energy and I don't crash.  Cookies, chips and pizza are scrumptious, but they don't make me feel good.  Especially, if I don't treat junk food as something special.  I got into a terrible habit of using food as a work reward and this has been a very hard habit to break.

Yesterday night, I got the urge to try on a dress that I bought for a wedding festivity even though I didn't know which one yet when I purchased it.  It is classic and lace and white and reminds me a little of my wedding dress.  When I bought it, it didn't zip.  At all.  It was on sale and looked like something I would wear.  I have a very particular way that I like to dress and not all things look good on my figure (curvy, tall and broad), but I saw the potential in this dress.  It was on sale after all.  Well, last night, it zipped right up.  Without a Spanx.  And it looks nice.  A Spanx will help to smooth out the areas that always need a little support (tush and thighs say what), but I can't wait to wear it THIS very weekend to a party for our engagement.  I feel so proud of myself and in many ways, I feel like I didn't even try all that hard.  I made small changes and I didn't need to restrict myself with such a heavy hand, like I have always done in the past.  When I strictly limit myself, I have learned, it just leads to a monster binge of everything I told myself I couldn't have.  Everything is allowed, I just need to track it.

So, as I continue my weight loss journey, it's one day at a time.  Rinse and repeat.  I look forward to passing by the exhausted hare on my way to my final goal.

Once In A While An Article Really Hits Home

Are you familiar with xojane?

When it first started, I was a huge fan and since then, I don't love the articles as much as I used to, but once in a while, there is an excellent article that really hits home for me, like this one.

Gaining weight has been the hardest thing for me these past few years.  Harder than my abusive relationship with Awful, harder than moving back in with my parents at 30, harder than trying to make a long distance relationship work while I run a very stressful (and often ridiculous) business.

I didn't gain 90 pounds in 1 year like the author, but I did gain 45 pounds in less than 4 years and it has been the biggest weight gain I have ever had.  Yes, there have been times in the past that I have put on 15-20 pounds in a few months due to stress, happy new love, or simply falling out of my gym routine.  But, these 45 pounds have been different.  They were put on solely because I was unhappy, severely depressed, and feeling alone. I emotionally ate my way to a place that even I couldn't really understand.  I abused food so severely, that I can no longer fully trust myself to nourish my body without hurting myself bite by bite.

As I look back upon my eating history in therapy, I realize that my relationship with food has always been totally restrictive or completely reckless.  There has never been moderation and learning it has been difficult.  It is hard to try to build healthy limits with something that soothes me, gives me structure, and keeps me company...but it is food?!  Food shouldn't be filling all of these emotional needs as much as it does for me.  I am relearning my entire way of thinking about it: hunger cues, fulfilling cravings, eating until I am satisfied.  I feel like a baby sometimes.

In a quest to get super real with my journey and stop using crutches to pacify my fear of calories and knowing exactly what I am eating, I have been encouraged to stop WeightWatching and begin tracking calories on a calorie tracker.  I am using MyFitness Pal (there are a ton of others out there, too).  I have tried calorie tracking before, but not in an entirely healthy way....always by majorly restricting to get a quick result.  I am so over doing that, finally.

My food therapist encouraged WeightWatchers until I became disordered with my tracking.  You see, WeightWatchers constantly changes their programs (almost yearly) with new plan updates which I hate to say, but are most likely business related....they need update things so current members have to relearn and recommit and new members will be encouraged to join.  This new program doesn't work as well for me as some of the past ones I have tried.  One of the reasons why is because fruit is "free" of points and since I am a binge eater, I can eat 1,000 calories of it no problem.  Additionally, each week gets 49 bonus points which can be consumed as an option and since I see any bonus as an invite to binge, I sometimes eat 49 points mindlessly just because I feel I can.

Some days I would enjoy my favorite breakfast, an egg white sandwich and coffee: eggs whites prepared in real butter, a regular English muffin, a slice of real cheddar cheese, a slice of Canadian bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar.  This breakfast would be 15 WeightWatcher points or roughly half of my daily allotment of points even though it is less than 500 calories and I aim to eat 1,800 calories each day.  So, after breakfast, I would give up because I would have a client meeting where I knew there would be food, or because I would be going out to dinner with friends late in the evening.  I would quit midday.  The fear of going over my points would leave me anxiety ridden.  Calorie wise I could have made it work, but points wise, it would have been tougher.  Again, I was playing complete and utter mind games and I was self sabotaging.

I know WeightWatchers is a great program and works for many people.  But for me, a chronic binge eater with a much more severe addiction than I initially thought...well, it is very triggering for my own personal issues. Odd, because counting calories (what has been working for me) is often really really triggering for some.  You just never know what will work for you unless you try it!

So, I am calorie tracking and I am currently at a 16 pound loss.  The weight loss is slowing down, but I am not rushing it.  I really want to learn about my food addiction and what I need to do for me.  I don't care it is takes 4 years to get the weight off.  There is no rush, I am simply NOT going to ever gain the weight again.

I want food to be my friend.  Not my best friend, just a friend.  I want to enjoy food, look forward to it from time to time, and enjoy the peace and fulfillment it can provide for me.  Not there yet, but everyday food is becoming less of an enemy.

Up and Other Thoughts

I gained 3 pounds since last week.  It's okay.  Tracking is the magic for me.  I know this and yet I fight it.  When I track I lose.  My mind plays tricks on me otherwise.  I know what I have to do.  I am motivated to do it.  To get this under control for ME.  Not for my family, not for Crush.  Baby steps, baby steps.

I didn't binge yesterday.....but, I ate 3 pieces of pizza.  Big pieces.  They were scrumptious.  And I was hungry.  It was really my meal of the day in between appointments, emails, and errands.  It was weird, me versus pizza, because every bite was so yummy and controlled.  I took breaks in between pieces and still went for more.  I am trying to focus on my need to eat.  Hunger?  Anxiety? Sadness? Procrastination?  Cockiness (when people tell me I look skinny, I eat.....mind games!)?......Yesterday, I was just hungry.  I can't beat myself up for it even though I know better choices could have been made and I let myself get way too hungry.  I made a mental note and I have moved on.

Now, enough about me and my food issues.

I am so lucky that I have power, my refrigerator works, my gym is open, I can drive my car, I just took a steaming hot shower.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people on the East Coast and Caribbean who have been hit by Hurricane Sandy.  I wish you a quick recovery and I sympathize with your epic losses, I cannot imagine the devastation.  My sister is right in the area and says it is simply unlike anything she has ever seen.  Her hubby had to go to work (he works in a service type position) and she is home safe with the baby.  They have enough food for a while, she was smart to prepare.

I think about everyone who is suffering, the good people who lost loved ones, who no longer have a place to go, or a car to drive.  In a time of tragedy, I realize how self obsessed and silly I am sometimes.  It's just pizza....right?!  Like my mom says sometimes..."GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!!"

Life changes quickly.  People who were safe and warm in homes a few days ago are now homeless.  Walls, floors, and memories washed away.  Like I always say, so much can change so quickly. BE STRONG.  I wish everyone suffering the best.  It will get better, it always does. So sorry you must live through this.

Weight Status 2

I am holding steady so out of the 30 I want to lose, I am down 13 pounds.  I am happy.  I am also experiencing my monthly "gift" which always requires me to retain lots of water, so I am excited to hop on the scale come Friday and get a better reading.

It is funny, but years ago, at this very weight, the weight I am now, I would have felt and looked rather chubs.  But, now, I am fitting into smaller sizes, my face is less puffy, I actually like the number very much on me.  And yes, I did have plastic surgery to fix the tummy, so this helps too, I am sure.

I am taking it one day at a time, but I will say, I am really liking my bod these days and I am finding peace in that fact. I actually look at myself in the mirror and think....."I can work with this" and not "WHY? FUCK! HOW! I HATE MYSELF!", so like I said...progress!

Weight Status 1

I am down 8 pounds!  WHOOT!  This is progress.  I am at a number I haven't seen in OVER TWO YEARS.  I am REALLY excited.  22 pounds to go.  One day at a time here.