So, yesterday, I had lots to do and while I did it, I ate massive amounts of food. Then, I watched lots of movies on TV including Mean Girls (Lohan, WTF, seriously girl, WTF, you were so damn cute in 2004, the hair, the body, your face....you should have kept it ALL the way it was....BEAUTIFUL!....imagine if she never touched herself, she would be so gorgeous now, like a baby less than 30 Julianne Moore) and there is a part in the movie where they are showing Lohan the lunch table demographics and explaining where the jocks sit, where the Plastics sit, and one of the tables is the 'girls who eat their feelings' and I literally stopped eating my cookies and cream slow churn yogurt and almost choked....I mean, that's me....that's not who I was in high school openly in public, but it's who I am now in secret and I don't think it's funny....I am a girl that eats ALL of her feelings.....WTF?!?!?!
Why did I eat my feelings yesterday? Hmmmmmmmmm.....these are the reasons I am coming to as of now:
1. I have a lot of work to do and I am having a lot of anxiety. I am going to make a check list each and every morning in order to accomplish what needs to be done and not get all miffed about the constant email which is a part of life and business these days and there is no way to avoid it. I am averaging 75-250 emails daily which all need to be answered, so I am trying to find a way to manage it all. Catching up on weekends do help.
2. I didn't sleep at all on Friday. I stayed up all night. I dozed off for 2-3 hours. When I don't sleep, I always crave carbs and sweets. I ate a TON of them yesterday. Not cute.
3. I am feeling nervous about the person I am crushing on. I am not going to self-sabotage or use substances to feel more secure (I realize now that I used to drink tons to get from being something to being a girlfriend....like I would NEED to get drunk to discuss feelings), this time, regardless of what happens, I have vowed to be honest and open about everything. What do I really have to lose? Nothing.
The truth is that yesterday I binged. I ate mindlessly, I ate a lot, I ate until I had to lay down and I woke up with a food hangover. I made it 9 days, NOT 30 as I set out to do and that's okay. 9 days without a binge is surely progress. It is much better than where I was, binging everyday for 1 year! So, I will be starting over today, with a Binge Free: Day 1 (Cycle 2) and try for 30 days.
I do think that this time, I may just be able to get there....everyday is a battle, if I keep trying, perhaps, I will eventually win....