Things are finally happening here in Charleston! I am interviewing for jobs, walking around the city for hours while I rack up steps on my Fitbit and finding the ease of familiarity that sets in when I don't have to use my GPS to get to the gym or the grocery store.
It feels good.
I have said it a million times, but transitions are my enemy. I like the feeling of knowing exactly what will happen. I like schedules and set routines. I like knowing my way around. I need to stop being such a clenched hard-on.
Lately, I am trying my best to be in the moment. I am reading books I have always wanted to and I am finding peace (and not anxiety) in my thoughts. I am eating and sleeping better. I am trying my best to react minimally to countless last minute plans (thanks (NOT) in-laws to be) and to be open to experiencing new friends and new places.
I have mentioned it before, but I had a tummy tuck a few years ago. It was something that was encouraged by Awful and I am still conflicted that I went through with it at all. Especially because I wasn't open about it with my family. Ever since that major surgery, I know that I can't do anything that I wouldn't tell them. That is my conscious barometer.
My stomach has always been "my area." Growing up it stuck out like a shelf. When I glance at the little girl photos of me, I look like I swallowed an entire watermelon. Firm and full. By junior high, it got softer and smaller. I had one large roll when I stood and three medium rolls when I sat. Even though I had thin arms and legs, my stomach labeled me as fat and I was known as a fat girl when the boys ranked the girls. By high school, I started to get breasts and hips. My stomach flattened a bit and above the belly button, I had a very distinct waist and firm upper midsection. I could finally see my feet when I showered! Below the belly button was another story entirely. I was mushy with a soft lower belly. I was told I had a fupa (fat upper pelvic (pussy) area). I did. When I got to college, I put on weight VERY rapidly. About twenty-five pounds in a matter of weeks. I developed angry red and itchy stretch marks on my lower tummy. They haunted and depressed me every time I looked in the mirror and discouraged me from making the necessary healthy eating changes I needed to. As an eighteen year old girl, I thought to myself, "why lose weight, because of my stretch marks, I will never be able to wear a bikini anyway!" Eventually, I did lose weight. My first big weight loss came a year and a half after my first big weight gain. The stretch marks started to fade a bit and with a higher cut bikini bottom (which were in style much more in 2001 than they are now), I could even hide them.
I rode this weight roller coaster all throughout my twenties. Up and down and up again. At any weight, my stomach was never socially acceptable. It stuck out in T-shirts. Sheath dresses pulled across my lower abdomen and a-line dresses made me look ripe with child. If I had a quarter for every time someone asked me when I was due, I would have at least 10 bucks! And it never got less traumatic! The last time someone asked me, I was at my lowest adult weight which was about five years ago. I died a bit inside. All of my hardwork and discipline and exercise and Spanx and thoughtful dressing (every time I tried to wear boho flowy tops, someone asked me, so I gave those up cold turkey) and STILL….I was still being mistaken for pregnant.
When I met Awful, I was on a boat. I was wearing a bikini. I was thin for me. He later told me that he noticed my smile, my toned legs and how self conscious I was in my bathing suit. He said "the way you sat with a towel draped across your midsection, I could tell how self conscious you were about your belly." It was true. Awful knew how to pick out the weak and insecure and I was both. After we started dating he would tell me that he would "pay to have my stomach lobbed off" and he would squeeze it and call my rolls "the stormy sea." It killed me. All I wanted was a nice smooth flat tummy. I wanted to feel what it was like to not have to worry about being called pregnant by a stranger on the train.
So, one day when Awful was grabbing at my stomach and kneading it aggressively like dough, I took him up on his offer to pay for a tummy tuck. I decided that I wanted to no longer have this weight hanging around my middle. I didn't want a man to judge me for being lumpy. And this kills me. Because I actually secretly loved my stomach. My tummy was a part of me and my own stupid insecurities couldn't let me celebrate it. I am imperfect. So there.
My tummy tuck has settled and it's not without fault. I have a scar and beneath it, I still have stretch marks. I knew that both were going to be there post-operation. They are just very low and now hidden in my pubic hair area. I have two little keloid scars on my upper tummy from liposuction that accompanied my procedure. My skin is very prone to scaring and stretch marks, so this doesn't bother me all that much. The scars have been resistant to silicone sheets and injections and ointments to help reduce them and at this point, it's fine. They only person that really sees my belly is Crush and I hope to keep it this way. I know his love is so pure that he doesn't even notice my lumps, humps and bumps.
In clothes, my body has been hugely improved. Since the procedure, even at my heaviest, I have NEVER been mistaken for pregnant. This in itself pleases me to no bounds. I feel like I can go out in public and walk freely without having snooping glances thrown at me…."is she pregnant or not?!?" I look foxy in tight dresses and I love looking at myself from the side.
I know that my flat tummy may be fleeting. I will hopefully get pregnant and my stomach will change and I will embrace and love my post baby body. Sometimes I secretly look forward to my cosmetic tummy becoming undone, so it will officially erase Awful from my body. I would actually take a not so flat tummy over having to be reminded of him on a daily basis. When I look at my belly, I often think of just how AWFUL he was.
For years, all I wanted to do was to wear a bikini. It was a dream of mine. I fantasized about it in high school and cut out bikini clad models from YM for diet motivation. When I finally made my WeightWatchers goal weight in college and bought a bikini at age twenty-one, I cried tears of joy in the Dillards dressing room. But, in a two piece, I never felt confident. I positioned myself laying down strategically on lounge chairs and waited for friends to be deep in conversations before I would venture into the ocean or restroom. I hid out on pool steps, so my midsection was covered by chlorinated water and always put a towel, pillow or book in front of my belly when I wasn't soaking myself.
As I get older, I want to feel good in my skin. I want to feel proud of the person I am. Imperfections and all. Even if I am still sporting twenty or so extra pounds. Even if many of my friends still wear bikinis and still look amazing in them. So, I took a new approach and I bought a one piece. I am never going back…..
In my one pieces (I now own three that I LOVE), I feel curvy, shapely and sexy. My tummy looks flat, my shoulders look strong, I have no back fat (I hated how I looked from the back in a bikini). I feel like I can sit upright on my lounge chair and walk anywhere I want without a towel or cover up. It is extraordinarily liberating. I look forward to putting on my bathing suit and heading to the beach because I love how I look. I know I am projecting confidence and even I can't believe it, but I have been complimented at the beach several (for real) times in my new favorite one piece (retro style with black and white polka dots) and I even had a lady chase me down to ask me where I got it from (Target). I think anyone can wear anything they want to the beach, regardless of their size. For me, no matter my weight, I just never felt at peace in a two piece.
As the days to my wedding tick down, I anticipate how I will look on my big day. I don't care about being skinny anymore.
The way I want to look is HAPPY.
Showing posts with label WeightWatchers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WeightWatchers. Show all posts
Friday, May 9, 2014
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Things Are Not Always How I Think They Are...
I learned a really big lesson this past week.
I need to trust.
I need to trust myself, my family, my friends, and food.
I need to trust that food is not my worst enemy.
This past week was my first week on WeightWatchers for the 6th official time.
I followed the program 6 our of 7 days, I went to the gym 4 times, and I binged, too....
I binged all day on Saturday, but mostly on healthy things....but, still, it was emotional and mindless eating done in a frenzied and manic way.
I moped around all day on Sunday. Felt so blah. Blamed everyone (mostly Crush) for my stress and then spent a long time at the gym watching Shallow Hal on the elliptical (it was on Fox Family) and realized a lot of messages from that stupid silly movie.
Yes, Shallow Hal reminded me that it is what is on the inside that counts. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
I tossed and turned all Sunday night in a state of despair. Should I weigh in on Monday or not? Because I thought for sure I was way up in the pounds department and last Monday when I reported in, I discovered that I was 10 pounds heavier than the last time I attempted WeightWatchers mere months ago. I didn't want to face being perhaps 15 pounds heavier this week. Could I take it? I love having a bit of a pity party for myself these days.....
But, I thought.....well, Rome wasn't built in a day and I promised myself last week at WW, that I would mentally commit to the program for 1 year. That's all. I will ride this out for 1 year. The downs, the ups, the sames...I will at least try.
Last week my awesome WW leader shared something that a member told her upon her 10th time attempting to lose weight with WW and FINALLY doing it:
"I lost 60 pounds because I stopped trying to fight the plan. I stopped trying to make excuses for something not working because I didn't want it to work. I let myself go along with what I signed up to do and all of a sudden it worked."
So, I did something I hate doing before a weigh-in. I peaked at the scale on Monday morning at the gym before I went to my meeting. I wanted to prepare myself if their was a huge gain. Because I didn't want to cry. But, I didn't want to skip out because I binged. I wanted to face the scale.
And........
I was down 5.4 pounds.
That is right. 5.4 pounds gone.
I got on and off the scale 10 times. Just to check.
And when I got on the scale 45 minutes later at WeightWatchers for my official weigh-in, I was still down 5.4 pounds.
The lesson:
I sometimes do not see my own reality. Because I have failed sometimes, I set myself up to fail always. I do not always believe I am capable, so then I become incapable. The fear is in my mind.
Overall, I did well at WeightWatchers regardless of the loss because I tracked 6 out of 7 days and that is WAY better than normal procedure for me.
I am feeling ready to do this.
1 day at a time.
I need to trust.
I need to trust myself, my family, my friends, and food.
I need to trust that food is not my worst enemy.
This past week was my first week on WeightWatchers for the 6th official time.
I followed the program 6 our of 7 days, I went to the gym 4 times, and I binged, too....
I binged all day on Saturday, but mostly on healthy things....but, still, it was emotional and mindless eating done in a frenzied and manic way.
I moped around all day on Sunday. Felt so blah. Blamed everyone (mostly Crush) for my stress and then spent a long time at the gym watching Shallow Hal on the elliptical (it was on Fox Family) and realized a lot of messages from that stupid silly movie.
Yes, Shallow Hal reminded me that it is what is on the inside that counts. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
I tossed and turned all Sunday night in a state of despair. Should I weigh in on Monday or not? Because I thought for sure I was way up in the pounds department and last Monday when I reported in, I discovered that I was 10 pounds heavier than the last time I attempted WeightWatchers mere months ago. I didn't want to face being perhaps 15 pounds heavier this week. Could I take it? I love having a bit of a pity party for myself these days.....
But, I thought.....well, Rome wasn't built in a day and I promised myself last week at WW, that I would mentally commit to the program for 1 year. That's all. I will ride this out for 1 year. The downs, the ups, the sames...I will at least try.
Last week my awesome WW leader shared something that a member told her upon her 10th time attempting to lose weight with WW and FINALLY doing it:
"I lost 60 pounds because I stopped trying to fight the plan. I stopped trying to make excuses for something not working because I didn't want it to work. I let myself go along with what I signed up to do and all of a sudden it worked."
So, I did something I hate doing before a weigh-in. I peaked at the scale on Monday morning at the gym before I went to my meeting. I wanted to prepare myself if their was a huge gain. Because I didn't want to cry. But, I didn't want to skip out because I binged. I wanted to face the scale.
And........
I was down 5.4 pounds.
That is right. 5.4 pounds gone.
I got on and off the scale 10 times. Just to check.
And when I got on the scale 45 minutes later at WeightWatchers for my official weigh-in, I was still down 5.4 pounds.
The lesson:
I sometimes do not see my own reality. Because I have failed sometimes, I set myself up to fail always. I do not always believe I am capable, so then I become incapable. The fear is in my mind.
Overall, I did well at WeightWatchers regardless of the loss because I tracked 6 out of 7 days and that is WAY better than normal procedure for me.
I am feeling ready to do this.
1 day at a time.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Broken Record
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Record scratch. I know that actions speak louder than words and I have had a lot of words on this blog about weight loss and VERY LITTLE ACTION.
I am the first to admit it.....and it sucks.
You know what I have been avoiding lately.....oh yes, thatlittle big number on the scale.....my weight.
My friends, it isn't pretty.
My weight and weight loss in general comes in waves for me. The reality is that often I am simply not ready to do it. I have so many other emotional struggles I am dealing with, like sometimes, just getting out of bed, that I let myself use and abuse food for comfort and then the scale goes to places that it has never been before. Like this morning. Terrifying. Must break the cycle.
When before I mused about losing 30 pounds, I am now staring down 40-45 pounds and I am okay with this. I have been working out, going to therapy, staying active, and not stressing about clothes not fitting all that much.
I have allowed myself to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have wanted these past 2 years....it shouldn't be a surprise to me and it isn't. I have not deprived myself of anything or everything.
This past month, in the midst of a binge or a really big meal that lasts ALL day, the little voice in my head is actually telling me to stop. Progress. I may be reaching for the midnight granola bars, but I don't want them. It is just my pattern, my routine. My security blanket. But, my mind is actually wanting to stop the cycle. I feel some power over my decisions which is empowering.
Yesterday, for Father's Day, my Daddy and I went on a 40 mile bike ride. We rode on one of my favorite trails which is dirt and (thus harder to ride on than pavement) weaved in and by deeply shaded forests, open prairies, nature conservatories, little river bridges, and lily pad ponds. It is my absolute dream place to ride and my Dad is awesome company. Halfway through we stopped for lunch and I thought to myself, make a healthy choice because your body deserves it and I did and I didn't want the 20 miles on the way back to come to an end. I was enjoying the feeling of trusting my body and knowing what it could do. Even if I am 40 pounds overweight, I can still rock a 14 mile per hour pace on a heavy bike on a dirt trail and even bigger props to my almost 65 year old Daddy who is in incredible shape and often sets the pace for me!
Typically, in the midst of a grueling working....I repeat (this is embarrassing, but no secrets here), "bikini, bikini, bikini" and I imagine myself on the beach with Crush feeling so sexy and secure in my newest classic J.Crew black bikini that I cannot even wear in public now....but yesterday I chanted, "mind, body, and soul" over and over again on the steep hill climbs and it made me ride faster than ever before.
So....last night, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and thought about my body, my weight. Not the beautiful size 10 dresses, not the bikinis with tags still on them, not the future wedding dress I may be purchasing in the next year or so.....I thought about my body. I thought about the abuse I have been doing to this vessel that I am lucky enough to live in. I thought about how kind my body has been to me this year. How I can still ride 40 miles, I can still rock a spinning class, that Bar Method is a work in progress, but I can keep up. I thought about the feeling of freedom I have cruising on my bike through shoulder high sunflowers and I realized....the time is now.
Not for vanity, not for Crush, not to show Awful that I did it and look AMAZING.....but my body, myself, I deserve better. I haven't been nice to her for a long time.....the Cheetos, pizza, and ice cream will always be there and will still be enjoyed, I am not about deprivation....but the mindless, emotional eating that gets me nowhere.....well, I am dealing with it in therapy and I see a change to my mindset......yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
So, this morning, I am off to a WeightWatchers meeting. One where I will weigh in, attend the entire meeting, and take it seriously. Like I should. I plan to do so for the next 12 weeks until I move to the South and than continue down there and also continue with a new therapist that my current one recommended for me. A goal of mine has always been to be a WeightWatchers leader and I would love to accomplish it....especially because down South it seems like a more attainable goal. There are less meetings, which means that new leaders equal more times for people to come meet. Since I am not traveling at all this summer for pleasure, it is a good time to establish some routine.
I will let you know how it goes as it rolls and just like how one morning, I was ready to date again....this morning, I am ready to help my body be the healthiest she can be.
A new mindset may just bring new results.
Happy Monday!!!!
I am the first to admit it.....and it sucks.
You know what I have been avoiding lately.....oh yes, that
My friends, it isn't pretty.
My weight and weight loss in general comes in waves for me. The reality is that often I am simply not ready to do it. I have so many other emotional struggles I am dealing with, like sometimes, just getting out of bed, that I let myself use and abuse food for comfort and then the scale goes to places that it has never been before. Like this morning. Terrifying. Must break the cycle.
When before I mused about losing 30 pounds, I am now staring down 40-45 pounds and I am okay with this. I have been working out, going to therapy, staying active, and not stressing about clothes not fitting all that much.
I have allowed myself to eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I have wanted these past 2 years....it shouldn't be a surprise to me and it isn't. I have not deprived myself of anything or everything.
This past month, in the midst of a binge or a really big meal that lasts ALL day, the little voice in my head is actually telling me to stop. Progress. I may be reaching for the midnight granola bars, but I don't want them. It is just my pattern, my routine. My security blanket. But, my mind is actually wanting to stop the cycle. I feel some power over my decisions which is empowering.
Yesterday, for Father's Day, my Daddy and I went on a 40 mile bike ride. We rode on one of my favorite trails which is dirt and (thus harder to ride on than pavement) weaved in and by deeply shaded forests, open prairies, nature conservatories, little river bridges, and lily pad ponds. It is my absolute dream place to ride and my Dad is awesome company. Halfway through we stopped for lunch and I thought to myself, make a healthy choice because your body deserves it and I did and I didn't want the 20 miles on the way back to come to an end. I was enjoying the feeling of trusting my body and knowing what it could do. Even if I am 40 pounds overweight, I can still rock a 14 mile per hour pace on a heavy bike on a dirt trail and even bigger props to my almost 65 year old Daddy who is in incredible shape and often sets the pace for me!
Typically, in the midst of a grueling working....I repeat (this is embarrassing, but no secrets here), "bikini, bikini, bikini" and I imagine myself on the beach with Crush feeling so sexy and secure in my newest classic J.Crew black bikini that I cannot even wear in public now....but yesterday I chanted, "mind, body, and soul" over and over again on the steep hill climbs and it made me ride faster than ever before.
So....last night, I laid in bed with my eyes wide open and thought about my body, my weight. Not the beautiful size 10 dresses, not the bikinis with tags still on them, not the future wedding dress I may be purchasing in the next year or so.....I thought about my body. I thought about the abuse I have been doing to this vessel that I am lucky enough to live in. I thought about how kind my body has been to me this year. How I can still ride 40 miles, I can still rock a spinning class, that Bar Method is a work in progress, but I can keep up. I thought about the feeling of freedom I have cruising on my bike through shoulder high sunflowers and I realized....the time is now.
Not for vanity, not for Crush, not to show Awful that I did it and look AMAZING.....but my body, myself, I deserve better. I haven't been nice to her for a long time.....the Cheetos, pizza, and ice cream will always be there and will still be enjoyed, I am not about deprivation....but the mindless, emotional eating that gets me nowhere.....well, I am dealing with it in therapy and I see a change to my mindset......yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
So, this morning, I am off to a WeightWatchers meeting. One where I will weigh in, attend the entire meeting, and take it seriously. Like I should. I plan to do so for the next 12 weeks until I move to the South and than continue down there and also continue with a new therapist that my current one recommended for me. A goal of mine has always been to be a WeightWatchers leader and I would love to accomplish it....especially because down South it seems like a more attainable goal. There are less meetings, which means that new leaders equal more times for people to come meet. Since I am not traveling at all this summer for pleasure, it is a good time to establish some routine.
I will let you know how it goes as it rolls and just like how one morning, I was ready to date again....this morning, I am ready to help my body be the healthiest she can be.
A new mindset may just bring new results.
Happy Monday!!!!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Popcorn Passion
My Lean Pockets addiction is under control. The cure is pretty simple....I can no longer have Lean Pockets near me....too tempting. I ate 4 of them in less than 24 hours and I could have eaten another 400 if they were around.....Lean Pockets are now in the category of foods I can NEVER be left alone with which includes: pizza, Cheetos, Wheat Thins, string cheese, granola bars, pasta, ice cream, pretzels, and cereal.
Sadly, I don't even like all of the above that much (besides pizza, ice cream, and Cheetos....THOSE I ADORE!)....just when I am around them, they trigger me.
Popcorn on the other hand, is something I can trust myself around. Yes, sometimes, I pop 2 snack sized bags, but it is much better than eating an entire box of Wheat Thins.
My popcorn obsession began in college when it was a very safe and low point option when I first did WeightWatchers. Now, since the WW program changes just about every 2 years, it is not that friendly, but still a better salty snack choice when I really need something crunchy (AND A CARROT WILL NOT DO!) which is just about every afternoon.....OY!
Enter Orville Redenbacher's Natural Popcorn Lime & Salt. I know it sounds weird, but it isn't. Mexican food had a lot of corn based delicacies and salt and lime are often used to emphasize flavors.
I get mine at Wal-Mart. It is sometimes a bit tricky to find at the grocery store and Amazon (the link I provided) has it, too.
YUM. This stuff is perfection for me. Salty, crunchy, a bit greasy....it feels super bad, but it isn't THAT bad. A single serving bag (a large portion, more than a 100 cal bag) is 6 WeightWatchers points and some days it is so worth it for me.
I find this popcorn tastes a lot like the lime and salt chips from Chipotle. I go to Chipotle for a burrito bowl, but really in my heart for the chips because I ALWAYS have to get them and a bag of those babies without even guac are too many points to count....
Whenever I have dieted before, it has always been about deprivation until now. I am finding better success when I swap something I love for something I love that is less calories, but equally satisfying. For me, this popcorn works. Hope you will love it if you decide to try it!
Sadly, I don't even like all of the above that much (besides pizza, ice cream, and Cheetos....THOSE I ADORE!)....just when I am around them, they trigger me.
Popcorn on the other hand, is something I can trust myself around. Yes, sometimes, I pop 2 snack sized bags, but it is much better than eating an entire box of Wheat Thins.
My popcorn obsession began in college when it was a very safe and low point option when I first did WeightWatchers. Now, since the WW program changes just about every 2 years, it is not that friendly, but still a better salty snack choice when I really need something crunchy (AND A CARROT WILL NOT DO!) which is just about every afternoon.....OY!
Enter Orville Redenbacher's Natural Popcorn Lime & Salt. I know it sounds weird, but it isn't. Mexican food had a lot of corn based delicacies and salt and lime are often used to emphasize flavors.
I get mine at Wal-Mart. It is sometimes a bit tricky to find at the grocery store and Amazon (the link I provided) has it, too.
YUM. This stuff is perfection for me. Salty, crunchy, a bit greasy....it feels super bad, but it isn't THAT bad. A single serving bag (a large portion, more than a 100 cal bag) is 6 WeightWatchers points and some days it is so worth it for me.
I find this popcorn tastes a lot like the lime and salt chips from Chipotle. I go to Chipotle for a burrito bowl, but really in my heart for the chips because I ALWAYS have to get them and a bag of those babies without even guac are too many points to count....
Whenever I have dieted before, it has always been about deprivation until now. I am finding better success when I swap something I love for something I love that is less calories, but equally satisfying. For me, this popcorn works. Hope you will love it if you decide to try it!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Where There Is A Will, There Is A Weigh
Guess what?
WW is going well.
I have been on point and feeling satisfied since Saturday. It is only 4 days on program, but it is progress. I am seeing a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time of course.
Weird, but I have been following WeightWatchers according to their guidelines and it is easier than I thought it would be. I know, I know....the stupidity in the above sentence even shocks me and I wrote it! I am getting in the recommended amounts of water, dairy, fruits and veggies, healthy oils, and even my multivitamin. I have been feeling satisfied.
As I was chopping melon this morning, it got me thinking that I am happy, empowered, and in control when I eat "on point" and yet I fight it. The last 4 days, I have been super productive and I know my diet and mindset (I will do this!) is spilling over positively into all aspects of my life.
For years, I padded myself with extra weight to protect myself. From men and mostly, from my own emotions. And then I met the man who completes me when I was heavy for me. When my skin had bad psoriasis flares from stress, weight gain, and self doubt. Yet, I never feel self conscious with Crush. I feel good all the time about my body when I am around him...I get proudly naked, I let him keep on the lights, I wear lingerie. He makes me feel gorgeous.
So....this weight loss journey is really for me. Not for Crush. Not for the boys that called me Ogre when I was in 7th grade. Not for guy in college who I thought was my friend who called me a hippo. Not for the people on the bus or at my work who asked me when I was due (one of the reasons why I got a tummy tuck). Not for Awful who told me I was becoming a fat girl and dressing like one. This is for me. ALL ME.
I want to lose the weight. To feel free, open, vulnerable....to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want to gain again because I am content, bored, sad, or depressed. No more self-sabotaging. I want to see, taste, and feel it all...without the layer of protection. Without the excuse that my life isn't what it could be simply because I am overweight. Being fat has always been the excuse I use when someone doesn't like me, when I am not invited somewhere, when I don't get what I think I deserve....it's flawed reasoning and it needs to go.
One new improvement I am starting is that I not going to get on the scale everyday. Why? Because Monday is my weigh-in day at WeightWatchers and very often it takes an entire week to see a change on the scale. When I get on the scale 3 times a day and I don't see a difference, I give up. It is silly, but it makes me feel bad and since I need to help myself succeed, scale gets stepped on only on Mondays.
Happy Hump Day and XXX,
Ready & Fading
WW is going well.
I have been on point and feeling satisfied since Saturday. It is only 4 days on program, but it is progress. I am seeing a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time of course.
Weird, but I have been following WeightWatchers according to their guidelines and it is easier than I thought it would be. I know, I know....the stupidity in the above sentence even shocks me and I wrote it! I am getting in the recommended amounts of water, dairy, fruits and veggies, healthy oils, and even my multivitamin. I have been feeling satisfied.
As I was chopping melon this morning, it got me thinking that I am happy, empowered, and in control when I eat "on point" and yet I fight it. The last 4 days, I have been super productive and I know my diet and mindset (I will do this!) is spilling over positively into all aspects of my life.
For years, I padded myself with extra weight to protect myself. From men and mostly, from my own emotions. And then I met the man who completes me when I was heavy for me. When my skin had bad psoriasis flares from stress, weight gain, and self doubt. Yet, I never feel self conscious with Crush. I feel good all the time about my body when I am around him...I get proudly naked, I let him keep on the lights, I wear lingerie. He makes me feel gorgeous.
So....this weight loss journey is really for me. Not for Crush. Not for the boys that called me Ogre when I was in 7th grade. Not for guy in college who I thought was my friend who called me a hippo. Not for the people on the bus or at my work who asked me when I was due (one of the reasons why I got a tummy tuck). Not for Awful who told me I was becoming a fat girl and dressing like one. This is for me. ALL ME.
I want to lose the weight. To feel free, open, vulnerable....to experience my life to the fullest. I don't want to gain again because I am content, bored, sad, or depressed. No more self-sabotaging. I want to see, taste, and feel it all...without the layer of protection. Without the excuse that my life isn't what it could be simply because I am overweight. Being fat has always been the excuse I use when someone doesn't like me, when I am not invited somewhere, when I don't get what I think I deserve....it's flawed reasoning and it needs to go.
One new improvement I am starting is that I not going to get on the scale everyday. Why? Because Monday is my weigh-in day at WeightWatchers and very often it takes an entire week to see a change on the scale. When I get on the scale 3 times a day and I don't see a difference, I give up. It is silly, but it makes me feel bad and since I need to help myself succeed, scale gets stepped on only on Mondays.
Happy Hump Day and XXX,
Ready & Fading
Friday, April 12, 2013
Weighing My Options
Back to my favorite subject I hate to address.....my weight. Oy oy oy!
So......I had to take the bull by the horns. Houston, we do have a problem.
I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.
So, I am back in the saddle. I resigned up for WeightWatchers.
I know....been there, done that.
This time, I really do feel ready.
You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW. I have failed so many times before. BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly. I played with the plan. I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it. I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.
Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program. I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.
Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.
As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year. Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens. I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.
I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!
So......I had to take the bull by the horns. Houston, we do have a problem.
I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.
So, I am back in the saddle. I resigned up for WeightWatchers.
I know....been there, done that.
This time, I really do feel ready.
You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW. I have failed so many times before. BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly. I played with the plan. I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it. I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.
Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program. I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.
Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.
As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year. Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens. I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.
I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Diet & Binge Updates
Since I returned from the South, I have lost the weight I gained over the holiday, but I haven't lost any more. I am fine with this. Since recommitting to myself, I have lost 7 pounds total, I have 25 to go. I am basically where I have been for a while, holding steady.
I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan. It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this. I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points. It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700). For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes. I am over it. I want to eat real, pure, and realistically. WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.
I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive. She gets it. I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.
The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have. I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way. I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.
So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges. Because it is a daily struggle. I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this. This is emotional. This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.
Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control. My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly. Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.
I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept. I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist. I did buy the book just because I am interested. For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.
I will keep you posted!
I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan. It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this. I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points. It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700). For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes. I am over it. I want to eat real, pure, and realistically. WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.
I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive. She gets it. I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.
The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have. I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way. I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.
So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges. Because it is a daily struggle. I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this. This is emotional. This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.
Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control. My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly. Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.
I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept. I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist. I did buy the book just because I am interested. For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.
I will keep you posted!
Monday, December 24, 2012
WeightWatchers Week 2
Merry Xmas all!
I hope all is well and you have a wonderful time with family and friends!
As a Jew, I am using this time to catch up on work and eat pickles. I am so into pickles these days. I am not preggie, I am just loving pickles, I am turning into Snooki (remember how much she loved pickles even before she was pregnant)...yum, pickles!!!!
So, today was my second WeightWatchers weigh-in.
Positives for the week: I worked out a bunch and it felt great and I tracked everything I ate.
Negatives for the week: I also went out to eat 5 times and indulged too which included a huge apple torte with ice cream and several (seriously) demi baguettes of warm french bread with sweet butter....HEAVEN!
Typical me would have been to simply give up after indulging at a restaurant because of my all or nothing mentality. But, I held myself accountable and tracked it all, even though it wasn't pretty. This was a huge step for me as I typically eat tons, binge, gain 30 pounds, and then realize it when my pants don't get past my ankles because denial is my middle name.....I am sick of it, so I am finally making myself accountable, it feels good.
I figured out how to salvage the week and got some extra workouts in to compensate. I ate pretty clean for the majority of my non restaurant meals and slept 8 hours a night. I had a great loss, 3 pounds! Very pleased and I am getting some great workouts in this week before I leave for Charleston.
Moral of the story, I didn't play the typical mind games I usually play with myself and give up midweek, I actually tried and I had a good loss.
This isn't easy, but it isn't as hard as I make it. I like to hide from the truth, but I am sick of doing it, its so exhausting.
I know I am going to get this weight off for real, I just know it. My blockage has always been in my mind. It is clicking, finally.
Everyone enjoy and I am going to get some pickles!
Week 1: -1
Week 2: - 3
TOTAL: - 4
I hope all is well and you have a wonderful time with family and friends!
As a Jew, I am using this time to catch up on work and eat pickles. I am so into pickles these days. I am not preggie, I am just loving pickles, I am turning into Snooki (remember how much she loved pickles even before she was pregnant)...yum, pickles!!!!
So, today was my second WeightWatchers weigh-in.
Positives for the week: I worked out a bunch and it felt great and I tracked everything I ate.
Negatives for the week: I also went out to eat 5 times and indulged too which included a huge apple torte with ice cream and several (seriously) demi baguettes of warm french bread with sweet butter....HEAVEN!
Typical me would have been to simply give up after indulging at a restaurant because of my all or nothing mentality. But, I held myself accountable and tracked it all, even though it wasn't pretty. This was a huge step for me as I typically eat tons, binge, gain 30 pounds, and then realize it when my pants don't get past my ankles because denial is my middle name.....I am sick of it, so I am finally making myself accountable, it feels good.
I figured out how to salvage the week and got some extra workouts in to compensate. I ate pretty clean for the majority of my non restaurant meals and slept 8 hours a night. I had a great loss, 3 pounds! Very pleased and I am getting some great workouts in this week before I leave for Charleston.
Moral of the story, I didn't play the typical mind games I usually play with myself and give up midweek, I actually tried and I had a good loss.
This isn't easy, but it isn't as hard as I make it. I like to hide from the truth, but I am sick of doing it, its so exhausting.
I know I am going to get this weight off for real, I just know it. My blockage has always been in my mind. It is clicking, finally.
Everyone enjoy and I am going to get some pickles!
Week 1: -1
Week 2: - 3
TOTAL: - 4
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The Very Last Thing
I have a few goals for 2013 that I really want to accomplish. I plan to make a post about them soon to hold me accountable, but one is so important that I am dedicating this here post to it......you know what I am going to say......I must get the rest of the weight off.
I am actually okay at the weight I am at. I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness. I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling. Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.
I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man. I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out. Swoon. I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships. Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.
Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private). Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there). I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place. I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy. My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.
This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty. There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss. We will see. If there isn't, next week will be better. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.
I am ready to do this once and for all. 16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready. I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME. Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!
I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.
35 pounds is not going to define me.
I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off. With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.
For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life, I simply feel ready.
I am actually okay at the weight I am at. I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness. I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling. Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.
I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man. I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out. Swoon. I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships. Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.
Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private). Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there). I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place. I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy. My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.
This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty. There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss. We will see. If there isn't, next week will be better. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.
I am ready to do this once and for all. 16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready. I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME. Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!
I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.
35 pounds is not going to define me.
I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off. With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.
For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life, I simply feel ready.
Monday, December 17, 2012
WeightWatchers Week 1
-1 pound. I am pleased. I binged all weekend as that is how I deal with my emotions.
I didn't track everything and I aim to really be conscious and clued in this week.
I make things way too hard for myself.
I am committed to doing this. Not trying, doing. I don't care how long it takes.
I didn't track everything and I aim to really be conscious and clued in this week.
I make things way too hard for myself.
I am committed to doing this. Not trying, doing. I don't care how long it takes.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Here We Go Again
After much thought and over-analization, I decided to rejoin WeightWatchers. Oy. This is my 6th time.
I have been very successful on it twice, but I have yet to maintain my 30 pound losses or really improve my habits for life, the point of the program. I have always wanted to change for life, but I am ALL about instant gratification and immediate results, so I play with the program and basically cheat it into working FAST and the minute I stop tracking, I blow up again.
For the last few weeks, I have been struggling. I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating when I am not hungry, turning to junk food for comfort, and procrastinating about going to the gym. I am so ALL or NOTHING as I have mentioned countless times before.
Last week, I started thinking about the times in my life when I ate for satisfaction, I had control over my intake, and I looked best.........and all I could think about was WeightWatchers when I actually followed the program correctly and didn't need instant results (this happened once in my weight loss journey). I know it doesn't work for many people, but it seems to work for me, mostly because I like playing games and WeightWatchers is a game with the points values and whatnot. If you haven't ever checked it out, I do recommend it, but the losses are SLOW, so keep that in mind.
This past Monday (2 days ago), I went to a WeightWatchers meeting. I got myself in the door and on the scale and I saw a number I wasn't happy with, but it didn't surprise me. I have 37 pounds to lose to get to goal according to WeightWatchers. Since, I am a big lady and broad, I am thinking more like 25 pounds, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.
So, something happened that has NEVER happened before, the leader, a fundamental part of the program....was AWESOME! I have never ever liked or related to the person running the meeting (the leader) until now. She reminded me of me or perhaps the kind of person I would aspire to be someday! She had this warmness and energy that is addicting, I just wanted to crawl right into her arms. After the meeting, as a newly rejoined member, I stayed after to set goals and get a refresher on the program and my new leader, Ann, asked me why I came in, what made me wake up and drive to the meeting.......I had to think about it all for a second and responded:
" I am ready, I really can't stand playing around with food anymore and I want to get this under control, so I can be a better and more grounded person all around."
Ann told me, "You will do it this time, I know it, you will make this work for you for the longterm, 6th time is a charm. All the times before have been practice and have prepared you, but this time, this time is for you and it for real."
What Ann said made me think of my wonderful Crush. All the men before him taught me so much about myself, but they were practice, they were for preparation, now things with Crush have been super easy because I am ready! Perhaps WeightWatchers this time will be just like that.
I replied to Ann, "I will try."
She responded, "No you won't try, YOU WILL! The difference this time is that you will NOT try, you will and I am going to help you get there. Start reframing your thoughts, there is no TRYING in this, there is only DOING!"
I am so excited! Weigh-ins are on Mondays and I will post my statuses each week.
Hope all is well with everyone and so good to be back!
I have been very successful on it twice, but I have yet to maintain my 30 pound losses or really improve my habits for life, the point of the program. I have always wanted to change for life, but I am ALL about instant gratification and immediate results, so I play with the program and basically cheat it into working FAST and the minute I stop tracking, I blow up again.
For the last few weeks, I have been struggling. I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating when I am not hungry, turning to junk food for comfort, and procrastinating about going to the gym. I am so ALL or NOTHING as I have mentioned countless times before.
Last week, I started thinking about the times in my life when I ate for satisfaction, I had control over my intake, and I looked best.........and all I could think about was WeightWatchers when I actually followed the program correctly and didn't need instant results (this happened once in my weight loss journey). I know it doesn't work for many people, but it seems to work for me, mostly because I like playing games and WeightWatchers is a game with the points values and whatnot. If you haven't ever checked it out, I do recommend it, but the losses are SLOW, so keep that in mind.
This past Monday (2 days ago), I went to a WeightWatchers meeting. I got myself in the door and on the scale and I saw a number I wasn't happy with, but it didn't surprise me. I have 37 pounds to lose to get to goal according to WeightWatchers. Since, I am a big lady and broad, I am thinking more like 25 pounds, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.
So, something happened that has NEVER happened before, the leader, a fundamental part of the program....was AWESOME! I have never ever liked or related to the person running the meeting (the leader) until now. She reminded me of me or perhaps the kind of person I would aspire to be someday! She had this warmness and energy that is addicting, I just wanted to crawl right into her arms. After the meeting, as a newly rejoined member, I stayed after to set goals and get a refresher on the program and my new leader, Ann, asked me why I came in, what made me wake up and drive to the meeting.......I had to think about it all for a second and responded:
" I am ready, I really can't stand playing around with food anymore and I want to get this under control, so I can be a better and more grounded person all around."
Ann told me, "You will do it this time, I know it, you will make this work for you for the longterm, 6th time is a charm. All the times before have been practice and have prepared you, but this time, this time is for you and it for real."
What Ann said made me think of my wonderful Crush. All the men before him taught me so much about myself, but they were practice, they were for preparation, now things with Crush have been super easy because I am ready! Perhaps WeightWatchers this time will be just like that.
I replied to Ann, "I will try."
She responded, "No you won't try, YOU WILL! The difference this time is that you will NOT try, you will and I am going to help you get there. Start reframing your thoughts, there is no TRYING in this, there is only DOING!"
I am so excited! Weigh-ins are on Mondays and I will post my statuses each week.
Hope all is well with everyone and so good to be back!
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