I know I am conflicted when it comes to love.
I REALLY want to get married because: I want to have a partner for life, a true best friend that ALWAYS puts me first, an understanding of the commitment of love that may only come with a marriage certificate (why I am a HUGE advocate of ALL kinds of marriage), and my own little safe place in this world that I feel only a marital bed complete with top of the line hotel quality and wedding registry provided sheets can provide.
I DON'T REALLY want to get married because: I don't want a man to tell me how to spend my money, I am selfish with my time and like to spend the majority of it alone or with a few very select people when I am not working, and something about marriage, especially when a woman chooses to stay home, feels like a modern form of prostitution to me, like raising a child and staying at home is the HARDEST job in the world, but modern society and most men do not consider it to be or are conflicted, so mamas bust their behinds raising kids to be somewhat degraded by society...am I alone here????? Some of the people I love most in the world are indeed stay at home mamas and are excellent at it and I respect them immensely for it, but the men I have been with don't and speak openly about it....so much to think about....
I THINK TOO MUCH! I overanalyze myself out of any normalcy....
So, sometimes when I am alone, I think about my wedding. I don't think about it in terms of my dress, or the music, or the linen, or anything like that (well sometimes I do, but not in a definite way). I think mostly about the vows I will say to my husband to be, the seriousness of my commitment, and then I cry about it while I am driving (because I always have these thoughts when I am driving, alone in my car, listening to my sad music....) and then I sometimes say them aloud to myself, here goes:
Dear Husband to Be,
Thank you for finding me. Thank you for being patient enough to know I was coming to be your wife and perhaps the mother of our unborn children, thank you for accomplishing so many great things in your life independently of me, so we could fall in love so truly, so quickly (NOTE: my soul mate will not make me wait because I am impatient and I am too old to have someone need more than 1 year to know if I am right for them), thank you for being honest with me about your expectations of me and the life you want to have together.
I never knew if I believed in love before I met you. I was always reaching, bending, reshaping myself, to make myself fit for someone, so when I met you, I was surprised most of all. I could be myself: my worst self, my best self, my true self, and I didn't have to worry that you wouldn't accept me. From the very first times we met, it felt right. You never made me doubt you, you didn't bring out my insecurities, you have been the lighthouse in the stormy sea that is my life, you have rescued me from my self-doubt and you have made me feel safe and warm.
You have taught me that good things come to those who wait. You have showed me to be patient (SO HARD FOR ME), honest, and to believe in myself always. Together, we are better than we ever were apart. Together, we are a team, navigating life together. I will always be on your side, I take the commitment of marriage very seriously, I am here to be your one and only forever and I am fortunate that I have had a very complete and busy life before we met, because I was ready for you. Life is all about timing and you came to me when it was our time.
As the very fine and talented Tom Cruise said in the epic film, Jerry Maquire, "You complete me."
Your Very Hot and Sexy and Barely Looks a Day Over 29 Wife to Be