Clean and Dirty

Sometimes I wonder how lucky I am to still be alive.

I was never really into hard drugs, but I did a bunch of stupid shit in my life.  I loved getting wasted, I made moronic decisions and I took insane risks.

For some reason, I am SUPER sad about the recent passing of Finn from Glee.  I only watched the first season before I tired of it, but he seemed kind and reminded me of a boy in high school I once crushed on so super bad.  I made him out to be this pure person without knowing anything about his personal non-Glee life.

Heroin terrifies me.  I just don't get it, but I have never tried it.  I have seen Intervention and Trainspotting and sitting on a bare mattress with your eyes all rolled back in your head drooling while you pee and vomit and poop yourself.  Not sexy.

If we want to glorify a drug, let's dump an eight ball of coke on the table and snort it up before we dance on the table with our high heels on.

In a past life, I loved smoking pot.  I am better stoned than drunk.  I get silly, I tell stories, I love listening to music.  I am actually good high company.  Trust me.  I also get the munchies super bad, so it isn't something I would partake in so much these days in light of my food issues.  Oh yeah, I also have no brain cells or memory left to spare from all of my years of living the high good life.

Crush is pure.  He isn't much of the party pants.  He can count the times he has been really drunk on 2 hands.  He has never smoked pot and I respect him.  Hell, I was always susceptible to peer pressure because I wanted to escape from myself and fit in.  I give him great credit for being able to be himself, unaltered.

But, Crush is DIRTY.  Dirty in bed and dirty in life.

The dirty in life gets to me much worse than the other kind of dirty.

Crush lives in a way that is disgusting to me.  Messy.  Shit everywhere.  His white t's have a brown tint from the way he washes them.  His toilet reminded me of the grossest bathroom in America which just so happens to be at a bar at my alma mater.  The icing on the gross cake was him telling me that he hasn't washed his bed sheets or towels in months when I asked him.  And yes, I knew the answer before I inquired as everything in his place smelled a little sour, like a frat house.

I have never stayed at his place because filth like his gives me the creepy crawly willies.  IT MAKES ME HAVE NIGHTMARES.

Yet, I was once SO DIRTY.  Like when I think back on how I used to live in college and my early 20's, I gag.  Yes, I just gagged.  I was so super disgusting that I was almost equal to Crush.  I should have saved my rent money because I could have lived in a dumpster with my former standard of cleanliness.

I used to admire my friends for being able to live so neatly.  It didn't come easily to me and then one day I woke up and I was living alone and had some space and my own closets and the OCD set it.  Clean as a whistle.

If Crush will let me, I will help him clean out his place little by little before we ever move in together.  It isn't exactly Hoarders bad, but it is FAR from good.

I may call College Hunks Hauling Junk to help Crush reduce his mess.

I will have me some dirty thoughts of my own while we get clean.

Dirty Boy

I remember just a year ago, sobbing my eyes out that I wanted a man.  Every friend that found a guy, who became her fiance, who became her husband, and who then became the father of her children.....oy!  There was only so much I could take. Turn the knife in my heart.  I was a bitter Betty.  A green-eyed monster.  A real pill if I do say so myself.

I wanted my time.  My man.  My ring.  My wedding.  My baby.

Now, I think it just may be happening and it has its pros AND its cons.

As is life.

I am finding that I love more things about being in a relationship than being single (and I fully believe I found my soul mate), but I miss more things about being single than I thought I would, too.

Sometimes it is just really nice to eat Peanut Butter Panda Puffs Cereal (gluten-free!) at 3:00 am in bed when you can't sleep while simultaneously reading Daily Mail......this is hard when you like to do it with the lights on, Panda Puffs are a very crunchy snack and make tons of noise...and oh yes, there is a man trying to sleep next to you!

I get how bad being single can feel some times.  The emptiness.  The solitude.  The wanting.  It really is one of the worst feelings in the world.  I truly sympathize with anyone who wants love and is seeking it.  As I have said before: PLEASE DO NOT SETTLE!  Everyone deserves the REAL thing when they are ready.  Finding that takes time.....sometimes I think if I was granted 3 wishes by a magical genie, 1 of them would be "for everyone who wants love to find it instantly."  Because I know the dating process....well, don't mind my language, but it is FUCKING EXCRUCIATING.

But......... I also know when I was single, my favorite vintage wrap dress (ebay score!) didn't have 3 moth holes.

Let me explain....

Crush is a dirty boy and I am not talking about in bed.  He is literally a slob upon slobs.  I fear Hoarders on A&E quality.

The way he lives disgusts me.  And yes, he has moths.  And because I hung some of my dresses in a closet with some of his infested sweaters....2 of my dresses now have holes and I had to dry-clean everything else in my wardrobe.

The one and only time (we stay other places when I visit as he is very blessed to have these options) I visited his home, I gagged.  Tears sprung to my eyes.  It felt like my past was my present, like I was in my own version of Dicken's, A Christmas Carol.

Many moons ago, I was the biggest slob I knew.  Like Crush, I have always been great about my personal hygiene, but my room, oh my, my room....it was a garbage can.  Clothes on the floor, dirty dishes under the bed, unopened mail....the works.  I lived somewhat like this until I was 26 and finally got my depression under control.  I was living alone and my anxiety and OCD were on the downswing.  All of a sudden, the daily tasks that I hated became less of a big deal: dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom....they became routine and something I started to not even think about doing.

When I asked Crush the last time he washed his sheets a few weeks ago when he was trying to convince me to stay at his home...he replied, "a few months, I don't know, maybe September."

THE MAN HAS NOT WASHED HIS SHEETS SINCE SEPTEMBER!!!!!!!!

I couldn't help it.  I burst into tears.  I never said I was good at controlling my emotions.

I am sure everyone is wondering why this man cannot clean his room.  I know that was my first thought....

The truth is because he doesn't want to.  It isn't that important to him.  He lived a charmed life with live-in help and the only time he ever HAD to clean his room was when he went to boarding school and I know while he was there, his room HAD to be spotless.  It was checked daily in the AM and PM.  It gave him horrible anxiety.  He had a terrible time at boarding school (he HATED it, but completed it as it is his family way) and I think chaos makes him feel more in control than cleanliness.

(SIDE-NOTE: I am the ONLY one that knows just how much and how hard boarding school was for Crush.  I want him to journal his experiences...they are CRAZY.  Like 15 year-olds doing coke at 2:00 pm on a Tuesday while they do their homework and then calling their nannies while hysterically crying because their moms will not accept their calls and are in exotic countries vacationing semi-permanently and they only see them on Xmas for 3 days a year.....also, Crush is such a gentle soul, this was A LOT for him to handle....Between us, I think I could have found such out bursts to be rather entertaining, but I am sure not when I was 15 and sharing a room with it....)

So, what is a girl to do?

I had to have a sincere conversation with Crush and let him know that I need him to either clean up his space adequately or continue to plan to make other arrangements as needed for us to stay until I move full-time.  It looks like we won't be staying there for a while.  I am not a princess, but his room is the size of a pantry and he has a bed, desk, 3 filing cabinets, a TV, an armoire, and 2 bed side tables in this box.  If I was looking at it from a potential renter's perspective,  I would question if a full sized bed would fit in it and he has a king.....I mean, ONLY a bed and NO other furniture.

I begged him to get College Hunks Hauling Junk in......it is that bad.

When Crush and I are together, our relationship is rather traditional.  I make meals, I clean up, I do our laundry.  His mess is not really an issue as I take care of it as it appears.  It never really has a chance to manifest into something inhabitable, like his place.  I do not feel overwhelmed by it.  From being a former slob, I know how to nip it in the bud.

We will have a traditional marriage.  I think I will be able to pursue personal accomplishments and work for satisfaction and not for economic gain.  This works for me, but I know that this is not for everyone.  Keep in mind, I met Crush online and knew NONE of his situation until the 4th time we saw each other.....when I met his family it ALL started to make sense...I felt like I was in a movie or something......AND DUH!.....Crush is accomplished, but it is family accomplishments of the past that have lent to his particular situation.

Crush wants me to stay at home with our children and I am happy about this.  My mom stayed home with Sissy and me and my Sissy stays home with Big Baby and Little Baby, and Crush's mom stayed home with him and his siblings.  But, again, I prepare myself that the grass is ALWAYS greener....with the staying home, too.  Some of my friends who work the hardest are the ones that stay at home with their babies....everything is situational.  This is a personal choice that a couple makes.  There are pros and cons here and I know this can be a hot button topic and I understand and I wish I had the answers.

But, a part of me fears the "R" word....yes, resentment.  Will I start to resent Crush that I MUST clean if I don't want to live in a landfill?  Is this something I can deal with on a daily basis?

I know he won't change because he can't.  He has lived ALL of his life minus 3 years (boarding school) with either a lady in waiting or no consequences for his GROSS ASS MESS.

I just know that one day, if I agree to marry him, his mess will be a part of our lives for better or worse.....

I think I can handle it, but it is one of the reasons I want some practice time when I move next year before we get engaged.  I need to see the mess up-close and personal.

If there was ever a major deal breaker for me.....it would be a sheet last washed in September.....

Family Matters

Didn't you just love Family Matters with Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel? My favorite thing was when nerdy Steve would turn into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle (who was Steve Urkel without the nerd glasses, hitched up pants, and suspenders), and woo Laura Winslow.....my Nana and I used to just lap that guy up.....SWOON. TGIF on ABC forever.  Yes, that includes Dinosaurs, Step by Step, and Full House.  Man I miss my Nana, she would watch with me and we would babysit each other every Friday from 7-9 pm while we ate lo main.....I would seriously give up 6 months of my life to get to live one of those TGIFs in with my Nana now at age 31 and not age 8...didn't appreciate enough when I could.

I digress......I am doing it again.  The ME.  The Ready and Fading Signature Move.  Let me introduce....the one, the only.....LE MELTDOWN.

Ah, yes, we are here.

The time when I realize that I am transitioning from one life experience to another and I freeze up, get rigid, get afraid, and self sabotage.

It happens when the scale is going down.....one day, I will wake up, give up, and eat that chocolate and ice cream I love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Or, I will promise something to a client and then cut it right to the deadline second because I am watching the Wendy Williams show.  Perhaps, I will get ready to go out for a night on the town and start thinking about Awful and then I will put my pjs back on and get back into bed with some Fritos because ditching plans is better than the .0000000005 percent chance that Awful will be eating tapas at the same restaurant I am going to on a busy Saturday night in a major city.

When I am ready to succeed, I let myself almost fail.  It is this really BAD habit and I know I can't always help it.  The rush of adrenaline I get from the ice cream binge, the last second success, or the doing what I need to do to protect me....it is something I can't stop doing. WHY?

Anxiety is not fun. 

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  This is new for us.  This is real.  I HATE it.

Most of the animosity is coming from miscommunication.  I was raised to talk about doodie (poops), sissy (pee), and fertzies (farts) and to be free and natural and open.  Maybe too open.  I mean, I like to feel it all...the sad, the bad, the mad, the she didn't even know what she had......  Crush, he is FORMAL.  Pent up, really (everywhere, but in the bed).  He is forced with his social interactions to the point of being socially awkward, sometimes.  Everything just feels so SCRIPTED unless it is just us two together or we are out with my family.  I am not enjoying this. I like real.  I like raw.  I like fresh.

I accused Crush of having some processing and emotional issues.  I do think that he has coping mechanisms in place to deal with his family and I probably have no idea what is really going on. They are lovely and kind and welcoming and accepting, but they are NOT my family.  They don't bite the tushies of babies and eat ice cream all together in one bed and have breath wars (Honey Boo Boo's family stole this game from mine), well, because they are not disgusting like my little bunch.  But with the formality comes a bit of coolness and I am such a warm blooded little lap doggie.  I attract the loons and the loneliest because of this.

Crush doesn't let anyone in, but me.  Yes, me.  Chosen I am.  I guess this is how it should be.  He cries to me, he shows me his hand, but he is still loyal to his family way as he should be.  When he gets around his own family he turns into a mute who can't speak up, act like a man, or hold eye contact.  With my family, he is totally (well... he is still a total clumsy clod) fine and fun and light and open.


OF COURSE, upon talking to a special bestie today, she gave me the BEST advice and told me to STAY out of it, WAY out of it.  She is happily married and knows that the easiest way to coexist and not get smothered is to stay out, but stay respectful and I know this is EXACTLY what I need to do....it's just that I live so heavy with my heart that I can never not give 110 percent, but I am going to try to be a bit more reserved this time around, I do think it will help me in the long run.

I want to be with a man who is a gentleman, but then I am super hard on Crush to loosen up.  How is this fair?  I am giving mixed messages to a man who is already a bit emotionally mixed up.  Not good, not good.  I want my little place with my Crush.  I need it.  And yet, I know his family comes with it and they are awesome, don't get me wrong, but they aren't my family and maybe this is where my anger and hostility are coming from....I am moving to be with him, to his state, and I will be close to his family and I am scared.....I will miss mine so much, it will be a hard time transitioning.

I said it.

I am terrified.

Because I never met a transition that didn't flip me out, fatten me up, and knock me flat on my bottom.

Let us all hope that this one will finally be different.