Crush and I are doing a bunch better lately.
For a while there it was fight fight fight at all costs (Ani Difranco reference for any fans out there....I love her). We just couldn't get on the same page. Much of the drama and tension were coming from a big issue that needed attention, Crush's processing issue.
Crush is now getting help. I am SUPER proud of him. I see a huge difference and he is taking the steps necessary to make himself a better communicator. In turn, our friendship and relationship have improved and I am feeling safe again in our little boat. For a while there, we were in the middle of a brewing dating hurricane.
Crush's mind works a bit different than mine. He is a big dreamer. He swept me right off my feet with his grand gestures and big ideas.
A few months ago, I realized that we had a problem.
I was observing this pattern of huge promises (which I do believe he is capable of doing and which I do believe WILL happen) in unrealistic time frames.
I had to take note of it for a while because I couldn't tell if this sense of utter urgency and then total slacking was coming from entitlement or something in his brain..As I have mentioned it before, we don't come from the same background, so with money and stability comes the ability to do things quickly that some would have to plan months or years for. Translation = something sparkly isn't something Crush has to necessarily save for (even though I know he is currently saving because he is wonderful with investing and all that stuff that sounds just like when adults talk in Snoopy when you tell me..."wahwahwahwah").
After a few weeks of utter frustration waiting to hear about all of these things he was "still working on and trying to figure out", I lost my composure and went rather postal.
I screamed, "don't say it unless you mean it because I take your word for it!"
This was in response to many little open ended things and one big huge gigantic major one....
Around Valentine's Day, Crush had told me that he had started to investigate engagement rings and didn't know if he could wait until I moved to propose to me.
The man didn't think about anything past that. There is no ring and it won't be on my finger in the next 2 months. I know this for a fact. I know that I am 32 years young and I am feeling like I am in a pressure cooker trying to lock it down.
I do feel that when I get my ring, I can breathe. Love has NEVER felt like this before, but I have been here. In a place I felt would end in marriage and it didn't. So....well, I don't like the gray zone. Waiting for someone to ask you to to be their wife....well, it FUCKING sucks! I am sorry, it does. It feels so very uncomfortable for a control freak such as myself. As happy as some aspects of my life are with Crush, this part of the relationship....the fine line I am walking by clearly outlining my expectations without giving ultimatums....well, I wish I could say it is fun, but then I would be lying. BECAUSE IT IS TOTURE!!!!!!
I know. I am being annoying right now. I sound like a whiny bitch. I get it. Panting for a ring is just CRAZY and yet it is a thing. When you love someone so much that you want to spend every waking second with them, it would be nice to be able to know that it will be forever today. I don't think a ring will change anything in my life aside from the ability to feel a bit calmer.
Instant gratification? Why yes, and if I didn't have an issue with it, I wouldn't need to lose 30 pounds still.
I was fantasizing. I suck this way. I love me a dream sequence. Hell, I imagine myself a 19 year old music video vixen when I bust out my daily mileage on the spin bike.
I will admit, I was dreaming of driving cross country to my new home with something lovely to admire on my left hand. What a fairy-tale it could have been to have met my soul mate AND become engaged in less than 1 year? It would have been like the end of some Rom Com.....me driving my sedan pointed South, laughing with my long hair blowing, admiring my shiny new friend.
And, since Sissy got engaged to her hubby less than 8 months from the day they first met, it gave me hope....I am the WORST comparer I know.
There is nothing quite like the feeling of the hardwood floor when it smacks you right in the face after the rug has been pulled out from under you. Wakeup call. Because as June curled into July, I realized that a ring wasn't happening this summer. I am okay with this once I myself processed it.
Crush has spoken to my parents about his intentions and I truly believe that I will be a Mrs. To Be in the nearer future. I actually want to live in the same city as Crush together for a few months before an engagement because I want a little peace to just enjoy life without planning . We need some more casual just us time. Time to watch TV, ride bikes, stroll the cobblestone streets, get ice cream, and eat homemade (by me, he barely knows how to open a can) weeknight suppers. I LOVE TO COOK, so I actually dusted off my cookbooks and marked some pages of recipes I know he will like this past week in anticipation of my move.
Love isn't easy. I know....trite trite trite. By even when you find the one, it doesn't all magically get better. I still have anxiety, I still have fears, I still feel like it may not end the way I want it to. I remember once talking to Sissy about this when she was a bit overwhelmed herself with being pregnant so soon after she was married so soon after she met her love. She told me one of the best pieces of advice, "with every great life transition comes excitement, uncertainty, and a little bit of an adjustment period." So true.
I have been disappointed before. I have felt the pain and loss of a broken heart. I am fairly confidant that Crush and I are meant to be a we.
We shall see.
Showing posts with label Soulmates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Soulmates. Show all posts
Monday, July 22, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Do-Over
Remember when you were little and there were do-overs in life? If you knocked the ball out of bounds in 4 square, or messed up the steps to your dance routine, or sang the wrong words to your made up song...you could just do it over?
Well, my life is getting a do-over. I am getting to reset it in 4 months and it feels so good.
Plans have changed. Crush and I will be moving to his hometown and not the city he lives in next fall and I am super excited. This makes next year a bit easier because transitions are generally hard for me. Instead of moving to the city for a year, to only move to the country (for me country, it's a town of about 45,000) once we are married; we decided to move to the country after we get engaged and still live in separate residences (I will not technically live with him before marriage after the Awful mess) while we work on fixing up a family home there that we plan to live in (thank you Crush's family and Crush!!!!!) post marriage. I will get a job there (there are a few options I am entertaining) and then I won't have to quit something after just a year.
I can't complain. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am getting my man and a home to call my own all in the same year. Words will never be able to express my gratitude. This is better than I ever dreamed my life could be and it is just the beginning.
I have never felt at home where I live. My anxiety is sky high. Lately, I wake up and count the days until my new life begins. I have been telling my mom that I will be reborn the day I leave this city and I will never look back. She agrees. As soon as my father's mother passes (she is 95 and lives in assisted living), my folks are planning to move out to be closer to Sissy and me. My parents are New Yorkers, they have never felt right living in the Midwest either. They hate the values and most people (they do have some great friends) and it made growing up here hard because my parents generally felt like everyone was a sheep following the herd of stupidity.
Sissy told me the other day that she loves being able to just go to the grocery store, the bank, the gym, and out to dinner without worrying about her weight, her clothes, or defending her life story. Like me, she HATED high school and most people here and aside from her wedding day (which was here and mine will be, too, because it is easiest for my family and I have connections), she never had her best days living here. I can say the same.
In September, I get to be the me I dreamed. I get to live in a town that my boyfriend's ancestors were an integral part of developing. I get to work on updating a home that my boyfriend's family designed and built many years ago. I get to be a part of small southern history. I will join the synagogue that my boyfriend's great-grandfather helped commission. I will leave the past behind.
I will never have to worry about seeing Awful. I will never have to worry about seeing clients that fired me or were unkind to me. I will never have to worry about not being pretty, skinny, rich, or smart enough. I will just get to be me.
I am not running away, but I am walking briskly with my head held high. I never wanted to be here after college anyway. I just love my family too much to be far from them. I needed to be close to my folks and my beloved grandfather (who is now deceased and his widow is 95 grandmother) and Sissy (even though were weren't close at the time) after school. I knew if I didn't come home, I would miss them too much and now life is allowing us to all be different places that we like better and not too far away from one another.
Crush and I are even designing a bedroom for my folks in our new home, so they can come and visit whenever they want....If my parents want to someday live with us full-time, they are more than welcome to! It would be the least I could do to thank them for getting me back on my feet after I was so broken 18 months ago and giving me the strength and courage I needed to be my best self. They have been my best friends and confidants while I dealt with the end of my old life (Awful), the transition (ending soon), and the beginning of my dreams (life with Crush down South).
I never believed in the happiness or love I am experiencing. I didn't think I would be capable of finding what I needed.
I just didn't think it was in the cards for me.
I don't know how to express that enough.
I am not the person that brags that life is easy, that I can eat what I want, that I have infinite money.
I have dealt with verbal and physical abuse, a food addiction, crippling depression and anxiety, hiding from my problems with excessive alcohol, and being a giver giver giver without ever being a taker. I have been stomped on, mocked, and belittled for just trying to be kind, sincere, and good. I have psoriasis, I have stretch marks, and I have cellulite. I hate drinking water (I gag it down), not eating pizza is a daily battle for me, and I get insecure about my body on an hourly basis.
I am a person.
MY SHIT STINKS, TOO.
MY LIFE SUCKED for a long time. I had to move back in with my parents (people never seem to let me forget this, so I own it).
I know LOSER has been associated with my name all too often in the last few years. Awful told me specifically..."people think you are such a loser for moving back home, it embarrasses me that I ever dated someone who can't stand on her own 2 feet."
But the joke is on him and ALL of the people who laughed because I didn't go into debt to save face and now I met my soul mate.
Do-overs are even better at almost 32 than they were at 7.
Now I appreciate that a do-over is something that cannot just be given, it is something that you actually have to work hard for.
Well, my life is getting a do-over. I am getting to reset it in 4 months and it feels so good.
Plans have changed. Crush and I will be moving to his hometown and not the city he lives in next fall and I am super excited. This makes next year a bit easier because transitions are generally hard for me. Instead of moving to the city for a year, to only move to the country (for me country, it's a town of about 45,000) once we are married; we decided to move to the country after we get engaged and still live in separate residences (I will not technically live with him before marriage after the Awful mess) while we work on fixing up a family home there that we plan to live in (thank you Crush's family and Crush!!!!!) post marriage. I will get a job there (there are a few options I am entertaining) and then I won't have to quit something after just a year.
I can't complain. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am getting my man and a home to call my own all in the same year. Words will never be able to express my gratitude. This is better than I ever dreamed my life could be and it is just the beginning.
I have never felt at home where I live. My anxiety is sky high. Lately, I wake up and count the days until my new life begins. I have been telling my mom that I will be reborn the day I leave this city and I will never look back. She agrees. As soon as my father's mother passes (she is 95 and lives in assisted living), my folks are planning to move out to be closer to Sissy and me. My parents are New Yorkers, they have never felt right living in the Midwest either. They hate the values and most people (they do have some great friends) and it made growing up here hard because my parents generally felt like everyone was a sheep following the herd of stupidity.
Sissy told me the other day that she loves being able to just go to the grocery store, the bank, the gym, and out to dinner without worrying about her weight, her clothes, or defending her life story. Like me, she HATED high school and most people here and aside from her wedding day (which was here and mine will be, too, because it is easiest for my family and I have connections), she never had her best days living here. I can say the same.
In September, I get to be the me I dreamed. I get to live in a town that my boyfriend's ancestors were an integral part of developing. I get to work on updating a home that my boyfriend's family designed and built many years ago. I get to be a part of small southern history. I will join the synagogue that my boyfriend's great-grandfather helped commission. I will leave the past behind.
I will never have to worry about seeing Awful. I will never have to worry about seeing clients that fired me or were unkind to me. I will never have to worry about not being pretty, skinny, rich, or smart enough. I will just get to be me.
I am not running away, but I am walking briskly with my head held high. I never wanted to be here after college anyway. I just love my family too much to be far from them. I needed to be close to my folks and my beloved grandfather (who is now deceased and his widow is 95 grandmother) and Sissy (even though were weren't close at the time) after school. I knew if I didn't come home, I would miss them too much and now life is allowing us to all be different places that we like better and not too far away from one another.
Crush and I are even designing a bedroom for my folks in our new home, so they can come and visit whenever they want....If my parents want to someday live with us full-time, they are more than welcome to! It would be the least I could do to thank them for getting me back on my feet after I was so broken 18 months ago and giving me the strength and courage I needed to be my best self. They have been my best friends and confidants while I dealt with the end of my old life (Awful), the transition (ending soon), and the beginning of my dreams (life with Crush down South).
I never believed in the happiness or love I am experiencing. I didn't think I would be capable of finding what I needed.
I just didn't think it was in the cards for me.
I don't know how to express that enough.
I am not the person that brags that life is easy, that I can eat what I want, that I have infinite money.
I have dealt with verbal and physical abuse, a food addiction, crippling depression and anxiety, hiding from my problems with excessive alcohol, and being a giver giver giver without ever being a taker. I have been stomped on, mocked, and belittled for just trying to be kind, sincere, and good. I have psoriasis, I have stretch marks, and I have cellulite. I hate drinking water (I gag it down), not eating pizza is a daily battle for me, and I get insecure about my body on an hourly basis.
I am a person.
MY SHIT STINKS, TOO.
MY LIFE SUCKED for a long time. I had to move back in with my parents (people never seem to let me forget this, so I own it).
I know LOSER has been associated with my name all too often in the last few years. Awful told me specifically..."people think you are such a loser for moving back home, it embarrasses me that I ever dated someone who can't stand on her own 2 feet."
But the joke is on him and ALL of the people who laughed because I didn't go into debt to save face and now I met my soul mate.
Do-overs are even better at almost 32 than they were at 7.
Now I appreciate that a do-over is something that cannot just be given, it is something that you actually have to work hard for.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Crush Gush
I don't want to turn into one of those annoying girls who is obsessed with her boyfriend. Yuck. I am always so judgmental of those types of chicks, mostly because I am often the lady with no man. But, well, but, I am super duper in love with my guy these days and I am feeling like it is the kind of love that won't change. I could be wrong. I have been cheated on, I have been lied to, I have been insulted. I am not the best judge of character. Most of this is because I always wanted love SO badly. I yearned for someone to share popcorn with at the movies, someone to hold hands with when I walked around town, someone to kiss me sweetly on the forehead before I drifted off to sleep.
I have also played games, gotten drunk to express my feelings, and stayed with people who treated me like shit because I thought I couldn't do any better....so obviously, I wasn't ready for a true gentleman to treat me the way I wanted to be treated because quite frankly, I was immature and totally messed up.
The way I feel about Crush is different. He makes me feel calm, at peace, beautiful. The things other men have made me feel bad about: my body, my education, my wanting to stay in, instead of partying every night.....he loves these things about me. We are just on the very same page.
If it doesn't work out, I will not disappear. I will let you know what went wrong. We have awesome communication, but we still fight, we still have things to do and share, we don't even live in the same city yet! I don't want to rush this train to get the ring. The ring is not my final goal here. It was with Awful. I am actually chill which is a new concept for me. I just want to get to know this man better and every single day I do, YAY!
So, here comes the gush. I am not sharing to make anyone feel like I am an annoying bloggy anonymous bitchcake that now has a boyfriend. I am sharing to give hope! True love, soul mate love, it does exist! Do your personal work, make your wish list (and be SUPER specific), and be patient. I believe in karma, The Secret, and good things happening to good people and those who wait. One year ago, I was down and out, living with my parents, and cursing my existence. So much has changed. Mostly, because I did the emotional and almost impossible work of coming to terms with myself. I got over myself and it sucked. I was a deeply flawed person in denial. Who could love me if I couldn't love myself?
Yesterday, Crush sent me the most beautiful email, a modern day love letter if you will....The night before, while we were having a typical before bed chat, we talked about how the last few years and our past relationships made the concept of real love, seem almost impossible. When you want love so much, sometimes you try to make it appear in places it isn't, like how I did with Awful. Here is my favorite part of the email:
"All of the women I dated in the past provided great experiences in learning things about others and myself. I don't regret any of those experiences. All of those past experiences led me to you and prepared me for you. I am totally and completely in love with you in a way I have never been in love before. It's a more complete and relaxed love in which I don't have any doubts or hesitations. We have more in common than anyone I have ever dated or even anyone I have ever been friends with. I am surprised and impressed by you every time we talk. We are on the same wavelength, I admire and love you endlessly."
It is beyond mutual. I feel the same way about my Crush.
See, the thing about me is this.....I don't really care about stuff that much. Some people don't even know that about me. I get most of my clothes from TJ Maxx and Marshalls. I don't know too much about the "in" purses and designers. I am classically influenced (preppy!) and not trendy, so I don't care much about what In Style Magazine tells me to buy each and every season because I already have the staples in my closet. Awful tried to buy my love with gifts. Yet the only gift I wanted, his heart, he couldn't produce. I didn't want or need one gift he got me. They were all silly wastes of money.
Crush lets me in, gives me his words. He is deep, he is thoughtful, and he is pure in intent. I would live under a bridge or in a cave with him. His company is the best gift of all.
I have also played games, gotten drunk to express my feelings, and stayed with people who treated me like shit because I thought I couldn't do any better....so obviously, I wasn't ready for a true gentleman to treat me the way I wanted to be treated because quite frankly, I was immature and totally messed up.
The way I feel about Crush is different. He makes me feel calm, at peace, beautiful. The things other men have made me feel bad about: my body, my education, my wanting to stay in, instead of partying every night.....he loves these things about me. We are just on the very same page.
If it doesn't work out, I will not disappear. I will let you know what went wrong. We have awesome communication, but we still fight, we still have things to do and share, we don't even live in the same city yet! I don't want to rush this train to get the ring. The ring is not my final goal here. It was with Awful. I am actually chill which is a new concept for me. I just want to get to know this man better and every single day I do, YAY!
So, here comes the gush. I am not sharing to make anyone feel like I am an annoying bloggy anonymous bitchcake that now has a boyfriend. I am sharing to give hope! True love, soul mate love, it does exist! Do your personal work, make your wish list (and be SUPER specific), and be patient. I believe in karma, The Secret, and good things happening to good people and those who wait. One year ago, I was down and out, living with my parents, and cursing my existence. So much has changed. Mostly, because I did the emotional and almost impossible work of coming to terms with myself. I got over myself and it sucked. I was a deeply flawed person in denial. Who could love me if I couldn't love myself?
Yesterday, Crush sent me the most beautiful email, a modern day love letter if you will....The night before, while we were having a typical before bed chat, we talked about how the last few years and our past relationships made the concept of real love, seem almost impossible. When you want love so much, sometimes you try to make it appear in places it isn't, like how I did with Awful. Here is my favorite part of the email:
"All of the women I dated in the past provided great experiences in learning things about others and myself. I don't regret any of those experiences. All of those past experiences led me to you and prepared me for you. I am totally and completely in love with you in a way I have never been in love before. It's a more complete and relaxed love in which I don't have any doubts or hesitations. We have more in common than anyone I have ever dated or even anyone I have ever been friends with. I am surprised and impressed by you every time we talk. We are on the same wavelength, I admire and love you endlessly."
It is beyond mutual. I feel the same way about my Crush.
See, the thing about me is this.....I don't really care about stuff that much. Some people don't even know that about me. I get most of my clothes from TJ Maxx and Marshalls. I don't know too much about the "in" purses and designers. I am classically influenced (preppy!) and not trendy, so I don't care much about what In Style Magazine tells me to buy each and every season because I already have the staples in my closet. Awful tried to buy my love with gifts. Yet the only gift I wanted, his heart, he couldn't produce. I didn't want or need one gift he got me. They were all silly wastes of money.
Crush lets me in, gives me his words. He is deep, he is thoughtful, and he is pure in intent. I would live under a bridge or in a cave with him. His company is the best gift of all.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Fairy Tale & I'm Back (and you may think I am even crazier after this post and this post is VERY long!)
WARNING: This post is LOOOOOOOOOOONG!
I am back from meeting Crush's family.
It was.....
Better than expected and then even better than that!
There is so much to tell.
I have been waiting to share a really amazing story with you all and it is now time to let you in. It involves a little bit of magic, so I understand if you don't believe, I am not sure if I would either. Here goes, no judgement please, I never claimed to be totally sane.......
One year ago, I walked out of my life with Awful. I moved out on a whim, but it was a decision that I had been rolling around in my mind for more than a year. I went home to my parents' home. At 30. I only took my clothes. I cried a lot and I ate pints of ice cream and wailed "WHY!!!!!" and "NOOOOOOO!" between bites of cheese while laying with my parents in their bed. It was not a good look for anyone.
Then, day by day, the pain lessened. Awful was ALL wrong for me. I knew this, he knew this, but being alone isn't fun when you don't want to be. I tried to move on. I got almost to the moving on "finish line" and then I didn't. I would text Awful back, answer his emails, listen to his voicemails. I was almost over him, but he was still there, still this toxic black cloud ruining my potential.
A very very very very very special person in my life encouraged me to see a clairvoyant (STOP JUDGING!!!!), she just had a feeling and I always trust her feelings. I played around with the idea and resisted as I sometimes do when she suggests something that I know is right. I become a 2 year old all too often. Finally, I went to see the clairvoyant and she told me things that have gotten me right where I am now: my husband is looking for me, he doesn't live in my city, I will move in a few years, he will be my soulmate. My deceased grandfather came to the reading (I TOLD YOU, NOT EVERYONE BELIEVES!) and I seriously felt him there. He told the clairvoyant that I needed to make my list in what I was looking for. He would help me find my husband, he just didn't know what I was looking for. My mom, my sister, and the very special person mentioned above all told me to make a list prior to grandpa spirit also letting me in and I couldn't do it......at the end of June I finally did. I made my list. Crush is everything I wished for, EVERYTHING! He isn't perfect (HE IS A SLOB!!!!!), I didn't say neat and tidy on my list, so shame on me....but, seriously, I wouldn't trade him for anything, even if it means picking up the trail of dirty socks and boxers that seem to follow him. The list worked. I stopped talking to Awful officially in July. We haven't had any contact whatsoever and I blocked his phone number and email. I needed to lock that door, so Crush could find me. Crush and I really officially connected in August. One doors NEEDS to close fully before another one can open. Trust me here.
I finally made the list on a vacation with another very very very special person (I have a few BEST friends in my life that I am BEYOND grateful for) and on one of the last nights of the trip, bff and I went down to the beach and sent our wishes out to sea. She herself suffered a tremendous loss this year that makes mine look minor, so it was a beautiful moment that we shared. We stood on the beach in the moonlight and gave our lives to something bigger than just us. Even if nothing came out of it, having hope (even if you don't even believe in religion...I do, but I know some don't), it is hope that will pull you through the darkest days. After I sent my list to sea, I felt a sense of calm, but truly, I wasn't expecting anything!
Crush and I connected soon after this. We have had an instant connection. The list of coincidences have rounded 200. We plan to write a book together. We may be the only 2 readers, well I bet our parents will skim to make us feel like they care...! When we are together, something feels so right. We see signs all the time, we really observe the world around us, I feel so tuned in, so present. But, don't mistake it. Love will never be perfect. I have flaws and so does he. Just this time, the flaws are part of the person, not what defines them.
I saw many things on my trip to see Crush's state and met his ENTIRE family! I loved every second of it. Crush told me a lot and let me figure out tons for myself, too. We are the same religion and very similar, but his family is from a different class than mine. No big deal, it's just the way it is. He didn't tell me anything about this in detail and I am glad he didn't. Awful used his parents' money to define him, to make him cool, to coerce people to like him. Awful kept his cards close and I really felt like I was a fairy tale princess.....he showed me so much and it may take a little getting used to, but it feels like home, too. Money is just money. It doesn't bring anything positive if it isn't treated with respect. I learned this lesson hard and fast with Awful. Material possessions do not fill empty hearts. I would live with Crush in a cardboard box.
On the last night of the trip, Crush took me to his family beach house. We went there the first night, too. Every time I get stressed out or full of anxiety, I always close my eyes and imagine a beach. Up until now, I always thought the beach was from the beach I LOVE to go to that I mentioned above, where I sent my message in a bottle in June....they look alike, but, the beach in my mind has really been the one that Crush goes to. The house, the rocking chairs on the porch, the beach front....it all looked so familiar, I had such a reaction, I walked in the house and started sobbing the first night I was there. The good news is that Crush is open to all of this, too, now that he has met me, because he can't ignore all of the signs, so he wasn't scared when I act like some kind of voodoo woman and cry.
On the last night of the trip, the weather turned a bit balmy and still. It was really the perfect southern night. We went down to the beach and walked a bit as the first night of our trip at the beach, the tide was high and it was cold. We were the only ones there and it isn't really beach season and the night felt magical, like I knew that something could happen. We made love on the beach (SORRY IF IT IS TOO MUCH INFO) and it was really like something I have never experienced. I have limited experience with relationships (sadly, not with men, just with relationships) and I realize now that I have never been in love, so therefore I have never made it. After we did it, we put our feet in the water and then danced (we do this TOTALLY nerdy thing where we dance while we talk and he is the BEST dancer and very good at leading, so I follow along and all of a sudden.....I'm dancing!) and talked about love and life and hope and then we saw this bright light (I AM ALMOST DONE WITH THIS NOVEL, BUT IT TAKES A TURN FOR THE CRAZY HERE!)....
The light looked like what I imagine the light that brings you to heaven could look like. It appeared under where stars would would be and since it was a hazy night, it was the only bright light in the sky. We thought at first, it could be a plane or a space ship (well, I said space ship, he didn't agree there). The light continued to get closer and it was moving almost like a portal, like a mini Milky Way of sorts, and I screamed "Hi Grandpa!" because for some reason, that was just what came to mind and all of a sudden, the light opened up and there were angel wings and then they flew off up into the night sky and it got really still. Seconds later, 16 different (we counted) lights appeared and we kept screaming out our deceased relatives names and every time we got one right, the light would burst open and wings would appear and fly away. It was like supernatural Duck Hunt. AMAZING!
The last light that appeared was super low to the ocean, like Crush started running away and I had to grab him by the back of the pants and calm him down.....we figured out it was his grandmother who just recently passed away and then my grandpa (who the clairvoyant let me know was VERY special and VERY close to god and in heaven, so I should made my darn list and let him help me) light came back and merged together with his grandma's light and made a spot light of sorts on us that looked like a heart. I swear on all of this crazy. (Crush just texted me to tell me he didn't sleep a wink last night and he is scared that he is a crazy.....I had to assure him that I saw it ALL too, so we are both crazy and we can be crazy together).
We then said goodbye to them and waved and blew kisses and asked them to watch over us, and our families, and send us the best nieces and nephews from heaven and then they flew back to heaven. We started collecting our stuff and then grandpa light came back and started flashing really slow. We started counting the flashes and it came to 18 which is a very significant number in our religion (Crush and I are both Jewish) and then grandpa light finally disappeared. Both Crush and my family are really big on marrying within our faith and grandpa was so proud of our heritage, I know he was my matchmaker in heaven!!!
So, what happens now?! Well, I plan to move in September to my Crush's home state and we will plan to start our next chapter then. Can't wait to share it all with you!
If you made it here, you get a cookie. Well, I would give you one, if I didn't eat them all last night myself....!
I am back from meeting Crush's family.
It was.....
Better than expected and then even better than that!
There is so much to tell.
I have been waiting to share a really amazing story with you all and it is now time to let you in. It involves a little bit of magic, so I understand if you don't believe, I am not sure if I would either. Here goes, no judgement please, I never claimed to be totally sane.......
One year ago, I walked out of my life with Awful. I moved out on a whim, but it was a decision that I had been rolling around in my mind for more than a year. I went home to my parents' home. At 30. I only took my clothes. I cried a lot and I ate pints of ice cream and wailed "WHY!!!!!" and "NOOOOOOO!" between bites of cheese while laying with my parents in their bed. It was not a good look for anyone.
Then, day by day, the pain lessened. Awful was ALL wrong for me. I knew this, he knew this, but being alone isn't fun when you don't want to be. I tried to move on. I got almost to the moving on "finish line" and then I didn't. I would text Awful back, answer his emails, listen to his voicemails. I was almost over him, but he was still there, still this toxic black cloud ruining my potential.
A very very very very very special person in my life encouraged me to see a clairvoyant (STOP JUDGING!!!!), she just had a feeling and I always trust her feelings. I played around with the idea and resisted as I sometimes do when she suggests something that I know is right. I become a 2 year old all too often. Finally, I went to see the clairvoyant and she told me things that have gotten me right where I am now: my husband is looking for me, he doesn't live in my city, I will move in a few years, he will be my soulmate. My deceased grandfather came to the reading (I TOLD YOU, NOT EVERYONE BELIEVES!) and I seriously felt him there. He told the clairvoyant that I needed to make my list in what I was looking for. He would help me find my husband, he just didn't know what I was looking for. My mom, my sister, and the very special person mentioned above all told me to make a list prior to grandpa spirit also letting me in and I couldn't do it......at the end of June I finally did. I made my list. Crush is everything I wished for, EVERYTHING! He isn't perfect (HE IS A SLOB!!!!!), I didn't say neat and tidy on my list, so shame on me....but, seriously, I wouldn't trade him for anything, even if it means picking up the trail of dirty socks and boxers that seem to follow him. The list worked. I stopped talking to Awful officially in July. We haven't had any contact whatsoever and I blocked his phone number and email. I needed to lock that door, so Crush could find me. Crush and I really officially connected in August. One doors NEEDS to close fully before another one can open. Trust me here.
I finally made the list on a vacation with another very very very special person (I have a few BEST friends in my life that I am BEYOND grateful for) and on one of the last nights of the trip, bff and I went down to the beach and sent our wishes out to sea. She herself suffered a tremendous loss this year that makes mine look minor, so it was a beautiful moment that we shared. We stood on the beach in the moonlight and gave our lives to something bigger than just us. Even if nothing came out of it, having hope (even if you don't even believe in religion...I do, but I know some don't), it is hope that will pull you through the darkest days. After I sent my list to sea, I felt a sense of calm, but truly, I wasn't expecting anything!
Crush and I connected soon after this. We have had an instant connection. The list of coincidences have rounded 200. We plan to write a book together. We may be the only 2 readers, well I bet our parents will skim to make us feel like they care...! When we are together, something feels so right. We see signs all the time, we really observe the world around us, I feel so tuned in, so present. But, don't mistake it. Love will never be perfect. I have flaws and so does he. Just this time, the flaws are part of the person, not what defines them.
I saw many things on my trip to see Crush's state and met his ENTIRE family! I loved every second of it. Crush told me a lot and let me figure out tons for myself, too. We are the same religion and very similar, but his family is from a different class than mine. No big deal, it's just the way it is. He didn't tell me anything about this in detail and I am glad he didn't. Awful used his parents' money to define him, to make him cool, to coerce people to like him. Awful kept his cards close and I really felt like I was a fairy tale princess.....he showed me so much and it may take a little getting used to, but it feels like home, too. Money is just money. It doesn't bring anything positive if it isn't treated with respect. I learned this lesson hard and fast with Awful. Material possessions do not fill empty hearts. I would live with Crush in a cardboard box.
On the last night of the trip, Crush took me to his family beach house. We went there the first night, too. Every time I get stressed out or full of anxiety, I always close my eyes and imagine a beach. Up until now, I always thought the beach was from the beach I LOVE to go to that I mentioned above, where I sent my message in a bottle in June....they look alike, but, the beach in my mind has really been the one that Crush goes to. The house, the rocking chairs on the porch, the beach front....it all looked so familiar, I had such a reaction, I walked in the house and started sobbing the first night I was there. The good news is that Crush is open to all of this, too, now that he has met me, because he can't ignore all of the signs, so he wasn't scared when I act like some kind of voodoo woman and cry.
On the last night of the trip, the weather turned a bit balmy and still. It was really the perfect southern night. We went down to the beach and walked a bit as the first night of our trip at the beach, the tide was high and it was cold. We were the only ones there and it isn't really beach season and the night felt magical, like I knew that something could happen. We made love on the beach (SORRY IF IT IS TOO MUCH INFO) and it was really like something I have never experienced. I have limited experience with relationships (sadly, not with men, just with relationships) and I realize now that I have never been in love, so therefore I have never made it. After we did it, we put our feet in the water and then danced (we do this TOTALLY nerdy thing where we dance while we talk and he is the BEST dancer and very good at leading, so I follow along and all of a sudden.....I'm dancing!) and talked about love and life and hope and then we saw this bright light (I AM ALMOST DONE WITH THIS NOVEL, BUT IT TAKES A TURN FOR THE CRAZY HERE!)....
The light looked like what I imagine the light that brings you to heaven could look like. It appeared under where stars would would be and since it was a hazy night, it was the only bright light in the sky. We thought at first, it could be a plane or a space ship (well, I said space ship, he didn't agree there). The light continued to get closer and it was moving almost like a portal, like a mini Milky Way of sorts, and I screamed "Hi Grandpa!" because for some reason, that was just what came to mind and all of a sudden, the light opened up and there were angel wings and then they flew off up into the night sky and it got really still. Seconds later, 16 different (we counted) lights appeared and we kept screaming out our deceased relatives names and every time we got one right, the light would burst open and wings would appear and fly away. It was like supernatural Duck Hunt. AMAZING!
The last light that appeared was super low to the ocean, like Crush started running away and I had to grab him by the back of the pants and calm him down.....we figured out it was his grandmother who just recently passed away and then my grandpa (who the clairvoyant let me know was VERY special and VERY close to god and in heaven, so I should made my darn list and let him help me) light came back and merged together with his grandma's light and made a spot light of sorts on us that looked like a heart. I swear on all of this crazy. (Crush just texted me to tell me he didn't sleep a wink last night and he is scared that he is a crazy.....I had to assure him that I saw it ALL too, so we are both crazy and we can be crazy together).
We then said goodbye to them and waved and blew kisses and asked them to watch over us, and our families, and send us the best nieces and nephews from heaven and then they flew back to heaven. We started collecting our stuff and then grandpa light came back and started flashing really slow. We started counting the flashes and it came to 18 which is a very significant number in our religion (Crush and I are both Jewish) and then grandpa light finally disappeared. Both Crush and my family are really big on marrying within our faith and grandpa was so proud of our heritage, I know he was my matchmaker in heaven!!!
So, what happens now?! Well, I plan to move in September to my Crush's home state and we will plan to start our next chapter then. Can't wait to share it all with you!
If you made it here, you get a cookie. Well, I would give you one, if I didn't eat them all last night myself....!
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