I cannot believe I am getting so close to moving down South. All of a sudden this weekend, I really thought about it and I started freaking out. I had a mini anxiety attack prompted by 2 things, 1 involving a scooter:
1. Crush asked me what we would be doing for Thanksgiving and I thought THANKSGIVING!!!! I have so much to do before then and then I panicked....I seriously got into bed with some popcorn and Netflix and hid under the covers for a few hours. The thing is that I have NO idea what I will be doing for T-Day. I may have to work considering my new job could call for it (I worked Tday early on in my career when I worked at a hotel). Then, I realized that I won't be hanging out with my parents all of the time which is a beautiful thing, actually. I am just so used to them these days that I started to miss them already. Codependency at its finest and not normal. Never claimed I was. I have turned into a 32 year woman-child. It shocks me considering I was begging to go to overnight camp for 8 weeks when I was 9. I love my folks, but I did once stand on my own 2 feet....time to get out of the nest.
2. I saw Awful (I KNOW, I KNOW....I MUST leave this city ASAP as WHY OH WHY DO I KEEP SEEING MY EX?!?!?) riding a new scooter with a sidecar while I was taking a client to an appointment. The very scooter and sidecar that I once joked that I thought was awesome and silly and that I could ride in because I didn't love riding on a scooter (more to come on that here in the following sentences). Bonus, his fiance was riding my old scooter. A scooter that Awful bought me for Hanukkah our second holiday season together. A scooter I was never fully invested in myself because it scared me and because my parents didn't approve.
I know, I know, I defer to my parents sometimes, but hear me out. My mom got into a motorcycle accident on her honeymoon and broke both of her legs, shattered her knees, and broke her right hip. It left her disabled (she has had arthritis since she was a little girl, so it made her bad legs worse) and all of my life, my parents asked that I never ride a motored 2 wheeled vehicle and I obeyed them until I met Awful...a man OBSESSED with things that go fast and have less than 4 wheels.
I always felt that Awful wanted to sway me against my parents and take "his side" when it came to the motorcycle and scooter riding. I know it sounds silly, but he was very jealous like that. He wanted to control me and knew that I also wanted to make my parents happy, so it was a really messed up triangle. He didn't like when I saw my folks, spoke to them, or took their feelings into account. It was all sorts of CRAZY considering that he couldn't have been further up either of his parents asses and saw them almost weekly (and they lived over 3 hours away and spent the night at his place at least 1 weekend a month). He spoke to his mother multiple times a day, so it wasn't like he was this strong independent man free of parental control. It was just that he thought he was always right and his way was "the way."
When I sensed he may be buying me a scooter, I remember telling him "as much as it seems fun and I like how they look (they are so cute!), I really can't do that to my parents." 2 weeks later, there was a shiny (and adorable!!!) red scooter waiting for me when I returned home from work one freezing December evening. I remember thinking "FUCK!!!!! I love this, but I can't ride it...." I felt super conflicted. The scooter is the perfect metaphor of our relationship....this love/hate - push/pull.
I am annoyed that he found someone to scoot with. I know finding a scooter partner must have been important to him. When I first started dating Awful, he was very caught up in all of the things his ex-wife wouldn't or couldn't do. I am sure he tells his fiancé about all about my shortcomings (from his perspective and only according to him), too. "You wouldn't believe Ready and Fading! She wouldn't even ride the $5,000 scooter I bought her because her mom once fell off of one. What a baby, she is so weak." (SIDENOTE: Awful loved to add value on to things to exaggerate, the scooter was about 3 grand and as I shared earlier, my mom's accident wasn't minor.)
I am just sad (and in many ways, amused.....) that she has to ride my Hanukkah present from 2010. I am sure that she has no idea that it was mine first, he isn't a truth teller.......but, there was a slight twinge of satisfaction as I saw her wobbling by on it. The truth is that as gorgeous as the scooter was, it was a bitch to ride and very heavy for a girl to master. Not surprising since he bought it for himself, really. He loved riding it and when I dumped him the first thing he screamed was, "YOU CANNOT HAVE THE SCOOTER, IT IS MINE!!!!"
SO WHY DOES THIS PISS ME OFF? Well, because on a beautiful Sunday I am working and he is having fun scooting. I guess I realize that I don't want him to be happy, really. I know, big confession there. I want him to be fat, miserable, weak, and alone. I want bad for him as much as I want good for me.
I just want to be able to enjoy my life without having to see him. Seeing him brings back so much pain for me. There is no love there, but there is still a burning hate. I want to be over it all. I want the past to be all in the past as I know it is, BUT I hate seeing him ALL OF THE TIME!
I can't wait to leave this place! A city where THE WORST EX-BOYFRIENDS EVER are out on the town, riding Stellas and killing my mood.
A few more short weeks and I will never be haunted by the real life ghost of Awful.
That in itself is worth passing up on all of the adorable scooters in the world.
Showing posts with label Why?. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Why?. Show all posts
Monday, August 26, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Motorcycles, Migraines, and Mania
Motorcycles:
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Third time is a charm, indeed! I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles. He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him. He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him. Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.
He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts, and his boat shoes. Basically, his summer uniform. I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.
So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared. Yes. I open mouth stared. I have no idea what came over me. We locked eyes. And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!
I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him. He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes. But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!
When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings. Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common. We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps. I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him? Yes. But, do I feel a new sense of closure. Yes.
Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.
Migraines:
I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night. Right behind my eyes. I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up. It is stress related. I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.
Mania:
Lately, Crush and I have been fighting. Major blowouts. I shouldn't engage with him, but I do. He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."
AND RECORD SCRATCH.
Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?
You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage. Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!
Oy, oy, oy.
I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions. He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him. Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:
"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live. You snooze, you lose. I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live. I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February. I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."
I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME. And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...
Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Two Signs....PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME A THIRD!!!!
I have always believed that signs come in 3's.
I have received 2 signs thus far and I am not looking forward to the third.
But, I am preparing myself mentality for the possibility......
This weekend, I attended a charity event with my mom for a wonderful organization that a dear vendor friend of mine sits on the board for. As we were collecting our place cards, I saw Awful's name on an uncollected place card and my heart starting beating a mile a minute...."Mooooommmmm......look, SHIT!!!! What if we see him?????? OH NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mom, do you think it is him?????"
She reassured me that Awful has a super common name and not to get all worried. If we saw him, we would be kind ladies. We would avoid mentioning anything personal like Crush or my move because we don't want bad energy and we would stay super positive and warm.
In all fairness, Awful is charitable and gets involved in many causes, so the chance of seeing him there was not at all impossible.
Phew, we NEVER saw him. Must have been a different one, he was too hungover to make it (great possibility), or we didn't spot him as there were 500 people in attendance and his height (he isn't vertically gifted) makes him harder to spot than most.
THEN, yesterday, I was catching up on the Sunday NY Times and there was his name AGAIN! This time as a part of a pair in the weddings section. As my eyes traveled to the photo, I prayed that it was indeed him and he was married, so the past could really truly be in the past. The chances of him being married aren't totally off. He proposed to his first wife 7 months after meeting her and they were married soon there after and then divorced less than a year after that. He is impulsive with everything is his life, BUT ME (THANK GOODNESS!!!!).
We also do have mutual friends in common who I believe he still sees, so if he ever did ask about me, there is a possibility that they could have told him I was dating someone seriously and moving. The reality is that Awful is one of the most competitive people I know. He needs to win. He needs to be richer, smarter, and funnier than anyone else, since he can't be taller, handsomer, or nicer.....Remember, this is a man who slept with someone 6 days after we officially broke up and perhaps cheated on me more than once (verdict still out on this, BUT I know, regardless of what happened, he spent time inappropriately with women while I was not present during our relationship)....quality person he isn't.
But....it wasn't him. It was just another man with Awful's name.
Still......what are the chances????
You see, it was almost 1 year ago when I saw the clairvoyant who predicted Crush and the promise of a better life. She wrote out Awful's exact name letter for letter and told me to stay away forever, to never look back. I haven't spoken to Crush for a year next month, I haven't emailed with him for almost 10 months, and I haven't seen him for 15 months and counting.
Since I am out of here FOREVER (WHOOT!) in 4 months and counting, I do believe that a chance meeting with Awful could be on the horizon....AWFUL possible news....bleck!
The universe is trying to tell me something....I can FEEL it. Let's just hope that this is just a couple of coincidences.....I already hide out as best as I can, so I don't have to see him.....but, I cannot control everything!!!
I have received 2 signs thus far and I am not looking forward to the third.
But, I am preparing myself mentality for the possibility......
This weekend, I attended a charity event with my mom for a wonderful organization that a dear vendor friend of mine sits on the board for. As we were collecting our place cards, I saw Awful's name on an uncollected place card and my heart starting beating a mile a minute...."Mooooommmmm......look, SHIT!!!! What if we see him?????? OH NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Mom, do you think it is him?????"
She reassured me that Awful has a super common name and not to get all worried. If we saw him, we would be kind ladies. We would avoid mentioning anything personal like Crush or my move because we don't want bad energy and we would stay super positive and warm.
In all fairness, Awful is charitable and gets involved in many causes, so the chance of seeing him there was not at all impossible.
Phew, we NEVER saw him. Must have been a different one, he was too hungover to make it (great possibility), or we didn't spot him as there were 500 people in attendance and his height (he isn't vertically gifted) makes him harder to spot than most.
THEN, yesterday, I was catching up on the Sunday NY Times and there was his name AGAIN! This time as a part of a pair in the weddings section. As my eyes traveled to the photo, I prayed that it was indeed him and he was married, so the past could really truly be in the past. The chances of him being married aren't totally off. He proposed to his first wife 7 months after meeting her and they were married soon there after and then divorced less than a year after that. He is impulsive with everything is his life, BUT ME (THANK GOODNESS!!!!).
We also do have mutual friends in common who I believe he still sees, so if he ever did ask about me, there is a possibility that they could have told him I was dating someone seriously and moving. The reality is that Awful is one of the most competitive people I know. He needs to win. He needs to be richer, smarter, and funnier than anyone else, since he can't be taller, handsomer, or nicer.....Remember, this is a man who slept with someone 6 days after we officially broke up and perhaps cheated on me more than once (verdict still out on this, BUT I know, regardless of what happened, he spent time inappropriately with women while I was not present during our relationship)....quality person he isn't.
But....it wasn't him. It was just another man with Awful's name.
Still......what are the chances????
You see, it was almost 1 year ago when I saw the clairvoyant who predicted Crush and the promise of a better life. She wrote out Awful's exact name letter for letter and told me to stay away forever, to never look back. I haven't spoken to Crush for a year next month, I haven't emailed with him for almost 10 months, and I haven't seen him for 15 months and counting.
Since I am out of here FOREVER (WHOOT!) in 4 months and counting, I do believe that a chance meeting with Awful could be on the horizon....AWFUL possible news....bleck!
The universe is trying to tell me something....I can FEEL it. Let's just hope that this is just a couple of coincidences.....I already hide out as best as I can, so I don't have to see him.....but, I cannot control everything!!!
Friday, March 1, 2013
The Things I Wish I Didn't Do
I have never come here to tell you how wonderful I am......how perfect. I don't have a beautiful home, millions of dollars, fancy purses or shoes, or six-pack abs. But, I am happy. Errrr....not completely happy because I don't know if I ever will be, but I am happier than I have been in years.
My daily struggles have not changed. I still have a major food addiction. I still have an all or nothing mentality. I still wear my bathrobe until 10:00 am while I watch the Bachelor on Hulu and eat chips and salsa for breakfast. I wish I didn't do this, but some habits are hard to break.
Here are a few things I do that I wish I didn't:
1. I wish I didn't stalk Crush's ex-fiance on Pinterest. This is the one way to see a bit more into her life and I actually see a lot of myself in her....she struggles with her weight, too. Such an invasion of privacy, why can't I stop?
2. I wish I didn't ask my current boyfriends about their ex's. I have always done this. I would ask Awful about how thin his ex-wife was (she was skinny), I would ask what kind of wine she liked, I would ask what she would order at a certain restaurant for her dinner. WHHHHHY? With Crush, I really ask him weird questions about his ex....ones that involve sex, money, and her engagement ring. He answers them without a bat of an eye, always respectfully. Here is the thing, I don't ask these questions out of insecurity....it is just that people and the human condition super duper fascinate me. I like to know about people's past to determine how they got to their present.
3. I wish I just said no to things that I don't want to do or think are stupid. This pertains mostly to business things these days, but I say yes to the dumbest stuff and then I stay up for 48 hours straight doing moronic DIY projects and not getting paid for it.
4. I wish I didn't buy foods that I know I cannot control myself around. Some of these things are chips and ice cream. After I ate 4 ice cream bars and 1 bag of corn chips last night while half asleep.....I thought to myself....why are these things in the house?! I realized that I ate them because they were there, because I am addicted to food and sugar and fat are my crack. I cannot have these things around me. I don't go on broccoli or clementine binges even though I like these things, too.
5. I wish I didn't hide from hard emails or phone calls sometimes. Again, this is business stuff, but I find myself confronted virtually and then I hide for a while begging it to go away and then I take a Xanax and deal with it. I wish I didn't have to take the Xanax to deal with it, but I do....
Do you ever do things that you wish you didn't do?
My daily struggles have not changed. I still have a major food addiction. I still have an all or nothing mentality. I still wear my bathrobe until 10:00 am while I watch the Bachelor on Hulu and eat chips and salsa for breakfast. I wish I didn't do this, but some habits are hard to break.
Here are a few things I do that I wish I didn't:
1. I wish I didn't stalk Crush's ex-fiance on Pinterest. This is the one way to see a bit more into her life and I actually see a lot of myself in her....she struggles with her weight, too. Such an invasion of privacy, why can't I stop?
2. I wish I didn't ask my current boyfriends about their ex's. I have always done this. I would ask Awful about how thin his ex-wife was (she was skinny), I would ask what kind of wine she liked, I would ask what she would order at a certain restaurant for her dinner. WHHHHHY? With Crush, I really ask him weird questions about his ex....ones that involve sex, money, and her engagement ring. He answers them without a bat of an eye, always respectfully. Here is the thing, I don't ask these questions out of insecurity....it is just that people and the human condition super duper fascinate me. I like to know about people's past to determine how they got to their present.
3. I wish I just said no to things that I don't want to do or think are stupid. This pertains mostly to business things these days, but I say yes to the dumbest stuff and then I stay up for 48 hours straight doing moronic DIY projects and not getting paid for it.
4. I wish I didn't buy foods that I know I cannot control myself around. Some of these things are chips and ice cream. After I ate 4 ice cream bars and 1 bag of corn chips last night while half asleep.....I thought to myself....why are these things in the house?! I realized that I ate them because they were there, because I am addicted to food and sugar and fat are my crack. I cannot have these things around me. I don't go on broccoli or clementine binges even though I like these things, too.
5. I wish I didn't hide from hard emails or phone calls sometimes. Again, this is business stuff, but I find myself confronted virtually and then I hide for a while begging it to go away and then I take a Xanax and deal with it. I wish I didn't have to take the Xanax to deal with it, but I do....
Do you ever do things that you wish you didn't do?
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 2
There was a suitcase, takeout boxes, liquor, beer cans, wine glasses, and clothes strew upon the floor. The photos of Socio and me that were on his shelves and fridge had been replaced by photos of him and ANOTHER woman, a young looking one, no more than 20 years old. There were photos of them taken at the same places we had been, including Mexico.....it was like walking into your own episode of Dateline Special Victims Unit.
I rounded the corner to the bedroom and sure enough Socio and his other girlfriend were laying naked under the covers. My heart was pounding. I shook Socio awake and if I could bottle his face, I would have...."OH SHIT."
Now, I am not at all proud to share what happened next..., but there is no holding back here....
The rage in me was so strong, so intense, so unpredicted, I snapped. All of my hate, my anguish, my fears, they all came spilling out. I ripped the covers off the 2 of them and started a tornado of destruction. I broke photos, I broke glasses, I broke framed posters. I ripped clothes out of the closet, I threw plates on the ground like bouncy balls.
I ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside with her purse. I rummaged threw it. She went to college in the Midwest, a good school actually, and she was only 18, OMG! (I later learned they started sleeping together when she was 16, him 35, they met at work, she was a summer intern)......I started to gag and thought I was going to vomit. I splashed cold water on my face and sobbed. I looked in the mirror and remember thinking "You did this to yourself you fool. You knew this was a disaster. You stayed." I then shoved her purse into the toilet, it was all I could think to do because he was pounding at the door and about to break it down, I didn't want to get caught with it.
I shut the toilet lid and opened up the door suddenly. I grabbed his balls so hard that he fell to the ground in a heap. She stood there behind him speechless.....not doing or saying anything, wearing only his t-shirt, her hairless crotch hanging out of the bottom of the hem, which only made her look younger and more helpless... her mouth was gaped open, jaw unhinged....we were both connecting the dots.
As I waited for the elevator. He came charging out of his apartment. I instinctively protected my neck, I remember thinking, protect your neck, he could snap it. He lunged at me and pulled my hair and threw an entire heavy garbage bag of my belongings at my head. I reason he packed my stuff that were at his apartment whenever she came into town. He screamed "WE ARE DONE!"
Obviously.
I walked out of his building with streams of thick tears running down my face. My head was killing me from where he pulled my hair. I was clutching my garbage bag full of possessions and did the only thing I knew to do....
I called his mother and told her the entire story.
She cried. I cried. She told me about the lies , ALL of the lies. She told me, "I wanted to tell you, but I wanted you to save him, I am so sorry I did this to you." I knew this was the best revenge I could get on him, making sure his family knew the truth. No one else mattered, they were the only ones that really knew how messed up he really was and he was using me to look better to them, so they were the jury on this one.
A few months ago, right before I met Crush, I was getting my nails done and a women kept staring at me. I was looking at her, too, she seemed familiar, I tried to place her. While we were drying, she asked me, "I think you dated my brother "The Sociopath" like forever ago?"
I nodded. She then continued to tell me that he was doing super great, got married, had just had a new baby. I then instantly recalled, she was the sister I always liked the least, the one that was very caught up in the machine of appearances, the only sibling younger than him, she was about 6 years older than me and away in grad school when I had dated the Sociopath, I had only met her once before.
I felt the tears welling up inside of me and I couldn't contain them. I couldn't hold them back. I started to cry. She thought I was crying because I still loved him and she said, "don't worry, you will find someone too, you are very pretty."
And then told her....."I am not crying because I miss him, I crying because I feel so bad for the woman who married him and for his son. Your brother is a monster and a sociopath. You know it, I would be embarrassed if that was my brother, too."
I then got up, grabbed my purse, and smudged 8 out of my 10 nails.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 1
Oh yes....this happened. The Sociopath was a real sociopath, like diagnosed. He had no grasp on reality.
You don't think I found my current dream gent by always dating winners, did you?! Well I didn't. Crush is the first healthy and balanced relationship I have EVER had. He is the first man I am publicly proud to date. I want to introduce Crush to my friends and family. I want to show off his photos.
In my 20's The Sociopath was the WORST of the bunch I dated, but he wasn't so different from the other men who came after him until I met my Crush. They were all slight reincarnations of each other: men who I thought were below me, who I tried to boss around and control initially, who eventually brainwashed me, broke down my self-esteem, and controlled my every move.
The player always got played.
Let's rewind and start at the beginning....
When I was 24, I had never had a real boyfriend. Was a virgin? No. Had I had a few short lived fauxmances? Yes. I had "loved" many who hadn't returned the favor and vice-versa.
I met The Sociopath through a frenemy from childhood. Frenemy and I were always "friendly", but never really true friends. She is the type of person who is extremely competitive, always out for herself, and likes to see other people fail. I don't know why I trusted her opinion with men...I remember asking her if Socio was alright and she told me he was.....another prime example of not trusting my instincts.
The Sociopath was 13 years older than me. He LOVED to drink and do drugs. I was so personally immature at the time that I saw no issue in the fact that a 37 old man went to bars and stayed out until 2:00 am nightly, 5-7 days a week. I didn't find him particularly attractive either. I also thought I was much smarter and more successful than him.... At the time, I guess I liked that he wasn't shorter than me, never called me fat, and bought me drinks and shots. I had VERY low standards.
He told me lie after lie. I knew he was lying to me on the inside, but I believed him, too. I just didn't want to process the truth, I wanted to party....I wanted to float through my reality, too, to numb my self-esteem issues and silence my self-doubt. A few examples of his lies for good measure:
He told me that he played baseball on a scholarship in college....post-breakup I found out that he only attended one semester of college and flunked out and NEVER played baseball.
He told me he was rich....post-breakup I found out he was several hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including massive gambling debts.
He told me he was madly in love with me.....one of the reasons why we broke up was because I found out he was dating an 18 year old, the ENTIRE time we were together.
The Sociopath lived in an alternate reality. I think a lot of this was because he was adopted by a lovely family and had 4 sisters who were all biological and not adopted. He fell right in the middle of the bunch, he was the only male, the only adopted child as I mentioned, and he felt like the odd man out always. When he was super wasted, he would discuss this and often cry and throw things. He had a wicked temper.
He drank and drugged almost every single day. He worked 8am-2pm for a family friend off the books and then drank for 12 hours. I would meet him out around 6:00 pm after my work day and he would already be wasted. Then we would stay out, black out, order late night pizza, and wake up in our clothes...we would often be late for work. He was a terrible influence for me.
Some facts I ignored were this: he didn't have a credit card, he was a slob, he had drugs in his freezer, his phone would sometimes be turned off without warning, he would disappear for 24-48 hours at a time, he never wanted to hang out with my family or friends, he had all of these "friends" that he would buy drinks for and pretend to be rich for and never knew their last names, he was best friends with a man who was recently divorced with several children and a complete cocaine addict, he had a family friend around his age check in on him daily (like make sure he was alive and had food), and everyone seemed really worried about him...
At the same time they were ALL super happy that we were dating......
I liked feeling wanted and purposeful and that I had the ability to save someone so lost.
I felt like I NEEDED to be with him ALL of the time because if I wasn't, something would happen. He would disappear, cheat on me, or die. He was like sand, always about to slip through my fingertips.
One night about 6 months into our relationship, we planned to meet at his place at 2:00 am, after we both went out with our own friends. I had a key to his apartment and was to let myself in as always. I texted him at 1:15 am and he said he was on his way home and I should meet him there at 2:00 am. At 2:15 am, I let myself in and found a half naked woman passed out on his couch. She wasn't wearing a top or bra. To this day, I have no idea who she was or what really happened before I arrived. I freaked out and we got into a physical fight. I punched and hit him and ran out of the apartment. He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair. I fled to the elevator and out of the building. As I tried to hail a cab, he chased me downstairs and begged me to come back up. He was crying, sobbing for forgiveness.
I relented. I was afraid.
The passed out girl was still there when we came back up. I woke her, got her clothes from the bedroom and offered her water and cab fare. She had no idea who we were or where she was. I stayed with The Sociopath and had sex with him that night....it just made me ill to write that sentence. This is not behavior of a healthy person, but he wanted it and he never did. I was so confused. I was battling so many demons then....
In the morning, we woke up and ordered pizza and acted like nothing happened. Back to basics.
After the half naked girl incident, I began to pull back. I knew it was a bad situation, but I was scared of him. I was scared he could hurt me. I was afraid that he could kill me. He used me to look good to his parents....so he could continue to ask them for help and money...I was his validation...a sweet attractive Jewish girl from one town over (his parents were Jewish and very kind), if we were together, he couldn't be that much of a monster, could he. I know this now at 31..they were pushing marriage upon our second meeting. I was valuable to him, he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to let me go either.
9 months into our relationship, we were fighting all the time. I knew it was only a matter of time until I could get out of this relationship, so I looked for a way. I was too scared to confide in anyone about how bad and dysfunctional this really was. At the time, I felt embarrassed and like a failure because I wasted almost a year on this mess and I had no self esteem, I thought this was the best I could do, I really did.
One Friday, he didn't text or call me back all day. I waited and waited. I got worried, I thought he might have drunk himself to death and I remember being scared that I could be blamed for it. Upon the 24th hour of not hearing from him, I knew it was my chance to catch him some way or another. He was either up to no good or dead. My grandfather had fallen ill and my hair iron was at Socio's place, so before I headed up to see my family, I stopped there for it. It was a good excuse. It made sense for me to come over for it.
It was now early Saturday morning and I was worried about Socio because I "cared."
Since I had the key, I was able to enter the building and his apartment without issue. Upon turning the lock, I knew something wasn't right....
TO BE CONTINUED.......
You don't think I found my current dream gent by always dating winners, did you?! Well I didn't. Crush is the first healthy and balanced relationship I have EVER had. He is the first man I am publicly proud to date. I want to introduce Crush to my friends and family. I want to show off his photos.
In my 20's The Sociopath was the WORST of the bunch I dated, but he wasn't so different from the other men who came after him until I met my Crush. They were all slight reincarnations of each other: men who I thought were below me, who I tried to boss around and control initially, who eventually brainwashed me, broke down my self-esteem, and controlled my every move.
The player always got played.
Let's rewind and start at the beginning....
When I was 24, I had never had a real boyfriend. Was a virgin? No. Had I had a few short lived fauxmances? Yes. I had "loved" many who hadn't returned the favor and vice-versa.
I met The Sociopath through a frenemy from childhood. Frenemy and I were always "friendly", but never really true friends. She is the type of person who is extremely competitive, always out for herself, and likes to see other people fail. I don't know why I trusted her opinion with men...I remember asking her if Socio was alright and she told me he was.....another prime example of not trusting my instincts.
The Sociopath was 13 years older than me. He LOVED to drink and do drugs. I was so personally immature at the time that I saw no issue in the fact that a 37 old man went to bars and stayed out until 2:00 am nightly, 5-7 days a week. I didn't find him particularly attractive either. I also thought I was much smarter and more successful than him.... At the time, I guess I liked that he wasn't shorter than me, never called me fat, and bought me drinks and shots. I had VERY low standards.
He told me lie after lie. I knew he was lying to me on the inside, but I believed him, too. I just didn't want to process the truth, I wanted to party....I wanted to float through my reality, too, to numb my self-esteem issues and silence my self-doubt. A few examples of his lies for good measure:
He told me that he played baseball on a scholarship in college....post-breakup I found out that he only attended one semester of college and flunked out and NEVER played baseball.
He told me he was rich....post-breakup I found out he was several hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including massive gambling debts.
He told me he was madly in love with me.....one of the reasons why we broke up was because I found out he was dating an 18 year old, the ENTIRE time we were together.
The Sociopath lived in an alternate reality. I think a lot of this was because he was adopted by a lovely family and had 4 sisters who were all biological and not adopted. He fell right in the middle of the bunch, he was the only male, the only adopted child as I mentioned, and he felt like the odd man out always. When he was super wasted, he would discuss this and often cry and throw things. He had a wicked temper.
He drank and drugged almost every single day. He worked 8am-2pm for a family friend off the books and then drank for 12 hours. I would meet him out around 6:00 pm after my work day and he would already be wasted. Then we would stay out, black out, order late night pizza, and wake up in our clothes...we would often be late for work. He was a terrible influence for me.
Some facts I ignored were this: he didn't have a credit card, he was a slob, he had drugs in his freezer, his phone would sometimes be turned off without warning, he would disappear for 24-48 hours at a time, he never wanted to hang out with my family or friends, he had all of these "friends" that he would buy drinks for and pretend to be rich for and never knew their last names, he was best friends with a man who was recently divorced with several children and a complete cocaine addict, he had a family friend around his age check in on him daily (like make sure he was alive and had food), and everyone seemed really worried about him...
At the same time they were ALL super happy that we were dating......
I liked feeling wanted and purposeful and that I had the ability to save someone so lost.
I felt like I NEEDED to be with him ALL of the time because if I wasn't, something would happen. He would disappear, cheat on me, or die. He was like sand, always about to slip through my fingertips.
One night about 6 months into our relationship, we planned to meet at his place at 2:00 am, after we both went out with our own friends. I had a key to his apartment and was to let myself in as always. I texted him at 1:15 am and he said he was on his way home and I should meet him there at 2:00 am. At 2:15 am, I let myself in and found a half naked woman passed out on his couch. She wasn't wearing a top or bra. To this day, I have no idea who she was or what really happened before I arrived. I freaked out and we got into a physical fight. I punched and hit him and ran out of the apartment. He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair. I fled to the elevator and out of the building. As I tried to hail a cab, he chased me downstairs and begged me to come back up. He was crying, sobbing for forgiveness.
I relented. I was afraid.
The passed out girl was still there when we came back up. I woke her, got her clothes from the bedroom and offered her water and cab fare. She had no idea who we were or where she was. I stayed with The Sociopath and had sex with him that night....it just made me ill to write that sentence. This is not behavior of a healthy person, but he wanted it and he never did. I was so confused. I was battling so many demons then....
In the morning, we woke up and ordered pizza and acted like nothing happened. Back to basics.
After the half naked girl incident, I began to pull back. I knew it was a bad situation, but I was scared of him. I was scared he could hurt me. I was afraid that he could kill me. He used me to look good to his parents....so he could continue to ask them for help and money...I was his validation...a sweet attractive Jewish girl from one town over (his parents were Jewish and very kind), if we were together, he couldn't be that much of a monster, could he. I know this now at 31..they were pushing marriage upon our second meeting. I was valuable to him, he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to let me go either.
9 months into our relationship, we were fighting all the time. I knew it was only a matter of time until I could get out of this relationship, so I looked for a way. I was too scared to confide in anyone about how bad and dysfunctional this really was. At the time, I felt embarrassed and like a failure because I wasted almost a year on this mess and I had no self esteem, I thought this was the best I could do, I really did.
One Friday, he didn't text or call me back all day. I waited and waited. I got worried, I thought he might have drunk himself to death and I remember being scared that I could be blamed for it. Upon the 24th hour of not hearing from him, I knew it was my chance to catch him some way or another. He was either up to no good or dead. My grandfather had fallen ill and my hair iron was at Socio's place, so before I headed up to see my family, I stopped there for it. It was a good excuse. It made sense for me to come over for it.
It was now early Saturday morning and I was worried about Socio because I "cared."
Since I had the key, I was able to enter the building and his apartment without issue. Upon turning the lock, I knew something wasn't right....
TO BE CONTINUED.......
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