The Charleston of My Dreams

Charleston is a great place to visit.  A grand one.  Every single time I came for a stay, I was smitten.  It has all of the components necessary for a terrific getaway: amazing restaurants, quaint hotels, a charming downtown, lovely stretches of beachfront, tons of history, plantations (my newest obsession other than my Fitbit) museums and even a pretty lively nightlife.  I have many visitors coming down in the next few months (YAY!) and I can't wait to whoop it up like Vicki (I was waiting for the Real Housewives of OC to come back all winter) with them.  

Charleston is the perfect getaway. Beyond a few jam-packed weekends, site seeing and eating, lies real life.  The days that happen between bursts of fun and fancy.  This is the Charleston I am getting to know. 

Charleston is HOT right now.  Everyone is moving here in droves.  Students and grad students that come for school and never leave, young professionals looking for a faster or slower pace (depending on what direction they may be moving from) and retirees.  Tons of retirees.  My fiancé says that Charleston has been a transient city for some time now.  There are always people coming and going. I have encountered an equal amount of people not from around here as southerners.   I am from Chicago and I was born in New York, so I am used to living around many different types of people.  I associate this melting pot idea with the concept of a city and Charleston is rapidly expanding. There is change occurring at every corner (literally, there is a TON of construction) and I can feel Charleston bursting at the seams.  Traffic is heavy; you can’t even find a parking spot at Publix.  Maybe, this is just America. We can’t fight the mass developers from turning even the most historical places, like Charleston, into Anywhere, USA.  Where there is money, there is this inevitable cookie-cutter assimilation.  I have started to see it when I visit other cities.  Everywhere is starting to look vaguely familiar. 

I hear accents from New York, New Jersey, Ohio and Michigan more often than I hear the soft drawl of Charleston.    I don't mind this, especially since I am an outsider myself.  The people not from around here are the ones that seem to want to help me find a job and actually respond to email (more on this in another post).  Charleston just isn't what I expected.   Tourists came to visit and were charmed into relocation.  It all makes sense.  But, where are my belles and gents? 

You see, I dreamt of Charleston as some kind of magical fairyland.  I imagined that all the ladies would look and speak like debutantes and they would smell of honeysuckle and jasmine.  Men would pull my chair out and compliment my hairstyle and tell me I was "real sweet" just like Crush does.  I only wanted to see Lilly Pulitzer and seersucker.  I thought I would be invited to the finest parties and drink mint juleps and sweet tea and wear ball gowns and gloves.  People would be envious of my figure and poise.  Everyone would admire my ability to make lovely conversation and my big city ways.  I would be referred as "very cosmopolitan!"  I thought that I would learn how to shag and that someone would show me how to set a table properly, using only the finest china and silver.  Down South, I wanted to believe that I could eat all the fried chicken and biscuits I desired and then I would slip on my bathing suit and head to the beach looking as pretty as a picture.  This is my fantasy, dammit.  There are no societal boundaries or calories. 

I set myself up for something that doesn't even exist.   I do this a lot.  I get stuck on how something should be without processing how it really is.  Then, I get disappointed that life isn’t what I imagined.  Exhausting.  And even worse….sometimes my over sweeping generalizations come from TV, movies or books.   WTF?   Nothing is how I wanted it to be.  WHAH WHAH.  The weather, the people, the service, the job market, the common courtesy, the social life, the parties, the food….it was ALL supposed to be different!

 I made my move into what I needed it to be.  It gave me hope and positivity and motivation.  It made me excited.  It got me through a very tough time in my life.  My idea of Charleston may not be where I am living now and that is okay.  My Charleston is a place of fantasy, magic and whimsy.  It is a figment of my imagination that I depended on to give me the strength and courage to leave everything I was once familiar with.  I will always be grateful that I loved the idea of Charleston before I even moved here because it shows me how much I trusted and believed in my relationship with Crush.  And, if anyone knows of a city that allows anyone to join every club (even people like me, who had a grandfather who owned a deli and NOT a plantation) and where I can eat biscuits by the dozen and still lose weight, please let me know…I will buy a one-way ticket and get on the next flight!

PS: Thank you for the wonderful, thoughtful and kind comments yesterday!  They really made my day and I appreciate the terrific feedback.  Also, sorry about the post fonts looking inconsistent, sometimes when I copy and paste (like I have with the last few posts)  I cannot get the words to take on the default font (I am not very tech savvy).  

Working It All Out

Crush and I are doing a bunch better lately.

For a while there it was fight fight fight at all costs (Ani Difranco reference for any fans out there....I love her).  We just couldn't get on the same page.  Much of the drama and tension were coming from a big issue that needed attention, Crush's processing issue.

Crush is now getting help.  I am SUPER proud of him.  I see a huge difference and he is taking the steps necessary to make himself a better communicator.  In turn, our friendship and relationship have improved and I am feeling safe again in our little boat.  For a while there, we were in the middle of a brewing dating hurricane.

Crush's mind works a bit different than mine.  He is a big dreamer.  He swept me right off my feet with his grand gestures and big ideas.

A few months ago, I realized that we had a problem.

I was observing this pattern of huge promises (which I do believe he is capable of doing and which I do believe WILL happen) in unrealistic time frames.

I had to take note of it for a while because I couldn't tell if this sense of utter urgency and then total slacking was coming from entitlement or something in his brain..As I have mentioned it before, we don't come from the same background, so with money and stability comes the ability to do things quickly that some would have to plan months or years for.  Translation = something sparkly isn't something Crush has to necessarily save for (even though I know he is currently saving because he is wonderful with investing and all that stuff that sounds just like when adults talk in Snoopy when you tell me..."wahwahwahwah").

After a few weeks of utter frustration waiting to hear about all of these things he was "still working on and trying to figure out", I lost my composure and went rather postal.

I screamed, "don't say it unless you mean it because I take your word for it!"

This was in response to many little open ended things and one big huge gigantic major one....

Around Valentine's Day, Crush had told me that he had started to investigate engagement rings and didn't know if he could wait until I moved to propose to me.

The man didn't think about anything past that.  There is no ring and it won't be on my finger in the next 2 months.  I know this for a fact.  I know that I am 32 years young and I am feeling like I am in a pressure cooker trying to lock it down.

I do feel that when I get my ring, I can breathe.  Love has NEVER felt like this before, but I have been here.  In a place I felt would end in marriage and it didn't.  So....well, I don't like the gray zone. Waiting for someone to ask you to to be their wife....well, it FUCKING sucks!  I am sorry, it does.  It feels so very uncomfortable for a control freak such as myself.  As happy as some aspects of my life are with Crush, this part of the relationship....the fine line I am walking by clearly outlining my expectations without giving ultimatums....well, I wish I could say it is fun, but then I would be lying.  BECAUSE IT IS TOTURE!!!!!!

I know.  I am being annoying right now.  I sound like a whiny bitch.  I get it.   Panting for a ring is just CRAZY and yet it is a thing.  When you love someone so much that you want to spend every waking second with them, it would be nice to be able to know that it will be forever today.  I don't think a ring will change anything in my life aside from the ability to feel a bit calmer.

Instant gratification?  Why yes, and if I didn't have an issue with it, I wouldn't need to lose 30 pounds still.

I was fantasizing.  I suck this way.  I love me a dream sequence.  Hell, I imagine myself a 19 year old music video vixen when I bust out my daily mileage on the spin bike.

I will admit,  I was dreaming of driving cross country to my new home with something lovely to admire on my left hand.  What a fairy-tale it could have been to have met my soul mate AND become engaged in less than 1 year?  It would have been like the end of some Rom Com.....me driving my sedan pointed South, laughing with my long hair blowing, admiring my shiny new friend.

And, since Sissy got engaged to her hubby less than 8 months from the day they first met, it gave me hope....I am the WORST comparer I know.

There is nothing quite like the feeling of the hardwood floor when it smacks you right in the face after the rug has been pulled out from under you.  Wakeup call.  Because as June curled into July, I realized that a ring wasn't happening this summer.  I am okay with this once I myself processed it.

Crush has spoken to my parents about his intentions and I truly believe that I will be a Mrs. To Be in the nearer future.  I actually want to live in the same city as Crush together for a few months before an engagement because I want a little peace to just enjoy life without planning .  We need some more casual just us time.  Time to watch TV, ride bikes, stroll the cobblestone streets, get ice cream, and eat homemade (by me, he barely knows how to open a can) weeknight suppers.  I LOVE TO COOK, so I actually dusted off my cookbooks and marked some pages of recipes I know he will like this past week  in anticipation of my move.

Love isn't easy.  I know....trite trite trite.  By even when you find the one, it doesn't all magically get better.  I still have anxiety, I still have fears, I still feel like it may not end the way I want it to.  I remember once talking to Sissy about this when she was a bit overwhelmed herself with being pregnant so soon after she was married so soon after she met her love.  She told me one of the best pieces of advice, "with every great life transition comes excitement, uncertainty, and a little bit of an adjustment period."  So true.

I have been disappointed before.  I have felt the pain and loss of a broken heart.  I am fairly confidant that Crush and I are meant to be a we.

We shall see.

A Special Dress

I have a dress I love.

A few years ago my mom bought it for me to wear and I couldn't zip it.  Not even an inch.

I thought about wearing it ALL the time.  When I read menus at restaurants and decided what to eat, when I turned up the resistance knob on my spin bike a the gym, when I chose club soda over vodka and soda out with friends.

4 months later I wore the dress to my sister's bridal shower and felt sensational.

When Crush was visiting my sister's this week, he saw a very sweet photo of Sissy and me hugging at her bridal shower.  I was wearing the dress.  He said, "wow, babe, you look beautiful in that dress (it is a gorgeous turquoise silk shantung), I love it, please wear it for me sometime."

As a smart girlfriend, I didn't say, "oh, I can hardly get it over my hips now."  I smiled and said, "you bet, mister, for you, anything."

Today after a HUGE lunch of snacks, I got out the dress and tried it on.  The zipper went up halfway, but I have a far way to go.

And then, I thought......I got into this dress for Sissy's shower and loved wearing it.....now, I want to wear this same dress for another special occasion, when Crush and my parents meet for the first time which will be this June.

I think in 3 months, I can make this happen.

But, this time, I want to make sure I can always get back into my favorite dress.  I can't do this short-term diet stuff anymore.

How lovely it will be to have a closet full of clothes that actually fit.

This Town Will Never be Big Enough for the Two of Us

I have been having a reoccurring dream these days.  A nightmare, really.

It is about my wedding.

It is one of those dreams that you know is a dream, but you cannot wake up.

Oy.

I am all dressed up as a bride wearing exactly the kind of dress I want.  My hair is perfect, I am at a lovely weight, my lipstick is that perfect shade of pink I am always buying at Sephora that looks terrible on me in real life, but absolutely perfect on me in this dream.

Everyone is there.  My family, my best friends, Crush, his family....

The ceremony begins and I walk down the aisle and AWFUL is standing there as my groom in all of his toadstool glory.  I panic.  I start hyperventilating.  I try to turn around and run, but he holds me tightly by the arm, and tells me not to embarrass him through his closed brown baby teeth (he had teeny tiny teeth).  He tells me that everyone thinks I am crazy.  He tells me that everyone hates me.  He tells me that I am nothing without him.  He tells me that I am fat.  He tells me all of the things that he said to upset me when we were together in real life.

I cannot wake up.  I try, I scream "WAKE UP!" in my dream.   And I marry him hysterically crying while he holds my arm so tightly that it cramps in real life (like when I wake up, my left arm is half asleep).  Mascara running down my cheeks while everyone just disappears, but Crush.  Crush is pounding on the windows outside, trying desperately to get in, all dressed up in a tux and tails.  The other weird detail....When we start our vows, we are no longer at a hotel, but in a church......but I am Jewish.  Awful was the one who promised to convert and didn't want to, but wasn't man enough to come clean and strung me along.  Yet in the dream, I am marrying him in the most gorgeous church.

I wake up crying every time.  Three times I have had this dream.  The last time being 2 nights ago, in bed with Crush. I woke up sobbing and screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and woke Crush up in the process.  I told him all about the dream and he simply said....."I believe Awful knows we are in love, even if he doesn't have it confirmed, he can feel it and you can feel it and your mind is processing how serious we are.  I would break down the church window to marry you and punch Awful in the face, so if you have this dream again, maybe the ending will be different now that I said that."  He is smart, my Crush.

As soon as I dumped Awful, I ran home, to live with my parents.  It wasn't only because of needing comfort or financial support, it was because I needed some distance between Awful and his manipulations.  I knew he was badmouthing me, trying to steal my friends.....going out and getting drunk and sharing embarrassing and personal stories about me.  People hate me because of him.  They cross streets when they see me, they ignore me in coffee shops, they don't return my emails....Yet, these people were only acquaintances and even if it stings for one moment, they can have Awful.  I would spend my life friendless if I had the choice between having to be friends with Awful to have other friends or to spend my life completely alone.  That is how much I dislike him.  But, yet, I see why people are drawn to him as a friend.  Because he is so insecure and such an approval seeker, he is a great person to use.  He will pay for everything and go so overboard.  Hell, he seduced me initially this way, too.

I know he is speaking unkindly about me because he did this about his ex-wife.  Made her into a monster.  Called her "the bitch ex-wife." Poor girl also ran home to her parents years ago after divorcing Awful and from what I heard, she is still there, home, cocooned, maybe she didn't want to ever see him again either.  She also dumped him.  I would love to know her take on their marriage, but of course, it is none of my business.

This city isn't big enough for the two of us, Awful and me.  I know I am leaving and yet I still have anxiety about seeing him.  Why?  Hmmmmm, this is a bit complicated.  It is not because of who he is, BUT, because of who I was when I was with him.  When I dream about him, it makes me sick because I know that his hateful comments soaked into my subconscious.  He penetrated all of me with his toxicity.

I was planning to move to Boston before meeting Awful and somewhere south after I dumped him and way before I met Crush. The south has always intrigued me, mostly because you can't do hospitality better than the south does. So, my tie to this city was never that deep, but moving away has many positives, one major one being that Awful still lives here and I don't imagine he will go away anytime soon, especially since he has a pretty easy job that I helped get for him through my connections and own job at the time.

Awful told me that I would never find the man I wanted and I DID.  I remember him telling me that what I wanted didn't exist.  He said specifically, "you will never find a smart, nice, Jewish man who will treat you the way you want.  It doesn't exist.  But, if it did, you wouldn't be the one he would chose.  Trust me, I am a guy and I know that for a fact."  Joke is on you, Awful.

Yet, I don't feel the need to sock it to him.  I don't feel like I will rejoin Facebook the minute I get engaged.  To post wedding photos, to show him how in love I am, how handsome Crush is, how Crush is exactly the kind of man he wished he could be.  I know that deep inside seeing me with the kind of guy he told me would never want me would hurt him.  At the end of the day, I don't want to hurt anyone.

I don't need to prove that I won.

Because I already did.

And I think inside, he knows it, too.

Bad Bad Dream and Other Worries

I had a very bad dream last night.

It involved all of my worst fears: being walked in on by my dad when I was being intimate (with Crush in this dream), beetles, fire, home invasion, and guests that won't leave.

My dream seriously involved all of these things and I just laughed while typing this because my fears are ALL over the place and quite random.

In my dream, Crush was there.  We were in some sort of hybrid of both of our parents' houses if they were morphed together and had a baby.  What woke me up shaking was that in the dream, every time something BAD happened: fire, crackheads that wouldn't leave, beetles coming out of my Perrier bottle (SERIOUSLY)....Crush wasn't able to help me the way I needed to be helped.

Now now, Crush is the BEST.  But, he is a person, just like me and he has flaws, we all do.  I accept his good and bad and let me tell you that he is the best gent I have EVER dated. We are still learning about each other, working through communication hiccups, and finding the way to be the best partners we can be for each other.

It is not about changing fundamentally who you are (I have tried, it doesn't work!).  It is about being the best person you can be for another person because you genuinely have those qualities inside of your soul.

I am a boss.  I am a bossy boss boss.  Some of this is because I was single for most of my life.  I was NEVER the girl with the boyfriend.  I was the lovable sidekick and I was happy and satisfied by that.  I lived alone and I lived with ladies who had boyfriends, so I was alone half of the time I had roommates.  I learned how to be comfy with my own company and now it is the company I actually enjoy most, most of the time.  I learned how to plunge a toilet.  I learned how to change a light bulb.  I learned where the fuse box was.  I learned the best way to get rid of giant high-rise spiders. I learned these things because I had to.

I have always leaned heavily on my parents (I am both a mommy's AND daddy's girl) and not a man.  In some ways, I know that this stunted some of my maturity with men.  I also found quite possibly the only man as sweet as my daddy who also thinks I am charming and hilarious at the same time (just like my dad), so I did something right.

In addition to the bossy, I am a control freak.  I like to do things myself.  I like the way I make a bed.  I like the way I scrub a bathroom.  I like the way I do laundry.  I like the way I cook.  I often find myself scolding and correcting the way Crush does tasks because he doesn't do them my way.  MY MY MY.  I am sure I seem like a total brat, but I do like my way better than his way when it comes to organization and daily tasks and we balance each other out.  He was washing darks and lights together on cold with no laundry detergent when we met.  I had to explain the difference between laundry detergent and dish soap.

Now for the dream analyzing.  Oh yes, here it is..........

When Crush visited last week, we spent some quality time with my folks even though I was pretty sick and I still am actually.  As I reported, everyone loved each other.  Last month, for the holidays, Crush sent both my mom and my grandmother letters telling them how much he loves me and how excited he was to meet them.  My mom is a mush ball like me and before Crush left after their in-person meeting, she gave him a loving card which pointed out all of his wonderful qualities and why she feels he is a great man for me.  It a sweet message and very on point with the card he sent her in December. Love fest.

Yesterday, Crush told me that he showed his mom my mother's card.  I understand, he is close to his folks, too and I mean, I live with mine, they know mostly everything.  It was what he said his mom said that bugged me.....and of course I wasn't there, so I don't really know the full situation or how the comment was expressed.  He said this his mom said, "Oh wow, this is really forward.  Her mom wants to make you a part of the family now."

Ouch.

The thing is this, I tell my parents EVERYTHING.  There is no formality between us.  This doesn't mean that I disrespect them, but I was raised to feel.  To have emotions.  To show them.  To discuss my life and ALL of my life: the good, the bad, the ugly.  Crush was raised differently.  I don't use differently as a bad word here.  He simply cannot show his feelings openly with his family.  I have witnessed this on several occasions.  At the dinner table, they talk about how their food tastes and not their lives. They are formal in some ways and this again is just different because at my dinner table, you can let it all hang out.  

Who he is with me, isn't who he is with his family.  With me, he is silly, open, emotional, raw, and untapped.  He tells me I bring out his inner-child.  It is perhaps the best compliment ever.  He acted very relaxed with my family.  I was happy about that.  My parents are easy to get along with and very kind.  Their best quality is their realness.

I asked Crush last night if his mom knew that he sent my mom a card declaring his love for me back in December and he said, "no."  I reminded him that out of context, my mom's card would have seemed totally strange, but he sent the love card first and he agreed.  On his own, he said, "You are right, I left out a huge part of the story to my mom.  I will fill in the gaps for her. Thank you for continuing to make me a better person and more self aware.  You are much better with people than I am.  I am trying to be open with my parents because I love them so much, there is just this invisible wall up.  When we have kids one day, I want them to feel open with us like you do with your parents.  I admire your family."

The dream was a wake up call to me.  I need to chill out.  It doesn't always have to be MY way or the highway.  It is time to start making things OUR way.

Dream Come True?

My dreams have been so vivid lately.  Beautiful.  The kind that you don't want to wake up from.  I have been sleeping in....not good.

The last time I had dreams like this on a regular basis was exactly a year ago.  I was finding my personal strength to leave Awful and I had the most intense dreams.  In them, my grandfather would come and tell me to "just leave, just go, I promise you it will be okay, I am looking out for you, just leave, just go."  I had that same dream about 9 times before I got up and didn't think about things, about what I would be giving up, I just grabbed my bags and followed my heart right out of Awful's front door.

A few nights ago, I had a really neat dream.  I dreamt that the Crush attended a wedding with me that was 2 and half years ago.  In real life, I went with Awful.  It was a fun weekend, a GREAT wedding.  The wedding was for one of my very best friends, a person I truly adore.  It took place in her hometown, one of my favorite cities in the world.  It would have been better if Awful wasn't my date, everything always became about him and his drinking embarrassed me.  In my dream, Crush and I were having a ball.  I looked really happy and he was a great dancer and twirled me all night.  I am sucker for a man that can dance.  I told him about my dream and he told me that he LOVES to dance and he has taken lots of lessons, it's more of traditional thing from where he is from.  I mean obviously, because I forgot to put that on my list, but really should have, did I mention...I LOVE to dance.  A man raised right can dance if you ask me.  Swoon.

Last night, I had another vivid dream.  Crush wasn't in it this time, but I was again in the city that my best friend above got married in, in a hotel I love and stayed at with Awful a few times before.  In my dream, I am primping to go somewhere.  I am listening to my favorite CD ever and sipping a glass of champagne.  I am not at my skinniest, but I am about 20 pounds less than I am now and if I do say so myself, I look beautiful.  I am wearing one of my favorite primping garments, a long silk nightie with spaghetti straps....my nearest and dearest call it a Dynasty nightie and make fun of me for loving them, it is a very 80s look.  My hair is long, my skin is crystal clear, my teeth and eyes are bright.  I am really happy.  I look like the person I am just starting to look like again after a real long time...I missed her.  I put on my perfume and take a sip of champagne.  I am in front of a gorgeous vintage vanity staring at myself in the mirror, smiling.  Just as I start to apply my lipstick, I wake up.....

This morning, I received a text as soon as I got out of bed from Crush that read:

C: I dreamt about you last night.

R&F: You did, what happened?

C: I was somewhere I have never been before, I am not sure where, but I think a hotel.  You were primping to go somewhere in front of a mirror.  I was standing at the doorway admiring you, I am not even sure if you knew I was there.  You looked so beautiful.  It was taking me a lot not to muss you.  You were putting on red lipstick.  I love red lipstick. (SIDE NOTE: I do too, a little bit too much and ten years into my red lipstick career, I have just figured out how to wear it, I plan to offer some beauty product suggestions on this blog too, down the line, in my dream I was putting on my new favorite red, Nars Heat Wave.....).

R&F: I had a very similar dream.  I just peed myself.  I now have the chills and I am going to be late for a conference call that I require coffee for.  Talk to you later.  Don't forget your details.  I need to hear ALL about it later.

And yes, Crush uses words like muss.

Pinch me.

The List

A year ago, I was told to make a list of the qualities I was looking for in my husband.

It was first an exercise to see if Awful, the man I was begging to marry me, was really the kind of person I wanted.  He wasn't.  

But, the list didn't tell me this because I only found the courage to write it about 3 months ago.

I was told to write the list by my mother, by one of my very best friends, by my sister, by the clairvoyant who completely changed my life that the best friend listed above just had a feeling I HAD to meet (more on that some other time).  

I was told to put down EXACTLY what I was looking for.  To let it all hang out, to not censor myself, to not worry about how it all "looked" on paper.  As I have explained before, I care DEEPLY about what other people think, so of course this was hard for me. 

And I started my list about 20 times and then I would cry (obviously) and become very sad and eat and then fall asleep in my crumb pile and I couldn't finish the list completely.

I didn't want to write the list because the list felt so superficial, so final, so choreographed.  I have a short attention span.  I sometimes feel claustrophobic and cooped up committing 2 hours to watch a movie....

But, then I went to my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people in the world.  I spalled out on the beach and I made my list and it made me feel so free.  Really giddy and light headed and almost drunk.  I then copied the list and sent it to a very special person in heaven and I have a feeling he received it (more on that some other time....I PROMISE).

The LIST:

1.  Soulmate love/same religion as me (Jewish)

2.  Taller than me (I asked for 6' and over)

3.  Brown or black hair

4.  Any color eyes (I think ALL eyes are beautiful in their own way)

5.  Big hands 

6.  Broad shoulders 

7.  Masters degree or higher

8. Straight teeth

9.  Kind

10.  Sensitive

11.  Stable job, earns a good living

12.  Does not drink or do drugs regularly (special occasions are fine and welcome, let's celebrate!)

13.  Good listener

14.  Respects downtime

15.  Respects privacy

16.  Doesn't embarrass me

17.  Likes to explore: take long walks, bike ride, wander cities and countrysides

18.  Doesn't smother me

19.  Can be quiet

20.  Will join me to see the world

21.  Will think I am beautiful

22.  Will not give me a body complex

23.  Faithful

24.  Good morals and values

25.  Appreciates music

26.  Has an active lifestyle, works outs

27.  Ready to get married

28.  Ready to have children

29.  Loves me, not just the idea of me

30.  Doesn't need to be popular or cool

31.  Will be my best friend

32.  Will complete me

33.  Will push me, will challenge me

34.  Will open me to new experiences

35.  Will admit fault

And, and....Crush seems to have so many of these qualities and I am getting so optimistic....for example: he is way more into my own religion than I am, but I asked for faithful (#23), he doesn't seem to have tons of friends, but I asked for someone who doesn't need to be popular or cool (#30), and he plays several instruments (#25)....he also works out daily (#26), wants to have kids pretty soon (#28), has a masters (#7), is soft-spoken (#19), and loves to travel (#20). He's tall too (#2), but I could have really let that one go if I needed to.  

Maybe sometimes, sometimes, you really do get what you wish for.

And even if this isn't anything and NOTHING happens, I am just so happy that what I want is actually OUT there.  These kind of guys do exist.....it's just being patient enough to find them. If not this one, then the next one, or the one after him, but he IS coming, I know it. 

Binge Free: Day 6

Hmmmmm.....today was less than the best, but it was still okay.....I had all three meals out as it was busy busy, I also got a bit overwhelmed thinking about what I had to do rather than doing what I had to do and ate pretzels and a granola bar for absolutely no reason other than the fact that I had them in my purse from 2010.  At least I am being mindful that I did it.  2,500 calories which included bagels, Thai food, and some pizza.  Not starving here. Sweet dreams, I fear that I am going to have another creepy sex dream and now that I said it, I bet it will be with Steve Buscemi or something...

More Dreams

I woke up in the middle of the night again last night and I ate a few snacks....pretzels and cookies.  It is such an automatic reflex, it isn't even something I notice until I am in the middle of doing it.  I know how this whole eating at night thing started.....

When I drank to excess in years past, I would often wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated and when I mustered up enough strength, I would stumble to the kitchen and slam soda (always diet) and carby snacks, so I wouldn't puke.  Often the bubbles and bread helped and I would wake up feeling like shit, just not like total shit.  I always wrote these calories off as an absolute necessity (so they didn't ever count) because I mean, I would puke if I didn't eat them, so they were crucial (perhaps I shouldn't have been drinking to puketown....hmmmmmm)

Then, I was taking sleeping pills for a while when I first went on my anxiety medicine.  I am afraid of the dark (I still am, but I am working through it) and coupled with my anxiety, I went through a phase a few years ago when I didn't sleep for months....perhaps 3-4 hours a day max and it wasn't always at nighttime.  The good news, I had Bravo, Lifetime, MTV, VH1, Oxygen and my absolute favorite WE, so I could be constantly entertained by quality programming in the wee hours of the morning.

The sleeping pills, unleashed the eating monster in me.  Rooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr.  I would sleep eat and be just consciousness enough to not choke, but it wasn't fun and I stopped taking the sleeping pills very soon after I woke up with a half eaten Lean Pocket (meatball and marinara flavor, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) stuck to the back of my pajama pants. Reality check.

One of the advantages, there were a few, to dating Awful, was that I slept.  I slept because he had the side of the bed by the door, he had a security system, he owned several guns (many collectables and serious rifles), and he had a sure shot that could rival Annie Oakley.  I mean Awful did have some talent....he could have seriously shot a pea right through the middle from 50 yards away.  When I once saw him slay some birds, I had very mixed feelings of being impressed and being appalled. Contradiction he was, blue-blooded WASP democrat who killed baby animals....I digress, I digress again and again and again....

I can admit this now, one of the reasons I stayed with Awful was because his parents had a summer house, he had a boat, he owned a home in an expensive city, I slept.  I really slept, like black out slept sober, and it was something after years of not sleeping, that I really needed.  I do look forward to one day sharing a bed with a non-Awful because though I hate to snuggle and I am a hot sleeper (I like really cold sleeping quarters, cannot be confined by top sheets, and socks while sleeping is my version of hell), I do love the company of another warm body in a big cozy bed in a very chilly room.

My dream last night involved Dunbar from the Real World: Sidney.  It was brought to my attention that Dummy Bear (what all those cool MTVers call him) did some porn and I may have watched the clip (if you find it, SO NSFW obviously) and I will never get those 6 minutes of my life back even though sometimes (shhhhhhh) I do enjoy me some erotic film.  Being intimate with Dunbar in my dream made me feel like I was in college and whereas I like that feeling most of the time, I do remember being in some pretty bad sexy situations that I walked right into without knowing how to get out..one of them is that I was had sex with someone like on three separate occasions (I have been told) and I do not remember any one of those occasions.....I mean NOT good and I am SO lucky.

Being naked in my dream with Dunbar felt a bit like that.

Also, then I went to Starbucks in my dream and ordered a vanilla latte and forgot to say nonfat and then I thought they gave me whole milk even through I do believe the default is now 2% and then I never even got to drink that fattening delicious latte because my nephew came into my bed screaming "Rowseeeeeeeee" at 5am with really bad morning breath (I never knew 2 year olds can have terrible morning breath) because I must admit that I do a killer rendition of Ring Around the Rosie complete with a tickle-pickle (I made this genius up myself) breakdown that comes immediately after we all fall down.

Talent people, talent.

These Are My Confessions

I'm not Usher.

No, for real, I did get up in the middle of the night and eat some cookies mindlessly and then I stuffed a few chocolates in and then I didn't rebrush me teeth and then I woke up drooling chocolate.  It happened.  I logged the calories, 370.......and I have moved on.  This is an accomplishment in itself.  I am not going to be all or nothing anymore.  370 calories will not define the final results in a year....baby steps, one bite at a time.  It all went into my calorie tracker as "Late Night Snack Attack."

Perhaps I woke up and needed some sweets because I had a sex dream about Ted Danson.  I mean, WTF?  I never even considered him sexy, but after last night....whew, silver fox rocked my world.  He has very strong shoulders and hands if you are wondering.  He is also tall (in my dreams), lives in a rustic Colorado home, with beautiful showers, a kind size bed with bedding so soft you may be rolling around in a cloud, toilets that talk and wash your lady parts, and a full-time security staff lead by Mase (like P Ditty's former sidekick from 1998).....Also, I dreamt about Friends Ted Danson, not Three Men in a Baby Ted Danson, and not current Ted Danson who is starting to look a little too much like my dad for normal purposes........and gag.