Processing the Big Picture

Hi friends!

I have missed you!

I have been working and working out and lifting weights and sunning my psoriasis in limited doses (it really helps it go away and another reason why I can't wait to go South...sunshine and saltwater!!!), and daydreaming about life in less than 4 months!!!!

I have also been processing.

I feel ill even typing what I am about to share, but I feel like I can't start censoring now.  I have come too far with my honesty....please don't judge me.  PLEASE.

So, potential.  Yes, I need to address this.  Because it has been bothering me.

I didn't work up to my potential.  I should have worked harder in high school and college.  I know this. I could have been more.  I should have achieved better career-wise.  I want to go back to school for a masters degree for this very reason.  To prove that I can for myself. I was so smart, top of my class, until I was 15 and fell apart from self esteem issues.  It has haunted me.  My parents thought I was destined for the Ivys until my sophomore year of high school.  I let them down, but mostly, I let myself down.

School jazz aside, I am proud that I have always had a job since I was 15.  I was a babysitter, lifeguard, waitress, bartender, bar-back, restaurant hostess, camp counselor, pizza maker, swim lesson instructor, receptionist at a dental office, vacuum cleaner saleswoman (NO JOKE and a great story as I just learned that it was actually a drug ring and I had NO idea when I worked there), and a nanny all before I graduated from college.  I had all of these jobs for a while until location made me have to leave them.  I always excelled at my positions, often got promoted, and never had a problem picking up things quickly.

I accepted my first real job within 3 weeks of leaving my college campus.  I interviewed for 4 jobs and were offered all of them (it was a different time before the recession).  I have never not been asked back for a second interview.  I am great at work (well, up until rather recently when some people have not actually seen my potential, but that is okay, too!).  Work is one of my strengths.

Crush on the other hand, was in school until 26.  Then, passing big exams and licensings.  He never worked a job until he was 28 years old.  It was a job that he didn't even have to interview for.  He once worked for a few weeks for a family friend while pursuing his masters and then once went out on a job interview for a potential position, but was not offered it.  His experience is limited.

Crush is simple in some ways.  I had to teach him how to tip.  I had to teach him how to speak to servers (unless you have worked at a restaurant or had friends or family do it....you have no idea how hard it can be), and how be patient at restaurants...he would ask for water, bread, and wine from the hostess before we were even sat at our table and visited by our server....it read as rude, but he had no idea that it wasn't correct as he often had people serving meals in his own home growing up.

I had to explain how hard work is for most because he honestly had no idea.  Sometimes.....I think Crush either lived under a rock until he met me or was brought to the year 2012 (when we met) in a time machine or a spaceship.

I feel weird sharing this, but Crush is supported mostly by his family.  He is being groomed to take over one of their several businesses.  I am being supported by my family too right now, but not exactly in the same way. I am saving money while I live at home.  I cover all of my expenses, the folks just don't make me pay rent which is awesome (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!).  It isn't exactly the same as generous and as awesome as my p's are.  Hell, I am spoiled too...it's all relative I suppose.

I have always had a job though and even if I am not the best saver...work has been a part of my life.

Crush really doesn't make much money on his own...I just learned about this, this week.  It is less than I ever made in my corporate jobs and it surprised me a bit.  He was born into a really good life.  I don't know numbers, but I know that he has more savings at less than 35 than my Dad ever will (my dad worked for the SAME company for 42 years!) and that is just the tip of the iceberg...there will always be more, much more.....so much more.  It will come over the years.

Yes, I have to sign a prenuptial agreement.  We have discussed this.  It is simply how his life is.

It is not my money...it is from all of the generations and generations before him.  It is hard to get my head around it and I am weirded out by it.  It keeps me up some nights.  It makes me nervous.

I am glad I met Crush online and he never told me any of this until way into our relationship when I started putting things together and realizing that his own work experience and life experience would not have been able to produce what he has.

I would love him even if he had nothing and in some ways, I think that he would be better developed and more of a man if this was the case....if he had to work like most of the rest of us do in life.

So, my boyfriend hasn't ever had to work up to his potential because the objective of making money was never really forced.  Yet, he is frugal (sometimes alarmingly so) and great with money and investing.  He is resourceful and not wasteful and genuinely kind and charitable (even though he thought 5 percent and not 20 percent tips were okay before he met me....SORRY to all of those hard working servers out there....please don't spit in our food when you us out for dinner!).  He has a heart and soul that is so pure and good, it astounds me sometimes.  He was raised right in many ways. He wants to live little and save big.  To not take advantage of what was given to him...I respect him for this.

I am helping Crush finish a few things he started and be a bit more hands on with his own life.  He wants to be.  He does.  No one allowed him to be. But, I know his folks (who I do adore) perhaps thought he would develop differently.  Be more of a man seeing how he was groomed (prep school, great college, good masters programs)....yet, it didn't all click for Crush somehow.

Crush wants to know how to do certain things around the house, how to be better at work, how to treat clients...he isn't entitled...he is the opposite.  His sheltered life makes him seem simple sometimes. He is the most literal person I have ever met. Almost oblivious to modern life.  I doubt anyone, but me, knows how smart he really is.  I could see people thinking otherwise and how that can hurt him business-wise.

I believe that people in a good relationship bring out the best in one another.  I know Crush and I were brought together to be the greatest we can be as a team.  Crush has made me patient, even tempered, sweeter, less vulgar, and kinder.  I have learned to stop and smell the honeysuckle and enjoy a cup of coffee without text messaging.

In return, I have helped him learn some life skills, join the year 2013, offered him confidence and support.  I have taught him how most other people live.  He is different and very blessed and he never knew it, not really.

I want Crush to work towards his full potential.

Not for money.

Not for my own personal gain.

I want Crush to be fulfilled by his own interests because I know he doesn't see the greatness I see in him yet....because he was never really forced to develop on his own.

Reality Check....Spin Class DOES NOT = Big Macs (and sigh....)

Good news!  My gym got new spin bikes.

Bad news!  Now I know exactly how far, how fast, and how many calories I have burned each class.

I am torn on this.

I liked just cruising on my little spin bike.  I liked sweating and bopping on the bars and lip-syncing to Gaga and Kelly Clarkson and convincing myself that I burned 1,200 calories in 45 minutes and I could eat extra value meals without even ordering a Diet Coke to go with it.

But, I knew somewhere in the cobwebs of reality that I was indeed not burning as many calories as I wanted to believe as I haven't lost weight from working out in over three years.  And three years ago, I got completely addicted and OBSESSED with working out and it was beginning to get a little craycray, if I do say so myself.

I turned into one of those people who HAD to workout, or it was going to be a bitchy bad day. At least the awful depression Awful caused me, got me out of that stage, even if it meant putting me in the funkiest of funks....trying to see the bright side of things these days......

So, thank you Awful, for being so terrible that being around you made me so lethargic that I couldn't go to my obsessive exercise classes at 5:30 am 5 times a week and my other obsessive exercise classes at 6:00 pm and 7:00 pm back to back 2 times a week.....

I should have stuck to it as nothing helps my depression more than some sweating at the gym (or sweating in the bed.....couldn't resist, so sorry all, but thank you Crush, I bet we have 6 more months of intense passion is us.....since I am moving and will see him almost everyday in 6 months.....hehe).

Everything in moderation.  Balance is key.

So, today's 45 minutes of hardcore spin class (not including the 15 minutes that include set up, warm up, and cool down).....

10.5 miles

13.5 mile per hour pace

305 calories burned (whah wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

No more Big Mac justification (or entire Amy Organics Rice Crust Pizzas.....)

But, this is totally the wake up call I needed.  I am trying to be as honest as possible, so perhaps starting with myself is a really good thing, too!

Have a great day, all!

Real Friends, Internet Friends,THANK YOU, Honesty, and Getting Up After You Have Been Knocked Down...The Most Random and Honest Post Ever

In the last year, I have learned who my true friends are.

It took an Awful breakup, a move back home, and a BIG step towards full self-improvement, self-respect, and self-confidence.

My real friends stood by me each and every step of the way.

These people have seen me through ups and downs.  Have stalked me down when I couldn't turn up for events or get out of bed.  Even when I post here now and I am down, I get wonderful texts from a real friend on the West coast who is checking in to support me, love me, and be there for me....from thousands of miles away.  I am lucky.

Internet friends (and some real friends, too) THANK YOU all for reading and for letting me share my honesty.  I thank you all for believing in me.  The virtual support, advice, and love is inspiring.  There are so many wonderful people in this world.  I forget this sometimes when I let my bitter and bad bite me. This blog is cleansing. It has helped me be a better person, a kinder soul, and most importantly, honest.  I have been fighting with honesty for as long as I can remember......

I think my lying started as a defense mechanism when I was young, before I can even really consciously remember.  From therapy, I am piecing together that I do think being called "fat and big" by many people including my grandmother, family friends, and peers at school (I can remember being taunted in nursery school) made me create an alternate reality of sorts to protect myself.  Instead of being fat, I wanted to be wonderful.  I needed to be loved, I needed to be adored, I needed to be admired, and I needed to distract the world from calling me fat so much, so I lied.  Sometimes, I remember blurting something random out to distract people from calling me fat when I felt like they were going to say it.

I remember not lying from 3rd grade when I started over in a new school and wasn't called fat for a while until 6th grade when I was publicly mocked and taunted for an entire year by the most popular boys in school one year older than me.  Being circled and being chanted "Ogre" at still haunts me.  As I have been processing my past pain, it is something I have nightmares about from time to time.  There is nothing worse than public humiliation.  It is one of the reasons I don't even believe in negative reviews for restaurants or service professionals online.  I like to go to the source and let my feelings be known directly because I am so sensitive of being a bully.  It is why I get pushed around in business, too.

After junior high, I got my lying in check for a while until my uncle had a nervous breakdown, lost his very high profile job, and went bankrupt.  He got divorced for the second time, lost custody of his 2 children, had shock therapy, and lived in my parents' basement.  For over 1 year....the same year Sissy went to college and my Nana who I adored, passed away.  It was my sophomore year of high school and Bitch and Snake had just really gotten their fangs into me good.  I fell apart.  My mom confided in some ladies from the neighborhood (and Bitch's and Snake's moms) and they gossiped horribly about my family, spun tales, and mocked us.  It is what people around here do and one of the reasons why helping clients from these parts sometimes snipes me.  It is popular to jump on the bandwagon and kick people when they are down and that isn't how I was raised or how my heart works. Not to totally generalize an area, but it is very vicious, and stupid, and silly, and catty and really pathetic.  I lied ever since high school until lately in some capacity.

My lies weren't huge and were mostly exaggerations.  I knew when I was lying, too, so that is easier to fix.  I have been practicing some tactics for over a year and it has really made the truth the way with me.  I think this is why 2 of my clients fired me.  Because there are more liars than honest people in my industry and I didn't want to hustle anymore.  I think they took the shift in my personality as giving up when it was actually getting better.

Yesterday and today, I have been calling vendors personally and admitting I lost a client and made mistakes.  They have all complimented my honesty and said that they have ALL been fired, too.  It is simply a part of business and learning lessons.  They all thanked me for allowing them to keep the client and for admitting fault.  It was the right thing to do.

I went to coffee with a fantastic entrepreneur and young businessman yesterday and asked him for advice. I told him what I did wrong and he walked me through many of my mistakes step by step and offered me excellent recommendations, guidance, and sympathy.  Because I was able to openly say, "I kinda fucked up." Which is the truth.  I should have fired the clients before they fired me.  No more victim here.

Today, another vendor of mine, who I called to report the firing to, asked to take me to lunch to help. He is going to help me identity the best clients for me and help me finalize my new website which is very close to being done and was delayed for a while while I was sorted out where I was going to live next year city-wise.

And I know all this good is happening because I am honest.

I know this post was random, but this has all been on the tip of my tongue and it feels so yummy to let it all out.

I plan to return some calls this weekend and catch up with real friends and offer my love and support to them, too.

Happy Friday and have a wonderful day!