Thursday, November 29, 2012


Last night I had dinner with 2 special friends that I wish I could see more.  Every time we get together we have fun, but it isn't a regular occurrence as we are all busy, me with life, them with life AND husbands AND kids.

We caught up and I filled them in on Crush and I shared the news that I plan to move.  I love the WTF reaction I am getting about it!  It is priceless.  Much of this has to do with the fact that besides a few of my BEST friends and family, no one knows too much about Crush in real life, as I am not on Facebook anymore and I have become much more private as I get older.

Us gals got to talking about timing and when I thought I would be engaged or get married and I have to say that I am not sure, but I don't think it will be too too long after I move.  Crush and I, neither of us are spring chickens and emotionally, we are ready.  But, as I have said before, I am not about rushing this, for real, not just for cute, I am savoring every second of these beginning stages.  I am not about rings, wedding dresses, and babies (I had LASER FOCUS with Awful regarding these things) because I am truly loving Crush, fully in real time and enjoying the now NOW, so I will never forget how wonderful this all feels. I can never get the first stages of falling in love back.

One of my very best friends who is extremely happily married and I reference all the time on this blog (WE CLOSE!) once told me during one of my darkest days this past year, "I am jealous of you because you still get to fall in love.  You still get to have those first kisses and days just hanging out and having sex and I know you will have it, so when you do, you will totally know how wonderful it all is and how much it will all be worth it." And she is (AND ALWAYS IS, ACTUALLY!) so right!  This is all so special, now that it is happening, it is truly the BEST feeling in the universe.

I made the comment last night about how impressed I am of my friends for balancing so much: husband, babies, work, life, etc. because up until this year, I never gave my friends and sister enough credit for how much work being a wife and mom really is.  When I asked my dinner companions how they did it all, they both answered it simply, "you adapt."  They explained that you make it all work because that is the only real option and slowly, but surely, it all does truly come together like most everything else.  You don't have to even over think it (hard concept for the OVER analyzer I am!). And duh.

There is this pressure for women to be SO many things and to be ALL of these things ALL at once.  I am so selfish these days, I really am.  I have a little disposable income, I have time, I have the luxury of being able to run to the store, workout everyday, take long showers, eat Twizzlers and Doritos for dinner, if that is what I crave (like I did 2 nights ago!).

My sissy always tells me to enjoy the single days.  The reality TV Bravo binges, the mud masks while eating takeout Thai, the sleeping alone in the big bed with clean sheets, the falling asleep while reading TMZ and for the first time in my life, I really am enjoying ALL of it!

When I move to be with Crush, I will be giving up a bit of my independence.  I am a mama bear by nature and I love to nurture.  I think much of why we work is that Crush loves my sweet side and appreciates it and I love his sweet side and appreciate it.  We are both givers, so there is a lot of love and affection in the communal pot.  I will make dinner, I will do laundry, I will dust......I like my life to be a bit regimented for the most part, so my other half will have to allow me to be this way and Crush does.  This is a major reason why I don't want to cohabitate with him.  I don't want to sell myself short because I do have great life skills and I don't want him to get my best benefits (like Awful did) without a true commitment = marriage.  Again, I judge no one else for how they get to their conclusions, I just had to move back in with my folks at 30 because of my past experiences, so I would be a total asshat if I don't learn from my own mistakes....

I have finally realized how much women adapt.  We are awesome this way.  We are so many things to so many people and we seem to make it all work most of the time.

I think adapting is really one of the best skills of all.  I am currently working on it myself. Diet be damned!!!!

Have a great day!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

It is Personal (Yes, a Blog Post About MY Vagina)

Sorry, I don't want to make anyone feel weirded out about this and I promise not to be graphic, but this post is going to be about my vagina.  Don't make a scared face, I will not be inappropriate.  This will be G rated vagina talk.  This post is about how I came to love my vagina.

So, many years ago, let's say 14, I didn't really think much about my vagina.  I knew it was an important part of my body and all, but being so self conscious and so inexperienced with men, it just had the importance of let's say, my elbow.  Very functional, but not at all the center of my existence.

In college, I experimented.  I drank, I made major mistakes, I gained weight, I lost weight, I got naked with more than just a few men.  I was very confused.

I didn't deem respect, so honestly, I didn't get treated very well.  Don't feel bad for me.  I was an angry, mean, bitchy, out of control asshole because I was so insecure, I didn't know what being treated well would even be, even if it ran me over going 200 miles an hour....I was a mess.

One night (or even day, really), I was out at a bar (surprise!) and I heard this guy I hate and always hated and will always hate talking about my lady part....and talking to a group of people about it, guys and girls no less.......I think if it was just guys, it would have actually been easier to stomach.  And the thing is that this particular person never saw my vagina and it just recently clicked that it is even possible that even though some of his friends had seen it, he may have been just talking out of his ass in general because of our mutual hate.

Anyway, what he said about my vagina was very close to what Spencer Pratt said about LC's...... (takes a minute for the article to come fully up) and it scarred me emotionally for years.  Because I was so embarrassed.  I felt like a freak.  I felt like I was heinous, a disfigured monster. I contemplated getting plastic surgery on my lady friend because I started to hate it so much!

Because of this comment, I became incredibly self conscious of my body and my vagina in particular.  Even more so than I was before the comment which was already like a 9 out of 10.  I was now a 20 out of 10.  I wouldn't have sex with any lights on, I wouldn't do it sober.  I know that I am not the only lady who has been mocked for her biscuit, it is really not cool....BUT, BUT, I am not perfect.  I have not always been super respectful of the male anatomy either, every body is different, it is a lesson I have learned.  Every person is beautiful in their own way.  Don't go hating on the bodies of the world, ALL bodies are GORGEOUS and UNIQUE.  No two are the same.

The truth is this, I do not have a porn style looking vagina.  It is still stunning though.  It is special and it is mine.  Actually, many men have complimented it, so who knows what men really want anyway.....I think porn gives them too much power because most real women do not look that way and would need multiples surgeries to get that look, but if you do naturally or even because you had surgery (I did on my tummy), your vagina is hot, just like mine.

I am 31 years old and I finally LOVE my cookie.  I really think it is awesome.  I am mad at myself for ever hating it.  It gives me pleasure and hopefully some babies one day.  I finally came to terms with it in the last year when I worked on loving me, ALL of me, and it has been this great peace and relief.  Vagina love. I made myself look in the mirror.  I looked up vaginas on the internet.  I read blogs.

I came to realize that I was NOT the only one with this fear and I was not going to let a man determine how my most sacred part should look because I have no control over how it looks, I only have control over how I feel about it. 

Also, Crush thinks it is awesome, so really who cares what that guy in college said about it anyway.

Go fuck yourself BA and also, you will NEVER EVER EVER get to see the most stunning vagina in the world...aka MINE!

Crush Gush

I don't want to turn into one of those annoying girls who is obsessed with her boyfriend.  Yuck.  I am always so judgmental of those types of chicks, mostly because I am often the lady with no man.  But, well, but, I am super duper in love with my guy these days and I am feeling like it is the kind of love that won't change.  I could be wrong.  I have been cheated on, I have been lied to, I have been insulted.  I am not the best judge of character.  Most of this is because I always wanted love SO badly.  I yearned for someone to share popcorn with at the movies, someone to hold hands with when I walked around town, someone to kiss me sweetly on the forehead before I drifted off to sleep.

I have also played games, gotten drunk to express my feelings, and stayed with people who treated me like shit because I thought I couldn't do any obviously, I wasn't ready for a true gentleman to treat me the way I wanted to be treated because quite frankly, I was immature and totally messed up.

The way I feel about Crush is different.  He makes me feel calm, at peace, beautiful.  The things other men have made me feel bad about: my body, my education, my wanting to stay in, instead of partying every night.....he loves these things about me.  We are just on the very same page.

If it doesn't work out, I will not disappear.  I will let you know what went wrong.  We have awesome communication, but we still fight, we still have things to do and share, we don't even live in the same city yet!  I don't want to rush this train to get the ring.  The ring is not my final goal here.  It was with Awful.  I am actually chill which is a new concept for me.  I just want to get to know this man better and every single day I do, YAY!

So, here comes the gush.  I am not sharing to make anyone feel like I am an annoying bloggy anonymous bitchcake that now has a boyfriend.  I am sharing to give hope!  True love, soul mate love, it does exist!  Do your personal work, make your wish list (and be SUPER specific), and be patient.  I believe in karma, The Secret, and good things happening to good people and those who wait.  One year ago, I was down and out, living with my parents, and cursing my existence.  So much has changed.  Mostly, because I did the emotional and almost impossible work of coming to terms with myself.  I got over myself and it sucked. I was a deeply flawed person in denial.  Who could love me if I couldn't love myself?

Yesterday, Crush sent me the most beautiful email, a modern day love letter if you will....The night before, while we were having a typical before bed chat, we talked about how the last few years and our past relationships made the concept of real love, seem almost impossible.  When you want love so much, sometimes you try to make it appear in places it isn't, like how I did with Awful.  Here is my favorite part of the email:

"All of the women I dated in the past provided great experiences in learning things about others and myself.  I don't regret any of those experiences.  All of those past experiences led me to you and prepared me for you.  I am totally and completely in love with you in a way I have never been in love before.  It's a more complete and relaxed love in which I don't have any doubts or hesitations.  We have more in common than anyone I have ever dated or even anyone I have ever been friends with.  I am surprised and impressed by you every time we talk.  We are on the same wavelength, I admire and love you endlessly."

It is beyond mutual.  I feel the same way about my Crush.

See, the thing about me is this.....I don't really care about stuff that much.  Some people don't even know that about me.  I get most of my clothes from TJ Maxx and Marshalls.  I don't know too much about the "in" purses and designers.  I am classically influenced (preppy!) and not trendy, so I don't care much about what In Style Magazine tells me to buy each and every season because I already have the staples in my closet.  Awful tried to buy my love with gifts.  Yet the only gift I wanted, his heart, he couldn't produce.  I didn't want or need one gift he got me.  They were all silly wastes of money.

Crush lets me in, gives me his words.  He is deep, he is thoughtful, and he is pure in intent.  I would live under a bridge or in a cave with him.  His company is the best gift of all.


Lately, my procrastination has been the worst it has ever been.

My anxiety was running my life for the last year or so and I was a victim to it.  I didn't sleep many nights, I lived in fear of client emails and voicemails, I couldn't set boundaries.  All of a sudden my outlook has changed.

Some of this does has to do with the fact that I am indeed on anxiety medication.  It has been helping as it does.  The butterflies in my tummy are resting and I can go about my day without a tight chest and a clenched jaw, but.....

I feel like I have swung to the opposite side.  The fuck it side.  The none of this is that important right now, I want to go workout, take a nap, and then call my boyfriend.  I am still functioning, don't get me wrong here.  Emails are returned, but that is about it.  I receive 100-200 work related emails a day, so that in itself is a lot to handle.  If I wasn't moving, in terms of my business development, hiring someone to mange my email would be my next step.

I have a few things to finish this week.  They must get done.  All of my half finished and promised things, they must get done by Friday.  This is the goal.  I need to make sure of it because people are depending on me and I hate unreliable people, so I really don't want to become one myself.

Have a great day!!!!!!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Some People

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!  I sure did and I ate too much and today I am going to be back on track....I know, just like every other Monday.  I swear, one of these days it will all stick, it has to.

Yesterday, I had a revelation.  It was a big thing for me, I just have to share.

As I mentioned, I own my own business.  I deal with the public on the daily and sometimes it is is less than fun.  My job gets emotional.  I get yelled at a lot for things that are not at all my fault and sometimes I lose my money and precious time correcting mistakes that are very much out of my control to help people and to most importantly protect my reputation. I do all I can for my clients.

If my clients do not trust me, I cannot help them.  This is just the way it seems to work and I currently have a client that does not trust me at all.

This particular client raised no red flags upon booking.  They seemed nice, kind, respectful, and most of all reasonable.  I accepted them and the challenge of working my tush off for them and all systems have been go...BUT, they micromanage my every move, they offer me unrealistic deadlines, they feel like they own me and quite frankly for the first time in my career, I offered them an opportunity yesterday to walk right out of their contract, no penalty, just because I fear that I will never be able to EVER satisfy them.

Yesterday, they called me to yell at me.  I admit, I made a mistake.  Out of fear, I tried to complete something for them that was unrealistic.  I promised something that I tried my best to deliver, but couldn't because of the holiday.  I am scared of them quite honestly.  Whenever I fear something, that is the only time I cannot tell the truth.  Over the years, I have improved my honesty immensely, but yet, I didn't call them when they sent me a rather rude email on Thanksgiving and tell them "no way!".  I was with my family and wanted to enjoy the day, so I said via email quickly, "I would work on it and it shouldn't be a problem."  And I tried.  I actually canceled my personal plans to bend over backwards for them and I couldn't get it done because I was relying on other people who were enjoying their own holiday, the way I SHOULD have been.

I spoke to them for more than 2 hours yesterday.  I defended my business and my character.  I didn't back down.  I set a more realistic timeline for me, for them, for the reality of the situation.  I didn't cry.  I didn't take blame.  I didn't lie.  Progress.  I got off the phone with them, this very rude and unhappy client that I will NEVER satisfy and I thought to myself, " I will do the BEST I can as I always do, but this is NOT my problem.  This is them.  This is insanity.  Separate the reality and the situation and move on."

And I have.  There are simply "some people" in this world and I do not consider myself one of them....I am different, I have taken the time to learn who I am.  I would never call someone up and be hateful, spiteful, and mean to exercise power.  I can't change the way people are, I can only help them the best way I know how.  I no longer let other people ruin my day when the people in question do not know how to act respectfully.  This is MAJOR progress for me.  In the past, I would let the behavior and energy of other people dictate my feelings about myself and I simply will not do it anymore.  I have learned to judge each and every situation I encounter separately.  It is a peace I have never had before.  I have learned to quiet my worst critic, my own self.  RELIEF!

Have a great day!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Tday and Things I am Thankful for This Year

Happy Tday all!  I love Thanksgiving because I love family, pie, and wine, but I am not actually a fan of turkey.  Somewhere across the country, Crush gets to eat fried chicken at his Thanksgiving table, so lucky he is!  One day, I hope to be there with a drumstick hanging out of my own mouth!  Yum!

This year has been one of the best and worst of my life.  Bittersweet in every sense of the word.  I hit my lowest lows, but now, that light at the end of the tunnel I have mentioned, I can actually see it!  It will all be okay, I just know it.  I think I have found the peace and love I was always seeking in myself.  I know I have the skill set to find my way out of darkness.  This is a huge revelation for me.

I am not perfect.  I am still struggling with the eating each and every day.  This is my real demon.  My food issues are at the core of who I really am.  I am still so all or nothing.  I don't want to deceive you, I am doing okay because I am finally acknowledging it, but I am addicted to food, more specifically the comfort food brings and I eat mindlessly on a daily basis.  My recent acceptance of my situation is huge for me.  The first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging it.  I have a problem.  I love eating alone, in the comfort of my bed, without judgement, where calories don't count.  It is not glamorous or fun.  It is an addiction I realize and my goal for 2013 is to overcome it, one day at a time, one bite at a time.

Here is what I am thankful for this year:

1.  I am thankful that I have a family that loves and supports me.  They took me in when I needed to come home, when I had left my job to create my own business.  They have been my safety net this year, my comfort.

2.  I am thankful for my best friends.  I believe in quality, not quantity.  I have a few VERY best friends and they are my soul sisters.  We have all been through a lot.  New love, new life, fatal tragedies, and great accomplishments and milestones.  I am blessed that my friends love me enough to support me through all of my ups and downs.  Through my tears, my selfish ways, my jealousy, my depression, my want of something that seemed so impossible at the time.  I think they know that at the very root of my soul, I would do do ANYTHING for them, ANYTHING!  I would literally stand in front of a moving bus for them to protect them, I love them all so much.  Real friends, the kind you can sob to at 2:30 am, there is no price you can put on the value of them.  I am very blessed for the people I have in my life.

3.  I am thankful that I took a risk to pursue a dream of mine.  I own my own business.  I am doing well.  The only negatives are self inflicted.  My procrastination is my greatest weakness.  I am great at my job and even though it can be emotional, annoying, drama filled, and insanely petty, I love it and I love the role I get to play.  One day I will tell you all it!  My goal for this Tday is to wrap up all unfinished business by Sunday of this week.  I am going to do it!  I feel the wave of motivation cresting inside of me and I am excited!

4.  I am thankful that my sister and I are so close.  Perhaps this should be under point number 1, but I am going to give her, her very own place on the list.  We were super close as little ones all the way through high school.  Then, things fell apart.  She struggled when I was doing well and vice-versa.  7 years we just weren't on the same page.  Living in the same city as your sibling and not being close like you should be, there is nothing quite like that emptiness.  Having your sister close in location, but not close in your heart.  My sister followed her heart and found the perfect life for her.  She is happy and I am happy for her.  We are the closest we ever have been.  I also wrote my brother-in-law a letter and we are in the process of patching up our issues, he doesn't like to share my sister, that has a lot to do with our personal problems.  Sissy and bro-in-law are genuinely happy for me and are super excited about Crush.  They will meet him soon, he is going to come visit when my sister has her baby (in 3 months), we are all so looking forward to it!

5.  I am thankful for Crush.  Well, of course I am!  You all knew that was coming....I gush about him on the regular, but I do truly believe he is my soulmate.  I did a lot of hard and deep emotional work before I was ready for him and now, well, this has been the easiest and most fulfilling relationship I have ever had with a man.  He is quickly becoming one of my best friends, that is what love is all about.

6.  I am thankful for being able to reconnect with many of my old hobbies that make me happy: reading books, long walks, bike rides with my dad, spinning classes, early nights to bed, chatting with my friends on the phone or seeing the local ones for a lunch or dinner.  I miss acting and comedy and do plan to get back to that soon, too, when time allows.

7.  I am thankful that I acknowledged that I have a problem with alcohol.  I do not consider myself an alcoholic.  I just know that my judgement, productivity, depression, and personality are not positively affected by alcohol, so I avoid it most of the time.  I have a few safe people that I like to indulge with, other than them, it is best for me to enjoy some drinks, but not get drunk.

8.  I am thankful that I have started to really love my body.  All of my body.  I am a woman.  A real woman.  I have flaws and I have beautiful curves.   Fuck (sorry Crush, this is the right time for a cuss) all the men that made me feel like my stomach was not flat enough, my stretch marks were something to be questioned, my vagina was ugly because it doesn't look like a mainstream porn star's...FUCK THEM ALL!  I am beautiful.  I am special.  I am ME.  My body functions.  It wakes up, it makes it through 40 mile bike rides, it feels, it gives and receives pleasure, it rests peacefully.  I used to look in the mirror and sob.  I would see my thighs, my cellulite, my "flaws".  I now look and smile.  I am not perfect, I am just a person, but I am a really cute person at that!

9.  I am thankful that I am brave.  I am a late bloomer, but I have a real sense of self.  I have integrity.  I knew Awful wasn't right for me and I found the strength to walk away from a very difficult situation.  I learned once and for all, that I cannot change a man.  It was a lesson I always knew, but couldn't truly grasp.

10.  I am thankful that I am not afraid to be me.  I like preppy clothes.  I like red lipstick.  I like a perfume that I have worn since I was 11.  I like angry girl rock and show tunes.  I like really bad shows on Oxygen, like The Bad Girls Club.  I am me.  A big thing for me this year was that I deactivated my Facebook profile.  I may never get back on.  It was giving me terrible anxiety because I felt so embarrassed....all of my "friends" had it all: the handsome husband, the beautiful babies, the new cars, the big houses, the exotic vacations....AND, well, I was living at home with my parents, feeling jealous, feeling ugly, feeling like a total loser....!  I knew I was being judged for my hardships.  Not by my real friends, but by my virtual "friends."  I know how people get together and look at other people's Facebook profiles and laugh and judge.  "So and so is such a loser!  Look at her wedding dress, OMG, so ugly!  He got so fat!  I can't believe they named their daughter that!  So and so is now divorced!"  I find it all to be so mean and I am guilty myself of the "Facebook stalk" and the feeling good by comparing myself to others when I am doing better than them.  I have been the mean girl finding great satisfaction is other people's pain and failure.  Karma is a total bitch.  Look at me, I totally fell from grace this year and I had to deal with the pain of knowing that some found great joy and satisfaction in my hardships.  What goes around comes around.  The truth is that I am me, only me, and if I am not mature enough to look at Facebook as a social connecting tool for business and positive life purposes, well then I shouldn't be on it and I'm not.  I don't want to invite negativity into my life, I came too far to allow myself to be the person I never want to be again.

Time for me to come down off of my soapbox!  I wish you all a beautiful, safe, loving, and delicious Tday!  THANK YOU for reading, for commenting, and for offering me daily inspiration! My very best  to you on this wonderful holiday!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Crush is Only Just a Man

Yes, that is right, we got into our first official fight.

Yesterday was a bit emotional for Mister Crush and me.

But, we remedied it and went to bed all made up.

I don't believe in going to bed angry.

Why did we fight you may ask?

Well, as I have shared, Crush and I have been exclusive for about 2 months now.  But, prior to even consummating our relationship, we were emotionally exclusive.  We had discussed not dating other people, seeing if this long distance thing could work, being present in the possibility that this could be sometime extraordinary.

I went to his home state and bought gifts and a new dress and met EVERYONE (like 250 people) important in his life.  I slept over at his home, his parents' home, had coffee with his grandma and siblings.

Here comes the problem...

Yesterday, my Crush tells me in passing that his mom and sister wanted to know if we are exclusive...

And cue record scratch....UMMMMMMMMMMMM WTF?

I don't fly across the country with treats from my city and bottles of champagne for my man when I am seeing other ones?  I WAS SO CONFUSED!

Here is the thing I learned, Crush is from a very formal family.  Awful was from a very formal family.  They appear that they are close with their family because they spend so much time together, but they don't actually discuss their feelings or what is genuinely going on in their lives.

They may ask, "how is that steak?" over the dinner table, but they don't ask "why are you being such a crabby brat today, do you have your period?" which can be mentioned at my family dinner table among other things....come to think of it, being polite at the dinner table isn't a bad thing!

My issue is this, I need Crush to let his family know how he feels for me.  I see it all too much:

Men tell their lady loves all about their feelings for them, but they don't tell their mothers.  

Mama had NO idea about the serious nature of our current relationship and the commitment her son has already promised me.  As things will progress, she may feel like she was left out, she won't believe in the ease of our relationship, and she may think I'm a powerful, manipulative, man stealing wench.  My sister is still repairing her relationship with her mother- in-law, because my bro-in-law basically proposed to my sissy without telling his parents.  Charming, I know.

Think about the daughter-in-law, mother-in-law relationship.  It is typically not the best.  I figured it out!!!!!  It's because mama feels left out!

So, I told Crush that pretty much his lack of openness was going to create a strained relationship between his mom and me.  He is the oldest after all and a real textbook definition of a mama's boy.  Which I actually love.  If I man loves his mama right,  he will be a great husband and dad.  I am happy to report that Crush did the right thing, he sent an email to his family letting them know how serious we are, that we are in love, and that he believes we will marry one day.

This my friends, this is the right kind of man for me.  He listens, he reacts, AND he responds.  He heard me and he thought through it and he did right by me.  I need to work on being a boss and making people do what I feel they should, but this one, this I believe in.

I was right on this one because this peace will benefit ALL of us.  I want our relationship to be as easy as possible and making family feel included is the best way to have lots of fans!

Thank you, Crush!

I love you even a bit more today, than I did yesterday!

Monday, November 19, 2012

3 Great Drug Store Finds!

Happy Monday!  I am enjoying a very sunny day in my pretty city....just waiting for the winter to really set in.  I am just about to take a bike ride with my dad, because yes, my friends do mostly consist of people who qualify for social security.....

I am an old soul and my best friends are busy tending and making babies, so I make do with my social situation.  BTW, when my dad is great company (and not a moody inflexible curmudgeon who has the same reasoning as Larry David which happens sometimes, too) he reminds me of Crush, not in a creepy way, just that they are both pretty awesome guys who are tender with good hearts.

Blah blah blah, back to the products!

I believe in high and low.  Get a dress from TJ Maxx, but pair it with an incredible pair of shoes.  It's kinda like sweet and salty.  Everything awesome is awesome because it's a bit out of the box.

That's how I feel about my beauty routine if you haven't noticed....use the super duper pricey Clarisonic with the $5.00 face wash....balance is the key to EVERYTHING in life I have slowly found.

I am a product adventurer.  No better happiness is found than when I get my hands on something I have never used before and it actually is awesome.  Double bonus points and rainbows if it is not expensive.

1.  Oil of Olay Regenerist Advanced Anti Aging Detoxifying   Pore Scrub: (I dare you to say it 3 times fast....what a LONG name!!!!):

I love me a little exfoliation, but standard exfoliates are often harsh on my skin and leave me with red and ruddy cheeks.  Enter this little gem.  I use this every other day or so in the morning to look fresh faced.  As I get older, my skin can handle a lot less harassment (picking pimples leads to scars...BAH!), so you may be able to use this every day, it's quite gentle.  I like to use my Basis face wash first and then "polish" with this.

Little secret?  When I use this, I actually cleanse with my fingers for the face wash step with the Basis and then follow up with this on the Clarisonic.  Angels sing my face looks so smooth.  Try it.  You're welcome!

2.  Not Your Mothers Clean Freak Refreshing Dry Shampoo:

Dry shampoo has changed my life.  I can actually not wash my hair everyday now that I found it.  This as well as a few other holy grail hair products I have found (WHICH I WILL SHARE IN A POST COMING SOON) have allowed me to seriously have pretty great locks without spending hours taming them.

Years ago, when I was in college, I used to spend 3.5 hours a day blowdrying and flat ironing my hair.  My dear friend, the super smart one who also made me go see the clairvoyant, had the good sense to encourage me to embrace my wavy hair as "what was the point in straightening your hair if it only gets wavy when you go outside in the humidity?"  And duh.  Sometimes I don't get the obvious.  Wavy hair is sexy hair anyway.  So back to the dry shampoo....

Well, dry shampoo can be expensive.  Before it really trended, it was ONLY $25.00 and could be found at Sephora when it wasn't sold out and I still bought it because if you haven't tried it, you will see, you get volume for days and washing hair is annoying and time consuming and boring.....this little prize also smells dreamy, like coconut and vanilla, and works as well or even better than the brands that cost 4 times as much.

I had never heard of this brand, Not Your Mothers, but one Friday night when I was hanging out with one of my best friends who happens to be 17 and I used to nanny for when I was in high school....yes, I am a person who hangs out with 17 year olds and 64 year olds and no one actually born in their own birth decade......we went to Target after eating Chipotle and bought a bunch of toiletries.  This was one of my purchases and I haven't been without it since.

Here is how I use it:

1.  Spray roots UNDERNEATH front layers of hair (I get super greasy here) and then a few inches down from my part.

2.  Let sit for 1-2 minutes and imagine how hot I will look with white hair (the shampoo sprays on white).

3.  Blast the powered wig (my hair) with a blowdryer for 2 minutes or so, working the powder in with a brush, comb, or your fingers.

4.  Restyle with my curling iron for 3 minutes.

5.  Leave the bathroom.

3.  Colgate Optic White Toothpaste

I still wear my retainer.  I got my braces off when I was 12.  Once, in college, I was a victim of crime (along with a few other of my friends).  The crazy girl we were friends with (she disappeared between sophomore and junior year and was recently met up with by smarty best friend (yes, the one who encourages clairvoyants and wavy hair) and smarty went to meet her for coffee and reported that "she still seemed kinda off and they didn't have much to chat about"....I was selfishly relieved....this loon was a whole breed of whack) got her car broken into and several of us had stuff in there.  I lost many things (books, homework, makeup), but the real violation set in when I realized that my purple sparkle retainer was missing.  I mean, Sparkles and me endured so much, late night drunk Cheetos, bar and bat's NOT FAIR!!!!!  WHAAAAAAH!

So yes, I am into my teeth.  I floss, too.  I try to keep them white and bright and now that I don't smoke or drink 14 diet colas (or Diet Dr. Peppers specifically) a day, it has been a bit easier.

This toothpaste is wonderful.  I swear it works.  My teeth haven't looked so pearly since Clinton was president.  It is a total steal.  I use an electronic toothbrush for maximum cleaning power.  I like the ones you can throw out if you are too lazy to put more batteries in them.

When I was last with Crush, I was using my Clarisonic while I used my electronic tooth brush and he said "look at you, you have such great personal hygiene, but you rely a lot on machines...."  I mean, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So true,  because I'm LAAAAAAZZZZZZY!

Have a great day all!

Daily Goal

I just woke up and it is early here.  My eating these last few days has been okay.   I have tracked 90 percent, but I have been way over calories each day.  The weather here has been oddly warm and nice, so I have been riding my bike, which is pretty much one of my most favorite things to do.  I went on a 40 mile bike ride yesterday, so the scale will probably be the same this morning, even though I ate way too many mindless snacks before bed.

So, here is the deal.  I am going for baby steps.  My goal today is to simply track everything and exercise.  That's all.  I can do it.  One day at a time.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Escape and Excuse

Many years ago, I used alcohol to escape from my reality.  I never feigned for a drink.  I really didn't.  I don't like the taste of alcohol.  I barely tolerate it.  Now, I drink only vodka and wine.  I can't handle any dark liquor, even though Captain Morgan and Crown Royal used to leave a mighty dent in my memory.....

From the moment I first got drunk when I was 15 or so, I viewed drinking as a mini vacation.  Alcohol allowed me to say what I couldn't, do what I couldn't, to not have to take responsibility for my actions.  Drinking gave me an escape from my insecurities.  When I was drunk, I felt pretty, I felt sexy, I felt popular.  I could flirt, I could make out, I could tell someone what I really thought about them.  And when I went too far....well, I had a beautiful excuse, "sorry, I was wasted."

As the years went by and high school turned into college, my drinking became a daily occurrence.  I do think I lived my college years right.... I acted wild, I put myself in major danger, I experienced some unbelievably terrifying situations, but, well, I got a lot out of my system.  I dodged many bullets and I had some of the best times of my life.  But, I still have total regrets about my drinking in college.  Because of it, other than the few best friends I made there, I know my drinking and my insecurities, kept me from developing any other long lasting relationships.  Alcohol was the additional company lurking in my shadows, peer pressuring me into situations I couldn't handle, or didn't even know I was stepping into.

After college, I remained pretty soaking wet with the booze, but work made it hard for me to get crazy as often as others my age were.  I have always worked in hospitality and I often work opposite the world.  Drinking alone isn't that fun for me, so I dried up a bit.  Yet, all of the men I dated in my 20s, loved alcohol, too.  I thought in a naive sense, that drinking equaled fun, so I wanted a man that drank because that kind of man was fun!  How young I was!  I actually thought a man that goes out to all hours of the night was a better candidate than a man who has hobbies outside of bar stools and beer taps because a drunk couple is a fun couple?!

Awful drank often.  He also drank a lot.  He never got violent and actually held his liquor quite well, but he made impulsive and idiotic decisions when he drank....he would drive and boat drunk and risk our friends lives, he would say moronic things, many of them total lies, and he would disappear for hours.  Mostly, he would lose track of time because he had a total processing problem and planning fallacy, but he felt that drinking gave him an excuse.  "Get off my back, I was drunk!!!!!!!"  I don't miss laying in bed waiting for him to come home, nervous that something bad happened.....because often something bad DID ACTUALLY happen: scooter accidents, car accidents, boat accidents, lost wallets, lost phones, you name it.

Crush doesn't drink.  Well, he drinks as much as I do, which really is very little.  I hold a glass of wine or a beer when I am out at a social event.  I enjoy a stiff martini with a juicy steak, or a robust red with some hearty pasta.  I toast with champagne and I cool off with a beer (if it is a craft beer), but drinking is not a real part of my life anymore.  It is simply an extra, not an everything.  Crush and I have never gotten drunk together and even though I know he will eventually see me over-served and perhaps have to hold my hair back while I puke as lately I can't handle my booze at all, it will be something that is unplanned, the night will simply and truly get away from me.  I really only love to drink with my best girlfriends without men around, as that reminds me of years ago and some of the silliest memories ever.  When us gals do get away without the significant others, madness can occur, but it is rare.  My hangovers last too long to make any drunk nights really worth it anymore and I see my besties so rarely, I crave their sober company more than anything.

Until Crush and I consummated our relationship, I had never had sex with a boyfriend for the first time sober.  This is not something I am proud of.  I was so self conscious of my body and of my vagina (something I have gotten totally over as WTF, vaginas come in ALL shapes and sizes and this is really too much), so I drank to get faux confidence and then I kept the lights off and acted like my version of a sexy seductress and I gave so very much and I never took a thing.  I wanted to be revered, but I didn't believe in myself enough to do it sober, only in pitch black darkness, I didn't know how to own my curves and all of my gifts.  I was faking it.

Crush makes me feel genuine.  This is simply the best way to describe it.  When I am with him, I am present.  I am really tuned in.  I am sober because I want to remember it all, I don't want to miss a single second.  I want to recall these first meetings in sharp detail and not in fuzzy flashbacks that sneak up on me and make me feel guilty.

Last night, I attended a party for a client of mine.  It was so nice of them to invite me.  Since, I am leaving, I am making an effort to attend most everything I am invited to.  I like to opt out of social events most of the time, but I am going to go places proudly and savor my last months in the city I spent my entire 20s in.  I want to really live the last chapter before I depart.  No regrets.

The client party was at a very trendy club and all the beautiful drunk insecure people were there.  There they were swaying to the music in their club clothes (mini skirts, high heels, breasts and crotches exposed....tight trousers, half buttoned shirts, shiny loafers) drinking overpriced vodka and looking over shoulders for the next best thing.  There I was, just a few years ago....a person that was so empty, a Friday night on the town could temporarily fill me just like the tequila and wine I would consume in excess.

After a few hours, I saw the ladies' eyes glass over, I saw them start to stagger and slur, I saw the followers in the dresses just a size or 2 too small, leave reality for a moment, escape from the madness of bottle service and champagne sparklers and men judging them based on only exteriors.  I saw them all escape.  I saw them kick their shoes off and stumble into strangers.  I saw them lean in for sloppy kisses from men that they wouldn't be able to identify in a police lineup if they ever needed to.  I saw my past. I know these feelings all too well.  The "there must be more than this....., but this will have to do for now......let me just make it until 1:30 am, so I don't look like a party pooper for leaving too early....."

I now own my reality.  Of course, I still screw up (I wanted to say "fuck up", but I am working on my "cussing" as Crush HATES it and thinks it is totally unladylike, which it is!), I am just a person.  I just don't drink because I really don't need to escape anymore.  I own my actions and I don't need Jim Beam excuses....

They are empty anyway.

Friday, November 16, 2012


I have to admit know I am nothing if I am not honest.  I don't believe in ultimatums.  Yet, well, my relationship with Awful was one giant ultimatum.  The definition of an ultimatum is:

1. A final statement of terms made by one party to another.

2. A statement, especially in diplomatic negotiations, that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted.

Awful promised me something from day 1 and didn't come through.  In return, I made sure he knew that if he didn't do what he promised he would, I would leave him.  It was this terrible push and pull.  A cold war, really.  In the end, he didn't come through and I didn't stay.  One giant 2.5 year ultimatum gone wrong.  The things I learned....they are priceless.

I am not a saint.  I have lived and I have learned.  I have made so many mistakes, but I always find the lesson in any situation.  I am reflective and deep this way.

What I want to express with this post is that any person that is really right for you, shouldn't need an ultimatum to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  I do believe in subtle tricks when it comes to training a man, but this pertains more to helping him learn that boxers and socks go into the hamper and to put the milk away after he pours it onto his morning cereal.  The little things can be fixed, NOT the big things.  YOU CAN'T CHANGE A MAN!  Morals and values are here to stay.

Even if your vagina is made of diamonds, it will not be strong enough to make a man do something he doesn't want to do.  Sorry, the truth does hurt.  I lived this rejection and it sucked.

As I reach a real crossroads in my life, personally and professionally, what I can share is this, if a man loves you enough, he will go to the ends of the earth for you.  You will not have to tell him what to do when it comes to the big things, he will know what needs to be done.  Allow him to do it on his own time, if it is within reason.  Let things marinate, set your own dates in your mind, but hold your cards close.  No one likes to be told what to do.  We all turn into 2 year olds when forced to do something, even if it was something we were already going to do!

I bring this up, because I plan to move to another city, pretty far away, in less than10 months.  And, I plan to go regardless if I have an engagement ring or not.  This fact is killing my mom a bit.  She is a loud mouth who always fears the worst, so she likes to lock things down before they even happen.  She has this terrible habit of not letting things naturally progress and I used to live my life like this, making people do things they don't want to do out of fear.  Perhaps, the fear that I am not good enough to get what I want.  These ultimatums are really insecurities, they manifest into so much more than just forceful promises.  In many ways, I believe they give a person doubt about you.  "Let me blindside you into loving me, because you could actually do better."  It sends the wrong message.

Sorry mom, but lately I have allowed myself to just enjoy the moment.  When I move, I will not live with Crush.  We have already discussed this.  I learned my lesson with cohabitation.  It works for many, it just didn't work for me. I have given myself to someone so fully and completely and when it was time to go, I had to leave, it was his home.  I will not do this to myself again.  I know it will be okay with us, but even if is isn't, I love the city I am moving to and I  believe I am supposed to go there, regardless of him, it's the only place I want to be.  It simply feels just like coming home.

I have this feeling of peace, of contentment, I'm satisfied.  I can't wait to see what the future has in store.  I am just going to roll with it a bit and enjoy the moment.

No ultimatums.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


This past year, I have made a conscious effort to eat better.  Of course I am still binging.  But, I have decided to eat more naturally.  Real cream, real sugar, real eggs, real soda, real satisfaction.

This was the way I was raised.  I love fruits and veggies.  I feel satisfied when I eat whole foods, but I don't always eat like this.  I want to, but old habits die hard.  Splenda is always around and the yellow packers are so enticing, fro yo stores are abundant, Diet Coke at restaurants sometimes tastes so yummy and refreshing.

So, let me tell you what I have been enjoying lately and in return, I have been binging a ton less, even though this week doesn't truly reflect that....

1. Real Coke.  LOVE me regular Coke.  Nothing beats it.  1 a day.  I would rather have it than any sweet.  1.  I have been drinking a ton of soda water with lemon and lime because I don't always love water, but water with bubbles is fun.  I have my coffee, my 1 Coke, and then tons of soda water.  I have been peeing up a storm.

2.  Real ice cream.  I like me the real stuff.  I was a huge fan of frozen yogurt and then all of a sudden I realized, "why am I eating tastes like chemicals....oh yeah, it's because I don't feel guilty for covering it in candy because I mean, it's YOGURT!"  Yes, I fell into this trap.  I covered chemically tasting yogurt with Snickers, cookie dough, donuts, and hot fudge.  So, I basically would eat 1,000 calories of chemicals and candy when I could have, in theory, enjoyed a huge bowl of REAL ice cream which I love and don't need to cover in candy.  Think about it.  Real ice cream also doesn't have chemicals in it.

3.  Real sugar.  I guess this falls into the real soda category, perhaps, but real sugar has 15 or so calories per teaspoon, so it's really not that big of a deal.  Lately, I have been having my morning coffee with 3 teaspoons of sugar (1 tablespoon, 45 calories) and 2 tablespoons of half and half (40 calories).  It is the best 85 calories I have ALL day and it is so much more satisfying that Splenda and skim milk (gag!).

4.  Real potato chips.  I love the individual bags of Lays potato chips. I can't keep family size bags around the house and I will say baked chips are not fun.  They are okay, but they don't pack the greasy crunch I need.  One of these bags is good for me, if I pair it with some protein (like a turkey sandwich) and a real Coke (1), and then I am TOTALLY satisfied.

5.  Real butter.  I used to be so guilty of spraying the shit out of innocent veggies, bread products, and popcorn with fake butter spray. Hell, the truth hurts.  I used to spray that crap directly into my mouth in my moments of great's FULL of chemicals and actually not that good for you.  I just use real butter now, it's not that big of a deal and it's perhaps the most delicious invention EVER.

I started getting this fear lately that fake sugar and chemicals may give me kids with 5 eyes and just a few years ago, I drank 6+ cans of diet soda a day and sprayed my toast with fake butter spray and then sprinkled it with Splenda (Weightwatchers cinnamon toast!), so it is time to cut the chemicals and not grow a tail from all the preservatives.

Eating Update

So, hmmmmm, it has been terrible around here.  Not good, BAD.  But, I am okay with this.  I am awful with transition.  I realize this.  I know what I am doing, so that is actually a step for me.  The brain/hunger connection is actually working.  Whether I decide to listen, well, that is another story.

Today, after my 11:00 am bowl of ice cream, I thought, WTF are you doing?  Seriously!?  Yes, I started new birth control and I have had my period for 1 week, yes, I am tired and overwhelmed from my trip and the fact that I plan to move away from the state I have called off and on for the better part of 20 years home, yes, I have a sore throat and want to put things in my mouth to make me feel's all true.

But, but, well, I am better than this.  I deserve my prettiest dresses back, my not have to try on 100 outfits to find a good one, to know that all my bikinis will look awesome on the southern shores in due time, I know I can do this.  I want to do this.  I want to do this for me, but also, for the man I love.  Not because he gives one shit about any part of my body other than my heart and mind (this is true, he has told me this), but because I want to live a long time for him and our future babies and I have to get healthy now and incorporate great habits now, when I have time to be selfish, so it is the time NOW!

Today, I got on Lose It and started a new account.  I put in my goals and get this, I will get there on my 32nd birthday if I follow the plan....kismet in my mind, kind of like how my life has been these days.  I plan to do this one day at a time and not get myself all overwhelmed.  I have gotten everything I have wanted just by believing in myself, I know I can do this, too.  This time it will be for real.

I also have a bunch of other personal and work goals that need to be worked out before I leave here in 10 months.  I have lots to do, but, I can't wait!  I am putting a big bow on my experience in this city and more than anything on my 20's!  The last year I was really living in a personal self-improvement bubble, so it doesn't exactly count.  I had to come home again to get the support I needed.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  I learned this and I will continue to remember it.

Sweet dreams!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

3 Beauty Products I Am Loving Now

I am going to start sharing more about my love of beauty products as I feel you readers like it and I have almost no money in savings because I spend it all at Sephora....

1.  Smashbox Naked Palette 1 (<------ CLICK!):

BEST eyeshadow palette of ALL time.  Make sure you get the 1, I do believe it is the best edition. This is ALL I currently use.  In a former life, I collected eyeshadow like I currently collect red lipstick.  This palette is a bit shimmery, but not cheesy shimmery. I use all the colors for both day and night, the shiny darkest colors are perfect for formal events, it is really a one stop shop and lasts forever.  Constant compliments.  The brush and eyeshadow primer that come with the kit are also AWESOME.  And if I haven't sold you on it yet, the shape of the palette is really easy to transport and travel with.  HIGHLY recommended.  This is all I take when I visit Crush, even if we have to meet his ENTIRE family at a fancy party, so instead of lugging a million eyeshadow pots, get this.

2.  Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain (<------ CLICK!):

I love this stuff!  I am always looking for a long lasting, hydrating, not gloss option for my lips.  As I get older, I prefer more matte to gloss on my lips.  Too much sticky shine makes me feel like I look like a cougar. I always wanted lip stain to work for me, but it would seep into my lips and only stick to certain parts, so I would look like a crusty clown mouth, or perhaps a spotted snake lip.  Not cute.  This product is the cross between a stain and a chapstick (hence the name) and it really is quite FANTASTIC!  I know it will be discontinued soon, that is what Revlon ALWAYS does when I like something.... I like the shade Sweetheart Valentine.  It is the perfect soft pink, but beware, several coats can turn quickly into "Grandma in Florida" territory.  Applied lightly, you can get that soft movie star matte lip, like Rachel McAdams had in the Notebook. Also, it is kinda minty which is good because I get paranoid all the time that I have bad breath (I am sure I do often) and since this goes on the lips, let's pray that it can help my bad breath from being so noticeable.

3.  Amazing Concealer (<------- CLICK!):

YOU MUST BUY THIS!  Yes, it is expensive, but the tube lasts FOREVER!  Seriously, 6 months at least.  This is magic.  It covers everything: eye bags, pimples, scars from the pimples I picked, redness around my nose that won't go away.  A little goes a long way.   A dot is all you need.  As in all face stuff, I highly recommend you actually go to the store to find your shade.  I have found that not all Sephora stores carry this IN the actual store, so check out Ulta 3, too, they seem to typically have it in their stores, so you can test.  The shades are not true to swatch online.

Get your pretty on and I will share more soon!

Fairy Tale & I'm Back (and you may think I am even crazier after this post and this post is VERY long!)


I am back from meeting Crush's family.

It was.....

Better than expected and then even better than that!

There is so much to tell.

I have been waiting to share a really amazing story with you all and it is now time to let you in.  It involves a little bit of magic, so I understand if you don't believe, I am not sure if I would either.  Here goes, no judgement please, I never claimed to be totally sane.......

One year ago, I walked out of my life with Awful.  I moved out on a whim, but it was a decision that I had been rolling around in my mind for more than a year.  I went home to my parents' home.  At 30.  I only took my clothes.  I cried a lot and I ate pints of ice cream and wailed "WHY!!!!!" and "NOOOOOOO!"  between bites of cheese while laying with my parents in their bed.  It was not a good look for anyone.

Then, day by day, the pain lessened.  Awful was ALL wrong for me.  I knew this, he knew this, but being alone isn't fun when you don't want to be.  I tried to move on.  I got almost to the moving on "finish line" and then I didn't.  I would text Awful back, answer his emails, listen to his voicemails.  I was almost over him, but he was still there, still this toxic black cloud ruining my potential.

A very very very very very special person in my life encouraged me to see a clairvoyant (STOP JUDGING!!!!), she just had a feeling and I always trust her feelings.  I played around with the idea and resisted as I sometimes do when she suggests something that I know is right.  I become a 2 year old all too often.  Finally, I went to see the clairvoyant and she told me things that have gotten me right where I am now: my husband is looking for me, he doesn't live in my city, I will move in a few years, he will be my soulmate.  My deceased grandfather came to the reading (I TOLD YOU, NOT EVERYONE BELIEVES!) and I seriously felt him there.  He told the clairvoyant that I needed to make my list in what I was looking for.  He would help me find my husband, he just didn't know what I was looking for.  My mom, my sister, and the very special person mentioned above all told me to make a list prior to grandpa spirit also letting me in and I couldn't do the end of June I finally did.  I made my list.  Crush is everything I wished for, EVERYTHING!  He isn't perfect (HE IS A SLOB!!!!!), I didn't say neat and tidy on my list, so shame on me....but, seriously, I wouldn't trade him for anything, even if it means picking up the trail of dirty socks and boxers that seem to follow him.  The list worked.  I stopped talking to Awful officially in July.  We haven't had any contact whatsoever and I blocked his phone number and email.  I needed to lock that door, so Crush could find me. Crush and I really officially connected in August.  One doors NEEDS to close fully before another one can open. Trust me here.

I finally made the list on a vacation with another very very very special person (I have a few BEST friends in my life that I am BEYOND grateful for) and on one of the last nights of the trip, bff and I went down to the beach and sent our wishes out to sea.  She herself suffered a tremendous loss this year that makes mine look minor, so it was a beautiful moment that we shared.  We stood on the beach in the moonlight and gave our lives to something bigger than just us.  Even if nothing came out of it, having hope (even if you don't even believe in religion...I do, but I know some don't), it is hope that will pull you through the darkest days.  After I sent my list to sea, I felt a sense of calm, but truly, I wasn't expecting anything!

Crush and I connected soon after this.  We have had an instant connection.  The list of coincidences have rounded 200.  We plan to write a book together.  We may be the only 2 readers, well I bet our parents will skim to make us feel like they care...!  When we are together, something feels so right.  We see signs all the time, we really observe the world around us, I feel so tuned in, so present.  But, don't mistake it.  Love will never be perfect.  I have flaws and so does he.  Just this time, the flaws are part of the person, not what defines them.

I saw many things on my trip to see Crush's state and met his ENTIRE family!  I loved every second of it.  Crush told me a lot and let me figure out tons for myself, too.  We are the same religion and very similar, but his family is from a different class than mine.  No big deal, it's just the way it is.  He didn't tell me anything about this in detail and I am glad he didn't.  Awful used his parents' money to define him, to make him cool, to coerce people to like him.  Awful kept his cards close and I really felt like I was a fairy tale princess.....he showed me so much and it may take a little getting used to, but it feels like home, too.  Money is just money.  It doesn't bring anything positive if it isn't treated with respect.  I learned this lesson hard and fast with Awful. Material possessions do not fill empty hearts.  I would live with Crush in a cardboard box.

On the last night of the trip, Crush took me to his family beach house.  We went there the first night, too.  Every time I get stressed out or full of anxiety, I always close my eyes and imagine a beach.  Up until now, I always thought the beach was from the beach I LOVE to go to that I mentioned above, where I sent my message in a bottle in June....they look alike, but, the beach in my mind has really been the one that Crush goes to.  The house, the rocking chairs on the porch, the beach all looked so familiar, I had such a reaction, I walked in the house and started sobbing the first night I was there.  The good news is that Crush is open to all of this, too, now that he has met me, because he can't ignore all of the signs, so he wasn't scared when I act like some kind of voodoo woman and cry.

On the last night of the trip, the weather turned a bit balmy and still.  It was really the perfect southern night.  We went down to the beach and walked a bit as the first night of our trip at the beach, the tide was high and it was cold.  We were the only ones there and it isn't really beach season and the night felt magical, like I knew that something could happen.  We made love on the beach (SORRY IF IT IS TOO MUCH INFO) and it was really like something I have never experienced.  I have limited experience with relationships (sadly, not with men, just with relationships) and I realize now that I have never been in love, so therefore I have never made it.  After we did it, we put our feet in the water and then danced (we do this TOTALLY nerdy thing where we dance while we talk and he is the BEST dancer and very good at leading, so I follow along and all of a sudden.....I'm dancing!) and talked about love and life and hope and then we saw this bright light (I AM ALMOST DONE WITH THIS NOVEL, BUT IT TAKES A TURN FOR THE CRAZY HERE!)....

The light looked like what I imagine the light that brings you to heaven could look like.  It appeared under where stars would would be and since it was a hazy night, it was the only bright light in the sky.  We thought at first, it could be a plane or a space ship (well, I said space ship, he didn't agree there).  The light continued to get closer and it was moving almost like a portal, like a mini Milky Way of sorts, and I screamed "Hi Grandpa!" because for some reason, that was just what came to mind and all of a sudden, the light opened up and there were angel wings and then they flew off up into the night sky and it got really still.  Seconds later, 16 different (we counted) lights appeared and we kept screaming out our deceased relatives names and every time we got one right, the light would burst open and wings would appear and fly away.  It was like supernatural Duck Hunt.  AMAZING!

The last light that appeared was super low to the ocean, like Crush started running away and I had to grab him by the back of the pants and calm him down.....we figured out it was his grandmother who just recently passed away and then my grandpa (who the clairvoyant let me know was VERY special and VERY close to god and in heaven, so I should made my darn list and let him help me) light came back and merged together with his grandma's light and made a spot light of sorts on us that looked like a heart.  I swear on all of this crazy.  (Crush just texted me to tell me he didn't sleep a wink last night and he is scared that he is a crazy.....I had to assure him that I saw it ALL too, so we are both crazy and we can be crazy together).

We then said goodbye to them and waved and blew kisses and asked them to watch over us, and our families, and send us the best nieces and nephews from heaven and then they flew back to heaven.  We started collecting our stuff and then grandpa light came back and started flashing really slow.  We started counting the flashes and it came to 18 which is a very significant number in our religion (Crush and I are both Jewish) and then grandpa light finally disappeared.  Both Crush and my family are really big on marrying within our faith and grandpa was so proud of our heritage, I know he was my matchmaker in heaven!!!

So, what happens now?!  Well, I plan to move in September to my Crush's home state and we will plan to start our next chapter then.  Can't wait to share it all with you!

If you made it here, you get a cookie.  Well, I would give you one, if I didn't eat them all last night myself....!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Eating Updates & Issues

Alright.  Not good, still not good.  My hunger monster is out of control.  I also got my monthly gift, so that is perhaps something to be mentioned, but not really an excuse.  I do retain water, but the truth is that I have been eating like absolute shit.  Not good.  Premium ice cream bad.

Today has been a bit better.

I am still exercising whenever I can. 

I do realize that when I do exercise, my eating is a bit better than the days that I don't. I am so ALL or nothing.  I know this and yet, well, I keep making the same silly mistakes.  WHY?  I haven't figured it out yet. 

So, I do have a little something to share.  I am meeting Crush's family soon and I am excited.  This is a necessary step in the entire process.  Family is one of those things.  They just exist and I wouldn't judge someone on their family, but it does play a part.  I didn't really like Awful's family.  I mostly didn't like them because they didn't like me and I could feel it.  I know when I am not wanted.  

I really hope that I am genuinely accepted.  I seem to have this major flaw where I like everyone mostly, I determine how much by how much someone likes me first.  That's why I have always dated the worst people...not because I liked them, really, because they liked me first. Oy. 

Take a Few Years Off with These Easy Tricks

I love beauty products.  In another life, I really do think I should have worked in the industry.  Beauty products give me so much hope.  If I am having a fat day or my jeans don't fit, there is always a bit of optimism in a new shade of red lipstick or a good hair day.  I like looking put together, I am just over taking a million hours to do so.  Effortless beauty is where it is at these days.  I am going to offer you 5 tips to much better and younger looking skin now, like right now.

You see, many many moons ago (beginning when I was 14), I was a smoker.  Like a big time smoker.  I seriously tried my first ciggie at 13 and was pretty much smoking on a semi-regular basis by 14......I had an older sibling that smoked (she no longer does either) and years ago you could legally smoke at 16, so it wasn't so much of a stretch.   By the time I entered college at 18, I was up to a pack a day.  I kicked the habit for real (like I have had 30 (or something not too many) drunk cigarettes since then) at 25 and I haven't looked back.  If smoking didn't kill, smell, or wasn't allowed anywhere, but alleys, I would still smoke.  I kinda love it and it did help reduce my appetite.  I'm being honest.

In addition to the lovely smoking, I was also a sun worshipper.  Not just natural sun, tanning beds, too. I would lie out with NO SPF on and then apply baby oil and get flat on my back on black tar driveways and seriously use tin foil reflectors......I made Snooki look pale.  I loved nothing more than frying myself, while smoking, while ingesting copious amounts of diet soda (6 cans a day or so) am I still around!?

So, for the last 4 or so years, I have been REALLY trying to reverse the irreversible and let me tell you, it has been working!  I also make an effort 90 percent of the time to avoid all artificial sweeteners as I do feel like they give me cellulite and make my skin look very dull.  I knew I was really smitten with Crush when we first had coffee and he used real cream and real sugar in his coffee because that is how I drink it now (I was formally skim milk and Splenda) and I will say since I have been eating real food (no chemicals when possible), I do binge less.  I know, I know, I am not reinventing the wheel here, I am always just looking for the quick fix because I'm impatient like that!

Moving on, 5 products to buy NOW:

1.  Clarisonic (<--Click): 

I know, it is super expensive.  It is.  I have had mine for 2.5 years (thank you Awful!) and it really is the best.  I only use mine on my face and the Mia is totally sufficient and a dream!  I use a delicate brush with mine and do use it twice and day.  Many people I know only use it before bed and that is awesome, too.  I swear, it will change the texture of your skin, reduce wrinkles, and save you a ton of money on cleaners and lotions.  Lotion (in my case oil, which I will get to soon) soaks in so much better and you need tons less, a little really goes a long way.  I got my Clarisonic on eBay new and saved a bit, so check that out if you are interested.

2.  Basis Face Wash (<--Click)

Use it with your Clarisonic.  It is so gentle and the best face wash I have EVER used.  I also love the smell, it's very fresh scented, almost a bit lemony.  I use this at least twice a day and it takes eye makeup off in a second.  Leaves no residue either.  I often only can find it at Ulta (the link I provided).  Buy it!

3.  Neutrogena Age Shield Sunblock for Face SPF 90 (<--Click):

Put it on every every morning, rain or shine.  I wash my face and then put this on before any oil or makeup.  I let it soak in about 10 minutes.  This sunblock, the 90 version, smells good and is very matte, so it almost acts as a primer.  Succumb to the sunblock, you know you need to, SO JUST DO IT!

4.  Argon Oil (<--Click):

One of my best friends in Florida introduced this to me.  IT IS THE BEST!  I use this as my daily daytime moisturizer.  I put it on after my sunblock and then let it soak it a few minutes before foundation.  I do my morning routine while I eat my breakfast and drink coffee because multi-tasking is awesome!  I swear, this is liquid gold.  Josie Maran's is my favorite (the link above), but a really good alternate that is just a bit thinner is Studio 35 (you can find it at some Walgreen's) and you get more for the money anyway and is really the same, so I should stop being such a darn snob!

5.  Vitamin E (<--Click):

My dermatologist tried to sell me hundreds of dollars worth of products and then I asked her what about Vitamin E?  She started laughing and in a low whisper, she said, "it is the best, use it at night, shhhhh." I just let you in on a HUGE (AND CHEAP!) secret.  Run with it!  I tend to enjoy the variety that is 56,000 IU.  It is bit sticky and really hydrating.  If the sticky scares you, go down to a 30,000 IU. You will wake up with a face like a baby's bum.  Well, with a face like a baby's bum that doesn't have any diaper rash.


1.  Morning: Clarisonic, then SPF, then argon oil, then makeup.

2.  Night: Clarisonic, then Vitamin E.

Thank me when you start getting carded again.  I did a few weeks back and I almost french kissed the checkout lady.  She asked me for a second form of ID!  YES!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Not Good

Alright....coming clean.  This week has been terrible eating-wise.  Seriously, the worst week in a long time.  I returned one week ago from a few heavenly days with Crush and since then, I have been a bottomless pit.  Ice cream, pizza, a hot dog, onion rings, peanut butter, pasta, sour cream and onion chips, brownies, cookie, McDonalds, not good in every way.  It's not even that the food is junky, which it is, it's the fact that I don't even want the food.  It's a mindless immediate need to fill this hole, this hunger.  I am not ignoring it this time.  I want to figure this out, I don't want to get swept up in this tidal wave of want again because really, inside, I am actually satisfied.  I had one of the most delicious apples of my life yesterday and I thought to myself, "this apple is really amazing" and then I ate tons of chips afterwards until I almost puked....WHY?

Things I am proud of, I only ate 4 pieces of Halloween candy, that is a plus....but, I did eat half of a bag of chocolate chips...hahahaha.  No, I seriously did.  I should have just had a few more fun size Snickers...weirdo I am.

So, where is this hunger coming from?  It's a really good question and one I am thinking about non-stop.....I think a lot of it has to do with transition as I have mentioned before.  I eat through, quarter-life crisis, new relationships, break-ups, fights with friends.  Food has always soothed me, distracted me, offered me an immediate release.  I am not going to let it win again, I have to beat this!!!!!

I am scared.  I feel so lucky that Crush is in my life.  Pinch me good, really.  He is the BEST.  I am a smitten kitten.  I don't think I have ever been in love before now, it makes me a bit sad, actually.  It's so real, it's scary.  I have an awful way of going about things sometimes.  I think way past the situation at hand.  I daydream past the kisses we will have next week when we see each other again and I obsess about weddings and babies and then I panic and then I eat.  I must stay present.  I must stay in the moment.  I am self-sabotaging.  I am getting myself so wrapped up in a fantasy that I am not enjoying the good fortune.  I can see this, so at least that is progress, right?!  I have this fucked up way of dealing with the opposite sex because I have always been called fat by boys, by men.  I love to be told I am beautiful, but I want the outside to not matter at all.  I'm such a hypocrite.  I know I am. I want to be told I am gorgeous, but I want no one to care about how I look.  Fucked up.

When I am told I am attractive, it triggers me to eat.  Yesterday, the old man at my eye doctor told me I was stunning and then I went to McDonalds.  Today, the lanky college guy at Starbucks gave me a grande instead of a tall because he liked my glasses (I complimented his, too) and then I got fro yo with tons of toppings that tasted like chemicals and I didn't like it and I scraped the bottom on the cup nonetheless.  I don't think I am this sex bomb, I think I look happy because I am in love, so I must be giving off a vibe...but, well, compliments trigger me.  Cray cray, I am.  Oy, I must love myself.  I have worked hard to accept all of me and love every inch...every lump and bump and imperfection and then, well, then, I don't treat myself, my soul, nicely.  I am being so hateful to myself, the person I need to love up 24-7.

In an effort to not regain my weight loss, tomorrow, I am back to tracking, I know it is the way I can be accountable.  I am also going to learn how to just accept a compliment.  The truth is that I love to give a compliment and I mean every single one I give.

It's time for me to be able to accept one.