Sunday, December 30, 2012

BEST FIND EVER Instead Softcup (and yes, for your vagina!)

I am going to share something personal....I know, I know, this isn't a revolutionary thing for me....

Okay, here is the deal.....I seem to always have my period when I see Crush.  Considering all the good luck I have had with him thus far, I will take it.  TMI, but he isn't freaked out by it, he considers it natural and a sign I am fertile (let us hope and pray as I have had baby FEVER lately!).  He will be one of those men who is going to want to do it a lot when I am with child one day.....I have a feeling I may have to get a fence installed in our bed to protect me from being handled...I can see me needed space when I am baking life.  We will cross this bridge when we come to it, but you know, I like to over-analyze everything and then some.

So, yes, where were we, of course, my vagina.

In an effort to eliminate my period this month, I attempted to skip my sugar pills in my birth control set and go right on to the active ones.  I have the kind of birth control that allows for this little trick and I checked in with my doctor before I decided to try my luck.  FAIL.  Instead of not being blessing with my gift this month, I have had my period for 8 days straight since I skipped the sugars and went straight to the actives.  This is no miracle.  IT SUCKS!  I checked back in with the doctor and it does happen sometimes, I guess my vagina just loves to look like a horror film.  Nifty.

I hit the web and started entertaining all options as it's possible that I may bleed all month.  I get to see Crush so rarely that while he doesn't care about being messy, it really creeps me out and washing a mattress pad is really not something I enjoy.  Especially when it isn't my own.  I just want to make love to my man without the sheets turning into a Jackson Pollock.

Here is what I found, Instead Softcup!  A miracle!  It is a menstrual cup that you insert kinda like a tampon and you can keep it in up to 12 hours.  BONUS = you can have sex with it in, NO MESS!

There are pros and cons to this, but I think the pros far outweigh the cons.  Here they are:


1.  You can leave it in up to 12 hours

2.  You can have sex with it in (I will report back to see if this is a success)

3.  I find it less painful than a tampon

4.  There is no odor

5.  No risk of TSS with it in

6.  Great for workouts, long trips, traveling, camping, etc. (took a spin class with it in with no issue)

7.  Found mine at Walgreens for $8.00 for 14.   Online, has 24 for less than $10.00.

PLEASE NOTE: I tried the disposable ones.  They have 2 kinds, one kind that you can use your entire period (you rinse them out, 2 come in a box) and one kind that you use for 12 hours and thrown away (disposable).  I have only tried the disposable, not the reusable, so I cannot speak for the reusable.


1.  You have to be comfy really touching yourself internally to get it in and out (I am really comfy with my friend, so no problem for me, but I know some don't like personally getting intimate with their flower)

2.  There is a learning curve to taking it in and out with no mess

3.  You can't flush it down the toilet like a tampon

So, I will report back to let you know how it holds up under sexual conditions.  I am very open with myself (a best friend refers to me as a "perv" which I greatly appreciate and consider a compliment) and my Crush, so he knows about it and we are going to be conscious of it this week when we reacquaint ourselves.  From the reviews I read, sometimes gents can feel it and sometimes they can't.  Every one is different, so I think this is best explored between 2 people privately.

Also, I have had no accidents or leaks yet with a heavy flow, so I do think if you use it correctly, you shouldn't either.

Email me ( if you have any questions, I promise you it is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

I'm Like a Kid in a Candy Store

Not because I am binging...because I get to see my love in 3 days....WHOOT!  3 days!  I am jumping up and down and my bag is already packed and I am finishing up with my clients and then I am heading down south to visit my Crush!  YAY!

This trip will be long, 9 days, so I do apologize in advance, I will be a bit MIA for a while soaking it all in, but I will be back to report upon my return.  Also, I do plan on posting a bit more before I depart, so I am a bit premature, this excitement is really upping my already OCD tendencies.

I will be posting my list of goals for 2013 this weekend, I have been working on them and they are harder than I thought they would be.  Every time I start, I get emotional and then I eat a snack and then I nap...reminds me of when I tried to make the list for what I was looking for in a man.

I have learned....those difficult lists are the ones that you really need to make!

Other than packing up EVERYTHING I own for my trip, including lots of pjs, books, and my hand mixer (for soup!), I am just relishing in the fact that I am so content these days.  The only present issue other than the weight, is well, it is that my heart is no longer in the city I live in, it is down south with my Crush.

Every single morning, I wake up with a sense of longing and yearning, it is actually quite romantic.   I know how lovers (love the word looooovers) must have felt to be so far from their significant others.  Crush and I are both old souls, so we are enjoying this new, yet old fashioned (talking, but not seeing each other in the flesh) way of dating because we have REALLY gotten to know each other.   For real though, it becomes hard to get anything accomplished other than "taking naps" when we do see each other as we have lots of catching up to do.

This trip in, we actually made an itinerary as there are some things I MUST see and of course, it wouldn't be nice to come in without seeing his family.  I already have some gifts purchased for them, which was harder to decide on than I thought it would be.  Decisions...!

Off to work and not eat and perhaps gym and Happy Holidays to all!

Monday, December 24, 2012

WeightWatchers Week 2

Merry Xmas all!

I hope all is well and you have a wonderful time with family and friends!

As a Jew, I am using this time to catch up on work and eat pickles.  I am so into pickles these days.  I am not preggie, I am just loving pickles, I am turning into Snooki (remember how much she loved pickles even before she was pregnant)...yum, pickles!!!!

So, today was my second WeightWatchers weigh-in.

Positives for the week: I worked out a bunch and it felt great and I tracked everything I ate.

Negatives for the week: I also went out to eat 5 times and indulged too which included a huge apple torte with ice cream and several (seriously) demi baguettes of warm french bread with sweet butter....HEAVEN!

Typical me would have been to simply give up after indulging at a restaurant because of my all or nothing mentality.  But, I held myself accountable and tracked it all,  even though it wasn't pretty. This was a huge step for me as I typically eat tons, binge, gain 30 pounds, and then realize it when my pants don't get past my ankles because denial is my middle name.....I am sick of it, so I am finally making myself accountable, it feels good.

I figured out how to salvage the week and got some extra workouts in to compensate. I ate pretty clean for the majority of my non restaurant meals and slept 8 hours a night.  I had a great loss, 3 pounds!  Very pleased and I am getting some great workouts in this week before I leave for Charleston.

Moral of the story, I didn't play the typical mind games I usually play with myself and give up midweek, I actually tried and I had a good loss.

This isn't easy, but it isn't as hard as I make it.  I like to hide from the truth, but I am sick of doing it, its so exhausting.

I know I am going to get this weight off for real,  I just know it.  My blockage has always been in my mind. It is clicking, finally.

Everyone enjoy and I am going to get some pickles!

Week 1: -1
Week 2: - 3
TOTAL: - 4

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!

Today is a very special day, my mom and dad's 38th wedding anniversary.  They had a VERY short engagement (sometimes, like in mom's case ultimatums and cohabitation actually works out) and a very modest wedding (mom's parents were willing to give them anything they wanted), but 38 years later, they are still married, not bankrupt, and retired, so they must have done something right!

In honor of their love (and fighting, they fight ALL the time, but since living here, I have learned that they were this kind of couple, the kind that loves to fight and make up....), I made a list of why my parents are awesome parents and why I am glad they got married that wintery day nearly 4 decades ago:

1.  My parents are awesome because they really do love each other.  They are honest, they are faithful, and they are honorable.  They value the bond of marriage and taught my sister and me the importance of commitment and respect (when you make up in their case....) that marriage entails.  Even when times got tough, they never gave up.  This is why they are still married.

2.  My parents are awesome because they lived their lives for themselves before children.  I have seen the photos....blackmail material!  They created a great bond before having my older sister, so they were ready for her. My parents waited 4 years after marriage before having babies (my mom's baby fever got so bad that my dad would have to steer her to another restaurant if he happened to see a baby in the one that they were planning to dine at) and their established friendship before children and all the tough stuff that comes with kids is the main reason why I believe they are still a pair.

3.  My parents are awesome because they love children.  My parents wanted my sister and me, always put us first, taught us how to love, gave us countless experiences, memories, and lessons.  My sister and I had a stay at home mom and a dad that came home around 6:00 pm everyday and then spent weekends with us, how lucky were we?  My parents lived for my sister and me since the days we were both born and they still live for us.  They are generous, supportive, kind, and loving beyond belief.  They aren't perfect, but they are not far from it most of the time.

4.  My parents are awesome because they are silly.  They love a good dirty joke (both my parents LOVED the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall), farting, being real about bodily functions, and being natural.  My mom much more than my dad, but through the years, she has rubbed off on him.  We are all people and we all poop.  It is kinda funny when you think about it.

5.  My parents are awesome because they didn't spoil my sister and me.  This isn't who they are.  My dad drives an old car (16 years old and brags about it), but he was able to retire at 62 and has no debt, so props to him.  Yes, spoiled is all relative.  Some may consider me spoiled, but it all depends on where you come from.  Unlike most of the ladies my age where I live, I do not care about what kind of purse I carry, I love to shop discount, and I have no idea about trends.  I love Talbots.  Preppy never goes out of style.  My mom has the BEST taste.  She can go into a TJ Maxx and come out victorious, she believes in a few nice things and so do I.

6.  My parents are awesome because they are charitable.  They give to the poor.  They help people in need.  They support organizations they believe in.  They give family and family friends money when they need it.

7.  My parents are awesome because they own their reality and don't care about what other people think.  They are authentic and true to themselves.  They don't front.  They saved money and live rather modestly, but they have so much more than most of their peers, because they didn't fall victim to "keeping up with the Jonenes"....which is the sad reality of most people in my neighborhood.  My parents don't nickel and dime, they believe in fine service and nice experiences.  They tip well, they order dessert and coffee, they make helping them easy.

8.  My parents are awesome because they support my sister and me no matter what.  We both tripped, stumbled, and fell many times growing up.  Literally and figuratively, but we always had unconditional support and guidance from them.  Who gets to go home at 30 and be babied and get to focus on themselves and not have to worry about food or rent?  Me!  I AM SO LUCKY!  My sister is in an awesome place for her (married, baby, baby on the way, just bought a house) and I am getting there, too.  I owe all of our good fortune to our parents.  Unconditional love and support speaks volumes towards success.

9.  My parents are awesome because they are smart.  They like to read.  They can complete the New York Times crossword puzzle most days, they enjoy music, art, culture, cuisine.  They lived full lives, traveled, expanded their worlds.  They are open minded in most ways.

10.  My parents are awesome because they are good people.  They care about others.  They take care of their sick parents, they do things they don't want to do all the time just because it is the right thing to do.  They are the people that other people depend on.  They do the daily tasks and favors that most people won't do or involve themselves in.  They understand that "it's only money",  that "every day is a new day", and that "it could be worse."  They are grounded and level headed and tuned in.  You can't fool my parents, they see bad because they are so good (cough cough Awful)....



The Card

My parents received a very special card yesterday.

It was from Crush.

He was wishing them happy holidays.  This was his own idea and I love that he will do these little sweet gestures organically.  He doesn't need to be told what to do to make me happy, he just does it.

In the card, he let my parents know how excited he is to meet them next month, how happy he is that we met, and how much he cares about me......he declared his love, but not in a cheesy scary stalker way (how my parents refer to Awful).  It was sweet and perfect and so romanic and old fashioned, just like how Crush treats me.

My mom read the card and handed it to my dad and then they both looked at each other and started to happy cry.  It was real sweet.  Then they both hugged me.

My dad also announced that it was truly a "holiday miracle" know, me finding a man that everyone actually approves of because he is well....actually nice, not a liar, and not an alcoholic (the fact he is Jewish is really the icing on the cake).  Sweet.

I think they finally now know what I have been feeling for months....Crush may just be the one.

The Very Last Thing

I have a few goals for 2013 that I really want to accomplish.  I plan to make a post about them soon to hold me accountable, but one is so important that I am dedicating this here post to know what I am going to say......I must get the rest of the weight off.

I am actually okay at the weight I am at.  I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness.  I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling.  Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.

I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man.  I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life.  He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out.  Swoon.  I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships.  Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.

Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private).  Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there).  I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place.  I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy.  My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.

This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty.  There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss.  We will see.  If there isn't, next week will be better.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.

I am ready to do this once and for all.  16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready.  I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME.  Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!

I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.

35 pounds is not going to define me.

I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off.  With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.

For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life,  I simply feel ready.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Going South

I am getting super excited that I get to see my darling Crush in 9 days and counting down!  I will be visiting for over a week down south and then at the end of the month, gulp, he will be traveling north to meet my parents.  This is becoming very real.  I know my parents are going to love him just as I do, but in my mind, the parental approval really makes it all official.  I am not even nervous, just excited, because everything has been so easy and fluid, this feels like the next natural step.

I am cranking out work and trying to tie up some very lose ends for 2012, so I can turn my phone off when I visit my man.  I feel the little phone and email breaks help me stay in the moment, relax, and reduce my anxiety.....I have this real binge/purge mentality with work.....see any patterns here???? (HINT: FOOD ISSUES!)

I feel like 2013 is going to be my year.  There is good news flowing all around me.  In 2013, lots of new and special babies will be born (they are baking now), some awesome couples will be married, and I will be moving to a new state, a place that already feels like home!  I just know that the future holds so much, I keep wanting to jump ahead because I am pumped, but I am trying my best to savor the moments and the special firsts as I can never do them again.  Bonus, some of my very best friends will be meeting Crush soon which makes me extremely happy.

Crush and I will be spending our first New Years Eve together here soon.  We are heading to the beach, bringing lots of books, CDs, and recipes and plan on enjoying some special time just the two of us.  Gone are the days where I need to buy a new slutty dress, spend $300.00 on some drink package, and puke on myself (true story) in order to ring in the new year.....we have a 7:00 pm reservation at a very quiet restaurant in a sleepy town and I couldn't be happier.  Perhaps, I will indulge in a martini or two, but I bet I will be sleeping or snuggling at midnight and that it perfect for me!

Things feel so right now, I don't even know how I got this time last year, I was at such a different place, so much can happen in 365 days.  I believe that life is all about compromise except in two areas: love and personal happiness.

I am actually in disbelief that I listened to my inner voice and got out of Awful's house.  I am often a real blockhead and stay in bad situations to appease others instead of taking care of me.  I hate conflict and then I snap.  I know I must come off as preachy sometimes, but I promise you all, I am so not like that.  I made SO many mistakes, I really sometimes wonder if I deserve any of this goodness.  My feeling is that I have always put others before me and since I am a late bloomer, the good fortune is coming because I lived through and survived all the bad.

So much can change in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year.  In 2012, I lived for me and only me and then I found what I was really looking for, my own self acceptance......

All the missing pieces fell in place like a perfect puzzle after that.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Voice Within

As I have shared, I have been consumed by the tragedy in Newtown.  I love children.  I have many teachers in my family.  This hit home for me, as I know it has for millions of other people.  We all (or the vast majority of us) went to elementary school.  That in itself becomes relatable, just like how now going to the movies heightens my anxiety after the tragedy in Colorado.

But, I don't want to live in fear.  Fear allows the bad people to win.  It gives them the power, the power to make me afraid, I don't want to do it willingly.  I have come too far.  I have tried too hard.  I will live each and every day to the fullest and I will be the best person I can be. I will give my future up to chance and accept that I have a lot of control over my destiny, but freak things do happen, so I don't have total control.

A few years ago, I worked with someone who was severely bipolar.  I knew something was up with her from the moment she was first hired, nearly a year after I began working in the office she joined.  There was something about her that never allowed me to put my guard down.

As time went on, it became clear to me that she had relations pre-employment with our boss in the office.  They had worked together years before at another location and she was brought in under the pretense that she was wonderful, personable, and qualified, but the truth of the matter was that she was none of these things.  She was uneducated, unreliable, unpolished, angry, mean, and vindictive.  She slept with employees from departments that we managed, she drank at work, she cursed, she dressed unprofessionally, she cried and screamed regularly, she was always bailing one person or another out of jail.  I promise you that where I worked was prestigious, she didn't have the experience to be part of our team and business has since directly suffered because of her employment.  I hear it all of time as I am still in the industry.  She was a liability is every sense of the word.  Everyone knew it. We swept it under the rug.

I now know that she was hired because she had inappropriate sexual relations with my former boss before he worked in my office and she was there because she blackmailed him.  Sex is sometimes always the answer that can't be answered any other way.  I knew it when I worked there in my heart, but it was confirmed to me after I left.  I still feel bothered by it, sometimes.

Her being in the office greatly affected my career.  I was not promoted because my boss was afraid of this woman and wouldn't advance me without advancing her and he made that pretty clear.  But, she could never be advanced because she never did anything, but cause trouble.  I won awards, I sought higher education in my field, and I got rave client reviews and I stayed stuck in this middle ground compared to a woman who shouldn't have been there in the first place regardless of her mental illness.  She didn't want to work.  She was there to get a paycheck and I wish that paycheck went to feed and cloth all of her children, but I know it didn't.  I think about her children all the time.  How sad I am for them.

I understand and sympathize with mental illness.  I myself suffer from depression and anxiety.  I know how dark, dark can really feel.  My former co-worker refused to take her medicine correctly and would share this with the office.  This is really the biggest issue I had with her.  If only she took her medicine.  Many people work and function and exist with mental illness (myself included), but you must get the help available for you and take the medicine to stabilize you, if it is a part of your regime.  That was her personal responsibility of being a part of an office and team environment.  She had access to wonderful healthcare.  I think perhaps that is why my boss also allowed her to work there, to help her.  I know he has a heart within all of his conflict and deceit.

Everyone was afraid of her, I was the only one who took a stand, but honestly only after I was forced to.  A bunch of cowards we all were.  Too scared to do anything, but also do consumed with our own lives to truly help.  No one wanted to provoke the crazy.

One morning when we were the only two people present at an extremely early hour, she came in un-showered and hadn't slept all night.  She was agitated and annoyed she had to be at work, at her job. She told me she was out with her boyfriend the night before partying.  She then got angry when I was trying to work and not engaging her with questions about her party night, mainly because I could care less and because I was doing her work at the time, so her early morning client would be happy.  I was asked to come in and cover for her as it was never clear when she would roll into the office.  Always the people pleaser I was and still am.....I thought being this amazing, reliable person would get me promoted, it actually only made me become even more taken advantage of.

She got up in my face and threw a heavy dictionary at my head.  She told me "if I killed you, no one would know, they would blame it on you, it's clear that I am favored around here and you can't do anything about it.  I have access to guns (true, she was dating and living with someone who did) and I know how to strangle people."

She was right.  If something happened to me, she would have been protected.  My former boss' marriage and personal life was much more important to him than my safety.

I went to my boss about the occurrence and he made more excuses up.  Told me to wait it out.  I had been waiting for 6 years.  He stuttered and sought words, but the truth was that he did indeed pick her over me.  She had material to use against him and I had nothing.

The job was within my credentials and I deserved to be there, but the management was terrible and couldn't and most importantly wouldn't protect me.  Don't even get me started on my direct boss, the chess piece for cheater boss.  I resigned my position after more than 6 years and I am still upset about it sometimes.

But, my voice within lead me correctly.  I just recently found out that she was fired and she did something so terrible and so scary to get terminated.  She was untouchable there: she didn't show up, took mental leaves on the regular (where she posted photos of herself on vacations on Facebook when she was supposed to be on suicide watches), came to work drunk or hungover, didn't finish any of her assignments, upset clients on the daily...what she did was seriously so bad and caught on camera, there was no way to keep her.  Technology won.

I knew eventually it would come, but I didn't want to wait to find out.  I am sure my former boss lives everyday in fear of her and he should.  I have a feeling she isn't done with him.  I hope he has gotten a protective order.  As much as I want karma, I don't want it bad enough for anyone to get hurt.

I feel for her and I feel for her children most of all.  They were just recently taken away by the state.  I pray for all of them.  I sincerely pray for her most of all because she is sick and needs help and needs to come to terms with the fact that help is available for her and she needs it for real.  I think about her all the time.  I worry about her even though I dislike her.  At the end of the day, I feel for her most of all.  Her life is so different than mine, but her choices, her personal choices, led her to this place.  I swear it didn't have to be like this.  She came from a very good family, she is sick.

I was held back and my progress was stalled because of her, but I learned my own lessons, too.  The most simple one: life isn't fair.

Sometimes walking away from injustice is the best justice of all.  You have to trust the voice within.

Monday, December 17, 2012

WeightWatchers Week 1

-1 pound.  I am pleased.  I binged all weekend as that is how I deal with my emotions.

I didn't track everything and I aim to really be conscious and clued in this week.

I make things way too hard for myself.

I am committed to doing this.  Not trying, doing.  I don't care how long it takes.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Sadness and Darkness

I haven't been productive since Friday.  I get really stimulated and anxiety ridden when tragedies like the Newtown school shooting occur.

I want to look away, but I can't.  I am terrified and intrigued all at the same time.  I promised myself I wouldn't look, but one peek turned into hours of searching online.  I made myself sick and I made myself hysterical.  I then binged on Chinese food.  Crab rangoon didn't make me feel better.  My sadness cannot be filled by greasy rice.

I am a stranger to the people directly influenced by the shootings on Friday, yet, I am deeply and emotionally disturbed.  I know children that age, I have several teachers in my family, including my mom and sister, I went to elementary school many moons ago and I can remember it clearly.  I recall being 6 or 7 years old, I have vivid memories of school beginning at the nursery level.

I have a heightened sense of anxiety because of this latest tragedy.  As so many have asked, when will it end?  How can it end?  What has gone to wrong in our society to allow for this?

I am fighting my inner most voice of terror.  The voice telling me to avoid malls, and movie theaters, and now schools.  It is our right to go out in public, but is it safer to just stay inside?

When I would turn on the news and hear about bombs and buses belong blown up in town squares continents away, my only comfort was the thought, "not in America," but the reality is that we are experiencing the same tragedy here in some ways,  innocent people going about their days, trying to enjoy simple freedoms and rights, and then dying for no reason at the hands of anger, despair, and personal vendettas....

Not to compare one bad thing to another, but September 11th felt different for me.  Planes, high-rises, metropolitan areas, landmarks.  Please don't mis-interupt my words as one tragedy being less sad, sick, or wrong than the other, but in my opinion and only my opinion, I felt like one could mentally protect themselves from September 11th like this..."I won't fly, I don't live in a big city, I don't work in a center of commerce..."  I remember telling myself this when September 11th happened.  I was 20 and in college in a small town environment in the middle of America and I felt a teeny tiny bit comforted by this.  I was away from any place that would have made a statement. September 11th still haunts me as I know Newtown will a decade from now.

But, with Newtown, little ones in the safest place you can be at 6 or 7 other than your home, your classroom, this is simply unavoidable.  You have to go to school, get educated, learn, grow, so one day if you chose, you can fly and work in a big building, and live your life the way you decided you should because we live in a free country.

I am fighting my inner voice that wants me to stay in bed all day, and eat cookies, and sob for the beautiful women and children that died tragically and horribly at the hands of an angry killer, a boy really, so much rage and venom for a man of only 20.  I am allowing myself to mourn and then I must get up, and function, and join the living, because I have my life still.  I am still here, living and breathing and for that I am blessed and grateful.

Everyday you get to sleep at night is a blessing and every morning you wake up is one, too.  If anything, since Friday, I am reminded that life is too short to take for granted.

Tomorrow, life goes ones, but Newtown will never be forgotten.

I wanted to avoid even posting again on this topic and will never breathe the name of the killer because sometimes fame and infamy get confused by people who want to make a statement and be remembered.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

No Words

Here I am still sick and still laying flat on my back, but nothing has changed.  Yes, I may be behind on emails and voicemails, but I plan to catch up today now that I can lift my head off the pillow for a few moments at a time.

I just had to acknowledge the sadness, despair, and fear that I am feeling after hearing about the haunting situation that occurred in Newtown, Connecticut, but there are no words.  No words.  I am going to try.  I just feel like I can't ignore a tragedy like this.

This post isn't going to be long.  This post isn't going to be about mental illness, or gun control, or the media's tendency to sensationalize violence and school shootings.  This post is going to be about life.

Life is fragile. Life is unpredictable.  Life is not forever.  Life can change in an instant.  Life isn't a right, it is a privilege.  You are born and then you die, but what happens in between those two dates, well, so much can happen.  Everyone is born in the same general way, but the way you die, there are indeed a million different ways to go out, if only they could be mostly peaceful, but they aren't.

I am sick about this.  Sick because so many children, little ones, were taken.  Almost babies, some 5 years old, were sent to school with their little backpacks and lunch sacks yesterday morning and now their tiny beds are forever empty.  WHY?  What is the point?!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Helpless little victims.  A baby killer, I mean, this is what I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET OVER!  5 year old children look to adults for guidance and safety.  They wouldn't be able to fight back.  Sitting ducks.  The entire thing is sickening beyond comprehension.  I am paranoid about it all and I am fighting these waves of anxiety.  How can you not be afraid if you really think about it?  

All we can control is the way we live our own lives.  This last year, my perspective on EVERYTHING has changed.  I have so much less tolerance for needless drama, for over-communication about nonsense, for being mean for the sake of being mean.  Let me tell you, in my chosen career, it is creating moral problems for me, because I feel like people enjoy to be hateful for no reason and my heart isn't into making bad people feel good anymore....but that is a another post for another day.

I have been trying to treat others kindly, live each day to the fullest, and come to terms with my reality.  Because, if I was taken too soon, just like the students, teachers, principal, and school councilor, I would want to know that I lived with no regrets.

I pray and mourn for all the innocent people yanked from this world yesterday for no good reason.  May they rest in peace.  They will never be forgotten.  I wish yesterday never happened and all of those babies were still resting in their little beds waiting for their Saturday morning cartoons and a big bowl of  sugary cereal.


Friday, December 14, 2012


I think it is going around.  The flu, the stomach flu specifically.

I am just feeling a bit better, the last 16 hours have been rough, it came on VERY quickly even though I had been feeling sluggish and unlike myself for the past week or so.

Everyone is sick: my sister, my Crush, many of my clients.  It is not fun.

I haven't vomited (sorry, TMI) in a long time, years even, until yesterday.  It was a disaster and I hysterically cried the entire time as sober vomiting is especially dismal.

I hope everyone is staying well and I will be back in detail as soon as this passes.

Have a great day!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

When It Rains It Pours

I had a dry spell here for a year.  I cried a lot.  I ate massive amounts of ice cream.  I went to McDonald's more times than I would like to admit.  I spent tons of time alone.

I have never made my feelings on the opposite sex (men) a secret.  Frankly, I don't get them.  Until I met Crush, I wasn't sure they would ever make sense to me.  Actually, men in general will still never make sense to me, Crush is a different breed, super unique, the kind of man that is like a rare gem, he wouldn't shine for everyone, but he positively sparkles me for!

One of the biggest hurdles that I had to personally overcome was sharing my friends with their husbands.  I love babies, so I always understood the needing to be a mom, but I always selfishly resented my friends for naturally choosing their men over their friends, even when they didn't actually do it all!  I was overly-sensitive to becoming second to a man, but now that I have one that I do believe will be around for a while, the relationship you have with a man that is right for you and the relationships that you have with your best friends, is actually very much the same, minus the physical intimacy.  I get it.  Sorry, friends!  You know I was just jealous.  Seriously, I was.

So, one of my family friends is going through a divorce.  He is a few years older than me and a genius. Like for real.  He is not just smart, he is really a genius.  He went to college at 15 somewhere Ivy League and he is already a professor at a very famous university at 34 and he is handsome to boot.  We have perhaps exchanged 25 words between us in 20 years.  I always felt very intimated by his brains, so I just drooled and ate cookies when he was around (it was always at neighborhood parties where there were lots of delicious mini cookies). 

Since I went to college, his mom, who is a very close friend of my mom, started to tell me how much her son has always liked me, how he wanted to ask me to prom and then his college frat semi-formal, but that he was super intimidated by me.  How he told his family I was his "dream girl", but he couldn't muster up the words to talk to me.  If I tell you, we exchanged 25 words, that may have been an exaggeration, more like 12.  Perhaps, I sensed something, but really I think I was more focused on the cookies. 

Well, this wonderful sweet man, got married young (in my opinion, I think anyone who marries under 30 marries young) and after 8 years of marriage, his marriage is over.  In the midst of the turmoil, he asked his mom if I happened to still be single and she asked my mom who has been keeping Crush rather mum from her inner circle until she meets him next month, SO EXCITED BTW! My mom then had to come clean about Crush, but Divorced Man still sent me an email (here is some of it):

I know this may come off as random or strange, but I have always liked you and I have always thought about you.  You to me, have always been the kind of person I admire.  I am shy and very much to myself (just like Crush, btw!) and you are so open, warm, and caring.  When I saw you years ago at *______'s house, I couldn't keep my eyes off you and yes, I was married at the time, but actually separated, we kept up appearances for a while until my sister got married, to keep the drama out of her happy occasion.  Point I am trying to make, you have been on my mind since you first moved and our moms became friends (20 years ago!), you are so different from all the people who grew up around here and you have always intrigued me. 

I heard you were dating someone and just know that I think whoever you are with is very lucky to have you.  I assumed you were married with kids, but since you aren't officially hitched yet, I wanted to let you know how I feel as absolutely random as that may be for you.  I hope this email doesn't make you uncomfortable, I completely respect your current relationship. I just wanted to put the message out there, if you were ever interested in seeing me for a date because future circumstances allowed for it, I would be honored to get to spend some time with you.  

I emailed back letting him know that it was great to hear from him and that I am moving. He wished me the best and when I see him in a few months at something I do think he could be at, I will actually make conversation with him and not just eat cookies. 

Overall, it was super flattering, especially when I think about ALL of the bad and horrible and emotionally draining dates I endured in the last 10 years....I would come home and sob that no who would ever like me, ever find me attractive, or ever want to take me out.

You just never know who may be thinking about you.....

I Only Remember the Bad Things

When I was 3, I was first called fat at nursery school by a boy in my class, I remember what I was wearing that day (overalls and a pink shirt) and how I first become aware of my body.

When I was 4, I overhead my grandma telling my dad that she was concerned I would have a weight problem for the rest of my life and he should put me on a diet.

When I was 5, a girl in my kindergarten classed asked me why I was "so big" and I went home and cried.

When I was 7, my mom told me to stop eating pretzel rods because I was becoming a piggy and I went to my room and thought about how I eat too much.

When I was 10, the boys rated the girls in my grade on face, body, and personality.  I got an 8 for face, a 2 for body, and a 10 for personality.

When I was 11, the boys one year older than me nicknamed me ogre.  They chanted it to me (about 25 of them) at lunch time and screamed it in the halls.  My dad went over to the 2 ringleaders homes' and confronted them after months of it when I stopped eating, sleeping, or wanting to go to school.  I never spoke to most of those boys for years to follow, I was afraid of them.  I still have nightmares about this. Being circled by a bunch of pre-pubescent boys and being chanted out because of my body was by far one of the most hurtful things that has ever happened.  It never really went away all through junior high and high school, I was still referred to as ogre by some until the boys a year ahead of me went to college.

When I was 14, I overhead a boy I had a crush on telling his friend that he knew I liked him and he just couldn't get over how big I was.  I was a size 8 and 5'8".

When I was 16, a boy I used to make out with told me to lose weight.  I did.  He then asked me out.

When I was 17, the boys in my grade dared the boy I liked to touch my butt because it was apparently so big and disgusting that it required a dare.

When I was 18, I dressed up for Halloween and got mistaken for a man.  I still hate wearing wigs because of this.

When I was 20, I found out that a person I considered a friend had a secret nickname for me that involved a hippo.  I joined WeightWatchers the next day.

When I was 25, I dated a man with serious mental issues who told me I was obese.  I was 30 pounds thinner than I am now.

When I was 27, I ran into a guy from high school who seemed interested in me, until his friends asked me if I had a penis because apparently at almost 5'10" (really 5' 9" and a half), I am such a freak of nature that I seem like a man, even though I am actually quite feminine (I always feel bad when people make fun of Khloe Kardashian, my body is like hers and I would so be made fun of if I was famous!).

When I was 28, I dated Awful and he encouraged me to have plastic surgery on my stomach because I had rolls and stretch marks on my abdomen. I went ahead with it because I was scared if I didn't, he would break up with me.

When I was 31, I fell in love with some special...myself!  I stripped myself down naked and stood in front of the mirror and realized that I have a lot to be happy about.  My curves are beautiful, my height is statuesque, and my breasts are adorable.  Then, I fell in love with an incredible man who loves every single inch of me and makes me feel so beautiful, always.

Don't feel bad for me.  People often tell me wonderful things about me, the compliments far outweigh the insults.  I just chose to never hear the positives and got stuck focusing on the negatives until recently and the only person at fault here is me because I let the opinions of others influence the way I lived my life and the choices I made.

Now, I process, acknowledge, and accept compliments and go deaf to the insults.

People who insult are simply looking for love.....the kind of love that only comes from loving yourself.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Here We Go Again

After much thought and over-analization, I decided to rejoin WeightWatchers.  Oy.  This is my 6th time.

I have been very successful on it twice, but I have yet to maintain my 30 pound losses or really improve my habits for life, the point of the program.  I have always wanted to change for life, but I am ALL about instant gratification and immediate results, so I play with the program and basically cheat it into working FAST and the minute I stop tracking, I blow up again.

For the last few weeks, I have been struggling.  I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating when I am not hungry, turning to junk food for comfort, and procrastinating about going to the gym.  I am so ALL or NOTHING as I have mentioned countless times before.

Last week, I started thinking about the times in my life when I ate for satisfaction, I had control over my intake, and I looked best.........and all I could think about was WeightWatchers when I actually followed the program correctly and didn't need instant results (this happened once in my weight loss journey).  I know it doesn't work for many people, but it seems to work for me, mostly because I like playing games and WeightWatchers is a game with the points values and whatnot.  If you haven't ever checked it out, I do recommend it, but the losses are SLOW, so keep that in mind.

This past Monday (2 days ago), I went to a WeightWatchers meeting.  I got myself in the door and on the scale and I saw a number I wasn't happy with, but it didn't surprise me.  I have 37 pounds to lose to get to goal according to WeightWatchers.  Since, I am a big lady and broad, I am thinking more like 25 pounds, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.

So, something happened that has NEVER happened before, the leader, a fundamental part of the program....was AWESOME!  I have never ever liked or related to the person running the meeting (the leader) until now.  She reminded me of me or perhaps the kind of person I would aspire to be someday! She had this warmness and energy that is addicting, I just wanted to crawl right into her arms.  After the meeting, as a newly rejoined member, I stayed after to set goals and get a refresher on the program and my new leader, Ann, asked me why I came in, what made me wake up and drive to the meeting.......I had to think about it all for a second and responded:

" I am ready, I really can't stand playing around with food anymore and I want to get this under control, so I can be a better and more grounded person all around."

Ann told me, "You will do it this time, I know it, you will make this work for you for the longterm, 6th time is a charm.  All the times before have been practice and have prepared you, but this time, this time is for you and it for real."

What Ann said made me think of my wonderful Crush.  All the men before him taught me so much about myself, but they were practice, they were for preparation, now things with Crush have been super easy because I am ready!  Perhaps WeightWatchers this time will be just like that.

I replied to Ann, "I will try."

She responded, "No you won't try, YOU WILL!   The difference this time is that you will NOT try, you will and I am going to help you get there. Start reframing your thoughts, there is no TRYING in this, there is only DOING!"

I am so excited!  Weigh-ins are on Mondays and I will post my statuses each week.

Hope all is well with everyone and so good to be back!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Day 2 and Counting....

Perhaps?!  I tracked everything again today...YAY!

I was 150 calories over, but I am cool with it, much better than the days I don't track.

I am working ALL weekend starting tomorrow, so let's see how it goes.

I am EXCITED about this, even if it has only been 2 days, it is progress for me and I count every day I track as a step in the right overall direction.

I know these posts may be boring, but I am recording to be accountable.

Good night!

1 Day Down.....

I tracked EVERYTHING yesterday!  YAY! I just had to share as this is actually a BIG step for me because not only did I track EVERYTHING, I was within my recommended caloric intake to lose 1 pound a week.

I set my tracker for workouts as I do go 5-7 times I week, so with a workout, I can eat quite a bit and I am very satisfied, I am never hungry.  I am just emotional, bored, tired, sad, or nervous....The over- eating rarely comes from hunger.

So now I move along to day 2 and like I said yesterday, even if I eat 20,000 calories, I am going to track it.  The goal is to track and if I can stay within my calories, that is simply a bonus for now.

I had to bring it back to basics to make sure I can do this!

Have a great day!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Temptation Island

Do you remember the show? Oh my.....GUILTY PLEASURE!  I loved Temptation Island!

Truly, I enjoyed the spin-off, Paradise Hotel, best.  Take a day off, watch on Hulu, pop some popcorn and don't choke from laughing.

Speaking of temptation, I went out this past weekend with 2 of my best friends.  They are both very special to me.  One I met in college and lived with for years, one I met at work post-college and we immediately bonded and had that special understanding that is rare.  I love these ladies.  They are both married with beautiful babies, it was a planned and needed girls night out!

We went to a hot spot and had a late dinner reservation.  We ordered a bunch of food and had drinks.  I got tipsy.  I did.  I wasn't out of control, but I was silly.  I feel comfortable drinking with these gals, but as I have mentioned before, my drinking is few and far between and not something I do often or without planning.  I was excited to be out and I knew that I wanted a few too many cocktails, so I had them and enjoyed!

On a trip to the bathroom, a gentleman stopped me to tell me that I was beautiful, I always appreciate a compliment.  Lately, I am actually bigger for me, but since I am happy and feeling very at peace with the future with Crush and my own self worth, I am attracting men much more often than I did a few months ago.

We always want what we can't have.  Human nature.

This entire last year when I was single and dying for companionship, not one man looked my way, now that I met my Crush, the men are chasing me down the street, well not really, but I am getting approached occasionally.  Nothing has changed besides one thing: MY CONFIDENCE!

Confidence is key.  I have always known this, but now I feel it and live it and it is AWESOME!  I actually think it is such an easy concept that it is impossible, much like how less calories and more exercise cause weight loss.......oy!

As the night progressed, Mister Compliments came and asked to join our table.  3 taken ladies, me the only one without a ring.  He was with a friend and his friend left abruptly when he learned that we were a bunch of non-singles, but Mister Compliments stayed.  He wanted the challenge.  He let me know that he was divorced and without a ring on my finger, I was hardly taken....different values we share.

But, well, the truth is that I entertained his conversation.  I had a nice time flirting.  I kept it clean and polite and light.  The man was on a mission, he point blank asked me back to his place to spend the night.

I saw the entire thing as a test.  I was VERY attracted to him.  He was tall, very tall, he had beautiful skin, dazzling white teeth, and a gorgeous build.  Dressed well, preppy yet cosmopolitan, in another life, he would have made me snap my head all the way around if I saw him on the street.  Dreamy he was.

If I was single, I would have been gunning for him and I am sure I wouldn't have gotten him because I would have smelled of desperation.  Speaking of scent, he smelled yummy, had swagger for days, and even attended my same college, only he graduated 1 year before I arrived.  My dress would have hit the floor quickly a few years ago for this man mere minutes after meeting him, it would have, I can't lie to you about it.

The bar closed and both of my friends had left to make it home to their babies and I was alone with Mister Compliments and a very clear proposition, "get naked with me."  For a moment, I wanted it, too, I wanted to feel so desired, Crush is so far away, I could never marry Mister Compliments, he is GORGEOUS.....but my heart and mind laughed at the entire idea.

And I went home, ALONE, of course.  I was missing my Crush and I called him the second my tush jumped into a cab just to make sure he knew how much.

I see this situation as closure for my conscious.  Men may want me, but they don't have the power over me.  They can't control my self worth, the way I feel about myself, they can't make immoral choices for me.  And please don't even think I think blaming it on alcohol is ever a valid or excusable excuse anymore for personal actions.  IT ISN'T!

Years ago, perhaps even in this same situation with Crush, meaning that I could have been dating a great man who isn't a shark like Mister Compliments, I would have blown it with Crush, I would have done something dishonest to my relationship.  I don't think I would have cheated as I have been cheated on and there is nothing like that hurt, but I would have pushed it past the appropriate boundaries.  I would have gone back to his place and slept on the couch, I would have grabbed late night food with him, I would have given him my number.  I would have opened up the possibility of more, I would have jumped right down that rabbit hole...

If I was single....oh lord!  I would have let a few nice words suck me into the vacuum of deceit, I would have made bad and impulsive choices, I would have let a man I hardly know have his way with me because HE wanted to.  I wouldn't have thought about what I wanted.  How the one night stands leave me lonely, depressed, and empty.  How I really want and deserve a true gentleman, someone who loves me for me, not just the outside, not just because my dress and Spanx created a Kardashian type curve, all smoke and mirrors, only for a night.

I am loving Crush because I found my clarity before him.  I knew what I needed, what I wanted, what would complete me and he fulfills that: mind, body, and spirit.

And now, well, now, I am living my dream.  The dream I had to create before I met Crush in order to really fulfill it.


Oy....this is hard to admit, but I have actually put on 5 pounds!

It isn't because of the holidays, treats in the office, or attending tons of parties like many this time of's simply because I am not committed.

I want to lose weight, I really do.  27 more pounds to be exact, but I don't have the fire, the dedication, the for lack of better words...OBSESSION, that makes it possible for me to lose weight.  I do well all day and then around 4:00 pm, "the fuck it monster" settles in my brain and tells me that I am hungry and then I do stupid impulsive things like eat an entire medium pizza by myself (true story occurred last night, I had a breakthrough and tracked it because it did indeed happen!).

So where do things stand for me and my food issues now?

Well, they are still around, the issues I mean, but the binging is conscious and present and becoming this separation from need and want.  I used to NEED To binge.  Like chemically, I had to stuff my face with food.  Now, I just want to because it makes me feel safe and it is a habit, a bad one at that, but it's familiar.  Binging feels like a nap to me, warm, secure, an escape in every sense.

Now that my love tank is no longer empty (I today stole that from Vicki from the Real Housewives of Orange Country who had a very low love tank when she was with Donn)...because of Crush, my need to fill myself up is less manic.  I simply love the taste and relaxation that comes with the mindless eating, but it is not something that I must do.

Currently, the pending issue is that in the back of my mind, I kinda know that food is the ultimate reward, like if I complete something I must do, I can have that cookie!  Bad, bad, bad.

What now?  Well, I plan to track EVERYTHING!  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the WTF.  I just want to see it all.  So what if I eat 4 times my daily calorie target? I just want to see it, to own it, and to then deal with the reality of my choices, loses or gains. Because if I am actually doing it, there is no point hiding from it.  There is no point being sad when jeans don't button or dresses don't fit.  The food is ending up in my mouth because I put it there.

I am the only person feeding myself and it is on me to make the changes, if I want the results.

More to come on this of course!