Can't Find a Better Man

The other day, I was at my 6:00 am Spinning class and Better Man by Pearl Jam came on.  Highly focused on my workout at hand, a steep hill climb, I zoned in on the lyrics and really listened to the words for the first time ever (and then I ugly cried, but passed it off as workout sweat):

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Oh

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man
She dreams in colour, she dreams in red, can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah

She loved him, yeah, she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah, that's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man

I lived this.  I lived this song.  I was in a horribly abusive relationship and I escaped.  Sometimes when I lay in bed with Crush and doze off, I thank my lucky stars that I am lying in bed with him and not with Awful.  I found a better man.

I know everyone out there must be SICK and TIRED of hearing about Awful and hell, I am sick of writing about it, too.  But, I see my breakup with Awful as my rebirth.  I try to lock those memories in a safe and keep them tucked in a storage closet, but once in a while, they creep out.

When I found the strength to get out of that relationship, my world opened up and changed for the better.  I don't think I can ever truly explain how hard it was for me to dump him.  I still sometimes think of myself in amazement because I actually did it. I walked away to save myself. I actually did it.  I gave up a lot to break free: my Independence, some friends and my old job. 

Awful was married a few months ago.  He used to tell me that he needed time to get to know me before he could propose to me.  He had married his ex-wife mere months after meeting her and created a rule that we needed to date for at least 2 years before even thinking about marriage.  I held out for over 2 years.  A proposal was no where in sight for us ever.  He married his current wife less than 10 months after they first met. 

I looked at Awful's wedding photos.  I know I shouldn't have, but once I started, I couldn't stop.  It was like opening Pandora's Box or taking a bite out of forbidden fruit.  I had actually initially introduced Awful to the wedding photographer he used, so even seeing that they were still friends made me realize how far my life has come in terms of social relationships.

Well, I bawled when I looked at those wedding photos.  Not because I was jealous or missing Awful, but because I am sad for his bride.  I can already see some sadness in her eyes, the same sadness I can see in my own when I glance at snap shots from when we were together.  I turned ugly on the inside and outside when I was with Awful.  An abusive man will do that to you.  My mom tells me straight out, "you are getting your looks back now, they went far away when you were with Awful." She's right.  Weight aside, my soul was suffocated for a while and I couldn't even smile though the pain after a time.  It showed on every inch of my face.

I truly believe that Awful will get divorced.  If his wife can find the strength to leave him.  His first wife left him and ran home to her family in another state and I left him almost the same way, fleeing for my life. I was hanging on by a very small thread, I was deeply depressed by the time I made it home to my childhood bed.

The basic fact is that Awful is a very bad person who lies and manipulates others to meander through life.  Once I figured it out, I was shocked.  He comes across as this harmless warm and giving person, but inside he is full of venom and spite.

The clairvoyant who hasn't been wrong about anything yet, told me that Awful would marry first and that he would get divorced again.  That he would marry quickly to prove to me that he actually believes in marriage.   I STILL don't think he really does regardless of his marital status.

I struggle with the notion that some one's garbage can be someone else's diamond when it comes to a mate.  I do believe in compatibility, morals, values, attraction, commonalities and all that other jazz in terms of what makes a relationship tick.  That there is someone for everyone.  A lid for every pot.  But, I also think that if a person is a bad person,  just rotten to their core (which I now believe Awful to be), then nothing can make any relationship (friend, lover, colleague) they are in work because they cannot be true.  Everything Awful does is tainted and calculated.  Bad people make even worse relationships.

And I am not bitter that Awful didn't want to marry me.  Which is clear.  He married someone else quickly and had been married before, so he knows how to take his little frame up and down an aisle.

I am sad.

And that is why I feel.  I feel for her deeply.  For Awful's new wife.  I would extend her my deepest condolences if I could because I know when she said "I do" some of her died.  He is a soul crushing person.  He goes for the weak.  I was so weak when we started dated and as the years passed,  I found my inner strength, my boldness, because the options for me were to leave or to find a much more permanent way out.

Since I have gotten engaged to the love of my life, I feel this peace and safety that I never knew existed.  So this is what TRUE love is all about!?! I can't believe I ever confused anything else with what I am feeling now.  My past relationships have been a super cheap imitation of what love should be.  Of what I am finally getting to experience now for the first time in my life.

I actually pray that she will find her way out.  That she has a family like mine that she can run to.  That she has friends like mine that she can cry to.  That she has the strength to not allow a man to say degrading things to her or put a hand on her in a fit of rage or do things with her body that she doesn't feel totally comfortable doing.

I don't know much about her, but I am pretty sure that she, too, can find a better man.

When I Think of Heaven

I'm engaged!

Crush asked me last weekend and it has been an absolute whirlwind.

So much love has poured in from our families and friends, I am still waiting to connect with a few special people to share the big news.

The ring is perfect.  EXACTLY what I wanted and even more.  I thought it would take me a little time to get used to wearing my sparkles, but the truth is that I feel like it should have always been there.  From the very beginning, I felt engaged to Crush, we never really had a game playing or casual dating period.  It is nice now to feel safe expressing my feelings about Crush to everyone I meet, the ring let's me know that it is mutual.  In all of my past relationships, I felt like I was the one pushing to make it work.  That I wanted marriage more than my partner did.  Being on the same page makes the whole deal even sweeter.

I believe in heaven.  I believe in religion and spirituality and all that.  I know that some people don't and that's peachy, too.  Ideas beyond now are personal.

I was very close with my grandfather.  My dad's dad.  He passed away about 5 years ago and I have missed him every day since then.  I was in the room when he died and since, I have felt bonded to him more in his memory than I even did when he was alive.

When I was at the lowest depths of depression, I went to see a clairvoyant.  It was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. My grandfather told me to make a husband list and I did.

I have this beautiful idea that after I wrote my husband list, my grandfather received it and began walking all around heaven reading the list to anyone who would listen:

Grandpa: Merle, do you have a grandson?

Merle: Yes.

Grandpa: Is he tall, educated, and does he like music?

Merle: He is very smart, he listens to rap music, but he isn't too tall, a nice height, but 5'8" and likes little itty bitty ladies.

Grandpa: No, that won't work!
_________________________________________________________________

Grandpa: Samuel, do you have a tall, educated grandson who likes music?

Samuel: Yes.  But he is married.

Grandpa: No, that won't work!
__________________________________________________________________

Grandpa: Doris, do you have a grandson?

Doris: Why yes, I do.

Grandpa: Is he tall?  Does he like music? Did he go to college?

Doris: Yes.

Grandpa: Does he have straight teeth?  Does he respect his family?  Is he active?  Does he like to read?

Doris: Yes.

Grandpa: Does he refrain from getting drunk multiple times a week?  Is he sensitive?  Is he an independent thinker?

Doris: Yes.

Grandpa: Listen, I have a granddaughter who is really wonderful, but she is struggling trying to find a nice Jewish boy and I think your grandson could be perfect.

Doris: Dave, I wish I could help you, my grandson is such a mench, but he likes other boys and not girls.

Grandpa: No, that won't work!
__________________________________________________________________________

I think my grandfather asked everyone in heaven that he encountered about their grandsons.  He loved talking to strangers, never feared rejection, and was the least shy person I knew. Very tenacious.  The perfect matchmaker!  He would even give Patti Stanger  a run for her money.

A few weeks after I sent my husband list, Crush's grandmother died.  At this point, I think my grandfather was understanding just HOW HARD it is to meet the right guy.  I envision that out of desperation, he was now standing right next to the gates of heaven trying to snag the best matches for me ASAP.

I have a feeling that when Crush's grandmother passed through, my grandfather was shouting out grandson traits and every single soul floating by, ignored him, trying to get to their final destinations impatiently.  But, like a fine Southern lady, Crush's grandmother stopped to listen to my loud grandfather as she also wanted a match for her oldest grandson.  As one of many siblings and the only daughter in her large family, she could handle a man better than most, even a very silly and bubbly one from New York.

Mere weeks after Crush's grandmother passed,  I received my first email from Crush.  The rest is history.

Yesterday, we went to his grandmother's home.  The very home we will live in next year as a married couple.  Crush inherited her home and we plan to raise our own family there one day.

As we walked around the house making a list of what renovations we plan to make, we decided to head out to the backyard and I felt compelled to lay on my back and look up at the sky.  Crush joined me on the grass and a gentle breeze rolled in.  The same wind that I feel from time to time when I sense my grandfather is around.  It is a breeze that you can feel wrapped around you, but it is still.  It doesn't move the trees or leaves.  I screamed (Crush tolerates my crazy...BONUS!), "HI GRANDPA!!!" and tons of little birds flew into the yard tweeting.  Then, Crush yelled, "Hi, Nanny!!!" and a huge gust of wind blew in, this time blowing all of the great big shady trees in her own backyard.

As the branches swayed and the birds sang, we thanked our grandparents and I showed the sky my ring.  Then, the wind stopped suddenly and 2 tiny birdies landed at our feet. We felt the motionless breeze and they flew away, across the cloudless sky.

I didn't always believe in heaven until I met Crush.

I also didn't always believe in true love.

Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 2)

After my appointment with June, I was super excited to see DeeDee.  About a month passed between my appointment with June and my appointment with DeeDee and during that time, I dreamt of my grandfather vividly almost every single night.  It was almost like he was alive again.  He told me in my dreams that he was proud of me, that he was going to help me find love, and that he was watching over me.  I would wake up in the morning feeling extremely relaxed and hopeful.

The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it.  I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me.  But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...

I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff.  DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.

When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe.  It was very soothing.  DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug.  She said, "Welcome, R&F.  Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late.  He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning.  I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments.  He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE).  I have to ask you your permission first,  is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"

I burst into tears.  I could feel him there.  The energy.  The smell.  I knew he was in DeeDee's office.

"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.

DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically.  She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it.  Like a "no running sign" for children.  My grandfather loved to make little signs like that.  She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.

DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me.  She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).

DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me.  She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end.  DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!).  She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already).  DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.

Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list.  DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted.  He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.

She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me.  I promised her I would.  She told me something I will never forget.  "You are connected to life beyond life.  Just like I am.  You are being given a huge opportunity.  Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate.  All you have to do is make your list.  You have nothing to lose.  Just make the list.  The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you.  Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.

DeeDee went on to discuss my love life.  The abuse I endured with Awful.  The fact that Awful was never going to marry me.  How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too).  How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me.  She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp.  DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home.  It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave.  Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.

DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them.  She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me.  She said I would leave this city and never look back.  IT IS ALL HAPPENING.

She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.

I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on.  I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.

In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list.  I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.

1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.

1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.

The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.

Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 1)

It's time I share a little story about why I do believe things may be working out for me.

It is also the time that some of the people that are reading and don't know me may officially conclude that I am crazy....hell, some of the people who actually know me think I am crazy....so, no worries there.

Now, I am going to tell you things that are going to blow your mind.  I know many of you may never believe me.  I wouldn't believe you if you told me the things I am going to share, but I promise you, they happened!!!!!

Here we go:

As I have shared, 2012 was the BEST and WORST year of my life all at the same time.  It was great because I met Crush, found myself, and realized that I have a food addiction that has held me back for years.  It was the terrible, because dealing with the sentence above SUCKS.......a lemon.

Here we go back to 2012 before I met Crush and started a blog....I was (and still am) living at home and every day was it's own roller coaster of emotions.  Some days, I felt on top of the world and others....well, I could barely get out of bed to use the potty.  Awful was still berating me with texts and emails off and on and that only stopped when I blocked him from my phone.....

SIDENOTE: If anyone is bugging anyone reading from moving on, block them from contacting you.  Seriously, this decision helped me mentally move on, so I was ready for Crush when he came my way.

One day in March of 2012, I was chatting with Smartie Best Friend on the phone and she told me that she had a very strong feeling that I needed to talk to a clairvoyant.  We both feel things (like our deceased grandparents) around us sometimes and she has gone to a clairvoyant a few times to help her through tough or uncertain times.  Smartie Best Friend told me something that I will always thank her for when I was hemming and hawing about going....she said, "Just go.  Stop fighting it.  If anything, it will give you hope." And hope was exactly what I needed at the time....

Smartie Best Friend had also just recently seen her clairvoyant (someone she has gone to a few times in her life and who lives in her hometown) a few months before and SBF showed her clairvoyant my photo and asked her if I would ever marry and her clairvoyant said...."Of course.  Tell her not to worry." and giggled and said it so matter of fact that it gave me the confidence to go see someone because the last thing I wanted was to be told I would never marry, like Charlotte was told in that episode of Sex and the City.

So....SBF went on Yelp and started looking up clairvoyants in my neighborhood and suggested 2 that I should call.  1 mostly, but, she had a feeling about the other one, too.  So, I listened to SBF, because it was what I knew I should do and because living at home for the rest of my life was not what I wanted.....and so I called the 2 clairvoyants, June (SBF's 2nd choice)* and DeeDee (SBF 1st choice)*, and waited nervously for weeks (both VERY busy ladies) for my appointments.....first one up was June.

I had my appointment with June one afternoon in April and she sees clients at her house.  When I entered, I immediately felt at peace....it was clean and calm, even though there was a cat there...you know how I feel about cats......oddly enough, this was the only time, a cat's presence did not bother me.

June reads your angels.  Angels are pretty much your protectors.  Everyone has a few and they act as your inner voice and conscious. My angels told June everything at the reading....little gossipers they are....they told her about my breakup with Awful, my eating issues, and my recent successes and failures with owning my own business.  June told me everything.....down to me being sent by Smartie Best Friend....it was the coolest.

June let me know that my grandfather, who I feel all the time around me, is very close to Earth and was trying to help me and was bugging my angels a bit, trying to get messages to me.  She told me that I needed to stay true to myself, to not let negative influences in (at this time, I was dealing with a lot of pressure from my mom to get online and get out there and date and I wasn't ready yet), and to get my eating under control....she suggested protein which really does work for me when I eat it.

We discussed some exercises to keep negatives out and she assured me that my angels were looking out for me and wanted me to have the best life possible.  It was all very hopeful.

The thing that resonated with me most from my session with June was that she had me close my eyes and identify my safe place....which is and always will be,  the beach.  She then described the exact scene to me.....the waves, the sand, the solitude (I see vacant beaches, not ones in Miami beach), the rocking chairs on the porch.  It was AMAZING.  She then told me, "you will be at that VERY beach in 6 months - 2 years.  You will meet someone who has a connection to that stretch of beach" and I laughed.  She assured me that I was seeing a premonition, a place of my future.  I really wrote it off, as nice as it would be and called SBF up and told her EVERYTHING including the fact that I would have a beach house....and we giggled.

Flashforward to 2013....BUT....well....Crush's folks have a beautiful beach house.  The first time Crush ever took me there, we arrived very late at night, looked at the stars, and went straight to bed.  It is in such a remote location, that at night it is EXTREMELY dark.  In the morning, when I woke up, I went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast and OMFG.....the view was MY VISION of the beach that June saw....down to the rocking chairs.  I immediately ran out the back of the house to the beach in my nightie (it was cold and this wasn't a good idea) and started sobbing....it was all very full circle and the beach comes in more soon....so take note.....

Be back soon tomorrow with Part 2.  Trust me, the best is yet to come with this little novela.

*NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED