More Girls, Sorry I Can't NOT Talk About It....

Okay.....I have already shared my love of the show Girls on HBO.  I know some people HATE it, but I am just about obsessed.  I lived a VERY messy and interesting decade myself while I was in my 20's.  Until rather recently, I cursed myself for ALL of the very bad, very messed up, very stupid things I did then, but it was all so worth it now....I am finally really realizing and accepting this.

I told you this before last week, but I super relate to Hannah, the main character of the show for most purposes, in more ways than one.  Like her, I love being the expert, I struggle with self acceptance, and I often straddle the line of normal weight and a bit chubby (for the record, I would look WAY worse than her in all of the clothes she wears on the show....but I think the point of her wardrobe styling is to be unflattering).  Also, I was always getting myself into particular, dangerous, and almost fanciful situations on the regular.  I love reading the Girls reviews on Mondays after I tune in and so often people are hating and saying, "that could NEVER REALLY happen...." and I think, "ahhhhhh, yes, it could!"

If you didn't see last night's episode or aren't a fan of the show, I am going to fill you in (SPOILERS AHEAD!).  Hannah ends up meeting an extremely handsome older wealthy man (a doctor) at her job, quits it, finds his big fancy mansion in Manhattan, has sex with him, eats his food, wears his clothes, goes through his stuff, has an emotional breakdown, and faints all in less than 48 hours before she leaves without a trace.

This situation may seem crazy to some......but not to me.  Hannah, me too, girl.

10 WEIRD THINGS Things I Have Done That Hannah Would Do: 

1.  I briefly dated a man 10 years older than my father who was a very wealthy businessman.  He was in his 60's while I was in my 20's.  He took me to very fancy restaurants, bought me very expensive gifts (lingerie and purses which I returned), and flat out asked me to be his mistress and go to Paris with him where he would keep me for several months and pay me a salary that FAR exceeded what I was making at that time.  I seriously contemplated it.  I loved his company and sophistication.  To this day, he was the man that made me realize that I could only really marry a gentleman.  The thing that held me back was how could I explain running off with a 64 year old man to my parents......?!!!?  I couldn't.  I talk to my mom at least once a day.  He sent me a plane ticket.  At that point, I stopped returning his phone calls and became afraid, because I knew going with him would change my life and I didn't want to be that kind of girl.  I was surprised that a girl like me, someone who was never thin, but sometimes told she was pretty, could even be considered to be kept.  I thought it was such a compliment, that is how naive I was, but I also knew inside, it wouldn't make me happy.  I actually consider it a defining moment of my 20's, not running off with him to a country I still REALLY MUST GO TO (Crush promised me Europe and Australia before babies).  He also owns one of my favorite restaurants and I can never go there.  We never slept together, but he did see my vagina and told me it was beautiful (he knew vaginas before porn and labiaplasty) and danced with me to Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra.  He also made me great martinis and let me smoke in his penthouse (I still smoked a lot at the time and he would join me after a few drinks).  Crush is actually very similar to him, just half his age, a non-smoker, and no penthouse.....

2.  I briefly got drunk often with a man who was living in an alternate reality.  He told people he was the illigimate son of a famous actor.  He looked just like him, so I am still on the fence about his bloodline.  I don't know who he was or what he did, but I don't think it was legal.  He lived in the penthouse of a very expensive building, was driven around in a limo, and bought $500.00 bottles of champagne like how I buy items off of the McDonald's $1.00 Menu.  He bought me very expensive lingerie and told me I was striking and beautiful and not at all hot or thin and he liked me for that, for being real.  He cried to me several times.  One night I went into his closet to get money for takeout we ordered and looked at his ID.  It was not at all the name he gave me.  I questioned him and he told me to get the hell out of his house and NEVER come back again.  I have no idea who he is to this day.

3.  I once met a very handsome, tall, hot man at a bar on a bender out with some of my best friends.  I challenged him to a shot contest (I think.....there were many shots involved, I know that...) and all I remember is him giving me a piggyback, his condo looking like a pirate ship, and falling over.  I woke up wearing his clothes reeking of vomit in his bed, tucked in.  He was on the couch.  I had puked ALL over his place multiple times and he showered me, changed me, took care of me, and perhaps kept me alive and I swear I didn't even know his name.......he then drove me home in his beautiful fancy car from his pirate ship condo and asked me out...oh yes, he offered me some clothes that his ex-girlfriend left over (confirmed they had broken up) and let's just say her cheerleading shorts couldn't fit my pinkie toe..... Then, he proceeded to call and text multiple times to see if he could take me to dinner.  I was so mortified, I could never respond.

4.  One night, months after I broke up with the Sociopath, I decided I needed to have some sex.  Up until that point, I had only had 1 real one night stand that ended in sex (I was ALWAYS so self-conscious of my vag that I couldn't go all the way)....so at 3:00 am at a taco stand, I came to the conclusion that tonight was the night.  I picked up a much younger man eating a burrito and did it.  He smelled of Mexican takeout and sweat. I can't really remember the sex.  Then, he came over another night at 5:00 am and I can't remember the sex then either.  He called me randomly when I was with Crush a few weeks ago at 2:00 am and woke us up......wasted he was....I told him I was married with a baby, so he would take my number out of his phone.

5.  One night I went out with some of my gay friends (one is a porn star, like for real) and we were bored and tired, so we got some drugs, did them, and stayed up all night dancing to Eden's Crush and making out with one another and went to a 24 hour hour dinner and ordered 10 dishes and didn't eat one bite.  I woke up next to a cat.  I am scared of cats and I am not the biggest fan of anything that always lands on it's feet and can jump on the fridge (please don't judge me......here, please, I know many LOVE their kitties and I would so have one if I wasn't scared.  SIDENOTE: I love dogs now, but was scared of them until I was 22, blame it on my parents, I never had a pet other than a fish growing up).

6.  I met a very handsome somewhat of a TV star in an European country (like he was sorta famous in another country, but not here, I met him here, I have never been to Europe) at a bus stop.  We went out several times.  He scolded me on my manners and my boldness.  He was a good kisser and had beautiful eyes.  All of his furniture was very low and white and modern.  I spilled red wine on his carpet.  He had a king sized bed with a twin sized comforter and 1 pillow, yes, just 1.  I was always cold when I slept over.  He also wore purple bikini underwear.  He said very creepy things in bed like, "you are a frisky baby zebra with seductive limbs and a rump roast...." I have no idea if he understood enough english to know if this didn't even make sense. One night, he bit my vagina, yes....bit it.  Then we never spoke again.

7.  I once went home with a man I met at a bar and we got into his bed and I felt something on my foot and it was a pair of ladies thong underwear.  They were damp.  I promptly put on my clothes and left.

8.  One night I had a kinda threesome with a really weird girl from college (this was in college) who was my best friend for 16 months and then disappeared (like dropped out of school without a trace) and a creepy 40 year old man that we met at a really seedy hotel bar.

9.  The first night I made out with Awful, I had drunk no less than 3 bottles of white wine.  When I met him a second time, I couldn't even believe I ever kissed someone I personally found so unattractive.  I dated him for 2 years.  I was drunk much of it.

10.  I once went to a man's apartment I met while working at my first job and his apartment was to this day the biggest apartment I have EVER been in.  He had several servants and his balcony alone was bigger than any of the apartments I ever lived in.  He had a bar, like a real one, outside.  He made me eat old chocolate covered cherries and drink gin martinis.  I hate chocolate covered cherries.  I hate gin. He loved U2.  We kissed and he had terrible cigar breath.  He asked me to stick my finger up his butt in the heat of the moment on his red velvet couch.  I left.

There are sadly more stories than just these, but I must get back to work.  Crush asked me last night if I was really ready to slow things down and settle in the South, I screamed "YES!" almost too enthusiastically.

HAPPY MONDAY!

That Girl

Oh lawrdy......the only person you didn't want to be in college was "That Girl."  "That Girl" did a lot of things that most girls didn't: peed in chairs in frat houses, pooped in boys' beds in summer sublets, fell down steep stairs at work while drunk and holding a cocktail tray full of drinks while wearing a mini skirt and no underwear, had a threesome with 2 sexually repressed metrosexuals during a summer long coke binge, showed up places uninvited crying about a broken heart and a seriously itchy and unsightly STD.

Now, surprisingly, none of the above apply to me.  They are just things I was fortunate to witness during college that made me feel better about being this girl and not "That Girl."

That is not to say that this girl didn't: pee her own bed once after drinking 2/3 of a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a very quiet weekend in the dorms when everyone else went on frat and sorority walkouts freshman year, puke on the regular after drinking Long Island Iced Teas that cost 75 cents, yell at innocent strangers for things they NEVER (accusing them of calling me fat was a big one) said, pass out while making out (I think we kissed) with a sociopathic politician which caused him to rob my home afterwards because his blue balls simply made him insane, lose my underwear at a bar regular's house and then see him at happy hour when I was working the next day...MORTIFYING, throw up on a friend's stereo and then accuse her of doing it, wake up nude next to a bottle of rum, a beer can, 2 Dave Matthews CDs, a bong and my alarm going off for 5 hours and then went outside to realize that my car had been stolen by the very man that would leave me in such a horrific condition, make out with a 40 year old bartender who still lived in a college town (and recently hid from me) and 2 of my friends while listening to a Styx record....like a record, I do not think he could afford a CD player, jump in the pool with all of my clothes on after being inspired by my best friend who already had jumped in holding a Louis Vuitton clutch, take topless photos with my friends all on one couch while wearing costumes after being amped up by the song "It's Getting Hot in Herre" by Nelly, pass out when the only boy in college who wanted to be my actual boyfriend, but didn't even go to my college, came into town after we went out on our first date because I drank 6 beers before the date because I was nervous and then drank an entire bottle of wine during it and then a few weeks later, I had the nerve to get so drunk at his sister's wedding (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!) that I couldn't remember even getting up to the room after the wedding, but I was told I took a nap in a chair during it......and how can we forget when I rubbed baby oil all over a very handsome boy (who sadly got the absolute shit kicked out of him and had to leave college he was so injured) on my living room rug and then slid around with him like 2 well oiled pigs until the sun came up.

I mean how is this better than the "That Girl" actions? It isn't.  Hypocrite city here.  And this, all this, is just the tip of the iceberg.  It is only the fried chicken of Old Country Buffet's spread. A nibble really in the hilarity and utter pathetic nature of my college experience, even though I wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad I am still here to tell you about it....

I was this girl to me, but so "That Girl" to everyone else.....and I didn't even know it.

One day, when this blog gets more than 2 views per day and someone actually comments, I do hope we can discuss some of the "That Girl" or "That Guy" stuff you all might have done.  Please feel free to share even if you don't read this until 2014.