I have changed.
I know this.
So much in the last year.
I am a different person now.
I have learned lessons.
Can I confess something?
I was fired today for the second time in 2 weeks.
I wish I was upset, but I am not. I HATED the 2 clients that fired me and I didn't trust my instincts initially when I accepted their business. I have truly learned who I can and cannot help and as much as I wish I could help everyone that comes to me, I am only a person, just one. There were signs after signs after signs and yet I was the old me, the one that tried to conform without being honest and it bit me in the tush this time and oh yes, let's not forget....the time before.
You live and you learn. But, this time, I have really learned.
I know that I make business mistakes. BUT, I mostly only make them with clients I don't like. It is like I am subconsciously trying to push them away, to make them stop the constant email with the follow up texts, "did you get my email" texts about things that I am in the process of handling. If you micromanage me, I can't manage...it makes me feel smothered and suffocated and judged and pushed and like I have already disappointed you and it is one of the reasons I now ask all of my clients for 24 hours turn time on any request unless it is absolutely urgent.....because I need time to process and sometimes I am busy with other clients working.....and I have to show everyone the same amount of respect and be present....sometimes sadly, this includes turning my phone to silent for a few hours at a time.
Today, while I was being fired, I wish I would have handled it differently. Now that I think about it, she was trying to fire me for weeks and I was making it difficult as I wasn't passing along documents upon request because I was questioning why she needed them and she didn't like it. Something was fishy. It was like my heart was telling me something and yet I wasn't convinced in my mind. But, I said sorry and I wished it could be better and I almost cried, but then I didn't. Because, I am connected to my heart now and my heart knew that this was GREAT news.....I was free from the abuse I had volunteered myself to.
I looked at my calendar and I realized that the 2 clients who have recently fired me, hired me BEFORE I started dating Crush. He has changed me...but this time, for the better. Softened me, relaxed me, made me able to smell the roses and turn off my phone sometimes. Crush has given me the confidence and assurance to know that I am not always wrong (I make mistakes because I am a person, but sometimes I am right, too), that honesty is always the best policy, and that sometimes admitting defeat and to the impossible is the best way to proceed.
I realize that my clients that fired me, hired a different person and then wondered what happened and I TOTALLY get this...in the year that we had been working together.....I have evolved into someone so different....sometimes I hardly recognize myself.
After I met Crush, I FINALLY started booking the clients I wanted. The ones I know I work best with and the ones that trust me, respect me, and work well with me in return.........Oy, between us, I seriously stopped working for both of the former clients when they kept having conversations about my communication which was basically why I couldn't email or text them back in less than 1 minute.......because when I started working with them both, I had more time and less respect for myself and I slept with the phone next to my head and answered emails and texts instantly, even at 3:00 am.....I was so hungry for approval, for acceptance of any kind, to be busy to free my mind from my unknown future and building a business in a city I didn't see myself long-term....I worked 18 hours a day to distract myself from my life....between sleeping with my phone on my head of course.
The client today asked me "how I could wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror knowing I was such a horrible person" and the old me would have been so bothered by this comment...but, now, well, now I am proud to see myself, even if I am not all the things I sometimes wish I was.....aka thin. The person I see in the mirror has a heart, a soul, love, and self respect. I am kind, generous beyond a fault, and patient. I know this former client will not get what they want without me, but they made their choice and I wish them the best. Truly I do.
But, I know something. I know both of these clients were being shady in their own way, but I started my relationships with them differently. In the last year, I have become honest. I have always had an issue with honesty because I hated myself. It was easier to lie than to face reality. But, now, I handle business differently and life differently and mid-process I stopped lying. I did business and that may involve some spinning, but no lies and that is where I believe both of these clients lost faith and trust in me. I am not the bullshitter of the past. I am real. I am now a straight shooter and they wouldn't have hired me now, for the person I am now. Bad fit. They wanted miracles, dreams, and perfection and the old me promised that....the new me knows better.
So, they say, from every failure comes a great success. I truly believe this. Now, that these 2 clients, the only 2 causing me stress, strain, and really bad anxiety are gone....now I can focus on my other clients and my future plans and being honest. Because I feel like my new honesty has given me such a better life.
God works in mysterious ways. Life is strange. But, today's firing was for a date that happened to fall on my birthday. I have worked my last 2 birthdays. For 20 hours at least each day and I didn't even mention it....meaning, no one knew it was my bday aside from family and my closest friends....I hardly got any bday wishes at all last year because I am not longer on Facebook...and it was peaceful and depressing...I felt like I hardly existed, even some of the people who know and love me the best forgot to wish me well and I blame in mostly on FB, but also because I was sending such a vibe of being busy working and not caring about myself, that who would have known?
Last year, a lovely client of mine dedicated me a cupcake and a candle and sang me "Happy Birthday" at their celebration because one of my assistants let it slip that I was working on my bday and my client was super touched that I never once mentioned it and let them shine. They told me to make a wish and I wished for love.
They told me that they wished that, "I didn't have to work on my birthday next year," and now I don't because I was fired.
I know I should feel bad about being dismissed, but I have never felt so good about just being me.
I vow to live each day honestly, open, and positive. Ever since I did, my world is righting itself all over the place!
Sweet dreams,
R & F
Showing posts with label Fate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fate. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
When I Fall in Love
I remember being a little girl and hearing the song "When I Fall in Love" by Nat King Cole on the radio late at night just before I fell asleep in the backseat of my father's car on the way home from my grandparents' house.
Even then, I fantasized that one day, I would fall in love like this, so truly. I would dream about a magical time when I would dance with my future husband to this song and it would all make sense.....and now, 26 years later, it all does......
Lyrics:
When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
I have never been in love before Crush. I lived with someone for more than 2+ years and I just recently realized that I didn't ever love him. I was in love with the idea of love, but I wasn't in love with Awful. That is why I gained weight, was laden with anxiety, and fell into the worst depression of my life. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 months other than to use the bathroom and binge eat. I honestly contemplated suicide, that is how bad it got. I couldn't really open up to anyone (including my best friends and family) because I was so confused. If I admitted the truth aloud, it would make it real and I was ashamed that I had let it get this far.
I cannot believe I just admitted that I thought about killing myself, but I did obsess about it for a few days before I finally found the strength to move out. I tossed and tuned next to Awful (he snored like a bear and kept me up regularly) in the middle of the night thinking about how I would do it. I reasoned that maybe ending my life would be the easiest way to get out of this mess.....we had friends in common, family involved, and I had quit my job with the notion he would support me while I started my business....I couldn't see past the next minute.
One night as heslept snored, I went looking around the house for his guns, I just felt a compulsion to know where they were (he collected them and there were many under his roof)....While I scoured the house for the gun safe, my feet took me out back to the garage where I broke down and sobbed harder than I ever had in my life.....nothing was going to fix us. It immediately dawned on me that I hated Awful as a person, I had no respect for him and I never did. I found him to be immature, unattractive, rude, loud, forgetful, a sayer not a doer, and a drunk. He over promised and under delivered....he had all the qualities that I would never look for in a friend. I dispised him, actually.
I never went to bed that night and I collected my things and called my parents to save me the very next day. How grateful I am for them.
Upon coming back to my childhood bedroom, it became crystal clear that being with Awful was making me turn into a stranger. I couldn't identity with the person I became. A bad relationship can make you feel very unlike yourself.
I wanted love so badly, so deeply, that I lied to myself and to Awful. I have started to feel a bit bad about it, but don't worry, Awful didn't love me either. It would have been different if he did and I am okay with this, it simply wasn't meant to be. I don't know what is going on in his life, but I actually wish he finds what I have found with Crush. He is a person that doesn't live in reality (I didn't either when I was with him), so I am not convinced he will, but I hope he does.
I know that I am growing up and moving on because regardless of all the BADBADBAD that transpired between us (and I was no angel, we brought out the worst in each other), I am no longer angry. I needed to date Awful to find Crush, this was my destiny.
The lessons I learned along the way have only helped make this the most solid relationship of my life.
When Crush and I started dating, it was different. The "you just know when you know" saying about love is true. I HATED hearing that when I was single. HATED IT. Upon the first time I kissed Crush, rode in his car, and took a nap on his chest, I never really had a doubt. What we share is different, it is soul mate love, the kind of love one of my best friends explained I deserved and would have to wait for....she was right as always (SHE IS SO OFTEN RIGHT!).
The love I initially felt for Crush, knocked me over like a tidal wave. My body had never felt this romantic love before, this yearning, and this lust......I truly couldn't function for weeks. I was love sick. I couldn't eat. All I could do was drink Coca Cola, coffee, and drive around listening to music. I found my missing puzzle piece. The key to my heart. The secret I never thought I would discover.
I know I am a sap and I know sometimes this love mush must be annoying. I know this. I was the single girl who couldn't face attending a wedding alone, the person who ate entire pizzas instead of online dating, the chick who sobbed silently after leaving baby and bridal showers for her best friends because she was so conflicted....I was so happy for my friends, BUT, I was super sad and lost myself....
I was THE ONE who never thought she would have what everyone had found. I was the one that pretended to love Awful because it was easy. Because he liked me first. Because he was established. Because he is often the life (drunk) of the party.
I got to the point where I didn't even think I wanted love anymore.....it was too exhausting, too hurtful, too time consuming, too emotionally draining.
So, when I gush about Crush, I really want to share how important and crucial it is for every lady and gent (and ladies and ladies and gents and gents and everyone in-between) to never settle. The showers and weddings and gifts and companionship and relationship acceptance (being invited to couply things that you are left out of as a single) means nothing if you are living a lie (like I did with Awful) and not being true to your heart and soul.
The one for you will make you feel like no other, will make you gasp for air, will encompass you in this virtual blanket of warmth. Everyone deserves this. In your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and hopefully....100's.
The race isn't won at a certain age, every day the race is just beginning. When the sun rises you have the opportunity to do it all the same or different, the choice is yours.
I am signing off for the next few days as my Crush is coming over the weekend to meet the family. I have laundry to do, nails to paint, and legs to shave. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I will be back on Tuesday!
Thank you ALWAYS for reading and commenting, this blog and putting my feelings out there has changed my life for the better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming to visit.
Even then, I fantasized that one day, I would fall in love like this, so truly. I would dream about a magical time when I would dance with my future husband to this song and it would all make sense.....and now, 26 years later, it all does......
Lyrics:
When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you
I have never been in love before Crush. I lived with someone for more than 2+ years and I just recently realized that I didn't ever love him. I was in love with the idea of love, but I wasn't in love with Awful. That is why I gained weight, was laden with anxiety, and fell into the worst depression of my life. I couldn't get out of bed for 3 months other than to use the bathroom and binge eat. I honestly contemplated suicide, that is how bad it got. I couldn't really open up to anyone (including my best friends and family) because I was so confused. If I admitted the truth aloud, it would make it real and I was ashamed that I had let it get this far.
I cannot believe I just admitted that I thought about killing myself, but I did obsess about it for a few days before I finally found the strength to move out. I tossed and tuned next to Awful (he snored like a bear and kept me up regularly) in the middle of the night thinking about how I would do it. I reasoned that maybe ending my life would be the easiest way to get out of this mess.....we had friends in common, family involved, and I had quit my job with the notion he would support me while I started my business....I couldn't see past the next minute.
One night as he
I never went to bed that night and I collected my things and called my parents to save me the very next day. How grateful I am for them.
Upon coming back to my childhood bedroom, it became crystal clear that being with Awful was making me turn into a stranger. I couldn't identity with the person I became. A bad relationship can make you feel very unlike yourself.
I wanted love so badly, so deeply, that I lied to myself and to Awful. I have started to feel a bit bad about it, but don't worry, Awful didn't love me either. It would have been different if he did and I am okay with this, it simply wasn't meant to be. I don't know what is going on in his life, but I actually wish he finds what I have found with Crush. He is a person that doesn't live in reality (I didn't either when I was with him), so I am not convinced he will, but I hope he does.
I know that I am growing up and moving on because regardless of all the BADBADBAD that transpired between us (and I was no angel, we brought out the worst in each other), I am no longer angry. I needed to date Awful to find Crush, this was my destiny.
The lessons I learned along the way have only helped make this the most solid relationship of my life.
When Crush and I started dating, it was different. The "you just know when you know" saying about love is true. I HATED hearing that when I was single. HATED IT. Upon the first time I kissed Crush, rode in his car, and took a nap on his chest, I never really had a doubt. What we share is different, it is soul mate love, the kind of love one of my best friends explained I deserved and would have to wait for....she was right as always (SHE IS SO OFTEN RIGHT!).
The love I initially felt for Crush, knocked me over like a tidal wave. My body had never felt this romantic love before, this yearning, and this lust......I truly couldn't function for weeks. I was love sick. I couldn't eat. All I could do was drink Coca Cola, coffee, and drive around listening to music. I found my missing puzzle piece. The key to my heart. The secret I never thought I would discover.
I know I am a sap and I know sometimes this love mush must be annoying. I know this. I was the single girl who couldn't face attending a wedding alone, the person who ate entire pizzas instead of online dating, the chick who sobbed silently after leaving baby and bridal showers for her best friends because she was so conflicted....I was so happy for my friends, BUT, I was super sad and lost myself....
I was THE ONE who never thought she would have what everyone had found. I was the one that pretended to love Awful because it was easy. Because he liked me first. Because he was established. Because he is often the life (drunk) of the party.
I got to the point where I didn't even think I wanted love anymore.....it was too exhausting, too hurtful, too time consuming, too emotionally draining.
So, when I gush about Crush, I really want to share how important and crucial it is for every lady and gent (and ladies and ladies and gents and gents and everyone in-between) to never settle. The showers and weddings and gifts and companionship and relationship acceptance (being invited to couply things that you are left out of as a single) means nothing if you are living a lie (like I did with Awful) and not being true to your heart and soul.
The one for you will make you feel like no other, will make you gasp for air, will encompass you in this virtual blanket of warmth. Everyone deserves this. In your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and hopefully....100's.
The race isn't won at a certain age, every day the race is just beginning. When the sun rises you have the opportunity to do it all the same or different, the choice is yours.
I am signing off for the next few days as my Crush is coming over the weekend to meet the family. I have laundry to do, nails to paint, and legs to shave. I wish you all a wonderful weekend and I will be back on Tuesday!
Thank you ALWAYS for reading and commenting, this blog and putting my feelings out there has changed my life for the better. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you coming to visit.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Something in the Air
I am lovesick right now. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I listen to all of my favorite CDs and they have a different meaning. The sky is bluer, the laughs are deeper, the longing is mutual. I have never felt this way before.
I believe in all kinds of love. Practical love, buddy-buddy love so you don't have to be alone, infatuation masking for love, and the kind of love that is always not quite enough. I believe that love has phases like the moon or the tide. I believe that love can be reborn and rebirthed between two people. I believe that a love story truly has no end, that future generations represent the roots families put down in the name of love.
I think I have found my soul mate. The kind of love that I don't think most people get to experience. I just have a feeling. When you know, you know. I cannot believe this is happening to ME. I honestly thought I would never find what I was searching for. I pray that this is it for me. And, well, and I know if it isn't, then, this experience came to me for a reason, that I only deserve the very best for me.
My 20s were a roller coaster. I lived, I learned, I cried. I hurt people. I let people hurt me. I lied to protect myself. I lied to protect others. I put on a brave face. I observed quietly. I acted out. I let myself experience bad things. I felt guilt and pain when I did something I shouldn't have. I did for other people. I put myself last. I let pieces of my best self hide, so others could have their time to shine. I became a better person.
Crush did the same. He went through a lot and like me, he is also very lucky. He has a family that adores him, a close relationship with his siblings, faith, hope, courage, integrity, and drive. We are the same now, but years ago this wouldn't have worked, even months ago, our timing would have been off....now, there is only wide open spaces and the promise of everything I ever wanted: sandy kisses, salty skin, beach bonfires and sing alongs with best friends, comfort food, warmer climates, barking dogs, cozy beds, chubby babies, afternoons in shady hammocks under breezy trees, and rocking chairs on front porches. How am I so lucky?
This last week, I took a little break for me. I let myself feel. I let myself dream. I told Crush every secret, every embarrassment that haunts me. I took off my armor and I let myself become translucent. It's really a love story for the ages, we hardly know each other, yet he's already one of my best friends. He says, our souls have already met and I believe him. I am neglecting my clients, I am neglecting my body, I am walking into doors, spilling coffee, forgetting words. It's time to get back to my life with my new love. To make an effort to not let one over power the other. To blend these wonderful things together like the perfect cup of coffee.
It's time for me to share why I think Crush is my soul mate and I promise you, it's not just dumb luck......:
1. We both are the only people in the world that have our name. Neither of them are that weird, it just happened this way.
2. We both broke up with our significant others during the same month officially and then had several restarts and stops. We both did the walking away. More than once.
3. We both have only had one real serious relationship with the potential of marriage before meeting each other.
4. We both care deeply about what other people think, but in the last year, we have decided that we had to live our own lives for ourselves. We reached this conclusion independently.
5. One of his favorite movies takes place in my city and one of my favorite movies takes place in his.
6. He grew up in a town that is the same name as my maternal grandmother. His family helped establish that town many years ago.
7. We both had a grandfather that has the same name. We both only have one remaining grandparent living, a grandmother.
8. We both have ancestors that came from the same country and city even, before they immigrated here.
9. We both have several doctors in our families.
10. We share the same faith. We were both told at a very early age that marrying within this faith would provide the best and easiest life, to respect that hardships and fight our ancestors had to endure to allow for our existence. We both have parents that would have been sad if we didn't do this, but would have loved us the same anyway.
11. We both shared a room growing up with a sibling of our same gender. Our beds were configured the same way.
12. We both don't like fish. Like, I really don't like it and he hates it, too.
13. We both almost drowned when we were 3. Me at the beach and him at a pool. We both went on to be lifeguards.
14. We both have the same ideas about heaven and life's meaning and true purpose and destiny.
15. We were born in the same state.
16. He was born in the SAME hospital as Awful. The very same one in the same month, only a few years later. Crush and Awful have similar educations. They majored in the same subjects, have the same grad degree, and speak the same second language. They are also both fantastic writers and love history. Awful wasn't all rotten, just mostly.
17. I am from the same state that his ex is from. My sister now lives there.
18. We share the same favorite flavor of ice cream. It's really simple. We have both never had a new car.
19. The song "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong is a favorite of both of ours. It is my dad's favorite song and his mom's favorite song. My sister danced to it at her wedding with our dad. One day, I hope Crush and I can dance to it with all of our parents at our wedding.
20. We were both nursed as babies.
21. We both had cuddle bed sessions with our parents in the mornings when we were young.
22. Our parents read us the same bedtime stories.
23. We both had record players growing up and danced to music. Both of our parents did not encourage television.
24. We both went to overnight camp and loved it.
25. Our favorite Beatles song is the same, "Something", and when we learned this, we both said at the same time, "it's about Pattie Boyd" and then agreed that "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight" are also epic songs and she must have had some real strong womanly prowess.
26. We like the same music and music is very important to us.
27. One of my dreams has always been that I would marry a rock star. He sings and plays several instruments, he has already written me a song.
28. We talk about songs we like and then we hear them randomly on the radio. Rare songs, not ones that are commonly played.
29. Yesterday, 6 birds landed at my feet and stared at me. There were red breasted. Red is my favorite color. I am a bit scared of birds, but my maternal grandmother loved them and always believed that they are your relatives from heaven coming to see you. I told Crush and he told me that he wrote a song about birds years ago (he has a CD that he made with his bro for fun more so than anything else when he was in grad school) flying south. It is song number 6 on the disk.
30. We were both raised to respect experiences and not possessions. Both of our sets of parents were able to pay for our educations in full, no longstanding loans, in real time. We both know how lucky we are.
31. We are both claustrophobic.
32. We are both extroverts that need to be alone.
33. We love the same books.
34. We are both romantic.
35. We both love to sleep with our windows open.
36. He collects things. I only like one kind of comic (it involves Betty and Veronica) and he has a rare one from the very year I was born. He sent it to me. His favorite baseball team hails from the city my dad was born and raised in. Crush never lived there, he just always liked the team.
37. We are both better on the phone initially than in person. We both get tongue tied and act like fools when we are nervous. We were both ambivalent about dating for the most part. People always liked us and we were somewhat "meh" about it.
38. We both love children. We are both not ready for them yet and want to have time post marriage without them.
39. We both went to schools in towns that share the same name, but in different states. We were both in these towns at the same time (me undergrad, him grad). We both struggled a bit in school, but ended up working hard and getting good grades.
40. We are both very hard workers, we both work for ourselves.
41. We are both not too hot at science or math.
42. We both like to take long walks and exercise.
43. We both like shooting guns, but we both hate killing animals. Clay birds for us.
44. We both find great joy in making our families proud.
45. We both don't drink much.
46. We both love campfires and smores and sing-alongs.
47. We both have never been this honest with anyone until we met each other.
48. We both felt very supernatural things on the same date this spring. I was working and he was attending something that was the same kind of event when it happened....in a different state.
49. His mom has 2 brothers, just like mine.
50. The last time he spoke to his ex was on my mom's birthday. The very day I was supposed to be born. My mom had me C-section a week early because I was ready to come out of the oven, we are lucky we didn't have to share the day....Crush's mom tells him what she wants for her bday as does mine...it is always something small. They both say "having you in my life is a gift enough" when we ask them what we can buy them.
AND......and well, the list could go on and on and on. I look forward to adding to it. I could probably think of 50 more, if I didn't have to work.
So, back to work and walking into parked cars and laughing and crying uncontrollably....
Things can change when you least expect it. Every day is a chance for something amazing to happen....
I believe in all kinds of love. Practical love, buddy-buddy love so you don't have to be alone, infatuation masking for love, and the kind of love that is always not quite enough. I believe that love has phases like the moon or the tide. I believe that love can be reborn and rebirthed between two people. I believe that a love story truly has no end, that future generations represent the roots families put down in the name of love.
I think I have found my soul mate. The kind of love that I don't think most people get to experience. I just have a feeling. When you know, you know. I cannot believe this is happening to ME. I honestly thought I would never find what I was searching for. I pray that this is it for me. And, well, and I know if it isn't, then, this experience came to me for a reason, that I only deserve the very best for me.
My 20s were a roller coaster. I lived, I learned, I cried. I hurt people. I let people hurt me. I lied to protect myself. I lied to protect others. I put on a brave face. I observed quietly. I acted out. I let myself experience bad things. I felt guilt and pain when I did something I shouldn't have. I did for other people. I put myself last. I let pieces of my best self hide, so others could have their time to shine. I became a better person.
Crush did the same. He went through a lot and like me, he is also very lucky. He has a family that adores him, a close relationship with his siblings, faith, hope, courage, integrity, and drive. We are the same now, but years ago this wouldn't have worked, even months ago, our timing would have been off....now, there is only wide open spaces and the promise of everything I ever wanted: sandy kisses, salty skin, beach bonfires and sing alongs with best friends, comfort food, warmer climates, barking dogs, cozy beds, chubby babies, afternoons in shady hammocks under breezy trees, and rocking chairs on front porches. How am I so lucky?
This last week, I took a little break for me. I let myself feel. I let myself dream. I told Crush every secret, every embarrassment that haunts me. I took off my armor and I let myself become translucent. It's really a love story for the ages, we hardly know each other, yet he's already one of my best friends. He says, our souls have already met and I believe him. I am neglecting my clients, I am neglecting my body, I am walking into doors, spilling coffee, forgetting words. It's time to get back to my life with my new love. To make an effort to not let one over power the other. To blend these wonderful things together like the perfect cup of coffee.
It's time for me to share why I think Crush is my soul mate and I promise you, it's not just dumb luck......:
1. We both are the only people in the world that have our name. Neither of them are that weird, it just happened this way.
2. We both broke up with our significant others during the same month officially and then had several restarts and stops. We both did the walking away. More than once.
3. We both have only had one real serious relationship with the potential of marriage before meeting each other.
4. We both care deeply about what other people think, but in the last year, we have decided that we had to live our own lives for ourselves. We reached this conclusion independently.
5. One of his favorite movies takes place in my city and one of my favorite movies takes place in his.
6. He grew up in a town that is the same name as my maternal grandmother. His family helped establish that town many years ago.
7. We both had a grandfather that has the same name. We both only have one remaining grandparent living, a grandmother.
8. We both have ancestors that came from the same country and city even, before they immigrated here.
9. We both have several doctors in our families.
10. We share the same faith. We were both told at a very early age that marrying within this faith would provide the best and easiest life, to respect that hardships and fight our ancestors had to endure to allow for our existence. We both have parents that would have been sad if we didn't do this, but would have loved us the same anyway.
11. We both shared a room growing up with a sibling of our same gender. Our beds were configured the same way.
12. We both don't like fish. Like, I really don't like it and he hates it, too.
13. We both almost drowned when we were 3. Me at the beach and him at a pool. We both went on to be lifeguards.
14. We both have the same ideas about heaven and life's meaning and true purpose and destiny.
15. We were born in the same state.
16. He was born in the SAME hospital as Awful. The very same one in the same month, only a few years later. Crush and Awful have similar educations. They majored in the same subjects, have the same grad degree, and speak the same second language. They are also both fantastic writers and love history. Awful wasn't all rotten, just mostly.
17. I am from the same state that his ex is from. My sister now lives there.
18. We share the same favorite flavor of ice cream. It's really simple. We have both never had a new car.
19. The song "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong is a favorite of both of ours. It is my dad's favorite song and his mom's favorite song. My sister danced to it at her wedding with our dad. One day, I hope Crush and I can dance to it with all of our parents at our wedding.
20. We were both nursed as babies.
21. We both had cuddle bed sessions with our parents in the mornings when we were young.
22. Our parents read us the same bedtime stories.
23. We both had record players growing up and danced to music. Both of our parents did not encourage television.
24. We both went to overnight camp and loved it.
25. Our favorite Beatles song is the same, "Something", and when we learned this, we both said at the same time, "it's about Pattie Boyd" and then agreed that "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight" are also epic songs and she must have had some real strong womanly prowess.
26. We like the same music and music is very important to us.
27. One of my dreams has always been that I would marry a rock star. He sings and plays several instruments, he has already written me a song.
28. We talk about songs we like and then we hear them randomly on the radio. Rare songs, not ones that are commonly played.
29. Yesterday, 6 birds landed at my feet and stared at me. There were red breasted. Red is my favorite color. I am a bit scared of birds, but my maternal grandmother loved them and always believed that they are your relatives from heaven coming to see you. I told Crush and he told me that he wrote a song about birds years ago (he has a CD that he made with his bro for fun more so than anything else when he was in grad school) flying south. It is song number 6 on the disk.
30. We were both raised to respect experiences and not possessions. Both of our sets of parents were able to pay for our educations in full, no longstanding loans, in real time. We both know how lucky we are.
31. We are both claustrophobic.
32. We are both extroverts that need to be alone.
33. We love the same books.
34. We are both romantic.
35. We both love to sleep with our windows open.
36. He collects things. I only like one kind of comic (it involves Betty and Veronica) and he has a rare one from the very year I was born. He sent it to me. His favorite baseball team hails from the city my dad was born and raised in. Crush never lived there, he just always liked the team.
37. We are both better on the phone initially than in person. We both get tongue tied and act like fools when we are nervous. We were both ambivalent about dating for the most part. People always liked us and we were somewhat "meh" about it.
38. We both love children. We are both not ready for them yet and want to have time post marriage without them.
39. We both went to schools in towns that share the same name, but in different states. We were both in these towns at the same time (me undergrad, him grad). We both struggled a bit in school, but ended up working hard and getting good grades.
40. We are both very hard workers, we both work for ourselves.
41. We are both not too hot at science or math.
42. We both like to take long walks and exercise.
43. We both like shooting guns, but we both hate killing animals. Clay birds for us.
44. We both find great joy in making our families proud.
45. We both don't drink much.
46. We both love campfires and smores and sing-alongs.
47. We both have never been this honest with anyone until we met each other.
48. We both felt very supernatural things on the same date this spring. I was working and he was attending something that was the same kind of event when it happened....in a different state.
49. His mom has 2 brothers, just like mine.
50. The last time he spoke to his ex was on my mom's birthday. The very day I was supposed to be born. My mom had me C-section a week early because I was ready to come out of the oven, we are lucky we didn't have to share the day....Crush's mom tells him what she wants for her bday as does mine...it is always something small. They both say "having you in my life is a gift enough" when we ask them what we can buy them.
AND......and well, the list could go on and on and on. I look forward to adding to it. I could probably think of 50 more, if I didn't have to work.
So, back to work and walking into parked cars and laughing and crying uncontrollably....
Things can change when you least expect it. Every day is a chance for something amazing to happen....
Monday, October 1, 2012
Dream Come True?
My dreams have been so vivid lately. Beautiful. The kind that you don't want to wake up from. I have been sleeping in....not good.
The last time I had dreams like this on a regular basis was exactly a year ago. I was finding my personal strength to leave Awful and I had the most intense dreams. In them, my grandfather would come and tell me to "just leave, just go, I promise you it will be okay, I am looking out for you, just leave, just go." I had that same dream about 9 times before I got up and didn't think about things, about what I would be giving up, I just grabbed my bags and followed my heart right out of Awful's front door.
A few nights ago, I had a really neat dream. I dreamt that the Crush attended a wedding with me that was 2 and half years ago. In real life, I went with Awful. It was a fun weekend, a GREAT wedding. The wedding was for one of my very best friends, a person I truly adore. It took place in her hometown, one of my favorite cities in the world. It would have been better if Awful wasn't my date, everything always became about him and his drinking embarrassed me. In my dream, Crush and I were having a ball. I looked really happy and he was a great dancer and twirled me all night. I am sucker for a man that can dance. I told him about my dream and he told me that he LOVES to dance and he has taken lots of lessons, it's more of traditional thing from where he is from. I mean obviously, because I forgot to put that on my list, but really should have, did I mention...I LOVE to dance. A man raised right can dance if you ask me. Swoon.
Last night, I had another vivid dream. Crush wasn't in it this time, but I was again in the city that my best friend above got married in, in a hotel I love and stayed at with Awful a few times before. In my dream, I am primping to go somewhere. I am listening to my favorite CD ever and sipping a glass of champagne. I am not at my skinniest, but I am about 20 pounds less than I am now and if I do say so myself, I look beautiful. I am wearing one of my favorite primping garments, a long silk nightie with spaghetti straps....my nearest and dearest call it a Dynasty nightie and make fun of me for loving them, it is a very 80s look. My hair is long, my skin is crystal clear, my teeth and eyes are bright. I am really happy. I look like the person I am just starting to look like again after a real long time...I missed her. I put on my perfume and take a sip of champagne. I am in front of a gorgeous vintage vanity staring at myself in the mirror, smiling. Just as I start to apply my lipstick, I wake up.....
This morning, I received a text as soon as I got out of bed from Crush that read:
C: I dreamt about you last night.
R&F: You did, what happened?
C: I was somewhere I have never been before, I am not sure where, but I think a hotel. You were primping to go somewhere in front of a mirror. I was standing at the doorway admiring you, I am not even sure if you knew I was there. You looked so beautiful. It was taking me a lot not to muss you. You were putting on red lipstick. I love red lipstick. (SIDE NOTE: I do too, a little bit too much and ten years into my red lipstick career, I have just figured out how to wear it, I plan to offer some beauty product suggestions on this blog too, down the line, in my dream I was putting on my new favorite red, Nars Heat Wave.....).
R&F: I had a very similar dream. I just peed myself. I now have the chills and I am going to be late for a conference call that I require coffee for. Talk to you later. Don't forget your details. I need to hear ALL about it later.
And yes, Crush uses words like muss.
Pinch me.
The last time I had dreams like this on a regular basis was exactly a year ago. I was finding my personal strength to leave Awful and I had the most intense dreams. In them, my grandfather would come and tell me to "just leave, just go, I promise you it will be okay, I am looking out for you, just leave, just go." I had that same dream about 9 times before I got up and didn't think about things, about what I would be giving up, I just grabbed my bags and followed my heart right out of Awful's front door.
A few nights ago, I had a really neat dream. I dreamt that the Crush attended a wedding with me that was 2 and half years ago. In real life, I went with Awful. It was a fun weekend, a GREAT wedding. The wedding was for one of my very best friends, a person I truly adore. It took place in her hometown, one of my favorite cities in the world. It would have been better if Awful wasn't my date, everything always became about him and his drinking embarrassed me. In my dream, Crush and I were having a ball. I looked really happy and he was a great dancer and twirled me all night. I am sucker for a man that can dance. I told him about my dream and he told me that he LOVES to dance and he has taken lots of lessons, it's more of traditional thing from where he is from. I mean obviously, because I forgot to put that on my list, but really should have, did I mention...I LOVE to dance. A man raised right can dance if you ask me. Swoon.
Last night, I had another vivid dream. Crush wasn't in it this time, but I was again in the city that my best friend above got married in, in a hotel I love and stayed at with Awful a few times before. In my dream, I am primping to go somewhere. I am listening to my favorite CD ever and sipping a glass of champagne. I am not at my skinniest, but I am about 20 pounds less than I am now and if I do say so myself, I look beautiful. I am wearing one of my favorite primping garments, a long silk nightie with spaghetti straps....my nearest and dearest call it a Dynasty nightie and make fun of me for loving them, it is a very 80s look. My hair is long, my skin is crystal clear, my teeth and eyes are bright. I am really happy. I look like the person I am just starting to look like again after a real long time...I missed her. I put on my perfume and take a sip of champagne. I am in front of a gorgeous vintage vanity staring at myself in the mirror, smiling. Just as I start to apply my lipstick, I wake up.....
This morning, I received a text as soon as I got out of bed from Crush that read:
C: I dreamt about you last night.
R&F: You did, what happened?
C: I was somewhere I have never been before, I am not sure where, but I think a hotel. You were primping to go somewhere in front of a mirror. I was standing at the doorway admiring you, I am not even sure if you knew I was there. You looked so beautiful. It was taking me a lot not to muss you. You were putting on red lipstick. I love red lipstick. (SIDE NOTE: I do too, a little bit too much and ten years into my red lipstick career, I have just figured out how to wear it, I plan to offer some beauty product suggestions on this blog too, down the line, in my dream I was putting on my new favorite red, Nars Heat Wave.....).
R&F: I had a very similar dream. I just peed myself. I now have the chills and I am going to be late for a conference call that I require coffee for. Talk to you later. Don't forget your details. I need to hear ALL about it later.
And yes, Crush uses words like muss.
Pinch me.
Friday, September 28, 2012
The List
A year ago, I was told to make a list of the qualities I was looking for in my husband.
It was first an exercise to see if Awful, the man I was begging to marry me, was really the kind of person I wanted. He wasn't.
But, the list didn't tell me this because I only found the courage to write it about 3 months ago.
I was told to write the list by my mother, by one of my very best friends, by my sister, by the clairvoyant who completely changed my life that the best friend listed above just had a feeling I HAD to meet (more on that some other time).
I was told to put down EXACTLY what I was looking for. To let it all hang out, to not censor myself, to not worry about how it all "looked" on paper. As I have explained before, I care DEEPLY about what other people think, so of course this was hard for me.
And I started my list about 20 times and then I would cry (obviously) and become very sad and eat and then fall asleep in my crumb pile and I couldn't finish the list completely.
I didn't want to write the list because the list felt so superficial, so final, so choreographed. I have a short attention span. I sometimes feel claustrophobic and cooped up committing 2 hours to watch a movie....
But, then I went to my favorite place in the world with some of my favorite people in the world. I spalled out on the beach and I made my list and it made me feel so free. Really giddy and light headed and almost drunk. I then copied the list and sent it to a very special person in heaven and I have a feeling he received it (more on that some other time....I PROMISE).
The LIST:
1. Soulmate love/same religion as me (Jewish)
2. Taller than me (I asked for 6' and over)
3. Brown or black hair
4. Any color eyes (I think ALL eyes are beautiful in their own way)
5. Big hands
6. Broad shoulders
7. Masters degree or higher
8. Straight teeth
9. Kind
10. Sensitive
11. Stable job, earns a good living
12. Does not drink or do drugs regularly (special occasions are fine and welcome, let's celebrate!)
13. Good listener
14. Respects downtime
15. Respects privacy
16. Doesn't embarrass me
17. Likes to explore: take long walks, bike ride, wander cities and countrysides
18. Doesn't smother me
19. Can be quiet
20. Will join me to see the world
21. Will think I am beautiful
22. Will not give me a body complex
23. Faithful
24. Good morals and values
25. Appreciates music
26. Has an active lifestyle, works outs
27. Ready to get married
28. Ready to have children
29. Loves me, not just the idea of me
30. Doesn't need to be popular or cool
31. Will be my best friend
32. Will complete me
33. Will push me, will challenge me
34. Will open me to new experiences
35. Will admit fault
And, and....Crush seems to have so many of these qualities and I am getting so optimistic....for example: he is way more into my own religion than I am, but I asked for faithful (#23), he doesn't seem to have tons of friends, but I asked for someone who doesn't need to be popular or cool (#30), and he plays several instruments (#25)....he also works out daily (#26), wants to have kids pretty soon (#28), has a masters (#7), is soft-spoken (#19), and loves to travel (#20). He's tall too (#2), but I could have really let that one go if I needed to.
Maybe sometimes, sometimes, you really do get what you wish for.
And even if this isn't anything and NOTHING happens, I am just so happy that what I want is actually OUT there. These kind of guys do exist.....it's just being patient enough to find them. If not this one, then the next one, or the one after him, but he IS coming, I know it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)