Thursday, May 30, 2013

I Can't Breathe and Lots of Random Reflection Upon My Birthday

I have been having quite a week....

It hasn't been a good one.

My birthday is coming up this weekend and I am exhausted.

All of the goals I wanted to accomplish this year, many of them simply didn't happen for me.

I am okay with this.

I am okay with the current trend of failure that is occurring in my life....I see it all as a sign that I MUST leave.  I knew this 6 years ago.  I felt it then.  And I stayed.

My walls have crumbled.  I feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my entire life.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  College fat is now a goal of mine.  I want to be college fat because it will be thinner than I am now.

I like to really tangle things up good before I accept the things I have always known...including that I will never be able to achieve my greatest successes in a place that I do not feel comfortable living.  Among the gossip, slander, and hatred that I will never understand.  And yet, I know that this badness exists everywhere.  I know this.  But, I have the chance to start-over.  To redefine myself.  To press the reset button.  It is like the summer before college ALL over again.  EXCITING.

I have halfway fallen in love with myself this year and it is confusing.  To love me, I cannot love all of the other people that I have allowed myself to be tricked by....because I am so different.  My values, my morals, my want for something better.  So, some days I wake up hating myself.  I hate myself for still letting myself be emotionally affected by people I will never respect.  Wash and repeat.  Every single day.

It isn't just high school BS holding me back.  It is the fact that I feel like I am hiding out.  From Awful.  From former clients.  From former school mates that have houses, cars, and husbands while I am living at home.

There is one particular person I really don't want to see.  She lives mere blocks away from my parents.  I HATE HER.  I have always considered her a frenemy....Now, when I think I see her in her car driving....I switch lanes, pull over, make u-turns....FOR WHAT?  She is the idiotic fool and yet I am the one hiding myself.  WHERE IS MY SENSE?

My anxiety and stress are ballooning.  I feel a tight constriction of life strangling me with every sunrise.  Months ago, I couldn't sleep at all and now sleep is my only salvation.  I can't get enough sleep.  When I wake up at 6:00 am, I negotiate why I need to stay in bed until 9:00 am......I haven't slept like this EVER.  In my dreams, I find the life I crave.  I truly believe that happiness is around the corner.




Because truly inside I cannot figure out if I even care or not and this is most confusing of all.

There is a saying that no matter how old you are, when you come home, you will always be a child and I FEEL that.  My parents are the BEST, but still......I am nagged to pick up my room, encourage to eat what my Mom and Dad are having for supper and them shamed for not going to the gym each and every day regardless of my schedule.  There are trigger foods in my home that lead me to binges, yet I cannot keep my parents from bringing these foods into their own home....BECAUSE IT IS THEIR HOME and my father has changed so much since he retired, that he wouldn't understand the emotional issues I am having with food, even if I screamed them into his ears with a megaphone.

He used to be there for me, always.  Now, he is tired of me.  His mother is taking away his patience.  I wouldn't want to be him for a day...having to deal with her.  I get this.  I feel for him.  I am not a child.  I have to get my own shit together, too.

If I stayed here, in the Midwest, I believe I would eventually become unable to leave my home.  I would crumble.  Fall apart.  Reach 300 pounds before I knew it.  I now see life differently.  I see how people cannot get out of something they are stuck in and yet, I have been gifted with the 1 way ticket out of this pit.  I am lucky.

Just getting up and getting out is a constant struggle.  I do it, I do not let people down, but it is becoming a tug of war with my soul.  It is becoming something that I can no longer take for granted....just like how my clothes in my closet used to fit and now they don' life feels like it belongs to someone else these days.  My coping mechanism is saying the amount of days I have left here until I leave. I repeat the number like a ritual.  It gets me through my days.

The visit with Crush was fine.  Not that eventful.  Good.  I cannot relax here in this city, so our visits are always better down south when I am not protecting myself so closely.  He frustrates me terribly, but who doesn't these days?  I know it is me, NOT him.  I am the one having severe issues as of late and accepting my crazy instead of passing it onto to him is major progress in itself.  

I have reached my breaking point.  Yet, I have WONDERFUL people to help this summer and then I will be on my way out of here and towards a better life.  My goal for this summer is to simply survive, to be the BEST worker I can be.  To not worry about my weight as I don't see myself being able to commit to it in this uneasy emotional environment for me.  I have accepted this.  I will cope.  One foot in front of the other until the numbers of days left to chant is 0.

Yet, I want revenge.  There....I said it.  I want blood sucking revenge on a few people and I intend to get it.  Like a lady, but I will get it.  And the fact that I am even sharing this makes me seem like an unhinged freak....but, hell....perhaps I am.  I am a steel magnolia.  I may look like I lay down and play dead and get walked all over, but that phase of life has ended.  Sorry, if you want to make it public and personal, then it will be public and personal from my side, too....especially if you owe me money for my time.

Please understand that a man cannot fix everything.  There I said it.  I know I wanted Crush to be my everything.  My life preserver in this wild sea of change.  BUT, I have to save myself first.  Love, money, a big diamond ring....none of that will ever make me feel whole unless I am whole on the inside.  And I will have all that.  And where I am from, those things: the money, the big ring...that determines who wins.  SICK.  BUT TRUE.  And in those ways, I will win.  But, none of this matters to me anymore....and it once did.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I kinda dated Awful for his money.  Because that defined him and made him more attractive to me.  His money presented opportunities and I liked them.  HATE ME.  I get it, but I am not lying.  Yet, Crush has so much more than anything Awful did and I am over it.  I wish Crush had less, so we could live a bit of a simpler life with less expectations and obligations.

Where I want to win is by being a good person.  An honest person.  A real person.  A kind person.  A person that can actually do all she says she will do.....

I think this is where I am conflicted these days.  AND I KNOW BETTER.  I have been thin before for little blips and whenever I would slip into those size 29 jeans and strut around like a little proud peacock, I would get this sense of "that's it?"  All of the deprivation, hours at the gym, self-obsessing and hatred....that's it?!  Yes, of course being slim feels fucking fantastic, but not mind blowing.  Just okay, really after the novelty of it wears off.  Because 155 pounds or 210 pounds, I am still a bit broken on the inside and this may be my life struggle.  Not fixing my outside, but fixing my inside.

So, yes, Crush's love gets me through my days.  The promise of tomorrow and September and all that jazz.  But, he is just a man.  Just a person and like me, far from perfect.  He is the one for me, but now that I found him, he is not my entire identity.  He is not what defines me.  I am still me.  I am just no longer single.  

I HATED when I was single blog reader and a blogger who I once identified with so much would find a significant other and all of a sudden there was no longer darkness and only LIGHT.  Everything was sunshine and roses.  AMAZING.  Moonlight strolls and sex on the beach.  I was her for a little bit, too.

Now, my honeymoon period is over.  It is.  I think this is where most people stop with the honesty.  Because they don't want to admit that what they yearned for is not all they hoped it would be.  You can still be head of over heels in love with someone and have bad days, weeks, or months.  I met my prince charming and I am still fat, broke, and anxiety-ridden. I am still struggling.  I am still conflicted.

On this birthday (in a few days), I give myself a gift that I never have before....the ability to be myself.  I hope this will be the gift that keeps on giving, until I am old and gray....To say, do, and feel whatever I want.  I give myself the permission to be sad, happy, lonely, or accept failure and to learn from it.  To eat ice cream for breakfast if that is what my body is truly craving.  To have good days even if the scale is not where I want it to be.

This last year, a client that fired me (a miserable person who I should have NEVER agreed to work with....I felt like I HAD to because I helped several of her friends, but it was a bad fit from the very start and I am happy I didn't continue, my biggest mistake was accepting them or not firing them first and this haunts me....) told me that she doesn't know how I can "wake up in the mirror and look at myself because I am such a terrible person, a liar, a con-artist, a fraud."  She told me, "I will never make it in life, never amount to anything" that I will "die unhappy and alone and broken" and all I could think was...YOU.  You are this person.  Not me.  You are projecting your life onto me.  Your divorce, your failed relationships, your fading beauty.

This conversation has taunted me 100s of times a day.  It has.  It has given me doubt.  It has led me to rush to the toilet and vomit sometimes when I think about it at the gym where my mind really wanders.

It was my rock bottom.

Because none of the things she said are true.

If anything, it was my goodness and heart that she will never understand because she is the example of the kind of person I can never help: vapid, stupid, self obsessed, jealous, cunning, and insincere.

And yet, she fascinates does a person like her get the power to make me unhappy?

This is something I am still working on....

Friday, May 24, 2013

Feeling Nervous

Crush is coming to town tonight.  In the middle of rush hour on a holiday weekend.  On the flight I specifically asked him NOT to take because I will sit in no less than 3 hours trying to go 40 miles to get him and that doesn't include the ride after he joins me in the car.  Get me OUT of this city....NOW!  PLEASE!!!!!!

There is a reoccurring theme unfortunately....Crush's inability to hear what I say sometimes....or maybe it is just me?

Sometimes these days, I think it is me.

I feel that as I am changing, maybe the things I say....I am not really staying correctly, or maybe I am not explaining things well.....sometimes Crush makes me feel crazy....but, I know why and I will share it later on in the post.

There is a thin line between love and hate and I want to stay on the love side of things!

This week, I didn't love Crush more than I did last week.

I feel like in our relationship thus far, every second since I met him, I have loved him a bit more.

I almost think about my love for Crush as a graph...with the line going up and up from week to week...but this week...well, my love for him stayed the same.


Is the honeymoon over????

Crush is FRUSTRATING ME!  He still doesn't have a plan for where we will live next year and it keeps going back and forth from the city to the country.  Flip-flopping.

No regard for my career search which I already started or the fact that I need to find a way to support myself next year, too.

After 1 week of almost hourly back and forths and over explanations of Crush's future psoriasis flaring the worst it ever has from stress, and gaining 5 pounds from eating every single second instead of calling him and telling him off.....

I decided, I am moving to the city.

With OR without him.

It is what I wanted to do anyway.  The original plan.  And we can still get engaged and just not live in the same place..... Crush has a place to live in both towns and since we won't be living together before we say "I do"....I don't have anything, yet...(I KNOW...we could just live together, BUT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO and I made that mistake before with Awful...I cannot move in with someone would be insane for me though I know it works beautifully for many people including my parents and even Sissy!).

We are 3 1/2 months out from my move and I don't have the time to wait.....sorry, Crush....I am moving across the country for you....the 55 mile difference between city and country isn't my biggest concern anymore....that seems close compared to nearly 1,300 miles of distance from here to down South.

I need a good job.  Something I will be proud of.  A position that can integrate me into the city. And unlike him, my family cannot just create a roll for me....he is lucky, he is.

Crush doesn't mean to be selfish, but he is.  Sometimes he will talk about himself for 30 minutes before he asks me a single question about my annoys me.  But, up until Wednesday, I never even thought to mention it.  To point it out...

Now, what I briefly mentioned above...the WHY is Crush the way he is?

Well, I have skirted around this issue a bit and I now feel like I have a better grasp on explaining it.  Crush has a processing issue.  A learning disability.  It seems like a real legit bad case of ADHD or ADD (I am not a doctor....).  The messes, the inability to plan, the needing extra time to do anything, the impulsive decisions that aren't always the best....

I think it was undiagnosed for far too long.  I don't know how anyone missed it as I picked up on it from the very first long email he sent me.....I thought...."wow, this guy is super smart, but his organization and sentence structure..hmmmmm, he is very hard to follow..." and this comes from me....a person who isn't even a great writer (I am not fishing for any compliments, I truly know that my grammar needs HELP!)...

I asked Crush if he had any learning issues before we even met, to take the pressure off of him to feel the need to overcompensate.  I don't know how it wasn't "discovered" until he was in the midst of failing horribly in a masters program?!  The fact that he graduated from college with honors without time extensions baffles me.  It hurts my heart to say this, but I think he worked EXTREMELY hard and since he has family connections, he could have glided through better than most with his same condition.  I read his final thesis and considering where he went to school (a school considered FAR better than mine) it wasn't what I would consider an "A", but what do I know?!

Crush has manners and is gentile, so that covers up a lot of awkwardness, but the truth is that he is horrible in social situations and as I have explained before, without a lot of knowledge about how the world works, sometimes.

His protected and charmed life has helped him pass-on through easily, but in many ways, I know I am helping him "see" how to relate and react to people.  I am teaching him how to ask questions and make casual conversation.  1 of the first parties I went to with him I noticed that he socialized by moving around the room and telling every single party-goer the same exact story.  Once he passed the general pleasantries of "how are you?", he went right into a tale of how we almost got robbed (tis true) and how I saw it before he did (again true), but the story was highly dramatic and inappropriate for the happy occasion we were celebrating.  When I told him that I thought perhaps he could practice listening and not talking AT people (I can be guilty of this too!) was a total revelation for him...all of his life, he has been getting through his countless social requirements by repeating a story he prepared to share before he makes me tear up just thinking about it AND I have MAJOR social anxiety myself.  It was his coping mechanism.  He doesn't have many close friends (he has TONS of distant friends though) because he doesn't know how to open up, to share, to relate, to listen.

I know I seem like a bitch right now.......but, well.....but...

I am not THAT excited to see my boyfriend this afternoon......I feel rather "whatever" about it.  It is scaring me.

I went out for coffee with a male friend yesterday and he looked sexy to me in a way that he never has before and I am all WHAT IS HAPPENING!?  I had to tell myself...."GET IT TOGETHER!!!!"

Yet, I know what is happening truly on the inside....I am scared.

Time is getting closer to when I leave and I know that I may be engaged in a few months and it seems SO I never thought anyone would want to marry me and now someone does and I always sabotage....I always don't let the goodness find me....I fuck it up before I can get to that final good spot.

I get so close to greatness and I let it go.  I like to fail.  I don't know why.  But, I feel like I don't deserve success even though I KNOW NOW I DO.  This is a baby relapse, but a step back nonetheless and I want to own it.  To realize that it is happening while it is happening in real time.  To not let the quicksand suck me tempting it can be.



Yes, my boyfriend has faults, but overall he is a winner.  He is ALL I ever wanted.  He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.  Crush is my soulmate.  I know in my heart.  99 percent of the time, nothing in the world makes more sense than our love.....

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, unlike Awful, I am not telling you this to convince myself, I truly believe it.

It is time for me to get to the gym, to shave my legs, to pack my lingerie for the long weekend, and to appreciate that someone loves me for ALL of my flaws ....which are NOT few and far between.

If you made it here...thank you for reading that roller coaster post. I didn't know where it was going until it came to a dead stop and here we are.


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Smoothie Snack

I am super late to the smoothie trend.  I know people out there in Cyberland have been photographing their smoothies for years...tons of recipes, too....I am not a trendsetter with the smoothies...

I promised myself that I am going to Trader Joe's later to stock up on frozen fruits, yogurt, and spinach and I will be getting CRAZY myself with the they really are a great way to get nutrients and liquids in and are super low in WeightWatchers points when done right because most veggies and all fruits are now 0 points on the program.

I just had to tell you a really easy and simple way to get apple cider vinegar in, if you are so inclined to try it.  It is the best!  Since the ACV is an appetite suppressant (at least for me), drinking one of these smoothies leaves me SUPER full and it is a super easy beginner smoothie for the inexperienced like me  and also a yummy and filling treat for breakfast, a snack, or dessert.


- 1 cup skim milk

- 5 ice cubes

- 1 frozen banana
(I like to freeze mine overnight and then microwave it for 10 seconds before I cut the peel off)

- 2 Teaspoons chocolate syrup OR 1 packet of hot chocolate mix (ANY KIND...sugar free or regular) OR for an EXTRA thick shake = 2 Tablespoons of instant chocolate pudding mix (ANY KIND...sugar free or regular)

- 1 Tablespoon of sugar or 1 packet of sweetener (ANY KIND, I am just not doing sugar free anything anymore )

- 1 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar (Unprocessed with "The Mother" in it)...if you are scared, just start with a teaspoon!

- Dash of vanilla extract

- OPTIONAL: 1 Tablespoon of peanut, cashew, or sunflower butter for protein


- Put all of the ingredients in the blender on low for 20 seconds.  Check consistency and if needed blend for a bit longer.

- I like my smoothies like milkshakes, so I avoid high unless I am breaking up veggies in there.  The frozen banana gives it an ice cream-like consistency when not over-blended.


- Get yourself a Cool Gear Cup.  Mine keeps my smoothies super cold and yummy.

- I like to stick my cup empty without the straw and lid into the freezer for about 10 minutes before I make my smoothie.  After I make the smoothie and pour it into my Cool Gear, I put the smoothie and cup back in (without the straw, but with the lid on) for another 3-5 minutes.  This helps the smoothie stay really thick and cold the entire time I enjoy it!


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Going Country

I have recently become such a country music fan.

Like obsessed.

I have always enjoyed country music a little bit, but not like this......

I blame it on the fact that when I visit Crush, there are no less than 8 country music stations to listen to....whereas here there is just 1 because every station is pretty much rap/hip hop/top 40.

Top that off with the fact that Crush doesn't even have a CD player (an iPod hookup in there will never happen) in his car (he is currently driving his Grandmother's old car and someone claimed the CD player from his family), so we can either listen to tapes (which Crush HAS) or the radio. Seriously, Crush has never downloaded music and doesn't know how to use an iPod.....this is humorous because I am the MOST technology limited person I know and I seem like Steve Jobs compared to him.

So, country music has found a place in my heart.  From all of the hours in Crush's car down South, I now prefer listening to music about tan lines, jean cut-offs, ponytails, pickup trucks, moonlight kisses, tailgates, cold beer, and homemade wine than listening to music about screwing some ho, big booties, orgies, VIP sections, and strip is all shocking as I used to love listening to hip hop even mere weeks ago, but lately it just annoys me and I can't even get into in at the gym, the one place that it always inspired me to move my own big booty.

Also, I am loving popular country music which is pretty mainstream, so I am not going to tell you anyone you don't know (which I suppose makes me super unoriginal): Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, Kip Moore, Jake Owens, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, Lady Antebellum, The Band is basically modern Southern Rock in my mind...and I need to listen to my 42 song country play list no less than 4 times a day.

The songs I like remind me of summertime in my teens and 20's.  They were always wild and they were always drunk, but sometimes the best nights were sweet.  Just hanging out with friends, laughing, listening to music, and seeing if there was the small possibility that someone cute may come along and catch my eye.

Monday, May 20, 2013

A Weekend in Review and Apple Cider Vinegar

I had a very emotional weekend this past weekend.

I could NOT figure out why I was so blue until I looked at the date and realized that I was supposed to be working, but it was an event I was fired from....Even though I was SO SUPER RELIVED.....I also slugged around feeling like a bit of a failure...

On the plus side, I have been in a great workout place lately which I am proud of.  Not obsessed, just balanced.  I have been visiting the gym 4-6 times a week and on days I do not make it there, I do a 30 minute free weight routine while I watch Hulu on my works!  4 years ago when I was actually the thinnest I have ever been (around the time Sissy got married I got down to 160 pounds and a solid size 10 which is small for me!), I did my free weights everyday while watching Bravo and it was the weights and not just the Spinning that really helped the scale budge.....

I had to think back to what worked for me in my decades of dieting and working out and I HIGHLY recommend a little light weights (I lift 5 pound weights at home and then 7.5 - 10 pound weights at the gym) for maximum shrinkage.

Saturday, I went on a 35 mile bike ride with my Dad.  How awesome is my Dad!!!  He will be 65 next month and he is in terrific shape which I never give him credit for.....he can ski 10 days in a row out West and bike for miles and miles and he is a great role model because the man has NEVER been a member of a gym!  Dad loves activity and found sports he enjoys and tries to do them often.  We are bike buddies and even have the same bike!  When I was a baby, my Dad would put me on the back of his bike (the original baby bike seats that were on the back and not the front of bikes like they are now) and I actually remember getting too big for my baby bike seat when I was 3 and being REALLY is one of my first memories!

Dad and I rode to a little town we love to make our rest stop because it is full of quaint cafes, bars, and ice cream shops.  He gets a beer, I get ice cream and we sit and chat with lots of other people enjoying life and it always puts me in great mood...which I needed.  On Saturday, Dad actually asked me to slow down a few times which means I have been improving!  Since I have been training for my upcoming Century (100 mile) ride in October, I have upped my pace from 12-13 miles an hour to 14-15 miles an hour and Dad likes to ride a bit more leisurely...made me feel great as those hours in the gym are paying off.

After the bike ride, Mom, Dad, and I went out for burgers and it made me really sad as I remember the time (even up to 2 years ago!) when I would rather be hanging out with many other people than my own parents, but now I am just so blessed and fortunate that spending a day with my family is what I look forward to most.  I am REALLY going to miss them.  Being away from Mom and Dad will be my biggest transition I am anticipating out of everything.

Yesterday, I had an AWESOME workout at the gym, caught up on email, and ate a massive amount of sushi for dinner....again perfection!

Before bed, Crush and I had a wonderful chat about the future and I am feeling much better about EVERYTHING.   I realize now that my issues with the money are simply because of how Awful treated his trust (yes, this is the second man I have dated from family money and with a trust fund), and Crush is so different: generous, better with money and seeing the future (Awful loves to SPEND and Crush loves to SAVE), and Crush's commitment to his family and past and future investments are much deeper than Awful's.  Crush wants to leave something for the next generation whereas Awful just wanted to buy tons of motorcycles!  All will be fine and I need to stop worrying and start functioning.

Apple cider vinegar time....:

You may not know this, but ACV is an amazing cure-all for many things: acne scars, indigestion, weight loss support, and most importantly for psoriasis relief!  Again, I love TRYING so many things, that I often forget what works best and ACV has always topically helped my skin...even though it can stink!

I began researching it again after a particular itchy few weeks from stress and I learned that ingesting it has wonderful properties that many many many people truly believe in.

ACV has the power to re-adjust ph levels in the body and purify toxins.  So.....for the last 2 weeks, I have been drinking 2 AVC drink mixtures a day.  1 after breakfast and 1 in the evening.  I make mine by mixing 1 TBSP unfiltered AVC (Heinz and Braggs are good need the kind with the "Mother" in it as it has the best healing properties) with 16 ounces of seltzer water and 3 ounces of natural (I like either Newman's or Simply) lemonade.  After a few days, I have been actually craving this little drink....yes, it is an acquired taste and the ACV is STRONG, but after I have my ACV, I experience a surge of energy and I do not feel hungry for a while....YAY!

The ACV is acidic, so I drink mine with a straw and brush my teeth after I finish it as I don't want the enamel on my teeth to weaken anymore than it already has (my 7 year diet soda addiction....4-7 cans a day...was not kind to my teeth!).

In the 2 weeks since I started my ACV, my skin is clearer (psoriasis and complexion), my hair is shiner, and my nails are longer and stronger!  I love trying natural solutions over anything else and this is a keeper!

Also, I have a scar on my tummy from my plastic surgery and I read that the ACV breaks down scars and in 2 weeks, I have seen a MAJOR difference to my scar (softened, reduce in redness)....that in itself is reason enough to try it!

Here is a link for the helpful uses for ACV and if you can handle the smell.....TRY IT!

If you have psoriasis like I is another link for you!


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Popcorn Passion

My Lean Pockets addiction is under control.  The cure is pretty simple....I can no longer have Lean Pockets near me....too tempting.  I ate 4 of them in less than 24 hours and I could have eaten another 400 if they were around.....Lean Pockets are now in the category of foods I can NEVER be left alone with which includes: pizza, Cheetos, Wheat Thins, string cheese, granola bars, pasta, ice cream, pretzels, and cereal.

Sadly, I don't even like all of the above that much (besides pizza, ice cream, and Cheetos....THOSE I ADORE!)....just when I am around them, they trigger me.

Popcorn on the other hand, is something I can trust myself around.  Yes, sometimes, I pop 2 snack sized bags, but it is much better than eating an entire box of Wheat Thins.

My popcorn obsession began in college when it was a very safe and low point option when I first did WeightWatchers.  Now, since the WW program changes just about every 2 years, it is not that friendly, but still a better salty snack choice when I really need something crunchy (AND A CARROT WILL NOT DO!) which is just about every afternoon.....OY!

Enter Orville Redenbacher's Natural Popcorn Lime & Salt.   I know it sounds weird, but it isn't.  Mexican food had a lot of corn based delicacies and salt and lime are often used to emphasize flavors.

I get mine at Wal-Mart.  It is sometimes a bit tricky to find at the grocery store and Amazon (the link I provided) has it, too.

YUM.  This stuff is perfection for me.  Salty, crunchy, a bit feels super bad, but it isn't THAT bad.  A single serving bag (a large portion, more than a 100 cal bag) is 6 WeightWatchers points and some days it is so worth it for me.

I find this popcorn tastes a lot like the lime and salt chips from Chipotle.  I go to Chipotle for a burrito bowl, but really in my heart for the chips because I ALWAYS have to get them and a bag of those babies without even guac are too many points to count....

Whenever I have dieted before, it has always been about deprivation until now.  I am finding better success when I swap something I love for something I love that is less calories, but equally satisfying.  For me, this popcorn works.  Hope you will love it if you decide to try it!

Friday, May 17, 2013

What Goes Around Comes Around....and Porno

After I posted yesterday about potential, all of my jobs, and how Crush is lucky and perhaps under motivated......I have done nothing all day besides eat Lean Pockets, procrastinate, take some Xanax, do 30 minutes of lethargic cardio at the gym, and pick 4 fights with my boyfriend.

The truth ain't always pretty.

Perfect person I am not.

Anyway, something odd has happened in terms of this blog.  I rarely check my page views as they average to be something that can often be counted on my fingers, but since Wednesday, something is up.....

I have been viewed WAY more than 9 times and the sources seem to be bringing hits over from pornographic websites....which must just be a new something technology driven that I will never understand because I haven't watched any porn on this computer (I use it for business mostly and it is too risky as I can hardly control tabs and windows as is)....

I mean, I didn't even watch the Teen Mom Farrah Abraham (her "leaked" porno personal sex film for her own reference and collection) trailer that I was a bit curious about....

So, if weird ads about sex toys start popping up, I will figure out how to proceed even though I have no idea how to even get an ad up on a versed I AM NOT.

Now, I have to be nice to my boyfriend and try not to eat anymore Lean Pockets....seriously, they are SO DELICIOUS!

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Processing the Big Picture

Hi friends!

I have missed you!

I have been working and working out and lifting weights and sunning my psoriasis in limited doses (it really helps it go away and another reason why I can't wait to go South...sunshine and saltwater!!!), and daydreaming about life in less than 4 months!!!!

I have also been processing.

I feel ill even typing what I am about to share, but I feel like I can't start censoring now.  I have come too far with my honesty....please don't judge me.  PLEASE.

So, potential.  Yes, I need to address this.  Because it has been bothering me.

I didn't work up to my potential.  I should have worked harder in high school and college.  I know this. I could have been more.  I should have achieved better career-wise.  I want to go back to school for a masters degree for this very reason.  To prove that I can for myself. I was so smart, top of my class, until I was 15 and fell apart from self esteem issues.  It has haunted me.  My parents thought I was destined for the Ivys until my sophomore year of high school.  I let them down, but mostly, I let myself down.

School jazz aside, I am proud that I have always had a job since I was 15.  I was a babysitter, lifeguard, waitress, bartender, bar-back, restaurant hostess, camp counselor, pizza maker, swim lesson instructor, receptionist at a dental office, vacuum cleaner saleswoman (NO JOKE and a great story as I just learned that it was actually a drug ring and I had NO idea when I worked there), and a nanny all before I graduated from college.  I had all of these jobs for a while until location made me have to leave them.  I always excelled at my positions, often got promoted, and never had a problem picking up things quickly.

I accepted my first real job within 3 weeks of leaving my college campus.  I interviewed for 4 jobs and were offered all of them (it was a different time before the recession).  I have never not been asked back for a second interview.  I am great at work (well, up until rather recently when some people have not actually seen my potential, but that is okay, too!).  Work is one of my strengths.

Crush on the other hand, was in school until 26.  Then, passing big exams and licensings.  He never worked a job until he was 28 years old.  It was a job that he didn't even have to interview for.  He once worked for a few weeks for a family friend while pursuing his masters and then once went out on a job interview for a potential position, but was not offered it.  His experience is limited.

Crush is simple in some ways.  I had to teach him how to tip.  I had to teach him how to speak to servers (unless you have worked at a restaurant or had friends or family do have no idea how hard it can be), and how be patient at restaurants...he would ask for water, bread, and wine from the hostess before we were even sat at our table and visited by our read as rude, but he had no idea that it wasn't correct as he often had people serving meals in his own home growing up.

I had to explain how hard work is for most because he honestly had no idea.  Sometimes.....I think Crush either lived under a rock until he met me or was brought to the year 2012 (when we met) in a time machine or a spaceship.

I feel weird sharing this, but Crush is supported mostly by his family.  He is being groomed to take over one of their several businesses.  I am being supported by my family too right now, but not exactly in the same way. I am saving money while I live at home.  I cover all of my expenses, the folks just don't make me pay rent which is awesome (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!).  It isn't exactly the same as generous and as awesome as my p's are.  Hell, I am spoiled's all relative I suppose.

I have always had a job though and even if I am not the best has been a part of my life.

Crush really doesn't make much money on his own...I just learned about this, this week.  It is less than I ever made in my corporate jobs and it surprised me a bit.  He was born into a really good life.  I don't know numbers, but I know that he has more savings at less than 35 than my Dad ever will (my dad worked for the SAME company for 42 years!) and that is just the tip of the iceberg...there will always be more, much much more.  It will come over the years.

Yes, I have to sign a prenuptial agreement.  We have discussed this.  It is simply how his life is.

It is not my is from all of the generations and generations before him.  It is hard to get my head around it and I am weirded out by it.  It keeps me up some nights.  It makes me nervous.

I am glad I met Crush online and he never told me any of this until way into our relationship when I started putting things together and realizing that his own work experience and life experience would not have been able to produce what he has.

I would love him even if he had nothing and in some ways, I think that he would be better developed and more of a man if this was the case....if he had to work like most of the rest of us do in life.

So, my boyfriend hasn't ever had to work up to his potential because the objective of making money was never really forced.  Yet, he is frugal (sometimes alarmingly so) and great with money and investing.  He is resourceful and not wasteful and genuinely kind and charitable (even though he thought 5 percent and not 20 percent tips were okay before he met me....SORRY to all of those hard working servers out there....please don't spit in our food when you us out for dinner!).  He has a heart and soul that is so pure and good, it astounds me sometimes.  He was raised right in many ways. He wants to live little and save big.  To not take advantage of what was given to him...I respect him for this.

I am helping Crush finish a few things he started and be a bit more hands on with his own life.  He wants to be.  He does.  No one allowed him to be. But, I know his folks (who I do adore) perhaps thought he would develop differently.  Be more of a man seeing how he was groomed (prep school, great college, good masters programs)....yet, it didn't all click for Crush somehow.

Crush wants to know how to do certain things around the house, how to be better at work, how to treat clients...he isn't entitled...he is the opposite.  His sheltered life makes him seem simple sometimes. He is the most literal person I have ever met. Almost oblivious to modern life.  I doubt anyone, but me, knows how smart he really is.  I could see people thinking otherwise and how that can hurt him business-wise.

I believe that people in a good relationship bring out the best in one another.  I know Crush and I were brought together to be the greatest we can be as a team.  Crush has made me patient, even tempered, sweeter, less vulgar, and kinder.  I have learned to stop and smell the honeysuckle and enjoy a cup of coffee without text messaging.

In return, I have helped him learn some life skills, join the year 2013, offered him confidence and support.  I have taught him how most other people live.  He is different and very blessed and he never knew it, not really.

I want Crush to work towards his full potential.

Not for money.

Not for my own personal gain.

I want Crush to be fulfilled by his own interests because I know he doesn't see the greatness I see in him yet....because he was never really forced to develop on his own.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Grandmother Does Not Always Know Best

Yesterday, I spent the morning with my Mommy, cousins, and my aunt and uncle.  We celebrated Mother's Day with lots of cake and presents celebrating my youngest cousin's 3rd birthday.  It was such a lovely brunch and I realized just how much I am going to miss this family.  We weren't always super close growing up (my oldest cousins are 12 years older than me), but ever since I graduated college, I see them often and always look forward to it. They are all super accomplished, but down to earth, fun, and excellent company to enjoy way too much wine with!

After brunch (in my case too much frosting!), Mom and I headed to see my Grandmother.  My Dad (it is his mom) went out east to see Sissy and the babies for Mother's Day.  My parents like to take turns going out there, so they can give Sissy the most help possible, they are very kind like that.

Grandmother was her usual bitter self, but it was the good deed of the day.  She deserved a visit because she gave birth to my Dad who just happens to be one of the best gents around.

During our visit, Grandma, spoke at us and NOT to us.  She likes to do this.  Grandma is very upset about her life and the way it turned out.  It breaks my heart.  She didn't love her life.  She now tells us that she didn't love my Grandfather (who I miss dearly and who I believe had a major influence setting me up with Crush...I was closest with him and my mom's mother out of all of my grandparents).....

She is starting to reinvent the past to fit her theories.  She tells us that my Grandfather didn't want my Dad to go to college (FALSE, my Grandfather was SUPER proud of how smart my dad was and encouraged him to work as hard as he could, so he could get an academic scholarship and my Dad did just that) and that my Grandfather died with tons of money that is in a hidden account (FALSE, he died with almost nothing and my Dad supports his mother entirely and pays for her living facility and caregiver and both are EXTREMELY expensive and she shows no Dad could put her in a nursing home, but he doesn't want to do it since he has some money saved).

My Dad has become very depressed since retiring and losing his father because he feels obligated to see my Grandmother every day and every day she sits and tells him these huge tales and it hurts him.  He has started to fight back and he wasn't raised that way (to disrespect his elders), so now my Grandmother feels like he is taking my Grandfather's side and come on.....let my Grandfather rest in peace....he died still married to her.  Why is she SO ANGRY????

The truth is that my Grandmother has never been a happy woman.  She is the type that needs conflict to feel control.  She was born to a very wealthy family and was raised a much higher class than my Grandfather was raised.  She felt superior to him.  Her father died suddenly of a heart attack at age 50 in the midst of the Depression and he had lost their fortune from making a bad investment a few months prior to his death....they were left with nothing.  My Grandmother had to work to support her family at age 15 and her mother had a nervous breakdown.  She married my Grandfather at 24, but now tells us that she could have married better, that she was forced to be low class....she married him out of desperation and for shelter.

Listening to her is exhausting...especially because you cannot dispute her stories.....

Everyone in my family loves Crush, including my Grandmother.  Oooooohhhh, I do have to applaud Grandma for her tirades on Awful, I even have to admit that she gave him some good digs....and once referred to him as a troll which wasn't nice at all, but is not far from the truth.

She told me that Crush is everything she ever wanted yesterday.....she said, "Your fellow is what I should have had.  He is tall, handsome, kind, gentile, and upper class.  He is really a good find.  Do whatever you can to marry him.  Do not let him get away.  You will never ever do better.  Trust me.  You are aging.  Is his family okay with your weight and class level?  They must see through it because you are Jewish, so with all of this intermarriage at least you have that going for you...."

I just sat there and.........laughed.  I know it wasn't perhaps the best reaction, but my Mom and I looked at each other and had a full-out giggle fit.  Her words are just words.  I cannot let them bother me because it isn't worth it.

Weight-wise, I do have to work on it a bit, that is true...but I am not morbidly obese.  Class-wise...I cannot even get into this lunacy...yes, Crush's family is very established, but they are not unapproachable and my family also (including MOST of my Grandmother's nieces and nephews) has tons of kind, successful, professional people in it....I do not know what she is talking about it....

Then she left me with this nugget of wisdom:

"Get thin, so when they say bad things about you, at least they will not be calling you fat.."

HIGH SCHOOL!  OMG, my Grandmother is a mean 11th grader.

Yesterday, all of my lessons that I have been living became fully formed.  My Grandmother helped me see that without happiness, life is not worth really living.

Finding that happiness is a personal mission and what makes one person happy cannot be said about another.  Everyone needs to find their own destiny, their own calling, their own good place for them.

I am going to be everything that my Grandmother couldn't be because I plan to die happy.

It won't be just because of Crush (he will of course have a lot to do with it, but not EVERYTHING).

It won't be just because I may have money.

It won't be because I am a size six.

If I am blessed to live until 94, I will be happy because I was given the miracle of life and decided that life is too short to dwell on what went wrong.

What is important to recall is what went right.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

To all of you wonderful mommies, mommies to be, and honorary mommies out there:

THANK YOU for giving life, for being part of the biggest miracle, and for putting more love out into this world.

I wanted to wish a very happy day to my mommy, my grandmother, Sissy, and my best friends who are all mostly mommies (I am going to have lots of great mommy suggestions when Crush and I are hopefully blessed ourselves one day)!

I also wanted to give a huge virtual hug to all of the bloggy mommies I love across the Web.  I love reading about your children and they are lucky to have mommies like you.


Thank you mom for being the most incredible mom in the world.  You have loved me more than I could ever really thank you for.  You wanted me.  You supported me.  You never gave up on me.  You allowed me to pursue my dreams.  You nurtured me.  You taught me life lessons.  You encouraged laughter, ice cream, and being natural.  You always had an open door and open arms. You convinced me of my potential.  You also MADE me date again when you knew it was time (those motherly instincts...) and I met Crush!  YAY!  Even if we fight, even if I say things I don't mean sometimes, even if I don't show how much I appreciate you enough...please know how grateful and lucky I am to have a mom like you. I aspire to be a parent like you one day.  You have shown me the best love, so now I have the greatest love to share.

I hope tomorrow is full of laughter, lattes, flowers, cupcakes, and lots of hugs and kisses (my perfect Mother's Day shall one day include the above).....

Thursday, May 9, 2013


Remember when you were little and there were do-overs in life?  If you knocked the ball out of bounds in 4 square, or messed up the steps to your dance routine, or sang the wrong words to your made up could just do it over?

Well, my life is getting a do-over.  I am getting to reset it in 4 months and it feels so good.

Plans have changed.  Crush and I will be moving to his hometown and not the city he lives in next fall and I am super excited.  This makes next year a bit easier because transitions are generally hard for me.  Instead of moving to the city for a year, to only move to the country (for me country, it's a town of about 45,000) once we are married; we decided to move to the country after we get engaged and still live in separate residences (I will not technically live with him before marriage after the Awful mess) while we work on fixing up a family home there that we plan to live in (thank you Crush's family and Crush!!!!!) post marriage.  I will get a job there (there are a few options I am entertaining) and then I won't have to quit something after just a year.

I can't complain.  I am blessed.  I am lucky.  I am getting my man and a home to call my own all in the same year.  Words will never be able to express my gratitude.  This is better than I ever dreamed my life could be and it is just the beginning.

I have never felt at home where I live.  My anxiety is sky high.  Lately, I wake up and count the days until my new life begins.  I have been telling my mom that I will be reborn the day I leave this city and I will never look back.  She agrees.  As soon as my father's mother passes (she is 95 and lives in assisted living), my folks are planning to move out to be closer to Sissy and me.  My parents are New Yorkers, they have never felt right living in the Midwest either.  They hate the values and most people (they do have some great friends) and it made growing up here hard because my parents generally felt like everyone was a sheep following the herd of stupidity.

Sissy told me the other day that she loves being able to just go to the grocery store, the bank, the gym, and out to dinner without worrying about her weight, her clothes, or defending her life story.  Like me, she HATED high school and most people here and aside from her wedding day (which was here and mine will be, too, because it is easiest for my family and I have connections), she never had her best days living here.  I can say the same.

In September, I get to be the me I dreamed.  I get to live in a town that my boyfriend's ancestors were an integral part of developing.  I get to work on updating a home that my boyfriend's family designed and built many years ago.  I get to be a part of small southern history.  I will join the synagogue that my boyfriend's great-grandfather helped commission.  I will leave the past behind.

I will never have to worry about seeing Awful.  I will never have to worry about seeing clients that fired me or were unkind to me.  I will never have to worry about not being pretty, skinny, rich, or smart enough.  I will just get to be me.

I am not running away, but I am walking briskly with my head held high.  I never wanted to be here after college anyway.  I just love my family too much to be far from them.  I needed to be close to my folks and my beloved grandfather (who is now deceased and his widow is 95 grandmother) and Sissy (even though were weren't close at the time) after school.  I knew if I didn't come home, I would miss them too much and now life is allowing us to all be different places that we like better and not too far away from one another.

Crush and I are even designing a bedroom for my folks in our new home, so they can come and visit whenever they want....If my parents want to someday live with us full-time, they are more than welcome to!  It would be the least I could do to thank them for getting me back on my feet after I was so broken 18 months ago and giving me the strength and courage I needed to be my best self.  They have been my best friends and confidants while I dealt with the end of my old life (Awful), the transition (ending soon), and the beginning of my dreams (life with Crush down South).

I never believed in the happiness or love I am experiencing.  I didn't think I would be capable of finding what I needed.

I just didn't think it was in the cards for me.

I don't know how to express that enough.

I am not the person that brags that life is easy, that I can eat what I want, that I have infinite money.

I have dealt with verbal and physical abuse, a food addiction, crippling depression and anxiety, hiding from my problems with excessive alcohol, and being a giver giver giver without ever being a taker. I have been stomped on, mocked, and belittled for just trying to be kind, sincere, and good.  I have psoriasis, I have stretch marks, and I have cellulite.  I hate drinking water (I gag it down), not eating pizza is a daily battle for me, and I get insecure about my body on an hourly basis.

I am a person.


 MY LIFE SUCKED for a long time.  I had to move back in with my parents (people never seem to let me forget this, so I own it).

I know LOSER has been associated with my name all too often in the last few years.  Awful told me specifically..."people think you are such a loser for moving back home, it embarrasses me that I ever dated someone who can't stand on her own 2 feet."

But the joke is on him and ALL of the people who laughed because I didn't go into debt to save face and now I met my soul mate.

Do-overs are even better at almost 32 than they were at 7.

Now I appreciate that a do-over is something that cannot just be given, it is something that you actually have to work hard for.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

It Can All Change SO Fast

Yesterday as I was chatting with Crush about the kinds of engagement rings I like....yes, we are having these conversations and much of it is because I want a replica of my mom's ring.  I feel like her ring is always the ring I looked at when I was little and thought "how beautiful, this is how a ring should look."  My mom let me wear it when I would play princess dress up and she inherited it from her favorite aunt who could not have children (her diamonds were her "babies"), so the ring is significant.  My mom offered me hers (BECAUSE SHE IS THE BEST), but Crush wants my mom to keep hers because he knows it is special to her and get me my own very much like my mom's.

I am over the moon because I know that having a ring just like my mom's will make me feel very close to her, always.  One day in a million years, when she cannot be here, I can look at my hand and know that she is with me.   I love symbolic things and the truth is that my mom's ring is so super classic, it is hard to find and not at all "in" right now (only one major jewelry house has it and not on a band I like and both Crush and I are too practical to seek jewelry from a name brand fancy place), so he will most likely have to design it and he is excited about it and also needs to borrow my mom's ring, so I think this will all be happening soon when our parents meet down south in a few weeks.

As we chatted yesterday about my engagement ring to be, I burst out in tears.  I couldn't help it.  I never thought that I would ever be having this conversation.  That someone would want to buy me the ring I want and love.  I have never been treated so kindly by anyone I have ever dated.  It is still a bit surreal to me and I have to pinch myself sometimes.  I would be happy with nothing.  I really would.  I have conditioned myself through my past relationships to be disappointed and go on smiling and think "I am not like other girls, so the things that other girls get, are simply not mine to have."  I really operate on other people's happiness.  Getting to be a bit more selfish lately and only doing what I want, it has been a total change for me and not the easiest thing.

Between us, I could just wear a simple band and call it a day and it would be fine.  Crush is my best thing, jewelry is just a symbol of love and I have actual love.

As I was sobbing about it, Crush told me that he wants me to proud and excited every time I look at my hand, so he will get me what I truly really want and he is happy and really looking forward to doing so, because he waited so long for me.  He said, "Now that you are here in my life, my dream girl come to life, these things like rings, I want you to have what you always dreamed of.  I know you are the kind of girl that doesn't need everything and you are fine being practical (true....I drive an old reliable car I love, I shop at TJ Maxx on the regular, I love sales, I am not into trends and when I spend on clothes, shoes, and purses, I only choose classics that will last forever) and a ring for you is something I have been thinking about realistically for a long time and I am prepared to purchase, so just relax and tell me what you love, because I know you have specific taste and hate surprises".......ALL TRUE!  He knows me well!!!

I got off the phone with him and had to lay down.  I had to tell myself that this is really happening, that this is not a dream.  I found my love and I deserve this.  I am a good person.  I always wanted something that seemed so out of reach, but now I am getting it because I believed.

This time last year, I hadn't met Crush yet, I was going on terrible dates, I was living at home (still am!), I was feeling lonely, sad, and without a true plan.  Some days I couldn't get out of bed.  BUT, I did still have hope.  There was a force pulling me through.  When I felt like I had to give up, I had a small support system urging me on and making me try.  And I did.  I tried.  And fate led me miles and miles and miles away to Crush.  And now I will leave and I don't think I will be back that often.  I plan to start over in many ways.  To be the best person I am and never could be here.

Now, I have never felt more confident about anything in my entire life.  Our life plan is being put into motion.  We have our families support behind us and I am super grateful about it all.

So much can happen in a day, a week, a month, or a year.

You just never really know what will happen...

It is one of the most frustrating and most hopeful things about life.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


I have always believed that signs come in 3's.

I have received 2 signs thus far and I am not looking forward to the third.

But, I am preparing myself mentality for the possibility......

This weekend, I attended a charity event with my mom for a wonderful organization that a dear vendor friend of mine sits on the board for.  As we were collecting our place cards, I saw Awful's name on an uncollected place card and my heart starting beating a mile a minute...."Mooooommmmm......look, SHIT!!!!  What if we see him??????  OH NO!!!!  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Mom, do you think it is him?????"

She reassured me that Awful has a super common name and not to get all worried.  If we saw him, we would be kind ladies.  We would avoid mentioning anything personal like Crush or my move because we don't want bad energy and we would stay super positive and warm.

In all fairness, Awful is charitable and gets involved in many causes, so the chance of seeing him there was not at all impossible.

Phew, we NEVER saw him.  Must have been a different one, he was too hungover to make it (great possibility), or we didn't spot him as there were 500 people in attendance and his height (he isn't vertically gifted) makes him harder to spot than most.

THEN, yesterday, I was catching up on the Sunday NY Times and there was his name AGAIN! This time as a part of a pair in the weddings section.  As my eyes traveled to the photo, I prayed that it was indeed him and he was married, so the past could really truly be in the past.  The chances of him being married aren't totally off.  He proposed to his first wife 7 months after meeting her and they were married soon there after and then divorced less than a year after that.  He is impulsive with everything is his life, BUT ME (THANK GOODNESS!!!!).

We also do have mutual friends in common who I believe he still sees, so if he ever did ask about me, there is a possibility that they could have told him I was dating someone seriously and moving.  The reality is that Awful is one of the most competitive people I know.  He needs to win.  He needs to be richer, smarter, and funnier than anyone else, since he can't be taller, handsomer, or nicer.....Remember, this is a man who slept with someone 6 days after we officially broke up and perhaps cheated on me more than once (verdict still out on this, BUT I know, regardless of what happened, he spent time inappropriately with women while I was not present during our relationship)....quality person he isn't. wasn't him.  It was just another man with Awful's name.

Still......what are the chances????

You see, it was almost 1 year ago when I saw the clairvoyant who predicted Crush and the promise of a better life.  She wrote out Awful's exact name letter for letter and told me to stay away forever, to never look back.  I haven't spoken to Crush for a year next month, I haven't emailed with him for almost 10 months, and I haven't seen him for 15 months and counting.

Since I am out of here FOREVER (WHOOT!) in 4 months and counting, I do believe that a chance meeting with Awful could be on the horizon....AWFUL possible news....bleck!

The universe is trying to tell me something....I can FEEL it.  Let's just hope that this is just a couple of coincidences.....I already hide out as best as I can, so I don't have to see him.....but, I cannot control everything!!!

Monday, May 6, 2013


Today at the gym, a lady was working out braless.  REALLY BRALESS.

I am not talking about a workout top with a built-in bra.

I am not talking about fake breasts that don't move.

I am not talking about a situation that doesn't require a bra because it isn't that strenuous.

This woman was wearing a thin gray (transparent) t-shirt.  She had natural full C cups (lovely breasts really), complete with erect nipples.  You could see every inch of her breasts.  It would have been less revealing if she just went topless...really.

She was doing full out cardio (running fast on the treadmill) and then tons of weights and lunges in her bouncy state.

I could not stop staring.  Neither could anyone else.  I watched 2 personal trainers move their clients mid-set to another part of the gym to avoid the distraction.  I witnessed an old man switch his
StairMaster,  so he could get a better look at her goods.  I saw many women, too many women.....laugh, point, whisper, and open mouth stare about it.

I have no idea why this lady chose to do this, but it looked like she was enjoying the attention.  She wasn't covering herself up, she was focusing on her body in the mirror, and she was doing very interesting stretches that showed off her full range of flexibility.

As much as I am confused about her choice (as I can't see that as being comfortable),  I applaud her for clearly not caring what anyone thinks.  She sure caused a stir.

I remember years ago, when I was in my early 20's, I wouldn't wear a bra either when I would go out on the town (I ALWAYS WORE ONE TO THE GYM!) and it was super freeing and I also didn't really need one....I remember the feminine power I felt showing off my body.  I haven't felt that confidence in years.  I haven't been proud of my shape and build for far too long.  I looked at Ms. Lost Her Bra as a sign from the past.  OWN IT.  BE YOU.  DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY (even if this includes no bra).  WHO CARES WHAT ANYONE THINKS.

Today, after showering post-workout, braless lady turned into naked blow drying her hair lady in the middle of the locker room.  The woman is very free, clearly.

I wish to one day be as confidant as she is with my own body (meaning: I will think about my body as well as she thinks about hers), but...I still don't think I will do a braless bounce on the elliptical or apply lotion spread eagle on the locker room floor....

To each their own!

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Playlist #2

Here is another one.....a little over an hour.  Again, super random, but it will go fast, I promise!!!

1.  Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys (WARM UP)

2.  Just Dance by Jamiroquai

3.  London Bridge by Fergie

4.  Hips Don't Lie by Shakira

5.  In Your Room by The Bangles

6.  Glorified G by Pearl Jam

7.  Rosa Parks by Outkast

8.  Two of Hearts by Stacey Q

9.   S.O.S by Rihanna

10.  Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado

11.  Burn For You by Kreo

12.  Sexyback by Justin Timberlake

13.  Bound for the Floor (Copacetic) by Local H

14.  Perfect Gentleman (Just Because She Dances Go Go) by Wyclef Jean

15.  You Make Me Sick by Pink

16.  Heartbreaker by Mariah Carey

17.  Fascinating New Thing by Semisonic

18.  Set Adrift on Memory Bliss by PM Dawn (COOL DOWN)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Playlist #1

One of my fav readers, Jennifer, from Belclaire House (AWESOME BLOG!) asked me for a sample playlist that I use for workouts.  YAY!  I have been making a new playlist almost everyday for my biking training sessions, so I will share some of them from time to time.  Here we go and please note that my taste is random and this is for an endurance ride (upbeat aside for warmup and cool down), so great for any cardio workout.  This particular list is a bit over an hour and it goes super fast, I promise!!!  Enjoy and I will share more soon of all different styles.

1.  Feelin' Love by Paula Cole (WARM UP)

2.  Empire State of Mind by Jay Z featuring Alicia Keys

3.  Beauty and a Beat by Justin Beiber featuring Nicki Minaj

4.  Ready To Go by Republica

5.  Vivrant Thing by Q-Tip

6.  Dancing On My Own by Robyn

7.  Slave 4 U by Brittany Spears

8.  All Summer Long by Kid Rock

9.  What's Your Fantasy By Ludacris

10.  Buttons by Pussycat Dolls

11.  Elements by Lindsey Stirling

12.  In Da Wind by Trick Daddy

13.  U + Ur Hand by Pink

14.  Jump by The Pointer Sisters

15.  Shake Your Tailfeather by P Diddy, Nelly Murphy Lee

16.  Father Figure by George Michael (COOL DOWN)

Going to jam it out in the gym to this list myself right now!

Friday, May 3, 2013

Making My Workouts Work

Years ago, I fell in love with Spinning when I joined a new gym to get in shape.

Spinning (real Spinning classes are harder to find than you think and are only offered in Spinning certified studios.  Some gyms use this program, but most don't as paying for the Spinning brand and educating instructors is pricey) is NOT cycling or biking or anything else it may be called at most gyms.

The gym I joined just happened to have the real thing and I quickly became obsessed.   In less than a year, my body looked the best it ever has and I was down 30 plus pounds.

Then, I moved in with Awful, got depressed, changed gyms because my old one was a bit harder to get to (especially in city traffic) and tried the biking (not real Spinning) classes there....I was less than impressed.

The same story can be repeated 5 times.  NOTHING has ever come close to the AMAZING classes I took at the gym I loved and even some of the Spinning certified studios (I always try multiple classes at each location I try to see if I can find an instructor I click with if the overall offerings are not what I expected) I have tried are blah....BUT, there is a Spinning certified studio in the new city I am moving to and I have tried several of their classes and THEY ARE EXCEPTIONAL.  I actually cried during one because I felt like I was transported back in time 5 years when I first fell in love with Spinning...everyone, but the instructor, thought I was insane.

It really is very fitting that the only Spinning classes I love are in my new city....because it is truly my favorite place in the world.

So, for the last 4 years, I have made excuses to not workout as I should because I love Spinning, but cannot find classes that even compare to my first experience with it.  I was trying to generalize that the past success I accomplished was ONLY because of Spinning and NOT because I was working out hard on a daily basis.  DUH.

2 weeks ago, I walked out of a cycling class at my current gym.  This is the first time I have EVER done this....BUT, the instructor was talking all about her vacation and playing such songs as "Purple People Eater" and "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" and I was about to throw my water bottle at her because I am intense when I work out.  I don't talk, I focus, I want to sweat.  I take a class, so I don't have to think about anything, but the way my body is feeling.  I don't want to hear about the crab legs at the all you can eat buffet and play any music you like, but at least play something with a beat....

I reason that leaving was better than going to jail for assault for throwing an object at a stranger.....

And then it hit me....

I can play my own music and ride a Spinning bike on the cardio floor of my gym (my gym has Spinning bikes that you can clip into in common areas and not just the studio...I wear bike shoes during class) which happens to be open 24 hours a day.  No more excuses.

Since then, I have been making my own play lists and I have been riding daily.   I have been looking forward to the time I get to spend on the bike, sweating the day out, and listening to all of my favorite music.  I have been to the gym 10 times in the last 14 days.  I know the scale will be down this Monday as it was last, I can feel my jeans getting looser already!  When the weather finally agrees to be Spring, I will bike outside, too (which I love), but there has only been 2 nice days around here and I worked both of them, so inside will have to do for now.

Recently, I decided that I am ready to commit to a goal on my bucket list that I have been wanting to accomplish for 5 years.....da da dah......

I will be riding a Century, an 100 mile bike ride, in October.  The race is close to my new city.

I started in on training program and accomplished 30 miles in 95 minutes today, so I am right on track according to my guide.

I work well with a goal in mind and I think 100 miles may just be that!


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The S Word



Crush and I are in a bit of a tiff.

Lately, he keeps talking about how skinny everyone is.  It is really triggering me.

I feel that little voice inside me.  Calling me.  Tempting me.  "Starve R&F.  See how long you can restrict your calories so Crush will say you are ALSO skinny."

Every bout of dieting until this last one which I started BEFORE I even met Crush, was because of a comment about my weight by a man.  Every single time.  For me diets start after insults.  Therefore, I have not been able to lose weight because I have never done it for me.  For my health.  For my needs.  I did it so men would call me skinny and MOSTLY, so no one would call me falsely pregnant or fat.

But, I am fat now.  Fluffy.  I am for me and I am okay with it.  I have a boyfriend who loves me.   I have been to the gym the last 6 days in a row.  I have been on WeightWatchers on plan for nearly 3 weeks.  I am feeling good.  I want to be thinner, but I don't want to be skinny.

Crush cannot stop:

"Your friend Lynn is skinny"

"Your sister is so skinny after 2 kids"

"Your cousin is skinny and has such toned arms"

"My mom wants you to try to set my brother up, but she says he only likes skinny girls."

Today shit hit the fan.  While discussing my cousin above, he told me in passing "you are so much bigger than your cousin."

I am.  She is 5'0" and I am 5'10".  She is in a skinny phase of her life.  She is under tremendous pressure.  Crush doesn't know anything about her.

I went NUTS.

Because I have a feeling his mom is telling him that I am great and beautiful, but that I should lose weight, especially if we are to be married in the near future.  I often have these delusional fantasies about my weight and what people say about it negatively....but, I can read Crush like an open book.  I KNOW him.   I also know how important thin is to his family and how his sister lost 40+ pounds for her wedding and in my opinion took it WAY WAY too far as she looked gorgeous before (and the excessive weight loss took away from her beauty) and I think she felt she needed to be the absolute skinniest she could EVER be, so no one could call her fat.....I know how it feels to be told that, "you have such a pretty face, BUT..." SUCKS!

I asked him directly about all the skinny stuff and why he can't stop commenting on it and he is hemming and hawing and said he loves me just the way I am which I believe.

The only thing Crush is guilty of is that he is a TOTAL momma's boy and his momma is an excellent person, but I think she was brought up in fear of being fat, so it is ingrained in her.  Anything over skinny, so even normal weight, is fat to her.  I have noticed that she talks about food, her weight, and other people's weight a lot. Crush has no idea about healthy food and unhealthy food.  He is lucky he has such a great metabolism.  He is clueless when it comes to diet and nutrition.

My fear isn't as much about me.  I just don't want that skinny talk in my home, especially if we have daughters.

My Sissy fights it on the daily as her mother-in-law has food issues and is very particular with what my sister puts in her kids mouths...they once got in a fight because she didn't want Big Baby to have strawberries because they have sugar.....OY!

Nothing in life in perfect.  Even the best ones have something.  I think this will be our little struggle and I am staying firm and fat (ish)...literally.