Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 1

Oh yes....this happened.  The Sociopath was a real sociopath, like diagnosed.  He had no grasp on reality.

You don't think I found my current dream gent by always dating winners, did you?!  Well I didn't.  Crush is the first healthy and balanced relationship I have EVER had.  He is the first man I am publicly proud to date.  I want to introduce Crush to my friends and family.  I want to show off his photos.

In my 20's The Sociopath was the WORST of the bunch I dated, but he wasn't so different from the other men who came after him until I met my Crush.  They were all slight reincarnations of each other: men who I thought were below me, who I tried to boss around and control initially, who eventually brainwashed me, broke down my self-esteem, and controlled my every move.  

The player always got played.

Let's rewind and start at the beginning....

When I was 24, I had never had a real boyfriend.  Was a virgin?  No.  Had I had a few short lived fauxmances?  Yes. I had "loved" many who hadn't returned the favor and vice-versa.

I met The Sociopath through a frenemy from childhood.  Frenemy and I were always "friendly", but never really true friends.  She is the type of person who is extremely competitive, always out for herself, and likes to see other people fail.  I don't know why I trusted her opinion with men...I remember asking her if Socio was alright and she told me he was.....another prime example of not trusting my instincts.

The Sociopath was 13 years older than me.  He LOVED to drink and do drugs.  I was so personally immature at the time that I saw no issue in the fact that a 37 old man went to bars and stayed out until 2:00 am nightly, 5-7 days a week.  I didn't find him particularly attractive either.   I also thought I was much smarter and more successful than him.... At the time, I guess I liked that he wasn't shorter than me, never called me fat, and bought me drinks and shots.  I had VERY low standards.

He told me lie after lie.  I knew he was lying to me on the inside, but I believed him, too.  I just didn't want to process the truth, I wanted to party....I wanted to float through my reality, too, to numb my self-esteem issues and silence my self-doubt.  A few examples of his lies for good measure:

He told me that he played baseball on a scholarship in I found out that he only attended one semester of college and flunked out and NEVER played baseball.

He told me he was I found out he was several hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including massive gambling debts.

He told me he was madly in love with of the reasons why we broke up was because I found out he was dating an 18 year old, the ENTIRE time we were together.

The Sociopath lived in an alternate reality.  I think a lot of this was because he was adopted by a lovely family and had 4 sisters who were all biological and not adopted.  He fell right in the middle of the bunch, he was the only male, the only adopted child as I mentioned, and he felt like the odd man out always.  When he was super wasted, he would discuss this and often cry and throw things.  He had a wicked temper.

He drank and drugged almost every single day.  He worked 8am-2pm for a family friend off the books and then drank for 12 hours.  I would meet him out around 6:00 pm after my work day and he would already be wasted.  Then we would stay out, black out, order late night pizza, and wake up in our clothes...we would often be late for work.  He was a terrible influence for me.

Some facts I ignored were this: he didn't have a credit card, he was a slob, he had drugs in his freezer, his phone would sometimes be turned off without warning, he would disappear for 24-48 hours at a time, he never wanted to hang out with my family or friends, he had all of these "friends" that he would buy drinks for and pretend to be rich for and never knew their last names, he was best friends with a man who was recently divorced with several children and a complete cocaine addict, he had a family friend around his age check in on him daily (like make sure he was alive and had food),  and everyone seemed really worried about him...

At the same time they were ALL super happy that we were dating......

I liked feeling wanted and purposeful and that I had the ability to save someone so lost.

I felt like I NEEDED to be with him ALL of the time because if I wasn't, something would happen.  He would disappear, cheat on me, or die.  He was like sand, always about to slip through my fingertips.

One night about 6 months into our relationship, we planned to meet at his place at 2:00 am, after we both went out with our own friends.  I had a key to his apartment and was to let myself in as always.  I texted him at 1:15 am and he said he was on his way home and I should meet him there at 2:00 am.  At 2:15 am, I let myself in and found a half naked woman passed out on his couch.  She wasn't wearing a top or bra.  To this day, I have no idea who she was or what really happened before I arrived.  I freaked out and we got into a physical fight.  I punched and hit him and ran out of the apartment.  He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair.  I fled to the elevator and out of the building.  As I tried to hail a cab, he chased me downstairs and begged me to come back up.  He was crying, sobbing for forgiveness.

I relented.  I was afraid.

The passed out girl was still there when we came back up.  I woke her, got her clothes from the bedroom and offered her water and cab fare.  She had no idea who we were or where she was.  I stayed with The Sociopath and had sex with him that just made me ill to write that sentence. This is not behavior of a healthy person, but he wanted it and he never did.  I was so confused. I was battling so many demons then....

In the morning, we woke up and ordered pizza and acted like nothing happened.  Back to basics.

After the half naked girl incident, I began to pull back.  I knew it was a bad situation, but I was scared of him.  I was scared he could hurt me.  I was afraid that he could kill me.  He used me to look good to his he could continue to ask them for help and money...I was his validation...a sweet attractive Jewish girl from one town over (his parents were Jewish and very kind), if we were together, he couldn't be that much of a monster, could he. I know this now at 31..they were pushing marriage upon our second meeting.  I was valuable to him, he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to let me go either.

9 months into our relationship, we were fighting all the time.  I knew it was only a matter of time until I could get out of this relationship, so I looked for a way.  I was too scared to confide in anyone about how bad and dysfunctional this really was.  At the time, I felt embarrassed and like a failure because I wasted almost a year on this mess and I had no self esteem, I thought this was the best I could do, I really did.

One Friday, he didn't text or call me back all day.  I waited and waited.  I got worried, I thought he might have drunk himself to death and I remember being scared that I could be blamed for it.  Upon the 24th hour of not hearing from him, I knew it was my chance to catch him some way or another.  He was either up to no good or dead.  My grandfather had fallen ill and my hair iron was at Socio's place, so before I headed up to see my family, I stopped there for it.  It was a good excuse.   It made sense for me to come over for it.

It was now early Saturday morning and I was worried about Socio because I "cared."

Since I had the key, I was able to enter the building and his apartment without issue.  Upon turning the lock, I knew something wasn't right....


1 comment:

  1. Been there..done that... 30 years ago. Looking forward to your next blog. Have a feeling it's not going to be good. That what doesn't kill you makes you you can really appreciate Crush!!


Tell me your truth and I will continue to tell you mine......