Crush is coming to town tonight. In the middle of rush hour on a holiday weekend. On the flight I specifically asked him NOT to take because I will sit in no less than 3 hours trying to go 40 miles to get him and that doesn't include the ride after he joins me in the car. Get me OUT of this city....NOW! PLEASE!!!!!!
There is a reoccurring theme unfortunately....Crush's inability to hear what I say sometimes....or maybe it is just me?
Sometimes these days, I think it is me.
I feel that as I am changing, maybe the things I say....I am not really staying correctly, or maybe I am not explaining things well.....sometimes Crush makes me feel crazy....but, I know why and I will share it later on in the post.
There is a thin line between love and hate and I want to stay on the love side of things!
This week, I didn't love Crush more than I did last week.
I feel like in our relationship thus far, every second since I met him, I have loved him a bit more.
I almost think about my love for Crush as a graph...with the line going up and up from week to week...but this week...well, my love for him stayed the same.
PLATEAU!
Is the honeymoon over????
Crush is FRUSTRATING ME! He still doesn't have a plan for where we will live next year and it keeps going back and forth from the city to the country. Flip-flopping.
No regard for my career search which I already started or the fact that I need to find a way to support myself next year, too.
After 1 week of almost hourly back and forths and over explanations of Crush's future plans....my psoriasis flaring the worst it ever has from stress, and gaining 5 pounds from eating every single second instead of calling him and telling him off.....
I decided, I am moving to the city.
With OR without him.
It is what I wanted to do anyway. The original plan. And we can still get engaged and just not live in the same place..... Crush has a place to live in both towns and since we won't be living together before we say "I do"....I don't have anything, yet...(I KNOW...we could just live together, BUT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO and I made that mistake before with Awful...I cannot move in with someone again....it would be insane for me though I know it works beautifully for many people including my parents and even Sissy!).
We are 3 1/2 months out from my move and I don't have the time to wait.....sorry, Crush....I am moving across the country for you....the 55 mile difference between city and country isn't my biggest concern anymore....that seems close compared to nearly 1,300 miles of distance from here to down South.
I need a good job. Something I will be proud of. A position that can integrate me into the city. And unlike him, my family cannot just create a roll for me....he is lucky, he is.
Crush doesn't mean to be selfish, but he is. Sometimes he will talk about himself for 30 minutes before he asks me a single question about my day....it annoys me. But, up until Wednesday, I never even thought to mention it. To point it out...
Now, what I briefly mentioned above...the WHY is Crush the way he is?
Well, I have skirted around this issue a bit and I now feel like I have a better grasp on explaining it. Crush has a processing issue. A learning disability. It seems like a real legit bad case of ADHD or ADD (I am not a doctor....). The messes, the inability to plan, the needing extra time to do anything, the impulsive decisions that aren't always the best....
I think it was undiagnosed for far too long. I don't know how anyone missed it as I picked up on it from the very first long email he sent me.....I thought...."wow, this guy is super smart, but his organization and sentence structure..hmmmmm, he is very hard to follow..." and this comes from me....a person who isn't even a great writer (I am not fishing for any compliments, I truly know that my grammar needs HELP!)...
I asked Crush if he had any learning issues before we even met, to take the pressure off of him to feel the need to overcompensate. I don't know how it wasn't "discovered" until he was in the midst of failing horribly in a masters program?! The fact that he graduated from college with honors without time extensions baffles me. It hurts my heart to say this, but I think he worked EXTREMELY hard and since he has family connections, he could have glided through better than most with his same condition. I read his final thesis and considering where he went to school (a school considered FAR better than mine) it wasn't what I would consider an "A", but what do I know?!
Crush has manners and is gentile, so that covers up a lot of awkwardness, but the truth is that he is horrible in social situations and as I have explained before, without a lot of knowledge about how the world works, sometimes.
His protected and charmed life has helped him pass-on through easily, but in many ways, I know I am helping him "see" how to relate and react to people. I am teaching him how to ask questions and make casual conversation. 1 of the first parties I went to with him I noticed that he socialized by moving around the room and telling every single party-goer the same exact story. Once he passed the general pleasantries of "how are you?", he went right into a tale of how we almost got robbed (tis true) and how I saw it before he did (again true), but the story was highly dramatic and inappropriate for the happy occasion we were celebrating. When I told him that I thought perhaps he could practice listening and not talking AT people (I can be guilty of this too!)...it was a total revelation for him...all of his life, he has been getting through his countless social requirements by repeating a story he prepared to share before he arrived...it makes me tear up just thinking about it AND I have MAJOR social anxiety myself. It was his coping mechanism. He doesn't have many close friends (he has TONS of distant friends though) because he doesn't know how to open up, to share, to relate, to listen.
I know I seem like a bitch right now.......but, well.....but...
I am not THAT excited to see my boyfriend this afternoon......I feel rather "whatever" about it. It is scaring me.
I went out for coffee with a male friend yesterday and he looked sexy to me in a way that he never has before and I am all WHAT IS HAPPENING!? I had to tell myself...."GET IT TOGETHER!!!!"
Yet, I know what is happening truly on the inside....I am scared.
Time is getting closer to when I leave and I know that I may be engaged in a few months and it seems SO final....like I never thought anyone would want to marry me and now someone does and I always sabotage....I always don't let the goodness find me....I fuck it up before I can get to that final good spot.
I get so close to greatness and I let it go. I like to fail. I don't know why. But, I feel like I don't deserve success even though I KNOW NOW I DO. This is a baby relapse, but a step back nonetheless and I want to own it. To realize that it is happening while it is happening in real time. To not let the quicksand suck me in....so tempting it can be.
I MAKE A VOW TO MYSELF NOW:
I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL THIS TIME!
Yes, my boyfriend has faults, but overall he is a winner. He is ALL I ever wanted. He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. Crush is my soulmate. I know in my heart. 99 percent of the time, nothing in the world makes more sense than our love.....
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, unlike Awful, I am not telling you this to convince myself, I truly believe it.
It is time for me to get to the gym, to shave my legs, to pack my lingerie for the long weekend, and to appreciate that someone loves me for ALL of my flaws ....which are NOT few and far between.
If you made it here...thank you for reading that roller coaster post. I didn't know where it was going until it came to a dead stop and here we are.
HAPPY FRIDAY ALL!
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Smoothie Snack
I am super late to the smoothie trend. I know people out there in Cyberland have been photographing their smoothies for years...tons of recipes, too....I am not a trendsetter with the smoothies...
I promised myself that I am going to Trader Joe's later to stock up on frozen fruits, yogurt, and spinach and I will be getting CRAZY myself with the smoothies....as they really are a great way to get nutrients and liquids in and are super low in WeightWatchers points when done right because most veggies and all fruits are now 0 points on the program.
I just had to tell you a really easy and simple way to get apple cider vinegar in, if you are so inclined to try it. It is the best! Since the ACV is an appetite suppressant (at least for me), drinking one of these smoothies leaves me SUPER full and it is a super easy beginner smoothie for the inexperienced like me and also a yummy and filling treat for breakfast, a snack, or dessert.
Ingredients:
- 1 cup skim milk
- 5 ice cubes
- 1 frozen banana
(I like to freeze mine overnight and then microwave it for 10 seconds before I cut the peel off)
- 2 Teaspoons chocolate syrup OR 1 packet of hot chocolate mix (ANY KIND...sugar free or regular) OR for an EXTRA thick shake = 2 Tablespoons of instant chocolate pudding mix (ANY KIND...sugar free or regular)
- 1 Tablespoon of sugar or 1 packet of sweetener (ANY KIND, I am just not doing sugar free anything anymore )
- 1 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar (Unprocessed with "The Mother" in it)...if you are scared, just start with a teaspoon!
- Dash of vanilla extract
- OPTIONAL: 1 Tablespoon of peanut, cashew, or sunflower butter for protein
Directions:
- Put all of the ingredients in the blender on low for 20 seconds. Check consistency and if needed blend for a bit longer.
- I like my smoothies like milkshakes, so I avoid high unless I am breaking up veggies in there. The frozen banana gives it an ice cream-like consistency when not over-blended.
BONUS TIP:
- Get yourself a Cool Gear Cup. Mine keeps my smoothies super cold and yummy.
- I like to stick my cup empty without the straw and lid into the freezer for about 10 minutes before I make my smoothie. After I make the smoothie and pour it into my Cool Gear, I put the smoothie and cup back in (without the straw, but with the lid on) for another 3-5 minutes. This helps the smoothie stay really thick and cold the entire time I enjoy it!
YUM!
I promised myself that I am going to Trader Joe's later to stock up on frozen fruits, yogurt, and spinach and I will be getting CRAZY myself with the smoothies....as they really are a great way to get nutrients and liquids in and are super low in WeightWatchers points when done right because most veggies and all fruits are now 0 points on the program.
I just had to tell you a really easy and simple way to get apple cider vinegar in, if you are so inclined to try it. It is the best! Since the ACV is an appetite suppressant (at least for me), drinking one of these smoothies leaves me SUPER full and it is a super easy beginner smoothie for the inexperienced like me and also a yummy and filling treat for breakfast, a snack, or dessert.
Ingredients:
- 1 cup skim milk
- 5 ice cubes
- 1 frozen banana
(I like to freeze mine overnight and then microwave it for 10 seconds before I cut the peel off)
- 2 Teaspoons chocolate syrup OR 1 packet of hot chocolate mix (ANY KIND...sugar free or regular) OR for an EXTRA thick shake = 2 Tablespoons of instant chocolate pudding mix (ANY KIND...sugar free or regular)
- 1 Tablespoon of sugar or 1 packet of sweetener (ANY KIND, I am just not doing sugar free anything anymore )
- 1 Tablespoon apple cider vinegar (Unprocessed with "The Mother" in it)...if you are scared, just start with a teaspoon!
- Dash of vanilla extract
- OPTIONAL: 1 Tablespoon of peanut, cashew, or sunflower butter for protein
Directions:
- Put all of the ingredients in the blender on low for 20 seconds. Check consistency and if needed blend for a bit longer.
- I like my smoothies like milkshakes, so I avoid high unless I am breaking up veggies in there. The frozen banana gives it an ice cream-like consistency when not over-blended.
BONUS TIP:
- Get yourself a Cool Gear Cup. Mine keeps my smoothies super cold and yummy.
- I like to stick my cup empty without the straw and lid into the freezer for about 10 minutes before I make my smoothie. After I make the smoothie and pour it into my Cool Gear, I put the smoothie and cup back in (without the straw, but with the lid on) for another 3-5 minutes. This helps the smoothie stay really thick and cold the entire time I enjoy it!
YUM!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Going Country
I have recently become such a country music fan.
Like obsessed.
I have always enjoyed country music a little bit, but not like this......
I blame it on the fact that when I visit Crush, there are no less than 8 country music stations to listen to....whereas here there is just 1 because every station is pretty much rap/hip hop/top 40.
Top that off with the fact that Crush doesn't even have a CD player (an iPod hookup in there will never happen) in his car (he is currently driving his Grandmother's old car and someone claimed the CD player from his family), so we can either listen to tapes (which Crush HAS) or the radio. Seriously, Crush has never downloaded music and doesn't know how to use an iPod.....this is humorous because I am the MOST technology limited person I know and I seem like Steve Jobs compared to him.
So, country music has found a place in my heart. From all of the hours in Crush's car down South, I now prefer listening to music about tan lines, jean cut-offs, ponytails, pickup trucks, moonlight kisses, tailgates, cold beer, and homemade wine than listening to music about screwing some ho, big booties, orgies, VIP sections, and strip clubs.....it is all shocking as I used to love listening to hip hop even mere weeks ago, but lately it just annoys me and I can't even get into in at the gym, the one place that it always inspired me to move my own big booty.
Also, I am loving popular country music which is pretty mainstream, so I am not going to tell you anyone you don't know (which I suppose makes me super unoriginal): Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, Kip Moore, Jake Owens, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, Lady Antebellum, The Band Perry....it is basically modern Southern Rock in my mind...and I need to listen to my 42 song country play list no less than 4 times a day.
The songs I like remind me of summertime in my teens and 20's. They were always wild and they were always drunk, but sometimes the best nights were sweet. Just hanging out with friends, laughing, listening to music, and seeing if there was the small possibility that someone cute may come along and catch my eye.
Like obsessed.
I have always enjoyed country music a little bit, but not like this......
I blame it on the fact that when I visit Crush, there are no less than 8 country music stations to listen to....whereas here there is just 1 because every station is pretty much rap/hip hop/top 40.
Top that off with the fact that Crush doesn't even have a CD player (an iPod hookup in there will never happen) in his car (he is currently driving his Grandmother's old car and someone claimed the CD player from his family), so we can either listen to tapes (which Crush HAS) or the radio. Seriously, Crush has never downloaded music and doesn't know how to use an iPod.....this is humorous because I am the MOST technology limited person I know and I seem like Steve Jobs compared to him.
So, country music has found a place in my heart. From all of the hours in Crush's car down South, I now prefer listening to music about tan lines, jean cut-offs, ponytails, pickup trucks, moonlight kisses, tailgates, cold beer, and homemade wine than listening to music about screwing some ho, big booties, orgies, VIP sections, and strip clubs.....it is all shocking as I used to love listening to hip hop even mere weeks ago, but lately it just annoys me and I can't even get into in at the gym, the one place that it always inspired me to move my own big booty.
Also, I am loving popular country music which is pretty mainstream, so I am not going to tell you anyone you don't know (which I suppose makes me super unoriginal): Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, Kip Moore, Jake Owens, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, Lady Antebellum, The Band Perry....it is basically modern Southern Rock in my mind...and I need to listen to my 42 song country play list no less than 4 times a day.
The songs I like remind me of summertime in my teens and 20's. They were always wild and they were always drunk, but sometimes the best nights were sweet. Just hanging out with friends, laughing, listening to music, and seeing if there was the small possibility that someone cute may come along and catch my eye.
Monday, May 20, 2013
A Weekend in Review and Apple Cider Vinegar
I had a very emotional weekend this past weekend.
I could NOT figure out why I was so blue until I looked at the date and realized that I was supposed to be working, but it was an event I was fired from....Even though I was SO SUPER RELIVED.....I also slugged around feeling like a bit of a failure...
On the plus side, I have been in a great workout place lately which I am proud of. Not obsessed, just balanced. I have been visiting the gym 4-6 times a week and on days I do not make it there, I do a 30 minute free weight routine while I watch Hulu on my laptop.....it works! 4 years ago when I was actually the thinnest I have ever been (around the time Sissy got married I got down to 160 pounds and a solid size 10 which is small for me!), I did my free weights everyday while watching Bravo and it was the weights and not just the Spinning that really helped the scale budge.....
I had to think back to what worked for me in my decades of dieting and working out and I HIGHLY recommend a little light weights (I lift 5 pound weights at home and then 7.5 - 10 pound weights at the gym) for maximum shrinkage.
Saturday, I went on a 35 mile bike ride with my Dad. How awesome is my Dad!!! He will be 65 next month and he is in terrific shape which I never give him credit for.....he can ski 10 days in a row out West and bike for miles and miles and he is a great role model because the man has NEVER been a member of a gym! Dad loves activity and found sports he enjoys and tries to do them often. We are bike buddies and even have the same bike! When I was a baby, my Dad would put me on the back of his bike (the original baby bike seats that were on the back and not the front of bikes like they are now) and I actually remember getting too big for my baby bike seat when I was 3 and being REALLY upset....it is one of my first memories!
Dad and I rode to a little town we love to make our rest stop because it is full of quaint cafes, bars, and ice cream shops. He gets a beer, I get ice cream and we sit and chat with lots of other people enjoying life and it always puts me in great mood...which I needed. On Saturday, Dad actually asked me to slow down a few times which means I have been improving! Since I have been training for my upcoming Century (100 mile) ride in October, I have upped my pace from 12-13 miles an hour to 14-15 miles an hour and Dad likes to ride a bit more leisurely...made me feel great as those hours in the gym are paying off.
After the bike ride, Mom, Dad, and I went out for burgers and it made me really sad as I remember the time (even up to 2 years ago!) when I would rather be hanging out with many other people than my own parents, but now I am just so blessed and fortunate that spending a day with my family is what I look forward to most. I am REALLY going to miss them. Being away from Mom and Dad will be my biggest transition I am anticipating out of everything.
Yesterday, I had an AWESOME workout at the gym, caught up on email, and ate a massive amount of sushi for dinner....again perfection!
Before bed, Crush and I had a wonderful chat about the future and I am feeling much better about EVERYTHING. I realize now that my issues with the money are simply because of how Awful treated his trust (yes, this is the second man I have dated from family money and with a trust fund), and Crush is so different: generous, better with money and seeing the future (Awful loves to SPEND and Crush loves to SAVE), and Crush's commitment to his family and past and future investments are much deeper than Awful's. Crush wants to leave something for the next generation whereas Awful just wanted to buy tons of motorcycles! All will be fine and I need to stop worrying and start functioning.
Apple cider vinegar time....:
You may not know this, but ACV is an amazing cure-all for many things: acne scars, indigestion, weight loss support, and most importantly for psoriasis relief! Again, I love TRYING so many things, that I often forget what works best and ACV has always topically helped my skin...even though it can stink!
I began researching it again after a particular itchy few weeks from stress and I learned that ingesting it has wonderful properties that many many many people truly believe in.
ACV has the power to re-adjust ph levels in the body and purify toxins. So.....for the last 2 weeks, I have been drinking 2 AVC drink mixtures a day. 1 after breakfast and 1 in the evening. I make mine by mixing 1 TBSP unfiltered AVC (Heinz and Braggs are good brands....you need the kind with the "Mother" in it as it has the best healing properties) with 16 ounces of seltzer water and 3 ounces of natural (I like either Newman's or Simply) lemonade. After a few days, I have been actually craving this little drink....yes, it is an acquired taste and the ACV is STRONG, but after I have my ACV, I experience a surge of energy and I do not feel hungry for a while....YAY!
The ACV is acidic, so I drink mine with a straw and brush my teeth after I finish it as I don't want the enamel on my teeth to weaken anymore than it already has (my 7 year diet soda addiction....4-7 cans a day...was not kind to my teeth!).
In the 2 weeks since I started my ACV, my skin is clearer (psoriasis and complexion), my hair is shiner, and my nails are longer and stronger! I love trying natural solutions over anything else and this is a keeper!
Also, I have a scar on my tummy from my plastic surgery and I read that the ACV breaks down scars and in 2 weeks, I have seen a MAJOR difference to my scar (softened, reduce in redness)....that in itself is reason enough to try it!
Here is a link for the helpful uses for ACV and if you can handle the smell.....TRY IT!
If you have psoriasis like I do....here is another link for you!
HAPPY MONDAY!
I could NOT figure out why I was so blue until I looked at the date and realized that I was supposed to be working, but it was an event I was fired from....Even though I was SO SUPER RELIVED.....I also slugged around feeling like a bit of a failure...
On the plus side, I have been in a great workout place lately which I am proud of. Not obsessed, just balanced. I have been visiting the gym 4-6 times a week and on days I do not make it there, I do a 30 minute free weight routine while I watch Hulu on my laptop.....it works! 4 years ago when I was actually the thinnest I have ever been (around the time Sissy got married I got down to 160 pounds and a solid size 10 which is small for me!), I did my free weights everyday while watching Bravo and it was the weights and not just the Spinning that really helped the scale budge.....
I had to think back to what worked for me in my decades of dieting and working out and I HIGHLY recommend a little light weights (I lift 5 pound weights at home and then 7.5 - 10 pound weights at the gym) for maximum shrinkage.
Saturday, I went on a 35 mile bike ride with my Dad. How awesome is my Dad!!! He will be 65 next month and he is in terrific shape which I never give him credit for.....he can ski 10 days in a row out West and bike for miles and miles and he is a great role model because the man has NEVER been a member of a gym! Dad loves activity and found sports he enjoys and tries to do them often. We are bike buddies and even have the same bike! When I was a baby, my Dad would put me on the back of his bike (the original baby bike seats that were on the back and not the front of bikes like they are now) and I actually remember getting too big for my baby bike seat when I was 3 and being REALLY upset....it is one of my first memories!
Dad and I rode to a little town we love to make our rest stop because it is full of quaint cafes, bars, and ice cream shops. He gets a beer, I get ice cream and we sit and chat with lots of other people enjoying life and it always puts me in great mood...which I needed. On Saturday, Dad actually asked me to slow down a few times which means I have been improving! Since I have been training for my upcoming Century (100 mile) ride in October, I have upped my pace from 12-13 miles an hour to 14-15 miles an hour and Dad likes to ride a bit more leisurely...made me feel great as those hours in the gym are paying off.
After the bike ride, Mom, Dad, and I went out for burgers and it made me really sad as I remember the time (even up to 2 years ago!) when I would rather be hanging out with many other people than my own parents, but now I am just so blessed and fortunate that spending a day with my family is what I look forward to most. I am REALLY going to miss them. Being away from Mom and Dad will be my biggest transition I am anticipating out of everything.
Yesterday, I had an AWESOME workout at the gym, caught up on email, and ate a massive amount of sushi for dinner....again perfection!
Before bed, Crush and I had a wonderful chat about the future and I am feeling much better about EVERYTHING. I realize now that my issues with the money are simply because of how Awful treated his trust (yes, this is the second man I have dated from family money and with a trust fund), and Crush is so different: generous, better with money and seeing the future (Awful loves to SPEND and Crush loves to SAVE), and Crush's commitment to his family and past and future investments are much deeper than Awful's. Crush wants to leave something for the next generation whereas Awful just wanted to buy tons of motorcycles! All will be fine and I need to stop worrying and start functioning.
Apple cider vinegar time....:
You may not know this, but ACV is an amazing cure-all for many things: acne scars, indigestion, weight loss support, and most importantly for psoriasis relief! Again, I love TRYING so many things, that I often forget what works best and ACV has always topically helped my skin...even though it can stink!
I began researching it again after a particular itchy few weeks from stress and I learned that ingesting it has wonderful properties that many many many people truly believe in.
ACV has the power to re-adjust ph levels in the body and purify toxins. So.....for the last 2 weeks, I have been drinking 2 AVC drink mixtures a day. 1 after breakfast and 1 in the evening. I make mine by mixing 1 TBSP unfiltered AVC (Heinz and Braggs are good brands....you need the kind with the "Mother" in it as it has the best healing properties) with 16 ounces of seltzer water and 3 ounces of natural (I like either Newman's or Simply) lemonade. After a few days, I have been actually craving this little drink....yes, it is an acquired taste and the ACV is STRONG, but after I have my ACV, I experience a surge of energy and I do not feel hungry for a while....YAY!
The ACV is acidic, so I drink mine with a straw and brush my teeth after I finish it as I don't want the enamel on my teeth to weaken anymore than it already has (my 7 year diet soda addiction....4-7 cans a day...was not kind to my teeth!).
In the 2 weeks since I started my ACV, my skin is clearer (psoriasis and complexion), my hair is shiner, and my nails are longer and stronger! I love trying natural solutions over anything else and this is a keeper!
Also, I have a scar on my tummy from my plastic surgery and I read that the ACV breaks down scars and in 2 weeks, I have seen a MAJOR difference to my scar (softened, reduce in redness)....that in itself is reason enough to try it!
Here is a link for the helpful uses for ACV and if you can handle the smell.....TRY IT!
If you have psoriasis like I do....here is another link for you!
HAPPY MONDAY!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Popcorn Passion
My Lean Pockets addiction is under control. The cure is pretty simple....I can no longer have Lean Pockets near me....too tempting. I ate 4 of them in less than 24 hours and I could have eaten another 400 if they were around.....Lean Pockets are now in the category of foods I can NEVER be left alone with which includes: pizza, Cheetos, Wheat Thins, string cheese, granola bars, pasta, ice cream, pretzels, and cereal.
Sadly, I don't even like all of the above that much (besides pizza, ice cream, and Cheetos....THOSE I ADORE!)....just when I am around them, they trigger me.
Popcorn on the other hand, is something I can trust myself around. Yes, sometimes, I pop 2 snack sized bags, but it is much better than eating an entire box of Wheat Thins.
My popcorn obsession began in college when it was a very safe and low point option when I first did WeightWatchers. Now, since the WW program changes just about every 2 years, it is not that friendly, but still a better salty snack choice when I really need something crunchy (AND A CARROT WILL NOT DO!) which is just about every afternoon.....OY!
Enter Orville Redenbacher's Natural Popcorn Lime & Salt. I know it sounds weird, but it isn't. Mexican food had a lot of corn based delicacies and salt and lime are often used to emphasize flavors.
I get mine at Wal-Mart. It is sometimes a bit tricky to find at the grocery store and Amazon (the link I provided) has it, too.
YUM. This stuff is perfection for me. Salty, crunchy, a bit greasy....it feels super bad, but it isn't THAT bad. A single serving bag (a large portion, more than a 100 cal bag) is 6 WeightWatchers points and some days it is so worth it for me.
I find this popcorn tastes a lot like the lime and salt chips from Chipotle. I go to Chipotle for a burrito bowl, but really in my heart for the chips because I ALWAYS have to get them and a bag of those babies without even guac are too many points to count....
Whenever I have dieted before, it has always been about deprivation until now. I am finding better success when I swap something I love for something I love that is less calories, but equally satisfying. For me, this popcorn works. Hope you will love it if you decide to try it!
Sadly, I don't even like all of the above that much (besides pizza, ice cream, and Cheetos....THOSE I ADORE!)....just when I am around them, they trigger me.
Popcorn on the other hand, is something I can trust myself around. Yes, sometimes, I pop 2 snack sized bags, but it is much better than eating an entire box of Wheat Thins.
My popcorn obsession began in college when it was a very safe and low point option when I first did WeightWatchers. Now, since the WW program changes just about every 2 years, it is not that friendly, but still a better salty snack choice when I really need something crunchy (AND A CARROT WILL NOT DO!) which is just about every afternoon.....OY!
Enter Orville Redenbacher's Natural Popcorn Lime & Salt. I know it sounds weird, but it isn't. Mexican food had a lot of corn based delicacies and salt and lime are often used to emphasize flavors.
I get mine at Wal-Mart. It is sometimes a bit tricky to find at the grocery store and Amazon (the link I provided) has it, too.
YUM. This stuff is perfection for me. Salty, crunchy, a bit greasy....it feels super bad, but it isn't THAT bad. A single serving bag (a large portion, more than a 100 cal bag) is 6 WeightWatchers points and some days it is so worth it for me.
I find this popcorn tastes a lot like the lime and salt chips from Chipotle. I go to Chipotle for a burrito bowl, but really in my heart for the chips because I ALWAYS have to get them and a bag of those babies without even guac are too many points to count....
Whenever I have dieted before, it has always been about deprivation until now. I am finding better success when I swap something I love for something I love that is less calories, but equally satisfying. For me, this popcorn works. Hope you will love it if you decide to try it!
Friday, May 17, 2013
What Goes Around Comes Around....and Porno
After I posted yesterday about potential, all of my jobs, and how Crush is lucky and perhaps under motivated......I have done nothing all day besides eat Lean Pockets, procrastinate, take some Xanax, do 30 minutes of lethargic cardio at the gym, and pick 4 fights with my boyfriend.
The truth ain't always pretty.
Perfect person I am not.
Anyway, something odd has happened in terms of this blog. I rarely check my page views as they average to be something that can often be counted on my fingers, but since Wednesday, something is up.....
I have been viewed WAY more than 9 times and the sources seem to be bringing hits over from pornographic websites....which must just be a new something technology driven that I will never understand because I haven't watched any porn on this computer (I use it for business mostly and it is too risky as I can hardly control tabs and windows as is)....
I mean, I didn't even watch the Teen Mom Farrah Abraham (her "leaked"porno personal sex film for her own reference and collection) trailer that I was a bit curious about....
So, if weird ads about sex toys start popping up, I will figure out how to proceed even though I have no idea how to even get an ad up on a blog......technology versed I AM NOT.
Now, I have to be nice to my boyfriend and try not to eat anymore Lean Pockets....seriously, they are SO DELICIOUS!
The truth ain't always pretty.
Perfect person I am not.
Anyway, something odd has happened in terms of this blog. I rarely check my page views as they average to be something that can often be counted on my fingers, but since Wednesday, something is up.....
I have been viewed WAY more than 9 times and the sources seem to be bringing hits over from pornographic websites....which must just be a new something technology driven that I will never understand because I haven't watched any porn on this computer (I use it for business mostly and it is too risky as I can hardly control tabs and windows as is)....
I mean, I didn't even watch the Teen Mom Farrah Abraham (her "leaked"
So, if weird ads about sex toys start popping up, I will figure out how to proceed even though I have no idea how to even get an ad up on a blog......technology versed I AM NOT.
Now, I have to be nice to my boyfriend and try not to eat anymore Lean Pockets....seriously, they are SO DELICIOUS!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Processing the Big Picture
Hi friends!
I have missed you!
I have been working and working out and lifting weights and sunning my psoriasis in limited doses (it really helps it go away and another reason why I can't wait to go South...sunshine and saltwater!!!), and daydreaming about life in less than 4 months!!!!
I have also been processing.
I feel ill even typing what I am about to share, but I feel like I can't start censoring now. I have come too far with my honesty....please don't judge me. PLEASE.
So, potential. Yes, I need to address this. Because it has been bothering me.
I didn't work up to my potential. I should have worked harder in high school and college. I know this. I could have been more. I should have achieved better career-wise. I want to go back to school for a masters degree for this very reason. To prove that I can for myself. I was so smart, top of my class, until I was 15 and fell apart from self esteem issues. It has haunted me. My parents thought I was destined for the Ivys until my sophomore year of high school. I let them down, but mostly, I let myself down.
School jazz aside, I am proud that I have always had a job since I was 15. I was a babysitter, lifeguard, waitress, bartender, bar-back, restaurant hostess, camp counselor, pizza maker, swim lesson instructor, receptionist at a dental office, vacuum cleaner saleswoman (NO JOKE and a great story as I just learned that it was actually a drug ring and I had NO idea when I worked there), and a nanny all before I graduated from college. I had all of these jobs for a while until location made me have to leave them. I always excelled at my positions, often got promoted, and never had a problem picking up things quickly.
I accepted my first real job within 3 weeks of leaving my college campus. I interviewed for 4 jobs and were offered all of them (it was a different time before the recession). I have never not been asked back for a second interview. I am great at work (well, up until rather recently when some people have not actually seen my potential, but that is okay, too!). Work is one of my strengths.
Crush on the other hand, was in school until 26. Then, passing big exams and licensings. He never worked a job until he was 28 years old. It was a job that he didn't even have to interview for. He once worked for a few weeks for a family friend while pursuing his masters and then once went out on a job interview for a potential position, but was not offered it. His experience is limited.
Crush is simple in some ways. I had to teach him how to tip. I had to teach him how to speak to servers (unless you have worked at a restaurant or had friends or family do it....you have no idea how hard it can be), and how be patient at restaurants...he would ask for water, bread, and wine from the hostess before we were even sat at our table and visited by our server....it read as rude, but he had no idea that it wasn't correct as he often had people serving meals in his own home growing up.
I had to explain how hard work is for most because he honestly had no idea. Sometimes.....I think Crush either lived under a rock until he met me or was brought to the year 2012 (when we met) in a time machine or a spaceship.
I feel weird sharing this, but Crush is supported mostly by his family. He is being groomed to take over one of their several businesses. I am being supported by my family too right now, but not exactly in the same way. I am saving money while I live at home. I cover all of my expenses, the folks just don't make me pay rent which is awesome (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!). It isn't exactly the same as generous and as awesome as my p's are. Hell, I am spoiled too...it's all relative I suppose.
I have always had a job though and even if I am not the best saver...work has been a part of my life.
Crush really doesn't make much money on his own...I just learned about this, this week. It is less than I ever made in my corporate jobs and it surprised me a bit. He was born into a really good life. I don't know numbers, but I know that he has more savings at less than 35 than my Dad ever will (my dad worked for the SAME company for 42 years!) and that is just the tip of the iceberg...there will always be more, much more.....so much more. It will come over the years.
Yes, I have to sign a prenuptial agreement. We have discussed this. It is simply how his life is.
It is not my money...it is from all of the generations and generations before him. It is hard to get my head around it and I am weirded out by it. It keeps me up some nights. It makes me nervous.
I am glad I met Crush online and he never told me any of this until way into our relationship when I started putting things together and realizing that his own work experience and life experience would not have been able to produce what he has.
I would love him even if he had nothing and in some ways, I think that he would be better developed and more of a man if this was the case....if he had to work like most of the rest of us do in life.
So, my boyfriend hasn't ever had to work up to his potential because the objective of making money was never really forced. Yet, he is frugal (sometimes alarmingly so) and great with money and investing. He is resourceful and not wasteful and genuinely kind and charitable (even though he thought 5 percent and not 20 percent tips were okay before he met me....SORRY to all of those hard working servers out there....please don't spit in our food when you us out for dinner!). He has a heart and soul that is so pure and good, it astounds me sometimes. He was raised right in many ways. He wants to live little and save big. To not take advantage of what was given to him...I respect him for this.
I am helping Crush finish a few things he started and be a bit more hands on with his own life. He wants to be. He does. No one allowed him to be. But, I know his folks (who I do adore) perhaps thought he would develop differently. Be more of a man seeing how he was groomed (prep school, great college, good masters programs)....yet, it didn't all click for Crush somehow.
Crush wants to know how to do certain things around the house, how to be better at work, how to treat clients...he isn't entitled...he is the opposite. His sheltered life makes him seem simple sometimes. He is the most literal person I have ever met. Almost oblivious to modern life. I doubt anyone, but me, knows how smart he really is. I could see people thinking otherwise and how that can hurt him business-wise.
I believe that people in a good relationship bring out the best in one another. I know Crush and I were brought together to be the greatest we can be as a team. Crush has made me patient, even tempered, sweeter, less vulgar, and kinder. I have learned to stop and smell the honeysuckle and enjoy a cup of coffee without text messaging.
In return, I have helped him learn some life skills, join the year 2013, offered him confidence and support. I have taught him how most other people live. He is different and very blessed and he never knew it, not really.
I want Crush to work towards his full potential.
Not for money.
Not for my own personal gain.
I want Crush to be fulfilled by his own interests because I know he doesn't see the greatness I see in him yet....because he was never really forced to develop on his own.
I have missed you!
I have been working and working out and lifting weights and sunning my psoriasis in limited doses (it really helps it go away and another reason why I can't wait to go South...sunshine and saltwater!!!), and daydreaming about life in less than 4 months!!!!
I have also been processing.
I feel ill even typing what I am about to share, but I feel like I can't start censoring now. I have come too far with my honesty....please don't judge me. PLEASE.
So, potential. Yes, I need to address this. Because it has been bothering me.
I didn't work up to my potential. I should have worked harder in high school and college. I know this. I could have been more. I should have achieved better career-wise. I want to go back to school for a masters degree for this very reason. To prove that I can for myself. I was so smart, top of my class, until I was 15 and fell apart from self esteem issues. It has haunted me. My parents thought I was destined for the Ivys until my sophomore year of high school. I let them down, but mostly, I let myself down.
School jazz aside, I am proud that I have always had a job since I was 15. I was a babysitter, lifeguard, waitress, bartender, bar-back, restaurant hostess, camp counselor, pizza maker, swim lesson instructor, receptionist at a dental office, vacuum cleaner saleswoman (NO JOKE and a great story as I just learned that it was actually a drug ring and I had NO idea when I worked there), and a nanny all before I graduated from college. I had all of these jobs for a while until location made me have to leave them. I always excelled at my positions, often got promoted, and never had a problem picking up things quickly.
I accepted my first real job within 3 weeks of leaving my college campus. I interviewed for 4 jobs and were offered all of them (it was a different time before the recession). I have never not been asked back for a second interview. I am great at work (well, up until rather recently when some people have not actually seen my potential, but that is okay, too!). Work is one of my strengths.
Crush on the other hand, was in school until 26. Then, passing big exams and licensings. He never worked a job until he was 28 years old. It was a job that he didn't even have to interview for. He once worked for a few weeks for a family friend while pursuing his masters and then once went out on a job interview for a potential position, but was not offered it. His experience is limited.
Crush is simple in some ways. I had to teach him how to tip. I had to teach him how to speak to servers (unless you have worked at a restaurant or had friends or family do it....you have no idea how hard it can be), and how be patient at restaurants...he would ask for water, bread, and wine from the hostess before we were even sat at our table and visited by our server....it read as rude, but he had no idea that it wasn't correct as he often had people serving meals in his own home growing up.
I had to explain how hard work is for most because he honestly had no idea. Sometimes.....I think Crush either lived under a rock until he met me or was brought to the year 2012 (when we met) in a time machine or a spaceship.
I feel weird sharing this, but Crush is supported mostly by his family. He is being groomed to take over one of their several businesses. I am being supported by my family too right now, but not exactly in the same way. I am saving money while I live at home. I cover all of my expenses, the folks just don't make me pay rent which is awesome (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!). It isn't exactly the same as generous and as awesome as my p's are. Hell, I am spoiled too...it's all relative I suppose.
I have always had a job though and even if I am not the best saver...work has been a part of my life.
Crush really doesn't make much money on his own...I just learned about this, this week. It is less than I ever made in my corporate jobs and it surprised me a bit. He was born into a really good life. I don't know numbers, but I know that he has more savings at less than 35 than my Dad ever will (my dad worked for the SAME company for 42 years!) and that is just the tip of the iceberg...there will always be more, much more.....so much more. It will come over the years.
Yes, I have to sign a prenuptial agreement. We have discussed this. It is simply how his life is.
It is not my money...it is from all of the generations and generations before him. It is hard to get my head around it and I am weirded out by it. It keeps me up some nights. It makes me nervous.
I am glad I met Crush online and he never told me any of this until way into our relationship when I started putting things together and realizing that his own work experience and life experience would not have been able to produce what he has.
I would love him even if he had nothing and in some ways, I think that he would be better developed and more of a man if this was the case....if he had to work like most of the rest of us do in life.
So, my boyfriend hasn't ever had to work up to his potential because the objective of making money was never really forced. Yet, he is frugal (sometimes alarmingly so) and great with money and investing. He is resourceful and not wasteful and genuinely kind and charitable (even though he thought 5 percent and not 20 percent tips were okay before he met me....SORRY to all of those hard working servers out there....please don't spit in our food when you us out for dinner!). He has a heart and soul that is so pure and good, it astounds me sometimes. He was raised right in many ways. He wants to live little and save big. To not take advantage of what was given to him...I respect him for this.
I am helping Crush finish a few things he started and be a bit more hands on with his own life. He wants to be. He does. No one allowed him to be. But, I know his folks (who I do adore) perhaps thought he would develop differently. Be more of a man seeing how he was groomed (prep school, great college, good masters programs)....yet, it didn't all click for Crush somehow.
Crush wants to know how to do certain things around the house, how to be better at work, how to treat clients...he isn't entitled...he is the opposite. His sheltered life makes him seem simple sometimes. He is the most literal person I have ever met. Almost oblivious to modern life. I doubt anyone, but me, knows how smart he really is. I could see people thinking otherwise and how that can hurt him business-wise.
I believe that people in a good relationship bring out the best in one another. I know Crush and I were brought together to be the greatest we can be as a team. Crush has made me patient, even tempered, sweeter, less vulgar, and kinder. I have learned to stop and smell the honeysuckle and enjoy a cup of coffee without text messaging.
In return, I have helped him learn some life skills, join the year 2013, offered him confidence and support. I have taught him how most other people live. He is different and very blessed and he never knew it, not really.
I want Crush to work towards his full potential.
Not for money.
Not for my own personal gain.
I want Crush to be fulfilled by his own interests because I know he doesn't see the greatness I see in him yet....because he was never really forced to develop on his own.
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