The Perfect House Guest

Crush and I just returned from Chicago.  As I mentioned in my last post, I had the final wedding of my Chicago career, a super awesome New Year's Eve bash.  The wedding went off without a hitch, but the weather....OY OY OY.  I am super glad that at the last minute, I decided to save the airline tickets (Southwest, you rock my world) and drive.  Crush and I make quite a road trip pair and Chicago airports are always highly messed up when it comes to terrible weather since Chicago is the major middle city (location middle) in the country and local and far away weather causes an epic domino effect of flight cancellations.  True story, I have had flights delayed for nearly 3 days.  I always feel awful for the people who can't go back home to wait out their departures.

Instead of the little 8 day Chicago trip Crush and I planned, we ended up in Chicago for just about 2 weeks because the weather made it impossible to leave.  First snow.  Then arctic cold.  Then some more snow.  By the time we got the pass to go (one of the major highways we needed to use in Indiana was closed for 2 days), I nearly flew out the door.  Being cooped up in a house for days on end will do that to you even though I loved my company (former roomies aka the folks and the man I am marrying in 9 months).

My mom couldn't stop gushing about how much she enjoyed having Crush for the visit.  This is a women who secretly HATES company.  My mom is very particular about how she keeps her home (super clean and tidy and sanitary at all times) and having people over (and having her adult daughter live with her....) causes her stress beyond belief.  My mom likes to say that her own grandmother died of hospitality because people were always stopping by her apartment in New York because she was such a wonderful hostess and cook, but inside she hated it.  The verdict is out on this theory, my dad said she died of a stroke, may she rest in peace.

So, why was Crush such a great guest?  What did he do that made my mom so comfortable that she invited us to watch movies in her bed?  Why did his presence help my mom calm down enough that she stayed in her pajamas (as she should have) on our snow days?  Most importantly, what was it about Crush that helped her avoid having a public guest related meltdown that I was secretly expecting and even warned Crush about?

I asked my dear mommy and this is what she had to say about why Crush was such a great guest:

1.  Bring a gift.  As I get older, I think this is a given.  If you are planning to stay at someone's house, even for dinner, bring a little something.  A bottle of wine or champagne, a little treat from your city (I like to bring Carol's cookies or Garrett's popcorn sometimes, they are both Chicago yummies), a cute knickknack for the home, or even treat your hosts to a dinner out on the town at one of their favorite restaurants.  Here are a few cute gift ideas for under $30.00.  If you are on a budget, a simple thank you note for your hosts as soon as you arrive shows appreciation.  And that is the point of a hostess gift.  It shows that you appreciate the hospitality being bestowed upon you.  My mom loved the Charleston pecan sampler Crush gifted her with as soon as he walked through the door.  She said it set the tone for a sweet (ahhhh) visit.  Just remember, that you still need to send a thank you note after you leave. Put it in the mail the day you get home, so you won't forget! PLEASE NOTE: My mom would have been fine without any gift, truly.  Or a used tissue or a popsicle stick.  But, the nuts made her feel special and thought of and that is the point!

2. Follow the flow of the house.  The is a super important one.  Do as your hosts do.  If you hosts retire to bed early, do the same.  If you aren't ready to sleep, head to your quarters and read a book or watch some TV or your laptop, remember to bring headphones in the instance that you don't have a private room, so you don't bother everyone with the bitch fights from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Before bed, inquire about what time your hosts plan to start their day and what the plans for the next day are.  One of the worst things about having guests, can be that the hosts get their routine interrupted.  Be aware that your presence is a treat, but also sometimes a bit of an inconvenience and be sensitive to that.  If you are staying in a place that doesn't have many bathrooms, coordinate shower schedules in advance.  If your hosts have to work during the duration of your stay, make yourself scarce when they are trying to make it out to the office or even wake up early and make your hosts coffee.  If your hosts are retired like my parents, wake up when they do and join them for a long breakfast and many cups of coffee!

3.  Be easy going about about food.  Crush eats everything and loves food, so cooking for him is simple. I told my mom the things he won't eat (fish and shellfish because he hates the taste), so she knew what not to prepare while he visited.  As someone who is always watching calories and now tries to avoid gluten when possible, I bring my own food when I can.  I also fund my own grocery shops away from home when I have access, but I loosen up my own particular needs when I can.  If a food won't kill me or cause me great physical pain, I try to go with the flow as it is just a meal and I am getting food and shelter for free.  If you cannot eat certain things, make it known in advance.  If you need to cook for yourself, be clear about it.  I think the less surprises you spring on your hosts right when you arrive, the better.  You want to be the least annoying guest as possible and the world doesn't revolve solely around you.

4.  Keep your room and bathroom clean and tidy.  This is a given, but I have seen this one abused  many times.  I admittedly had to help Crush with this because as I have mentioned, he is a slob, though he is getting tons better.... Make you bed in the morning, keep your clothes neatly in your suitcase or hung in the closet in your room (if you have one), wipe down the bathroom vanity, hang up your damp towels, don't leave your toiletries all over the place.  Bring a laundry bag for your dirty laundry and don't assume that you have full access to the washer and dryer unless the host in question is someone you feel comfortable asking to either do your laundry or allow you to use their appliances (I only feel comfortable doing my own laundry at my folks or sister's).  Be respectful to your hosts machines especially if they have babies or small children as they will be doing laundry constantly and often have a system going.  I like to keep my room viewing ready.  This means that once you get up and dressed, you should leave your room looking almost exactly like it looked like when you arrived minus your personal belongings.

5.  Be a part of the group.  Crush is always down for whatever, so he aced this one!  If your hosts like to play board games or cards and ask you, join in.  Even if you don't know the rules, be open to learn them.  If your hosts ask you to watch a movie or TV show, be a good sport.  If they want to make you a special meal or snack, accept graciously (same rules go for the dietary jazz above....don't eat shellfish if shrimp can kill you, but you get the idea).  If your hosts want to take you to a historic site in their town or city that they think you will enjoy, be a pal and experience it.  One thing that makes you a bad house guest is if you use your hosts place only as a hotel and don't plan to spend any time with them.  If you want a total solo or couple trip, then you should save and stay at private accommodations, so you can come and go exactly as you please!

Remember as I said, send a thank you in a timely fashion after you depart.   I wish you many happy visits in the future with repeat invitations to come and stay again!

Decisive

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and Happy New Year!

I worked my last event ever in Chicago and boy does it feel good.  Calm.  It was a wedding for an incredible couple that I am obsessed with and their big celebration turned out just as it should have.  A true reflection of who they are as people and fun, fun, fun!  It was a New Years Eve wedding after all.

Throughout the planning process with this particular bride, I admired her outlook about her wedding.  She was excited beyond belief, but she was also calm and realistic.  She knew that some things were clearly out of her budget and that some people (family at very limited blips) were causing drama because they wanted to be heard.  This little lady kept her poise and focused on the one thing that would always be constant, the love she has for her fiance now husband.  Many times while working with her, I thought to myself, "Ready and Fading, when you get engaged, be like her.  Promise yourself.  She has the right attitude."

Well.  I must report, I have been chill.  Checking things off of my wedding list 1 item at a time.

Last Saturday, I bought a wedding dress!  I made this decision after trying on 4 dresses total.  Yup, you read that right.  Not 40 or 400.  4.

I knew what I wanted and I didn't feel like trying on a million dresses to get there.  I am not the kind of gal that needs to see every single option when 1 works well.

I also have to add that I have been to this particular store dozens of times, they know me and I had sent them inspiration photos of dresses I liked before I came in for my dress appointment.  Also, I worked in bridal retail for a while early in my career, so I am familiar with what designers and styles work best for a tall and curvy lady like myself.

The place where I purchased was also a little surprised at how the appointment progressed.  I am an easy bride after all!  It can go both ways with people in the wedding industry.  To show their appreciation, they are doing all alterations and customizations for me complimentary.  In addition, they gave me a veil as a gift, but lets not forget that I brought in many brides to buy their own dresses, so that gesture was probably more of a thank you for business than a thank you for not being a difficult bitch.  It was extremely kind of them and I must put a thank you in the mail for them ASAP.

One of the questions my clients often ask me is how to get discounts.  Chicago people have this notion (and most likely people in other places, too, I am just most familiar with Chicago) that their wedding makes them entitled to recieve free things and if they are difficult, mean, hateful and scary that they will get these things.

WRONG.

The answer is really quite simple.  Be kind, decisive, gracious and do your research before you commit to something.  You will see, 9 times out of 10, you will be rewarded with something grand for free because the vendor and venue are used to people being entitled assholes.  Kindness is recognized and appreciated.

The dress is so me, just want I wanted.  A bit sexy, yet sweet.  Shows off my shape but not inappropriate (I don't love tons of bridal cleavage, just my personal taste).  I am also adding some 3/4 sleeves to it, so the designer is customizing the dress for me and I will be the only with it, so that is pretty cool if you are into that sort of thing.

Hope everyone is staying warm out there and Happy 2014!!!!!!

Failure, Rejection and Confrontation

I have been a bad bad blogger lately.  And yet, I have a bunch to say.  Lately, I just haven't felt like saying anything.  Some of it is being in a new place and some of it is that I am planning a wedding and some of it is that I am sitting around a bunch, too much.  I find that I am VERY lazy and unproductive when I give myself too much unorganized time.  When I have tons of downtime, after a while, I feel some old and familiar signs of depression sneaking up on me.  Lately, I have been blah.  Busy doing things that don't really matter, but not busy working.  I miss working.

A few days ago, I applied for a job that I REALLY WANT.  The first one that I am perfectly qualified for at a place that I would be super proud to work for. I feel this tidal wave of anxiety and doubt.  I haven't felt this want in so long.  It's the same kind of want that I used to feel when I was single and praying for a partner.

In the last few years, I have become very familiar with 2 things that I have always feared: failure and rejection.

Yes, running your own business, there is a TON of it.  Mix in a failed relationship, countless dead-end dates and living with your parents while you celebrated your 31st and 32nd birthday.  Well, I could have made a failure and rejection sundae.

But, the things that I feared the most, aren't that big of a deal.  Some people don't like me?  That's okay, I typically don't like them more right back.  I tried a new approach and it wasn't the best way to get something done?  Well, I tried something new.  And let's not even mention all of the MASSIVE business mistakes that I made time and time again?  The good news here is that I learned.  I tried and failed and I eventually made a conscious decision that I needed to change.  And when I go back to being an independent business owner again, I will be SO MUCH BETTER and WISER.  And more successful.

I may get this job.  I may not.  Life will go on and I will eventually find something that suits me.  It will all be okay.  I know this.

As then there was confrontation.  I get the chills just typing that word.  There is nothing that makes me feel worse than a fight.  I hate when people are mad at me.  I even hate when people I hate are mad at me.  I even hate when people I hate who are stupid idiots are mad at me, even when I know that they are stupid idiots.  OY.  Exhausting.

Recently, I have learned that confrontation and I are not friends because I conditioned myself to be an enabler.  I enable bad behavior, rude treatment and pure insanity to avoid altercations.  I spent years lying and over-promising to get out of necessary conversations and conflict, "You aren't treating me right...", "I feel what you are doing is unethical", "Why are you going behind my back when I can help you."  I would have rather kept silent than be on any one's radar.  This is not a good way to live life as an active participant.

Since I have moved, I have been working on this.  If I can't do something for someone, I don't.  If someone is trying to take their bad day out on me for something that isn't my fault, I ask them.  If I make a mistake, I admit it and own it and find a solution rather than running away like I used to.

Confrontation isn't such a bad thing.  I mean, without it, my favorite channel in the world, Bravo, would never exist.  Their entire program lineup is just confrontation videotaped in different cites....

Facebook Feelings

As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of Facebook.  It the midst of moving back home and hitting rock bottom, I deactivated my account because it was too much for me to handle.  I was jealous of everyone's life (again with the jealousy...oy!) and their good fortune.  Facebook made me even more insecure, bitter, and depressed.

Perhaps I am a trendsetter because I have been hearing musings that Facebook is lame.  From Smartie Best Friend who is all up on technology and a 24 year old client who is on her iPhone non-stop whenever we meet.  Apparently, Twitter and Instagram are actually all the rage right now......I may have made it through to the other side....FB may be on it's way out!  Dying a slow death like Myspace.

Crush pretends he doesn't like Facebook, but he does.  He thinks it is stupid, a time waster, and really abrasive, but he has tons of Facebook friends and sends my (our) friends and my family messages on FB, so he isn't above it, if he is participating.  He logs on everyday, so he is an active member.

BEWARE: Awful mention coming....(I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but it is an important detail to my story)

Well, through 1 friend or family member, Crush was able to view Awful's profile.  I guess Awful doesn't lock it (I don't know how FB works, so please excuse my terminology if it is all wonky) and Crush took the opportunity to scour his page, mostly his photos.  He saw it all, including several old photos of us that are still up there (I wish Awful would take them down, but not at the risk of speaking to him).  Crush told me that I "look sad and really defeated" in all of Awful and my old photos and I agree.  I see that same sadness when I have looked at old photos of us, too. Crush knows me well.

In another development, Crush's ex-fiance has a new boyfriend.  Crush found this out by stalking her on Facebook.  He claims that it showed up in his newsfeed because he didn't defriend her, only blocked her access to his profile, so he can see some things about her.....

SIDE NOTE:  So, FB now gives you the option to be virtual frenemies with someone?  They can use your existence to up their total "friends" count, BUT, then you can't even stalk them....In my opinion, the one benefit of Facebook is the stalking! 

So, Crush called me to tell me about his ex's new dating status.  And then figured out who the guy she is now dating is from LinkedIn.  Then,  Crush Googled stalked him real good and found out everything about him including where he went to school, where he lives now (with Crush's Ex), and his current job.

Crush is SUPER happy about this development because he felt really guilty about how badly he hurt her (broke off their engagement a few months into planning) and wanted her to find someone.  I told him months ago that I had a feeling that she was dating someone (just like how I sensed it with Awful...me and my sensing!) and we both wished them them best, so we can all move on with life.

BUT, as nosy as I can be sometimes, I didn't like that he shared this information with me.  I felt like it wasn't truly our business.  That Awful and Ex-Fiance deserve (she more than he) their privacy and happiness without our cyber stalking....but this is just the world we live in.

A few nights ago, I even asked Smartie Best Friend to cyber stalk an old college pal for me, so I am not innocent myself.

My feeling on all this is pretty simple.  I believe in things naturally occurring in life because they are supposed to.  I think there is a greater power out there and if you stay tuned-in and present, sometimes the world gives you the very information you need.  For example, how I have seen Awful 3 times out on his motorcycle and every time he has been with a lady...I am pretty sure that the last 2 times, it has been the same gal.  I feel like I was supposed to see it, that it was a moment in time granted to me.

I often ponder about how Facebook forces this magical serendipity that life can grant.  That FB plays with my fate and best outcome because I know too much about people I shouldn't.  12 years ago, you would find out about an old acquaintance getting married and having a baby by running into them on the street (or maybe your friend would and they would later tell you)....not by seeing every single detail of their relationship from their first date to their trip home from the hospital with their new bundle of joy.

I find it all to be exhausting.  I know it isn't healthy for me.  Especially for my anxiety.

I swear, if I was born 100 years ago, technology wise, I would have still been behind.

I explained this to Crush and whereas he doesn't completely agree with me, he understands my point of view.  He apologized for looking and told me that he wouldn't browse at Awful again (it is so tempting, so if he does, I understand!).  He also let me know that Awful seems very interesting and intelligent and he likes me more for dating someone so "conventionally unattractive" because I am obviously not into looks......I may have almost choked on my coffee when he said that.

I know my feelings about FB are not the majority.  If I could handle it, I would partake, too.

I guess it would be an equal time waster as my almost hourly Daily Mail obsession.

Anger Management, Karma Is A Bitch & Lessons Learned

Hi out there in Blogland!  Crush was here for a quick weekend and it was bittersweet as always. Easy to say hello and hard to say goodbye.

 I love my man, but I enjoy him a million times more not in my current city as I find it hard to cool my jets (I think I just may have quoted Bart Simpson....?!?) when I am here.

Crush's next big real trip will be Memorial Day, but this was a little one that was half work/half play.  He got to attend a first bday party, meet my cousins, see my Grandmartyr (grandmother), and attend a community center symphonic band concert geared for seniors at a local high school that my dad REALLY wanted to go to because some of his buddies (he just retired and joined a men's group where he is the youngest member by 10+ years) were performing.  

As always Crush was a super good sport.  The baseball game I bought us tickets for?  Canceled because of the weather.  The baseball tour I bought us tickets for?  Canceled because of the weather.  The community center concert?  NOT canceled because of the weather.  My gent didn't complain.  Because as he says, "let's not fret over what we cannot control..."  As a control FREAK, I need to remember this sometimes (ALL of the time, actually) and this weekend taught me many lessons which I will get to down below. 

Where I live in the Midwest experienced MAJOR flooding last week/this weekend.  MAJOR.  So bad, that many main highways were closed and traffic was nightmarish.  I mean a 3 Xanax situation.  But, I couldn't take that many because I was driving.  On Friday night, a VERY scary situation happened while I was driving with Crush (country boys don't drive well in the big city) to dinner......we were victims of road rage in the middle of gridlock traffic.  Long story short, a woman behind was experiencing a fit of roadrage directed at the back of my car.  She was screaming, flailing, cursing, and motioning for me to speed up, but there was NO WHERE TO GO.  I knew to just ignore her from all the Reader's Digest articles I have read regarding the subject while I wait in the doctor's office.  

Crush was TERRIFIED as I would have been too, if I wasn't immune to people acting all crazy and whatnot in the VERY corrupt city I live in and told him that I feared that something bad may happen, so let's try to get her plates just in case.....that very second, she taps the back of my car with her car in an effort to push me out of her way.  My car was in park, so I didn't hit the car in front of me and luckily, she had no where to go to get momentum to rail into me.  No damage was done to my car and I would take a few scratches over being hurt.  Seconds later, she aggressively swerved onto the shoulder (it was a real tight spot of the road) opened up her window and continued raging about.  She made the universal symbol for a gun with her hands.  Crush hid under his seat practically and I am terrible at remembering numbers, so I didn't get her license plate, but luckily she drove away on the shoulder of the road and we didn't see her again.  I understood her frustration.  The roads were clogged up the worst I had ever seen them....but the rage, no excuse.  Control yourself.

Then, on Saturday, at the concert, we were all enjoying some music and in the middle, my mother whispered to me for a tissue.  I got her one and thought nothing of it.  But, the woman in front of us sure did.  Between songs, she turned around and said, "You two gossipers need to shut the f*uk up!  My daughter is playing the clarinet tonight and I can't think straight because of your chatting and rustling.  You are animals and should be ashamed of yourself.  Go to hell you goddamn bitches!"  Here is the best part....she was doing a crossword puzzle during the ENTIRE concert.  She literally brought in a newspaper and a pen and a dictionary and was sitting there rustling her own papers.  For a moment, I thought we may have been on Candid Camera the entire thing seemed so silly.  And no, she wasn't a senior, she was perhaps 50ish and EVERYONE around us was talking including several little ones that were accompanied by their grandparents.  This wasn't the New York Symphony either, tickets were $5.00........OY.  It took ALL of my self control not to whomp her.  I had visions of tearing up her puzzle and beating her over the head with her pocket dictionary....but, I didn't.  Instead I cried silently to myself (FOR REAL) about WTF is wrong with people these days and made Crush switch seats with me for the second act, so I didn't have to be behind her.  My mom did the classy thing and apologized for blowing her nose and wished the lady a successful crossword puzzle as only my mom can and then said, "the answer for 11 Down is CONTROL YOURSELF." Mom - 1.  Cross Word Lady - 0. 

All of last night, I was up tossing and turning.  Besides the anger,  which I have been guilty of in the past, too,  I was taught MANY lessons this weekend:

1.  I once made fun of Crush for pooping in a public restroom because his stomach was upset.  I have this weird thing with pooping in public places....well, at lunch with my folks on Friday....I got massive not fun tummy issues and was in the bathroom for 1 hour at a restaurant.  

2.  I give Crush a hard time for spilling on himself when he eats.  At dinner on Saturday, half a bowl of soup ended up in my lap.

3.  I couldn't believe that Crush lost his car last week...I lost mine on Friday in a parking garage and thought it was in a much different spot than it was.  It took me 45 minutes to find. 

4.  Crush loses everything.  It makes me want to explode.  I lost my favorite lipstick and cried on Saturday morning.  I found it in my jacket pocket a few hours later. 

5.  I sometimes call Crush antisocial and make fun of his social skills...In public, I often find him to be awkward, but I think this may come from dating me, a real chatterbox...it is hard to get a word in when I feel like yapping.  I wished for someone not obsessed with his friends because Awful LIVED only for his friends' approval, so I wanted this kind of man and still do, but I can be a mean bitch.  Crush attended 3 hard social situations with me this weekends: parents dinner, bday party for my friend's baby, and an extended family dinner and he did AWESOME.  Held his own, told stories, laughed, and was perfectly appropriate.  I felt like a real blockhead ever doubting him. 

I AM AN ASSHOLE.  Yes, sometimes I am.  But, as Smartie Best Friend once told me, "Yes, you are an asshole once in a while, but you do realize your mistakes and learn from them and that is a good trait."

In the wake of the SO MUCH tragedy around the world.....it is time for everyone, including ME, to slow their roll, take a deep breath, and realize how truly blessed life can be. Learn lessons, control yourself, and realize that few things are really worth fighting over.

And if all else fails, do like me and in the midst of a big personal meltdown, listen or hum the words to "What a Wonderful World".......it will bring you a moment of personal peace, I promise.

And of course, if all all all all and other else fails....take a chill pill.  

Where Oh Where Has My Little Car Gone?

Crush parked his car last night and forget where it was. He found it 4 hours later. I stayed calmed and helped him retrace his steps (even though, inside, I fought the mean demons down who were urging me to question his basic level of intelligence)......Eventually, he found it.....on a street he walked up and down no less than 8 times.

I hope he has a better memory when it comes to some things........like a baby, perhaps.........

PS: I have lost my car in Target's parking lot for 30 minutes and routinely drive off with my coffee cup on the hood of my car, so as much as I want to poke tons of fun.....I can't........