Old Flames on Planes

A few weeks ago I saw a boy I used to love on a plane.  I thought it was him, but then I doubted myself.  I used to think that he was the dreamiest and now he looks, well, he looks old.  Tired, worn and bald.  Not that there is anything wrong with bald, Crush is losing some of his locks and everything about my sweet man is sexy.

My high school crush and I were friends over sixteen years ago.  Close friends, actually.  I dreamt of him on the regular.  I wanted to be so much more than platonic and a few times I really thought that he was going to kiss me.  He never did.  Soon before he left for college, Bitch told him that I said something about him that wasn't true (so high school).  I can't even remember what it was that she accused me of saying, I blocked it from my mind. And then I felt stupid and ashamed.  I was too embarrassed to clear it up and I didn't want to apologize for something I didn't do, so we drifted.  Never spoke to him again.  I hadn't seen him in over fourteen years and wham, there he was, sitting two rows behind me on a Southwest plane.

I stared at him until he said hello.  I had the feeling that if I didn't catch his eye, he would have ignored me as I couldn't tell if he didn't know who I was or if he just didn't want to acknowledge me.  People from the Midwest can be weird about this I have learned.  Ignore you for no reason other than not feeling like having a quick chat.

He was with a girl that he seemed to be dating and I believe that she may have attended our high school, too.  If she wasn't with him, I would have bugged him a bit more.  I would have told him that I once loved him and see how his life turned out, but it just didn't seem like the right time or place. He seemed rather uninterested in talking to me and I can sympathize because it was 6:00 am and I was all revved up on fresh coffee and engagement adrenaline.

When I looked into his eyes, he perhaps lacked true recognition for me or maybe he just doesn't like me because of something he thinks I said over a decade ago.

It is funny how someone can touch you so deeply in life and not even know it.

He was my Jake Ryan and I was just some girl that he went to high school with that he kinda sorta remembers.....

Older

Lately, I feel older.  Not old, just older.

I am not upset about my age, 32.  Sometimes, I get a bit miffed and depressed that I am not married, that I am childless, and that I am not a homeowner.  But, I know that I am a late bloomer and I always have been.  Often I get my good a bit later that most, but it is always worth the wait.

I feel old because my body and what I can tolerate are changing.

No longer can I be on my feet for 2 days straight without my back hurting a bit.  I can't have 3 dirty martinis (my favorite) without a SEVERE hangover.  I feel it when I don't workout.  Fast food makes me bloated, tired, and miserable.  Less than 7 hours of sleep creates HUGE under eye bags and a piss poor attitude.

I was once so resilient and I didn't even know it.

Back in the day, I could slam a fifth of Jim Beam and wake up and work a double shift at 2 different jobs the very next day.  I could eat an entire pizza and drink 8 cans of diet soda in 1 afternoon without even a belch.  I could sleep 2 hours a night for 3 weeks straight and look adorable and not have a mental breakdown.

And yet, I am not at all upset about my older status.

I like how my body is checking me.  Telling me that I must make smart decisions or I will feel it.  I know that if I skip the gym, eat dirty, or miss my sleep...well, I won't be the best me and I like the me I am becoming now, so I am making better decisions.

Long gone are the days of cigarettes, Big Macs (I am still craving 1 from time to time), bottles (glasses are okay) of wine, and 3 1/2 hours of sleep.  I am not sad about this.  I am actually very happy that I am figuring out what my body needs now and I am quickly learning how to listen to her.

Prior to this year, I never had a mind body connection.  I couldn't stop eating when I was full, I couldn't go to sleep when I was tired, and I couldn't workout to relieve my stress.....I just didn't get what I needed to make me feel good.

So, this is progress.  Listening to my inner voice to make the best choices for me.

And as my age goes up, hopefully the scale will go down.

Things That You Can Proudly Do at Age 31 That You Couldn't Do at Age 25......

Go to dinner with your dad at 7:30 pm on a Saturday night to the local diner and be proud that you are sharing your bread basket and your table with the most handsome man in the entire restaurant.

(And for the record, he is my DAD,  people.....he is not some pervert!!!!! Or, perhaps, I need to oil up my skin more because it is believable that I could land a silver fox.....hmmmmmmmmm.......)