I get addicted to things easily. It is a hard fact that I have recently come to terms with. It sucks. I am a creature of habit and I love routine. So when I really like something, even if it is bad for me, I want it in my day (and in my mouth) all the time, anytime. Not good.
As a very little girl, I can tell you that my first vice was apple juice. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for it. My want was so strong that sometimes I would have drunk the last bit at dinner time, so my Dad would actually go out at midnight to buy more for me. At a place really far away because this was 1985 and things weren't open around the clock like they are now.
As I grew older, I liked many things: ice cream, chocolate, bagels and cream cheese, pizza, my still same indulgences, but the next thing that really hooked me was nicotine. I tried my first cigarette when I was thirteen and became a pretty regular smoker by age fifteen (there was one local gas station by my high school that didn't card for cigarettes). At this time, I also became a very regular diet soda drinker.
I see now that I was using cigarettes and diet soda as an appetite suppressant. I was always searching for thin, so smoking and drinking zero calorie chemicals filled me with something to do with my hands and mouth instead of eating actual food. And because I was young and therefore an idiot, it also made me feel very glamorous. Celebrities smoked and drank diet soda, models did, too. Even grungy rockers indulged in smokes and Diet Cokes, it felt so rebellious and grownup.
As the years passed, diet soda and Parliament Lights became a staple. Sometimes it was all I sustained on until dinner time. Smoking became less enticing as the years passed because I could no longer stand the smell and because a smoking ban in bars and restaurants was put into action in Chicago. Besides being a diet aid, smoking was also a way for me to deal with my social anxiety in public. I chained smoked whenever I went out for a night on the town. Hard fact, but going out was actually a bit less fun for me when I couldn't smoke. I finally kicked the smoking habit for good about seven years ago and it actually wasn't that hard, which surprised me. I am pretty good at doing things when I put my mind to it, I just have to be ready to make a major change. I was way ready to no longer smoke.
As my vices peeled away: alcohol, ADHD medicine, pot; food became my new drug. It makes sense because I had never dealt with the beginnings of my eating issues. The ones that started popping up in puberty and were quelled with diet soda and cigarettes before I ever realized that my feelings and actions around food were disordered and extremely unhealthy.
Just recently, after all of these years, I decided to give up my oldest remaining vice, diet soda.
I love diet soda. My top picks are Diet Dr Pepper and Diet Coke. When it gets bad, I can easily drink 5-6 cans a day. Diet soda has always been with me. Through hangovers, all-nighters, finals, 18 hour work days, long drives in the car. I was always drinking one, thinking about drinking one, or on my way to get one.
Over the last year, I have given up most of my empty calories. I eat whole foods and avoid my binging triggers when I can. But, with my clean salads, I was still slugging back the diet soda. It hit me a few weeks ago as I admired my grocery cart in the checkout line. As I unloaded my beautiful produce and lean cuts of meat onto the conveyer belt, the Diet Coke 12-pack wasn't really making sense to me anymore. Yes, that first sip out of a newly opened ice cold can from the fridge is intoxicating, but I actually started to not even really like it all that much. Diet soda had started to leave me feeling polluted and my only real major sugar cravings appeared after I drank a few of them. Sometimes after a few cans or a large fountain cup (ahhh, the best, especially from McDonalds) I would start fixating on a doughnut or cupcake, treats I am not even really a fan of (ice cream YES, baked goods, not so much). And it is worth mentioning, that diet soda has changed the quality of my teeth. All that acid has broken down my enamel and vanity usually wins for me in the end.
I have now been ten days without a diet soda. The first few days were actually brutal. I had horrible migraines, outbursts and cravings for every diet soda I ever tried, including Fresca. I REALLY wanted a Fresca. But within about five days, I was fine. Just like when I gave up smoking. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be once I got past the initial discomfort and break of a long-term routine. I still drink coffee (never giving that up) and I bought lots of fancy bubbly waters and seltzers. I am quenching my thirst just fine. And popping open a little can of Perrier gives me the same satisfaction of having a diet soda in my hand (or cup holder) 24/7.
I am excited. Another vice smashed and hopefully gone forever. It feels incredible to take control over all the things I allowed to get so out of control as major or minor as they may be. Once in a while, I plan to enjoy a cold regular Coca Cola as a special treat and I promise that I will savor every sip of it.
Showing posts with label Food Issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food Issues. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
Time is Flying and the REAL TRUTH About My Weight…...
HI!!!!!!! Helllllllooooooooooo??????!!!!
I have been thinking about blogging for days which turned into weeks which turned into months.
June was the busiest month EVER. We had guests every weekend and an engagement party and we took a trip to Florida to visit best friends and I am currently working two part-time jobs which actually equals one full-time job. The jobs are in different cities and both operate under southern terms (LAST MINUTE EVERYTHING), so I will have my day all planned out and then I will get a text saying to come in (unplanned) or don't come in (as planned) and the whole thing can suck it. It isn't forever and I already have a full-time job lined up when I move, so I can make this work for a few more months. A paycheck is a paycheck and it is really nice to have one (or two!) again!
The wedding planning is coming along. All of a sudden it is getting SO CLOSE. I will be a married lady in less than four months. Gulp. So much to do, but I have my lists and hope to get most of it squared away this month which is actually making me very excited. It is hard to tell clients this, but so much of the wedding planning and decision making (after vendors are selected and contracts are signed) happens just a few months out, so I decided to make July the real decision making month, so I don't have to make final decisions more than once. My invitations have already been printed out and they are FABULOUS! I seriously cannot stop staring at and fondling (not the right word….) them!!!!
So, my weight…..anyone who reads here even just a little knows that it is a huge issue for me.
Over the weekend, Crush and I visited his grandmother for a quick dinner and she was in rare form. I sadly cannot share a lot of what she said about other people because it is not PC and truly awful and she is actually (I am hoping to still think) a very interesting and wonderful person. She comes from a different time and she is currently isolated and alone a lot and I have seen it happen with my own grandmother, that kind of loneliness can create an opinion that isn't nice and often isn't true. She is becoming bitter. Bitter is never much fun.
On Saturday, before we went to eat at a restaurant, Grandmother offered us some cheese and crackers and wine which is very traditional around here. A little cocktail hour. I declined the cheese and crackers as I have been doing for months (I just don't find it worth the calories personally and crackers are a very binge inducing food for me) and then this little conversation happened:
Grandmother: Are you trying to lose weight for the wedding?
R&F: Yes, I have been for a while, not just for the wedding, also for my health.
(She eyes me up and down slowly)
Grandmother: Really??? I haven't noticed a change.
R&F: Yes, I am losing very slowly. I am down a few sizes and it is coming along.
Grandmother: I can't tell. But it is hard to tell with you big girls. You really need to get on it, time is ticking away. You really don't want to be a plus sized bride. Your photo will be in the paper.
R&F: I will keep this all in mind, thank you for the suggestion (what Smartie Best Friend told me to say when you don't want advice, but want to be polite, it shuts down all unwanted commentary. For real! Try it.).
As I sat on her antique couch in the parlor (seriously), I felt my eyes well up with tears, but I got myself together. This is an opinion of a woman almost ninety who comments on every one's weight including her own granddaughter who is WAY too skinny now, but used to be a lot closer to my size. It is funny when you start seeing the flaws in other people's families. It takes time, but no family is perfect.
My own grandmother also has an issue with my body. I discussed it briefly with my sis over text yesterday and she offered me some great insight. My body is tall and broad. I am 5'10". It isn't a body that was around so much a century ago. Women are getting taller and broader and now it isn't so uncommon to see a taller lady. A bigger lady. A beautiful lady who is a presence because of the space she commands when she walks into a room.
I kept to myself about Grandmother's comments. It didn't even really register to Crush. She insults him on the regular about his hair, clothes and posture. Grandmothers are like that a lot and he is immune to commentary which is a quality I find very endearing in him. I cried a bit to myself in the shower yesterday as I wanted life in South Carolina to be free of everything I hated about Chicago, including comments about my weight, but enough idealizing reality! Life is life and a thousand miles doesn't preserve me from idiots. They roam the ENTIRE world.
I haven't binged in months. Months.
I feel so much better.
I am taking it day by day and I can't believe it sometimes. Binging was my best friend for nearly four years. Binging was my constant companion. Binging was my reward for work completed. Binging was a focus to fill my time when many of my friends were busy with their husbands and children and I felt like I couldn't bother them. Binging was my dirty secret that I wanted to keep hidden even as I had to continue to buy larger pants.
Now for THE REAL (I have given bits and pieces in context, but here is the total situation) weight recap:
- My lowest adult weight ever that I remember was 165 pounds. I got there right around my sister's wedding almost five years ago.
- When I started to date Awful, I didn't even realize it at the time, but I began using food as a coping mechanism because I was in an unbalanced and emotionally abusive relationship. One year after my sister's wedding, I was up nearly 50 pounds. The morning of my tummy tuck, I weighed 211 pounds.
- When I moved home with my folks, my weight fluctuated. I began taking the ADHD medicine, Concerta, to help me cope and function. Secretly, I wanted it because I was desperate to lose weight. These kind of medicines make me lose my appetite for weeks and I wanted the easy way out and I needed a push to literally get out of bed because I was so depressed (why my doctor even suggested it, I literally couldn't move some mornings). On the medicine, I lost about 15 pounds. The bounce back effect for me was brutal. I had severe withdrawals and craved carbs, candy and junk food in abundant amounts. I put on all the weight I lost and more.
- During the almost two years I lived with my folks, I was stressed out and depressed. I was in a cycle of using food as a emotional release and I was hurting myself. Gorging so badly, it was like I was in an alcohol stupor many days. My weight ballooned from time to time. For a few weeks, I wouldn't eat much and then I would quickly lose 10 pounds. Then I would eat again and gain weight rapidly. The cycle repeated over and over again. During this time, I began seeking therapy for my food addiction. It took a little bit of practice and patience to take what I was learning and apply it to my life, but I started changing my habits and daily routine. Little my little. At first, I could only go a few days between binges, but it was progress.
- When I moved to Charleston, I got on the scale after allowing myself to eat everything I wanted before I left Chicago. A huge struggle for me in my parents' house involved the little treats (ice cream, bread, potato chips, crackers) they have that I couldn't have around me in the beginning of seeking therapy. I am now okay around all food because I use my strategies and I never allow myself to get too hungry. When I got on the scale my first day in Charleston, finally ready to face this weight battle head on, my weight was…..GULP….my weight was 227 pounds. THE HIGHEST WEIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN. From my thinnest, I was up 62 pounds.
- I decided to go slow and steady. One day at a time. A few pounds at a time. I eat tons of fruits and veggies and lean protein. I love cottage cheese and popcorn. I get excited over new salad recipes. Fresh peaches and watermelon get me going. I allow myself my absolute favorites once in a while: a few slices of Papa Johns pizza, a scrumptious gourmet burger and fries at local place famous for them or a delectable ice cream cone from a candy shop I love. Treats are a part of life. I don't hate myself anymore after I eat them or allow a little slip-up to define my mood and turn me into a total bitch like I used to. Food is food. It isn't the boss of me. There is always room for some yummy when I eat pretty nutritiously most of the time.
- I got on the scale yesterday afternoon feeling VERY defeated by Grandmother. The scale read 190. I have lost 37 pounds since October. My goal weight has been 175 pounds (I think 165 actually looks a little too thin on me) for the wedding and I know that I will get there. Just a little more to go. 175 is my life goal weight. Whereas, it isn't my skinniest, it is a weight I feel healthy and strong at and one I think I can maintain for the long haul. It is a good choice for me.
Whew….this was not easy for me to share. But, I am proud of myself. I have come a long way and for the first time ever, I haven't starved my way down in weight. I want to jump up and down!
Yes, Grandmother may never approve of my big. But, the important thing is that her grandson loves every inch of me and always has, even at ALL of my sizes.
I have been thinking about blogging for days which turned into weeks which turned into months.
June was the busiest month EVER. We had guests every weekend and an engagement party and we took a trip to Florida to visit best friends and I am currently working two part-time jobs which actually equals one full-time job. The jobs are in different cities and both operate under southern terms (LAST MINUTE EVERYTHING), so I will have my day all planned out and then I will get a text saying to come in (unplanned) or don't come in (as planned) and the whole thing can suck it. It isn't forever and I already have a full-time job lined up when I move, so I can make this work for a few more months. A paycheck is a paycheck and it is really nice to have one (or two!) again!
The wedding planning is coming along. All of a sudden it is getting SO CLOSE. I will be a married lady in less than four months. Gulp. So much to do, but I have my lists and hope to get most of it squared away this month which is actually making me very excited. It is hard to tell clients this, but so much of the wedding planning and decision making (after vendors are selected and contracts are signed) happens just a few months out, so I decided to make July the real decision making month, so I don't have to make final decisions more than once. My invitations have already been printed out and they are FABULOUS! I seriously cannot stop staring at and fondling (not the right word….) them!!!!
So, my weight…..anyone who reads here even just a little knows that it is a huge issue for me.
Over the weekend, Crush and I visited his grandmother for a quick dinner and she was in rare form. I sadly cannot share a lot of what she said about other people because it is not PC and truly awful and she is actually (I am hoping to still think) a very interesting and wonderful person. She comes from a different time and she is currently isolated and alone a lot and I have seen it happen with my own grandmother, that kind of loneliness can create an opinion that isn't nice and often isn't true. She is becoming bitter. Bitter is never much fun.
On Saturday, before we went to eat at a restaurant, Grandmother offered us some cheese and crackers and wine which is very traditional around here. A little cocktail hour. I declined the cheese and crackers as I have been doing for months (I just don't find it worth the calories personally and crackers are a very binge inducing food for me) and then this little conversation happened:
Grandmother: Are you trying to lose weight for the wedding?
R&F: Yes, I have been for a while, not just for the wedding, also for my health.
(She eyes me up and down slowly)
Grandmother: Really??? I haven't noticed a change.
R&F: Yes, I am losing very slowly. I am down a few sizes and it is coming along.
Grandmother: I can't tell. But it is hard to tell with you big girls. You really need to get on it, time is ticking away. You really don't want to be a plus sized bride. Your photo will be in the paper.
R&F: I will keep this all in mind, thank you for the suggestion (what Smartie Best Friend told me to say when you don't want advice, but want to be polite, it shuts down all unwanted commentary. For real! Try it.).
As I sat on her antique couch in the parlor (seriously), I felt my eyes well up with tears, but I got myself together. This is an opinion of a woman almost ninety who comments on every one's weight including her own granddaughter who is WAY too skinny now, but used to be a lot closer to my size. It is funny when you start seeing the flaws in other people's families. It takes time, but no family is perfect.
My own grandmother also has an issue with my body. I discussed it briefly with my sis over text yesterday and she offered me some great insight. My body is tall and broad. I am 5'10". It isn't a body that was around so much a century ago. Women are getting taller and broader and now it isn't so uncommon to see a taller lady. A bigger lady. A beautiful lady who is a presence because of the space she commands when she walks into a room.
I kept to myself about Grandmother's comments. It didn't even really register to Crush. She insults him on the regular about his hair, clothes and posture. Grandmothers are like that a lot and he is immune to commentary which is a quality I find very endearing in him. I cried a bit to myself in the shower yesterday as I wanted life in South Carolina to be free of everything I hated about Chicago, including comments about my weight, but enough idealizing reality! Life is life and a thousand miles doesn't preserve me from idiots. They roam the ENTIRE world.
I haven't binged in months. Months.
I feel so much better.
I am taking it day by day and I can't believe it sometimes. Binging was my best friend for nearly four years. Binging was my constant companion. Binging was my reward for work completed. Binging was a focus to fill my time when many of my friends were busy with their husbands and children and I felt like I couldn't bother them. Binging was my dirty secret that I wanted to keep hidden even as I had to continue to buy larger pants.
Now for THE REAL (I have given bits and pieces in context, but here is the total situation) weight recap:
- My lowest adult weight ever that I remember was 165 pounds. I got there right around my sister's wedding almost five years ago.
- When I started to date Awful, I didn't even realize it at the time, but I began using food as a coping mechanism because I was in an unbalanced and emotionally abusive relationship. One year after my sister's wedding, I was up nearly 50 pounds. The morning of my tummy tuck, I weighed 211 pounds.
- When I moved home with my folks, my weight fluctuated. I began taking the ADHD medicine, Concerta, to help me cope and function. Secretly, I wanted it because I was desperate to lose weight. These kind of medicines make me lose my appetite for weeks and I wanted the easy way out and I needed a push to literally get out of bed because I was so depressed (why my doctor even suggested it, I literally couldn't move some mornings). On the medicine, I lost about 15 pounds. The bounce back effect for me was brutal. I had severe withdrawals and craved carbs, candy and junk food in abundant amounts. I put on all the weight I lost and more.
- During the almost two years I lived with my folks, I was stressed out and depressed. I was in a cycle of using food as a emotional release and I was hurting myself. Gorging so badly, it was like I was in an alcohol stupor many days. My weight ballooned from time to time. For a few weeks, I wouldn't eat much and then I would quickly lose 10 pounds. Then I would eat again and gain weight rapidly. The cycle repeated over and over again. During this time, I began seeking therapy for my food addiction. It took a little bit of practice and patience to take what I was learning and apply it to my life, but I started changing my habits and daily routine. Little my little. At first, I could only go a few days between binges, but it was progress.
- When I moved to Charleston, I got on the scale after allowing myself to eat everything I wanted before I left Chicago. A huge struggle for me in my parents' house involved the little treats (ice cream, bread, potato chips, crackers) they have that I couldn't have around me in the beginning of seeking therapy. I am now okay around all food because I use my strategies and I never allow myself to get too hungry. When I got on the scale my first day in Charleston, finally ready to face this weight battle head on, my weight was…..GULP….my weight was 227 pounds. THE HIGHEST WEIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN. From my thinnest, I was up 62 pounds.
- I decided to go slow and steady. One day at a time. A few pounds at a time. I eat tons of fruits and veggies and lean protein. I love cottage cheese and popcorn. I get excited over new salad recipes. Fresh peaches and watermelon get me going. I allow myself my absolute favorites once in a while: a few slices of Papa Johns pizza, a scrumptious gourmet burger and fries at local place famous for them or a delectable ice cream cone from a candy shop I love. Treats are a part of life. I don't hate myself anymore after I eat them or allow a little slip-up to define my mood and turn me into a total bitch like I used to. Food is food. It isn't the boss of me. There is always room for some yummy when I eat pretty nutritiously most of the time.
- I got on the scale yesterday afternoon feeling VERY defeated by Grandmother. The scale read 190. I have lost 37 pounds since October. My goal weight has been 175 pounds (I think 165 actually looks a little too thin on me) for the wedding and I know that I will get there. Just a little more to go. 175 is my life goal weight. Whereas, it isn't my skinniest, it is a weight I feel healthy and strong at and one I think I can maintain for the long haul. It is a good choice for me.
Whew….this was not easy for me to share. But, I am proud of myself. I have come a long way and for the first time ever, I haven't starved my way down in weight. I want to jump up and down!
Yes, Grandmother may never approve of my big. But, the important thing is that her grandson loves every inch of me and always has, even at ALL of my sizes.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Food and Love
Really all I need in this world are food and love.
Food and love have always gone hand in hand for me. From the cookies and ice cream my parents and grandparents loved me up with to show me that they adored me to the candlelit romantic dinners Crush and I still share all too often.
Crush is the first man I have dated who has a normal relationship with food. In the past, I dated binge eaters, manorexics, and even a man who couldn't keep a single morsel of food in his place for fear of sleep eating. All of their eating issues triggered mine terribly, so Crush's non-issues are just a bit more icing on my love cake, not having to worry about food so much makes me feel fantastic and safe.
Normal is a slippery slope word, but I find Crush's habits to fall under the realm of healthy. He eats when he is hungry and passes when he isn't. He has a pretty scheduled routine with food (3 meals a day and 2 snacks) and enjoys some splurges and treats in moderation, but he is fine passing on indulgences, too. I love having him around because he is a super good influence on me. When I am with Crush, I find myself making healthier choices, being more in the moment and less in the pantry, and enjoying the act of sharing a healthy freshly prepared meal.
Since I have moved, I decided to take the power out of the number. Meaning the scale. But, since I am using a calorie tracker and want to get to a healthy weight for me (22 more pounds to go), I do get on the scale from time to time, when I feel like I should (as in a few days ago when my super tight pants felt much looser). I have lost 7 pounds since I moved to Charleston! I think it is a combination of Spinning classes, sleeping well, tracking (science is a bitch, but it works), and my major reduction in stress. When I am stressed, no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight, so less stress and a good sleep routine, are really my most important factors when I am trying to reduce.
The truth is that I am still a person with a food addiction. I am not instantly healed because of my new location. I actually binged yesterday. My first real free for all in Charleston. It wasn't super major compared to the damage I have done in the past, but it wasn't pretty either.
It involved Cheetos, popsicles, an individual cup of ice cream, and an individual pizza. But, I can tell you why I did it which I am proud of. I wasn't feeling well and I slept terribly (Crush was snoring all night and I was feverish). I woke up needing carbs and I ate a NYC bagel (that was in my freezer waiting for me) slattered with butter. From previous experience and pitfalls, carbs in the AM coupled with no sleep can be a recipe to binge for me and sure enough I did. That bagel really shouldn't have been around anyway, but I do try to test myself (as my therapist suggests, to take the power and fear out of food) every once in away and I am proud to say that I have been strong against Wheat Thins and pasta in the house. I find it refreshing to know why I do the things I do when it comes to eating. This has been the most valuable thing I have learned in therapy. That my actions have reactions and not everything is as random as I wish it was because if it was then I wouldn't have the problem I do with food.
I am continuing to track calories and take things one day at a time. Slip ups happen, but it is the overall journey that produces results. The easy fix never works for me anyway. At least Crush's influence is a good one. I hate dated and lived with men who encouraged my bad habits and it is nice to know that I have one less excuse to test my willpower!
Food and love have always gone hand in hand for me. From the cookies and ice cream my parents and grandparents loved me up with to show me that they adored me to the candlelit romantic dinners Crush and I still share all too often.
Crush is the first man I have dated who has a normal relationship with food. In the past, I dated binge eaters, manorexics, and even a man who couldn't keep a single morsel of food in his place for fear of sleep eating. All of their eating issues triggered mine terribly, so Crush's non-issues are just a bit more icing on my love cake, not having to worry about food so much makes me feel fantastic and safe.
Normal is a slippery slope word, but I find Crush's habits to fall under the realm of healthy. He eats when he is hungry and passes when he isn't. He has a pretty scheduled routine with food (3 meals a day and 2 snacks) and enjoys some splurges and treats in moderation, but he is fine passing on indulgences, too. I love having him around because he is a super good influence on me. When I am with Crush, I find myself making healthier choices, being more in the moment and less in the pantry, and enjoying the act of sharing a healthy freshly prepared meal.
Since I have moved, I decided to take the power out of the number. Meaning the scale. But, since I am using a calorie tracker and want to get to a healthy weight for me (22 more pounds to go), I do get on the scale from time to time, when I feel like I should (as in a few days ago when my super tight pants felt much looser). I have lost 7 pounds since I moved to Charleston! I think it is a combination of Spinning classes, sleeping well, tracking (science is a bitch, but it works), and my major reduction in stress. When I am stressed, no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight, so less stress and a good sleep routine, are really my most important factors when I am trying to reduce.
The truth is that I am still a person with a food addiction. I am not instantly healed because of my new location. I actually binged yesterday. My first real free for all in Charleston. It wasn't super major compared to the damage I have done in the past, but it wasn't pretty either.
It involved Cheetos, popsicles, an individual cup of ice cream, and an individual pizza. But, I can tell you why I did it which I am proud of. I wasn't feeling well and I slept terribly (Crush was snoring all night and I was feverish). I woke up needing carbs and I ate a NYC bagel (that was in my freezer waiting for me) slattered with butter. From previous experience and pitfalls, carbs in the AM coupled with no sleep can be a recipe to binge for me and sure enough I did. That bagel really shouldn't have been around anyway, but I do try to test myself (as my therapist suggests, to take the power and fear out of food) every once in away and I am proud to say that I have been strong against Wheat Thins and pasta in the house. I find it refreshing to know why I do the things I do when it comes to eating. This has been the most valuable thing I have learned in therapy. That my actions have reactions and not everything is as random as I wish it was because if it was then I wouldn't have the problem I do with food.
I am continuing to track calories and take things one day at a time. Slip ups happen, but it is the overall journey that produces results. The easy fix never works for me anyway. At least Crush's influence is a good one. I hate dated and lived with men who encouraged my bad habits and it is nice to know that I have one less excuse to test my willpower!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Once In A While An Article Really Hits Home
Are you familiar with xojane?
When it first started, I was a huge fan and since then, I don't love the articles as much as I used to, but once in a while, there is an excellent article that really hits home for me, like this one.
Gaining weight has been the hardest thing for me these past few years. Harder than my abusive relationship with Awful, harder than moving back in with my parents at 30, harder than trying to make a long distance relationship work while I run a very stressful (and often ridiculous) business.
I didn't gain 90 pounds in 1 year like the author, but I did gain 45 pounds in less than 4 years and it has been the biggest weight gain I have ever had. Yes, there have been times in the past that I have put on 15-20 pounds in a few months due to stress, happy new love, or simply falling out of my gym routine. But, these 45 pounds have been different. They were put on solely because I was unhappy, severely depressed, and feeling alone. I emotionally ate my way to a place that even I couldn't really understand. I abused food so severely, that I can no longer fully trust myself to nourish my body without hurting myself bite by bite.
As I look back upon my eating history in therapy, I realize that my relationship with food has always been totally restrictive or completely reckless. There has never been moderation and learning it has been difficult. It is hard to try to build healthy limits with something that soothes me, gives me structure, and keeps me company...but it is food?! Food shouldn't be filling all of these emotional needs as much as it does for me. I am relearning my entire way of thinking about it: hunger cues, fulfilling cravings, eating until I am satisfied. I feel like a baby sometimes.
In a quest to get super real with my journey and stop using crutches to pacify my fear of calories and knowing exactly what I am eating, I have been encouraged to stop WeightWatching and begin tracking calories on a calorie tracker. I am using MyFitness Pal (there are a ton of others out there, too). I have tried calorie tracking before, but not in an entirely healthy way....always by majorly restricting to get a quick result. I am so over doing that, finally.
My food therapist encouraged WeightWatchers until I became disordered with my tracking. You see, WeightWatchers constantly changes their programs (almost yearly) with new plan updates which I hate to say, but are most likely business related....they need update things so current members have to relearn and recommit and new members will be encouraged to join. This new program doesn't work as well for me as some of the past ones I have tried. One of the reasons why is because fruit is "free" of points and since I am a binge eater, I can eat 1,000 calories of it no problem. Additionally, each week gets 49 bonus points which can be consumed as an option and since I see any bonus as an invite to binge, I sometimes eat 49 points mindlessly just because I feel I can.
Some days I would enjoy my favorite breakfast, an egg white sandwich and coffee: eggs whites prepared in real butter, a regular English muffin, a slice of real cheddar cheese, a slice of Canadian bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar. This breakfast would be 15 WeightWatcher points or roughly half of my daily allotment of points even though it is less than 500 calories and I aim to eat 1,800 calories each day. So, after breakfast, I would give up because I would have a client meeting where I knew there would be food, or because I would be going out to dinner with friends late in the evening. I would quit midday. The fear of going over my points would leave me anxiety ridden. Calorie wise I could have made it work, but points wise, it would have been tougher. Again, I was playing complete and utter mind games and I was self sabotaging.
I know WeightWatchers is a great program and works for many people. But for me, a chronic binge eater with a much more severe addiction than I initially thought...well, it is very triggering for my own personal issues. Odd, because counting calories (what has been working for me) is often really really triggering for some. You just never know what will work for you unless you try it!
So, I am calorie tracking and I am currently at a 16 pound loss. The weight loss is slowing down, but I am not rushing it. I really want to learn about my food addiction and what I need to do for me. I don't care it is takes 4 years to get the weight off. There is no rush, I am simply NOT going to ever gain the weight again.
I want food to be my friend. Not my best friend, just a friend. I want to enjoy food, look forward to it from time to time, and enjoy the peace and fulfillment it can provide for me. Not there yet, but everyday food is becoming less of an enemy.
When it first started, I was a huge fan and since then, I don't love the articles as much as I used to, but once in a while, there is an excellent article that really hits home for me, like this one.
Gaining weight has been the hardest thing for me these past few years. Harder than my abusive relationship with Awful, harder than moving back in with my parents at 30, harder than trying to make a long distance relationship work while I run a very stressful (and often ridiculous) business.
I didn't gain 90 pounds in 1 year like the author, but I did gain 45 pounds in less than 4 years and it has been the biggest weight gain I have ever had. Yes, there have been times in the past that I have put on 15-20 pounds in a few months due to stress, happy new love, or simply falling out of my gym routine. But, these 45 pounds have been different. They were put on solely because I was unhappy, severely depressed, and feeling alone. I emotionally ate my way to a place that even I couldn't really understand. I abused food so severely, that I can no longer fully trust myself to nourish my body without hurting myself bite by bite.
As I look back upon my eating history in therapy, I realize that my relationship with food has always been totally restrictive or completely reckless. There has never been moderation and learning it has been difficult. It is hard to try to build healthy limits with something that soothes me, gives me structure, and keeps me company...but it is food?! Food shouldn't be filling all of these emotional needs as much as it does for me. I am relearning my entire way of thinking about it: hunger cues, fulfilling cravings, eating until I am satisfied. I feel like a baby sometimes.
In a quest to get super real with my journey and stop using crutches to pacify my fear of calories and knowing exactly what I am eating, I have been encouraged to stop WeightWatching and begin tracking calories on a calorie tracker. I am using MyFitness Pal (there are a ton of others out there, too). I have tried calorie tracking before, but not in an entirely healthy way....always by majorly restricting to get a quick result. I am so over doing that, finally.
My food therapist encouraged WeightWatchers until I became disordered with my tracking. You see, WeightWatchers constantly changes their programs (almost yearly) with new plan updates which I hate to say, but are most likely business related....they need update things so current members have to relearn and recommit and new members will be encouraged to join. This new program doesn't work as well for me as some of the past ones I have tried. One of the reasons why is because fruit is "free" of points and since I am a binge eater, I can eat 1,000 calories of it no problem. Additionally, each week gets 49 bonus points which can be consumed as an option and since I see any bonus as an invite to binge, I sometimes eat 49 points mindlessly just because I feel I can.
Some days I would enjoy my favorite breakfast, an egg white sandwich and coffee: eggs whites prepared in real butter, a regular English muffin, a slice of real cheddar cheese, a slice of Canadian bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar. This breakfast would be 15 WeightWatcher points or roughly half of my daily allotment of points even though it is less than 500 calories and I aim to eat 1,800 calories each day. So, after breakfast, I would give up because I would have a client meeting where I knew there would be food, or because I would be going out to dinner with friends late in the evening. I would quit midday. The fear of going over my points would leave me anxiety ridden. Calorie wise I could have made it work, but points wise, it would have been tougher. Again, I was playing complete and utter mind games and I was self sabotaging.
I know WeightWatchers is a great program and works for many people. But for me, a chronic binge eater with a much more severe addiction than I initially thought...well, it is very triggering for my own personal issues. Odd, because counting calories (what has been working for me) is often really really triggering for some. You just never know what will work for you unless you try it!
So, I am calorie tracking and I am currently at a 16 pound loss. The weight loss is slowing down, but I am not rushing it. I really want to learn about my food addiction and what I need to do for me. I don't care it is takes 4 years to get the weight off. There is no rush, I am simply NOT going to ever gain the weight again.
I want food to be my friend. Not my best friend, just a friend. I want to enjoy food, look forward to it from time to time, and enjoy the peace and fulfillment it can provide for me. Not there yet, but everyday food is becoming less of an enemy.
Monday, July 8, 2013
We All Have Issues
I have been so MIA. Just working. It is SUPER busy with work. I slept no more than 20 hours TOTAL last week and this is just the nature of my job some months. Excited to hit a different pace in less than 10 weeks!
The move is creeping up and I am feeling positive. I think I found a place to live (Crush is checking it out for me this afternoon) and the resume is all updated and ready to send. I have been making healthy food choices (for the most part) and trying to get to the gym when I can. This last week was all about work and the next 3 will be as well, but when I can, I am popping by the gym to get in some quick cardio. At the very least, it helps with my depression and psoriasis (so not sexy!).
So, I lost another pound. I am staring the almost 10 pound mark in the eye and I know this time is the real time. Big changes for me are being worked on a daily basis. I am eating real food for the first time in my life and losing weight. I don't want to lose the weight eating only Lean Cuisines, butter spray, and diet soda. And I say this because several times that I lost weight it was because I did it with all diet products and fake foods. I feel good. People have been telling me how beautiful my skin is (my face skin as I still have psoriasis a bit on the arms and knees, but it is improving) and it has been years since I have heard this. I am wearing far less makeup and I am feeling attractive. I guess no soda, lots of fruits and veggies, less junk, and minimal booze does make me better looking. I never said I wasn't vain.
Today, after my WW meeting, I hopped over to the gym for a quick cardio session. I have a few gym pet peeves:
1. Why do all women under 25 wear underpants to the gym as shorts? What is up with those booty biter teeny gym daisy dukes? I mean, butt cheeks and vaginas should not be exposed while on the elliptical. I thought camel toes were not a fashion statement when they can be avoided....Some gals have the figure for it and some don't and I am not even hating on that (BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE FIGURE FOR THEM AND WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT)....I just feel that it must be more comfortable to not have 2 inches of "shorts" ride up your crotch on the stair climber.
2. Not wiping off the machine after you usees it. This is obvious. Don't be gross (man who is 75 and wears the cut Gold's Gym tank top with exposed sides that reach the top of your sweat pants, I am talking to you). I wipe off my machine....now you try it too. Can't we all just pull our own weight? The takers of the world don't wipe machines and the givers do, I decided.
3. Asking me when I will be done with something/standing right next to the machine I am using while I am trying to reduce my mass while sighing, tapping your foot, and staring at your watch. Manners people! Manners. I get that everyone has a machine they like to use and we are all in a hurry. Be an adult, wait your turn, and plan for Plan B. Sometimes there is someone on the spin bike with the clip in petals I like to use, so I bring regular gym shoes, too. Because when someone is in the zone pedaling away, I don't want to tap them on the shoulder, make them drop their headphones, and ruin their concentration to ask them to please hurry (this has happened to me multiple times). When I am at the gym, I celebrate the fact that I am there. The gym's policy is 60 minutes per machine and I follow that rule, so don't ask me to get off 3 minutes after I got on (lady with the pink exercise mini skirt....I direct this at you!).
A little more gym chat......no matter what time I am at the gym, there are always 2 different ladies there. It dawned on me today that they have an exercise addiction. They are both less than 100 pounds dripping wet (which they do from all the exercise), do cardio non-stop, and look like nutritionally, they aren't perhaps eating enough......sad. It makes me so sad. I think they compete against one another for who is there the longest and I believe they are there at least 4-6 hours a day. Last week, I forget my headphones and went back in the afternoon between appointments and they were both still there...4 hours later, so I am not being my normal dramatic self.
I am telling you....as I go to the gym more and at infrequent times, I always see them. Well, almost always and for the most part they are both there, but do not interact with each other.
As I pounded the treadmill, I realized, food and exercise and appearance, well, maybe most of us gals have a little something?
I am a binge eater and they have their troubles, too. Yes, I may weigh twice as much as they do, but I am no better and they and vice versa, we just have different issues.
And then I felt positive for me.
Because I am getting help for my issues. I don't know their particular stories or treatment history, but I am working on improving my relationship with food now. Presently, I am trying to improve and I am for me.
Yes, I am 32 and not a young whippersnapper, but I am trying. Both of the gym ladies are older than me and I feel for them. Because I know the hold food can have over life.
I have put so many things on hold because of my weight. So many. And for what? Another private binge that gives me no clarity, security, or long standing happiness?!
I won't waste any more of my life destroying it because of my food addiction.
The move is creeping up and I am feeling positive. I think I found a place to live (Crush is checking it out for me this afternoon) and the resume is all updated and ready to send. I have been making healthy food choices (for the most part) and trying to get to the gym when I can. This last week was all about work and the next 3 will be as well, but when I can, I am popping by the gym to get in some quick cardio. At the very least, it helps with my depression and psoriasis (so not sexy!).
So, I lost another pound. I am staring the almost 10 pound mark in the eye and I know this time is the real time. Big changes for me are being worked on a daily basis. I am eating real food for the first time in my life and losing weight. I don't want to lose the weight eating only Lean Cuisines, butter spray, and diet soda. And I say this because several times that I lost weight it was because I did it with all diet products and fake foods. I feel good. People have been telling me how beautiful my skin is (my face skin as I still have psoriasis a bit on the arms and knees, but it is improving) and it has been years since I have heard this. I am wearing far less makeup and I am feeling attractive. I guess no soda, lots of fruits and veggies, less junk, and minimal booze does make me better looking. I never said I wasn't vain.
Today, after my WW meeting, I hopped over to the gym for a quick cardio session. I have a few gym pet peeves:
1. Why do all women under 25 wear underpants to the gym as shorts? What is up with those booty biter teeny gym daisy dukes? I mean, butt cheeks and vaginas should not be exposed while on the elliptical. I thought camel toes were not a fashion statement when they can be avoided....Some gals have the figure for it and some don't and I am not even hating on that (BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE FIGURE FOR THEM AND WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT)....I just feel that it must be more comfortable to not have 2 inches of "shorts" ride up your crotch on the stair climber.
2. Not wiping off the machine after you usees it. This is obvious. Don't be gross (man who is 75 and wears the cut Gold's Gym tank top with exposed sides that reach the top of your sweat pants, I am talking to you). I wipe off my machine....now you try it too. Can't we all just pull our own weight? The takers of the world don't wipe machines and the givers do, I decided.
3. Asking me when I will be done with something/standing right next to the machine I am using while I am trying to reduce my mass while sighing, tapping your foot, and staring at your watch. Manners people! Manners. I get that everyone has a machine they like to use and we are all in a hurry. Be an adult, wait your turn, and plan for Plan B. Sometimes there is someone on the spin bike with the clip in petals I like to use, so I bring regular gym shoes, too. Because when someone is in the zone pedaling away, I don't want to tap them on the shoulder, make them drop their headphones, and ruin their concentration to ask them to please hurry (this has happened to me multiple times). When I am at the gym, I celebrate the fact that I am there. The gym's policy is 60 minutes per machine and I follow that rule, so don't ask me to get off 3 minutes after I got on (lady with the pink exercise mini skirt....I direct this at you!).
A little more gym chat......no matter what time I am at the gym, there are always 2 different ladies there. It dawned on me today that they have an exercise addiction. They are both less than 100 pounds dripping wet (which they do from all the exercise), do cardio non-stop, and look like nutritionally, they aren't perhaps eating enough......sad. It makes me so sad. I think they compete against one another for who is there the longest and I believe they are there at least 4-6 hours a day. Last week, I forget my headphones and went back in the afternoon between appointments and they were both still there...4 hours later, so I am not being my normal dramatic self.
I am telling you....as I go to the gym more and at infrequent times, I always see them. Well, almost always and for the most part they are both there, but do not interact with each other.
As I pounded the treadmill, I realized, food and exercise and appearance, well, maybe most of us gals have a little something?
I am a binge eater and they have their troubles, too. Yes, I may weigh twice as much as they do, but I am no better and they and vice versa, we just have different issues.
And then I felt positive for me.
Because I am getting help for my issues. I don't know their particular stories or treatment history, but I am working on improving my relationship with food now. Presently, I am trying to improve and I am for me.
Yes, I am 32 and not a young whippersnapper, but I am trying. Both of the gym ladies are older than me and I feel for them. Because I know the hold food can have over life.
I have put so many things on hold because of my weight. So many. And for what? Another private binge that gives me no clarity, security, or long standing happiness?!
I won't waste any more of my life destroying it because of my food addiction.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Things Are Not Always How I Think They Are...
I learned a really big lesson this past week.
I need to trust.
I need to trust myself, my family, my friends, and food.
I need to trust that food is not my worst enemy.
This past week was my first week on WeightWatchers for the 6th official time.
I followed the program 6 our of 7 days, I went to the gym 4 times, and I binged, too....
I binged all day on Saturday, but mostly on healthy things....but, still, it was emotional and mindless eating done in a frenzied and manic way.
I moped around all day on Sunday. Felt so blah. Blamed everyone (mostly Crush) for my stress and then spent a long time at the gym watching Shallow Hal on the elliptical (it was on Fox Family) and realized a lot of messages from that stupid silly movie.
Yes, Shallow Hal reminded me that it is what is on the inside that counts. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
I tossed and turned all Sunday night in a state of despair. Should I weigh in on Monday or not? Because I thought for sure I was way up in the pounds department and last Monday when I reported in, I discovered that I was 10 pounds heavier than the last time I attempted WeightWatchers mere months ago. I didn't want to face being perhaps 15 pounds heavier this week. Could I take it? I love having a bit of a pity party for myself these days.....
But, I thought.....well, Rome wasn't built in a day and I promised myself last week at WW, that I would mentally commit to the program for 1 year. That's all. I will ride this out for 1 year. The downs, the ups, the sames...I will at least try.
Last week my awesome WW leader shared something that a member told her upon her 10th time attempting to lose weight with WW and FINALLY doing it:
"I lost 60 pounds because I stopped trying to fight the plan. I stopped trying to make excuses for something not working because I didn't want it to work. I let myself go along with what I signed up to do and all of a sudden it worked."
So, I did something I hate doing before a weigh-in. I peaked at the scale on Monday morning at the gym before I went to my meeting. I wanted to prepare myself if their was a huge gain. Because I didn't want to cry. But, I didn't want to skip out because I binged. I wanted to face the scale.
And........
I was down 5.4 pounds.
That is right. 5.4 pounds gone.
I got on and off the scale 10 times. Just to check.
And when I got on the scale 45 minutes later at WeightWatchers for my official weigh-in, I was still down 5.4 pounds.
The lesson:
I sometimes do not see my own reality. Because I have failed sometimes, I set myself up to fail always. I do not always believe I am capable, so then I become incapable. The fear is in my mind.
Overall, I did well at WeightWatchers regardless of the loss because I tracked 6 out of 7 days and that is WAY better than normal procedure for me.
I am feeling ready to do this.
1 day at a time.
I need to trust.
I need to trust myself, my family, my friends, and food.
I need to trust that food is not my worst enemy.
This past week was my first week on WeightWatchers for the 6th official time.
I followed the program 6 our of 7 days, I went to the gym 4 times, and I binged, too....
I binged all day on Saturday, but mostly on healthy things....but, still, it was emotional and mindless eating done in a frenzied and manic way.
I moped around all day on Sunday. Felt so blah. Blamed everyone (mostly Crush) for my stress and then spent a long time at the gym watching Shallow Hal on the elliptical (it was on Fox Family) and realized a lot of messages from that stupid silly movie.
Yes, Shallow Hal reminded me that it is what is on the inside that counts. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.
I tossed and turned all Sunday night in a state of despair. Should I weigh in on Monday or not? Because I thought for sure I was way up in the pounds department and last Monday when I reported in, I discovered that I was 10 pounds heavier than the last time I attempted WeightWatchers mere months ago. I didn't want to face being perhaps 15 pounds heavier this week. Could I take it? I love having a bit of a pity party for myself these days.....
But, I thought.....well, Rome wasn't built in a day and I promised myself last week at WW, that I would mentally commit to the program for 1 year. That's all. I will ride this out for 1 year. The downs, the ups, the sames...I will at least try.
Last week my awesome WW leader shared something that a member told her upon her 10th time attempting to lose weight with WW and FINALLY doing it:
"I lost 60 pounds because I stopped trying to fight the plan. I stopped trying to make excuses for something not working because I didn't want it to work. I let myself go along with what I signed up to do and all of a sudden it worked."
So, I did something I hate doing before a weigh-in. I peaked at the scale on Monday morning at the gym before I went to my meeting. I wanted to prepare myself if their was a huge gain. Because I didn't want to cry. But, I didn't want to skip out because I binged. I wanted to face the scale.
And........
I was down 5.4 pounds.
That is right. 5.4 pounds gone.
I got on and off the scale 10 times. Just to check.
And when I got on the scale 45 minutes later at WeightWatchers for my official weigh-in, I was still down 5.4 pounds.
The lesson:
I sometimes do not see my own reality. Because I have failed sometimes, I set myself up to fail always. I do not always believe I am capable, so then I become incapable. The fear is in my mind.
Overall, I did well at WeightWatchers regardless of the loss because I tracked 6 out of 7 days and that is WAY better than normal procedure for me.
I am feeling ready to do this.
1 day at a time.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Weight Updates and Other Food Blunders
Please don't judge the even more typos than normal on this post, I'm typing it from my iPad between appointments.
So, the eating these days has been out of control. Emotional. Yearning. Obsessing. Not fun.
This results in utter self loathing. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to be accountable for plans. Not wanting to take a photo. Hiding from life. Food is a real addiction. It makes me do things I wish I didn't do.
I am getting back to basics with my diet. The first step is no more dieting and no more scale.
Both turn into obsessive competitions for me. Little pictures, when I need to be focusing on my big one.....the food abuse that comes with emotional eating.
First step for me is simply retraining my hunger cues. Am I eating because I am hungry? 90 percent of the time I am not. I am reaching for food for distraction, for comfort, for companionship....in the past I used sex, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol to ease the same feelings and now food is my last addiction to confront head on.
I haven't actually gained weight. A few pounds of vacation last week, but nothing major. The thing is that I feel the tidal wave of a binge brewing. I feel the self hatred, depression, and lack of excitement that often accompanies a binge and I don't want to do it this time. I want to face it. I want to feel the pain that needs to escape from me. I need to stop using food as my ban-aid and let my wounds heal naturally. It is time.
This all being said, I will let you all know about the food issues, but I'm putting the scale away for a bit and quitting the calorie counting for weight loss (just journaling and counting for a reference point for my hunger cues) and I am going to work this out. Inside out, top to bottom, tears and self hatred to come. I am ready. For many reasons. But, mostly because who I am to judge Crush for his shortcomings and stupid what he may dos when I am addicted to food.
Always Right Bestie read yesterday's post and offered me great insight with my recent struggles. The message was that we all have something to work on. Crush with his social skills a bit and thinking before he acts and me......well, food is just the tip of the iceberg. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite......
Happy Hump Day!
So, the eating these days has been out of control. Emotional. Yearning. Obsessing. Not fun.
This results in utter self loathing. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to be accountable for plans. Not wanting to take a photo. Hiding from life. Food is a real addiction. It makes me do things I wish I didn't do.
I am getting back to basics with my diet. The first step is no more dieting and no more scale.
Both turn into obsessive competitions for me. Little pictures, when I need to be focusing on my big one.....the food abuse that comes with emotional eating.
First step for me is simply retraining my hunger cues. Am I eating because I am hungry? 90 percent of the time I am not. I am reaching for food for distraction, for comfort, for companionship....in the past I used sex, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol to ease the same feelings and now food is my last addiction to confront head on.
I haven't actually gained weight. A few pounds of vacation last week, but nothing major. The thing is that I feel the tidal wave of a binge brewing. I feel the self hatred, depression, and lack of excitement that often accompanies a binge and I don't want to do it this time. I want to face it. I want to feel the pain that needs to escape from me. I need to stop using food as my ban-aid and let my wounds heal naturally. It is time.
This all being said, I will let you all know about the food issues, but I'm putting the scale away for a bit and quitting the calorie counting for weight loss (just journaling and counting for a reference point for my hunger cues) and I am going to work this out. Inside out, top to bottom, tears and self hatred to come. I am ready. For many reasons. But, mostly because who I am to judge Crush for his shortcomings and stupid what he may dos when I am addicted to food.
Always Right Bestie read yesterday's post and offered me great insight with my recent struggles. The message was that we all have something to work on. Crush with his social skills a bit and thinking before he acts and me......well, food is just the tip of the iceberg. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite......
Happy Hump Day!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Sick, Emotional Eating, Doubt and Other Updates....
I have been just going through the motions this week.....not fun. Ever since I get back from down south, I have been sick sick sick. Exhausted, stuffed up, sneezy. I have allergies now. I have never had them before.
Sneezing hurts terribly, but the relief I get from a sneeze feels so delicious....very much like popping a zit. Bring it on.
As for my emotional eating. It has been out of control. I looked at the calendar and I realized that in 5 months, I will be moving and I FREAKED OUT. I am not hungry. I am filling a hole. My mouth. For the first time ever, I bought a few books on emotional eating and I will say, I feel way less alone about it. For years and years, I thought my eating habits were so shameful, strange, and manic that I was the only person in the world going through a food addiction. The thing is that I like healthy food and overall, I have pretty good habits: I don't drink alcohol hardly ever (6 drinks or less a month), I don't smoke, I like to workout, I love my fruits and veggies. It is my own mindset about food that is truly messed up. I punish myself for eating too much. I get filled with self hate when I eat something that I didn't even want or plan for. I become depressed when I have to miss the gym for such things as nursing my cold or meeting with clients. This isn't working for me. I have to fix my mind. I plan on working through it in therapy. One day at a time.
As for Crush, well, things are a bit ho-hum on that front, but I am getting afraid of something that always seems to creep into my relationships after a while....indifference. Lately, I just don't have the yearning and passion for Crush that I once did. Everything he does makes me annoyed and it didn't use to be this way. You see, I hold a grudge. Ewww, but I totally do. When someone hits me in a sensitive spot, I have a hard time recovering and the last trip down, Crush hit me in a spot which made my blood boil (more on this is a moment)...several times actually, and he didn't even realize he was doing it.
I need to figure this out. I have been super mean to him this last week. I know it is because I am not feeling well, I am attending a big family event for him this weekend and I am tired of traveling, I am feeling insecure about my weight, and I don't feel up to meeting the hundreds (yes, seriously) of people that I will have to face in a few short days. I just want to stay in bed and sneeze. I just want to get into a daily routine. I just want to sleep. No one ever said a long-distance relationship was easy...
So, as for my sensitive spot.....Crush doesn't think before he speaks. He does and says things sometime that make me question his mental state. I am really harsh, so it is totally possible that I am over-sensitive and insane, I know this.
The 2 things that happened when I visited, both after my friends left, that left me with a very bad taste in my mouth:
1. He told me we needed to see each other more even though we have seen each other 10 times, with 4 future trips planned (this weekend, in 3 weeks, Memorial weekend, and then 2 weeks after that) and now my busy season starts. Of those 10 times we have already gotten together: 6 - I have gone to him, 1- We met in the middle, 2 - he came to me. I have planned every single trip. Flights, hotels, meals.....I am super sick of it. When I ask him for input, he acts interested and then never follows up. So, in reality, I am being sent the message that he is not super interested in planning anything, just seeing me. Time to be a grownup, Crush.
THE COMMENT PISSED ME OFF! I work many many weekends and when I do make the time and trip to see him, there is a ton that needs to be done work wise to make it happen. I am giving up my life here (happily) and moving (to a state and place I love), but still, where is the appreciation?
2. He did something that scared me. So much so, that I am having to really reflect on it. It was such a stupid thing to do. I was driving his car and had been for 2 hours (driving myself to the airport) and 5 minutes from my final destination, Crush takes it upon himself to adjust my seat, WHILE I AM DRIVING. He pulled the seat adjuster thing and all of a sudden I went flying backwards while going 80 mph on the expressway and my feet no longer touched the petals. I thought we were going to die.
In those mere seconds, my life flashed before my eyes. So much so, that one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a while was because I was questioning if I should even share this. I swerved through traffic and was able to figure out how to slide my seat all the way forward, so I could at least gain control of the car. In my absolute freak out, I did manage to scream...."WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!??????" and all he could say was "I was trying to help you, you looked uncomfortable, I was trying to help you!!!!!"
Where is the sense? We could have died. I am still processing this. Can I have children with a person that would does this? He knows what he did was stupid. He said it was "the dumbest thing I ever did" and I want to believe him. I do. Because I love him. He wants to help everyone. All at the same time. It is something I hate about him, but love about him, too. What is a gal to do?!
It has been keeping me up night after night.
Sneezing hurts terribly, but the relief I get from a sneeze feels so delicious....very much like popping a zit. Bring it on.
As for my emotional eating. It has been out of control. I looked at the calendar and I realized that in 5 months, I will be moving and I FREAKED OUT. I am not hungry. I am filling a hole. My mouth. For the first time ever, I bought a few books on emotional eating and I will say, I feel way less alone about it. For years and years, I thought my eating habits were so shameful, strange, and manic that I was the only person in the world going through a food addiction. The thing is that I like healthy food and overall, I have pretty good habits: I don't drink alcohol hardly ever (6 drinks or less a month), I don't smoke, I like to workout, I love my fruits and veggies. It is my own mindset about food that is truly messed up. I punish myself for eating too much. I get filled with self hate when I eat something that I didn't even want or plan for. I become depressed when I have to miss the gym for such things as nursing my cold or meeting with clients. This isn't working for me. I have to fix my mind. I plan on working through it in therapy. One day at a time.
As for Crush, well, things are a bit ho-hum on that front, but I am getting afraid of something that always seems to creep into my relationships after a while....indifference. Lately, I just don't have the yearning and passion for Crush that I once did. Everything he does makes me annoyed and it didn't use to be this way. You see, I hold a grudge. Ewww, but I totally do. When someone hits me in a sensitive spot, I have a hard time recovering and the last trip down, Crush hit me in a spot which made my blood boil (more on this is a moment)...several times actually, and he didn't even realize he was doing it.
I need to figure this out. I have been super mean to him this last week. I know it is because I am not feeling well, I am attending a big family event for him this weekend and I am tired of traveling, I am feeling insecure about my weight, and I don't feel up to meeting the hundreds (yes, seriously) of people that I will have to face in a few short days. I just want to stay in bed and sneeze. I just want to get into a daily routine. I just want to sleep. No one ever said a long-distance relationship was easy...
So, as for my sensitive spot.....Crush doesn't think before he speaks. He does and says things sometime that make me question his mental state. I am really harsh, so it is totally possible that I am over-sensitive and insane, I know this.
The 2 things that happened when I visited, both after my friends left, that left me with a very bad taste in my mouth:
1. He told me we needed to see each other more even though we have seen each other 10 times, with 4 future trips planned (this weekend, in 3 weeks, Memorial weekend, and then 2 weeks after that) and now my busy season starts. Of those 10 times we have already gotten together: 6 - I have gone to him, 1- We met in the middle, 2 - he came to me. I have planned every single trip. Flights, hotels, meals.....I am super sick of it. When I ask him for input, he acts interested and then never follows up. So, in reality, I am being sent the message that he is not super interested in planning anything, just seeing me. Time to be a grownup, Crush.
THE COMMENT PISSED ME OFF! I work many many weekends and when I do make the time and trip to see him, there is a ton that needs to be done work wise to make it happen. I am giving up my life here (happily) and moving (to a state and place I love), but still, where is the appreciation?
2. He did something that scared me. So much so, that I am having to really reflect on it. It was such a stupid thing to do. I was driving his car and had been for 2 hours (driving myself to the airport) and 5 minutes from my final destination, Crush takes it upon himself to adjust my seat, WHILE I AM DRIVING. He pulled the seat adjuster thing and all of a sudden I went flying backwards while going 80 mph on the expressway and my feet no longer touched the petals. I thought we were going to die.
In those mere seconds, my life flashed before my eyes. So much so, that one of the reasons I haven't blogged for a while was because I was questioning if I should even share this. I swerved through traffic and was able to figure out how to slide my seat all the way forward, so I could at least gain control of the car. In my absolute freak out, I did manage to scream...."WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!!!??????" and all he could say was "I was trying to help you, you looked uncomfortable, I was trying to help you!!!!!"
Where is the sense? We could have died. I am still processing this. Can I have children with a person that would does this? He knows what he did was stupid. He said it was "the dumbest thing I ever did" and I want to believe him. I do. Because I love him. He wants to help everyone. All at the same time. It is something I hate about him, but love about him, too. What is a gal to do?!
It has been keeping me up night after night.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Diet & Binge Updates
Since I returned from the South, I have lost the weight I gained over the holiday, but I haven't lost any more. I am fine with this. Since recommitting to myself, I have lost 7 pounds total, I have 25 to go. I am basically where I have been for a while, holding steady.
I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan. It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this. I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points. It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700). For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes. I am over it. I want to eat real, pure, and realistically. WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.
I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive. She gets it. I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.
The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have. I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way. I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.
So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges. Because it is a daily struggle. I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this. This is emotional. This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.
Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control. My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly. Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.
I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept. I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist. I did buy the book just because I am interested. For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.
I will keep you posted!
I have been going to my WeightWatchers meetings, but I haven't really been following the plan. It was the only diet that has ever worked for me, so it has always been my fallback, but it is not working for me anymore and I am fine with this. I don't believe in fake food and synthetic sugar anymore, so eating naturally for the most part takes up all of my points. It is this confusing thing that is happening....I am over my points because of my food choices, but under my daily recommended caloric intake for a day to lose 1 pound a week (1,700). For example, some days, I will have only consumed 1,400 calories, but I went WAY over my daily points allowance because I opted for a latte with 2 percent milk and real sugar, white toast with real butter, and a small portion of steak and mashed potatoes. I am over it. I want to eat real, pure, and realistically. WeightWatchers is no longer my miracle.
I find the weekly WeightWatchers meetings to be motivating, like therapy, and my leader is so inspiring and supportive. She gets it. I go and weigh and listen and talk about food issues, but I don't support all of the "carrots have too much sugar", "use 4 Splenda packets in your banana oatmeal and freeze it overnight for an ice cream substitute, "and "100 calorie packs are my savior, I bring them to the movies for a sweet treat" (I need like 4 to even scratch my itch for sweet!).....these tidbits are not going to work long-term for me, they just won't.
The truth: I NEVER followed WeightWatchers as I should have. I always made up my own rules and made it work in my own way. I drank alcohol 5 nights a week and ate veggies and drank diet soda for every meal and lost 35 pounds and called it WeightWatchers....that was not the program they advertised, it was my interpretation.
So, in the last few weeks, I have been journaling my meals and following what causes me to binge and feel totally out of control with my food urges. Because it is a daily struggle. I am going to beat this once and for all, but there is no easy way out of this. This is emotional. This is about breaking bad habits. This is getting to the bottom of my issues once and for all.
Every time I eat processed carbs: chips, bagels, bread, cereal, english muffins, crackers, or cookies (my regular diet staples and favorite things!) I spin out of control. My entire day and often my entire week gets off track and I am super hungry constantly. Oddly enough, I have observed that I can handle small portions of oatmeal, rice, pasta, corn, and potatoes and be totally satisfied, full, and fine.
I did a bit of research and there is this diet book (perhaps a fad, I don't know the research on it), Wheat Belly, that discusses this concept. I believe for best results the book recommends that you can cut out rice, dairy, and corn, but that will never happen for me...I need those things to exist. I did buy the book just because I am interested. For me now though, I am just going to cut out processed wheat and see how I feel and if it helps with my binging as my journaling has lead me to believe it just may.
I will keep you posted!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Ready and Ready
I have been waiting for a change pertaining to food. WHY?
Well, I will say it again....blah blah blah....I am ALL or NOTHING and I like immediate gratification.
Every time I have ever lost weight, I haven't done it healthily. I have restricted, I have used medication (my anxiety medicine reduces me appetite), I have put foods on yes or no lists.
I haven't lost the weight I want to lose yet for life, for me, because I haven't been in it for the long haul. For the after. I have been in it for the event. For the wedding I didn't want to attend single AND fat, for my ten year high school reunion, for the big trip to the beach....it has been exhausting. Really. I have put myself through an emotional and physical roller coaster. For nothing.
I have done so much short term work without finally reaching a longstanding goal. A few pounds shouldn't define possibilities for me. And yet it does.
In the last few weeks, I have been trying to close up some old business. Get myself ready for September and the big move down south. I AM SO EXCITED. I feel like this year is a bit transitional, but also just what I need because I am not scared to be me anymore. I know I am leaving, so I don't have to worry too much about the future in my city. I will NEVER come back. Regardless of how it plays out with Crush, I am not supposed to be here anymore and I spreading my wings and preparing to fly.
This morning, I had to pass on my daily workout as my back is really bothering me....I am getting older, a hard workout leaves me sore and tight some mornings. I then immediately felt very anxiety ridden because I rely on the gym to balance my bad eating. Essentially, I can still binge and maintain my weight with a hard workout...
All of a sudden, it dawned on me......(AND I ALREADY KNOW THIS!).....it's the eating AND the exercise that will make the scale move. I can't keep playing games. Emotionally, it is too exhausting. I set myself up for failure and then I fail. It isn't fair to me. I haven't been treating myself well.
So, I got out my special journal. The very one I made my wish list for Crush (who came to me exactly 2 months later) for in and I wrote a new list. This one I titled:
WEIGHT LOSS FOR LIFE =
1. Get to the healthy weight of 165 and stay there (this is a good healthy weight for me, a solid size 10 and shapely, not too thin, perfect for me)
2. Help my anxiety, self doubt, and confidence through healthy diet and exercise
3. Be active (not only the gym, a walk around the block counts, too!) 5 times a week
4. Wear some of my favorite dresses and jeans again (I love them and I am close to fitting back in some, so it really shouldn't be that big of a deal)
5. Feel wonderful at a few huge family events (both Crush and myself have them coming up)
6. Feel confident showing my arms again (I am super self conscious of them these days)
7. Be excited about seeing people I haven't seen in a long time
8. Learn and relearn healthy habits, so I can set a good example for my future husband and children
9. Wear a bikini proudly this summer at the beach
10. Go to my WeightWatchers meeting EVERY Monday I am in town (I have been out of town for Crush and work, I go back Monday)
SEE IT! BELIEVE IT! ACHIEVE IT!
Well, I will say it again....blah blah blah....I am ALL or NOTHING and I like immediate gratification.
Every time I have ever lost weight, I haven't done it healthily. I have restricted, I have used medication (my anxiety medicine reduces me appetite), I have put foods on yes or no lists.
I haven't lost the weight I want to lose yet for life, for me, because I haven't been in it for the long haul. For the after. I have been in it for the event. For the wedding I didn't want to attend single AND fat, for my ten year high school reunion, for the big trip to the beach....it has been exhausting. Really. I have put myself through an emotional and physical roller coaster. For nothing.
I have done so much short term work without finally reaching a longstanding goal. A few pounds shouldn't define possibilities for me. And yet it does.
In the last few weeks, I have been trying to close up some old business. Get myself ready for September and the big move down south. I AM SO EXCITED. I feel like this year is a bit transitional, but also just what I need because I am not scared to be me anymore. I know I am leaving, so I don't have to worry too much about the future in my city. I will NEVER come back. Regardless of how it plays out with Crush, I am not supposed to be here anymore and I spreading my wings and preparing to fly.
This morning, I had to pass on my daily workout as my back is really bothering me....I am getting older, a hard workout leaves me sore and tight some mornings. I then immediately felt very anxiety ridden because I rely on the gym to balance my bad eating. Essentially, I can still binge and maintain my weight with a hard workout...
All of a sudden, it dawned on me......(AND I ALREADY KNOW THIS!).....it's the eating AND the exercise that will make the scale move. I can't keep playing games. Emotionally, it is too exhausting. I set myself up for failure and then I fail. It isn't fair to me. I haven't been treating myself well.
So, I got out my special journal. The very one I made my wish list for Crush (who came to me exactly 2 months later) for in and I wrote a new list. This one I titled:
WEIGHT LOSS FOR LIFE =
1. Get to the healthy weight of 165 and stay there (this is a good healthy weight for me, a solid size 10 and shapely, not too thin, perfect for me)
2. Help my anxiety, self doubt, and confidence through healthy diet and exercise
3. Be active (not only the gym, a walk around the block counts, too!) 5 times a week
4. Wear some of my favorite dresses and jeans again (I love them and I am close to fitting back in some, so it really shouldn't be that big of a deal)
5. Feel wonderful at a few huge family events (both Crush and myself have them coming up)
6. Feel confident showing my arms again (I am super self conscious of them these days)
7. Be excited about seeing people I haven't seen in a long time
8. Learn and relearn healthy habits, so I can set a good example for my future husband and children
9. Wear a bikini proudly this summer at the beach
10. Go to my WeightWatchers meeting EVERY Monday I am in town (I have been out of town for Crush and work, I go back Monday)
SEE IT! BELIEVE IT! ACHIEVE IT!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Eating FAIL
I am not eating well these days. Oy. I know. Same old story. It is getting so tired over here. But, I need to be accountable.
While I was away, I ate a bunch. I enjoyed some yummy fare like fried chicken, biscuits, and collard greens and I didn't gain a pound. Impressive! As I mentioned before, my Crush has a really good and healthy relationship with food, so being around him is great for me. I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full and we take walks and dance*!
*(I know, the dance stuff surprised me, too. When he first wanted to dance with me, I got SUPER embarrassed and acted like a sixth grade girl and blushed and said, "No, I don't know how".....in a Kardashian baby voice whine, but then I got over myself and opened myself up to my 2 left feet and dancing is now my favorite thing ever! Did I mention, we are going to take lessons for fun (not for wedding practice, for FUN) when I move?! Oh yes!)
Back to my eating issues....so when I got home, I got on the scale and I was the same, which lead me to eat everything in sight regardless of hunger for the past three days and now I have heartburn and I am scared to get on the scale. And the biggest issue is that I know why I am doing it, yet I can't stop! I have work to do that I am avoiding doing, so I am eating to distract myself instead of working. Yes, I may ignore my hunger signals, but I know why I do things....progress?! Perhaps it is.
So, I am back to tracking starting now and I am going to stop feeling bad for myself and track and move my tush and get that resume updated and figure out all of my pending tasks and I am going to function. Angels just sang, I need to function! I know the eating well works for me when the rest of my life is in control.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!
While I was away, I ate a bunch. I enjoyed some yummy fare like fried chicken, biscuits, and collard greens and I didn't gain a pound. Impressive! As I mentioned before, my Crush has a really good and healthy relationship with food, so being around him is great for me. I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full and we take walks and dance*!
*(I know, the dance stuff surprised me, too. When he first wanted to dance with me, I got SUPER embarrassed and acted like a sixth grade girl and blushed and said, "No, I don't know how".....in a Kardashian baby voice whine, but then I got over myself and opened myself up to my 2 left feet and dancing is now my favorite thing ever! Did I mention, we are going to take lessons for fun (not for wedding practice, for FUN) when I move?! Oh yes!)
Back to my eating issues....so when I got home, I got on the scale and I was the same, which lead me to eat everything in sight regardless of hunger for the past three days and now I have heartburn and I am scared to get on the scale. And the biggest issue is that I know why I am doing it, yet I can't stop! I have work to do that I am avoiding doing, so I am eating to distract myself instead of working. Yes, I may ignore my hunger signals, but I know why I do things....progress?! Perhaps it is.
So, I am back to tracking starting now and I am going to stop feeling bad for myself and track and move my tush and get that resume updated and figure out all of my pending tasks and I am going to function. Angels just sang, I need to function! I know the eating well works for me when the rest of my life is in control.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!!!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The Very Last Thing
I have a few goals for 2013 that I really want to accomplish. I plan to make a post about them soon to hold me accountable, but one is so important that I am dedicating this here post to it......you know what I am going to say......I must get the rest of the weight off.
I am actually okay at the weight I am at. I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness. I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling. Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.
I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man. I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out. Swoon. I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships. Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.
Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private). Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there). I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place. I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy. My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.
This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty. There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss. We will see. If there isn't, next week will be better. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.
I am ready to do this once and for all. 16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready. I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME. Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!
I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.
35 pounds is not going to define me.
I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off. With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.
For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life, I simply feel ready.
I am actually okay at the weight I am at. I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness. I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling. Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.
I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man. I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out. Swoon. I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships. Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.
Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private). Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there). I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place. I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy. My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.
This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty. There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss. We will see. If there isn't, next week will be better. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.
I am ready to do this once and for all. 16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready. I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME. Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!
I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.
35 pounds is not going to define me.
I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off. With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.
For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life, I simply feel ready.
Monday, December 17, 2012
WeightWatchers Week 1
-1 pound. I am pleased. I binged all weekend as that is how I deal with my emotions.
I didn't track everything and I aim to really be conscious and clued in this week.
I make things way too hard for myself.
I am committed to doing this. Not trying, doing. I don't care how long it takes.
I didn't track everything and I aim to really be conscious and clued in this week.
I make things way too hard for myself.
I am committed to doing this. Not trying, doing. I don't care how long it takes.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Here We Go Again
After much thought and over-analization, I decided to rejoin WeightWatchers. Oy. This is my 6th time.
I have been very successful on it twice, but I have yet to maintain my 30 pound losses or really improve my habits for life, the point of the program. I have always wanted to change for life, but I am ALL about instant gratification and immediate results, so I play with the program and basically cheat it into working FAST and the minute I stop tracking, I blow up again.
For the last few weeks, I have been struggling. I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating when I am not hungry, turning to junk food for comfort, and procrastinating about going to the gym. I am so ALL or NOTHING as I have mentioned countless times before.
Last week, I started thinking about the times in my life when I ate for satisfaction, I had control over my intake, and I looked best.........and all I could think about was WeightWatchers when I actually followed the program correctly and didn't need instant results (this happened once in my weight loss journey). I know it doesn't work for many people, but it seems to work for me, mostly because I like playing games and WeightWatchers is a game with the points values and whatnot. If you haven't ever checked it out, I do recommend it, but the losses are SLOW, so keep that in mind.
This past Monday (2 days ago), I went to a WeightWatchers meeting. I got myself in the door and on the scale and I saw a number I wasn't happy with, but it didn't surprise me. I have 37 pounds to lose to get to goal according to WeightWatchers. Since, I am a big lady and broad, I am thinking more like 25 pounds, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.
So, something happened that has NEVER happened before, the leader, a fundamental part of the program....was AWESOME! I have never ever liked or related to the person running the meeting (the leader) until now. She reminded me of me or perhaps the kind of person I would aspire to be someday! She had this warmness and energy that is addicting, I just wanted to crawl right into her arms. After the meeting, as a newly rejoined member, I stayed after to set goals and get a refresher on the program and my new leader, Ann, asked me why I came in, what made me wake up and drive to the meeting.......I had to think about it all for a second and responded:
" I am ready, I really can't stand playing around with food anymore and I want to get this under control, so I can be a better and more grounded person all around."
Ann told me, "You will do it this time, I know it, you will make this work for you for the longterm, 6th time is a charm. All the times before have been practice and have prepared you, but this time, this time is for you and it for real."
What Ann said made me think of my wonderful Crush. All the men before him taught me so much about myself, but they were practice, they were for preparation, now things with Crush have been super easy because I am ready! Perhaps WeightWatchers this time will be just like that.
I replied to Ann, "I will try."
She responded, "No you won't try, YOU WILL! The difference this time is that you will NOT try, you will and I am going to help you get there. Start reframing your thoughts, there is no TRYING in this, there is only DOING!"
I am so excited! Weigh-ins are on Mondays and I will post my statuses each week.
Hope all is well with everyone and so good to be back!
I have been very successful on it twice, but I have yet to maintain my 30 pound losses or really improve my habits for life, the point of the program. I have always wanted to change for life, but I am ALL about instant gratification and immediate results, so I play with the program and basically cheat it into working FAST and the minute I stop tracking, I blow up again.
For the last few weeks, I have been struggling. I haven't necessarily been binging, but I have been eating when I am not hungry, turning to junk food for comfort, and procrastinating about going to the gym. I am so ALL or NOTHING as I have mentioned countless times before.
Last week, I started thinking about the times in my life when I ate for satisfaction, I had control over my intake, and I looked best.........and all I could think about was WeightWatchers when I actually followed the program correctly and didn't need instant results (this happened once in my weight loss journey). I know it doesn't work for many people, but it seems to work for me, mostly because I like playing games and WeightWatchers is a game with the points values and whatnot. If you haven't ever checked it out, I do recommend it, but the losses are SLOW, so keep that in mind.
This past Monday (2 days ago), I went to a WeightWatchers meeting. I got myself in the door and on the scale and I saw a number I wasn't happy with, but it didn't surprise me. I have 37 pounds to lose to get to goal according to WeightWatchers. Since, I am a big lady and broad, I am thinking more like 25 pounds, so we will cross that bridge when we get there.
So, something happened that has NEVER happened before, the leader, a fundamental part of the program....was AWESOME! I have never ever liked or related to the person running the meeting (the leader) until now. She reminded me of me or perhaps the kind of person I would aspire to be someday! She had this warmness and energy that is addicting, I just wanted to crawl right into her arms. After the meeting, as a newly rejoined member, I stayed after to set goals and get a refresher on the program and my new leader, Ann, asked me why I came in, what made me wake up and drive to the meeting.......I had to think about it all for a second and responded:
" I am ready, I really can't stand playing around with food anymore and I want to get this under control, so I can be a better and more grounded person all around."
Ann told me, "You will do it this time, I know it, you will make this work for you for the longterm, 6th time is a charm. All the times before have been practice and have prepared you, but this time, this time is for you and it for real."
What Ann said made me think of my wonderful Crush. All the men before him taught me so much about myself, but they were practice, they were for preparation, now things with Crush have been super easy because I am ready! Perhaps WeightWatchers this time will be just like that.
I replied to Ann, "I will try."
She responded, "No you won't try, YOU WILL! The difference this time is that you will NOT try, you will and I am going to help you get there. Start reframing your thoughts, there is no TRYING in this, there is only DOING!"
I am so excited! Weigh-ins are on Mondays and I will post my statuses each week.
Hope all is well with everyone and so good to be back!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Commitment
Oy....this is hard to admit, but I have actually put on 5 pounds!
It isn't because of the holidays, treats in the office, or attending tons of parties like many this time of year...it's simply because I am not committed.
I want to lose weight, I really do. 27 more pounds to be exact, but I don't have the fire, the dedication, the for lack of better words...OBSESSION, that makes it possible for me to lose weight. I do well all day and then around 4:00 pm, "the fuck it monster" settles in my brain and tells me that I am hungry and then I do stupid impulsive things like eat an entire medium pizza by myself (true story occurred last night, I had a breakthrough and tracked it because it did indeed happen!).
So where do things stand for me and my food issues now?
Well, they are still around, the issues I mean, but the binging is conscious and present and becoming this separation from need and want. I used to NEED To binge. Like chemically, I had to stuff my face with food. Now, I just want to because it makes me feel safe and it is a habit, a bad one at that, but it's familiar. Binging feels like a nap to me, warm, secure, an escape in every sense.
Now that my love tank is no longer empty (I today stole that from Vicki from the Real Housewives of Orange Country who had a very low love tank when she was with Donn)...because of Crush, my need to fill myself up is less manic. I simply love the taste and relaxation that comes with the mindless eating, but it is not something that I must do.
Currently, the pending issue is that in the back of my mind, I kinda know that food is the ultimate reward, like if I complete something I must do, I can have that cookie! Bad, bad, bad.
What now? Well, I plan to track EVERYTHING! The good, the bad, the ugly, and the WTF. I just want to see it all. So what if I eat 4 times my daily calorie target? I just want to see it, to own it, and to then deal with the reality of my choices, loses or gains. Because if I am actually doing it, there is no point hiding from it. There is no point being sad when jeans don't button or dresses don't fit. The food is ending up in my mouth because I put it there.
I am the only person feeding myself and it is on me to make the changes, if I want the results.
More to come on this of course!
It isn't because of the holidays, treats in the office, or attending tons of parties like many this time of year...it's simply because I am not committed.
I want to lose weight, I really do. 27 more pounds to be exact, but I don't have the fire, the dedication, the for lack of better words...OBSESSION, that makes it possible for me to lose weight. I do well all day and then around 4:00 pm, "the fuck it monster" settles in my brain and tells me that I am hungry and then I do stupid impulsive things like eat an entire medium pizza by myself (true story occurred last night, I had a breakthrough and tracked it because it did indeed happen!).
So where do things stand for me and my food issues now?
Well, they are still around, the issues I mean, but the binging is conscious and present and becoming this separation from need and want. I used to NEED To binge. Like chemically, I had to stuff my face with food. Now, I just want to because it makes me feel safe and it is a habit, a bad one at that, but it's familiar. Binging feels like a nap to me, warm, secure, an escape in every sense.
Now that my love tank is no longer empty (I today stole that from Vicki from the Real Housewives of Orange Country who had a very low love tank when she was with Donn)...because of Crush, my need to fill myself up is less manic. I simply love the taste and relaxation that comes with the mindless eating, but it is not something that I must do.
Currently, the pending issue is that in the back of my mind, I kinda know that food is the ultimate reward, like if I complete something I must do, I can have that cookie! Bad, bad, bad.
What now? Well, I plan to track EVERYTHING! The good, the bad, the ugly, and the WTF. I just want to see it all. So what if I eat 4 times my daily calorie target? I just want to see it, to own it, and to then deal with the reality of my choices, loses or gains. Because if I am actually doing it, there is no point hiding from it. There is no point being sad when jeans don't button or dresses don't fit. The food is ending up in my mouth because I put it there.
I am the only person feeding myself and it is on me to make the changes, if I want the results.
More to come on this of course!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Not Good
Alright....coming clean. This week has been terrible eating-wise. Seriously, the worst week in a long time. I returned one week ago from a few heavenly days with Crush and since then, I have been a bottomless pit. Ice cream, pizza, a hot dog, onion rings, peanut butter, pasta, sour cream and onion chips, brownies, cookie, McDonalds, cheese....so not good in every way. It's not even that the food is junky, which it is, it's the fact that I don't even want the food. It's a mindless immediate need to fill this hole, this hunger. I am not ignoring it this time. I want to figure this out, I don't want to get swept up in this tidal wave of want again because really, inside, I am actually satisfied. I had one of the most delicious apples of my life yesterday and I thought to myself, "this apple is really amazing" and then I ate tons of chips afterwards until I almost puked....WHY?
Things I am proud of, I only ate 4 pieces of Halloween candy, that is a plus....but, I did eat half of a bag of chocolate chips...hahahaha. No, I seriously did. I should have just had a few more fun size Snickers...weirdo I am.
So, where is this hunger coming from? It's a really good question and one I am thinking about non-stop.....I think a lot of it has to do with transition as I have mentioned before. I eat through transitions....college, quarter-life crisis, new relationships, break-ups, fights with friends. Food has always soothed me, distracted me, offered me an immediate release. I am not going to let it win again, I have to beat this!!!!!
I am scared. I feel so lucky that Crush is in my life. Pinch me good, really. He is the BEST. I am a smitten kitten. I don't think I have ever been in love before now, it makes me a bit sad, actually. It's so real, it's scary. I have an awful way of going about things sometimes. I think way past the situation at hand. I daydream past the kisses we will have next week when we see each other again and I obsess about weddings and babies and then I panic and then I eat. I must stay present. I must stay in the moment. I am self-sabotaging. I am getting myself so wrapped up in a fantasy that I am not enjoying the good fortune. I can see this, so at least that is progress, right?! I have this fucked up way of dealing with the opposite sex because I have always been called fat by boys, by men. I love to be told I am beautiful, but I want the outside to not matter at all. I'm such a hypocrite. I know I am. I want to be told I am gorgeous, but I want no one to care about how I look. Fucked up.
When I am told I am attractive, it triggers me to eat. Yesterday, the old man at my eye doctor told me I was stunning and then I went to McDonalds. Today, the lanky college guy at Starbucks gave me a grande instead of a tall because he liked my glasses (I complimented his, too) and then I got fro yo with tons of toppings that tasted like chemicals and I didn't like it and I scraped the bottom on the cup nonetheless. I don't think I am this sex bomb, I think I look happy because I am in love, so I must be giving off a vibe...but, well, compliments trigger me. Cray cray, I am. Oy, I must love myself. I have worked hard to accept all of me and love every inch...every lump and bump and imperfection and then, well, then, I don't treat myself, my soul, nicely. I am being so hateful to myself, the person I need to love up 24-7.
In an effort to not regain my weight loss, tomorrow, I am back to tracking, I know it is the way I can be accountable. I am also going to learn how to just accept a compliment. The truth is that I love to give a compliment and I mean every single one I give.
It's time for me to be able to accept one.
Things I am proud of, I only ate 4 pieces of Halloween candy, that is a plus....but, I did eat half of a bag of chocolate chips...hahahaha. No, I seriously did. I should have just had a few more fun size Snickers...weirdo I am.
So, where is this hunger coming from? It's a really good question and one I am thinking about non-stop.....I think a lot of it has to do with transition as I have mentioned before. I eat through transitions....college, quarter-life crisis, new relationships, break-ups, fights with friends. Food has always soothed me, distracted me, offered me an immediate release. I am not going to let it win again, I have to beat this!!!!!
I am scared. I feel so lucky that Crush is in my life. Pinch me good, really. He is the BEST. I am a smitten kitten. I don't think I have ever been in love before now, it makes me a bit sad, actually. It's so real, it's scary. I have an awful way of going about things sometimes. I think way past the situation at hand. I daydream past the kisses we will have next week when we see each other again and I obsess about weddings and babies and then I panic and then I eat. I must stay present. I must stay in the moment. I am self-sabotaging. I am getting myself so wrapped up in a fantasy that I am not enjoying the good fortune. I can see this, so at least that is progress, right?! I have this fucked up way of dealing with the opposite sex because I have always been called fat by boys, by men. I love to be told I am beautiful, but I want the outside to not matter at all. I'm such a hypocrite. I know I am. I want to be told I am gorgeous, but I want no one to care about how I look. Fucked up.
When I am told I am attractive, it triggers me to eat. Yesterday, the old man at my eye doctor told me I was stunning and then I went to McDonalds. Today, the lanky college guy at Starbucks gave me a grande instead of a tall because he liked my glasses (I complimented his, too) and then I got fro yo with tons of toppings that tasted like chemicals and I didn't like it and I scraped the bottom on the cup nonetheless. I don't think I am this sex bomb, I think I look happy because I am in love, so I must be giving off a vibe...but, well, compliments trigger me. Cray cray, I am. Oy, I must love myself. I have worked hard to accept all of me and love every inch...every lump and bump and imperfection and then, well, then, I don't treat myself, my soul, nicely. I am being so hateful to myself, the person I need to love up 24-7.
In an effort to not regain my weight loss, tomorrow, I am back to tracking, I know it is the way I can be accountable. I am also going to learn how to just accept a compliment. The truth is that I love to give a compliment and I mean every single one I give.
It's time for me to be able to accept one.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Up and Other Thoughts
I gained 3 pounds since last week. It's okay. Tracking is the magic for me. I know this and yet I fight it. When I track I lose. My mind plays tricks on me otherwise. I know what I have to do. I am motivated to do it. To get this under control for ME. Not for my family, not for Crush. Baby steps, baby steps.
I didn't binge yesterday.....but, I ate 3 pieces of pizza. Big pieces. They were scrumptious. And I was hungry. It was really my meal of the day in between appointments, emails, and errands. It was weird, me versus pizza, because every bite was so yummy and controlled. I took breaks in between pieces and still went for more. I am trying to focus on my need to eat. Hunger? Anxiety? Sadness? Procrastination? Cockiness (when people tell me I look skinny, I eat.....mind games!)?......Yesterday, I was just hungry. I can't beat myself up for it even though I know better choices could have been made and I let myself get way too hungry. I made a mental note and I have moved on.
Now, enough about me and my food issues.
I am so lucky that I have power, my refrigerator works, my gym is open, I can drive my car, I just took a steaming hot shower. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people on the East Coast and Caribbean who have been hit by Hurricane Sandy. I wish you a quick recovery and I sympathize with your epic losses, I cannot imagine the devastation. My sister is right in the area and says it is simply unlike anything she has ever seen. Her hubby had to go to work (he works in a service type position) and she is home safe with the baby. They have enough food for a while, she was smart to prepare.
I think about everyone who is suffering, the good people who lost loved ones, who no longer have a place to go, or a car to drive. In a time of tragedy, I realize how self obsessed and silly I am sometimes. It's just pizza....right?! Like my mom says sometimes..."GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!!"
Life changes quickly. People who were safe and warm in homes a few days ago are now homeless. Walls, floors, and memories washed away. Like I always say, so much can change so quickly. BE STRONG. I wish everyone suffering the best. It will get better, it always does. So sorry you must live through this.
I didn't binge yesterday.....but, I ate 3 pieces of pizza. Big pieces. They were scrumptious. And I was hungry. It was really my meal of the day in between appointments, emails, and errands. It was weird, me versus pizza, because every bite was so yummy and controlled. I took breaks in between pieces and still went for more. I am trying to focus on my need to eat. Hunger? Anxiety? Sadness? Procrastination? Cockiness (when people tell me I look skinny, I eat.....mind games!)?......Yesterday, I was just hungry. I can't beat myself up for it even though I know better choices could have been made and I let myself get way too hungry. I made a mental note and I have moved on.
Now, enough about me and my food issues.
I am so lucky that I have power, my refrigerator works, my gym is open, I can drive my car, I just took a steaming hot shower. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people on the East Coast and Caribbean who have been hit by Hurricane Sandy. I wish you a quick recovery and I sympathize with your epic losses, I cannot imagine the devastation. My sister is right in the area and says it is simply unlike anything she has ever seen. Her hubby had to go to work (he works in a service type position) and she is home safe with the baby. They have enough food for a while, she was smart to prepare.
I think about everyone who is suffering, the good people who lost loved ones, who no longer have a place to go, or a car to drive. In a time of tragedy, I realize how self obsessed and silly I am sometimes. It's just pizza....right?! Like my mom says sometimes..."GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!!"
Life changes quickly. People who were safe and warm in homes a few days ago are now homeless. Walls, floors, and memories washed away. Like I always say, so much can change so quickly. BE STRONG. I wish everyone suffering the best. It will get better, it always does. So sorry you must live through this.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Binge Free: Day 5 (Week 1)
I received a wonderful comment from Danielle over at Zombie Love Affair regarding binge eating and I ALWAYS appreciate feedback with anything I post, so THANK YOU! Also, her blog is really really great, but I am sure most of you already know that.
She shared that perhaps I should set up weekly goals binge free instead of monthly ones and I thought about it and I was like....DUH, that is a GREAT idea.
This will be less pressure for me and I know I can do a week as I just did it a while back. So, I am going to go for weeks binge free and not months and go piece by piece, baby steps.
As for yesterday, it was a really good day and then I got a bit snacky late night. I will admit why.......shhhhhhhh.....
So, I had a very good conversation with Crush last night as I typically do and he is a total gentleman, always...... I fear I may be the future pervert with us which is actually quite good as Awful was the perviest perv in the nation (I just gagged) and made me do things sometimes that were WAY outside of my comfort zone.
WHY DID I DO THEM YOU ASK? Low self esteem......moving on....
So, when I talk to Crush, Isometimes often get turned on. Yes, his accent is something of my dreams, but it's not just that, it is what he has to say. He is so smart, and kind, and relatable, and he just feels safe to me. Also, we have SO MUCH in common, down to even the way we were raised which is what we spoke about last night (sharing rooms with our siblings, climbing in our parents' beds in the morning and cuddling, being nursed, favorite children's books....), I made a joke that I fear that we may be actually related. So, when I get off the phone with him, I can be hot and bothered. And then I can't sleep. And then I try to read and I have these crazy explicit thoughts. So, then, I eat crackers and cheese. I had a 500 calorie late night snack last night....it happens......I should go to the gym, I am a member of a 24 hour one, so that may just be the thing. Or get a new vibrator....
Oh yes, I ate 2,300 calories yesterday. It happens. Today is starting well.
She shared that perhaps I should set up weekly goals binge free instead of monthly ones and I thought about it and I was like....DUH, that is a GREAT idea.
This will be less pressure for me and I know I can do a week as I just did it a while back. So, I am going to go for weeks binge free and not months and go piece by piece, baby steps.
As for yesterday, it was a really good day and then I got a bit snacky late night. I will admit why.......shhhhhhhh.....
So, I had a very good conversation with Crush last night as I typically do and he is a total gentleman, always...... I fear I may be the future pervert with us which is actually quite good as Awful was the perviest perv in the nation (I just gagged) and made me do things sometimes that were WAY outside of my comfort zone.
WHY DID I DO THEM YOU ASK? Low self esteem......moving on....
So, when I talk to Crush, I
Oh yes, I ate 2,300 calories yesterday. It happens. Today is starting well.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Drunkorexic
Drunkorexia is another "new craze" that has been around forever.... I won't claim to be the founder, but I was definitely in the club for about 9 years (age 20 - 29)....I mean, you can't do the horrible things I did and said without some booze rattling the already messed up mind.
I started college a bit fluffy (word we like to call chubby in my circle) for me. I was looking sleek senior year, but then I had a very bad accident summer before college which left me in bed isolating myself and drinking milkshakes.
Then, OY, the Freshman 40 happened. I mean, I started college as a perfectly fluffy size 12 (up from a no-hipped 10) and ballooned to a size 16 by Xmas break. This was brought to you exclusively by rounds at the dining hall (like 4 plates full at each meal as we later found out, the ring leader of the "eating team" was actually bulimic....R&F in college = TOTAL dumb ass), drinking every night, and pizza breadsticks at 3am (ROCK BOTTOM INVOLVED TEQUILA, BREADSTICKS, PEE, VOMIT, BED, ALONE).
ALSO, if you are going to college, invest $10.00 and buy a full-length mirror from Wal-Mart. I did not have one in my college dorm room and I remember coming home on break and looking in the mirror and thinking "who is this person?" when I saw that I had eaten my former self. Also, true story, my friends and I all got fat (I do believe I gained the most weight...WINNING HERE) freshman year and we developed this lie, this notion, that we weren't fat, it was actually the mirror's fault (fuck you, you, you, mirrrrrrooooorrrrrrrrr!). The term "fat mirror" was coined to help us deal with our excessive fatness and I truly believed most of the time that I looked HOT, it was the fun house mirror at Express lying to me.
Did I digress again? You know it!!!
Back to Drunkorexia......well, by summer going into junior year, I was done with the excuses. I wanted to be a girl of the year 2000 and wear backless tops, show my nipples and sideboob, stuff myself into some black pants, and perhaps even a baby-tee that showed my navel. I wanted to be my own version of She's All That, only my metamorphosis wouldn't be from nerd to hot, it would be from fat to thin. Also and most importantly, I heard that someone who I considered a friend had nicknamed me something that had to do with a huge zoo animal.
So, I enrolled in WeightWatchers, just like Jessica Simpson. Only I did it more than a decade before her, so I am cooler (actually, I LOVE her for real, so she is way cooler, always! I wish her weight loss as I know this all must be so hard for her and those daisy dukes are like a size minus zero and I was never ever a size minus zero). Only my "version" of WeightWatchers involved eating as many zero points foods as I could (sugar free jello, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, diet soda) and then drinking my points. So, I would eat 27 points a day made up of this: 2 points for egg whites, 0 points for sugar free jello and lettuce, and 25 points for green apple vodka. WHOOOOOT! Get it girl, you can count! I lost 39.5 pounds in just under 4 months and actually maintained that loss give or take about 7 pounds for the rest of college. I also farted like a machine, reeked of asparagus pee, and got all my energy from Diet Cherry Pepsi and Parliament Lights. I basically was Tara Reid.
After college, I did begin to eat as there were yummy restaurants to try and paychecks to not save. Anytime I knew I would be drinking though (which was often), I restricted my calories to less than 500 or so in an attempt to get drunk really fast and have calories to soak up the booze with late night food (pizzas, say what!?).
Even though I am not down too much, I look so much better booze-free. I am less puffy and bloated and I have eyes now, not just 2 little slits that rest in my face that are red and blood-shot.
I am so surprised that WeightWatchers never asked me to be an official spokesperson.....
I started college a bit fluffy (word we like to call chubby in my circle) for me. I was looking sleek senior year, but then I had a very bad accident summer before college which left me in bed isolating myself and drinking milkshakes.
Then, OY, the Freshman 40 happened. I mean, I started college as a perfectly fluffy size 12 (up from a no-hipped 10) and ballooned to a size 16 by Xmas break. This was brought to you exclusively by rounds at the dining hall (like 4 plates full at each meal as we later found out, the ring leader of the "eating team" was actually bulimic....R&F in college = TOTAL dumb ass), drinking every night, and pizza breadsticks at 3am (ROCK BOTTOM INVOLVED TEQUILA, BREADSTICKS, PEE, VOMIT, BED, ALONE).
ALSO, if you are going to college, invest $10.00 and buy a full-length mirror from Wal-Mart. I did not have one in my college dorm room and I remember coming home on break and looking in the mirror and thinking "who is this person?" when I saw that I had eaten my former self. Also, true story, my friends and I all got fat (I do believe I gained the most weight...WINNING HERE) freshman year and we developed this lie, this notion, that we weren't fat, it was actually the mirror's fault (fuck you, you, you, mirrrrrrooooorrrrrrrrr!). The term "fat mirror" was coined to help us deal with our excessive fatness and I truly believed most of the time that I looked HOT, it was the fun house mirror at Express lying to me.
Did I digress again? You know it!!!
Back to Drunkorexia......well, by summer going into junior year, I was done with the excuses. I wanted to be a girl of the year 2000 and wear backless tops, show my nipples and sideboob, stuff myself into some black pants, and perhaps even a baby-tee that showed my navel. I wanted to be my own version of She's All That, only my metamorphosis wouldn't be from nerd to hot, it would be from fat to thin. Also and most importantly, I heard that someone who I considered a friend had nicknamed me something that had to do with a huge zoo animal.
So, I enrolled in WeightWatchers, just like Jessica Simpson. Only I did it more than a decade before her, so I am cooler (actually, I LOVE her for real, so she is way cooler, always! I wish her weight loss as I know this all must be so hard for her and those daisy dukes are like a size minus zero and I was never ever a size minus zero). Only my "version" of WeightWatchers involved eating as many zero points foods as I could (sugar free jello, asparagus, broccoli, lettuce, diet soda) and then drinking my points. So, I would eat 27 points a day made up of this: 2 points for egg whites, 0 points for sugar free jello and lettuce, and 25 points for green apple vodka. WHOOOOOT! Get it girl, you can count! I lost 39.5 pounds in just under 4 months and actually maintained that loss give or take about 7 pounds for the rest of college. I also farted like a machine, reeked of asparagus pee, and got all my energy from Diet Cherry Pepsi and Parliament Lights. I basically was Tara Reid.
After college, I did begin to eat as there were yummy restaurants to try and paychecks to not save. Anytime I knew I would be drinking though (which was often), I restricted my calories to less than 500 or so in an attempt to get drunk really fast and have calories to soak up the booze with late night food (pizzas, say what!?).
Even though I am not down too much, I look so much better booze-free. I am less puffy and bloated and I have eyes now, not just 2 little slits that rest in my face that are red and blood-shot.
I am so surprised that WeightWatchers never asked me to be an official spokesperson.....
More Dreams
I woke up in the middle of the night again last night and I ate a few snacks....pretzels and cookies. It is such an automatic reflex, it isn't even something I notice until I am in the middle of doing it. I know how this whole eating at night thing started.....
When I drank to excess in years past, I would often wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated and when I mustered up enough strength, I would stumble to the kitchen and slam soda (always diet) and carby snacks, so I wouldn't puke. Often the bubbles and bread helped and I would wake up feeling like shit, just not like total shit. I always wrote these calories off as an absolute necessity (so they didn't ever count) because I mean, I would puke if I didn't eat them, so they were crucial (perhaps I shouldn't have been drinking to puketown....hmmmmmm)
Then, I was taking sleeping pills for a while when I first went on my anxiety medicine. I am afraid of the dark (I still am, but I am working through it) and coupled with my anxiety, I went through a phase a few years ago when I didn't sleep for months....perhaps 3-4 hours a day max and it wasn't always at nighttime. The good news, I had Bravo, Lifetime, MTV, VH1, Oxygen and my absolute favorite WE, so I could be constantly entertained by quality programming in the wee hours of the morning.
The sleeping pills, unleashed the eating monster in me. Rooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr. I would sleep eat and be just consciousness enough to not choke, but it wasn't fun and I stopped taking the sleeping pills very soon after I woke up with a half eaten Lean Pocket (meatball and marinara flavor, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) stuck to the back of my pajama pants. Reality check.
One of the advantages, there were a few, to dating Awful, was that I slept. I slept because he had the side of the bed by the door, he had a security system, he owned several guns (many collectables and serious rifles), and he had a sure shot that could rival Annie Oakley. I mean Awful did have some talent....he could have seriously shot a pea right through the middle from 50 yards away. When I once saw him slay some birds, I had very mixed feelings of being impressed and being appalled. Contradiction he was, blue-blooded WASP democrat who killed baby animals....I digress, I digress again and again and again....
I can admit this now, one of the reasons I stayed with Awful was becausehis parents had a summer house, he had a boat, he owned a home in an expensive city, I slept. I really slept, like black out slept sober, and it was something after years of not sleeping, that I really needed. I do look forward to one day sharing a bed with a non-Awful because though I hate to snuggle and I am a hot sleeper (I like really cold sleeping quarters, cannot be confined by top sheets, and socks while sleeping is my version of hell), I do love the company of another warm body in a big cozy bed in a very chilly room.
My dream last night involved Dunbar from the Real World: Sidney. It was brought to my attention that Dummy Bear (what all those cool MTVers call him) did some porn and I may have watched the clip (if you find it, SO NSFW obviously) and I will never get those 6 minutes of my life back even though sometimes (shhhhhhh) I do enjoy me some erotic film. Being intimate with Dunbar in my dream made me feel like I was in college and whereas I like that feeling most of the time, I do remember being in some pretty bad sexy situations that I walked right into without knowing how to get out..one of them is that I was had sex with someone like on three separate occasions (I have been told) and I do not remember any one of those occasions.....I mean NOT good and I am SO lucky.
Being naked in my dream with Dunbar felt a bit like that.
Also, then I went to Starbucks in my dream and ordered a vanilla latte and forgot to say nonfat and then I thought they gave me whole milk even through I do believe the default is now 2% and then I never even got to drink that fattening delicious latte because my nephew came into my bed screaming "Rowseeeeeeeee" at 5am with really bad morning breath (I never knew 2 year olds can have terrible morning breath) because I must admit that I do a killer rendition of Ring Around the Rosie complete with a tickle-pickle (I made this genius up myself) breakdown that comes immediately after we all fall down.
Talent people, talent.
When I drank to excess in years past, I would often wake up in the middle of the night dehydrated and when I mustered up enough strength, I would stumble to the kitchen and slam soda (always diet) and carby snacks, so I wouldn't puke. Often the bubbles and bread helped and I would wake up feeling like shit, just not like total shit. I always wrote these calories off as an absolute necessity (so they didn't ever count) because I mean, I would puke if I didn't eat them, so they were crucial (perhaps I shouldn't have been drinking to puketown....hmmmmmm)
Then, I was taking sleeping pills for a while when I first went on my anxiety medicine. I am afraid of the dark (I still am, but I am working through it) and coupled with my anxiety, I went through a phase a few years ago when I didn't sleep for months....perhaps 3-4 hours a day max and it wasn't always at nighttime. The good news, I had Bravo, Lifetime, MTV, VH1, Oxygen and my absolute favorite WE, so I could be constantly entertained by quality programming in the wee hours of the morning.
The sleeping pills, unleashed the eating monster in me. Rooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr. I would sleep eat and be just consciousness enough to not choke, but it wasn't fun and I stopped taking the sleeping pills very soon after I woke up with a half eaten Lean Pocket (meatball and marinara flavor, HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) stuck to the back of my pajama pants. Reality check.
One of the advantages, there were a few, to dating Awful, was that I slept. I slept because he had the side of the bed by the door, he had a security system, he owned several guns (many collectables and serious rifles), and he had a sure shot that could rival Annie Oakley. I mean Awful did have some talent....he could have seriously shot a pea right through the middle from 50 yards away. When I once saw him slay some birds, I had very mixed feelings of being impressed and being appalled. Contradiction he was, blue-blooded WASP democrat who killed baby animals....I digress, I digress again and again and again....
I can admit this now, one of the reasons I stayed with Awful was because
My dream last night involved Dunbar from the Real World: Sidney. It was brought to my attention that Dummy Bear (what all those cool MTVers call him) did some porn and I may have watched the clip (if you find it, SO NSFW obviously) and I will never get those 6 minutes of my life back even though sometimes (shhhhhhh) I do enjoy me some erotic film. Being intimate with Dunbar in my dream made me feel like I was in college and whereas I like that feeling most of the time, I do remember being in some pretty bad sexy situations that I walked right into without knowing how to get out..one of them is that I was had sex with someone like on three separate occasions (I have been told) and I do not remember any one of those occasions.....I mean NOT good and I am SO lucky.
Being naked in my dream with Dunbar felt a bit like that.
Also, then I went to Starbucks in my dream and ordered a vanilla latte and forgot to say nonfat and then I thought they gave me whole milk even through I do believe the default is now 2% and then I never even got to drink that fattening delicious latte because my nephew came into my bed screaming "Rowseeeeeeeee" at 5am with really bad morning breath (I never knew 2 year olds can have terrible morning breath) because I must admit that I do a killer rendition of Ring Around the Rosie complete with a tickle-pickle (I made this genius up myself) breakdown that comes immediately after we all fall down.
Talent people, talent.
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