Rings and Things

The other day, I was enjoying a latte in the warm morning sun at an outdoor café after my Spinning class.   A very handsome man a bit older than me stopped in to get breakfast and started chatting me up.  I let him know that I had just moved from Chicago and he suggested some bars and restaurants I should try as well as some locations for great coffee, excellent pie and exciting live music.  He told me he was a doctor, off for the day and he planned to go for a long run in the evening once the temperature cooled as he slept much later than he anticipated after working several long shifts in the ER.

It was nearly 10 minutes into the conversation that I realized that perhaps this man was flirting with me. I glanced at his left hand and didn’t see a ring (yes, they come off!). You see, in Chicago, no one ever came up to me to chat sober.  Once in a while, a person with a penis may have asked me for directions, but never for my number. Since I turned 28, no one much looked at me at all in Chicago because my vagina, boobs, and tush were no longer on display in my “club” clothes as they once were.  Once in a while, a drunken perv may have whispered something explicit into my ear with his stale beer breath, but the truth is that I often didn’t get hit on in Chicago.  The minute I stepped outside of it, regardless of my weight status, men would approach me.  The secret I learned doesn’t have to do with looks or weight, but by how I feel.  I was never happy in Chicago, so I didn’t exude confidence.  Confidence is key.  Men love it.

Sure enough, a few topics later, Hot Doctor asked me for my number.  I realized that up until that point, my left hand had been under the table in my lap.  I then lifted it and explained that I was newly engaged to a very super special someone, but asked him for his number since he is kind, smart, a great conversationalist, successful, handsome, and tall.  He could be a great match for someone I know! 

Rings are funny this way.  They speak for you.  Help people know who may be available or taken.  Yes, it isn’t the rule, but it is helpful.

My father has never worn a wedding ring.  Funny, but Crush’s dad doesn’t either.  It is actually a relatively new tradition.  All four of our grandfathers didn't wear rings.  Unlike many other ladies, I am totally fine if Crush doesn't want to wear a ring.  I trust him and more than anything, I know my man and it is undeniable that he will lose his ring more than just a few times.  So, if he decides to wear a ring, I have already come to terms that we will be replacing it often and there will be periods of time where he won't have one.....

My feeling about rings are that they can predetermine outcomes.  Some people may forgo a chat with me now if they were wanting to get into my pants eventually, but others will still chat me up for the simple fact that they enjoy a fine morning chat as much as I do. 

Me Versus We and Some Wedding Gossip

Manners are my new best friend.

So underrated!

Life is good in Charleston as I have mentioned.  I have been going to the beach and cooking healthy meals.  Vacation hours.  I am enjoying long walks around town and Real Housewives of New Jersey marathons.

Next week, real life begins.  I go to NYC this week to visit Sissy and pick out my bling.  I am also going to a Wiggles concerts with the babies that I am oddly excited for.  Then, it is time to really make Charleston a home and not just a destination, which includes getting a job.

One of the many things that bothered me in Chicago was a me-centric mentality.  The idea that me comes before we.  In Chicago, doors were slammed in my face when I carried heavy bags of groceries, drivers cut me off on icy expressways, young men avoided eye contact while they read their iPhones comfortably seated on busy trains and buses while pregnant and elderly ladies stood, people pushed and shoved to get through crowds at concerts, ballgames, and even on the sidewalk.

In Chicago, I was always one car honk and middle finger away from life.  Just when I was enjoying a little stroll and an iced latte deep in my own thoughts, some schmo would ruin it for me by almost killing me with his scooter while I walked correctly across an intersection.  "I HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY, ASSHOLE!!!!!"  Oy.

Don't even start with the clients I worked with in Chicago.  And yes, many of them were unbelievably kind and incredibly gracious, but some, well, some just didn't want to pay for their own events.  Somehow, they thought they were entitled to things for free because they were getting married.  These same clients had weddings that WAY exceeded their budgets (declined credit cards and bounced checks...I have seen it all!) and couldn't be convinced to spend realistically for them.  They used their weddings to make them into something they will never be.  Popular.  Liked.  Perhaps even semi-famous for a second.  The Facebook photos were more important than the actual experience. ME ME ME time ALL of the time.  I have met some ladies who are so self-obsessed and narcissistic that they make Kim K and Paris look humble.

I do feel like a person's true character comes out on their wedding day and it ain't always pretty. More to come on that in future posts.

In Charleston, I have noticed that I am sometimes on the defensive unnecessarily. I am waiting to be budged at Starbucks, I am anticipating that someone at Publix will steal my parking spot, I grimace at 4 way stop signs anxious that my turn will be skipped, but it never happens.

There is a we here in Charleston that isn't in Chicago.

In Charleston, a man who worked at the grocery store helped me to my car with my heavy bags, a young hunk in his early 20's gave me his chaise lounger at the pool when no more were left in the sun and then carried another one over from the shady part for himself, a lady at Spinning class brought me a towel when she noticed I didn't have one.  Men stand to meet me.  People let you through when you are being seated by a hostess at a busy restaurant on a Saturday night.  No one pushes or shoves to get to the bar at a concert.

I stand with my fits cocked, yet I never have to use them.

This world we live in, well, we all share it.  It is no more yours than it is mine.  Life can be easy or it can be hard.  In Chicago people take and in Charleston people give.

I know I am generalizing and I know that Charleston is still shiny and new.  There will be a day when I am cut off, shoved, but hopefully not spit on.

Oh yes, a while back in the Windy City, a groom's father, high on cocaine, spit on me and called me a fat cunt.  Because he owed money for a bar tab for a late night party he offered to pay for.  He didn't like the total bill, even though he consumed 8 cocktails himself at 14 dollars a pop.  Bonus detail, he knew how much it would be weeks beforehand and acted like it was no problem, joked at how I was talking money with him because he had so much of it. But, when push came to shove spit, maybe he put the money for the bar up his nose.....I had a feeling something wasn't right in Oz from the beginning.

Now, I trust my instincts.

Well, that is another story for another day.

Time to get real.

I am done being defensive for just being me and I am ready to live in the we.

Partner in Crime

It feels good to have a partner in crime.

Someone to eat meals with.  Someone to take walks with.  Someone to help me carry my groceries up the stairs.

The transition from long distance to in-town love has been easy.  I must admit, much better than I expected.  I was a bit worried about how Crush and I would settle in.  Especially, because I really like my own personal space and I can be OCD tidy.  He wants to be next to me all of the time and he is an epic slob.  Yet, we are making this work because for the last year, I have been clear about my expectations and he has been clear about his.  There are no surprises and we are balancing being together wonderfully.

Something that I have always known about myself is that I require downtime.  Alone time where I can do some work (surf the Internet), watch Bravo, and examine my pores.  Yes, it isn't like I do much with the time, I just need it!

Something I hated when I was with Awful was his lack of understanding of my need to be alone.  To not have plans.  To not host guests for dinner more than 1 night a week.  He wanted people around him all of the time.  Being alone scares him, whereas being alone recharges me.

This week, Crush and I have been invited somewhere each and every day.  Brunches, lunches, suppers, cocktails, concerts, picnics.  People have showed interest in meeting me and I am very flattered, yet exhausted.  If these plans were just Crush and myself, I would be fine, but having to make an effort and  conversation aka "be on", well it takes a lot out of me.

Yesterday, over lunch, Crush mentioned going to a friends house on Saturday for an impromptu dinner party and I did something I was never able to do in the past without being massively passive-aggressive.  I said the following:

"Honey, I am really enjoying meeting everyone, but I am getting a bit tired.  I need some me time.  Time to sleep well, go to the gym, search for a job, and acclimate myself.  Whereas I love socializing, I also love staying in and watching TV and cooking just as much.  I want a chance to just have us time, so if possible, can we keep this week light with plans and ask them for a rain check in a few weeks?"

He then told me something that was like music to my ears:

"Yes, I often don't have plans like this.  Everyone wants to meet you and honestly, I am so tired and I am getting overwhelmed by all of this running around.  I just wanted to give you a chance to meet new people and make friends, so I didn't want to limit your opportunities here."

He is a sweet one.

The thing is that I am lucky.  At 32, I know I will make some more dear friends here and there, but I already have my friends for life.

It makes staying in with my Bravo and Trader Joe's frozen delicacies, even a bit more satisfying.

Moving Day

Today is the day! I leave in a few hours.

Dad and I broke the trip into 3 days/2 nights as we have the U-Haul and can't go too fast.  We will stop overnight in Cincinnati, OH and Asheville, NC as we make our way down to Charleston.

I am all set.  Packed, CDs (I am old school) are ready to be played in the car, I have healthy snacks for the road on ice in my cooler.  Water and electric get turned on Friday and cable (Bravo, oh how I have missed you!) and Internet on Saturday.

I cannot believe I am here.

Moving day.

Heading south to my new life. Only 1,000 miles (987 to be exact) stretch between what already happened and what is yet to come.

I will be offline for the rest of the week settling in, unpacking, and enjoying a little time with Crush and his family.  My Mom (I have the BEST folks) is flying down to meet us for a long a weekend (she is smart enough to pass on the drive, but will arrive just in time for the congratulatory cocktails!) and to see Crush's parents and grandmother. I am excited to get myself to the beach, to a few new restaurants, and to the gym (LOVE the spinning studio there as you all know because I can't stop talking about it!).

I am taking 2 entire weeks off (I will blog during this rest period after Saturday when I get my wifi) to get into a good routine (learn my way around mostly), relax, and take a mini road trip to NJ/NYC to see Sissy (and her crew, Big Baby turns 3!)) and pick out my bling.  Then, the grueling job hunt will begin though I shouldn't complain as it is already showing some great promise.

I look forward to getting a bit more personal after I arrive in Charleston and who knows...maybe even share a few photos?!  I have lots of fun tidbits to blog about and I can't wait to fill you (y'all!) in!

Have a wonderful week and be back soon!

XXXX,

R&F

Memories In The Making.....The Parents Meet!

The trip was a total success.  Better than I imagined.  I am floating on a cloud…….and…..in a very traditional Southern turn of events, I have been somewhat lavaliered.  Yes, lavaliered….

Not is the Greek system sense as it doesn’t have any fraternity ties, but, Crush gave me his prep school class ring today after lunch with a grand speech about how it is traditional to give a class ring from his particular school before an engagement ring and he wants me to know that he is starting the process.  He chose to tell me this in the midst of a 3 mile walk around town in the middle of the day when it was 92 degrees and 100 percent humidity.  I was also wearing jeans and needing a cold drink badly and we were on our way to get 1 for me.  I was so confused as to what was exactly going on (was he about to propose!?) that I nearly fainted!

Not yet, but we are getting closer.  Almost to Phase 2 we are…..he told me that I should wear the ring on my left hand ring finger to “warm it up” for the next couple months.  Swoon. 

Also, I have huge fingers for a lady and he mentioned that he can’t wear the class ring on any of his fingers anymore (he was a LATE bloomer and grew about 8 inches during college), but it fits my left hand ring finger perfectly.  Again, I am not at all surprised because things with us always seem to be this way, but still…what are the chances?

Crush told me he will be coming back out to the Midwest 1 more time to “talk to my Daddy” this summer and that his Momma and he are beginning to work on picking out my ring……In an odd turn of events, my Mom’s ring and his Momma's are exactly the same setting, just with a different shaped  diamond!   Crush's Momma has phenomenal taste and I admire her fashion sense, poise, and kindness.  I am VERY happy that she will be involved in the process.  I think it is super sweet and a huge compliment that she wants to help him with the ring. 

I am NOT just excited about a ring (which I am), but to spend my life in a place I LOVE with a man I LOVE.  I truly believe that Crush is the ONLY man for me and this trip out gave me tons of confidence that my future will be bright.  Better than I ever dreamed.  I can’t wait to be the lady I have always been in my heart.  To emerge from my cocoon.

So….the parents meeting….well….it was JUST PERFECT!!! Everyone got on like a house on fire and the folks just clicked.  The weekend went by in a flash!  2 suppers with his folks, 1 show with his folks, 1 concert with his folks, 1 lunch with his lovely Grandmomma, 1 trip to the beach, 1 trip to Crush’s home town and many many many sites in between….sunsets, singing, fried chicken, white wine, champagne toasts, and ice cream cones.  HEAVEN.  I also worked out everyday I was there which is a huge accomplishment in itself....I just feel SO good in the South! Everything is easier for me. 

My folks just like me, felt right at home.  There is simply nothing like Southern hospitality.  Common courtesy, patience, social grace and manners, and best of all, everyone is super friendly! 

I am sorry to say, but my current city is just missing it all…..and it may just be me, but I personally feel that here, I lose a little faith in humanity day by day.  The mean girls.  The backstabbing.  The crime.  The violence.  The racial tension.  The road rage. The political corruption.

And I know that in my future state, things are not perfect.  Perfection doesn’t exist, but the simple acknowledgement of life does.  Pregnant ladies (all ladies as a matter of fact!) are offered seats, doors are held open, people who know each other…even just a little bit, actually stop to say “hello” and do not pretend to not see one each other (I am guilty of this in my city as I feel like it is just the way to conduct myself socially), store clerks and servers smile, exchange pleasantries, and make eye contact.  It is so refreshing.  I hope it never changes.  I LOVE IT!

It makes me feel like I have purpose, the friendliness….that the world cares about the people in it.  I feel at peace and it brings out the best in me.  I smile and wave and chat and hug and compliment and walk with my head held high.  I stand up straight and make healthy choices for my mind and body. 

When I am down South, my anxiety is minimal, my confidence is sky-high, and my need to binge eat is non-existent.  It is such a huge indication of how environment is a major trigger for me.  If I do not like where I am, it is hard for me to be myself.  It is shocking that my location has such a great influence on my feeling of self-worth.  But at 32 years old, I still have so much life left ahead of me (let's hope!!!).  I know when I move, I will not only let go of the past things that have hurt me, I will celebrate how far I have come in order to get to a peaceful place for me. 

Just like how I sent my “Husband List” out to sea last June to my grandfather, I plan to send a letter out to the universe to all of the people that have hurt me in September when I move.  I plan to list why they hurt me, what I could have done better, and what I have learned.  I will send it out at my happiest place on Earth (Crush’s beach house) and then it will all be in the past and given to the powers above, if you will.  I do believe that forgiveness is necessary for progress and I want to be the best and brightest I can be for me.

This weekend I learned more about Crush’s past, present, and future.  His family is so utterly fascinating.  Trend-setters.  Barrier breakers.  Entrepreneurs.   Charitable beyond comprehension.  I know why he kept so much a secret.  I would have, too…..I understand it all now.  History.  I am encouraging him to write a book.  He has a story to tell. He is truly one of a kind and a product of his environment.  I say this now as only a compliment.

The future holds so much good.  The present is being wrapped up now.  I love and care for my clients dearly and I will DO WHATEVER I CAN to make everything the absolute best it can be.

I want to leave on a high note, especially since I have heard terrible rumors and lies about me.  It is time to prove myself to myself….my final swan song in a place I cannot wait to not call home.

The past will finally be in the past and my future is so clear and near, I can taste it.  

Live life now, but dream big. 

Going Country

I have recently become such a country music fan.

Like obsessed.

I have always enjoyed country music a little bit, but not like this......

I blame it on the fact that when I visit Crush, there are no less than 8 country music stations to listen to....whereas here there is just 1 because every station is pretty much rap/hip hop/top 40.

Top that off with the fact that Crush doesn't even have a CD player (an iPod hookup in there will never happen) in his car (he is currently driving his Grandmother's old car and someone claimed the CD player from his family), so we can either listen to tapes (which Crush HAS) or the radio. Seriously, Crush has never downloaded music and doesn't know how to use an iPod.....this is humorous because I am the MOST technology limited person I know and I seem like Steve Jobs compared to him.

So, country music has found a place in my heart.  From all of the hours in Crush's car down South, I now prefer listening to music about tan lines, jean cut-offs, ponytails, pickup trucks, moonlight kisses, tailgates, cold beer, and homemade wine than listening to music about screwing some ho, big booties, orgies, VIP sections, and strip clubs.....it is all shocking as I used to love listening to hip hop even mere weeks ago, but lately it just annoys me and I can't even get into in at the gym, the one place that it always inspired me to move my own big booty.

Also, I am loving popular country music which is pretty mainstream, so I am not going to tell you anyone you don't know (which I suppose makes me super unoriginal): Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton, Kip Moore, Jake Owens, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, Lady Antebellum, The Band Perry....it is basically modern Southern Rock in my mind...and I need to listen to my 42 song country play list no less than 4 times a day.

The songs I like remind me of summertime in my teens and 20's.  They were always wild and they were always drunk, but sometimes the best nights were sweet.  Just hanging out with friends, laughing, listening to music, and seeing if there was the small possibility that someone cute may come along and catch my eye.

Slow As Molasses

Crush is slow slow slow.  Slow as molasses.  He moves like a turtle.  I am impatient.  It is an interesting fit.

Crush takes a long time to do everything and anything.  I mean everything!  Making love...1 hour minimum.  Getting ready for supper.....1 hour minimum.  Packing the car...yup, 1 hour minimum.

When you are driving on the highway and see the speed limit signs that read 65 mph maximum and 45 mph minimum and you think....who drives 45 mph on the interstate?  My boyfriend.

This weekend, when my besties were visiting, we decided to go visit the beach and head about 1 hour away from where we had been staying.  Crush and I left the city a full 45 minutes before them and they beat us!  Sllllllllloooooooooooooow he is.

When I rush him, he can't quite handle it.  He falls (literally), tripping right over his feet.  He does stupid time savers like putting paper towels in the toilet instead of the trash can because "I was rushing him and he didn't want to go all the way to the garbage to throw them out because it would waste time...", he panics and runs around accomplishing nothing and then in turn makes me super nervous.

From our visits together, I realize, this man simply needs his time.  So, I have started to do my best to give him the 1 hour warning he needs to get things done without twisting his ankle....yes, it really did happen when he was feeling hurried.  Then Mister Molasses was on crutches.  The 1 hour minimum, became 2....OY!

A slower pace is good for me.   I need it and I look forward to meandering a bit.  Crush takes time to say hello to an acquaintance on the street even if it means being 5 minutes late for a restaurant reservation.  Crush doesn't feel the immediacy to get instantly back to clients via email like I do.  He is better at figuring at what needs to be done because it is necessary, not because he can see an email come in on his phone.

The culture of the city he lives in, allows for this pace.  A slower way of life encompasses his entire reality.  I used to hate it and somewhat resent it and now I am in awe of it.  I want to take the time to smell the flowers every single day, too. I think I would have been super happy and productive in the days before computers and cell phones...though, I would indeed miss this blog.

As we have gotten closer, I have started to have to slow my roll.  There are times when one can actually have that second cup of coffee, take a lingering stroll, and make love for 2 hours and nothing is going to happen.  There are certain things in life that do require absolute promptness and efficiency, but there are many things that don't, too.  I feel like these days, everyone is so overstimulated and overcharged, that enjoying a 2 hour meal is an absolute luxury.....

Where I am going, it is just dinner.

Almost Home, Yet Right At Home

I return tomorrow to the cold and my final months up North.  I wish I could stay here forever (even though it is unseasonably cold here, too).  I have never felt so at home.  This weekend exceeded all of my wildest expectations.

As I shared, 2 of my besties came to visit Crush and me in my new almost hometown and the weekend is one I will NEVER forget.  Both besties are pregnant and glowing and seeing them with their hubbies and bellies really made my year.

Crush was his charming self and besties reported in that he reminded them of my dad.  I agree.  Crush IS JUST LIKE my dad come to think of it.  He is kind, quiet, pure of heart, honest, and a real observer......Maybe that is why I love him so much, because he reminds me of one of the greatest men I know.  My daddy is the best: he wanted me, raised me, and has never stopped believing and supporting me (and my besties reminded me of a few stories I must share that daddy wasn't so proud of at the time).  

Besties, hubbies, Crush, and I did a little site-seeing, took a quick trip to the beach (brrrr, it was freezing, but there will be others times, that I am sure of), and ATE ATE ATE.....it is what we do best all together.  And let me tell you, years ago it was DRINK DRINK DRINK, so.......much improvement.

I love that I can be ME with besties and Crush.  I can be ALL of me.  There are no secrets.  There are no forbidden stories.  There are no filters.  Crush likes ME for ME.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I told him I was WILD and he didn't really believe me because he knows present me.  And besties know me now AND me 12+ years ago, so I am glad that Crush got to hear about old me through the best orators in town.

I have always wanted what I have now with Crush.  A man I am proud of.  I love to hold his hand, sit next to him at the dinner table, and smile for cheesy photos.  My besties have the best husbands and now in our little group, I found my own gent, the missing piece for many years.  It is not about being a 5th wheel.  I have brought serious boyfriends to the table and I have sat alone proudly.  It is about bringing the right kind of man for me to the mix and that is and always will be my Crush.

I know that no one is happier for me than my friends and that kind of love....there are no words to express my gratitude....I am tearing up just typing it.

Friends come and friends go, but once in a while, you connect in a way that cannot be broken.  That connection is one for life and when you find it, you just know.  You may talk only a few times a month, but the bond in your heart, it is a daily one.  Washing the girls who held back my hair when I vomited, let me throw chicken nuggets at them in drunk range, and always supported my CRAZY ideas become the best wives and mommies ever....it has been such an honor.  They are terrific role models for me.

The future has so much in store.  Bonfires at the beach.  Smores and sandcastles.  Babies in bathing suits.

More best friend reunions.  Next time with new life in tow.

Pinch me.

188 Days

In 188 days, I will be moving to a new place!

OMG, I can hardly handle the excitement.

I plan to have a few things accomplished by then.....LOTS and LOTS:

1.  Update my resume and get a new job.  I have been saving money, so I have a little cushion, but I do not want to move without a signed job offer.

2.  Lose 20 pounds (I CAN DO THIS!)

3.  See my friends that live here a few times before I go and also plan a little going away dinner to make sure I don't miss saying a proper good-bye to anyone.  I hate good-byes, so this is a BIG one for me and......regardless of what happens with Crush, I don't really see myself coming back often....that is other than my own wedding which I do plan to have here more for convenience than anything else.  But, that is of course if it all works out with Crush.....don't want to count my eggs before they hatch.

4.  Go through all of my junk, books, and clothes and throw out or donate what I know I will never use again or need.

5.  Post my new and improved website with all of the corrections made for the new city I will be living in.

6.  Find a nice place to live.  One with 2 bedrooms, so my family and friends can come and visit whenever they want.

7.  Complete my CPR training, so I can teach spinning classes in my new state.  Get a part-time gig teaching spinning classes at a new gym.

8.  Personally send tokens of appreciation and thank you cards to all of the wonderful business connections I have made in my current city.

9.  Tie up all loose business ends....there are a few, so nothing has to follow me to another state.

10.  Update my LinkedIn and my work licensing.  Also, sign up for one night class to work towards my teaching requirements in my new state.

I AM SUPER EXCITED!

Fairy Tale & I'm Back (and you may think I am even crazier after this post and this post is VERY long!)

WARNING:  This post is LOOOOOOOOOOONG!

I am back from meeting Crush's family.

It was.....

Better than expected and then even better than that!

There is so much to tell.

I have been waiting to share a really amazing story with you all and it is now time to let you in.  It involves a little bit of magic, so I understand if you don't believe, I am not sure if I would either.  Here goes, no judgement please, I never claimed to be totally sane.......

One year ago, I walked out of my life with Awful.  I moved out on a whim, but it was a decision that I had been rolling around in my mind for more than a year.  I went home to my parents' home.  At 30.  I only took my clothes.  I cried a lot and I ate pints of ice cream and wailed "WHY!!!!!" and "NOOOOOOO!"  between bites of cheese while laying with my parents in their bed.  It was not a good look for anyone.

Then, day by day, the pain lessened.  Awful was ALL wrong for me.  I knew this, he knew this, but being alone isn't fun when you don't want to be.  I tried to move on.  I got almost to the moving on "finish line" and then I didn't.  I would text Awful back, answer his emails, listen to his voicemails.  I was almost over him, but he was still there, still this toxic black cloud ruining my potential.

A very very very very very special person in my life encouraged me to see a clairvoyant (STOP JUDGING!!!!), she just had a feeling and I always trust her feelings.  I played around with the idea and resisted as I sometimes do when she suggests something that I know is right.  I become a 2 year old all too often.  Finally, I went to see the clairvoyant and she told me things that have gotten me right where I am now: my husband is looking for me, he doesn't live in my city, I will move in a few years, he will be my soulmate.  My deceased grandfather came to the reading (I TOLD YOU, NOT EVERYONE BELIEVES!) and I seriously felt him there.  He told the clairvoyant that I needed to make my list in what I was looking for.  He would help me find my husband, he just didn't know what I was looking for.  My mom, my sister, and the very special person mentioned above all told me to make a list prior to grandpa spirit also letting me in and I couldn't do it......at the end of June I finally did.  I made my list.  Crush is everything I wished for, EVERYTHING!  He isn't perfect (HE IS A SLOB!!!!!), I didn't say neat and tidy on my list, so shame on me....but, seriously, I wouldn't trade him for anything, even if it means picking up the trail of dirty socks and boxers that seem to follow him.  The list worked.  I stopped talking to Awful officially in July.  We haven't had any contact whatsoever and I blocked his phone number and email.  I needed to lock that door, so Crush could find me. Crush and I really officially connected in August.  One doors NEEDS to close fully before another one can open. Trust me here.

I finally made the list on a vacation with another very very very special person (I have a few BEST friends in my life that I am BEYOND grateful for) and on one of the last nights of the trip, bff and I went down to the beach and sent our wishes out to sea.  She herself suffered a tremendous loss this year that makes mine look minor, so it was a beautiful moment that we shared.  We stood on the beach in the moonlight and gave our lives to something bigger than just us.  Even if nothing came out of it, having hope (even if you don't even believe in religion...I do, but I know some don't), it is hope that will pull you through the darkest days.  After I sent my list to sea, I felt a sense of calm, but truly, I wasn't expecting anything!

Crush and I connected soon after this.  We have had an instant connection.  The list of coincidences have rounded 200.  We plan to write a book together.  We may be the only 2 readers, well I bet our parents will skim to make us feel like they care...!  When we are together, something feels so right.  We see signs all the time, we really observe the world around us, I feel so tuned in, so present.  But, don't mistake it.  Love will never be perfect.  I have flaws and so does he.  Just this time, the flaws are part of the person, not what defines them.

I saw many things on my trip to see Crush's state and met his ENTIRE family!  I loved every second of it.  Crush told me a lot and let me figure out tons for myself, too.  We are the same religion and very similar, but his family is from a different class than mine.  No big deal, it's just the way it is.  He didn't tell me anything about this in detail and I am glad he didn't.  Awful used his parents' money to define him, to make him cool, to coerce people to like him.  Awful kept his cards close and I really felt like I was a fairy tale princess.....he showed me so much and it may take a little getting used to, but it feels like home, too.  Money is just money.  It doesn't bring anything positive if it isn't treated with respect.  I learned this lesson hard and fast with Awful. Material possessions do not fill empty hearts.  I would live with Crush in a cardboard box.

On the last night of the trip, Crush took me to his family beach house.  We went there the first night, too.  Every time I get stressed out or full of anxiety, I always close my eyes and imagine a beach.  Up until now, I always thought the beach was from the beach I LOVE to go to that I mentioned above, where I sent my message in a bottle in June....they look alike, but, the beach in my mind has really been the one that Crush goes to.  The house, the rocking chairs on the porch, the beach front....it all looked so familiar, I had such a reaction, I walked in the house and started sobbing the first night I was there.  The good news is that Crush is open to all of this, too, now that he has met me, because he can't ignore all of the signs, so he wasn't scared when I act like some kind of voodoo woman and cry.

On the last night of the trip, the weather turned a bit balmy and still.  It was really the perfect southern night.  We went down to the beach and walked a bit as the first night of our trip at the beach, the tide was high and it was cold.  We were the only ones there and it isn't really beach season and the night felt magical, like I knew that something could happen.  We made love on the beach (SORRY IF IT IS TOO MUCH INFO) and it was really like something I have never experienced.  I have limited experience with relationships (sadly, not with men, just with relationships) and I realize now that I have never been in love, so therefore I have never made it.  After we did it, we put our feet in the water and then danced (we do this TOTALLY nerdy thing where we dance while we talk and he is the BEST dancer and very good at leading, so I follow along and all of a sudden.....I'm dancing!) and talked about love and life and hope and then we saw this bright light (I AM ALMOST DONE WITH THIS NOVEL, BUT IT TAKES A TURN FOR THE CRAZY HERE!)....

The light looked like what I imagine the light that brings you to heaven could look like.  It appeared under where stars would would be and since it was a hazy night, it was the only bright light in the sky.  We thought at first, it could be a plane or a space ship (well, I said space ship, he didn't agree there).  The light continued to get closer and it was moving almost like a portal, like a mini Milky Way of sorts, and I screamed "Hi Grandpa!" because for some reason, that was just what came to mind and all of a sudden, the light opened up and there were angel wings and then they flew off up into the night sky and it got really still.  Seconds later, 16 different (we counted) lights appeared and we kept screaming out our deceased relatives names and every time we got one right, the light would burst open and wings would appear and fly away.  It was like supernatural Duck Hunt.  AMAZING!

The last light that appeared was super low to the ocean, like Crush started running away and I had to grab him by the back of the pants and calm him down.....we figured out it was his grandmother who just recently passed away and then my grandpa (who the clairvoyant let me know was VERY special and VERY close to god and in heaven, so I should made my darn list and let him help me) light came back and merged together with his grandma's light and made a spot light of sorts on us that looked like a heart.  I swear on all of this crazy.  (Crush just texted me to tell me he didn't sleep a wink last night and he is scared that he is a crazy.....I had to assure him that I saw it ALL too, so we are both crazy and we can be crazy together).

We then said goodbye to them and waved and blew kisses and asked them to watch over us, and our families, and send us the best nieces and nephews from heaven and then they flew back to heaven.  We started collecting our stuff and then grandpa light came back and started flashing really slow.  We started counting the flashes and it came to 18 which is a very significant number in our religion (Crush and I are both Jewish) and then grandpa light finally disappeared.  Both Crush and my family are really big on marrying within our faith and grandpa was so proud of our heritage, I know he was my matchmaker in heaven!!!

So, what happens now?!  Well, I plan to move in September to my Crush's home state and we will plan to start our next chapter then.  Can't wait to share it all with you!

If you made it here, you get a cookie.  Well, I would give you one, if I didn't eat them all last night myself....!