Tuesday, April 30, 2013

First Impressions and Broken Rules

When I dated, I dated hard.

I hit the websites.  Sometimes, Jdate, Match.com, and OkCupid all at once.

I double booked days.  Sometimes three dates on one Sunday.

I treated dating like a second job. A means to an end.  When I was ready to face the shame, embarrassment, rejection, and emotional turmoil that naturally came with it....I embraced the wave because I knew it would come crashing over me again and I would need and deserve a temporary dating break..... gasping for air, tired and exhausted from being beat down again.

On the round of dating that I met Crush, I had pretty much given up entirely.  I had felt like every single person online in my town; I had either met, had been out on a date with already, or knew of and I didn't like and that was leaving me feeling pretty darn blue.

My last round of dates before I met Crush was the "almost" I had gotten used to.  The good on paper guy.  He was Jewish, taller than me, very sweet, an Ivy League doctor completing his fellowship.  We went out 5 times, never kissed, and I knew in my heart, he wasn't the one.  When he sent me a text message telling me that "he didn't think we could get together anytime again soon because he was so busy on his new rotation," I was devastated even though I didn't like him, couldn't imagine being intimate with him, and he hated coffee and thought coffee was evil for some reason, so being with him wouldn't have been the best for me anyway...no sex OR coffee?  Life wouldn't really go on for me if those were the terms.  No guy was worth that.

After Doctor and I parted asexual ways....I broke down.  "WHY WHY WHY.  Why me...!?!?!?!?"

A few weeks later, I went away, made my husband list and focused on immediate goals and clients.  When Crush and I started corresponding, I thought VERY little of it.....because I was used to the never going to happen....now I reason that because I broke my own rules, I think I may have caught Crush without even realizing it.

Crush and I got off to a slow start our first go round.  We actually had two starts....which I will get to below. The first time, he made promises to call and never did.  He responded to a long heartfelt email I sent (after he sent me a LOOOONG first one ALL about him, so my response to his) with a "thanks for the email, I am super busy and will get back to you soon" and never did.  He randomly called me to complain about his broken down Saab convertible and how the dry cleaner messed up his tux that he needed for a charity event....and I almost barfed.  PRETENTIOUS LOSER ALERT was flashing in my mind.  He went on to tell me that he had 1600 friends on Facebook and that I was strange for not being on there (he is now contemplating deleting his account) and that he went to prep school and had a maid....I gagged while talking to him and made fun of him which was very poor character thinking about it.  I deleted him from my phone and email.  I thought, what a spoiled self centered prick.

SIDE NOTE: The thing is that my Crush is the most literal person I have EVER met.  I told him once that his earnestness reminds me of Forrest Gump and he thanked me.  All of his recounts were just him telling me about his present life and I read WAY into it.  I now think this could be a nerdy inexperienced guy thing and I bet all of these guys I wrote off for being "too cool" were probably just "SUPER nerdy" and are most likely making some lucky gals,  great husbands.

At the time Crush and I had our 1.0, I stopped telling everyone my personal business and started to date a bit secretly.  I decided to protect myself.  My life was not a story for people to chat about over dinner (the blog is....hahahaha, chat away!)....Other than the blog, I decided to not to over share the dramatics of my life because it was taking a toll on me.  I was getting sick of explaining all of my never going anywhere male company to friends...."no, not that guy, we stopped texting a month again, this guy is new, he is really cute and a lawyer, no the other one was an accountant........!" I was feeling like a mockery, a fraud, a joke, a broken record of "well, it was a good date, but nothing happened and there is no second one scheduled".  It was killing me on the inside, yet, I put my best foot forward and tried my hardest to be happy, open, and positive.

One day, I was leaving an appointment and my phone rang.  Weird number, weird area code.  I decided to take it as I was working out of town that upcoming weekend and reasoned it was most likely a call regarding work.  It was Crush.  Had I known it was him, I would have NEVER picked up the phone or returned his call.  EVER.  I wouldn't have even listened to his voicemail as I HATED him at this point.  He told me he would do things and didn't.  He bragged about himself.  He was spoiled.  He was dead to me.

But, he caught me off guard and that led to a wonderful conversation. One that lasted hours and hours.  He let me know why he was distracted earlier in our correspondence: because his grandmother passed away, his ex-fiance who he hadn't spoken to for months came back to return the ring (he told her she could keep it) and his 8 year old Saab broke down under an underpass during a massive storm and he had to handle insurance, renting a car, and buying a new one all at the same time.  The tuxedo was for an event honoring his deceased and beloved Nanny and he was supposed to wear a specific one (tails) that she loved and he had been running all over town trying to get a new coat as to not stress out his family......it all made sense.

From that conversation, not a single day has passed that we haven't chatted on the phone.  I gave him TONS of credit for calling me up after we had a huge lapse of communication, admitting his reality which wasn't super glamorous (I was picking up on something.....and it was that he didn't want to scare me away with the broken off engagement), and following his heart.....

We are trying to figure out our anniversary for the purposes of what date to celebrate and we decided on the date of this conversation mentioned above...which is just 2 months to the day after I wrote my husband list down on paper and 3 weeks after we first became acquainted.

Last night while we were having our daily before bed chat, I asked him why he called me up again and he told me that he just had this intense feeling that I was his wife from the first time he looked at me and even though it got off to a rocky start full of misconceptions, he figured that the things out of his control were out of his control (passing of Nanny, car, ex), but calling me was something he could take ownership over, so he took the risk.  He then said that he would have called me as many times as it took to connect as he could feel something when he spoke to me, even if I was guarding myself...up until Crush, I had dated the same man in different bodies ten times, so I thought I was being so smart...

Also, he loved my email response to his bitching about his broken car which was....

"So sorry about your fancy car breaking down.  That stinks.  I know how frustrating life can be sometimes and how telling someone "that's life!" when something annoying happens is just about the most annoying thing ever.  If it makes you feel better, I am off to deal with a business situation much like your car....pretty from the outside, but absolutely broken from the inside...best of luck with your flooded ride and if you can't get it to start again, perhaps you can use it as a boat or a flower planter.  Always have a plan B and I wish you the best of luck.  I know it is hard to get up after you have been knocked down and I applaud you for it, not everyone can do that.  Have a great day!

That email was off the top of my head, I didn't even reread it before I sent it off (as can be seen with the use of "best of luck" twice.....I stopped caring about all men at this time down to the emails I was supposed to impress them with) and it captured my real voice and my real heart and now........my real future.

Monday, April 29, 2013

6 CDs That I Continued To Repurchase When I Lost Them Until I Figured Out How To Use iTunes

Music is amazing to me.  I know that is a really dumb statement.  Duh, R&F....of course it is and probably to many people, too.  Blanket statement here.

But, as I have mentioned before, I am just such a lover of music.  I feel like a song AND a smell (not necessarily at the SAME time) has the power to take you back in time like nothing else.  I LOVE IT.  Music gives me hope like nothing else does.  Allows me to escape and daydream.  Music and books are what I need most to be happy (and ice cream, pizza, and massages, too).

Here are a few of my ABSOLUTE favorite CDs that will ALWAYS be in my music collection no matter what and where they take me when I listen to them.

1.  Ella Fitzgerald Sings the Cole Porter Songbook: This CD is one I listen to often.  In the car, when I need to daydream, and as a good background to work.  Both of my parents grew up listening to show tunes and lots of Cole Porter.  They exposed Sissy and me to musicals at a very young range and I am a huge fan of the old favorites (Cole Porter, Rodgers and Hammerstein, Irving Berlin, etc.): Guys and Dolls, Oklahoma, Annie Get Your Gun, Anything Goes....This CD will always take me back to my childhood.  The songs remind me of my maternal grandmother.  She danced with my papa to one of the songs on this very CD at her wedding over 75 years ago.  Fun fact....Crush and I decided we want to dance to it, too, at our wedding one day as our first dance as a tribute to my Nana who I love and miss dearly.  Crush is a good one, he loves family, too.  He even agreed to take dance lessons with me, so we can dance real nice to it!  Ella's voice is incredible.  Smooth as silk.  She transcended racial barriers because of her talent and articulates every word perfectly.  This CD always makes me think how life has been here before I was.  Some things: love, sex, drugs, booze, heartbreak...well....people have been living it forever.

2.  James Taylor's Greatest Hits: My parents had this on a record when I was little.  I remember listening to it while I played with my sister in the family room and my mom made us dinner.  I am like my mom....I also LOVE cooking to music (I like to drink some wine, too!).  As a preteen, I went to overnight camp and I remember singing these songs confidently around the campfire while eating s'mores.  It was such a memorable time for me.  I had such a strong sense of self until I was 14 and then as time went by, my confidence was chipped away bit by bit until this year.  I was happy when I heard these songs, even if they were sad.  They made me feel grownup and as the summers went by I began to understand the words differently. Little clue, I am moving to a place that Mr. Taylor says "he is going to in his mind...." and Crush always sings that song to me.  He actually sounds a bit like James T!  One day, Crush and I have a dream that we are going to have HUGE campfires at our little house with our families and I am going to provide laminated song sheets with many songs from this CD, just like camp!  We are all going to make s'mores, and Crush will play the guitar (he is really good).  I know I will feel just like that 12 year old girl again, but it will be even better because instead of wishing for my future, my dreams actually came true.

3.  Ani DiFranco's Living in Clip:  Sissy got me into Ani when I was in high school.  Sissy was never popular in high school, but she was always so much cooler than me.  She had a few artsy friends who were true best friends and they experienced life and all of the cool things you can do 25 miles outside of this suburb.  Sissy knew the bars they let underagers into, how to take the train, and where all the best underground coffee shops, poetry slams, and concerts were.  She got me into some bad habits, too....Smoking ciggies and pot...but, I will never take back the nights we cruised the beachfront in a beat up car listening to this CD and eating sour gummy candies while drinking Diet Mountain Dews.  This CD is awesome.  Ani is super talented, angry, confused, and sexually ripe.  She is quentisential 90's girl rock, but so much better. Ani is bisexual and I remember going to her concert with Sissy at 15 and seeing life beyond my suburban walls......girls kissing, men holding hands....lots of love and acceptance and fun in one central space.  ENERGY.  DEFIANCE.  A SUCK IT TO EVERYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE CONCERT WALLS.   I was infactuated.  I knew a bigger world existed and I wanted to be a part of it.  It is angst, hope, and a big ole FUCK YOU in one fantastic collection.

4.  Counting Crow's Across A Wire- Live in New York City: I bought this CD senior year of high school, but fell in love with it my freshman year of college.  This is my favorite CD of all time.  It takes me back to a time when I was SO SUPER lonely before I met my best friends in college right through getting drunk and stoned with them a few years later while listening to it all together.  It reminds me of how college felt: alive, raw, sad, sexy, deep without knowing what the hell was going on, fun, and scary ALL at the same time.  Pure poetry.  By the way, Adam Duritz lives in an admitted alternate reality, so maybe that is what I liked his songs so much at the time....because I was living in my own alternate reality, too.  I always wanted to make love to the blue CD....I know, totalally me and total over-share, but it was a fantasty of mine.  When Crush and I first consumated our relationship...this is what I played and all of my 18 year old girl fantasies (came, not in a literal sense, just a figurative one...sorry....couldn't resist....) true. My favorite song of all time, is "Anna Begins" on the blue CD, track #9.  This CD holds up, like most on my list.  None of the CDs I recommended are new.  But, this one to me, most of all, is pure poetry set to intoxicating music.  I also LOVE piano incorporated into rock music.  I just hate Ben Folds Five.  I am weird like that.

5.  Liz Phair Exile in Guyville: Another great girl CD.  Liz Phair, old Liz Phair that is....is the exact CD you need to play when you are embracing your girl power or going through a break up.  She is not the best singer and has epic stage fright, but there is something about her.  Kinda like skinny-fat or ugly-pretty.....she is IT, in her own way.   I like to think of myself this way, too.  This is her debut album and in my opinion her best.  She recorded it before any stardom or fame was a reality and it is just the perfect CD to dance naked to in front of the mirror when you are 17 (not like I have ever done that....hahahaha, OF COURSE I HAVE!)....Of course, Sissy introduced me to her and we once saw Liz in concert and it was a night I will always remember, because Liz never pretended to be the BEST singer, she didn't rely on anything other than what she had...her own talent that was so her.  She went right up on stage and sang like she does and played the guitar and was INCREDIBLE...she didn't over compensate.  She was earth shattering.  Authentic and real.  It changed my life.  Best isn't the only way.  Bring true can take the cake any day.

6.  Eva Cassidy Live at Blues Alley: My parents introduced me to Eva Cassidy.  They watched a segment about her years ago on ABC's Nightline (mentioned in her Wiki).  If you haven't heard of Eva, it is because she passed away at 33 from melonoma in 1996.  She never achieved real success during her lifetime, but she has gone on to become legendary.  She was a bit before her time.  She didn't want to be typecast as anything, but Eva.  She wanted to be a folk, rock, gospel, blues, soul, jazz, and  country singer all at the same time and the industry wasn't ready for her.  You need to check her out.  PLEASE. Her rendition of "What a Wonderful World" is my second favorite song of all time (after Anna Begins as I mentioned above).  This live CD is my favorite out of all of her CDs (I tend to enjoy the sponanaity and range of live music as I judge REAL talent live) and covers all ranges of music, so a great CD to play at a party or while working.  When you think that the world lost out on talent like this when she was only 33, it makes you realize that some things will never make sense......I cry like a baby to many of her songs.  They are so pure, real, clear, and vivid.....when I hear her voice, especially around that time of the month....I tend to cry.

Happy Listening!!!!

Friday, April 26, 2013

Southern Comfort

This morning, I was at the grocery store shopping for a few last minute items for the weekend.  A store clerk with special needs was stocking the shelves and saying hello and trying to give high fives to all of the patrons coming down aisle 9.  I gave him a big hello and handshake. He then followed me down the aisle and starting commenting about all the things in my cart, telling me if he liked them or not.

I realized that out of all of the busy customers rushing around the store, I was the only person thus far who acknowledged him.  Everyone else just pretended he wasn't there when he said hello.  Some even went out of their way to avoid him.  Just as I was putting my Nature's Valley granola bars in the cart, a beautiful blond lady came down the aisle in her workout clothes with a cart full of snack foods.....I immediately thought...mom of teenage boys.  The young store clerk gave her a high five and she stopped and asked him how he was and told him he was doing a great job and that he should enjoy the sunshine.  He told her that he wanted to go get ice cream later and she said it was the perfect day.  They both agreed that mint chocolate chip was their favorite flavor.

As she spoke, I noticed her thick southern drawl and I had to chat with her.  I asked her where she was from thinking Texas.  "Born in Kentucky, darlin'.  Lived there until 6 years ago and then Atlanta and now here....I hate it.  I know you all have this city pride, but I am itching to get out of here.  2 more to get off to college and thankfully all the boys (I was right!) are choosing southern schools and then my husband and I are heading back down.  This place is breaking me.  No one is kind, nice, or real. No one can slow down and say hello to a man who needs a little encouragement. I need me some sweet tea and some sweet hearts."

I told her I was moving south in September for love and a better life and she gave me a hug.  Told me the little city I will call home is her favorite city in the south.  Asked me for my number, just in case she ever came down.

As we exchanged niceties about our weekends, she looked me in the eye and told me, "Honey, you have a southern heart. I feel it.  Do you realize that you and me, we are the only people who spoke to the young man stocking the shelves?  Just us.  What is wrong with this world?  We should be building up and we are only breaking down.  You just made my day, don't you forget it.  Someone raised you right.  I see good in you.  Best of luck and tell your man, he got a good one with you, honey."  She then gave me a big hug and went on with her day.

So, she noticed me, just as I noticed her.

As she walked away, I smiled and my eyes welled up with tears (I am such a softie these days!).  The world keeps giving me signs, now that I am ready to receive them.

And she is right, there is nothing better than sweet tea and sweet hearts.

The store clerk saw my tears and told me "DON'T CRY!" and I let him know that they were just happy tears and he giggled.  "HAPPY TEARS!" and continued doing his job with his sweet heart.

Question Me

Last night, Crush and I asked each other the 276 questions you are "supposed" to ask your significant other before you get married.

It was SUPER fun because I love talking, so answering 276 questions about myself....SCORE!

The truth is this....I already knew ALL of his answers.  He knew most of mine.  We really don't have any secrets.  In our case, we have been forced to be super open because of the long distance.  We talk at least 1 hour a day and in the beginning....5 hours or more the first couple of months...neither of us ever slept.

We both know that we need all the facts because a move for me is not a small compromise (even though I CANNOT wait to get out of the shity city).

As I have mentioned, Crush was engaged before.  His ex-fiance and he had trouble communicating and went to premarital counseling in a effort to save their relationship.  They were given this list of questions to discuss and couldn't get through it without multiple fights, tears, and insults.  If Awful and I were given the list.....OY!  I would have had to throw something at him, I am sure of this.  And since Awful was always very lawyerly and abstract with his answers....which frustrated me to the core....I would have had to throw something heavy at him......encyclopedias maybe.....

As my Crush's parents and mine and are preparing to meet in a few short weeks, we both thought this exercise was very appropriate to make sure we know all of our answers if we are put on the spot.  Both of our sets of parents like to sometimes ask "innocent" questions that are really very direct...."what are your plans for work?" is really code for "how long do you plan to live in the city before you move to the small town and give me grandchildren?"  We know this.

As for the questions, I advise you all....single, dating, engaged, or married, to do it.  Answer your own questions.  It really helped me get to know myself even better and offered an opportunity for self analysis.  In my case, Crush and I are very different when it comes to past life experiences and personality (I am an extrovert for the most part and he is an introvert for the most part), but shockingly similar in most other areas: politics, religion, family, money, health, sex, etc.


R & F

Thursday, April 25, 2013

You Gotta Have Faith and Other Self Declarations of Pretty Okayness

Have faith in yourself.  Religious preferences aside.

Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.

I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old.  I know.  I am sorry.  I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself.  I get it.  I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can.  Trust me.  And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days.  Now, I just own my reality.

Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back.  I am amazing myself, actually.  I don't get stuck on things like I used to.  I don't hold grudges.  I allow myself to treat every situation separately.  To process it and move on.  This blog is helping a lot.

While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it.  Just do the best you can.  Wrap things up and move on.  This is like the last semester of high school.  You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.

Clients are unhappy with me.  Why?  Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired.  Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad.  Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses.  I have a backbone now.  When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady).  I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do.  Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!).  All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed.  I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?  THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME!  Well,  I wanted to be giving and kind.  I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts.  I needed to be heard.  I wanted to fix these people.

And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........

SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad.  My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party......  There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though.  My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest.  JUST LIKE CRUSH.  Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me.  But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY!  I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).

Back to the life rant:

I didn't listen to my inner voice.  My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......

From failure comes success.  I know this.

I am learning.

For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane.  I was living an insane life.  I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning.  I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.


I spun my wheels.  I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.

I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay.  I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!).  I was so conflicted.  But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it.  I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready.  Life would suck without Crush. SUCK.  It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever.  I am my own biggest fan.  I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart.  My insides are good.  I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back.  Can everyone say that?

My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2.  He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..

Phase 1: Dating

Phase 2: Engagement

Phase 3: Marriage

Phase 4: Kids

I had to tell him.....let's just wait.  I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment.  This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list.  He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."

Made me cry.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013


Crush's brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend over the weekend.

I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match.  They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important.  Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up.  They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating.  As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.

In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!

Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?


In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go.  It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....

Everyone deserves true love.  Real love. Soulmate love.  This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation.  This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security.  This is about how a person makes you feel.  I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?"  If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!

Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was.  I didn't have a soulful connection with myself.  He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.

So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side.  They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.

I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't.  I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist.  I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.

I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up.  We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some).  I will remember the positive if I ever see them.   His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now.  Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.

I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:

"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person.  Only change yourself if you want to.  Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday.  Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end.  I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing.  You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me.  You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful.  You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally.  I am here for you even if I can't be there for you.  Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."

I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.

Teenage Turmoil

Today, I had many things planned.  I am currently checking my list off.  All of the months of tomorrow are here.  There are no more tomorrows.....it is time to get things done once and for all!

I was on my way to the library to work (in order to make the weight loss stick, I have to change my spaces and working at cafes is no longer an option for me as I was using cookies as bribes to myself to finish tasks....) when I received a call from my favorite teenager, Emma, asking me to join her for lunch.  Emma and I have a special bond.  I babysat her from the time she was born.  I spent some vacations and summers with her family.  We are 15 years apart in age, but we are super similar.  We like the same music, the same food, the same clothes, the same movie stars, and we are both tall and statuesque women.  We have both been teased many times for being big (tall ) and fat (over a size 8 in my community), she has been called a Sasquatch, where I was called an ogre.

SIDENOTE: If I looked like her in a bikini, I would never wear clothes.  Teenagers are fools.  Skinny is great, but the reality is that it is not the only acceptable body type out there.

Today, Emma had a half day from school.  Today, she was ditched by a group of her "friends" that she was supposed to go to lunch with.

When she called me, I could hear the hurt in her voice.  I know this very feeling.  The way your heart can ache.  The burn you get in your throat trying to hold back the tears and smile through it.  The emptiness and anxiety that clouds your brain.  I didn't hesitate for a moment.  "Let's meet for lunch, anywhere you want, my treat."

As she sobbed into her burrito, I held her hand and told her all the things I WISH someone would have said to me.  I shared, "It is only high school, none of this matters, seriously.  Study and focus on you and college is all about starting over.  Girls are mean.  This town is tough.  Mean girls grow into mean ladies and you are better than this.  Be yourself and be true to your heart.  If someone hurts you, then cross them off your list.  Be kind to them, but don't trust them.  There is more to life than this silly suburb.  Grades first and then off to college being the girl you want to be."

When I moved back home with my folks a year and a half ago, my anxiety spiraled out of control.  All of my best laid plans didn't exist anymore and I was lonely, embarrassed, and really uncomfortable.  I hated high school.  I had left this suburb at 18 years old and besides 6 weeks that I lived at home in between finishing college and starting my first real job, I never lived in the town I spent the later part of my childhood.  Because I HATED it.  Because I HATED the people.  Because being home meant being reminded of the hurt and despair I felt in high school.

I have been hiding out for 18 months.  That was hard to admit, but it is the truth. I don't go places I think I may see anyone from my past because I don't want to face it.  I am almost ready to share one of my lowest moments to date regarding an absolute explosion of work and life that happened in September, but I am still processing it.  I am still aching from it.  It will be coming soon......I promise.

BUT, the rainbow in this (shit) storm of breaking up with Awful AND moving home was reconnecting with Emma.  She was starting her sophomore year of high school when I moved back and she was going through lots of the same angst I had lived through at the very same high school.  We started bonding over shared experiences and the advice I could give at age 30 was more relevant to her than anything her parents were sharing, even if it was mostly the same.  Emma started helping me with my work, excelling at school, and last night was even inducted into The National Honors Society.  Her parents tell me I gave her this confidence and I believe it.  Her life turned around when I came home.  I can't think of a better compliment and I do think our reconnection was meant to be.

Being close to Emma allows me to press the reset button a bit.  To live vicariously through a young gal who may have ended up in a pit of self doubt, self hate, and low self esteem like me, but didn't.  She picked right when I chose left at that fork in the road and she is making better decisions at 17 than I ever did.  She has helped me put closure on high school.  On the 4 years of my life I wish I could do over.  On the time that I picked popularity over everything else.....and it only got me right back home at age 30 with only 1 real friend from high school.

Over the weekend, Crush was looking through old photos and stumbled upon a few of my high school friends. Even though I explained previously, that high school wasn't my favorite time,  he was curious about them, wanted to know what they were up to, and wasn't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk about it.  After continuing to ask me several questions about them, I finally snapped, "I have no idea, they are all crazy bitches...."  Indeed, by my reaction, I was the only crazy bitch.

But,  there is a part of me that is still a bit angry.  I was such a cool person then.  I was also innocent.  I had no idea of my potential and I closed a few doors in the process because I didn't believe in myself.  Because I listened and took very seriously the critiques thrown my way: fat, stupid, annoying, and ugly.  I even believed I was a slut and a possible lesbian because the girls in my grade told me I was even though I didn't have any real sexual experiences until after high school and never thought of girls as anything, but friends.

The things I was accused of, they weren't true and the way I felt I had to act, that wasn't me.  

As I munched on my salad today, I told Emma a piece of advice that I hope stays with her:

"Nothing now really matters unless you let it.  I let people hurt me, I allowed myself to be broken by girls I never really respected.  I wasted so many years of my life being angry.  Please do what you can to not end up like me, to not end up hateful of things that happened half a lifetime ago.  If you don't like the game, don't play it.  In 1 year (she is graduating early), none of this matters, so in the meantime, become yourself.  Crack your shell open and be the person your truly are inside."

I have a feeling that she will listen.

Now, I have to follow my own advice.

I have to close these doors and lock them and not take any past issues with me down South.

I deserve better, just like Emma.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Anger Management, Karma Is A Bitch & Lessons Learned

Hi out there in Blogland!  Crush was here for a quick weekend and it was bittersweet as always. Easy to say hello and hard to say goodbye.

 I love my man, but I enjoy him a million times more not in my current city as I find it hard to cool my jets (I think I just may have quoted Bart Simpson....?!?) when I am here.

Crush's next big real trip will be Memorial Day, but this was a little one that was half work/half play.  He got to attend a first bday party, meet my cousins, see my Grandmartyr (grandmother), and attend a community center symphonic band concert geared for seniors at a local high school that my dad REALLY wanted to go to because some of his buddies (he just retired and joined a men's group where he is the youngest member by 10+ years) were performing.  

As always Crush was a super good sport.  The baseball game I bought us tickets for?  Canceled because of the weather.  The baseball tour I bought us tickets for?  Canceled because of the weather.  The community center concert?  NOT canceled because of the weather.  My gent didn't complain.  Because as he says, "let's not fret over what we cannot control..."  As a control FREAK, I need to remember this sometimes (ALL of the time, actually) and this weekend taught me many lessons which I will get to down below. 

Where I live in the Midwest experienced MAJOR flooding last week/this weekend.  MAJOR.  So bad, that many main highways were closed and traffic was nightmarish.  I mean a 3 Xanax situation.  But, I couldn't take that many because I was driving.  On Friday night, a VERY scary situation happened while I was driving with Crush (country boys don't drive well in the big city) to dinner......we were victims of road rage in the middle of gridlock traffic.  Long story short, a woman behind was experiencing a fit of roadrage directed at the back of my car.  She was screaming, flailing, cursing, and motioning for me to speed up, but there was NO WHERE TO GO.  I knew to just ignore her from all the Reader's Digest articles I have read regarding the subject while I wait in the doctor's office.  

Crush was TERRIFIED as I would have been too, if I wasn't immune to people acting all crazy and whatnot in the VERY corrupt city I live in and told him that I feared that something bad may happen, so let's try to get her plates just in case.....that very second, she taps the back of my car with her car in an effort to push me out of her way.  My car was in park, so I didn't hit the car in front of me and luckily, she had no where to go to get momentum to rail into me.  No damage was done to my car and I would take a few scratches over being hurt.  Seconds later, she aggressively swerved onto the shoulder (it was a real tight spot of the road) opened up her window and continued raging about.  She made the universal symbol for a gun with her hands.  Crush hid under his seat practically and I am terrible at remembering numbers, so I didn't get her license plate, but luckily she drove away on the shoulder of the road and we didn't see her again.  I understood her frustration.  The roads were clogged up the worst I had ever seen them....but the rage, no excuse.  Control yourself.

Then, on Saturday, at the concert, we were all enjoying some music and in the middle, my mother whispered to me for a tissue.  I got her one and thought nothing of it.  But, the woman in front of us sure did.  Between songs, she turned around and said, "You two gossipers need to shut the f*uk up!  My daughter is playing the clarinet tonight and I can't think straight because of your chatting and rustling.  You are animals and should be ashamed of yourself.  Go to hell you goddamn bitches!"  Here is the best part....she was doing a crossword puzzle during the ENTIRE concert.  She literally brought in a newspaper and a pen and a dictionary and was sitting there rustling her own papers.  For a moment, I thought we may have been on Candid Camera the entire thing seemed so silly.  And no, she wasn't a senior, she was perhaps 50ish and EVERYONE around us was talking including several little ones that were accompanied by their grandparents.  This wasn't the New York Symphony either, tickets were $5.00........OY.  It took ALL of my self control not to whomp her.  I had visions of tearing up her puzzle and beating her over the head with her pocket dictionary....but, I didn't.  Instead I cried silently to myself (FOR REAL) about WTF is wrong with people these days and made Crush switch seats with me for the second act, so I didn't have to be behind her.  My mom did the classy thing and apologized for blowing her nose and wished the lady a successful crossword puzzle as only my mom can and then said, "the answer for 11 Down is CONTROL YOURSELF." Mom - 1.  Cross Word Lady - 0. 

All of last night, I was up tossing and turning.  Besides the anger,  which I have been guilty of in the past, too,  I was taught MANY lessons this weekend:

1.  I once made fun of Crush for pooping in a public restroom because his stomach was upset.  I have this weird thing with pooping in public places....well, at lunch with my folks on Friday....I got massive not fun tummy issues and was in the bathroom for 1 hour at a restaurant.  

2.  I give Crush a hard time for spilling on himself when he eats.  At dinner on Saturday, half a bowl of soup ended up in my lap.

3.  I couldn't believe that Crush lost his car last week...I lost mine on Friday in a parking garage and thought it was in a much different spot than it was.  It took me 45 minutes to find. 

4.  Crush loses everything.  It makes me want to explode.  I lost my favorite lipstick and cried on Saturday morning.  I found it in my jacket pocket a few hours later. 

5.  I sometimes call Crush antisocial and make fun of his social skills...In public, I often find him to be awkward, but I think this may come from dating me, a real chatterbox...it is hard to get a word in when I feel like yapping.  I wished for someone not obsessed with his friends because Awful LIVED only for his friends' approval, so I wanted this kind of man and still do, but I can be a mean bitch.  Crush attended 3 hard social situations with me this weekends: parents dinner, bday party for my friend's baby, and an extended family dinner and he did AWESOME.  Held his own, told stories, laughed, and was perfectly appropriate.  I felt like a real blockhead ever doubting him. 

I AM AN ASSHOLE.  Yes, sometimes I am.  But, as Smartie Best Friend once told me, "Yes, you are an asshole once in a while, but you do realize your mistakes and learn from them and that is a good trait."

In the wake of the SO MUCH tragedy around the world.....it is time for everyone, including ME, to slow their roll, take a deep breath, and realize how truly blessed life can be. Learn lessons, control yourself, and realize that few things are really worth fighting over.

And if all else fails, do like me and in the midst of a big personal meltdown, listen or hum the words to "What a Wonderful World".......it will bring you a moment of personal peace, I promise.

And of course, if all all all all and other else fails....take a chill pill.  

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Where There Is A Will, There Is A Weigh

Guess what?

WW is going well.

I have been on point and feeling satisfied since Saturday.  It is only 4 days on program, but it is progress.  I am seeing a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel.  One day at a time of course.

Weird, but I have been following WeightWatchers according to their guidelines and it is easier than I thought it would be.  I know, I know....the stupidity in the above sentence even shocks me and I wrote it!  I am getting in the recommended amounts of water, dairy, fruits and veggies, healthy oils, and even my multivitamin.  I have been feeling satisfied.

As I was chopping melon this morning, it got me thinking that I am happy, empowered, and in control when I eat "on point" and yet I fight it.  The last 4 days, I have been super productive and I know my diet and mindset (I will do this!) is spilling over positively into all aspects of my life.

For years, I padded myself with extra weight to protect myself.  From men and mostly, from my own emotions.  And then I met the man who completes me when I was heavy for me.  When my skin had bad psoriasis flares from stress, weight gain, and self doubt.  Yet, I never feel self conscious with Crush.  I feel good all the time about my body when I am around him...I get proudly naked, I let him keep on the lights, I wear lingerie.  He makes me feel gorgeous.

So....this weight loss journey is really for me.  Not for Crush.  Not for the boys that called me Ogre when I was in 7th grade.  Not for guy in college who I thought was my friend who called me a hippo.  Not for the people on the bus or at my work who asked me when I was due (one of the reasons why I got a tummy tuck).  Not for Awful who told me I was becoming a fat girl and dressing like one. This is for me.  ALL ME.

I want to lose the weight.  To feel free, open, vulnerable....to experience my life to the fullest.  I don't want to gain again because I am content, bored, sad, or depressed.  No more self-sabotaging.  I want to see, taste, and feel it all...without the layer of protection.  Without the excuse that my life isn't what it could be simply because I am overweight.  Being fat has always been the excuse I use when someone doesn't like me, when I am not invited somewhere, when I don't get what I think I deserve....it's flawed reasoning and it needs to go.

One new improvement I am starting is that I not going to get on the scale everyday.  Why?  Because Monday is my weigh-in day at WeightWatchers and very often it takes an entire week to see a change on the scale.  When I get on the scale 3 times a day and I don't see a difference, I give up.  It is silly, but it makes me feel bad and since I need to help myself succeed, scale gets stepped on only on Mondays.

Happy Hump Day and XXX,

Ready & Fading

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Blasting Through The Past

This past Sunday, I did something I have been avoiding for 18 months......I went through my junk in my parents' basement.

It sounds minor, but it wasn't.

On October 31, 2011, when I moved out of Awful's, I could barely function.  I knew moving out would save my life and give me a second chance at my best self, but I didn't know how to get here, to where I am right now (minus the weight, which needs to come off)......because I had no plan other than to survive.

Bless my parents, both of them.  They saved me.  They helped me move, they brought me my favorite foods right to my bed (aka my habitat for 4 weeks), and they supported me.  When I needed them.  When I couldn't burden my friends who were dealing with major life changes themselves: being a newlywed, becoming mommies, moving, etc....

It was perfect timing for such a life catastrophe for me....because my parents were there to catch me.  How lucky I am.

When I moved home, ALL of my stuff went right into the basement.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Work stuff from my former job that I quit after 7 years to pursue my own business, photos of Awful, dating self help books.....relics from my past.  Things.....many things....possessions that I couldn't face until now.

I went down to the basement with a single objective in mind, to go through 1 box.  I went through all of them.  I threw out 3 GIANT garbage bags and 2 HUGE boxes of junk.  I sorted through what I wanted to keep at the P's house and what I wanted to bring with me down South.  I won't be bringing a ton, but I need to being some things to make it feel like home, my photos and books, specifically.  I do plan to move into a furnished apartment this fall as I gave away or sold all of my furniture already and Crush and I will be moving after next year to his home town.....no point buying all new furniture to throw it out again...we plan to buy our real life stuff together as a married couple when we move to our permanent home.

After my stuff purge, I felt a wave of relief.  I was letting go of the past with each item I tossed in the trash.

It is funny that Sunday was the day that I could face it.  Everyday since I have been home, I have thought about the dreaded PILE of stuff and deemed tomorrow would be the day to tackle it.  Day after day after day.  Sunday, for whatever reason, I was ready.  I could handle it and I did.  Without a tear, or a panic attack, or even a Xanax come to think of it.  It was Me versus Stuff and I won.  WHOOT!

I feel like this is symbolic of many things.  Da da dah......yes, my stalled weight loss.  You see, I have also been avoiding the basement because I didn't want to see my skinny photos and then the photos of me getting progressively fatter while I dated Awful.  You can see it in my eyes, how disconnected I am in the photos I share with him.  Instead of feeling upset when I viewed the photos (I literally gagged that I ever shared a bed with him as mean as that sounds), I felt relieved.  I escaped by the skin of my teeth.  Suddenly, I felt guilty that I was with him at all.  Looking at those photos...oy, I don't think we ever really loved each other at all.  Seriously.  I look the worst I ever looked with him.  Strained.  Uncomfortable.  A mile away from my body and soul.

Love makes you beautiful and hate makes you look sad, terrible, and in my case.....very very very bloated.

I feel so much lighter now even if the scale disagrees at this moment.

September here I come!

Monday, April 15, 2013


Oy, my prayers go out to anyone suffering because of this newest tragedy.

When things like this happen....tragedies in public places: schools, movie theaters, planes, buildings, and now sporting events......it really makes you think...WOW, that could have been me.

It is one thing to do something risky and have something happen: jump out of a plane, ride a motorcycle, or even ski....but it is quite another to have your life taken from you by a terminal illness and it is even different to be a victim of an attack and never have the chance to say goodbye.....

These horrific attacks in public places simply equals being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

My anxiety is through the roof.  I fear everything for a few days when something like this happens.  An attack can happen ANYWHERE.  But, I have to push through it.  I have to live life to the fullest.  I have to realize that anything can happen at anytime and life must go on. There is a plan out there for all of us and who knows what that plan is.

PLEASE let this be contained and I am thinking of Boston as I lay down tonight.

Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 2)

After my appointment with June, I was super excited to see DeeDee.  About a month passed between my appointment with June and my appointment with DeeDee and during that time, I dreamt of my grandfather vividly almost every single night.  It was almost like he was alive again.  He told me in my dreams that he was proud of me, that he was going to help me find love, and that he was watching over me.  I would wake up in the morning feeling extremely relaxed and hopeful.

The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it.  I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me.  But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...

I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff.  DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.

When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe.  It was very soothing.  DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug.  She said, "Welcome, R&F.  Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late.  He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning.  I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments.  He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE).  I have to ask you your permission first,  is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"

I burst into tears.  I could feel him there.  The energy.  The smell.  I knew he was in DeeDee's office.

"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.

DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically.  She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it.  Like a "no running sign" for children.  My grandfather loved to make little signs like that.  She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.

DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me.  She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).

DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me.  She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end.  DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!).  She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already).  DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.

Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list.  DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted.  He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.

She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me.  I promised her I would.  She told me something I will never forget.  "You are connected to life beyond life.  Just like I am.  You are being given a huge opportunity.  Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate.  All you have to do is make your list.  You have nothing to lose.  Just make the list.  The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you.  Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.

DeeDee went on to discuss my love life.  The abuse I endured with Awful.  The fact that Awful was never going to marry me.  How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too).  How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me.  She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp.  DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home.  It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave.  Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.

DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them.  She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me.  She said I would leave this city and never look back.  IT IS ALL HAPPENING.

She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.

I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on.  I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.

In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list.  I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.

1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.

1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.

The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 1)

It's time I share a little story about why I do believe things may be working out for me.

It is also the time that some of the people that are reading and don't know me may officially conclude that I am crazy....hell, some of the people who actually know me think I am crazy....so, no worries there.

Now, I am going to tell you things that are going to blow your mind.  I know many of you may never believe me.  I wouldn't believe you if you told me the things I am going to share, but I promise you, they happened!!!!!

Here we go:

As I have shared, 2012 was the BEST and WORST year of my life all at the same time.  It was great because I met Crush, found myself, and realized that I have a food addiction that has held me back for years.  It was the terrible, because dealing with the sentence above SUCKS.......a lemon.

Here we go back to 2012 before I met Crush and started a blog....I was (and still am) living at home and every day was it's own roller coaster of emotions.  Some days, I felt on top of the world and others....well, I could barely get out of bed to use the potty.  Awful was still berating me with texts and emails off and on and that only stopped when I blocked him from my phone.....

SIDENOTE: If anyone is bugging anyone reading from moving on, block them from contacting you.  Seriously, this decision helped me mentally move on, so I was ready for Crush when he came my way.

One day in March of 2012, I was chatting with Smartie Best Friend on the phone and she told me that she had a very strong feeling that I needed to talk to a clairvoyant.  We both feel things (like our deceased grandparents) around us sometimes and she has gone to a clairvoyant a few times to help her through tough or uncertain times.  Smartie Best Friend told me something that I will always thank her for when I was hemming and hawing about going....she said, "Just go.  Stop fighting it.  If anything, it will give you hope." And hope was exactly what I needed at the time....

Smartie Best Friend had also just recently seen her clairvoyant (someone she has gone to a few times in her life and who lives in her hometown) a few months before and SBF showed her clairvoyant my photo and asked her if I would ever marry and her clairvoyant said...."Of course.  Tell her not to worry." and giggled and said it so matter of fact that it gave me the confidence to go see someone because the last thing I wanted was to be told I would never marry, like Charlotte was told in that episode of Sex and the City.

So....SBF went on Yelp and started looking up clairvoyants in my neighborhood and suggested 2 that I should call.  1 mostly, but, she had a feeling about the other one, too.  So, I listened to SBF, because it was what I knew I should do and because living at home for the rest of my life was not what I wanted.....and so I called the 2 clairvoyants, June (SBF's 2nd choice)* and DeeDee (SBF 1st choice)*, and waited nervously for weeks (both VERY busy ladies) for my appointments.....first one up was June.

I had my appointment with June one afternoon in April and she sees clients at her house.  When I entered, I immediately felt at peace....it was clean and calm, even though there was a cat there...you know how I feel about cats......oddly enough, this was the only time, a cat's presence did not bother me.

June reads your angels.  Angels are pretty much your protectors.  Everyone has a few and they act as your inner voice and conscious. My angels told June everything at the reading....little gossipers they are....they told her about my breakup with Awful, my eating issues, and my recent successes and failures with owning my own business.  June told me everything.....down to me being sent by Smartie Best Friend....it was the coolest.

June let me know that my grandfather, who I feel all the time around me, is very close to Earth and was trying to help me and was bugging my angels a bit, trying to get messages to me.  She told me that I needed to stay true to myself, to not let negative influences in (at this time, I was dealing with a lot of pressure from my mom to get online and get out there and date and I wasn't ready yet), and to get my eating under control....she suggested protein which really does work for me when I eat it.

We discussed some exercises to keep negatives out and she assured me that my angels were looking out for me and wanted me to have the best life possible.  It was all very hopeful.

The thing that resonated with me most from my session with June was that she had me close my eyes and identify my safe place....which is and always will be,  the beach.  She then described the exact scene to me.....the waves, the sand, the solitude (I see vacant beaches, not ones in Miami beach), the rocking chairs on the porch.  It was AMAZING.  She then told me, "you will be at that VERY beach in 6 months - 2 years.  You will meet someone who has a connection to that stretch of beach" and I laughed.  She assured me that I was seeing a premonition, a place of my future.  I really wrote it off, as nice as it would be and called SBF up and told her EVERYTHING including the fact that I would have a beach house....and we giggled.

Flashforward to 2013....BUT....well....Crush's folks have a beautiful beach house.  The first time Crush ever took me there, we arrived very late at night, looked at the stars, and went straight to bed.  It is in such a remote location, that at night it is EXTREMELY dark.  In the morning, when I woke up, I went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast and OMFG.....the view was MY VISION of the beach that June saw....down to the rocking chairs.  I immediately ran out the back of the house to the beach in my nightie (it was cold and this wasn't a good idea) and started sobbing....it was all very full circle and the beach comes in more soon....so take note.....

Be back soon tomorrow with Part 2.  Trust me, the best is yet to come with this little novela.


10 Things To Share About ME

1.  Pizza is my favorite food.  I only like cheese on it.  A side of ranch dressing completes this yum.

2.  Haagen Daas vanilla ice cream is my favorite dessert.

3.  I miss my paternal grandfather very much.  I think about him all of the time.  I feel him around me often.  I think he found Crush for me and sent him my way.  For that I will always be grateful.

4.  I had braces.  I got them on at age 11 and off at age 13 and I STILL wear my retainer when I sleep.

5.  I couldn't wear a bikini until I was 20.  I can only wear high bottoms now because I have stretch marks on my lower tummy.  I am scared about stretch marks when I get pregnant (hopefully...cause you never know......).  Now, that I am a very high weight for me.......I thought, let's look on the positive?!  You don't have any new stretch marks and it made me happy because even pregnant, I hope to not get over the weight I am now.

6.  I used to only have psoriasis on my elbows OR knees.  Now, I have it on my elbows AND knees plus my upper arms, calves, scalp, wrists, tush, and upper thighs.  Often, when I lose weight, it goes away in every place, but my elbows OR knees.  I hope this will happen again when I get back down to my goal weight.

7.  When I was dating Awful, who was 5'6, I dreamed of all of my high heels.  I hated wearing flats all the time.  I LOVE wearing heels with Crush.  It makes me feel so much sexier.

8.  I love wearing lingerie, pearls, and red lipstick.  Not all at once, but sometimes I have done that, too.

9.  If smoking didn't smell or kill you, I would do it.  I love the ritual, how it helped control my appetite, and the sensual nature of it.  The same can be said about pot for different reasons and especially minus the controlling of my appetite....

10.  I am too self conscious to show my arms lately because of my psoriasis and weight gain.  I really miss my arms as I used to love them, so I hope they can come out to play again soon.  And....off to the gym for real!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Book Review Time: Annie Begins (Review #2)

Annie Begins by Michelle Toth is one of the best books that I have read in a long time.  Sissy told me about it and I always trust her book recs as she was an English major in college, has awesome taste in books AND music, and doesn't like bad chick lit.  She only likes "sophisticated" chick lit.

Also, Anna Begins is my favorite Counting Crows song EVER.  And Counting Crows is my favorite band ever.  And, if you play the live version of Anna Begins (#9 on Across a Wire: Live in New York City, Counting Crow's VH1 Storytellers CD, blue disc, not the red one AND my favorite CD of ALL time), well, then, you can have me anyway you want me....often naked.

Annie Begins....Anna Begins....close, I just had to give the book a chance!

Back to the book......Annie Begins is a wonderful quick read.  Here is Amazon's summary:

At almost 29, Annie Thompson is as brilliant in business as she is disastrous in relationships. It's the dawn of the dot-com boom, and Annie is determined to make it big. But her single-minded focus on work is put to the test when the man of her dreams announces that his wife is divorcing him, and designates Annie "the best listener he knows." Suddenly she's juggling his mixed signals and her entrepreneurial ambitions--not to mention a complicated friendship with her new supervixen of a roommate. 

Annie's pursuit of Mr. Tall, Dark and Barely Available takes a turn for the unexpected when her young, terminally ill cousin, April, makes it her mission to find Annie a husband. But the fiancé April picks is definitely not the kind of man Annie would have chosen. Now, Annie has to ask herself what exactly she wants and values most deeply in a man--and in herself.

This book is pretty much a text book love story....with many bumps along the road of course.  It is beautifully written, completely descriptive (you feel like you are in an episode of Friends or The Real World from the 90's...but, in a good way), and very interesting as it is set around an Internet start-up and the first concept of online dating.......had to start somewhere....! 

Check it out and get if for your next quick read, beach vacay, or lazy weekend.

PS: I do not get paid for anything I ever suggest or read......you should all know that.....I don't even know how that works.  So, everything I like, I really like.  Not saying you will, but you may, so that's why I am sharing! 


R & F 

Product Review: Vaseline Spray & Go Moisturizer

I picked this little gem up, Vaseline Spray & Go, at Target today while I was buying things to make myself feel better about my weight......since, you cannot try lotion on, it is always a perfect fit!

I bought the Cocoa Radiant scent and it smells yummy....like suntan lotion and Queen Helene Cocoa Butter (another old fave of mine) mixed together.  Can't go wrong with that!

It isn't super moisturizing, but is does soak right in and is super easy to use as promised.  The packaging offers a continuous spray, so you can get the back of your legs and upper back pretty easily.

I will use this in the summer for some additional moisture for my arms and legs after I am dressed or when I am in a super hurry.  My oils take FOREVER to soak in, in warmer months, so this will be perfect.


Friday, April 12, 2013

Weighing My Options

Back to my favorite subject I hate to address.....my weight.  Oy oy oy!

So......I had to take the bull by the horns.  Houston, we do have a problem.

I tried counting calories, I tried intuitive eating, I am in therapy for it.....BUT, well, the scale is going up  up and up and I just can't handle it any longer.

So, I am back in the saddle.  I resigned up for WeightWatchers.

I know....been there, done that.

This time, I really do feel ready.

You see, this will seriously be my 6th time back to WW.  I have failed so many times before.  BUT, well, but, I have never really followed the program correctly.  I played with the plan.  I binged some days, I starved others and when I knew I gained, I missed my meetings....not exactly the way you are supposed to follow it.  I never drank all my water, ate my recommended points, or fulfilled my nutritional requirements.

Yet, I had the nerve to complain that WeightWatchers never worked for me and that it was a crock of sh*t and all that.....but, I NEVER followed the program.  I made up my own rules and weighed in only when I knew I was down weight and called it WeightWatchers.....so, I decided that I am going to try one last time and actually follow the rules and see what happens.......it is the best solution I can come up with if I want to keep the big gain from becoming monumental.

Yes, I anticipate ups and downs and tough weeks....but even if on average, I lose .5 pounds a week....that is still 25 pounds a year and I would be VERY happy with that.

As I cannot stop yapping about.....I think I will be engaged this year.  Well, I want to enjoy it when it happens.  I want to smile proudly in photos, wear sleeveless dresses, and feel all around excited to do all the things next year may require...like trying on dresses....so, the time to start being the best me is now.

I don't know how much I will chat about WW, but I will keep you posted about my status....hopefully on the weigh down!

Where Oh Where Has My Little Car Gone?

Crush parked his car last night and forget where it was. He found it 4 hours later. I stayed calmed and helped him retrace his steps (even though, inside, I fought the mean demons down who were urging me to question his basic level of intelligence)......Eventually, he found it.....on a street he walked up and down no less than 8 times.

I hope he has a better memory when it comes to some things........like a baby, perhaps.........

PS: I have lost my car in Target's parking lot for 30 minutes and routinely drive off with my coffee cup on the hood of my car, so as much as I want to poke tons of fun.....I can't........

A Man WITH A Plan

I am a planner.

It is my job.

I feel safe with plans.

I like to know where I stand.

One of the things I hated about Awful was that he couldn't give me a plan.  He couldn't tell me if he was going to convert, when I could expect (I am not talking months here....I am talking years....like, can I expect to be engaged before 2013) to move things forward, his plans for relocating (there was talk about moving to another state), and just in general what the future would hold for us as a couple.

Awful lived in the present moment and I will admit, I admire him for that.  I am too uptight to live in anything but fear of everything...

Crush lives in the past, present, and future.  I LOVE HIM FOR THIS.  I know our plan.  We talk about the future confidently and realistically.  I know where I stand.  It helps me sleep at night.  It helps me be good to him.  It helps my family feel like I am not going to move 1,400 miles away for nothing.

I will be engaged this year.  I know, it is a bold statement.  I just know it.  Crush told me and I believe and trust him.  He doesn't say anything he doesn't mean.  2013 is the year I will become someone's fiance.  Then, I will become a bride in 2014 g-dwilling.  I will be 33.......EXACTLY the age the clarivoyant who told me I would marry my soul mate told me I would be.  She drew 2 wedding rings and the number 33 next to them....I was 30 when I saw her and I felt a bit miffed at the time because I wanted my husband NOW NOW NOW!  How was she SO right?

Crush and I will have a good life.  We will live in the city next year, but we won't live together until we are married.  When we get married, we will move to his hometown, where he will join the family business and I will have some babies, again, g-dwilling.  I plan to work a bit here and there, but he is old fashioned and being a mother is very respected in his family, so I will be home at least when we have little ones and I am excited about this, too.  I will work to become a teacher during this time.....we plan to start trying to get pregnant soon after we marry.....we want to make sure we have time to have more than 2, just in case we decide to.

These plans excite me!  They motivate me, too.  I want to be my best self.  My true self.  My happy and confidant self.  I think this year, 2013, may be the best year of my life thus far and I want to savor every single second of it.  I AM SO EXCITED!

I have been sleeping much better these days and it is really helping my anxiety, restlessness, and overall uncertainty.  There are many things to do, but they are doable.  Also and most importantly, I will be focusing on eating better and working out.  More for health than vanity.  This a huge change for me.  I am at the point where I just want to be healthy and not just thin. I want to focus on my insides first.....right now, I am willing myself not to eat pizza.  It is hard, but there are so many other things to enjoy.

Hope all is well out there in Cyberland.

Happy Friday!!!!!

R & F

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Proust Questionnaire

I love the Proust Questionnaire that they have on the last page of Vanity Fair.

Even since Dominick Dunne passed away, Vanity Fair hasn't really been the same to me, but I still do love the Proust Questionnaire and reading how famous people answer these defining questions.

I decided to answer them myself and share them with you, seeing that I am not sure I will ever be on the last page of Vanity Fair....Enjoy!


      Anxious and excited

       Riding my bike, walking barefoot on the beach

       Marilyn Monroe

       Cat Marnell for being a mess that just signed a half million book deal. 

     Sybil Carpenter in a "Perfect Day for Bananafish" by Salinger

       My mom, my dad, and my Sissy

       The first piece of jewelry Crush gave me: a pearl bracelet, my late Nana's patent leather purse

       At the beach with Crush making love under the stars

       My big mouth and my love of people

       Dishonesty, over-promising and under-delivering 

       Bullying, small mindedness, being fake

       A good steak and a strong martini made with Grey Goose

       The one I am about to take and spending the entire day with a good book 

       My cellulite and psoriasis

        Being frugal 

       When I know someone cannot handle the truth

       Basically, In all honesty, In my opinion, I understand, Let me help you 

       I would weigh 155 pounds.

       Leaving a bad relationship and coming home when I know I needed to for my own health.

        Where I am going and by the beach

       Chivalry, manners, and kindness


       Lack of integrity, snakes, and spiders 

        Intelligence, an open ear, and a sense of humor

       Sleeping in a warm cozy bed next to Crush while I dream of all of my favorite people. 

       A bird....perhaps a bluebird or a robin

       A comfy couch that my family loves to lay on

       It only takes one, True loss is the only way to get to real love

       My mommy.  She had withstood a lot, inspired me, and taught me that no one is perfect

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Seven Things

1.  I am the heaviest I have ever been.  Like, even college. I saw the numbers on the scale and I cringed.  I then got my period which explained some things.  I feel fine though.  I fit into my clothes. Bodies are weird.  I am not going to stress too much about it and I'm going to continue to work on eating well and exercising.  The binge eating is an addiction and it still has a hold on me.

2.  Crush is coming to town next week to see my family and attend a first birthday party for one of my best friend's daughter's. So excited to see him.  He asked to speak to my mom for a few moments alone and I know what it is about......I want an engagement ring very much like hers and asked that he allows my mom to help him.  He agreed. I think that when my folks meet his folks in June, he plans to take my mom to a jewelry store to begin the process.  I have this six sense with Crush and I'm rarely wrong, but I don't want to jinx it.  There is a part of me screaming out for a baby though.  I would much rather be a mom than a bride. I turn 32 this summer and I am holding my horses, cooling my jets, and slowing my roll, but my baby fever is just about 105 degrees.

I received some wonderful compliments that made me feel really good about myself over this past weekend.

3.  One of Crush's mom's friends came up to tell me that I looked, "just like a screen siren from the 1950s dahlin'. You are just a stunnin' peach. I would eat you up if I could, you are so sweet. Crush got lucky with you and honey, play 'em cards right and you will be dripping in diamonds.." Who doesn't like a compliment like that!?!

4. Crush's grandmother asked me who caught the bouquet. There wasn't a bouquet toss, but she is old fashioned and left early, so she thought she missed it.  She told me, "well, I'm tellin' everyone you caught the bouquet...because that is what I was hoping for." Awwwwwww........

5.  Crush's father gave me the best compliment of my life pretty much and made me tear up.....at the wedding after his speech, he came over to our table to chat and we congratulated him on his wonderful words and sentiments. He told me that "I prayed for a girl just like you for a really long time for my son.  Brains, beauty, and balls. He needs your good sense, strength, optimism, and humor.  You make him a better person.  Since he met you, this is the happiest and most relaxed I have ever seen him.  Thank you for being you and I can't wait to celebrate you two soon at your own wedding."  I almost dropped my champagne glass....it was like a dream.  It was one of those moments that you never think about, but when it happens, the entire world stands still.  The entire weekend was somewhat like this actually.

Considering that I once heard Awful's mom telling her friend that I would keep her son from joining the country club because I was Jewish and Jews weren't allowed in the club and she was happy my name didn't sound too Jewish and that I didn't look too Jewish....seriously, for real....In 2011. I heard her say that she couldn't understand why I would make her son convert and change him (WELL, BECAUSE HE TOLD ME HE WOULD CONVERT FOR ME ON OUR FIRST DATE AFTER CHASING ME FOR MONTHS).....soooooooooooo, this is a huge improvement.  Family acceptance makes EVERYTHING EASIER and I am deeply paranoid of family not liking me since Awful.  

6.  I am procrastinating like crazy.  I am in September right now in the south and not in April in the midwest. Must complete many things today. I feel my anxiety and depression creeping in because I want to be there and not here so badly. I should be working and I am researching future job opportunities and places to live.

7.  My sleep is awesome. Lights off, faced washed, teeth brushed. Just like the 31 year old I am.  8-11 hours a night straight through. Insane improvement.  Almost too luxurious.  I am sleeping like a newborn.  Years of sleep deprivation will do this.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

A Man With No Plan

I really only had 2 boyfriends before Crush.  Neither of them were very good.  1 was a sociopath that I found in bed with an 18 year old girl and 1 was Awful.....oy.

Somewhere in the middle of those two, I met a man who I slept with on and off for 2+ years.  I never considered him a boyfriend, but he did tell me he loved me and considered me his girlfriend when I was thin.  I told him I loved him back, but I truly didn't mean it.  I feel bad even typing that, but it is true.  Let's call him Simple Simon.

Simple Simon wasn't that smart even though he had a job that would lead you to believe that he was.  SS embarrassed me.  He wasn't polished, he was selfish in bed, and a terrible kisser at first (he became quite awesome).....SS was super cheap and had money issues......but, there was something I liked about him....

He was impressed by my accomplishments.  He liked that I knew how to do things: cook, clean, have sex, etc.  He also liked that I had hobbies: acting, reading, working out, riding my bike.....I think he thought I may have been out of his league and I believed I was, too.  I hesitated introducing him to my friends.....and when we did hang out with them, well, he always acted like a fool.  It mortified me.  So much so that I wished for "someone that did not embarrass me in public" on my husband list because of SS.

SS and I met at a Fourth of July Party 5 years ago.  We were both VERY drunk.  We made out that night and then continued to hang out off and on.  He was using me for sex.  I was using him for sex, even though it wasn't very good.  I was just lonely.  All of my friends were coupled up and having fun with their significant others.  All I wanted was some company and all he wanted was to get laid.

SS never wanted to go anywhere with me publicly.  I was going through a chubby phase and he told me that my weight embarrassed him.  I didn't like him enough to care or lose weight.  Whatever.  One night he called me to tell me he couldn't see me anymore because he was falling in love with me and I wasn't what he pictured in his plans.  I asked him what his plans were and he couldn't tell me.

A few weeks later, he told me I was beautiful, but my weight and religion (he was Catholic and I'm Jewish) made it impossible for us to have a future.  I remember feeling sad during this conversation, but not at all broken.....I was slightly whatever about it.  I liked him, but I didn't love him and I did not see a real future with him either.  I also wanted to watch something on TV that night, I remember just wanting to get off the phone.

Summer turned into fall and my sister got engaged.  We lost touch and I began working out and eating well and dropping the pounds.  30 or so in a matter of months.  My metabolism is so messed up for losing and gaining weight off and on starting when I was 20, so this is just how my body works.  We ran into each other one night as I was leaving the gym and he was jogging and his jaw hit the floor when he saw me.  Now that I was thin, I was closer to his ideal....the remaining issue was then just my religion.

We started hanging out again and I loved having the power and feeling sexy.  His approval was a turn-on for me.  We hung out often.  I cooked for him, we went for bike rides, he joined me for a business trip to New Orleans, and we even spent 1 NYE together with one of my best friends.  But, my heart was never in it.  We were too different.  He was a jerk, even though I don't truly think he believed he was one. He told me all about other girls.  I decided to date other men.  It was a bit of a mess.  Yet, he continued to tell me he loved me and I continued to say it back.....lies.  I would never do that now.  NEVER.  Another huge issue I had with him was that he was a porn addict.  He wanted to have sex porno style and he was often disrespectful to me in bed.  I didn't have the self confidence or awareness to tell him to stop treating me like shit.

I slept with him the entire summer before Sissy's wedding.  I didn't invite him to the wedding.  I didn't want to introduce him to my family.  Like I said, he embarrassed me.

A few weeks before the wedding, I was at his condo (that his brother who is an accomplished surgeon bought him) cooking him dinner and he decided to get drunk.  He had had a bad day at work and he couldn't explain why, he could never articulate his thoughts very well, but he was upset.  He started taking shots of Jack Daniels and became drunk quickly.  It was terrifying.  He never drank much.  He wolfed down his food and then proceeded to load the dishwasher and started going on and on about how awesome it was that he had a dishwasher.  I had one in my place and as awesome as dishwashers are, it was all really odd.  Then, he put bathroom soap into the machine....like, he squirted the soap over the dishes like water from a hose.....I tried to correct him and he called me a "fat, ugly, Jewish, know it all bitch."  I grabbed my purse and left.

As I walked briskly back to my place, I knew that I never wanted to see him again....EVER.  I told my doorman to not let him up ever again and I deleted him from my phone.

I was actually relieved because I was looking for a way out and he gave it to me.  It was what I wanted.  I wanted to dump him flat on his face for not wanting to date me at first because I was fat.

SS was hard to shake.  He showed up at my place, my gym, my work.  I never told anyone.  I felt like he wasn't really smart enough to do anything bad and he lived in fear of the DUI he had gotten years before and was very careful and afraid of police, so at least I had that on my side.

Eventually he went away....every few months I do get an email for him asking me to coffee and offering an apology.  I always delete it without responding.

I cyber-stalked him a few days ago and not surprisingly, he is still single.

I wish him the best, I really do.  So happy I didn't settle for that.

It is times like these when I realize how lucky I am for Crush.