Time is Flying and the REAL TRUTH About My Weight…...

HI!!!!!!!  Helllllllooooooooooo??????!!!!

I have been thinking about blogging for days which turned into weeks which turned into months.

June was the busiest month EVER.  We had guests every weekend and an engagement party and we took a trip to Florida to visit best friends and I am currently working two part-time jobs which actually equals one full-time job.  The jobs are in different cities and both operate under southern terms (LAST MINUTE EVERYTHING), so I will have my day all planned out and then I will get a text saying to come in (unplanned) or don't come in (as planned) and the whole thing can suck it.  It isn't forever and I already have a full-time job lined up when I move, so I can make this work for a few more months.  A paycheck is a paycheck and it is really nice to have one (or two!) again!

The wedding planning is coming along.  All of a sudden it is getting SO CLOSE.  I will be a married lady in less than four months.  Gulp.  So much to do, but I have my lists and hope to get most of it squared away this month which is actually making me very excited.  It is hard to tell clients this, but so much of the wedding planning and decision making (after vendors are selected and contracts are signed) happens just a few months out, so I decided to make July the real decision making month, so I don't have to make final decisions more than once.  My invitations have already been printed out and they are FABULOUS!  I seriously cannot stop staring at and fondling (not the right word….) them!!!!

So, my weight…..anyone who reads here even just a little knows that it is a huge issue for me.

Over the weekend, Crush and I visited his grandmother for a quick dinner and she was in rare form.  I sadly cannot share a lot of what she said about other people because it is not PC and truly awful and she is actually (I am hoping to still think) a very interesting and wonderful person.  She comes from a different time and she is currently isolated and alone a lot and I have seen it happen with my own grandmother, that kind of loneliness can create an opinion that isn't nice and often isn't true.  She is becoming bitter.  Bitter is never much fun.

On Saturday, before we went to eat at a restaurant, Grandmother offered us some cheese and crackers and wine which is very traditional around here.  A little cocktail hour.  I declined the cheese and crackers as I have been doing for months (I just don't find it worth the calories personally and crackers are a very binge inducing food for me) and then this little conversation happened:

Grandmother: Are you trying to lose weight for the wedding?

R&F: Yes, I have been for a while, not just for the wedding, also for my health.

(She eyes me up and down slowly)

Grandmother: Really???  I haven't noticed a change.

R&F: Yes, I am losing very slowly.  I am down a few sizes and it is coming along.

Grandmother: I can't tell.  But it is hard to tell with you big girls.  You really need to get on it, time is ticking away.  You really don't want to be a plus sized bride.  Your photo will be in the paper.

R&F: I will keep this all in mind, thank you for the suggestion (what Smartie Best Friend told me to say when you don't want advice, but want to be polite, it shuts down all unwanted commentary.  For real! Try it.).

As I sat on her antique couch in the parlor (seriously), I felt my eyes well up with tears, but I got myself together.  This is an opinion of a woman almost ninety who comments on every one's weight including her own granddaughter who is WAY too skinny now, but used to be a lot closer to my size.  It is funny when you start seeing the flaws in other people's families.  It takes time, but no family is perfect.

My own grandmother also has an issue with my body.  I discussed it briefly with my sis over text yesterday and she offered me some great insight.  My body is tall and broad.  I am 5'10".  It isn't a body that was around so much a century ago.  Women are getting taller and broader and now it isn't so uncommon to see a taller lady.  A bigger lady.  A beautiful lady who is a presence because of the space she commands when she walks into a room.

I kept to myself about Grandmother's comments.  It didn't even really register to Crush.  She insults him on the regular about his hair, clothes and posture.  Grandmothers are like that a lot and he is immune to commentary which is a quality I find very endearing in him.  I cried a bit to myself in the shower yesterday as I wanted life in South Carolina to be free of everything I hated about Chicago, including comments about my weight, but enough idealizing reality!  Life is life and a thousand miles doesn't preserve me from idiots.  They roam the ENTIRE world.

I haven't binged in months.  Months.

I feel so much better.

I am taking it day by day and I can't believe it sometimes.  Binging was my best friend for nearly four years.  Binging was my constant companion.  Binging was my reward for work completed.  Binging was a focus to fill my time when many of my friends were busy with their husbands and children and I felt like I couldn't bother them.  Binging was my dirty secret that I wanted to keep hidden even as I had to continue to buy larger pants.

Now for THE REAL (I have given bits and pieces in context, but here is the total situation) weight recap:

- My lowest adult weight ever that I remember was 165 pounds.  I got there right around my sister's wedding almost five years ago.

- When I started to date Awful, I didn't even realize it at the time, but I began using food as a coping mechanism because I was in an unbalanced and emotionally abusive relationship.  One year after my sister's wedding, I was up nearly 50 pounds.  The morning of my tummy tuck, I weighed 211 pounds.

- When I moved home with my folks, my weight fluctuated.  I began taking the ADHD medicine, Concerta, to help me cope and function.  Secretly, I wanted it because I was desperate to lose weight.  These kind of medicines make me lose my appetite for weeks and I wanted the easy way out and I needed a push to literally get out of bed because I was so depressed (why my doctor even suggested it, I literally couldn't move some mornings).  On the medicine, I lost about 15 pounds.  The bounce back effect for me was brutal.  I had severe withdrawals and craved carbs, candy and junk food in abundant amounts.  I put on all the weight I lost and more.

- During the almost two years I lived with my folks, I was stressed out and depressed.  I was in a cycle of using food as a emotional release and I was hurting myself.  Gorging so badly, it was like I was in an alcohol stupor many days.  My weight ballooned from time to time.  For a few weeks, I wouldn't eat much and then I would quickly lose 10 pounds.  Then I would eat again and gain weight rapidly.  The cycle repeated over and over again.   During this time, I began seeking therapy for my food addiction.  It took a little bit of practice and patience to take what I was learning and apply it to my life, but I started changing my habits and daily routine.  Little my little.  At first, I could only go a few days between binges, but it was progress.

- When I moved to Charleston, I got on the scale after allowing myself to eat everything I wanted before I left Chicago.  A huge struggle for me in my parents' house involved the little treats (ice cream, bread, potato chips, crackers) they have that I couldn't have around me in the beginning of seeking therapy.  I am now okay around all food because I use my strategies and I never allow myself to get too hungry.   When I got on the scale my first day in Charleston, finally ready to face this weight battle head on, my weight was…..GULP….my weight was 227 pounds.  THE HIGHEST WEIGHT I HAVE EVER BEEN.  From my thinnest, I was up 62 pounds.

- I decided to go slow and steady.  One day at a time.  A few pounds at a time.  I eat tons of fruits and veggies and lean protein.  I love cottage cheese and popcorn. I get excited over new salad recipes.  Fresh peaches and watermelon get me going.  I allow myself my absolute favorites once in a while: a few slices of Papa Johns pizza, a scrumptious gourmet burger and fries at local place famous for them or a delectable ice cream cone from a candy shop I love.  Treats are a part of life.  I don't hate myself anymore after I eat them or allow a little slip-up to define my mood and turn me into a total bitch like I used to.  Food is food.  It isn't the boss of me.  There is always room for some yummy when I eat pretty nutritiously most of the time.

- I got on the scale yesterday afternoon feeling VERY defeated by Grandmother.  The scale read 190.  I  have lost 37 pounds since October.  My goal weight has been 175 pounds (I think 165 actually looks a little too thin on me) for the wedding and I know that I will get there.  Just a little more to go.  175 is my life goal weight.  Whereas, it isn't my skinniest, it is a weight I feel healthy and strong at and one I think I can maintain for the long haul.  It is a good choice for me.

Whew….this was not easy for me to share.  But, I am proud of myself.  I have come a long way and for the first time ever, I haven't starved my way down in weight.  I want to jump up and down!

Yes, Grandmother may never approve of my big.  But, the important thing is that her grandson loves every inch of me and always has, even at ALL of my sizes.

Been Too Long, Some Updates

I am alive.  I am very sick with the flu this week (it started with a stomach thing and now I can't swallow and my face hurts and I have a fever) and I want to go outside because it is sunny and I can't move.  I miss blogging.  There is no excuse for my absence.  I am getting busy with my new life here and all that, but there is always time to write, just like how there is always time to do something (doesn't have to be the gym) active.  Here are some updates and SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS, I am on medicine and kinda out of it today.

• CRUSH UPDATE: Crush traveled with me to NYC a few weeks ago for a family event and met a lot of my Dad's side of the family.  They loved him and it felt great to introduce him to many of the "characters" (crazy people) I am related to and observe his reactions.  I smile just thinking about it.  Priceless.  He is now "in" on some of the jokes I have with my sister about my Dad's cousins and I am enjoying our still on-going group texts about the conversations he was cornered into with people who are beyond entertaining and don't even know it. 

• WEDDING UPDATE: Our save-the-dates just went into the mail.  OY.  Getting all of the addresses together was not fun.  It never is.  Our list is epically out of control and my parents (my dad specifically) doesn't want to fight with Crush's parents about the guest list.  My dad is paying for the ENTIRE wedding, well everything other than the rehearsal dinner, and he is being insanely generous.  He had money set aside for my wedding (I am lucky that my parents did truly believe that I would one day get married, even if I didn't ever believe it myself!).  The guilt about how much money he is spending has kept me up a few nights because honestly, I would be happy with a lot less, but the wedding seems very important to Crush's side and their generosity with me has been so unreal that my dad just wants to keep the peace which I agree is a smart thing to do.  Crush's folks pretty much gave Crush and me our new house (Crush technically inherited it and it EVEN comes fully furnished….it needs some work, but still….I am beyond appreciative to have been given a HOME).  You have no idea how many families I have seen become broken (like the 2 sides end up HATING each other) over petty things during the engagement process.  My dad wants to avoid fighting at all costs.  So, currently 350 people are on the guest list.  AND, I have been the one who has cut her list by leaps and bounds and not everyone I want will get a save-the-date.  Also, if I haven't spoken to someone in over 2 years,  I cut them off the list and I am feeling a bit guilty about it, but I also feel weird  inviting people that I don't talk to anymore.  As far as I can control my invites, I really only want the people I love and adore to be at the wedding.  When push comes to shove, having too many people to ask is a good problem to have.  It makes you realize how lucky we (Crush and my families) are. 

• DIET & EXERCISE UPDATE: I started barre (I do a local brand here called Barre Evolution) which is in the same family as Bar Method and Pure Barre and only 8 classes in, I can already see a difference in my body, specifically my arms and thighs.  LOVE IT even though much of the class I flounder on the carpet and trip over my toes at the bar.  It is indeed tough, but that's how you get results. I am down 20 pounds since I moved to Charleston and working out and counting calories is my mission each and every day.  I try to either go to spinning or barre classes as much as my schedule allows because it is crunch time and I am getting married in 8 months!  My binge eating is still an issue, it will always be a daily struggle, but I am conscious of it.  I have my engagement party dress and it is a smidgen too small, but I know that in 2 months (my engagement party is 2 months away….eeeekkkkkk) if I keep doing what I am doing, that it will look great! 

• LIFE & FRIENDS UPDATE: I now have a part-time job and I have a few friends here.  More to come on both of that in another post. 

• ANXIETY & DEPRESSION UPDATE: I realize that my social anxiety is holding me back.  I have this odd issue where I think everyone hates me (for no reason) and my self-deprecating thoughts are not healthy.  I am trying a few new strategies to move past this personal insanity and I am thinking that getting back on Facebook may be a good first step.  I have nothing to hide and I realize that I am limiting my potential to meet new people by being so private.  I wish I lived 100 years ago before computers a lot of the time because I think I would have enjoyed it better.  It's 2014 and I have to embrace socialization and sadly, most of the people I "know" choose to spend the majority of their time socializing online.  If you can't beat them, join them?  

Have a great weekend!

XO,

R&F

I Won't Grow Up!!!

Peter Pan Syndrome.

This notion of never really having to grow up.

Awful was textbook this.  At 38, he thought it was completely normal to drink 7 nights a week, impulsively buy motorcycles and scooters he couldn't really afford and put himself into wild and dangerous situations: sailing in severe weather, riding a scooter drunk in a storm, keeping several weapons in his home without storing them safety and discreetly.  This one really irked me, especially because he always wanted to have people over.

Over the last few years, I have witnessed too many grown men act like 15 year old boys with their first case of Natural Light.  I have dealt with man-child grooms.  Lost little best men.  Even fathers of the brides or grooms who act like the wedding they are attending may be a frat party.  I sometimes have to take a moment NOT to laugh.  Getting obscenely drunk (and oh how many times I have seem rampant cocaine use) in public at a formal event is a personal choice, but I can't say I think it is the best look, ESPECIALLY if you are the groom.......

Well, this little rant takes me to a wedding that I planned a few months ago.  For a couple that I knew vaguely.  This couple (who were actually super sweet and lovely) knew many people who attended my same high school.  When I initially saw their guest list, I gagged, sneered and then took a xanax and laid down.  I knew it was going to be an unruly crowd.  I have to remember this when I feel judged by other people.  Yikes, I judge, too.  Bad, when it comes to these folks. 

I wasn't wrong.  See, the second I graduated from high school, the first thing I thought was, "I AM FREE!"  Free to get away from the vapid, empty, moronic and ridiculous people that I had to share halls and pretend to like for 4 years.  I never looked back.  I rarely returned their phone calls.  This was before Facebook.  You could escape your past.  I didn't like anyone enough to keep in touch, so I didn't.

But, I am the minority.  Most people from my high school stay together like a pack of wolves.  They go to college together, join the same frats and sororities.  They have all of their firsts together: sex, booze, drugs.  They move to the same neighborhoods and even live in the same condo buildings post graduation.  They marry each other.  They divorce each other.  They cheat with each other's spouses.  People that also went to the same high school.  To me, it all seems too closed.  Suffocating.  They have no close friends other than the people they shared a 6th grade cafeteria table with.  It makes me itch.  The world is bigger than this.

When the high school wedding rolled around, it was everything I knew it would be.  A bunch of people who have known each other for 20+ years all dressed up, trying to impress and shock one another.  See, this is what happens when the only new blood may be a spouse that gets sucked into the mix.  Everyone competes.  The competition is so personal.  No one can escape.  It becomes an incestuous rat race. The girls starve themselves and wear micro mini dresses intended for those under 25 and NOT over 35.  The guys wear custom suits and show off about whose family business (many work for their Dads) allow them to work the least amount possible.  They take shots.  They run to the bathroom and then ask me inane questions with coke literally hanging out of their nostrils.  They grind on one another.  At this particular event, I witnessed a man kissing someone other than his wife.  But, I have heard for years (even from my mom) that swinging in my old neighborhood exists, so why wouldn't they do exactly what their parents did 30 years ago?  The truth is that they traveled down the same path, so it all makes sense.  History repeats itself. 

And yet, part of me feels left out.  Not like I would want to part of this madness, but they have so many memories ALL together.  They knew each other as children, teenagers, young adults and now middle aged.  They have history.  My best friendships were made in college and right after.  Aside from one friend from junior high that I still keep in touch with, all of my other buds are not from a continuous phase in my life and sometimes I get a bit sad because I love memories....yet, the ones I try to block tend to be the ones that involved these kinds of people.

The best part of the high school wedding was that Crush was there to help me.  He had come into town with me to do a few wedding tasks for our own celebration coming up next fall, so he got to see the people from my high school in action.  He went to boarding school, so he doesn't have a sense of what I went through and how annoying I think 99% of the people I grew up with really are.  He has questioned me about them and about my high school experience and I always just sum it up by saying..."Ugh, think about having to hang out with the most annoying people for 4 years and pretending you liked them.  It sucked." 

As we lay in bed after working all day getting a great (with super annoying friends) couple married, my beloved turned over and stroked my face and said, "R&F, no wonder why you aren't friends with people from your high school.  I have never witnessed such inappropriate behavior in my life.  Grown men with children acting like drunk little wild boys.  It actually grossed me out.  How old were these people anyway, like 35?  Do they ever grow up?  7 guys at 1 point were all in the handicap stall doing coke when I went to use the restroom.  And let's not even talk about what all of those ladies were wearing.  I don't think if you were born in the 70's that I should be able to see your thong underwear when you dance."

And as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, I smiled.  The person I will marry "gets it."  

Few really do.  

Shit Happens (In My Pants!)

DISCLAIMER: This post may gross you out!

It's times like these that I am glad that I am still veiled under anonymity.  If not, how could I share with  you this little gem...?

I pooped my pants this weekend.  For the first time since I was 3.  Does this give me street cred?

My personal mortification about this is suffocating me.  I am coming clean and no one has to read any further if I am making you gag.

Late Friday night, I started feeling awful.  Feverish, achy, tummy pains, just terrible.

I was rolling all over the bed, so I decided to get up and sleep on my couch and let Crush rest in the bed.  I had tons of Bravo shows to catch up on to distract me from my symptoms.

Well, after a night of restless couch sleep peppered with the sounds of Reza, Nene, Pascale and Lisa, I woke up mid-morning, covered in sweat.  Stiff, crampy and alone.  I guess in the midst of my zonked out state, Crush left to catch up on work.  I was taking an inventory of my condition when I felt a stomach pain like no other wash over me.  It doubled me over.  I got up as soon as my feverish self allowed me so I could get to the restroom ASAP,  but it was too late.  Very Charlotte-like in Sex and The City (the movie).    If the ladies of SATC poop in their trousers, everyone must, right?! It's quite fashionable and fabulous so I have heard.

If anyone out there has ever thought (I am sure none of you have), wow, Ready and Fading is cool.  Well, please consider that I poop my pants sometimes, too.

Breakups SUCK! A Post Dedicated to a Friend I Love

A friend I love and care for deeply is going through a little something....a breakup.

IT SUCKS.

I told her this.  Time* is the only way to soothe the breakup scorn.  I wish there was a better answer for this and we could play a fun 80's song and have a fashion spree/makeover montage and make it all go away in 3 minutes.

* Even 2 YEARS post breakup and I am engaged to my soul mate for heaven's sake, I STILL get angry about the shit that went down with Awful from time to time and cyber stalk him and balk and huff around.  I BROKE UP WITH HIM, let's not forget which only adds to my crazy.  AND......I think he may have acquired a bulldog which ANNOYS me on EVERY level because that was the dog I WANTED when we were together and he didn't want one.  He once again gets to give me a virtual flick off and as hilarious as I find it because he doesn't have an original thought, it enrages me because get your own ideas and own life, Awful.  AND, nanananabooboo, I don't even want a bulldog anymore, but I won't tell you the kind of dog we are getting (a cairn terrier) because you will probably outbid the one I put a deposit down for and travel 1,200 miles by motorcycle to screw me over.  Yes, I know, I am NOT normal (AT ALL!) and that the world doesn't revolve around me and trying to piss me off.  I also realize that only bolding some words which I do when I get excited must be super annoying to read...sorry about that.  Oy, the "......" must be annoying, too. 

There is nothing I like more than an inspirational quote.  I look at Pinterest and Instagram for them and not for wedding ideas which is pretty funny when you think about it.  Here are a few things I came up with, a few things I summarized from being influenced by other sayings and a few things that are just common sense (when you think about it and the heart sometimes clouds the mind) that I wanted to share for my AMAZING friend and everyone else who has suffered a breakup.  Here we go:

1.  Breakups and breakdowns allow for breakthroughs.

2.  A person should be measured by the way they make you feel as when it comes to love, that is the only thing that really matters.

3.  Life gives you great lessons when you are ready to learn them.

4.  Change is terrifying, but it is also extremely exciting. A clean slate is a gift that keeps on giving.

5.  So much can happen in a year.  Shit, look at me if you really need some proof.  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for ANYONE......I am not a precious pony.

6.  Make your husband/wife list.  Make it!  PLEASE.  When you are ready.  It works.  I got everything I wrote on my list....EVERYTHING.  And....well, I forgot to wish for clean and tidy, sigh.

7.  Getting in shape and buying new makeup and revamping your wardrobe and losing weight are all awesome.  But, nothing can really fix the way you feel about yourself externally until you change the way you feel about yourself internally.  I tried to lose weight for YEARS before meeting Crush and I am just now able to do it because I feel safe, secure and loved.  My fiancé fell in love with me when I was at my absolute heaviest EVER and he still loves me for me.  I will get off my pedestal now and stop playing my violin, but true love is about so much more than the way you look. And we are ALL gorgeous, darlings.

8.  Reintroduce yourself to a few things that you missed from your life before this relationship ever happened.  These things make you happy and ground you and will help you re-identify with who you are as a person.

9.  A broken heart is a feeling like no other.  It is dark and scary and painful and parched.  It is heavy and deep and personal and lonely.  Trite as it is, the thin line between love and hate can be microscopic.  You will feel crazy.  You will feel FUCKING PISSED.  You will eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.  But, you WILL FEEL.  And feeling emotion is this amazing thing that people can do.  You will forever really understand what all of the sad songs, movies and poems about love are all about. You will be moved.  And your outlook about what you deserve and who you allow yourself to date will change because you will have learned (sometimes it takes a few tries to get this one down......I liked to date alcohol and food abusers until I realized that 2 peas in a pod may make a party, but not a functioning relationship).

10.  Do not apologize for the person that you are.  Only apologize for the stupidity of the person you were once with because they could not appreciate all of your gifts.  For example, "I am sorry, but you will NEVER do better than me." Oh yes, and sometimes a simple, "FUCK YOU!!!!" can be very effective, too.

When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and if you are too depressed for a little while to get the motivation to mix them with water and sugar, I highly recommend sipping on some Limoncello to take the edge off.

XXXXX,

R&F

So Much To Say AND So Hard To Say It

Hi out there!

I hope all is well and that everyone had a wonderful Tday.

I spent mine in South Carolina and it was lovely.  I missed my own family dearly, but I enjoy (most) of Crush's, so it was a nice celebration.

I have a lot to say and yet I feel myself pulling back.  I am censoring myself a bit which I don't like.  For a while, I played around with the idea of revealing more of myself and sharing photos and all that on this blog.  After much consideration, I finally decided that I just don't feel comfortable with this  right now.

I am still trying to get my legs here and life is great, but is it perfect? Of course not.  I had a bunch of less anonymous posts planned (they are in my draft box) and I felt major doubt and anxiety about unveiling myself every single time I went to press the publish button.  I have to trust my instincts.

I am in the process of looking for a full-time job blah blah blah and the REAL truth here: Crush's family is sadly VERY judgmental and I fear that if they read ALL of what I have said here and I have said a lot, well then, I guess I worry that they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't understand me.  Then, I stress that my fiance wouldn't want to marry me.....HOLY REVELATION TIME!!!!!!

I am me.  I am this person now and she is pretty great.  BUT, I have a past.  A past a bit juicer than Crush's.

Crush is getting better at being his own man, but he is very influenced by his family and that is actually a good thing because his parents are awesome and quite sensible.

But.....well, there is a big piece of this puzzle I am leaving out, so here goes.....

Let's just say that Crush's little sister is a force to be reckoned with and I don't want to face that force head on.  I am totally afraid of her in some ways because she is utterly unpredictable.  Her favorite current form of entertainment is looking up a Facebook profile of one of her "friends" and publicly ripping that person apart....ruthlessly. To say I find her appalling would be an understatement.  She is the text book definition of a mean girl.  The only silver lining,  I have experience with this type of gal.  I remember high school well and let's not even start with the countless vapid bridezillas I have dealt with over the last few years.  And perhaps even more important, Crush thinks she acts like an idiot too, but he is not one to ruffle feathers or speak his mind.  We are working on this.  I bet his family won't like it, but as much as I love his sweetness,  I also need some balls and a backbone.

She leaves me exhausted.

I don't think there is anyway to avoid having her as a bridesmaid even though I would seriously entertain eloping in order to avoid having her around me on my wedding.  She is just everything I am against and I find it very telling that Crush says that he "despises girls like his sister" because we are so different.  Any romantic fan of hers wouldn't be a fan of mine.

More to come on her, I have a whole post dedicated to her commentary.

Crush knows EVERYTHING about me, but of course, there are some personal things that his family doesn't.  Things from my past that I am sure they would find concerning.  I went through a phase where I dabbled in cocaine a little bit.  I have eating issues.  I used to drink because I was so depressed.  I used to get very angry.  I have been in several abusive relationships where I made myself a willing victim.

I am finding that by keeping to myself, being a good listener and staying friendly,  I am okay.  These are not traits that come easy for me.  All of my life experiences have come together as a coping mechanism.

I am thinking of continuing to blog here and then in due time, making a new public blog that shares more of my life openly.  There, things will be a bit more sunshine and rainbows as most public blogs are.  I want to tell the good and the bad, I just know that if I show my face, I will only tell the good and what fun is that to read, if you know it is STILL ME behind all of my shiny posts?  I am not a perfect person.  I never will be.

I guess the harsh reality is that I have everything I have ever wanted.  A bright future, a man that adores me (I am so lucky here) and future financial stability.  But, there is always something.   Starting with a mean girl sister-in-law is something not to be ignored.

Isn't It Ironic?

I go to an obnoxious gym.  Suburban life at it's finest.  70 year old plastic ladies in teeny bikinis,  $100,000 luxury cars parked across 3 spaces, and juicy infidelity gossip shared at the smoothie stand that gets immediately twisted in the locker room.

Yet, I have been there a lot.  Because I need to be.  And the bonus is that I hardly know anyone there, so it is worth it to me to go somewhere annoying if I can be anonymous.

Something I find very ironic at my gym are the parking lot wars. Members circle close spots like it is Black Friday at the mall.  Aren't you there to work out?  What is a few extra steps if you plan to do an hour on the treadmill?

Last week, I witnessed a blond in a Lexus SUV and a brunette in a Range Rover get into a bitch fight over a parking spot.  Both had children under 3 in their fancy rides.  Seriously, this isn't The Real Housewives of 24 Hour Gyms....move on....move on!

I laughed at how ridiculous the entire situation was and parked in the furthest spot possible.  Then I walked right by the fight on my way in, so I could here the ridiculous rants of, "move your car because I was here FIIIIIIRRRSSSSTTTTT" to remind myself that people like this are morons and I never want to become one.

Ever since then, I have been parking far away when I visit anywhere with a huge parking lot.

I decided that the extra steps and avoiding drama are both positives.....but if you decide to get into a public fight...I will be gawking....I love me drama from afar.

Feeling Nervous

Crush is coming to town tonight.  In the middle of rush hour on a holiday weekend.  On the flight I specifically asked him NOT to take because I will sit in no less than 3 hours trying to go 40 miles to get him and that doesn't include the ride after he joins me in the car.  Get me OUT of this city....NOW!  PLEASE!!!!!!

There is a reoccurring theme unfortunately....Crush's inability to hear what I say sometimes....or maybe it is just me?

Sometimes these days, I think it is me.

I feel that as I am changing, maybe the things I say....I am not really staying correctly, or maybe I am not explaining things well.....sometimes Crush makes me feel crazy....but, I know why and I will share it later on in the post.

There is a thin line between love and hate and I want to stay on the love side of things!

This week, I didn't love Crush more than I did last week.

I feel like in our relationship thus far, every second since I met him, I have loved him a bit more.

I almost think about my love for Crush as a graph...with the line going up and up from week to week...but this week...well, my love for him stayed the same.

PLATEAU!

Is the honeymoon over????

Crush is FRUSTRATING ME!  He still doesn't have a plan for where we will live next year and it keeps going back and forth from the city to the country.  Flip-flopping.

No regard for my career search which I already started or the fact that I need to find a way to support myself next year, too.

After 1 week of almost hourly back and forths and over explanations of Crush's future plans....my psoriasis flaring the worst it ever has from stress, and gaining 5 pounds from eating every single second instead of calling him and telling him off.....

I decided, I am moving to the city.

With OR without him.

It is what I wanted to do anyway.  The original plan.  And we can still get engaged and just not live in the same place..... Crush has a place to live in both towns and since we won't be living together before we say "I do"....I don't have anything, yet...(I KNOW...we could just live together, BUT, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO and I made that mistake before with Awful...I cannot move in with someone again....it would be insane for me though I know it works beautifully for many people including my parents and even Sissy!).

We are 3 1/2 months out from my move and I don't have the time to wait.....sorry, Crush....I am moving across the country for you....the 55 mile difference between city and country isn't my biggest concern anymore....that seems close compared to nearly 1,300 miles of distance from here to down South.

I need a good job.  Something I will be proud of.  A position that can integrate me into the city. And unlike him, my family cannot just create a roll for me....he is lucky, he is.

Crush doesn't mean to be selfish, but he is.  Sometimes he will talk about himself for 30 minutes before he asks me a single question about my day....it annoys me.  But, up until Wednesday, I never even thought to mention it.  To point it out...

Now, what I briefly mentioned above...the WHY is Crush the way he is?

Well, I have skirted around this issue a bit and I now feel like I have a better grasp on explaining it.  Crush has a processing issue.  A learning disability.  It seems like a real legit bad case of ADHD or ADD (I am not a doctor....).  The messes, the inability to plan, the needing extra time to do anything, the impulsive decisions that aren't always the best....

I think it was undiagnosed for far too long.  I don't know how anyone missed it as I picked up on it from the very first long email he sent me.....I thought...."wow, this guy is super smart, but his organization and sentence structure..hmmmmm, he is very hard to follow..." and this comes from me....a person who isn't even a great writer (I am not fishing for any compliments, I truly know that my grammar needs HELP!)...

I asked Crush if he had any learning issues before we even met, to take the pressure off of him to feel the need to overcompensate.  I don't know how it wasn't "discovered" until he was in the midst of failing horribly in a masters program?!  The fact that he graduated from college with honors without time extensions baffles me.  It hurts my heart to say this, but I think he worked EXTREMELY hard and since he has family connections, he could have glided through better than most with his same condition.  I read his final thesis and considering where he went to school (a school considered FAR better than mine) it wasn't what I would consider an "A", but what do I know?!

Crush has manners and is gentile, so that covers up a lot of awkwardness, but the truth is that he is horrible in social situations and as I have explained before, without a lot of knowledge about how the world works, sometimes.

His protected and charmed life has helped him pass-on through easily, but in many ways, I know I am helping him "see" how to relate and react to people.  I am teaching him how to ask questions and make casual conversation.  1 of the first parties I went to with him I noticed that he socialized by moving around the room and telling every single party-goer the same exact story.  Once he passed the general pleasantries of "how are you?", he went right into a tale of how we almost got robbed (tis true) and how I saw it before he did (again true), but the story was highly dramatic and inappropriate for the happy occasion we were celebrating.  When I told him that I thought perhaps he could practice listening and not talking AT people (I can be guilty of this too!)...it was a total revelation for him...all of his life, he has been getting through his countless social requirements by repeating a story he prepared to share before he arrived...it makes me tear up just thinking about it AND I have MAJOR social anxiety myself.  It was his coping mechanism.  He doesn't have many close friends (he has TONS of distant friends though) because he doesn't know how to open up, to share, to relate, to listen.

I know I seem like a bitch right now.......but, well.....but...

I am not THAT excited to see my boyfriend this afternoon......I feel rather "whatever" about it.  It is scaring me.

I went out for coffee with a male friend yesterday and he looked sexy to me in a way that he never has before and I am all WHAT IS HAPPENING!?  I had to tell myself...."GET IT TOGETHER!!!!"

Yet, I know what is happening truly on the inside....I am scared.

Time is getting closer to when I leave and I know that I may be engaged in a few months and it seems SO final....like I never thought anyone would want to marry me and now someone does and I always sabotage....I always don't let the goodness find me....I fuck it up before I can get to that final good spot.

I get so close to greatness and I let it go.  I like to fail.  I don't know why.  But, I feel like I don't deserve success even though I KNOW NOW I DO.  This is a baby relapse, but a step back nonetheless and I want to own it.  To realize that it is happening while it is happening in real time.  To not let the quicksand suck me in....so tempting it can be.

I MAKE A VOW TO MYSELF NOW:

I AM NOT GOING TO FAIL THIS TIME! 

Yes, my boyfriend has faults, but overall he is a winner.  He is ALL I ever wanted.  He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me.  Crush is my soulmate.  I know in my heart.  99 percent of the time, nothing in the world makes more sense than our love.....

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, unlike Awful, I am not telling you this to convince myself, I truly believe it.

It is time for me to get to the gym, to shave my legs, to pack my lingerie for the long weekend, and to appreciate that someone loves me for ALL of my flaws ....which are NOT few and far between.

If you made it here...thank you for reading that roller coaster post. I didn't know where it was going until it came to a dead stop and here we are.

HAPPY FRIDAY ALL!

Processing the Big Picture

Hi friends!

I have missed you!

I have been working and working out and lifting weights and sunning my psoriasis in limited doses (it really helps it go away and another reason why I can't wait to go South...sunshine and saltwater!!!), and daydreaming about life in less than 4 months!!!!

I have also been processing.

I feel ill even typing what I am about to share, but I feel like I can't start censoring now.  I have come too far with my honesty....please don't judge me.  PLEASE.

So, potential.  Yes, I need to address this.  Because it has been bothering me.

I didn't work up to my potential.  I should have worked harder in high school and college.  I know this. I could have been more.  I should have achieved better career-wise.  I want to go back to school for a masters degree for this very reason.  To prove that I can for myself. I was so smart, top of my class, until I was 15 and fell apart from self esteem issues.  It has haunted me.  My parents thought I was destined for the Ivys until my sophomore year of high school.  I let them down, but mostly, I let myself down.

School jazz aside, I am proud that I have always had a job since I was 15.  I was a babysitter, lifeguard, waitress, bartender, bar-back, restaurant hostess, camp counselor, pizza maker, swim lesson instructor, receptionist at a dental office, vacuum cleaner saleswoman (NO JOKE and a great story as I just learned that it was actually a drug ring and I had NO idea when I worked there), and a nanny all before I graduated from college.  I had all of these jobs for a while until location made me have to leave them.  I always excelled at my positions, often got promoted, and never had a problem picking up things quickly.

I accepted my first real job within 3 weeks of leaving my college campus.  I interviewed for 4 jobs and were offered all of them (it was a different time before the recession).  I have never not been asked back for a second interview.  I am great at work (well, up until rather recently when some people have not actually seen my potential, but that is okay, too!).  Work is one of my strengths.

Crush on the other hand, was in school until 26.  Then, passing big exams and licensings.  He never worked a job until he was 28 years old.  It was a job that he didn't even have to interview for.  He once worked for a few weeks for a family friend while pursuing his masters and then once went out on a job interview for a potential position, but was not offered it.  His experience is limited.

Crush is simple in some ways.  I had to teach him how to tip.  I had to teach him how to speak to servers (unless you have worked at a restaurant or had friends or family do it....you have no idea how hard it can be), and how be patient at restaurants...he would ask for water, bread, and wine from the hostess before we were even sat at our table and visited by our server....it read as rude, but he had no idea that it wasn't correct as he often had people serving meals in his own home growing up.

I had to explain how hard work is for most because he honestly had no idea.  Sometimes.....I think Crush either lived under a rock until he met me or was brought to the year 2012 (when we met) in a time machine or a spaceship.

I feel weird sharing this, but Crush is supported mostly by his family.  He is being groomed to take over one of their several businesses.  I am being supported by my family too right now, but not exactly in the same way. I am saving money while I live at home.  I cover all of my expenses, the folks just don't make me pay rent which is awesome (THANK YOU MOM AND DAD!).  It isn't exactly the same as generous and as awesome as my p's are.  Hell, I am spoiled too...it's all relative I suppose.

I have always had a job though and even if I am not the best saver...work has been a part of my life.

Crush really doesn't make much money on his own...I just learned about this, this week.  It is less than I ever made in my corporate jobs and it surprised me a bit.  He was born into a really good life.  I don't know numbers, but I know that he has more savings at less than 35 than my Dad ever will (my dad worked for the SAME company for 42 years!) and that is just the tip of the iceberg...there will always be more, much more.....so much more.  It will come over the years.

Yes, I have to sign a prenuptial agreement.  We have discussed this.  It is simply how his life is.

It is not my money...it is from all of the generations and generations before him.  It is hard to get my head around it and I am weirded out by it.  It keeps me up some nights.  It makes me nervous.

I am glad I met Crush online and he never told me any of this until way into our relationship when I started putting things together and realizing that his own work experience and life experience would not have been able to produce what he has.

I would love him even if he had nothing and in some ways, I think that he would be better developed and more of a man if this was the case....if he had to work like most of the rest of us do in life.

So, my boyfriend hasn't ever had to work up to his potential because the objective of making money was never really forced.  Yet, he is frugal (sometimes alarmingly so) and great with money and investing.  He is resourceful and not wasteful and genuinely kind and charitable (even though he thought 5 percent and not 20 percent tips were okay before he met me....SORRY to all of those hard working servers out there....please don't spit in our food when you us out for dinner!).  He has a heart and soul that is so pure and good, it astounds me sometimes.  He was raised right in many ways. He wants to live little and save big.  To not take advantage of what was given to him...I respect him for this.

I am helping Crush finish a few things he started and be a bit more hands on with his own life.  He wants to be.  He does.  No one allowed him to be. But, I know his folks (who I do adore) perhaps thought he would develop differently.  Be more of a man seeing how he was groomed (prep school, great college, good masters programs)....yet, it didn't all click for Crush somehow.

Crush wants to know how to do certain things around the house, how to be better at work, how to treat clients...he isn't entitled...he is the opposite.  His sheltered life makes him seem simple sometimes. He is the most literal person I have ever met. Almost oblivious to modern life.  I doubt anyone, but me, knows how smart he really is.  I could see people thinking otherwise and how that can hurt him business-wise.

I believe that people in a good relationship bring out the best in one another.  I know Crush and I were brought together to be the greatest we can be as a team.  Crush has made me patient, even tempered, sweeter, less vulgar, and kinder.  I have learned to stop and smell the honeysuckle and enjoy a cup of coffee without text messaging.

In return, I have helped him learn some life skills, join the year 2013, offered him confidence and support.  I have taught him how most other people live.  He is different and very blessed and he never knew it, not really.

I want Crush to work towards his full potential.

Not for money.

Not for my own personal gain.

I want Crush to be fulfilled by his own interests because I know he doesn't see the greatness I see in him yet....because he was never really forced to develop on his own.

Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 1)

It's time I share a little story about why I do believe things may be working out for me.

It is also the time that some of the people that are reading and don't know me may officially conclude that I am crazy....hell, some of the people who actually know me think I am crazy....so, no worries there.

Now, I am going to tell you things that are going to blow your mind.  I know many of you may never believe me.  I wouldn't believe you if you told me the things I am going to share, but I promise you, they happened!!!!!

Here we go:

As I have shared, 2012 was the BEST and WORST year of my life all at the same time.  It was great because I met Crush, found myself, and realized that I have a food addiction that has held me back for years.  It was the terrible, because dealing with the sentence above SUCKS.......a lemon.

Here we go back to 2012 before I met Crush and started a blog....I was (and still am) living at home and every day was it's own roller coaster of emotions.  Some days, I felt on top of the world and others....well, I could barely get out of bed to use the potty.  Awful was still berating me with texts and emails off and on and that only stopped when I blocked him from my phone.....

SIDENOTE: If anyone is bugging anyone reading from moving on, block them from contacting you.  Seriously, this decision helped me mentally move on, so I was ready for Crush when he came my way.

One day in March of 2012, I was chatting with Smartie Best Friend on the phone and she told me that she had a very strong feeling that I needed to talk to a clairvoyant.  We both feel things (like our deceased grandparents) around us sometimes and she has gone to a clairvoyant a few times to help her through tough or uncertain times.  Smartie Best Friend told me something that I will always thank her for when I was hemming and hawing about going....she said, "Just go.  Stop fighting it.  If anything, it will give you hope." And hope was exactly what I needed at the time....

Smartie Best Friend had also just recently seen her clairvoyant (someone she has gone to a few times in her life and who lives in her hometown) a few months before and SBF showed her clairvoyant my photo and asked her if I would ever marry and her clairvoyant said...."Of course.  Tell her not to worry." and giggled and said it so matter of fact that it gave me the confidence to go see someone because the last thing I wanted was to be told I would never marry, like Charlotte was told in that episode of Sex and the City.

So....SBF went on Yelp and started looking up clairvoyants in my neighborhood and suggested 2 that I should call.  1 mostly, but, she had a feeling about the other one, too.  So, I listened to SBF, because it was what I knew I should do and because living at home for the rest of my life was not what I wanted.....and so I called the 2 clairvoyants, June (SBF's 2nd choice)* and DeeDee (SBF 1st choice)*, and waited nervously for weeks (both VERY busy ladies) for my appointments.....first one up was June.

I had my appointment with June one afternoon in April and she sees clients at her house.  When I entered, I immediately felt at peace....it was clean and calm, even though there was a cat there...you know how I feel about cats......oddly enough, this was the only time, a cat's presence did not bother me.

June reads your angels.  Angels are pretty much your protectors.  Everyone has a few and they act as your inner voice and conscious. My angels told June everything at the reading....little gossipers they are....they told her about my breakup with Awful, my eating issues, and my recent successes and failures with owning my own business.  June told me everything.....down to me being sent by Smartie Best Friend....it was the coolest.

June let me know that my grandfather, who I feel all the time around me, is very close to Earth and was trying to help me and was bugging my angels a bit, trying to get messages to me.  She told me that I needed to stay true to myself, to not let negative influences in (at this time, I was dealing with a lot of pressure from my mom to get online and get out there and date and I wasn't ready yet), and to get my eating under control....she suggested protein which really does work for me when I eat it.

We discussed some exercises to keep negatives out and she assured me that my angels were looking out for me and wanted me to have the best life possible.  It was all very hopeful.

The thing that resonated with me most from my session with June was that she had me close my eyes and identify my safe place....which is and always will be,  the beach.  She then described the exact scene to me.....the waves, the sand, the solitude (I see vacant beaches, not ones in Miami beach), the rocking chairs on the porch.  It was AMAZING.  She then told me, "you will be at that VERY beach in 6 months - 2 years.  You will meet someone who has a connection to that stretch of beach" and I laughed.  She assured me that I was seeing a premonition, a place of my future.  I really wrote it off, as nice as it would be and called SBF up and told her EVERYTHING including the fact that I would have a beach house....and we giggled.

Flashforward to 2013....BUT....well....Crush's folks have a beautiful beach house.  The first time Crush ever took me there, we arrived very late at night, looked at the stars, and went straight to bed.  It is in such a remote location, that at night it is EXTREMELY dark.  In the morning, when I woke up, I went to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast and OMFG.....the view was MY VISION of the beach that June saw....down to the rocking chairs.  I immediately ran out the back of the house to the beach in my nightie (it was cold and this wasn't a good idea) and started sobbing....it was all very full circle and the beach comes in more soon....so take note.....

Be back soon tomorrow with Part 2.  Trust me, the best is yet to come with this little novela.

*NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED

Changing My Ways

I have a lot to share and boy oh boy, things have been busy.

Since, I was fired by 2 clients.....oy, still haunting me, I picked up 2 new clients and in an effort to not get fired again, I have been very selective about who I am taking on, I have changed my processes in terms of task completion, and I have created formal business hours for me.....I check email from 8:00 am - 10:00 am (already caught up for the morning) and then again from 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm, Sunday - Thursday.  Of course this is only if I do not have an appointment at these times.  The general plan is 4 hours a day on my email, 2 in the morning and 2 at night.  Let's see how this works.

Lately, I have received a few very clever out of office messages from other vendors who let their clients know when they will be online checking email.  There is a part of this I SUPER respect, but I don't think my clients would appreciate it.  Email is sadly becoming a full-time job and I feel super glued to my computer, phone, and other devices often.  My goal is whenever I see Crush (I am going out tomorrow night) I unplug and in order to do this, I have to bust my behind a few days before I go to get everything set up correctly....

Yes, I am very lucky these days as I saw Crush just a few weeks ago when Little Baby was born and now I am seeing him this weekend and then in 2 weeks, I am heading back for a wedding.....!   SUPER EXCITED!

This trip coming up is VERY special for me.  I will be introducing Crush to 2 of my very best friends who are coming up and coming down with their husbands to visit the wonderful city that Crush calls home and to meet him.  Both of my besties are currently with child and this will be a baby moon of sorts as they are leaving their little ones at home for some good food, some quiet time, and a little site-seeing. Dinner and 1 special lunch reservation are set, but other than that, I want them to have time to just chill out.  I get LOTS of time to focus on me, but I know when you become a mommy, it all changes.

Their visiting means a lot to me because it takes tons effort to get together these days.  I am hoping I can carve out some time to meet both of their new additions come summer when they make their appearances, but I will be in the midst of my busiest work time and I will also be getting all set to move.....I leave September 9th and I don't think I will be back anytime soon....fingers crossed.

Last night before I fell asleep, I was thinking that this could be the last time my friends see me before I get engaged.  I know I am putting the cart before the horse here....but I know Crush is already discussing rings and timing with me....getting engaged in 2013, so we can get married in 2014.....so I do think it may be coming this year..... A girl can dream, right?!  Crush was ready to have a baby yesterday, so I do think seeing my friends with their little bumps may only speed up this process more and I can't say I am frowning about it.

I will be posting a few more times before I go, but I will be a bit quiet come Thursday-Monday when I am with besties and Crush turned off.

Hope all is well and have a great day!

R&F

Can't We ALL Just Get Along

I love other ladies.  Not in a sexual way, but I do get a deep girl crush from time to time.  I see the appeal in the fairer sex.

I am not a hater of my kind.  Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it.  Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.

One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition.  He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services.  This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths  Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.

Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality.  When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect.  You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself.  I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.

Please don't confuse this with negativity.  It is the opposite.  This is ownership.  This is pulling the veil off of life.  A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man.  Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired.  Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.

Now, time for a rant.

I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow.  Want to know why?  Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL.  You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective.  It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life.  Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.

In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me.  If you are up for it, share a few about you!

1.  I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.

2.  I have stretch marks and cellulite.  I have stretch marks on my lower tummy.  I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.

3.  I have a big vagina.  I have big labia.  I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina.  I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"

4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college.  I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year).  It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers  and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work.  A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.

5.  I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk.  He was a friend of a friend.  I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me.  I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall.  How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months).  As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me.  The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.

6.  I binge eat and have since I was 8.  My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread.  It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

7.  I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.

8.  I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to.  I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.

9.  I have an anger problem.  When I was younger, it was bad.  Temper tantrums.  Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist.  It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving.  At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering."  The rage I felt at that moment was white hot.  I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge.  This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor.  Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too.  They used to hit my Sissy and me.  The way to end a fight in my home is to break something.  Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.

10.  If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian.  I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit.  Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.

AND DISCUSS.....

Opera Man

Do you remember Opera Man on Saturday Night Live? (Sheesh......Lorne Michaels, share your SNL clips!).

Adam Sandler sang the news in a goofy childlike way without finishing his words fully and everyone loved it, including me.

I love me some Adam Sandler, but not as much as Andy Samberg.  But, aren't they the same (yummy, hilarious, singing men...so ugly they are HOT) just Adam is 1.0 and Andy is 2.0?

Yup, that is what I thought.....

So, a few weeks ago when Crush was up visiting Sissy and company, Crush and I took Big Baby out for the day.  The three of us had lunch, ice cream, went to the park (Big Baby LOVES the swings), and then an indoor jungle gym of sorts which had really random stuff like light tag and a moon jump.  I think I had more fun than Crush and BB did....I am young at heart.

This was the first time Crush was with BB without my mom or Sissy and he was somewhat in awe of my babysitting skills.  He asked me: "How do you know how to get BB in and out of the car seat? How do you know how to cut BB's food up like that?  How do you know all of those kid's songs?  How to you know how to change a diaper?  How do you know how to play like that?"

It was very cute.

My answer was: "Because it isn't that hard.  I use common sense.  I am not scared of little ones.  I was a camp counselor.  I was a nanny.  I had regular babysitting jobs (one of my former babies is now 17 and is one of my best friends and will be in my wedding one day, Crush has met her).  I was a lifeguard.  I taught swim lessons.  I have younger cousins.  I took acting classes.  I like being silly.  My mom is the baby whisperer and handles a doodie diaper and a crying child like no one's business (half of the reason why BB's nightly scream order is, "Mommy!, Nanny! (my mom), Daddy!,  Elmo! (too cute for words)."

Crush and I have had different lives and pasts.  Some would consider my life charmed (I grew up wanted, my parents are still married, my dad paid for my college and will pay for my wedding....I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM!), but I always had a job.  From the time I was 12 and watched the 17 year old's I mentioned above, older sissy, I have worked.  I had after school jobs, weekend jobs, and summer jobs.  From 7th grade until now, work has simply been a part of my life and because of work, I have learned how to do many things I wouldn't have otherwise, like how to clean vomit out of a urinal (waitressing at a bar), how to wash towels  (manager at a pool), and how to change and bathe a baby after they have had a total diaper blowout (babysitting).

Crush had never worked before his adult job now.  He grew up with full-time help.  Live in maids and then separate people who cooked.  He went to prep school for high school and left him home truly at 15.  His family is wealthier than mine, but you would NEVER know it by meeting Crush.  He is frugal.  With a capital F.

His lack of spending, doesn't bother me because I would rather leave something for my future family than waste every penny on mindless things now....but, sometimes I wonder....how did you get to be in your 30's without knowing how to cook, clean, or even tip (I once caught him leaving $3.00 on a $50.00 check WHERE we experienced great food and fantastic service)?

The reality is that no one taught him and he never learned from experience.

Unlike me, he never worked at a restaurant and learned that you make money from tips and tips alone for the most part....(he thought servers got paid well hourly...?).   Our pasts are different.

Yet, I don't speak a second language like Crush does.  I also don't know how to play the bass, acoustic guitar, or piano like my love.  And let's not forget that I have no idea how to save, play the stock market, or how to invest.  We really do balance each other out.  We both bring equal experience and knowledge into our common bond. It is really neat.

While Crush and I were playing with BB, he kept talking like Opera Man (well, Opera's Man's one eyed cousin).  It was slightly terrifying BB.  As BB climbed into my arms for safety, Crush caught wind of the diss.

He asked me, "Does BB not like me?"

I replied, "BB loves you.  The thing is, kids are like dogs.  They sense things.  BB can probably just tell that you don't know how to do the same things I know how to do yet, but when you show BB you can do them, then you will see, BB will come around.  Maybe stop talking like Opera Man to start and just speak in your normal voice.  Baby voices are cute and fun sometimes, but kids respond well to adult voices, too."

As the afternoon wore on, I showed Crush how to change a diaper, how to warm BB's milk cup, how to put BB in the car seat, and how to get on BB's coat, hat, and mittens.  By the time we got home, Crush and BB held hands as he took BB inside.  It was real sweet.  My Sissy was VERY impressed.  It takes a lot for BB to warm up to people, especially to men as BB is around ladies most of the time.

It showed me that everything is teachable and everything can be learned.

 You just need 2 willing parties.

Out to Lunch

I was just between appointments and stopped for lunch.  I was in an area that has a lot of restaurants and I saw a sushi joint that looked yummy and I popped in.  Typically, I opt for solo lunches at Panera- type places as many people are alone working and I feel better being alone in a place where other people are alone.  But, this place was actually a bit swanky with a really great lunch special and since my skin is looking too good to eat wheat....I thought, why not treat myself for a quick nice sushi lunch?

After I got seated by the hostess, I looked around and realized that I was the only solo patron.  This would be a good little challenge for me.  I also didn't want to eat at the bar or stuff my head into a book or my laptop (especially because since after my unfortunate laptop spill.....if I am eating or drinking without a lid, laptop needs to stay hidden).  So, I actually just sat in the restaurant and waited for my food and looked around and daydreamed and imagined what I would be doing in one year and I smiled.

I may have been knocked down a bit these last few months by clients, but I haven't stood my ground either.

I need to set better parameters, I need to accept realistic challenges, but not impossible ones, I need to take some time out EVERY day for me.

My life is good.  I have a great family, fantastic friends, and the ability to eat $15.00 sushi for lunch in peace.

Then I thought to myself.....why only day dream about next year?  Why not day dream about tomorrow or next month or the summer?  I am going to stop living for tomorrow and really focus in on today.

One year ago,  I would have never had the confidence to take myself to lunch at a nice restaurant.

And today, well, it wasn't a big deal at all.

Be Back Tomorrow and BEST FORTUNE EVER!

I will be back tomorrow with updates and some big life lessons.....it has been an incredible week.

I will post in detail here soon, but here are some things I just had to share....

Sissy and babies love Crush.....we had the BEST time.  It all felt SO natural.  The kind of feeling I have always wanted from a romantic relationship.......it is the best peace.  I don't take it for granted.  Also, bro-in-law and I have found beautiful new ground and really bonded.  He loved Crush as well and told me that I deserved a guy as good as him and it brought tears to my eyes.  I am blessed.

Over the moon that I am seeing 2 of my besties for a long weekend in Crushie's hometown in less than a month....eeeeekkkkkkk........just cannot wait to connect them to my love....it has been the missing piece in this real life fairy tale.  The friends factor isn't at all about approval with Crush (it always was before him because I never lived for me until this past year), it is just about sharing this huge important part of my life organically and openly with some people I don't see enough, but cannot imagine life without.....they also both have awesome hubbies and it will be incredible to bring my man into the mix.

Oy, so many business lessons to share here soon.....I have learned my final big ones lately and I feel again at peace....ready to kick it into to high gear and contemplating a MAJOR career change.  I am different than many, but I do have some really special qualities and being a real hard-ass isn't one of them......still thinking, but will share soon.

At supper tonight, we had Chinese and I am still not eating wheat (skin is looking so awesome lately) so Crush ate my cookie (not that one, perverts...), but my fortune read:

DO NOT BE TOO TIMID AND SQUEAMISH ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS.  ALL LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT.

It was exactly the business advice I needed to know that I did the right thing....my life is really kismet at this moment in time and it is incredible that I am finally at this place......quiet in my mind.

Sweet dreams!

XOXO (watched some GG reruns this week),

R & F

I'll Be Back Soon!

Hi All!

Exciting news! Sissy is just about to have her baby!  I am hopping on a plane bright and early tomorrow, they expect the brand-new little one sometime tomorrow afternoon.  I hope I make this one's arrival as I just missed her first baby joining us by mere hours....crazy ex-coworker drama....

I am heading east to help Sis with her existing baby, now almost known as, Big Baby, who is just about 2 and a half and an utter delight and handful all at the same time.  Big Baby is twins with the pig in the book 'If You Give a Pig a Pancake'.....very very busy.

I may be a bit MIA here, but I will be back with a full report on everything and anything in a few days and oh yes, Crush is heading up to meet Sissy and the gang in honor of Little Baby's arrival.   Sissy is just over the moon with excitement at the opportunity.  She told me today, "I am so excited to have this baby, so I can meet your boyfriend....hahahahaha!"

I am pumped for all of them to meet and to see Crush in action with both Big Baby and Little Baby.  He admitted that he has never held a newborn or ever changed a diaper, so I plan to put him to work and teach him how to deal with doodie diapers....especially Big Baby's as they are quite impressive in nature, generally.  I want to see how he handles a total blowout.

Also, my mom taught Big Baby how to say his name, so we plan to surprise him with the new trick, I think he will get a kick out of it!  Of course, Big Baby never does anything on demand, so it may not happen....very stubborn baby, just like I was once many many many years ago (and still today!)...

I will return soon and I hope everyone is wrapping up a wonderful weekend!

Best,

R&F

Fix Me

In light of my week this week, I made a little list of personal things I must work on.  Transitions have always been hard for me.  I need a bit of chaos in my life for some reason, it is how I get things done.  It is truly silly and it is affecting both my mental health and my relationship now that I have such an even keel and sane significant other.  Here we go:

1.  DO NOT PICK FIGHTS WITH CRUSH.  This will be tough for me, but anything big, dramatic, emotional or petty needs to be slept on before it is discussed over the phone.  I sometimes talk JUST to hear my own voice.  True true.

2.  Do what I say I am going to do.  I have been struggling with this.  I over promise and under deliver. I like a little conflict.  WHY?  There is no reason.  I really need to work on this.

3.  I need to continue to avoid wheat and not slip on this.  The psoriasis is about 75 percent improved.  This is huge for me.  I haven't had my skin this under control in over 5 years.  It is such a feeling of hope, I need to stick with it and remember how this feels.  The psoriasis depresses me.  I cannot control it, so I feel super out of control about it.

4. I need to get out of bed everyday, dressed everyday, and go do something out of the house everyday, even if it is just the gym.  For the last few weeks, I have found myself in a state of holding.  I am going through the motions, but not living.  I work from home, so I can do this....and it isn't good.  One day I will NEED to have an office, I cannot handle not reporting in somewhere.  Every few months this happens to me.  I know it is my depression and anxiety rearing it's head again, but lately the lows have been lower.  I am thinking that my new birth control may be altering my moods.  I feel a bit out of control emotionally and the real lows began when I went back on birth control in October.

5.  I need to be a better friend, sister, and aunt.  I worry so much about my business and tying up loose ends and being available to Crush, that I have slipped a bit.  Also, Crush and I both work for ourselves and talk and email too much throughout the day.  I sometimes feel ambushed by his correspondence.  I asked him nicely earlier this week if we could limit the 9am - 6pm chat, so I can focus on my clients, appointments, and errands for work and he understood and agreed.  Just that alone has helped me feel a bit less stressed, so I am glad I addressed it.  Love him dearly I do, but I can't chat and work at the same time, I make mistakes and then can't give anything I am doing my full attention.

THANK YOU for your wonderful advice btw, I am feeling a lot more grounded since I shared.

Happy Friday to all, going to hit the candy sales soon!

Good Old Boy

I am dating a good ol' boy.  There is no way around this.  He is the text book definition according to Wiki.....

"The term can be used for well socialized white men who live in rural and generally Southern areas. If a man is humble and well thought of, he can be referred to as a "good old boy", regardless of his age. It is commonly applied to men with a family or generational wealth or prestige, or overall moral behavior."

I always wanted a man like this.  Some of my friends have married them and they make the BEST husbands and fathers.  I know this is the man for me....

BUT, well, but, lately I have been coming to terms with the fact that a LONG chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning.  I am okay with this.  Happy, excited, motivated.  I am just afraid.  I don't want to sit here and paint a picture that doesn't exist.  I have been a bit depressed lately.  Everything that I ever wanted is happening and I am walking around like a zombie.  It is like, "now what?"  So much of my identity was tied to being single, or being in a dysfunctional relationship.  I lived for my mistakes.  My OMGs, my WHY ME'S, my tears over wine and cheese, my hateful relationship with my own body and my own vagina.  Now that I don't have all of these defaults, now I can't really function well.  These were my distractions, my walls.  Without them, I don't feel as free as I wanted to.  I feel vulnerable.  Naked.  Alone.  

I picked a big fight with Crush the other day.  I mentioned it briefly in a blog entry.  What I didn't mention is that the words "well maybe we shouldn't be together anymore" fell out of my mouth.  I have no idea why.  Those are real words, fighting words.  The venom spewed out of me.

 We had been fighting a lot.  Much of it has to do with family things that are none of my business.  As the good ol' boy he is, he stays out and stays respectful and I should, too.  I appreciate all of your wonderful comments btw, I love advice and take it seriously and to heart. 

Sometimes I feel like a grownup compared to Crush...which is silly.  He is so pure.  He has never puked from drinking too much (he drinks though, just NOT like I used to), he has never done drugs, he has never had a one night stand that ended in sex.  He has never picked a fight with a stranger in Walgreen's, been flashed on a public bus, or had someone pee on their coat on the train (ALL OF THESE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME).  Our lives and life experiences are different and that is good.  I dated the guy with a major drug problem (Socio), I dated the guy with a real love for booze (Awful)....I dated many others that had substance abuse issues as well and it never worked.  Why should I even question why Crush is a better fit for me....duh. We are simply different.  But, the differences are balancing out, like a seesaw, we are simply finding our rhythm. 

He can play several instruments well.  I can't.  He sits on the boards of several charities and organizations.  I don't.  He knows how to speak another language.  Not me.  He recites poetry, movie quotes, and passages from books.  He wins here, too.

I know what is happening.  I fear success.  I do.  I have not felt like I really deserved love until lately and then I met Crush.  Now, real things are happening.  Major things....friends meetings (so excited for this!), parents meeting, we are attending each other's significant family events (I will be his date to a wedding and he is coming to meet my Sissy's new baby who is due to hatch any day now)....this isn't just a man, this is my future.  I still deserve this.  I don't know why I am so scared.

I can't let the comfort of being a victim take over here.  I used to love lies, WHYS, and excuses.  I am not that person anymore, but the last threads are still unraveling here.  I can still feel my default issues inside of me even if they aren't my go-to coping mechanisms.

I am going back to therapy.  

Valentine's Day GO AWAY

I am a hopeless romantic.

I love dancing under the stars (and With the Stars, too!), making love on the beach, and 1 milkshake, 2 straws.

I love day dreaming about my engagement ring, wedding dress, and honeymoon from time to time....(IT IS TRUE, I DON'T LIE HERE)....

I love holding hands over a candlelight meal, snuggling in front of the fire, and reading stories aloud to my Crush.

I AM A SAP.

I have a Valentine this year and I didn't even send him a card....OMG, I know, I know, I put it in the mail today....

The thing is this, minus my little breakdowns and freak outs, Crush really makes me feel the way NONE of my other boyfriends ever did: safe, secure, protected, and important.

In the past, I have only had a Valentine on 3 V-Days.  1 was spent with Socio and 2 were spent with Awful...

Socio got me cheap chocolate and a card that he didn't sign (probably because he got his other girl the same thing and didn't want to risk a switch...) and we ate pizza and drank vodka in front of his television.  How romantic.

Awful bought me expensive gifts that were never anything I wanted or liked on our Vdays together.  He also bought me a kind of flower I HATED, but I never corrected him because I felt bad....... One day, I found his wedding video while I was snooping.  I watched it and noticed that his wedding was full of the flowers he always bought me. Ah yes, his ex-wife LOVED these flowers, so he assumed I would, too....I don't, but it is the thought that counts, right?!

The point I am trying to make is this.....having a Valentine isn't all it is cracked up to be if he isn't your real deal.  I always looked forward to V-Day with my exes because I wanted something from them that they couldn't give me.  I needed Valentine's Day to prove that the man I was with loved me, adored me, and found me sexy.  I felt February 14th was the barometer of the relationship.....the holy grail, the test.

It wasn't.  It never will be.

Valentine's Day is just another day.  The only real benefit is the cheap candy on the 15th!

This year, I am not seeing Crush for the Big V.  He is going out of town for a special trip with some gents and I am hanging out with the family.  Did he send me a card and gift?  Yes.  Do I expect flowers tomorrow?  I do.  BUT.........for real, NONE of it matters, because he treats me well all 365 days out of the year, not just when Hallmark tells him he should.

I actually told him to save it, the V-Day gestures.  As a proper gent, I know he couldn't ignore the holiday, his momma wouldn't allow him to.  I don't need to be showered with roses and chocolate this year because these are things and not feelings.  Feelings make me feel, not things.  One exception, an engagement ring....yes, I will admit that, too...oy.  My left hand has been yearning for some shimmer since I was 4 and would put my mom's ring on while she was in the shower.....

If anyone is sad about Vday and is reading this, let me tell you about MY FAVORITE VALENTINE'S DAY EVER......

It was when I was living alone before I started dating Awful and way after Socio.   I was working out, looking good, and feeling great.  I went and bought myself VERY beautiful lingerie, ordered in my favorite pizza, chilled a bottle of wine I love, froze my beloved Dots, and had a Real Housewives of Somewhere marathon with myself....while I wore a teddy, high heels, a pearl necklace (like a real one.... if anyone reading is a pervert), and fully done hair and makeup.  After I drank the bottle of wine, I put on my favorite CD and danced in front of the mirror in my sexy get up and I admired my arms and legs and lips and tush and hair and collarbone....ALL OF ME.

As cheesy as it sounds (because I never said I wasn't cheesy), I knew in the back of my mind, there could be a Valentine some year, some time, and I would have to buy an obligatory card and tie to acknowledge the day.... BUT this particular year, I was having the BEST V-Day just loving myself.

Anyone feeling blue, ask yourself to be your Valentine.....buy some new red lipstick (Nars Heatwave), but on your best silk and heels, and spend the night in being fierce with the best heart you know, YOUR OWN.

XOXOXO!

Family Matters

Didn't you just love Family Matters with Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel? My favorite thing was when nerdy Steve would turn into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle (who was Steve Urkel without the nerd glasses, hitched up pants, and suspenders), and woo Laura Winslow.....my Nana and I used to just lap that guy up.....SWOON. TGIF on ABC forever.  Yes, that includes Dinosaurs, Step by Step, and Full House.  Man I miss my Nana, she would watch with me and we would babysit each other every Friday from 7-9 pm while we ate lo main.....I would seriously give up 6 months of my life to get to live one of those TGIFs in with my Nana now at age 31 and not age 8...didn't appreciate enough when I could.

I digress......I am doing it again.  The ME.  The Ready and Fading Signature Move.  Let me introduce....the one, the only.....LE MELTDOWN.

Ah, yes, we are here.

The time when I realize that I am transitioning from one life experience to another and I freeze up, get rigid, get afraid, and self sabotage.

It happens when the scale is going down.....one day, I will wake up, give up, and eat that chocolate and ice cream I love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Or, I will promise something to a client and then cut it right to the deadline second because I am watching the Wendy Williams show.  Perhaps, I will get ready to go out for a night on the town and start thinking about Awful and then I will put my pjs back on and get back into bed with some Fritos because ditching plans is better than the .0000000005 percent chance that Awful will be eating tapas at the same restaurant I am going to on a busy Saturday night in a major city.

When I am ready to succeed, I let myself almost fail.  It is this really BAD habit and I know I can't always help it.  The rush of adrenaline I get from the ice cream binge, the last second success, or the doing what I need to do to protect me....it is something I can't stop doing. WHY?

Anxiety is not fun. 

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  This is new for us.  This is real.  I HATE it.

Most of the animosity is coming from miscommunication.  I was raised to talk about doodie (poops), sissy (pee), and fertzies (farts) and to be free and natural and open.  Maybe too open.  I mean, I like to feel it all...the sad, the bad, the mad, the she didn't even know what she had......  Crush, he is FORMAL.  Pent up, really (everywhere, but in the bed).  He is forced with his social interactions to the point of being socially awkward, sometimes.  Everything just feels so SCRIPTED unless it is just us two together or we are out with my family.  I am not enjoying this. I like real.  I like raw.  I like fresh.

I accused Crush of having some processing and emotional issues.  I do think that he has coping mechanisms in place to deal with his family and I probably have no idea what is really going on. They are lovely and kind and welcoming and accepting, but they are NOT my family.  They don't bite the tushies of babies and eat ice cream all together in one bed and have breath wars (Honey Boo Boo's family stole this game from mine), well, because they are not disgusting like my little bunch.  But with the formality comes a bit of coolness and I am such a warm blooded little lap doggie.  I attract the loons and the loneliest because of this.

Crush doesn't let anyone in, but me.  Yes, me.  Chosen I am.  I guess this is how it should be.  He cries to me, he shows me his hand, but he is still loyal to his family way as he should be.  When he gets around his own family he turns into a mute who can't speak up, act like a man, or hold eye contact.  With my family, he is totally (well... he is still a total clumsy clod) fine and fun and light and open.


OF COURSE, upon talking to a special bestie today, she gave me the BEST advice and told me to STAY out of it, WAY out of it.  She is happily married and knows that the easiest way to coexist and not get smothered is to stay out, but stay respectful and I know this is EXACTLY what I need to do....it's just that I live so heavy with my heart that I can never not give 110 percent, but I am going to try to be a bit more reserved this time around, I do think it will help me in the long run.

I want to be with a man who is a gentleman, but then I am super hard on Crush to loosen up.  How is this fair?  I am giving mixed messages to a man who is already a bit emotionally mixed up.  Not good, not good.  I want my little place with my Crush.  I need it.  And yet, I know his family comes with it and they are awesome, don't get me wrong, but they aren't my family and maybe this is where my anger and hostility are coming from....I am moving to be with him, to his state, and I will be close to his family and I am scared.....I will miss mine so much, it will be a hard time transitioning.

I said it.

I am terrified.

Because I never met a transition that didn't flip me out, fatten me up, and knock me flat on my bottom.

Let us all hope that this one will finally be different.