Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Why Do I Overeat?

I was texting with one of my BFFs this morning about overeating and tracking and it made me think...why do I binge or even just overeat?  It is rarely, if ever, because I am hungry, we all know this....lately it has been because:

1.  I am procrastinating about work that needs to be done.

2.  I am nervous because my life is transitioning again, aka, the Crush.  I don't deal with transitions well or smoothly ever.  I am trying to be more conscious this time.

3.  I am bored and stuck at home.  Cabin fever.

4.  I am self-sabotaging.  I do this every ten pounds or so I lose.  I get cocky.  It is such a catch-22.

5.  I have a fuck it day and eat chocolate for breakfast and then give up.

6.  I don't track.

7.  I wait too long to eat and then I get too hungry to control myself.

8.  I try to quell my anxiety and inner thoughts by crunching.....always chips or crackers.

9.  I didn't sleep well, so instead of taking a nap, I munch.  I need to just take a nap.

10.  I didn't work out.  On the days I workout, I subconsciously tend to eat better.

Good news, there are solutions, easy ones actually, for these, now I am going to reread my list and work on it!

Back on Track?

Happy Halloween!  I am also still thinking about everyone devastated by Sandy. Sissy is going over to her friend's house who just got power.  She will get to give baby a bath, so that is good.

Today, the goal is to track everything.  That's all.  Track every bite.  Vacation derailed me a bit, but I am not going to let one week off turn into another year depressed about my weight.  Time to turn the crazy train around.

Now, off to have coffee and measure my cream and sugar!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Up and Other Thoughts

I gained 3 pounds since last week.  It's okay.  Tracking is the magic for me.  I know this and yet I fight it.  When I track I lose.  My mind plays tricks on me otherwise.  I know what I have to do.  I am motivated to do it.  To get this under control for ME.  Not for my family, not for Crush.  Baby steps, baby steps.

I didn't binge yesterday.....but, I ate 3 pieces of pizza.  Big pieces.  They were scrumptious.  And I was hungry.  It was really my meal of the day in between appointments, emails, and errands.  It was weird, me versus pizza, because every bite was so yummy and controlled.  I took breaks in between pieces and still went for more.  I am trying to focus on my need to eat.  Hunger?  Anxiety? Sadness? Procrastination?  Cockiness (when people tell me I look skinny, I eat.....mind games!)?......Yesterday, I was just hungry.  I can't beat myself up for it even though I know better choices could have been made and I let myself get way too hungry.  I made a mental note and I have moved on.

Now, enough about me and my food issues.

I am so lucky that I have power, my refrigerator works, my gym is open, I can drive my car, I just took a steaming hot shower.  My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people on the East Coast and Caribbean who have been hit by Hurricane Sandy.  I wish you a quick recovery and I sympathize with your epic losses, I cannot imagine the devastation.  My sister is right in the area and says it is simply unlike anything she has ever seen.  Her hubby had to go to work (he works in a service type position) and she is home safe with the baby.  They have enough food for a while, she was smart to prepare.

I think about everyone who is suffering, the good people who lost loved ones, who no longer have a place to go, or a car to drive.  In a time of tragedy, I realize how self obsessed and silly I am sometimes.  It's just pizza....right?!  Like my mom says sometimes..."GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!!!"

Life changes quickly.  People who were safe and warm in homes a few days ago are now homeless.  Walls, floors, and memories washed away.  Like I always say, so much can change so quickly. BE STRONG.  I wish everyone suffering the best.  It will get better, it always does. So sorry you must live through this.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Binge Free: Week 4 Recap

I didn't really count calories this week.  I didn't binge either.  I plan to weigh myself this week.  I feel like I could be up a few.  I seem a bit fluffy (chubby).  I have no idea.  Today, I really don't care.  I am back to tracking.

As for eating last week, well, I was on vacation, but I only ate while I was hungry, progress.  Crush has a really normal relationship with food.  It is awesome.  I need that in my life.  He eats when he is hungry, he stops when he is full.  Novel idea.  I know.  Novel.

Awful had food issues like me.  We brought out the worst in each other in every way.  Awful couldn't stop eating things he liked, which were mostly unhealthy things...bags of chips, pizzas, bad for me to be around that.  I PACKED on the pounds.  Very quickly I did.  I would ask him to not bring my trigger foods into the house and he always did.  Secretly, I think he liked me a bit bigger as he was a very jealous person, he didn't like when men looked at me.

I do feel like the eating issues are naturally untangling themselves now that I have accepted the fact that I have a huge problem....the knots are starting to loosen up. We will see.  We will see.

One Year Later and I'm Back!

I'm back.

My trip was grand.  Sweet, sensual, emotional, new.  I have never felt this way before.  It is awesome.

I am not a perfect person.  I am the first to call myself out here.  I was always a bit broken, a bit empty, a bit confused.  I liked to blame others, to feel anger, to express my rage, to wail that "life is so unfair!"  I still feel this way sometimes, I am only a person.

I took a risk this year.  The Crush says that I was brave.  I like that.  I was brave.  I walked away from a situation with Awful that just wasn't working.  He really didn't love me, but it was comfortable.  With Awful, I got to live a fancy life, have pish-posh possessions, go to expensive restaurants, visit summer homes, take trips....but, but, well.....oy, it was so empty.  I would rather cuddle in a box with Crush than spend 1 hour in a mansion with Awful.  Life can change so fast.  Never forget that.

Today marks one year since I walked out of my life with Awful.  One year since I called up my parents sobbing at the ripe old age of 30 and begged to be rescued.  One year since I fled the empty promises and decided to start the best life for ME.  How humbling it has been.  Broke, alone, in my childhood bed, scared, failing I felt, but at the same time learning.  Feeling the lowest of low.  Letting myself be sad.  Not lying about my situation.  Not sugarcoating my reality...."yes, things suck right now, but they won't forever."  Even in my darkest hours, I knew something better had to come.  The light had to break through the clouds.  It couldn't get worse, it could only get better. I hit rock bottom.  I hit it so hard, I almost knocked my front teeth out.

A few months into my personal transformation, the anger subsided, the "how could he do this to me" left my heart, and I started to stand up a little straighter again, I started to rest, I started to stop the cycle of eating my feelings to calm my emotions.  I started to change.  I started to quite frankly chill the fuck out.

So, now I am here.  One year later.  Life is the best it has been in a long time.  All of a sudden, I am at peace. I love my family.  I love my friends.  I am genuinely elated for their happy and broken for their sad.  I am not faking it.  I am not the green-eyed monster.  I am just living life for me and for others, but there is a new balance.

On the second night of Crush and my vacation, he told me that he "felt like he was being rewarded by meeting me because he has always been a good person at the heart of things."  Yes, he is a person and a man no less, he's far from perfect, screw perfect, it doesn't exist.  He has done dumb shit, but he has owned it....just like me.  He said that he knows the "good is coming for us because we did the work internally to bring it to us."  I SO believe this.  Karma.  Basic balance.  Apologize when needed, admit fault when you are wrong, learn from the mistakes and try not to make them again.  Be conscious, be present, be open to change.

So, what is next?  Well, I will be meeting his family in a few weeks and then we will see.  I am pretty confidant about us, but I do not want to jinx it.  Hopefully, this is it, but if it isn't, well, then the real deal is coming for me.  Why?  Because I AM FINALLY READY!  My heart is ready.  I am open and accepting of love, so I know it can come and find me. I am simply enjoying just getting to know Crush better.  Everything about him.  We have a ton in common, yes, but we are 2 very different people, too.

Our love story has the makings of a modern fairy tale or an urban legend if it all works out.  But, if it doesn't, that's okay, too. I let myself feel and for me, that is the best accomplishment of all!

And if you care and are open to TMI.....the sex was FABULOUS.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Ready and Waiting.....

In the airport!!!!!

Oy!  I am nervous.  Feeling like I may toss my cookies bagel.  Off to see sweet Crush and I am feeling really really really anxious, but also excited.  I don't have too many expectations other than that I will have fun.  I haven't slept for days.  I think 3 now.  Every night I toss and turn, thinking about what this little trip will feel like.  I just have a feeling, it will be pretty grand, I promise to recap it when I return.  I am about to board a plane, wish me luck.  I have bags under my eyes.  I packed my entire closet.  I am contemplating putting on glasses to hide my tired eyes (like glasses glasses, not sun glasses....)....

I also got a manicure yesterday and promptly tried to make it even better than it twas good before I messed with it and put old top coat on it which made the polish bubble and now my nails that looked great, look like crazy terrible and it's driving me bananas because you know nails are this little thing that suck when they get messed up when you actually try to make them look better...champagne problems people....champagne problems.

Happy week and be back soon!

Binge Free: Week 3 Recap

This was not a good week.  It was way better than any week I had before I was being conscious, so it was a personal success nonetheless even though I binged on 2 separate occasions.  Food fell into the mouth quickly and in moments of half consciousness, but I was able to pull back both times without too much damage.  As I say, baby steps all the way.  One little one at a goal for this week is to just enjoy myself.  Seriously.  I am going to see my Crush this very afternoon for a little rendezvous and will be be enjoying a little private pow-wow for a few days.  Wish me luck.  Wish ALL of me luck.  VERY excited I am!  If some indulgences happen, so is life.  I am ready to live in the moment and embrace the possibility of a really unforgettable time.  Fingers crossed.  When I return, back to tracking like I have been.  Balance people, balance.  

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Soundtrack of My Life

I have always loved music.

I can remember being a very little girl and being excited to take car rides, so I could listen to the radio.

My parents had a record player and my sister, mom, and I would dance to her old records from college: James Taylor, Carly Simon, the Beatles.

Much of the bond I had with my best friends in college was because we all loved music.  Especially live music, we would go to concerts all the time.  These same friends are still my best ones and we still exchange bands, some of my favorite groups became my favorite because of shows I saw with them over the years.

The Crush LOVES music even more than I do.  We do this thing where we send each other bands and songs back and forth via email and I love it.  This is exactly the kind of game that I like to play with someone.  I sent him a few CDs last week and asked him to pick out what songs he thought were my favorite and he totally guessed right.  He even took it a step further and was able to pick out my favorite lyrics from each song, I was beyond impressed.

He will send me songs with the email heading "A Song I Thought You Would Like" and he has been dead on.  If you know me well enough, you know I am a sucker for great guitar, piano, some harmonica, and a soulful it isn't that hard to send me things that I want to listen to, once you know my taste.

Music for me has always been an emotional connector.  I was a late bloomer.  I have always been a true romantic.  When I was younger, I wanted to feel the things music expressed.  The happiness, the sadness, the yearning, the pain, the love.  I wanted to feel it all and now, finally, in the last few years, I feel like I have.  I have had my heart broken, I have broken someone else's.  I have been disappointed and I have also been triumphant.

I have been sitting on a few things that I don't feel like dealing with, but I feel ready to face things now.

I listened to some of my favorite songs last night and I found the strength to wrap up a few things.  It's only life and I know I can get through this uncomfortableness. It is my goal to send a much needed email to a former client and make right about what I deserve because I did nothing wrong.  Oy.  Good luck to me.

Friday, October 19, 2012

30 Things I Came to Realize After I Turned 30

1.  No one will love you unless you love yourself first.

2.  Clothes look better when they fit, regardless of what size they are.  A tag is on the inside, it doesn't define you.

3.  Invest in a few great blazers in different colors.  They will structure every outfit, conceal areas that may not be up for the exposure, and they are always in fashion.

4.  Clarisonic brushes do work.  Once a day, delicate brush.  Moisturize with argon oil afterwards.

5.  Sunscreen on the face everyday.  Even when it's cloudy.  Even when it's snowing.

6.  Sometimes the best company is found in solitude.

7.  Distance shouldn't define relationships.  Some of the people I love the most live far away.  Technology is a great thing sometimes.

8.  Kindles are great, but the feel of a book, the smell of a book, nothing can really replace that.

9.  Sometimes the music you really love still sounds the same 16 years later.  Sometimes it is great to get those old dusty CDs out and see if they still inspire you.  You will see how much you have changed and also how little you have, too.

10.  Email is a full time job.  It involves commitment.

11.  Eating right and exercise is about balance.  You have to treat it as a daily effort, but not a daily obsession.  Nothing that is so black and white will ever be sustainable.

12.  The work you put in will not always equal the product you get out.  This is okay.  Once in a while, we all fail.  Failure is an experience to learn something new.

13.  Every woman should have the following standard items in her closet: 1 wrap dress, 1 pair of heels that are comfortable and closed toe, 1 clean crisp white button down shirt, 1 blazer that hits past the hips, 1 pair of dark jeans that create no muffin top, and a few printed silk tunics.....I swear, your life will change.  You can go anywhere in minutes.

14.  There is power in being ready in less than 20 minutes straight from the shower.  It took me 10 years to learn a good routine for me.  Wet hair gets a little Moroccan oil, sunscreen and argon oil on the face, followed by Armani foundation (life changing!), Nars Orgasm blush (believe the hype!), Loreal Voluminous Mascara, and a pat of Nars Heatwave lipstick.  Done and done. I love beauty products and will make a big list of my favorites coming soon!

15.  Family is priceless.  If you have a great one, you are lucky.  It is a privilege, not a right.

16.  Say sorry.  Admit fault when needed.  Let the grudges go.  Close doors.  New ones will open.

17.  When your friends have children, they will change.  They will become someone's mommy.  This is beautiful.  The friendship you have before will always be there.  The way they love their children is very much the same as the way they have always loved you.

18.  Men who love children and think they are awesome are the sweetest.  Sharing baby photos with a guy and getting a genuine reaction...priceless.

19.  Everyone has a past.  It is what they learned from their past that defines their future.

20.  I am better without booze.  Once in a while is great, all the time is dark.

21.  Appreciation and genuine thank you's are worth sleepless nights, driving 300 miles on no sleep, and crying fits.  There is always a solution.

22.  The race isn't won at 30.  It isn't won at 40 or 50 or 60 or 70.  People always change.  People always learn.  Life is unpredictable.

23.  If someone Awful tells you that you will never succeed, prove him wrong.  Not through words, through actions.

24.  No one knows what happens behind closed doors.

25.  It's okay to admit that you are sad.  It is the first step to finding happiness.

26.  Sleep is necessary for success.

27.  Ice cream and chocolate are not the enemy.  They are just not someone I should invite into my social circle on a regular basis.

28.  Don't expect too much and you will never be disappointed.

29.  Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

30.  One days things may just be better, but it takes a lot of bad days to get there.  Nothing instant is real.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Nervous Eating

I am super nervous about my little trip.  In an effort to quell my nerves, I am eating my feelings.  Like, just now for instance, I decided to have a late lunch and somehow ate 1,300 calories in about 15 minutes.  It was a binge.  I will admit.  It wasn't premeditated and it happened rather frantically, so now I am writing about it.

WHY did that just happen?  Let me see...most likely because I am confidant because I am in smaller clothes, people have started to comment on my progress, I have work to do that I don't feel like doing, and Crush and me continue to talk about all the fun stuff we are going to do together...Monday cannot come soon enough!  I just did a little backslide.  Three steps forward, one step back.

In terms of my calories for the day, I am still under 2,000, so just fine.  I am so glad that I just recorded my intake as I was going to eat some more before I took a break to access the damage...I was able to stop.  This is a big deal for me.  In the past, I could never stop until I seriously felt like I was going to be sick.

So, what happens now?


I am going to have a normal dinner if I am hungry.  I am going to the gym later.  I am going to catch up on work. I am not going to let this little set back derail me.

I get how the binging is a result of emotional anguish and not hunger.  I am feeling nervous about seeing Crush and the potential of intimacy, BUT, I am more excited and really really eager if anything.

Food is not going to solve distance, insecurity, uneasiness, or impatience.

I do feel some resolution coming day at a time.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I am very excited.  I will be spending some time with Crush in just a few days.  The anticipation is killing me.  It is a very slow burn, I can't function and there is so much to do.  Going to write this and get on my work, it is time.

I remember when Awful would go away, I would be secretly relieved.  I would get the house to myself, I wouldn't be bothered every five seconds, questioned about what I was doing, what I was watching, what I was eating.....I remember being sad when the day would come that Awful would return from his trip, I would get a sinking feeling that I would have to tolerate him in my space again....

Last night when Crush and I were chatting and discussing our upcoming trip, he said, I am really excited to spend time with you uninterrupted, but I am going to be sad when the trip is over and we still won't be living in the same city.  I just know how much I am going to yearn for your company.

I couldn't fall asleep last night and kept rolling this statement around in my mind.  I NEVER wanted to talk to Awful, like I really couldn't stand his company one on one.  In just a few weeks, I know more about my sweet Crush than I ever did about Awful.  Why you may ask?  It is because I actually enjoy talking to him.  I want to know about his life, his history, his family, what makes him who he really is.  I wait all day to talk to him and I simmer after we chat.  I scream into my pillow and kick my legs when I think about just being able to hang with him all day alone.....swoon.

I am a bit nervous about the physical connection between Crush and me because it is time to really seal the deal.  But, at the same time, I am not really nervous at all because emotionally we are very connected, I do think the physical expression will follow.  I am trying not to over think it.  I have never emotionally been into a guy.  I have always used alcohol to coax myself into physicality and caring.  With Awful, I really don't think I am going to require any wine to open up.  EXCITED.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

BIG Girl

I have always been described as being a big girl.  By age 4, I was almost as tall as my sister, who was nearing 7.  I am not fat, per se, soft in the middle yes (well until recently), but I am big.  Broad shoulders, wide hips, larges hands and feet (down to a size 9.5 now that I have recently lost some weight!).

As I have mentioned before, I actually, personally, don't really have an issue with my own size.  The issue I have is that other people seem to have an issue with it.

I can remember being young and visiting my grandmother, a ritual that was dedicated to most Saturday afternoons growing up.  One day as lunch was wrapping up, she offered my sister some cookies and didn't offer me any.  I remember being super confused as those butter cookies from the blue tin were my favorite (especially the pretzel shaped ones covered in the sugar crystals) and I asked for a few, too. She looked at me for a few beats too long with a rare sternness that I had never seen before and said:

"You are too chubby to have cookies anymore.  Your sister is a nice weight for a little girl. You are getting very round.  I am helping you.  Look at your aunt (her daughter) she was beautiful like you and always struggled with her weight and now she is heavy, huge.  You don't want to be like her.  You are going to have to work at being shapely and I am going help you.  You have a beautiful face, you do, but you will always be big if you don't try not to be.  Your sister, she will have an easier time being thin, but she isn't nearly as pretty.  Men like woman who are small, since you are going to be so tall, you will have to work extra hard to be lean."

My sister and I were little girls at the time of this conversation.....5 and 8 perhaps.  We both remember it and we both don't really love this grandmother as much as we should.  I consider it to be the day that I lost some of my innocence, that I really became aware of my body and my size.  Grandmother taught me that having one good thing, like a "pretty face" wouldn't be enough if I couldn't match it will a thin body.  I remember going to school that fall and comparing myself to every other little girl in the classroom.  Thinking, I am prettier than her, but I am bigger than her.  What did grandma do to me?  I remember coming home and crying because there was only one little girl in the entire classroom that was bigger than me.....grandma was right, I really was huge.

Being called out on being big then became a fear of mine.  I hated the way that lunchtime conversation made me feel.  Being shamed in front of my older sister, the idol of any little sister, about my size.  I know in my heart, I wasn't a small girl, but my mom and dad, they never made much of a big deal.  I was tall, I would be tall like some of the women in my family, no big deal.  And they were right, I reached my final height of 5'9 (and a half) before I even arrived at college.  No big deal.

I went through school, all of school, college included, in fear of being called fat.  I know this is crazy, but I did.  And I was called fat many times.  I was also a huge asshole to people myself sometimes, so perhaps this is the easy thing to call me, "fat", because as grandma already informed me, I am lucky to NOT be fat and ugly.  Fat AND ugly is the real problem....

I have been considering going back to school to get a masters in a subject I love, for fun, at my own pace, not for any career incentive.  I wasted my school years being afraid of being called out.  I would love to return to school secure in myself.  To not worry about weight, social standing, or what I would wear to class.  I mean, imagine going to class and having the only objective be to learn?!

What a novel idea.

Weight Status 2

I am holding steady so out of the 30 I want to lose, I am down 13 pounds.  I am happy.  I am also experiencing my monthly "gift" which always requires me to retain lots of water, so I am excited to hop on the scale come Friday and get a better reading.

It is funny, but years ago, at this very weight, the weight I am now, I would have felt and looked rather chubs.  But, now, I am fitting into smaller sizes, my face is less puffy, I actually like the number very much on me.  And yes, I did have plastic surgery to fix the tummy, so this helps too, I am sure.

I am taking it one day at a time, but I will say, I am really liking my bod these days and I am finding peace in that fact. I actually look at myself in the mirror and think....."I can work with this" and not "WHY? FUCK! HOW! I HATE MYSELF!", so like I said...progress!

Binge Free: Week 2 Recap

It was another good week around here.  I worked all weekend, so my eating is always a bit sporadic when I am working nonstop (my job requires me to sometimes be pretty much up and on for about 72 hours straight....and no, I am not a lady of the night).  Then, as per usual, I eat lots and sleep lots when the work is done and it all seems to balance out as it has according to the scale this morning.

I did eat a bunch of cookies and crackers last night while I was trying to sleep.  Not really a binge as I was COMPLETELY aware of the crumbs in the bed and why I was doing it.  I was also super hungry because I hadn't been able to eat anything all day.....butterflies!

I will be seeing le Crush in 1 week and I am NERVOUS!  I am really mostly excited, but I am nervous too because well, I find him to be very attractive.  Conventionally, I am not sure if everyone would think so, but I am really into his inside AND outside and oy........I hate to admit this, but I have NEVER been attracted, like really attracted to anyone I have ever dated.  I had to get drunk the first few months of the relationship with Awful to sleep with him for the most part.  DID I JUST ADMIT THAT?!  I did.  OMG, I did.  So, now that I like what I see with Crush and I LOVE who he is as a person, well, I do think I am going to be just a little pile of mush and I do hope I can remain ladylike even though I am waging that I may not be able to....we will see.

I am working on packing for our little trip and all I have come up with is underwear, it is really not a good sign here as I am sure I will be required to wear pants at some time during this trip...

Friday, October 12, 2012

Binge Free: Day 5 (Week 2)

Another really good day yesterday.  1,700 calories.  I am starting to really get the eating to satisfaction thing here....I mean, hunger has never been the issue for me.  My feelings have been.

As of late, I am feeling like things will be okay.  Even if it doesn't work out with Crush, at least now I know that normal guys exist, though they may live in different cities...they are around. You just have to look a bit for them.

Someone asked me, what will you do if this doesn't work out with Crush? Yes, I will be sad, but I will be okay, too.  Awful was the big let down for me because he promised me things from the very beginning and then he couldn't make right by his statements.

Crush and I have openly discussed not making any promises to each other yet that we can't keep.  Therefore, I can dream, but I am not going to get caught up in some fantasy of maybes and some days without a reason and he is already beginning to give me some very good reasons, all the coincidences aside...Crush is a man of his word and I am going to wait to see what the future may hold. It is fun to wander into my thoughts, but I am really pulling myself back each and every day, so I do not let my heart get too attached to something so much more than what I am experiencing now.  Because I am staying in reality, I am not turning to food.  I am not feeling let down by a situation I created in my mind.

I lived and learned from my experience with Awful.  Actions speak louder than words. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Perfect Fit

My mom is the BEST discount shopper.  Take her to any TJ Maxx or Marshalls and she will find the find.  The designer dress or purse hiding among all of the crap.  She is amazing this way.  Like a ninja when she hits the discount racks.

She also has a great eye.  She can look at something and just knows that it will look good on me.  She also has a weird sense about things I will "need."  In the last year, she has really helped me establish a very complete adult wardrobe.  For the first time ever, I have appropriate and flattering clothes for every occasion.  Dressing is not a chore.  It has made my life so much easier....invest in some great fitting a few colors, I promise you, it will change your life!!

Crush is proper and all and attends events for things on the regular (he's not some annoying guy who goes to clubs, it's more family stuff), so my dresses and heels that are perfectly prim and proper, will finally come back out....especially now that the zippers are almost at a place where they will realistically zip in a few more weeks!  It is also a plus that he has a few inches on me....first time ever for me!  Heels with a man.  All I ever wanted.  All the shorties are always the ones that like me...biology. Awful didn't care that I wore heels, but in them, I was like 8 inches taller than him sometimes and I didn't like it.  I had horrible posture with him...trying to slouch down to appear close to the same height.  I can stand tall with Crush. Represents so much more than just height.

I am a tall one and my stature has always made dating tough for me.  Men telling me I am BIG, masculine, not their type.  Crush, he tells me I am just the type he looks for and since my body type isn't one you see every day, it is really just my luck (I am curvy, tall, and also a bit muscular, yet soft...hard to bff said it best, when I am thin for me, I have a body like Jordin Sparks).  I showed him my hands and feet and he told me that he loves that the feet I stand on and the hands I use are strong and able and capable of so many things.  That my hands reminded me of the kind that could fix a problem, carry a baby, and climb a tree.  It made me cry.  For the record, I could never climb a tree, no upper body strength on this girl.

To be truly appreciated, for all the things I always hated about is still too much too comprehend.

Once on a date, a man told me I had man made me so paranoid for a while, I would hide them under dinner tables when I met guys for the first time....I mean, yes, I have vagina issues (damn you porn and airbrushing), but hand was getting to be a bit too much.  I like that Crush says that everyone was created a bit differently like a snowflake, no flaws are imperfections, they are actually perfections that make the world as beautiful and unique as possible. He says the world would be so boring to look at if everyone looked the same.  I know.  It really is too much.....but, it is really just what I wished for!

Anyone out there reading that needs a little hope, MAKE A LIST!  Bring that better to you.  It may not be instant and it may not be easy, but a list of all the things you want: love, life, will help you.  I PROMISE!

I digressed again....

Last winter,  my mom came back from a bargain trip (her daily activity) with a beautiful designer dress for me.  Sumptuous really.  Just gorgeous.  Light and silk and lacy with boning and the most delicate straps.  It may have been found at TJ Maxx, but it still wasn't cheap.  This is a dress to wear next to a man formally dressed.....I looked at it and laughed.  There was no way I would ever get into it and where would I wear it?  It was not even close to fitting, the zipper couldn't even be moved up the track.  I told my mom to return it as it was depressing me and she told me:

"This dress isn't for now, this is a dress for your new life, the one you are working towards.  You will see, when you least expect it, you will get into this dress and you will have somewhere to wear it, I just know it.  I hope at this time, the yo-yo dieting and self hatred may be a thing of the past.  You get yourself back in shape when you are ready, but you do it for real this time.  Forever.  So, start when you are ready."

She said this nearly 10 months ago....

Last night, Crush asked me to a formal party in his hometown in 2 months.  This will be the time I will meet his family, if things continue to go well.  He just wanted to let me know as an invitation will be sent for me in the mail.  I instantly thought, ohhhh, I will try and try only for fun, the never going to happen dress, from last winter.  Let me just try and see how much more work I have to go and then I can start thinking about a backup plan.

Well, I slipped it over my head and low and behold, IT FIT!  Yes, perhaps 5-7 more pounds will help me just a bit, but it is completely presentable and if I do say so myself, beautiful.  I looked in the mirror and started crying (duh!).  My mom was right, I had a place to wear it and it finally fit, just when I least expected it!!!!!!

Prior to me beginning my quest back down, I had already lost 12 pounds, so now, I am a bit past 22 pounds total.  I have 19 or more to go and I am not sure I will ever get there, really.  I am going to take numbers off the table and just see how I feel.  I gained 40 pounds total (that was hard to admit!) with the Awful, but when we first met, I was unusually skinny and a bit bobble head looking for me (even at that weight, I weigh sadly more than many men, I am a heavy person....!), so I am not sure I want to go back there....I don't look great SUPER skinny.  I like myself with a little giggle and a lot of softness.  It goes with my personality.

I am so excited about the dress.  It really represents so many great things!

Now, there is this other one, I really want to wear it soon around the holidays.....houndstooth and perfectly Mad Men in the best way possible and the zipper is going halfway up...onward march!

Binge Free: Days 2-4 (Week 2)

Oddly enough....I have been doing really well with the binging.  Much of this is because I am really avoiding many of the foods that cause epic binges for me: crackers, cereal, string cheese...!

I also feel really excited and all full of butterflies because of Crush, it is hard for me to swallow when I am smiling.

Calories for the past few days have been right around 1,400.  Weight is the same, but I had a major wardrobe achievement which I will share in a post in just a moment.

I do think that I will record my calories every day in a post (I am using a calorie counter, highly recommend!), put only post Binge Free once a week as I bet it is a bit tedious and all.  One post will have all 7 days starting on week 3 which is coming up. I am also interested to see how a week looks calorie wise in total, so this may help....

Monday, October 8, 2012

Binge Free: Day 1 (Week 2)

1,200 calories....not hungry at all yesterday.  A bit more hungry today.  Excited about the potential of a second week binge free!

Something in the Air

I am lovesick right now.  I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I listen to all of my favorite CDs and they have a different meaning.  The sky is bluer, the laughs are deeper, the longing is mutual.  I have never felt this way before.

I believe in all kinds of love.  Practical love, buddy-buddy love so you don't have to be alone, infatuation masking for love, and the kind of love that is always not quite enough.  I believe that love has phases like the moon or the tide.  I believe that love can be reborn and rebirthed between two people.  I believe that a love story truly has no end, that future generations represent the roots families put down in the name of love.

I think I have found my soul mate.  The kind of love that I don't think most people get to experience.  I just have a feeling. When you know, you know.  I cannot believe this is happening to ME.  I honestly thought I would never find what I was searching for.  I pray that this is it for me.  And, well, and I know if it isn't, then, this experience came to me for a reason, that I only deserve the very best for me.

My 20s were a roller coaster.  I lived, I learned, I cried.  I hurt people.  I let people hurt me.  I lied to protect myself.  I lied to protect others.  I put on a brave face.  I observed quietly.  I acted out.  I let myself experience bad things.  I felt guilt and pain when I did something I shouldn't have.  I did for other people.  I put myself last.  I let pieces of my best self hide, so others could have their time to shine.  I became a better person.

Crush did the same.  He went through a lot and like me, he is also very lucky.  He has a family that adores him, a close relationship with his siblings, faith, hope, courage, integrity, and drive.  We are the same now, but years ago this wouldn't have worked, even months ago, our timing would have been, there is only wide open spaces and the promise of everything I ever wanted: sandy kisses, salty skin, beach bonfires and sing alongs with best friends, comfort food, warmer climates, barking dogs, cozy beds, chubby babies, afternoons in shady hammocks under breezy trees, and rocking chairs on front porches.  How am I so lucky?

This last week, I took a little break for me.  I let myself feel.  I let myself dream.  I told Crush every secret, every embarrassment that haunts me.  I took off my armor and I let myself become translucent.  It's really a love story for the ages, we hardly know each other, yet he's already one of my best friends.  He says, our souls have already met and I believe him.  I am neglecting my clients, I am neglecting my body, I am walking into doors, spilling coffee, forgetting words.  It's time to get back to my life with my new love.  To make an effort to not let one over power the other.  To blend these wonderful things together like the perfect cup of coffee.

It's time for me to share why I think Crush is my soul mate and I promise you, it's not just dumb luck......:

1.  We both are the only people in the world that have our name.  Neither of them are that weird, it just happened this way.

2.  We both broke up with our significant others during the same month officially and then had several restarts and stops.  We both did the walking away.  More than once.

3.  We both have only had one real serious relationship with the potential of marriage before meeting each other.

4.  We both care deeply about what other people think, but in the last year, we have decided that we had to live our own lives for ourselves.  We reached this conclusion independently.

5.  One of his favorite movies takes place in my city and one of my favorite movies takes place in his.

6.  He grew up in a town that is the same name as my maternal grandmother.  His family helped establish that town many years ago.

7.  We both had a grandfather that has the same name.  We both only have one remaining grandparent living, a grandmother.

8.  We both have ancestors that came from the same country and city even, before they immigrated here.

9.  We both have several doctors in our families.

10.  We share the same faith.  We were both told at a very early age that marrying within this faith would provide the best and easiest life, to respect that hardships and fight our ancestors had to endure to allow for our existence.  We both have parents that would have been sad if we didn't do this, but would have loved us the same anyway.

11.  We both shared a room growing up with a sibling of our same gender.  Our beds were configured the same way.

12.  We both don't like fish.  Like, I really don't like it and he hates it, too.

13.  We both almost drowned when we were 3.  Me at the beach and him at a pool.  We both went on to be lifeguards.

14.  We both have the same ideas about heaven and life's meaning and true purpose and destiny.

15.  We were born in the same state.

16.  He was born in the SAME hospital as Awful.  The very same one in the same month, only a few years later.  Crush and Awful have similar educations.  They majored in the same subjects, have the same grad degree, and speak the same second language.  They are also both fantastic writers and love history.  Awful wasn't all rotten, just mostly.

17.  I am from the same state that his ex is from.  My sister now lives there.

18.  We share the same favorite flavor of ice cream.  It's really simple. We have both never had a new car.

19.  The song "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong is a favorite of both of ours.  It is my dad's favorite song and his mom's favorite song.  My sister danced to it at her wedding with our dad.  One day, I hope Crush and I can dance to it with all of our parents at our wedding.

20.  We were both nursed as babies.

21.  We both had cuddle bed sessions with our parents in the mornings when we were young.

22.  Our parents read us the same bedtime stories.

23.  We both had record players growing up and danced to music.  Both of our parents did not encourage television.

24.  We both went to overnight camp and loved it.

25.  Our favorite Beatles song is the same, "Something", and when we learned this, we both said at the same time, "it's about Pattie Boyd" and then agreed that "Layla" and "Wonderful Tonight" are also epic songs and she must have had some real strong womanly prowess.

26.  We like the same music and music is very important to us.

27.  One of my dreams has always been that I would marry a rock star.  He sings and plays several instruments, he has already written me a song.

28.  We talk about songs we like and then we hear them randomly on the radio.  Rare songs, not ones that are commonly played.

29.  Yesterday, 6 birds landed at my feet and stared at me.  There were red breasted.  Red is my favorite color.  I am a bit scared of birds, but my maternal grandmother loved them and always believed that they are your relatives from heaven coming to see you.  I told Crush and he told me that he wrote a song about birds years ago (he has a CD that he made with his bro for fun more so than anything else when he was in grad school) flying south.  It is song number 6 on the disk.

30.  We were both raised to respect experiences and not possessions. Both of our sets of parents were able to pay for our educations in full, no longstanding loans, in real time.  We both know how lucky we are.

31.  We are both claustrophobic.

32.  We are both extroverts that need to be alone.

33.  We love the same books.

34.  We are both romantic.

35.  We both love to sleep with our windows open.

36.  He collects things.  I only like one kind of comic (it involves Betty and Veronica) and he has a rare one from the very year I was born.  He sent it to me.  His favorite baseball team hails from the city my dad was born and raised in.  Crush never lived there, he just always liked the team.

37.  We are both better on the phone initially than in person.  We both get tongue tied and act like fools when we are nervous. We were both ambivalent about dating for the most part.  People always liked us and we were somewhat "meh" about it.

38.  We both love children.  We are both not ready for them yet and want to have time post marriage without them.

39.  We both went to schools in towns that share the same name, but in different states.  We were both in these towns at the same time (me undergrad, him grad).  We both struggled a bit in school, but ended up working hard and getting good grades.

40.  We are both very hard workers, we both work for ourselves.

41.  We are both not too hot at science or math.

42.  We both like to take long walks and exercise.

43.  We both like shooting guns, but we both hate killing animals.  Clay birds for us.

44.  We both find great joy in making our families proud.

45.  We both don't drink much.

46.  We both love campfires and smores and sing-alongs.

47.  We both have never been this honest with anyone until we met each other.

48.  We both felt very supernatural things on the same date this spring.  I was working and he was attending something that was the same kind of event when it a different state.

49.  His mom has 2 brothers, just like mine.

50.  The last time he spoke to his ex was on my mom's birthday.  The very day I was supposed to be born.  My mom had me C-section a week early because I was ready to come out of the oven, we are lucky we didn't have to share the day....Crush's mom tells him what she wants for her bday as does is always something small.  They both say "having you in my life is a gift enough" when we ask them what we can buy them.

AND......and well, the list could go on and on and on.  I look forward to adding to it.  I could probably think of 50 more, if I didn't have to work.

So, back to work and walking into parked cars and laughing and crying uncontrollably....

Things can change when you least expect it.  Every day is a chance for something amazing to happen....

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Binge Free Day 7 (Week 1)

And so we begin week 2 binge free today....WHOOOOOOT!

Feeling good.

1,600 yesterday (there was some wine involved).

Also, I got on the scale this morning and I'm officially down 10 pounds.

I will take it.  I am actually elated. This whole thing has been mental.  All in that brain of mine.

Off to work.

Happy Sunday!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Sliding Doors

I know you all think I am such a sap.  And I am becoming one.  A star crossed lover.  A believer in fate.  A person who KNOWS that if not Crush (please be you, Crush), then someone else will find their way to me and it will be okay, too.  I can just feel it in the air.  My heart is open again.  Almost 1 year after I left Awful's home forever and slammed that door, that phase in my life.   But still, until very recently, Awful's door had been open a crack, a sliver really, enough to slide a thin piece of paper through, but not even a envelope.

This last year has been SHIT.  Healing from the aftermath of Awful.  Doors still ajar.  Information still shared in the context of, "I am better than you....."

Awful and I had a toxic relationship.  He was like a drug for me.  A bad drug.  I wanted to be around him for some reason, but the minute I was in his company, I was uneasy, agitated, and then afterwards, the depression that would set in.....rock bottom.

For months, post breakup, Awful and I played cat and mouse.  We would attempt to have friendly conversations that would end in tears and jealously.  He would regularly call me to check in on me, but really only to brag about all of the new women he was sleeping with.  To prove to me that he is more desirable....I am not Giselle over here, but he's not some stone cold fox, I don't need to be the better looking one in a couple, but I was with him, inside and out.  Text book, little man syndrome, that Awful was.

Crush tells me that I am a knockout.  He tells me I am soft and sweet and sexy and just like a real woman should be.  For someone who has just finally put most of her body image issues to bed FINALLY, after YEARS, this is just what I NEED to hear.  But, Crush also tells me that I am just as pretty inside and out, and that my friends, that is really the most important thing. A face and body may be beautiful, but it is nothing if the heart inside of a person is ugly.

I fell into Awful's trap every time we spoke.  I would end up in bed for days unable to lift my head off of my pillow, even though I was the one who left him.  You see, for a while there, I would rather be with Awful than be alone.  Never be afraid to be alone.  The best strength comes from the lessons you learn solo.

Then only a few weeks ago, after a long period of blissful silence from Awful, most likely because he was busy seducing young stupid women on his boat (I was one of them, so I can say that) I received an email from him asking me for money that I don't think I truly owe him and I wrote him an email.  A really personal email.

I admitted all of my insecurities, I didn't sugarcoat it.  I let him win.  I wanted to marry him, he didn't want to marry me, but he didn't want to let me go, he didn't want to be alone and face all of his many issues.  He had the power.  I may have gotten wrapped up wanting what I wanted so bad that I couldn't function, but I will admit my truth, I wanted to get him, to the wall, to a plant, to a car....I just didn't want to be alone anymore.

In the email, I called Awful out on his bullshit, I stopped playing games, I stopped trying to protect myself from the hurt I was feeling, I stopped trying to show him that I would win by being evasive.  I let it all hang out, the ugly, the insecurities, the pain. I called him out, with the truth, the truth from MY perspective. And I allowed myself to be truly vulnerable.  Not angry anymore.  Vulnerable.  You hurt me Awful.  You made me feel perhaps as bad as your ex-wife made you feel.  You wore the pants in our relationship.  You didn't want to share the power even though you presented in public that I was the boss....I was NEVER THE BOSS, we both know this.

I became the boss when I left you, but a ring would have kept me.  THANK YOU for not giving me one.  I would be so sad right now if I was with Awful.  If I never had the chance to feel the way I am feeling for Crush, even if it's only been a few weeks.

After I sent that email, I got scared I would hear back.  I counted the days.  I haven't yet, it's been weeks.  I had a few sleepless nights over it.  The day after I sent Awful the email, Crush called me and we had our first real conversation, the one that spanned over 4 hours, the one that gave me the chills, that made me feel that maybe just maybe good guys exist.  The one I feel connected us.

I have been 100% honest about my ENTIRE reality with Crush.  I have NEVER been able to do this with anyone that has a penis.  It's a relatively new concept, for me to be honest all the time and I like it.  It is so freeing.  I have let it ALL out this year and perhaps this is why I am ready for something bigger, something real.

There are things about me that are great and there are things about me that aren't.  Crush is the same, he is only a person, only a man.  His good FAR outweighs his bad, but he has lived his own mistakes, too.  We all can't get to a certain age without having a past.

I learned with Awful: the games, the perception of reality, the wanting, the longing, the ending up so close, but not at all on the same page....I am not going to ever date like that again.  I am not going to date a man I cannot communicate with, I cannot disagree with, I cannot share my feelings with.  I don't want to have to throw insults, jabs, or heavy books on a regular basis to simply make a point.

My love story will only work for me if I am true to myself.  No game playing.

You see, I closed my door on Awful, but it took me 10 months post breakup to do it.  Now, that I  FINALLY slammed and locked it, complete with a double bolt, now another door seems to be sliding open for me.

Binge Free: Day 6 (Week 1)

Great day yesterday!  Really wonderful clients and vendors and I got to see a best friend, too.


1,300 calories.

I have found that if I eat protein at every meal, it really curbs my tendency to binge.  I am trying to work some in at every single meal which takes a bit of effort since my favorite meals are seriously either buttered noodles or buttered bread, but I am enjoying branching out a bit these days.

Happy Saturday!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Binge Free: Day 5 (Week 1)

I received a wonderful comment from Danielle over at Zombie Love Affair regarding binge eating and I ALWAYS appreciate feedback with anything I post, so THANK YOU!  Also, her blog is really really great, but I am sure most of you already know that.

She shared that perhaps I should set up weekly goals binge free instead of monthly ones and I thought about it and I was like....DUH, that is a GREAT idea.

This will be less pressure for me and I know I can do a week as I just did it a while back.  So, I am going to go for weeks binge free and not months and go piece by piece, baby steps.

As for yesterday, it was a really good day and then I got a bit snacky late night.  I will admit why.......shhhhhhhh.....

So, I had a very good conversation with Crush last night as I typically do and he is a total gentleman, always...... I fear I may be the future pervert with us which is actually quite good as Awful was the perviest perv in the nation (I just gagged) and made me do things sometimes that were WAY outside of my comfort zone.

WHY DID I DO THEM YOU ASK?  Low self esteem......moving on....

So, when I talk to Crush, I sometimes often get turned on.  Yes, his accent is something of my dreams, but it's not just that, it is what he has to say.  He is so smart, and kind, and relatable, and he just feels safe to me.  Also, we have SO MUCH in common, down to even the way we were raised which is what we spoke about last night (sharing rooms with our siblings, climbing in our parents' beds in the morning and cuddling, being nursed, favorite children's books....), I made a joke that I fear that we may be actually related.  So, when I get off the phone with him, I can be hot and bothered.  And then I can't sleep.  And then I try to read and I have these crazy explicit thoughts.  So, then, I eat crackers and cheese.  I had a 500 calorie late night snack last happens......I should go to the gym, I am a member of a 24 hour one, so that may just be the thing.  Or get a new vibrator....

Oh yes, I ate 2,300 calories yesterday.  It happens.  Today is starting well.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

I Just Had To Share

Just as I was finishing my post about Crush and my feelings, a bunch of texts came in from him.  I want to document them, so I will never forget and also, every time I talk about him, he seems to know....

Texts -

I have never had dreams like this before.  It is so cool.  I may have heard it happening to others, but never me.

I keep looking at my phone and it is totally true that it happened again.  Really creepy this time.

And then to make it even more unique, we both had a part relating to our exes and texting at the SAME exact time this morning....WTF!

(In my dream, I dreamt Crush and me were holding hands walking down the street and we passed Awful and his wife walking down the street and we all said hello and exchanged pleasantries and then Crush and I were instantly in a hotel room passionately making out....he dreamt that he was talking to a good friend about how he knew he wasn't supposed to be with his ex and needed to leave her and then he dreamt about the same delicious make out session as me)

Honestly, the whole dream really really made me happy and the kiss was very symbolic in my dream because it represented the future for me, well, uh, I guess for us, right?

I am so happy.

If I tell people, like my parents or friends, no one is ever going to believe me because the whole thing seems unbelievable, but its totally happening.  I just know from the way I feel about all of this.  It's amazing.

And I would not be surprised, if we are experiencing a divine intervention.  I have been wishing and praying for someone like you for my whole life.

I am sure you look gorgeous today and in my dream we were just perfect together.  We fit perfectly.

And right as we were really kissing, I woke up.  I can't even tell you how amazing it was and how beautiful it was.  I sound like a girl.  You are making me sound like a chick.  What is happening to me?

I actually kind of feel like crying.  It's really emotional.  I must go to work.  Talk later.  Can't wait.  What is happening to me?  You are making me insane. 


Dare I Say?!

I am happy.  It is weird.  I have a lot to do, but I am happy.  I haven't been happy in 3 years.  OMG.  I was not happy for 1 day that I was with Awful.  I just realized this.  I feel like myself again.  I am starting to look like myself again, too.  It is all very good.  It is all very hopeful.

I am going to see my therapist today.  I am happy, but my anxiety is still making it a bit hard for me to complete tasks.  I am looking forward to this afternoon's appointment.  I do think my therapist is very handsome and his voice is extremely comforting.  I bawl every time I see him.  No one should be surprised by this.

Oh and yes....yes, I am falling hard and fast for Crush.  There is no other way to explain this.  It is making me VERY nervous as I have been so unlucky in love before.  Unfortunately unlucky.

Crush and me, we just have so much in common.  We finish each other sentences.  We talk about our feelings and our fears.  We both lived through devastating breakups this year, we both were the people that did the breaking up and walking out, we both felt that our exes weren't our soul mates.  There are signs, MANY signs.  I have been keeping a list.  If we ever make it to a defined place, I will share them all with you.

There are dreams, 3 so far that we have shared.  This morning I texted him about my dream JUST as I received a text from him about his....the SAME dream, a text from me sent and a text from him received at the SAME time about the SAME dream.  And not a sex dream, but there was some kissing and closure with exes and all that.  WEIRD!  WEIRD!  WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have the same views.  We are both hopeless romantics.  We come from similar backgrounds.  We like the same music.  We plan to vote for the same person and no I will not tell you who that person is.

I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I have NEVER felt this way EVER!  I think I may be falling in love.  I realize that I have never been it love before.  I thought it was love, but it never was.  This is something new, this feeling, this is something intoxicating.

It all feels so DIFFERENT, so different,  that I am not even scared to admit it.  I know that it might not work out, I know that only time will tell, but there is something so special about this, about how this is making me feel, I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I think this may be what the beginnings of soul mate love truly feels like.....I really think it's destiny.

Weight Status 1

I am down 8 pounds!  WHOOT!  This is progress.  I am at a number I haven't seen in OVER TWO YEARS.  I am REALLY excited.  22 pounds to go.  One day at a time here.

Binge Free: Day 4 (Cycle 2)

1,300 calories.  Very good day it was yesterday.  Hoping for another.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Binge Free: Day 3 (Cycle 2)

1,700 calories down the hatch.

Done eating for the day.

TONS of email to do.

I plan to wash up here early, watch the latest episode of Revenge (LOVE ME SOME SCANDAL!) as a break since I have been up since 5:00 am and in work appointments/calls/emails ALL day, talk to Crush for a bit (keeping it to less than 1 hour as last night we rounded 3 and this lady does NOT have the time this week for such indulgences), and then catch up on ALL email and documents for real...TONIGHT.  It's time to get it all taken care of.

I really do feel like I am crawling out of the hole that was this last year for me.  What a damn relief.  It's not about work going well, or talking to a new Crush, it's really about finding hope.  I made a truce with my past, acknowledged my mistakes, learned a lot, dusted myself off, made some sacrifices, stood up for myself, shared my truth.............and now I am here.  I am in a better place than I was even a few weeks ago.

The light at the end of the tunnel isn't in clear view yet, but I am seeing the first shadows of something bright. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Binge Free: Day 2 (Cycle 2)

Another good day.  1,400 calories and feeling great.  I really have to focus because Crush is coming to visit in a few weeks and I want to feel the best I can and be excited about my clothes.  I have some great clothes, I just can't currently contort myself into them. Oy.

Sweet dreams!

Dream Come True?

My dreams have been so vivid lately.  Beautiful.  The kind that you don't want to wake up from.  I have been sleeping in....not good.

The last time I had dreams like this on a regular basis was exactly a year ago.  I was finding my personal strength to leave Awful and I had the most intense dreams.  In them, my grandfather would come and tell me to "just leave, just go, I promise you it will be okay, I am looking out for you, just leave, just go."  I had that same dream about 9 times before I got up and didn't think about things, about what I would be giving up, I just grabbed my bags and followed my heart right out of Awful's front door.

A few nights ago, I had a really neat dream.  I dreamt that the Crush attended a wedding with me that was 2 and half years ago.  In real life, I went with Awful.  It was a fun weekend, a GREAT wedding.  The wedding was for one of my very best friends, a person I truly adore.  It took place in her hometown, one of my favorite cities in the world.  It would have been better if Awful wasn't my date, everything always became about him and his drinking embarrassed me.  In my dream, Crush and I were having a ball.  I looked really happy and he was a great dancer and twirled me all night.  I am sucker for a man that can dance.  I told him about my dream and he told me that he LOVES to dance and he has taken lots of lessons, it's more of traditional thing from where he is from.  I mean obviously, because I forgot to put that on my list, but really should have, did I mention...I LOVE to dance.  A man raised right can dance if you ask me.  Swoon.

Last night, I had another vivid dream.  Crush wasn't in it this time, but I was again in the city that my best friend above got married in, in a hotel I love and stayed at with Awful a few times before.  In my dream, I am primping to go somewhere.  I am listening to my favorite CD ever and sipping a glass of champagne.  I am not at my skinniest, but I am about 20 pounds less than I am now and if I do say so myself, I look beautiful.  I am wearing one of my favorite primping garments, a long silk nightie with spaghetti nearest and dearest call it a Dynasty nightie and make fun of me for loving them, it is a very 80s look.  My hair is long, my skin is crystal clear, my teeth and eyes are bright.  I am really happy.  I look like the person I am just starting to look like again after a real long time...I missed her.  I put on my perfume and take a sip of champagne.  I am in front of a gorgeous vintage vanity staring at myself in the mirror, smiling.  Just as I start to apply my lipstick, I wake up.....

This morning, I received a text as soon as I got out of bed from Crush that read:

C: I dreamt about you last night.

R&F: You did, what happened?

C: I was somewhere I have never been before, I am not sure where, but I think a hotel.  You were primping to go somewhere in front of a mirror.  I was standing at the doorway admiring you, I am not even sure if you knew I was there.  You looked so beautiful.  It was taking me a lot not to muss you.  You were putting on red lipstick.  I love red lipstick. (SIDE NOTE: I do too, a little bit too much and ten years into my red lipstick career, I have just figured out how to wear it, I plan to offer some beauty product suggestions on this blog too, down the line, in my dream I was putting on my new favorite red, Nars Heat Wave.....).

R&F: I had a very similar dream.  I just peed myself.  I now have the chills and I am going to be late for a conference call that I require coffee for.  Talk to you later.  Don't forget your details.  I need to hear ALL about it later.

And yes, Crush uses words like muss.

Pinch me.

Binge Free: Day 1 (Cycle 2)

I love the use of the world's so America's Next Top Model.  Tyra is like on cycle 38 or something.  I hope I can get to 30 days binge free without 38 cycles.

As for yesterday, great eating day!  1,450 calories and very balanced all day emotionally which helped subside any mindless munching.  I'll repost back later on day 2.

I am feeling so good lately, I am scaring myself.