Thursday, September 20, 2012

Half Truth

I just found out that someone I know and care about is having a baby.  It is truly wonderful news.  I am very happy for her.  She has had a few very shitty years and she deserves this goodness more than anyone I know.  Congratulations.

What I don't care for pertaining to this news is that since I am single and of a certain age, people, my own family especially, keep this sort of thing a secret from me.  I am last to find out about engagements, pregnancies, divorces even...because I am single and because I am single with a still a little bit broken heart.  I am not sad that I am not with Awful.  I am actually quite happy.  I am just bitter and frustrated at myself because I wasted so much time and energy on a clown with no chin definition.

My relationship status makes me a leper.  I get treated like I am different....people whisper, doors close during certain conversations, emails are sent that I am not copied on.

People have children, the lucky ones do.  I mean, it kinda makes the world go round, the whole birth and death thing we have going on.

You can tell me, I promise I won't cry.  But, if I find out in innocent conversation 2 months after everyone else, there will be tears.


Someone I love and respect very much just offered me fantastic feedback regarding this post.  She told me that I rolled my eyes when she tried to tell me some exciting life news that had to do with her....I mean, I am frankly unaware of the fact that I am an eye rolling asshole.  But, you want to know something?!  It all makes sense.  Perhaps, people are keeping secrets from me because I react to their good news like a total moron and I make them feel bad for having good news.  Oy.  By the time I have any good news to share pertaining to my own life, there will be crickets.....I will have to go out back and confide in the garbage dumpster because I won't have a friend in the world to share in my excitement.  

I am writing here to get over myself.  To acknowledge my issues.  To become better.  To shed my layers.  Today has already been a VERY good day because I have learned.  It isn't all "whoa is me."  I am getting back what I am giving back.  Just like I just promised my best friend when she commented on this post directly to me, I appreciate the feedback and I will work on being better.  I made a mistake and I was wrong.  My actions influence my life.  I want people to tell me their good news because genuinely, I am happy.  I am SO very happy for you.  I am just a bit jealous and jealously brings out the ugly in me. Thank you bff for being so honest, that is what real friends do.  I don't hate happy, I actually love it. 

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