The End of An E(x)ra

I wanted to say farewell to the idea of my Awful Ex.

This is the last post I will ever post about him.

The future is ahead of me and the past is now in the past.

I don't know if it was simply seeing his circular form from afar for the third time in a year (I mean, in this BIG HUGE city I live in...what are the chances!?) or because I can taste my move coming now.....but, it is time.  I have been blogging here for nearly a year (time flies!) and Awful and I officially broke up in November 2011 and had our last true correspondence in July of 2012......time to let GO GO GO GO!

So, here it goes.

The pain in my heart no longer resides.  The anger and fear and hostility I have for him is no longer pulsating through my veins.  Peace has set in.

I don't like him as a person because I don't think he is truly good.  He was a terrible boyfriend to me.  A liar.  Manipulative.  Abusive.  AWFUL.

But, I cannot be a victim.  I allowed myself to be treated poorly and sometimes I lashed out.  I saw signs and decided to stay.  I turned a blind eye to things that I should never have....him not coming home some nights, calling my rolly tummy the "stormy sea..", telling me he would pay to lob off my belly and then me taking him up on it....not because I really wanted it....because I wanted him to pay for saying such hurtful things to me.  His indifference to marriage and children and commitment.  He was over 35 the entire time we dated and yet he was so childlike.  A teenage boy lost at sea in his little wooden boat...obsessed with popularity, friends, and parties......

And yes, there are parts of him that aren't so bad.  There are 3 sides to every story as they say....Besides his generosity to bribe people to be his friend, he is intelligent and a good son, a good brother, and a good uncle.  He is also a good friend to a few people, a REALLY GOOD ONE.  Dependable, kind, and patient.  He is also VERY smart.  He is a schlub, but not totally....I mean I did date him for over 2 years....

So why did I hold on so long?

This has been something I have been rolling around in my mind for a while in preparation of this post.

And I struggled with the answer over and over again and the truth is....

Well, I wanted my hatred for him to give me strength.

The strength to move on, to prove him wrong, and to lose weight.

And in many ways, I am still here.  I am moving and I have moved on, but I am actually heavier than I was when we broke up....so hate is not my secret weigh loss recipe anymore.

Just because it worked before when I heard a boy I thought was a friend call me fat in college and then I lost 40 pounds from WeightWatchers  starvation and sheer determination.....it isn't enough anymore and I find comfort in that.

I wanted to believe that my hatred for Awful would help me lose weight and it didn't at all.

Huge realization here.

Who wants to go through life angry, vindictive, and looking to prove someone wrong?

Not me.

Well, not me anymore.

And, I am not a total hypocrite because I am currently working on letting my distain for a few former clients go too, but that is still too raw to really process presently.

My clairvoyant did say that Awful would die young from a terrible and fatal accident (she specifically saw either a boating or motorcycle related one....which I used to have nightmares about last summer....) and I will admit that I don't wish that upon him, but if it happened, I wouldn't be surprised because he is reckless...drunk, risky, and fancy free.  As my Mom says, "Awful was always knee deep in his cups and drowning..." Her dislike for him grew immensely when he convinced my 5 months pregnant sister to go for a relaxing 10 minute boat cruise (you cannot argue with Awful about his boat...it is his way or the highway there..!) and got us stuck for hours in a huge body of water without food.  And the entire time he was convincing Sissy....I knew in my mind....it would be a disaster because everything with him often was!  After that occurrence.....my sister referred to him as "The Drunk Flailing Boat Troll" and as mean as it was....she was afraid that Big Baby was going to be born on the boat as 4 months to safety did seem like a realistic escape plan as he was always helpless when tragedy set in.

So, it is the end of my era with Awful Ex.  He will be the man we giggle about 10 years from now, while we get together for holiday suppers or weekend reunions with friends.....

And ask....

"What do you think ever happened to Kevin?"

(Yes, I went for a very cheesy and Sex and the City name drop reveal....!)

THE END!

Motorcycles, Migraines, and Mania

Motorcycles: 

Third time is a charm, indeed!  I saw Awful yesterday in rush hour traffic on 1 of his many motorcycles.  He was weaving in a out of traffic like a wobbly jerk and from that riding style alone....I knew it was him.  He had a lady on the back, someone I presume is his new main squeeze as they were wearing matching helmets....Now, when I tell you what I did....I am giggling while I type this, because, who am I?!....it will be clear that I have a screw loose....because I followed him.  Before everyone gets their undergarments all in a ruffle, in my defense, he cut me off, not knowing it was me, and because I have become much more chill than months past, I calmly muttered to myself, but did not open the window and yell "F*CK OFF!" as old me may have done....but, his a-hole riding did catch my eye because it was so dangerous and unsteady and stupid.....textbook Awful.

He was wearing his navy fleece vest with his boat name on the chest (which he loves), a rolled up button down shirt, khaki shorts,  and his boat shoes.  Basically, his summer uniform.  I actually did enjoy the way Awful dressed as I love prep, but honestly no one does prep better than my Crush (prep school will bring out the authentically prep in anyone!) and Smartie Best Friend's Hubby....cause she dresses him SO WELL in tons of preppy pink.

 So....back to the stalking....I followed Awful off the exit ramp (1 exit earlier than my destination), to get a better look and then I pulled up right beside him and stared.  Yes.  I open mouth stared.  I have no idea what came over me.  We locked eyes.  And.....well......he gave me a goofy wave....and something came over my body and I waived back....!  

I am not sure if he connected it was me, it seemed like more of a reaction to the lady (ME!) staring at him.  He was wearing sunglasses, so I am not sure if there was recognition in his eyes.  But, I can tell you this....he is no longer thin and a part of me felt bad about that...because here I am all rejoined at WeightWatchers for the upmteenth time....weight loss is a bitch!

When we broke up, he went a a HUGE diet, I think to prove me wrong (I wanted him to lay off the sauce and he did when we broke up and only when we broke up and went on a starvation plan and lost like 50 pounds in mere months) and seeing him big again, well it pulled at my heart strings.  Because I know how hard it is to struggle with the weight and we did have emotional eating in common.  We just brought out the worst in each other in every way possible. I didn't get a super good look at his main squeeze, but she was thin and petite (like his ex-wife) and she looked into him and my goodness.....I know, crazy talk here, but I am happy for him and I think that this interaction was the peace, perhaps.  I saw him, he appears to be in a relationship, he looks worse than when I saw him last, and we waived.....the end. Do I still hate him?  Yes.  But, do I feel a new sense of closure.  Yes.

Now, the only thing I would have done differently had I been engaged, was waive my left hand and not my right...but, Crush and I just aren't there yet...more to come on that down below.

Migraines: 

I had the worst one I have ever had in my life last night.  Right behind my eyes.  I couldn't do anything but lay in the dark and moan and throw up.  It is stress related.  I never got them before this past year and I this is my third major one....not fun.

Mania:

Lately, Crush and I have been fighting.  Major blowouts.  I shouldn't engage with him, but I do.  He still hasn't been able to tell me where I should live (small town or city), and I decided a while back, I was just going to do the city...Well, I then got an email saying, "if you do not live in the same place as me, I will understand, but it may delay our process as a couple.."

AND RECORD SCRATCH.

Are you threatening me, my dear Crush?

You see, I know he is working on a ring for me because I live with my folks and they told me....really when he asked them for my ring size, which I had to get measured for especially now that I am fluffy and gained some poundage.  Secret agents (my parents) told me that he is now working with a jeweler in the Big Apple to design me some shine, so I want my sparkles (really I want to begin my next phase in life and shhhhh....I really just want to have a baby...shhhhh, but true, I am years past wanting to be a bride, but I do love me a party, so we will see, we will see), but mostly, I don't want to be given ultimatums WHEN MY BOYFRIEND OF 10 MONTHS CANNOT TELL ME WHERE TO LIVE IN HIS STATE!!!!!!!

Oy, oy, oy.

I will mention this again because I have to keep telling myself this....Crush has an issue with processing, so making decisions.  He has no problems as far as I am concerned as he is intelligent, comes from AN AWESOME (love them more everyday) family, owns a home and is about to own another....and oh yes, he has more money in the bank than most people I know at our age (or my Dad's)...so, champagne problems here people...but, my man cannot decide where to live because he makes such a big deal OUT OF EVERYTHING that simple decisions (like what to eat for lunch) are hard for him.  Good news: I noticed this early on and encouraged him to see a therapist and now he is and I am seeing some change (you can't change a man, but sometimes you can encourage one!).....I think his email being all ballsy is a way of communicating his independence...so, I did what I do best and I emailed him back:

"Listen, you are the one I want to be with and I cannot wait any longer to apply for jobs, redo my website, and put a security deposit down on a place to live.  You snooze, you lose.  I guess, if you don't want to propose unless we live in the same place, then, well, we may not be engaged as soon as you led me to believe because you cannot give me the name of where I should live.  I am fine dating as long as you need to figure things out....I guess this is just a wait and see sort of thing now, but my life is moving forward with or without your "PLAN" because I have been waiting for a final one since February.  I am making things too easy for you and you struggle with decisions, so now I am deciding for me and I am living in the city and plan to get myself settled there."

I realize that as much as I love Crush and adore him, I need to worry about ME.  And I am pretty sure that ME will become US, but at the end of the day...

Well, I am the person that needs to come first now.

Do You Believe? The Time I Saw 2 Clairvoyants (On Different Days) Because One Of My Best Friends Made Me........ (PART 2)

After my appointment with June, I was super excited to see DeeDee.  About a month passed between my appointment with June and my appointment with DeeDee and during that time, I dreamt of my grandfather vividly almost every single night.  It was almost like he was alive again.  He told me in my dreams that he was proud of me, that he was going to help me find love, and that he was watching over me.  I would wake up in the morning feeling extremely relaxed and hopeful.

The morning of my appointment with DeeDee, I almost canceled it.  I was feeling overwhelmed at what I could hear and nervous that she would tell me things that scared me.  But, I figured, I waited 2 months to see her, so I better just go...

I was a few minutes late trying to find a parking spot and walked in all in a huff.  DeeDee sees clients in an office space that is decorated like a hookah lounge: comfy chairs and couches, tapestries, candles and incense everywhere.

When I entered, I smelled a scent that reminded me of my grandfather's pipe.  It was very soothing.  DeeDee smiled and gave me a hug.  She said, "Welcome, R&F.  Your grandfather told me you are always a few minutes late.  He is here right now and has been eagerly awaiting your arrival all morning.  I had to ask him to stay out of other client's appointments.  He is very chatty and animated (SO TRUE).  I have to ask you your permission first,  is it okay if he stays for our appointment?"

I burst into tears.  I could feel him there.  The energy.  The smell.  I knew he was in DeeDee's office.

"Of course....," was all I could mutter before DeeDee guided me to a huge purple armchair and started her ritual of lighting incense and candles and meditating.

DeeDee got out a notebook and started scribbling fanatically.  She wrote Awful's initials, circled them, and then made a line through it.  Like a "no running sign" for children.  My grandfather loved to make little signs like that.  She told me that my grandfather had been wanting to tell me this message for the last 3 years.

DeeDee continued to blow my mind. My grandpa had so much to tell me.  She told me that she knew I had already had my angels read and that Smartie Best Friend had sent me and that my grandfather had started to bug her in desperation in order to get me into DeeDee's office (true!).

DeeDee drew a diagram of my workspace complete with a photo of my grandfather (which is in the room I work) and told me that he wanted me to know that he watches me.  She drew a diagram of my family and me witnessing my grandfather's last rites and told me that my grandfather considers that one of the best moments of his life even though it came at the very end.  DeeDee explained that my grandfather disliked Awful and really wanted me to get my $25.00 check (a joke that he shared with Sissy and me...if we married Jewish, he would give us $25.00 and if we didn't marry Jewish....we got nothing!).  She told me my grandfather handpicked Big Baby's soul for our family (Big Baby is his namesake) and we would be very close and have a special bond (we do already).  DeeDee explained all of the business mistakes my granddad was watching me make and how I had to stay true to myself and be tough, if I wanted to make a living.

Most of all, my granddad emphasized the importance of me making my husband list.  DeeDee said that my grandpa was looking all over the skies trying to set me up with some one's grandson and he had no idea what I wanted.  He had been trying, but it just wasn't working out with anyone he sent me and DeeDee referenced 3 of my last dates at that time.....all good on paper Jewish guys, but none the one for me.

She told me I had to get specific, I had to get superficial, I had to wish for EXACTLY what I wanted and then grandpa could help me.  I promised her I would.  She told me something I will never forget.  "You are connected to life beyond life.  Just like I am.  You are being given a huge opportunity.  Someone close to you and chosen (my grandfather) who loves you very much is trying to help you find your soul mate.  All you have to do is make your list.  You have nothing to lose.  Just make the list.  The worst that can happen is that it takes a few years and you get your body and mind in check, you continue to grow your business....or...well, love could be just around the corner for you.  Make your damn list." (My mom, Sissy, and Smartie Best Friend had already been telling me to make my list before I saw DeeDee, so the notion of a list was not something new to me.

DeeDee went on to discuss my love life.  The abuse I endured with Awful.  The fact that Awful was never going to marry me.  How he was going to bars instead of conversion classes....how he emotionally and most likely physically cheated on me (I did suspect something on 2 separate occasions and pretty much had it confirmed last June...which I am not even angry about....subconsciously, he was looking for a way out, too).  How I did enough good deeds for him: cooking, cleaning, getting him a job after he was fired from his last one, being hospitable to his family and friends....even though he wasn't a bad person in general, he was a very bad person for me.  She told me that my grandfather was desperate to contact me all during my relationship with Awful (I started dating Awful a few months after Grandpa died) and was coming to me as best as he could while I contemplated suicide, looking for a way out of Awful's grasp.  DeeDee wrote down the words, "JUST LEAVE." The very mantra that was haunting my dreams and thoughts the last weeks before I moved out of Awful's home.  It was those 2 words that gave me the strength to know that a future existed beyond Awful's brownstone....all I had to do was leave.  Grandpa was the one whispering it to me.

DeeDee drew 2 wedding rings with a 33 next to them.  She told me that my future husband didn't live in the Midwest, that I would live near the beach, and that I would marry my soul mate at age 33....a special number that would eventually reveal itself to me.  She said I would leave this city and never look back.  IT IS ALL HAPPENING.

She also told me lots of things about my mom, dad, Sissy, best friends, and grandmother, but I don't want to share on their behalf....the important thing to note is that it has all been spot on for now.

I left DeeDee's appointment feeling like my life would go on.  I deleted Awful from my phone, joined a new gym, and signed up again for match.com.

In June, I went to the beach with a best friend and her family and made my husband list.  I sent it out to sea with a letter to my grandfather thanking him for helping me and letting him know how grateful I was that he was looking over me.

1 month later, Crush's Nanny passed away.

1 month after that, Crush and I had our first contact.

The rest is history is the making.......BELIEVE.

Circle of Friends

I have a friend that I don't think is my friend anymore.

I am not sure she knows this.

I love my friends deeply, intimately, and fiercely.

In this case, I suddenly realized that over the last few years, I loved and cared about her more than she did about me.  I considered her a best friend and she considered me a friend, not even a really good one, perhaps.

Over the last year, we have had limited correspondence and I think she is in a good place for her.  I am in a good place for me now, too, but I do believe that she used my living at home as an excuse to not get too involved with me.  Like I was a leper or something.

I have never tried to sugarcoat my reality, I know it is weird to some, but I wasn't going to go into debt or stay in an abusive relationship to seem independent.  I failed at love with Awful and I came home, not that big of a deal.

Last year really defined who my real friends were.  There were a few people who carried me through my darkest times.  When tragedy strikes, you learn who really loves you.

Not too long ago, she made me feel really bad about being me.  The person who I am now AND the person I once was.  It made me very sad.  I have always wanted her to love me and I don't think she ever has.  More than anything, I know I am difficult, hard to be around for some, and perhaps not her type of friend, but I promise you, we once had a connection.

One night, when I was showing Crush photos of my best friends, she was in a shot from a few years ago.  I was quizzing him on the gals and he asked about her and before I knew it, the words, "well, she's not really my friend anymore" fell out of my mouth.  To admit it so freely really shocked me.  I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.  Then, I started to bawl.

He asked me why I was crying and I told him about the past year and how I needed so much, perhaps too much from people and some could and some couldn't help me.  I told him about how I felt alienated by her even though we live in the same place pretty much.

I didn't even realize how super sad I was about it until I told him and it felt good to acknowledge it, to move on, to admit it.....I wanted to be close to her and she didn't feel the same for me.  She rejected my friend advances.

He asked "well, would you invite her to your wedding?" (not that random, I qualify his friends this way and have asked him that question many times when he explains his relationships with people) and I hesitated for a little too long.  He replied, "that's a no...and I love you too much to allow you to invite anyone that wouldn't be happy for you."

The truth is that I know in my heart that unless things totally change, she won't be invited to my wedding because I fear that inside she may actually hate me.

Crush then said, "It's okay.  People change.  She doesn't understand you anymore.  You probably don't get her either.  Friends come and go, but it's family that you are stuck with.  That's why I plan to upgrade you from girlfriend to family someday.....so we don't have to ever wonder what happened to.....?"

And then I fell a little bit more in love with Crush.