Breakups SUCK! A Post Dedicated to a Friend I Love

A friend I love and care for deeply is going through a little something....a breakup.

IT SUCKS.

I told her this.  Time* is the only way to soothe the breakup scorn.  I wish there was a better answer for this and we could play a fun 80's song and have a fashion spree/makeover montage and make it all go away in 3 minutes.

* Even 2 YEARS post breakup and I am engaged to my soul mate for heaven's sake, I STILL get angry about the shit that went down with Awful from time to time and cyber stalk him and balk and huff around.  I BROKE UP WITH HIM, let's not forget which only adds to my crazy.  AND......I think he may have acquired a bulldog which ANNOYS me on EVERY level because that was the dog I WANTED when we were together and he didn't want one.  He once again gets to give me a virtual flick off and as hilarious as I find it because he doesn't have an original thought, it enrages me because get your own ideas and own life, Awful.  AND, nanananabooboo, I don't even want a bulldog anymore, but I won't tell you the kind of dog we are getting (a cairn terrier) because you will probably outbid the one I put a deposit down for and travel 1,200 miles by motorcycle to screw me over.  Yes, I know, I am NOT normal (AT ALL!) and that the world doesn't revolve around me and trying to piss me off.  I also realize that only bolding some words which I do when I get excited must be super annoying to read...sorry about that.  Oy, the "......" must be annoying, too. 

There is nothing I like more than an inspirational quote.  I look at Pinterest and Instagram for them and not for wedding ideas which is pretty funny when you think about it.  Here are a few things I came up with, a few things I summarized from being influenced by other sayings and a few things that are just common sense (when you think about it and the heart sometimes clouds the mind) that I wanted to share for my AMAZING friend and everyone else who has suffered a breakup.  Here we go:

1.  Breakups and breakdowns allow for breakthroughs.

2.  A person should be measured by the way they make you feel as when it comes to love, that is the only thing that really matters.

3.  Life gives you great lessons when you are ready to learn them.

4.  Change is terrifying, but it is also extremely exciting. A clean slate is a gift that keeps on giving.

5.  So much can happen in a year.  Shit, look at me if you really need some proof.  And if it can happen for me, it can happen for ANYONE......I am not a precious pony.

6.  Make your husband/wife list.  Make it!  PLEASE.  When you are ready.  It works.  I got everything I wrote on my list....EVERYTHING.  And....well, I forgot to wish for clean and tidy, sigh.

7.  Getting in shape and buying new makeup and revamping your wardrobe and losing weight are all awesome.  But, nothing can really fix the way you feel about yourself externally until you change the way you feel about yourself internally.  I tried to lose weight for YEARS before meeting Crush and I am just now able to do it because I feel safe, secure and loved.  My fiancé fell in love with me when I was at my absolute heaviest EVER and he still loves me for me.  I will get off my pedestal now and stop playing my violin, but true love is about so much more than the way you look. And we are ALL gorgeous, darlings.

8.  Reintroduce yourself to a few things that you missed from your life before this relationship ever happened.  These things make you happy and ground you and will help you re-identify with who you are as a person.

9.  A broken heart is a feeling like no other.  It is dark and scary and painful and parched.  It is heavy and deep and personal and lonely.  Trite as it is, the thin line between love and hate can be microscopic.  You will feel crazy.  You will feel FUCKING PISSED.  You will eat too much, drink too much and sleep too much.  But, you WILL FEEL.  And feeling emotion is this amazing thing that people can do.  You will forever really understand what all of the sad songs, movies and poems about love are all about. You will be moved.  And your outlook about what you deserve and who you allow yourself to date will change because you will have learned (sometimes it takes a few tries to get this one down......I liked to date alcohol and food abusers until I realized that 2 peas in a pod may make a party, but not a functioning relationship).

10.  Do not apologize for the person that you are.  Only apologize for the stupidity of the person you were once with because they could not appreciate all of your gifts.  For example, "I am sorry, but you will NEVER do better than me." Oh yes, and sometimes a simple, "FUCK YOU!!!!" can be very effective, too.

When life gives you lemons, try to make some lemonade and if you are too depressed for a little while to get the motivation to mix them with water and sugar, I highly recommend sipping on some Limoncello to take the edge off.

XXXXX,

R&F

Battle of The Binge

I binged badly yesterday for my first time since I started my eating therapy.  I have had little slip-ups, but this binge was reminiscent of the big ugly ones of the past.

The silver lining here is that I know why I did it.

I have been working non-stop for the last month or so, averaging 4-5 hours sleep tops.  I now have a nice little break and Sunday after I was done working....I had this moment of relief pass over me (and my tired feet)....I don't have to set the alarm tomorrow, I can just chill out and lay down for the first time in a long time.

I then started thinking.

And let me tell you, I am better busy than with nothing to do because I over-think everything and give myself anxiety without any good reason.

I mulled over Awful's pending marriage and the stupidity of our past relationship.

I got caught in a web of doubt that Crush will not do right by me and makes things official after I move across the country for him (even though I know he will).

I fretted over the fact that I do not have a new job in my new city.

I started beating myself up that I have been trying to lose weight for 18 months and I have only lost 13.5 pounds when other people (like I started to compare myself to contestants on Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser) can do it so easily (even though it must be torture losing 10 pounds in a week!).

I then went to the fridge and pantry to ease my feelings.

I ate and ate and ate.  I must have consumed 5,000 calories.

I fell asleep feeling so full, sobbing.  The guilt I felt over hurting my body was a new emotion.

In the past I always soothed myself post binge by thinking, "Tomorrow is a new day."

Last night, I told myself, "You deserve better than this.  You are better than this."

Today, I am about to go to the gym and face the scale at WeightWatchers.  Yes, I binged epically before my assigned weigh-in day.  I will not hide from the numbers.  I did it to myself and I need to face the consequences of my decision.

I took a little step in the wrong direction.  I am not perfect.  I am not instantly cured.

I am trying and I am living and I will beat this.

It may not be today, but I will battle the binge eventually.

Perspective

Crush's brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend over the weekend.

I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match.  They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important.  Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up.  They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating.  As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.

In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!

Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?

IT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST THINGS EVER.

In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go.  It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....

Everyone deserves true love.  Real love. Soulmate love.  This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation.  This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security.  This is about how a person makes you feel.  I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?"  If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!

Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was.  I didn't have a soulful connection with myself.  He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.

So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side.  They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.

I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't.  I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist.  I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.

I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up.  We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some).  I will remember the positive if I ever see them.   His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now.  Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.

I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:

"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person.  Only change yourself if you want to.  Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday.  Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end.  I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing.  You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me.  You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful.  You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally.  I am here for you even if I can't be there for you.  Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."

I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.