Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Food is a Four Letter Word

I have something to admit.....I am a compulsive overeater.  That's right.  I said it.  I binge eat. I don't purge.  I often binge on healthy food, just in large quantities.  I was 30 when I fully realized this.

I have always used food to soothe myself, my emotions.  I remember feeling excited when I was left home alone when I was younger, my first memory of this was from third grade. When I was alone in the house, I could eat without judgement and in total abandonment.  No questions asked, no padlocked pantry.  Eating alone is heaven to me.  Food is my drug of choice.

My mom always controlled my food intake, my snacking.  She is also an emotional eater and won't deny this when confronted.  She wanted me to have a better food relationship than she did, but it is tricky.  She hid food, she kept food just for her: chocolate, cookies, ice cream. I always found it, there are only so many places to hide treats from a very eager little snacker. She wanted to protect me from the fat chants that taunted me on the playground during lunch, she wanted to give me a life free of the insults that haunted her years before when she was a chubby girl.

I have eliminated all of my crutches that have masked my issues with food.  The cigarettes, the alcohol, the marijuana, the diet soda, the taste-free, diet-free, prepackaged and time-free processed diet foods.....so, now I am left with a huge problem for me......because I want to have a healthy relationship with food, because I want to be a good and realistic and healthy weight for me and I cannot stop binge eating...

THE TRUTH = I haven't gone one single day without a binge since I walked out of my past life.  I haven't stopped stuffing myself with food I am not hungry for because I am hungry for a better life and I am scared I won't be able to find it.  I am really really scared that I will be 35 before I know it and still stuck and still at this weight which holds me back and makes me shy and forces me to cover myself up, both on the outside and on the inside....I cannot be my true self at this weight.  This weight really makes me seek approval, "can you be seen in public with me?", "could you date me publicly at this size?", "would you be friends with someone like me?"  Yet, I still reach for crackers and cheese in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, stuffing them into my mouth, like they are my security blanket.

I am going to fight this.  One day at a time, I have to.  I will never be able to succeed with this skeleton still in my closet.  I have tried it all: weight watchers, therapy, paleo, south beach, etc.  None of it ever worked permanently because I wasn't ready to change.  Internally, I was always looking for the quick fix, the easy out, the "look how good I look since the last time you saw me"!?  It is time to make a change, to be self aware, to acknowledge that I am better than this and stronger than this, to prove I can overcome this.  My life is totally controlled by food and it sucks and I am ready to fight this once and for all.  This will be the key to my success, because food has been the longest addiction in my life.  I have carried my food issues through every phase of my life.  I have fought the other addictions, I can beat this and I will, one binge free day at a time.  Day 1 is today.

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