More Tummy Talk and Body Acceptance Thoughts

THANK YOU ALL for your wonderful feedback and for reading.  I find great satisfaction from sharing my CORE here.  I know that life online is often sunshine and flowers and if I wasn't anonymous, mine would be, too. Who wants to post the bad stuff about themselves publicly?  NOT ME!  I give great credit to the people online who put it ALL out there with their name AND face.  I have a major confidence crush on all of YOU!

I love sharing my real story because I know it is a story so many of us share.  As people, we have dealt with successes and failures.  We have yearned for something that didn't work out.  We have had our hearts broken.  Struggled with our self confidence.  Experienced emotional anguish and friends that couldn't give us what we really needed.  And then we jumped online and we googled our whoa and we ended up on a message board or blog or website and we didn't feel so alone anymore.

The struggle with my body has been long and dark.  I have wanted thin for so long that I forgot why I even wanted it at all.  I have always associated health with being skinny and they are not the same.  When I was at my thinnest, I abused food, exercise, drugs and alcohol.  I was on tons of antidepressants.  I yearned to be accepted by men and included by women.  I craved love.  I feared that the word "fat" would be associated with my name.  

I fought with food.

I went through periods where I wouldn't eat more than diet soda and broccoli.  I got thin.  I binged so regularly that my stomach could easily accommodate an entire medium Chicago deep dish pizza (this is no small feat….I could have probably taken Adam from Man vs. Food at an eating competition!).  I got fat.  I got on the scale and cried.  I got thin.  I drove miles to stores where no one would see me, so I could buy larger pants.  I got fat.  I restricted so much that bridesmaid dresses had to be taken in three full sizes to fit my new starved shaped.  I got thin.

I avoided mirrors.  I avoided full fat dairy.  I avoided plans out with friends.  I avoided the bread basket and open bottles of wine.  I avoided scales.  I avoided a break in my routine.  I avoided sleeping in and giving my body a break from the rigorous torture I was making it endure.

And then I was thin again.

Life was supposed to be perfect now, right?

But, where were the men and my friends and why wasn't wearing a smaller size as fun as I thought it would be?  The rush of adrenaline watching the scale tick down only lasts for so long….a bite won't hurt, right?  My control would waiver.  I would spend hours thinking about a bag of gummy bears or a burrito.  I would allow myself a nibble of fresh baguette or a tiny taste of tiramisu and I would become a frenzied dog in heat.  There wasn't enough I could eat to fill up my broken heart and spirit.

And then I was fat again.

Avoidance mode. The mirrors, the people, the plans and the gym because I was too embarrassed to be seen in public.  I have let people down.  I have not showed up when I should have.  It is so much easier to be "tired, sick or too busy" than hungover from food or without anything in my closet that fits.  Would anyone even believe me if I told them that I couldn't come to dinner "because I do not have anything to wear?"

When I realized that my food addiction was so much more than a love of eating and cooking and actually involved deep seeded emotional issues that I needed to work through, I was scared.  Could I overcome this?  Food has been my friend.  I still yearn for the comfort that only unrestricted calorie consumption and Bravo can give me.  To glaze over just like a Krispy Creme.  But it is no way to live.  It is dark, isolating, sad and empty.  When I feel the compulsion to shut in, the most important thing I can do is get outside for a walk, or go to the library or call a best friend.  I need to break that moment because if I give in, one binge has the power to turn into months and months of self induced destruction by food.  I deserve better.

I will never be as thin as I once was by starvation.  If my body wants to amaze me and go places that it hasn't in years (as I have seen from my sister and a few best friends after babies and breastfeeding), then I will relish my shape, but no more than I love my body now.

I know I am a broken record, but my goal is to get to a place of total peace with my body.  I want to find the optimal weight for my build (still have a little to go, but not a ton).  I want to be healthy, strong and free from worrying about my tummy, thighs or arms.  I want to get dressed and look in the mirror and be fine with what I see.  To not pinch an inch or fantasize about a dress I used to wear or sigh when I put my bronzer over a lovely fleshy cheek and not a sunken cheekbone.

I am getting there.  Everyday isn't as good as I would like.  I sometimes eat lots of Special K bars out of habit.  The rustling of wrappers comforts me still.  Once in a while, my want of an ice cream cone outweighs my need and it may even be my third dessert of that day.  Sometimes the scale goes up and not down.

But, I am enjoying the give and take.  The downward trend overtime.   I am tracking everything, even the way over my calorie days like yesterday which included mimosas, potato chips and a bakery cookie.  But it also included family, stories from the past, long walks, lots of hugs and a brilliant beach moon.  Life happens and I want to learn to live in a world where food and my guilt with food, do not intersect.

The nonstop restricting works, but without good habits, my weight will never stay stable.  My goal once I get to the right weight for me is to stay within seven pounds (not including pregnancies hopefully to come, then I will stay within whatever the doctor recommends) for the rest of my life.  I won't be the skinniest I ever have been, but I will be the most stable.  I want to chose a weight (I am still seeking what may feel right) that is realistic for life.

Stability may not be as exciting, but the Weight Roller Coaster is one ride I am ready to get off of!

Food and Love

Really all I need in this world are food and love.

Food and love have always gone hand in hand for me.  From the cookies and ice cream my parents and grandparents loved me up with to show me that they adored me to the candlelit romantic dinners Crush and I still share all too often.

Crush is the first man I have dated who has a normal relationship with food.  In the past, I dated binge eaters, manorexics, and even a man who couldn't keep a single morsel of food in his place for fear of sleep eating.  All of their eating issues triggered mine terribly, so Crush's non-issues are just a bit more icing on my love cake, not having to worry about food so much makes me feel fantastic and safe.

Normal is a slippery slope word, but I find Crush's habits to fall under the realm of healthy.  He eats when he is hungry and passes when he isn't.  He has a pretty scheduled routine with food (3 meals a day and 2 snacks) and enjoys some splurges and treats in moderation, but he is fine passing on indulgences, too.  I love having him around because he is a super good influence on me.  When I am with Crush, I find myself making healthier choices, being more in the moment and less in the pantry, and enjoying the act of sharing a healthy freshly prepared meal.

Since I have moved, I decided to take the power out of the number.  Meaning the scale.  But, since I am using a calorie tracker and want to get to a healthy weight for me (22 more pounds to go), I do get on  the scale from time to time, when I feel like I should (as in a few days ago when my super tight pants felt much looser).  I have lost 7 pounds since I moved to Charleston!  I think it is a combination of Spinning classes, sleeping well, tracking (science is a bitch, but it works), and my major reduction in stress.  When I am stressed, no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight, so less stress and a good sleep routine, are really my most important factors when I am trying to reduce.

The truth is that I am still a person with a food addiction.  I am not instantly healed because of my new location.  I actually binged yesterday.  My first real free for all in Charleston.  It wasn't super major compared to the damage I have done in the past, but it wasn't pretty either.

It involved Cheetos, popsicles, an individual cup of ice cream, and an individual pizza.  But, I can tell you why I did it which I am proud of.  I wasn't feeling well and I slept terribly (Crush was snoring all night and I was feverish).  I woke up needing carbs and I ate a NYC bagel (that was in my freezer waiting for me) slattered with butter.  From previous experience and pitfalls, carbs in the AM coupled with no sleep can be a recipe to binge for me and sure enough I did.  That bagel really shouldn't have been around anyway, but I do try to test myself (as my therapist suggests, to take the power and fear out of food) every once in away and I am proud to say that I have been strong against Wheat Thins and pasta in the house.  I find it refreshing to know why I do the things I do when it comes to eating.  This has been the most valuable thing I have learned in therapy.  That my actions have reactions and not everything is as random as I wish it was because if it was then I wouldn't have the problem I do with food.

I am continuing to track calories and take things one day at a time.  Slip ups happen, but it is the overall journey that produces results.  The easy fix never works for me anyway. At least Crush's influence is a good one.  I hate dated and lived with men who encouraged my bad habits and it is nice to know that I have one less excuse to test my willpower!

Once In A While An Article Really Hits Home

Are you familiar with xojane?

When it first started, I was a huge fan and since then, I don't love the articles as much as I used to, but once in a while, there is an excellent article that really hits home for me, like this one.

Gaining weight has been the hardest thing for me these past few years.  Harder than my abusive relationship with Awful, harder than moving back in with my parents at 30, harder than trying to make a long distance relationship work while I run a very stressful (and often ridiculous) business.

I didn't gain 90 pounds in 1 year like the author, but I did gain 45 pounds in less than 4 years and it has been the biggest weight gain I have ever had.  Yes, there have been times in the past that I have put on 15-20 pounds in a few months due to stress, happy new love, or simply falling out of my gym routine.  But, these 45 pounds have been different.  They were put on solely because I was unhappy, severely depressed, and feeling alone. I emotionally ate my way to a place that even I couldn't really understand.  I abused food so severely, that I can no longer fully trust myself to nourish my body without hurting myself bite by bite.

As I look back upon my eating history in therapy, I realize that my relationship with food has always been totally restrictive or completely reckless.  There has never been moderation and learning it has been difficult.  It is hard to try to build healthy limits with something that soothes me, gives me structure, and keeps me company...but it is food?!  Food shouldn't be filling all of these emotional needs as much as it does for me.  I am relearning my entire way of thinking about it: hunger cues, fulfilling cravings, eating until I am satisfied.  I feel like a baby sometimes.

In a quest to get super real with my journey and stop using crutches to pacify my fear of calories and knowing exactly what I am eating, I have been encouraged to stop WeightWatching and begin tracking calories on a calorie tracker.  I am using MyFitness Pal (there are a ton of others out there, too).  I have tried calorie tracking before, but not in an entirely healthy way....always by majorly restricting to get a quick result.  I am so over doing that, finally.

My food therapist encouraged WeightWatchers until I became disordered with my tracking.  You see, WeightWatchers constantly changes their programs (almost yearly) with new plan updates which I hate to say, but are most likely business related....they need update things so current members have to relearn and recommit and new members will be encouraged to join.  This new program doesn't work as well for me as some of the past ones I have tried.  One of the reasons why is because fruit is "free" of points and since I am a binge eater, I can eat 1,000 calories of it no problem.  Additionally, each week gets 49 bonus points which can be consumed as an option and since I see any bonus as an invite to binge, I sometimes eat 49 points mindlessly just because I feel I can.

Some days I would enjoy my favorite breakfast, an egg white sandwich and coffee: eggs whites prepared in real butter, a regular English muffin, a slice of real cheddar cheese, a slice of Canadian bacon, and coffee with cream and sugar.  This breakfast would be 15 WeightWatcher points or roughly half of my daily allotment of points even though it is less than 500 calories and I aim to eat 1,800 calories each day.  So, after breakfast, I would give up because I would have a client meeting where I knew there would be food, or because I would be going out to dinner with friends late in the evening.  I would quit midday.  The fear of going over my points would leave me anxiety ridden.  Calorie wise I could have made it work, but points wise, it would have been tougher.  Again, I was playing complete and utter mind games and I was self sabotaging.

I know WeightWatchers is a great program and works for many people.  But for me, a chronic binge eater with a much more severe addiction than I initially thought...well, it is very triggering for my own personal issues. Odd, because counting calories (what has been working for me) is often really really triggering for some.  You just never know what will work for you unless you try it!

So, I am calorie tracking and I am currently at a 16 pound loss.  The weight loss is slowing down, but I am not rushing it.  I really want to learn about my food addiction and what I need to do for me.  I don't care it is takes 4 years to get the weight off.  There is no rush, I am simply NOT going to ever gain the weight again.

I want food to be my friend.  Not my best friend, just a friend.  I want to enjoy food, look forward to it from time to time, and enjoy the peace and fulfillment it can provide for me.  Not there yet, but everyday food is becoming less of an enemy.

Battle of The Binge

I binged badly yesterday for my first time since I started my eating therapy.  I have had little slip-ups, but this binge was reminiscent of the big ugly ones of the past.

The silver lining here is that I know why I did it.

I have been working non-stop for the last month or so, averaging 4-5 hours sleep tops.  I now have a nice little break and Sunday after I was done working....I had this moment of relief pass over me (and my tired feet)....I don't have to set the alarm tomorrow, I can just chill out and lay down for the first time in a long time.

I then started thinking.

And let me tell you, I am better busy than with nothing to do because I over-think everything and give myself anxiety without any good reason.

I mulled over Awful's pending marriage and the stupidity of our past relationship.

I got caught in a web of doubt that Crush will not do right by me and makes things official after I move across the country for him (even though I know he will).

I fretted over the fact that I do not have a new job in my new city.

I started beating myself up that I have been trying to lose weight for 18 months and I have only lost 13.5 pounds when other people (like I started to compare myself to contestants on Extreme Weight Loss and Biggest Loser) can do it so easily (even though it must be torture losing 10 pounds in a week!).

I then went to the fridge and pantry to ease my feelings.

I ate and ate and ate.  I must have consumed 5,000 calories.

I fell asleep feeling so full, sobbing.  The guilt I felt over hurting my body was a new emotion.

In the past I always soothed myself post binge by thinking, "Tomorrow is a new day."

Last night, I told myself, "You deserve better than this.  You are better than this."

Today, I am about to go to the gym and face the scale at WeightWatchers.  Yes, I binged epically before my assigned weigh-in day.  I will not hide from the numbers.  I did it to myself and I need to face the consequences of my decision.

I took a little step in the wrong direction.  I am not perfect.  I am not instantly cured.

I am trying and I am living and I will beat this.

It may not be today, but I will battle the binge eventually.

Weight Updates and Other Food Blunders

Please don't judge the even more typos than normal on this post, I'm typing it from my iPad between appointments.

So, the eating these days has been out of control. Emotional. Yearning. Obsessing. Not fun.

This results in utter self loathing. Not wanting to get out of bed. Not wanting to be accountable for plans. Not wanting to take a photo. Hiding from life. Food is a real addiction. It makes me do things I wish I didn't do.

I am getting back to basics with my diet.  The first step is no more dieting and no more scale.

Both turn into obsessive competitions for me. Little pictures, when I need to be focusing on my big one.....the food abuse that comes with emotional eating.

First step for me is simply retraining my hunger cues.  Am I eating because I am hungry? 90 percent of the time I am not.  I am reaching for food for distraction, for comfort, for companionship....in the past I used sex, cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol to ease the same feelings and now food is my last addiction to confront head on.

I haven't actually gained weight. A few pounds of vacation last week, but nothing major.  The thing is that I feel the tidal wave of a binge brewing. I feel the self hatred, depression, and lack of excitement that often accompanies a binge and I don't want to do it this time. I want to face it. I want to feel the pain that needs to escape from me. I need to stop using food as my ban-aid and let my wounds heal naturally. It is time.

This all being said, I will let you all know about the food issues, but I'm putting the scale away for a bit and quitting the calorie counting for weight loss (just journaling and counting for a reference point for my hunger cues) and I am going to work this out. Inside out, top to bottom, tears and self hatred to come. I am ready. For many reasons. But, mostly because who I am to judge Crush for his shortcomings and stupid what he may dos when I am addicted to food.

Always Right Bestie read yesterday's post and offered me great insight with my recent struggles. The message was that we all have something to work on. Crush with his social skills a bit and thinking before he acts and me......well, food is just the tip of the iceberg. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite......

Happy Hump Day!

The Very Last Thing

I have a few goals for 2013 that I really want to accomplish.  I plan to make a post about them soon to hold me accountable, but one is so important that I am dedicating this here post to it......you know what I am going to say......I must get the rest of the weight off.

I am actually okay at the weight I am at.  I look okay, some clothes look really nice (with the proper support garments), I can make it through rigorous exercise classes and actually typically perform better than many in them, but, well, but, I feel like this layer of weight is a result of the person I was trying to cover up, to hide from, and I don't like what the weight represents, sadness.  I gained this weight when I started dating Awful and my anxiety and indecision became crippling.  Food was my friend that didn't talk, my confidant, we became close.....35 pounds close.

I make no secret that in the past, I only lost weight because of a nasty comment, always from a man.  I know something is right with Crush because my binging has lessened, not increased, since he came into my life.  He thinks I am beautiful and tells me often, he is not afraid to sincerely tell me how he feels and how he hopes the future will play out.  Swoon.  I feel safe with him and this blanket of positivity and reliability is exactly the thing that was missing in all of my other past relationships.  Oh, yeah, he is also not a liar or an asshole.

Lately, I am still struggling with the food, but not in my typical way (binging in private).  Lately, I am simply struggling with the everyday holiday stuff like cookies, lunches and dinners with friends, and crowded classes at the gym (I do give credit to all the college freshman girls back in town trying to rid themselves of the Freshman 15....I have so been there).  I feel like slowly, but surely, my relationship with food is normalizing, now that my life is in a better place.  I remember once hearing that sex is the barometer of a relationship.....if you are never doing it, there could be some trouble in paradise.....this is exactly how I feel about my binge eating issues....I binge when my life is out of control and I eat normally when I am happy.  My relationship with binging and food in general represents how happy I am with my life.

This week, I have tracked everything and some days weren't so pretty.  There has been some queso dip, cookies, and an entire bread basket at one of my favorite restaurants, but instead of giving up, I wrote it all down, ate better at other meals and perhaps on Monday there may still be a loss.  We will see.  If there isn't, next week will be better.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.

I am ready to do this once and for all.  16 years after really starting with the dieting, I am ready.  I am going to do this for life, for real, for ME.  Not for a man, not in retaliation of a nasty comment, not for my wardrobe....I am going to do this for me!

I don't need the extra layer to protect me anymore, I shed that skin like a snake already.

35 pounds is not going to define me.

I am excited to become more in touch with myself as the pounds come off.  With each and every pound lost, I always feel vulnerable and I think I am finally open and mature enough to deal with my feelings as I make my journey down to goal.

For 2013, I am going to beat the food issues for life,  I simply feel ready.

Commitment

Oy....this is hard to admit, but I have actually put on 5 pounds!

It isn't because of the holidays, treats in the office, or attending tons of parties like many this time of year...it's simply because I am not committed.

I want to lose weight, I really do.  27 more pounds to be exact, but I don't have the fire, the dedication, the for lack of better words...OBSESSION, that makes it possible for me to lose weight.  I do well all day and then around 4:00 pm, "the fuck it monster" settles in my brain and tells me that I am hungry and then I do stupid impulsive things like eat an entire medium pizza by myself (true story occurred last night, I had a breakthrough and tracked it because it did indeed happen!).

So where do things stand for me and my food issues now?

Well, they are still around, the issues I mean, but the binging is conscious and present and becoming this separation from need and want.  I used to NEED To binge.  Like chemically, I had to stuff my face with food.  Now, I just want to because it makes me feel safe and it is a habit, a bad one at that, but it's familiar.  Binging feels like a nap to me, warm, secure, an escape in every sense.

Now that my love tank is no longer empty (I today stole that from Vicki from the Real Housewives of Orange Country who had a very low love tank when she was with Donn)...because of Crush, my need to fill myself up is less manic.  I simply love the taste and relaxation that comes with the mindless eating, but it is not something that I must do.

Currently, the pending issue is that in the back of my mind, I kinda know that food is the ultimate reward, like if I complete something I must do, I can have that cookie!  Bad, bad, bad.

What now?  Well, I plan to track EVERYTHING!  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the WTF.  I just want to see it all.  So what if I eat 4 times my daily calorie target? I just want to see it, to own it, and to then deal with the reality of my choices, loses or gains. Because if I am actually doing it, there is no point hiding from it.  There is no point being sad when jeans don't button or dresses don't fit.  The food is ending up in my mouth because I put it there.

I am the only person feeding myself and it is on me to make the changes, if I want the results.

More to come on this of course!

Excess

This past year, I have made a conscious effort to eat better.  Of course I am still binging.  But, I have decided to eat more naturally.  Real cream, real sugar, real eggs, real soda, real satisfaction.

This was the way I was raised.  I love fruits and veggies.  I feel satisfied when I eat whole foods, but I don't always eat like this.  I want to, but old habits die hard.  Splenda is always around and the yellow packers are so enticing, fro yo stores are abundant, Diet Coke at restaurants sometimes tastes so yummy and refreshing.

So, let me tell you what I have been enjoying lately and in return, I have been binging a ton less, even though this week doesn't truly reflect that....

1. Real Coke.  LOVE me regular Coke.  Nothing beats it.  1 a day.  I would rather have it than any sweet.  1.  I have been drinking a ton of soda water with lemon and lime because I don't always love water, but water with bubbles is fun.  I have my coffee, my 1 Coke, and then tons of soda water.  I have been peeing up a storm.

2.  Real ice cream.  I like me the real stuff.  I was a huge fan of frozen yogurt and then all of a sudden I realized, "why am I eating this....it tastes like chemicals....oh yeah, it's because I don't feel guilty for covering it in candy because I mean, it's YOGURT!"  Yes, I fell into this trap.  I covered chemically tasting yogurt with Snickers, cookie dough, donuts, and hot fudge.  So, I basically would eat 1,000 calories of chemicals and candy when I could have, in theory, enjoyed a huge bowl of REAL ice cream which I love and don't need to cover in candy.  Think about it.  Real ice cream also doesn't have chemicals in it.

3.  Real sugar.  I guess this falls into the real soda category, perhaps, but real sugar has 15 or so calories per teaspoon, so it's really not that big of a deal.  Lately, I have been having my morning coffee with 3 teaspoons of sugar (1 tablespoon, 45 calories) and 2 tablespoons of half and half (40 calories).  It is the best 85 calories I have ALL day and it is so much more satisfying that Splenda and skim milk (gag!).

4.  Real potato chips.  I love the individual bags of Lays potato chips. I can't keep family size bags around the house and I will say baked chips are not fun.  They are okay, but they don't pack the greasy crunch I need.  One of these bags is good for me, if I pair it with some protein (like a turkey sandwich) and a real Coke (1), and then I am TOTALLY satisfied.

5.  Real butter.  I used to be so guilty of spraying the shit out of innocent veggies, bread products, and popcorn with fake butter spray. Hell, the truth hurts.  I used to spray that crap directly into my mouth in my moments of great desperation....it's FULL of chemicals and actually not that good for you.  I just use real butter now, it's not that big of a deal and it's perhaps the most delicious invention EVER.

I started getting this fear lately that fake sugar and chemicals may give me kids with 5 eyes and just a few years ago, I drank 6+ cans of diet soda a day and sprayed my toast with fake butter spray and then sprinkled it with Splenda (Weightwatchers cinnamon toast!), so it is time to cut the chemicals and not grow a tail from all the preservatives.

Eating Update

So, hmmmmm, it has been terrible around here.  Not good, BAD.  But, I am okay with this.  I am awful with transition.  I realize this.  I know what I am doing, so that is actually a step for me.  The brain/hunger connection is actually working.  Whether I decide to listen, well, that is another story.

Today, after my 11:00 am bowl of ice cream, I thought, WTF are you doing?  Seriously!?  Yes, I started new birth control and I have had my period for 1 week, yes, I am tired and overwhelmed from my trip and the fact that I plan to move away from the state I have called off and on for the better part of 20 years home, yes, I have a sore throat and want to put things in my mouth to make me feel better....it's all true.

But, but, well, I am better than this.  I deserve my prettiest dresses back, my not have to try on 100 outfits to find a good one, to know that all my bikinis will look awesome on the southern shores in due time, I know I can do this.  I want to do this.  I want to do this for me, but also, for the man I love.  Not because he gives one shit about any part of my body other than my heart and mind (this is true, he has told me this), but because I want to live a long time for him and our future babies and I have to get healthy now and incorporate great habits now, when I have time to be selfish, so it is the time NOW!

Today, I got on Lose It and started a new account.  I put in my goals and get this, I will get there on my 32nd birthday if I follow the plan....kismet in my mind, kind of like how my life has been these days.  I plan to do this one day at a time and not get myself all overwhelmed.  I have gotten everything I have wanted just by believing in myself, I know I can do this, too.  This time it will be for real.

I also have a bunch of other personal and work goals that need to be worked out before I leave here in 10 months.  I have lots to do, but, I can't wait!  I am putting a big bow on my experience in this city and more than anything on my 20's!  The last year I was really living in a personal self-improvement bubble, so it doesn't exactly count.  I had to come home again to get the support I needed.  Where there is a will, there is a way.  I learned this and I will continue to remember it.

Sweet dreams!

Not Good

Alright....coming clean.  This week has been terrible eating-wise.  Seriously, the worst week in a long time.  I returned one week ago from a few heavenly days with Crush and since then, I have been a bottomless pit.  Ice cream, pizza, a hot dog, onion rings, peanut butter, pasta, sour cream and onion chips, brownies, cookie, McDonalds, cheese....so not good in every way.  It's not even that the food is junky, which it is, it's the fact that I don't even want the food.  It's a mindless immediate need to fill this hole, this hunger.  I am not ignoring it this time.  I want to figure this out, I don't want to get swept up in this tidal wave of want again because really, inside, I am actually satisfied.  I had one of the most delicious apples of my life yesterday and I thought to myself, "this apple is really amazing" and then I ate tons of chips afterwards until I almost puked....WHY?

Things I am proud of, I only ate 4 pieces of Halloween candy, that is a plus....but, I did eat half of a bag of chocolate chips...hahahaha.  No, I seriously did.  I should have just had a few more fun size Snickers...weirdo I am.

So, where is this hunger coming from?  It's a really good question and one I am thinking about non-stop.....I think a lot of it has to do with transition as I have mentioned before.  I eat through transitions....college, quarter-life crisis, new relationships, break-ups, fights with friends.  Food has always soothed me, distracted me, offered me an immediate release.  I am not going to let it win again, I have to beat this!!!!!

I am scared.  I feel so lucky that Crush is in my life.  Pinch me good, really.  He is the BEST.  I am a smitten kitten.  I don't think I have ever been in love before now, it makes me a bit sad, actually.  It's so real, it's scary.  I have an awful way of going about things sometimes.  I think way past the situation at hand.  I daydream past the kisses we will have next week when we see each other again and I obsess about weddings and babies and then I panic and then I eat.  I must stay present.  I must stay in the moment.  I am self-sabotaging.  I am getting myself so wrapped up in a fantasy that I am not enjoying the good fortune.  I can see this, so at least that is progress, right?!  I have this fucked up way of dealing with the opposite sex because I have always been called fat by boys, by men.  I love to be told I am beautiful, but I want the outside to not matter at all.  I'm such a hypocrite.  I know I am. I want to be told I am gorgeous, but I want no one to care about how I look.  Fucked up.

When I am told I am attractive, it triggers me to eat.  Yesterday, the old man at my eye doctor told me I was stunning and then I went to McDonalds.  Today, the lanky college guy at Starbucks gave me a grande instead of a tall because he liked my glasses (I complimented his, too) and then I got fro yo with tons of toppings that tasted like chemicals and I didn't like it and I scraped the bottom on the cup nonetheless.  I don't think I am this sex bomb, I think I look happy because I am in love, so I must be giving off a vibe...but, well, compliments trigger me.  Cray cray, I am.  Oy, I must love myself.  I have worked hard to accept all of me and love every inch...every lump and bump and imperfection and then, well, then, I don't treat myself, my soul, nicely.  I am being so hateful to myself, the person I need to love up 24-7.

In an effort to not regain my weight loss, tomorrow, I am back to tracking, I know it is the way I can be accountable.  I am also going to learn how to just accept a compliment.  The truth is that I love to give a compliment and I mean every single one I give.

It's time for me to be able to accept one.

Why Do I Overeat?

I was texting with one of my BFFs this morning about overeating and tracking and it made me think...why do I binge or even just overeat?  It is rarely, if ever, because I am hungry, we all know this....lately it has been because:

1.  I am procrastinating about work that needs to be done.

2.  I am nervous because my life is transitioning again, aka, the Crush.  I don't deal with transitions well or smoothly ever.  I am trying to be more conscious this time.

3.  I am bored and stuck at home.  Cabin fever.

4.  I am self-sabotaging.  I do this every ten pounds or so I lose.  I get cocky.  It is such a catch-22.

5.  I have a fuck it day and eat chocolate for breakfast and then give up.

6.  I don't track.

7.  I wait too long to eat and then I get too hungry to control myself.

8.  I try to quell my anxiety and inner thoughts by crunching.....always chips or crackers.

9.  I didn't sleep well, so instead of taking a nap, I munch.  I need to just take a nap.

10.  I didn't work out.  On the days I workout, I subconsciously tend to eat better.

Good news, there are solutions, easy ones actually, for these reasons....so, now I am going to reread my list and work on it!

Nervous Eating

I am super nervous about my little trip.  In an effort to quell my nerves, I am eating my feelings.  Like, just now for instance, I decided to have a late lunch and somehow ate 1,300 calories in about 15 minutes.  It was a binge.  I will admit.  It wasn't premeditated and it happened rather frantically, so now I am writing about it.

WHY did that just happen?  Let me see...most likely because I am confidant because I am in smaller clothes, people have started to comment on my progress, I have work to do that I don't feel like doing, and Crush and me continue to talk about all the fun stuff we are going to do together...Monday cannot come soon enough!  I just did a little backslide.  Three steps forward, one step back.

In terms of my calories for the day, I am still under 2,000, so just fine.  I am so glad that I just recorded my intake as I was going to eat some more before I took a break to access the damage...I was able to stop.  This is a big deal for me.  In the past, I could never stop until I seriously felt like I was going to be sick.

So, what happens now?

Nothing.

I am going to have a normal dinner if I am hungry.  I am going to the gym later.  I am going to catch up on work. I am not going to let this little set back derail me.

I get how the binging is a result of emotional anguish and not hunger.  I am feeling nervous about seeing Crush and the potential of intimacy, BUT, I am more excited and really really eager if anything.

Food is not going to solve distance, insecurity, uneasiness, or impatience.

I do feel some resolution coming soon.....one day at a time.