Have faith in yourself. Religious preferences aside.
Like Kim Zolciak (I am sure other people said it first) crooned in the Real Housewives of Atlanta opening credits, "I asked, I believed, and now I received." So true.
I know this self righteous BS may sometimes get old. I know. I am sorry. I think at times in the past, I would have even annoyed myself. I get it. I can only say this: if there is even one person I am giving hope to, for whatever reason, then that is why I share and over-share and expose all of my secrets and flaws. I found my way out of darkness, it sucked, but I did, so if I did, anyone can. Trust me. And I am still totally messed up in many ways and have good and bad days. Now, I just own my reality.
Things that would have broken me last year or even a few months ago....I am letting it roll off my back. I am amazing myself, actually. I don't get stuck on things like I used to. I don't hold grudges. I allow myself to treat every situation separately. To process it and move on. This blog is helping a lot.
While chatting with Smartie Best Friend yesterday, I vented about another work situation trending in my life and she offered the best advice, "Just get through it. Just do the best you can. Wrap things up and move on. This is like the last semester of high school. You just have to get through it and then you never have to look back." Amen.
Clients are unhappy with me. Why? Because I want to make money, I want to establish some control over my hours, and mostly, because I don't live in fear of being fired. Once it happens, you know that it isn't so bad. Life goes on, so it has helped me reestablish my brand, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I have a backbone now. When some of the currently disgruntled clients hired me last year, I didn't....I was the biggest scaredy cat wimp (I wanted to say pussy, but I am practicing how to be a proper southern lady). I was a broken mess looking for approval, acceptance, and something to do. Seriously, my anxiety would often keep me up for DAYS so I worked and binge ate to occupy my time (sexy times!). All the clients I parted with....I felt doubt about initially, even before a contract was signed. I thought of working with difficult people with unrealistic expectations and bad manners as a challenge....WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? THERE WAS NOTHING IN IT FOR ME! Well, I wanted to be giving and kind. I wanted to spread my goodness and share my gifts. I needed to be heard. I wanted to fix these people.
And up until Crush, this is how I treated every facet of my life: work, friends, love........
SIDENOTE: All of a sudden I realized (best friends who met him have shed light on this, too)....that I am dating my dad. My dad is awesome, but he annoys me because he says stupid jokes, is clumsy, and isn't great at a party...... There is no better husband, father, grandfather, or friend out there, though. My dad is ONE OF A KIND. Generous, loyal, dependable, and honest. JUST LIKE CRUSH. Yes, Crush is slob, who once almost killed me while I was driving (the seat debacle) trying to help me. But, he has a heart of gold, just like my daddy! If Crush treats me half as well as my dad treated my mom, Sissy, and me.....well, shucks, I AM LUCKY! I have decided to be less critical of him and just enjoy his goodness which is pure and sweet like tupelo honey (so many song references in today's post....George Michael...Van Morrison).
Back to the life rant:
I didn't listen to my inner voice. My instincts...I went against myself and I lost out and in some ways, compromised my reputation in this city, perhaps......
From failure comes success. I know this.
I am learning.
For more than a decade of my life, I think I was insane. I was living an insane life. I was making the SAME mistakes OVER and OVER and not learning. I was using alcohol, drugs, and my own fear of reality to cloud my actions, to validate all of the shitty things I kept doing CONSTANTLY.
BROKEN.
I spun my wheels. I over-promised and under-delivered and I made myself fat, miserable, and sad with my own self loathing.
I feel like I need to declare that Crush is awesome, but even if I was single I would be okay. I know when I started this blog I wanted to be saved by a man (and much of this post is coming true....which kind of FREAKS ME OUT!). I was so conflicted. But, in a crazy way, I saved myself without even realizing it. I found my faith in myself and I let it guide me, perhaps right to Crush because I was ready. Life would suck without Crush. SUCK. It would break me, he is my other half...but......not forever. I am my own biggest fan. I may be fat, but I just want to love myself up right now because I know that I have a heart. My insides are good. I would give someone my last cent and the coat off my back. Can everyone say that?
My dad told me he couldn't wait for me to get to Phase 2. He determines relationships like this because he is such a geeky scientist (for real)..
Phase 1: Dating
Phase 2: Engagement
Phase 3: Marriage
Phase 4: Kids
I had to tell him.....let's just wait. I am enjoying where I am right now at this very moment. This is my swan song with myself and don't rush me into the next phase to cross it off your list. He is just excited because as he says, "I am back to the real me and he missed her."
Made me cry.
Showing posts with label Lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons. Show all posts
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Perspective
Crush's brother broke up with his long-term girlfriend over the weekend.
I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match. They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important. Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up. They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating. As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.
In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!
Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?
IT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST THINGS EVER.
In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go. It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....
Everyone deserves true love. Real love. Soulmate love. This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation. This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security. This is about how a person makes you feel. I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?" If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!
Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was. I didn't have a soulful connection with myself. He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.
So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side. They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.
I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't. I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist. I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.
I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up. We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some). I will remember the positive if I ever see them. His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now. Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.
I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:
"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person. Only change yourself if you want to. Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday. Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end. I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing. You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me. You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful. You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally. I am here for you even if I can't be there for you. Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."
I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.
I am sad because I REALLY liked her so super much, but they weren't the best match. They just didn't seem like they loved each other and after being together 4 years, I think love is important. Hell, the sex and mystery have long dried up. They fought often, they seemed miserable together, and apart, I could hang out with each of them separately for hours, but together, the tension in the room was suffocating. As a couple, they reminded me SO MUCH of Awful and me, I sometimes had to go outside to get a breath of fresh air because I wanted to scream, "BREAK UP!!!!", but even I couldn't do that regardless of my non-existent filter aka my mouth.
In the past, before Awful, when someone broke up, I always thought secretly: how embarrassing, what did they do wrong, that sucks so bad.....poor poor people, but now I think, GOOD FOR YOU!
Do you know how hard it is to admit to yourself and the person that you are with, that you are unhappy?
IT IS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST THINGS EVER.
In the past, I saw breaking up as failure and now I see it as hope. Thinking about it, the same applies to the clients that have let me go. It wasn't working out and in many ways, I could never make them happy because at the end of the day, they simply didn't like or trust me the way they should have.....
Everyone deserves true love. Real love. Soulmate love. This isn't lust and this isn't infatuation. This isn't about money, prestige, sex, or security. This is about how a person makes you feel. I think an easy test to gage your love is to ask yourself, "does this person bring out my best self?" If the answer is yes (most of the time, we are all people here and therefore not perfect), then YAY for you!
Until Crush, I didn't really know who I was. I didn't have a soulful connection with myself. He allows me to be me and even though I suck sometimes, at least I am still me.
So, when you hear that someone broke up and you care about them, think on the bright side. They now have the opportunity to meet their soul mate and become their best self.
I want to send Crush's bro's ex a little email wishing her happiness and love, but I can't. I know this may be cowardly, but my loyalty has to be with Crush and his family and it is panging me a bit, but sides do exist. I learned this the hard way when Awful and I parted ways.
I now know exactly how a few people must have felt after Awful and I broke up. We shared mutual friends who probably wanted to contact me and liked me, but couldn't because they had loyalty to Awful (and he has a sailboat and I don't, so that can make him a "better friend" to some). I will remember the positive if I ever see them. His friends were just being good to Awful and I get it now. Awful does have people in his life who love and care for him and that makes me happy as much as he makes me want to personally put a fork in my eye.
I know brother's ex will never read this, but if she could, I would tell her to:
"Be who you are because you are a wonderful person. Only change yourself if you want to. Stay true to your heart and stay true to your soul and one day, you will find the one that makes you feel happy, confidant, and beautiful each and everyday. Now, get out there and experience all life has to offer because one day there will come a time that you will not be able to drink 3 stiff martinis, dance with gay male strippers, and throw up the next day without someone questioning you (like I did last Wednesday and Crush questioned me last Thursday) because that phase of your life will end. I wish you the best, the most, and the biggest and know that even if I can't see you often, I owe you a BIG thank you for accepting me when I joined the girlfriend gang and taking me under your wing. You filled me in, you helped me out, and you guided me. You told me such wonderful things about my boyfriend and how he has changed for the better since he met me and for that I will always be grateful. You are an exceptional person, so you deserve a man who treats you exceptionally. I am here for you even if I can't be there for you. Best of luck and many hugs and glasses of sauvignon blanc (we have shared bottles and bottles together in this last year!) and dance parties (she always played me great music)."
I will miss her, but I know that her best life is out there, just like mine was there waiting for me 18 months ago.
Teenage Turmoil
Today, I had many things planned. I am currently checking my list off. All of the months of tomorrow are here. There are no more tomorrows.....it is time to get things done once and for all!
I was on my way to the library to work (in order to make the weight loss stick, I have to change my spaces and working at cafes is no longer an option for me as I was using cookies as bribes to myself to finish tasks....) when I received a call from my favorite teenager, Emma, asking me to join her for lunch. Emma and I have a special bond. I babysat her from the time she was born. I spent some vacations and summers with her family. We are 15 years apart in age, but we are super similar. We like the same music, the same food, the same clothes, the same movie stars, and we are both tall and statuesque women. We have both been teased many times for being big (tall ) and fat (over a size 8 in my community), she has been called a Sasquatch, where I was called an ogre.
SIDENOTE: If I looked like her in a bikini, I would never wear clothes. Teenagers are fools. Skinny is great, but the reality is that it is not the only acceptable body type out there.
Today, Emma had a half day from school. Today, she was ditched by a group of her "friends" that she was supposed to go to lunch with.
When she called me, I could hear the hurt in her voice. I know this very feeling. The way your heart can ache. The burn you get in your throat trying to hold back the tears and smile through it. The emptiness and anxiety that clouds your brain. I didn't hesitate for a moment. "Let's meet for lunch, anywhere you want, my treat."
As she sobbed into her burrito, I held her hand and told her all the things I WISH someone would have said to me. I shared, "It is only high school, none of this matters, seriously. Study and focus on you and college is all about starting over. Girls are mean. This town is tough. Mean girls grow into mean ladies and you are better than this. Be yourself and be true to your heart. If someone hurts you, then cross them off your list. Be kind to them, but don't trust them. There is more to life than this silly suburb. Grades first and then off to college being the girl you want to be."
When I moved back home with my folks a year and a half ago, my anxiety spiraled out of control. All of my best laid plans didn't exist anymore and I was lonely, embarrassed, and really uncomfortable. I hated high school. I had left this suburb at 18 years old and besides 6 weeks that I lived at home in between finishing college and starting my first real job, I never lived in the town I spent the later part of my childhood. Because I HATED it. Because I HATED the people. Because being home meant being reminded of the hurt and despair I felt in high school.
I have been hiding out for 18 months. That was hard to admit, but it is the truth. I don't go places I think I may see anyone from my past because I don't want to face it. I am almost ready to share one of my lowest moments to date regarding an absolute explosion of work and life that happened in September, but I am still processing it. I am still aching from it. It will be coming soon......I promise.
BUT, the rainbow in this (shit) storm of breaking up with Awful AND moving home was reconnecting with Emma. She was starting her sophomore year of high school when I moved back and she was going through lots of the same angst I had lived through at the very same high school. We started bonding over shared experiences and the advice I could give at age 30 was more relevant to her than anything her parents were sharing, even if it was mostly the same. Emma started helping me with my work, excelling at school, and last night was even inducted into The National Honors Society. Her parents tell me I gave her this confidence and I believe it. Her life turned around when I came home. I can't think of a better compliment and I do think our reconnection was meant to be.
Being close to Emma allows me to press the reset button a bit. To live vicariously through a young gal who may have ended up in a pit of self doubt, self hate, and low self esteem like me, but didn't. She picked right when I chose left at that fork in the road and she is making better decisions at 17 than I ever did. She has helped me put closure on high school. On the 4 years of my life I wish I could do over. On the time that I picked popularity over everything else.....and it only got me right back home at age 30 with only 1 real friend from high school.
Over the weekend, Crush was looking through old photos and stumbled upon a few of my high school friends. Even though I explained previously, that high school wasn't my favorite time, he was curious about them, wanted to know what they were up to, and wasn't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. After continuing to ask me several questions about them, I finally snapped, "I have no idea, they are all crazy bitches...." Indeed, by my reaction, I was the only crazy bitch.
But, there is a part of me that is still a bit angry. I was such a cool person then. I was also innocent. I had no idea of my potential and I closed a few doors in the process because I didn't believe in myself. Because I listened and took very seriously the critiques thrown my way: fat, stupid, annoying, and ugly. I even believed I was a slut and a possible lesbian because the girls in my grade told me I was even though I didn't have any real sexual experiences until after high school and never thought of girls as anything, but friends.
The things I was accused of, they weren't true and the way I felt I had to act, that wasn't me.
As I munched on my salad today, I told Emma a piece of advice that I hope stays with her:
"Nothing now really matters unless you let it. I let people hurt me, I allowed myself to be broken by girls I never really respected. I wasted so many years of my life being angry. Please do what you can to not end up like me, to not end up hateful of things that happened half a lifetime ago. If you don't like the game, don't play it. In 1 year (she is graduating early), none of this matters, so in the meantime, become yourself. Crack your shell open and be the person your truly are inside."
I have a feeling that she will listen.
Now, I have to follow my own advice.
I have to close these doors and lock them and not take any past issues with me down South.
I deserve better, just like Emma.
I was on my way to the library to work (in order to make the weight loss stick, I have to change my spaces and working at cafes is no longer an option for me as I was using cookies as bribes to myself to finish tasks....) when I received a call from my favorite teenager, Emma, asking me to join her for lunch. Emma and I have a special bond. I babysat her from the time she was born. I spent some vacations and summers with her family. We are 15 years apart in age, but we are super similar. We like the same music, the same food, the same clothes, the same movie stars, and we are both tall and statuesque women. We have both been teased many times for being big (tall ) and fat (over a size 8 in my community), she has been called a Sasquatch, where I was called an ogre.
SIDENOTE: If I looked like her in a bikini, I would never wear clothes. Teenagers are fools. Skinny is great, but the reality is that it is not the only acceptable body type out there.
Today, Emma had a half day from school. Today, she was ditched by a group of her "friends" that she was supposed to go to lunch with.
When she called me, I could hear the hurt in her voice. I know this very feeling. The way your heart can ache. The burn you get in your throat trying to hold back the tears and smile through it. The emptiness and anxiety that clouds your brain. I didn't hesitate for a moment. "Let's meet for lunch, anywhere you want, my treat."
As she sobbed into her burrito, I held her hand and told her all the things I WISH someone would have said to me. I shared, "It is only high school, none of this matters, seriously. Study and focus on you and college is all about starting over. Girls are mean. This town is tough. Mean girls grow into mean ladies and you are better than this. Be yourself and be true to your heart. If someone hurts you, then cross them off your list. Be kind to them, but don't trust them. There is more to life than this silly suburb. Grades first and then off to college being the girl you want to be."
When I moved back home with my folks a year and a half ago, my anxiety spiraled out of control. All of my best laid plans didn't exist anymore and I was lonely, embarrassed, and really uncomfortable. I hated high school. I had left this suburb at 18 years old and besides 6 weeks that I lived at home in between finishing college and starting my first real job, I never lived in the town I spent the later part of my childhood. Because I HATED it. Because I HATED the people. Because being home meant being reminded of the hurt and despair I felt in high school.
I have been hiding out for 18 months. That was hard to admit, but it is the truth. I don't go places I think I may see anyone from my past because I don't want to face it. I am almost ready to share one of my lowest moments to date regarding an absolute explosion of work and life that happened in September, but I am still processing it. I am still aching from it. It will be coming soon......I promise.
BUT, the rainbow in this (shit) storm of breaking up with Awful AND moving home was reconnecting with Emma. She was starting her sophomore year of high school when I moved back and she was going through lots of the same angst I had lived through at the very same high school. We started bonding over shared experiences and the advice I could give at age 30 was more relevant to her than anything her parents were sharing, even if it was mostly the same. Emma started helping me with my work, excelling at school, and last night was even inducted into The National Honors Society. Her parents tell me I gave her this confidence and I believe it. Her life turned around when I came home. I can't think of a better compliment and I do think our reconnection was meant to be.
Being close to Emma allows me to press the reset button a bit. To live vicariously through a young gal who may have ended up in a pit of self doubt, self hate, and low self esteem like me, but didn't. She picked right when I chose left at that fork in the road and she is making better decisions at 17 than I ever did. She has helped me put closure on high school. On the 4 years of my life I wish I could do over. On the time that I picked popularity over everything else.....and it only got me right back home at age 30 with only 1 real friend from high school.
Over the weekend, Crush was looking through old photos and stumbled upon a few of my high school friends. Even though I explained previously, that high school wasn't my favorite time, he was curious about them, wanted to know what they were up to, and wasn't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. After continuing to ask me several questions about them, I finally snapped, "I have no idea, they are all crazy bitches...." Indeed, by my reaction, I was the only crazy bitch.
But, there is a part of me that is still a bit angry. I was such a cool person then. I was also innocent. I had no idea of my potential and I closed a few doors in the process because I didn't believe in myself. Because I listened and took very seriously the critiques thrown my way: fat, stupid, annoying, and ugly. I even believed I was a slut and a possible lesbian because the girls in my grade told me I was even though I didn't have any real sexual experiences until after high school and never thought of girls as anything, but friends.
The things I was accused of, they weren't true and the way I felt I had to act, that wasn't me.
As I munched on my salad today, I told Emma a piece of advice that I hope stays with her:
"Nothing now really matters unless you let it. I let people hurt me, I allowed myself to be broken by girls I never really respected. I wasted so many years of my life being angry. Please do what you can to not end up like me, to not end up hateful of things that happened half a lifetime ago. If you don't like the game, don't play it. In 1 year (she is graduating early), none of this matters, so in the meantime, become yourself. Crack your shell open and be the person your truly are inside."
I have a feeling that she will listen.
Now, I have to follow my own advice.
I have to close these doors and lock them and not take any past issues with me down South.
I deserve better, just like Emma.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Can't We ALL Just Get Along
I love other ladies. Not in a sexual way, but I do get a deep girl crush from time to time. I see the appeal in the fairer sex.
I am not a hater of my kind. Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it. Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.
One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition. He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services. This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.
Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality. When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect. You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.
Please don't confuse this with negativity. It is the opposite. This is ownership. This is pulling the veil off of life. A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man. Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired. Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.
Now, time for a rant.
I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow. Want to know why? Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL. You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life. Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.
In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me. If you are up for it, share a few about you!
1. I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.
2. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have stretch marks on my lower tummy. I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.
3. I have a big vagina. I have big labia. I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina. I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"
4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college. I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year). It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work. A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.
5. I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk. He was a friend of a friend. I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me. I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall. How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months). As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me. The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.
6. I binge eat and have since I was 8. My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
7. I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.
8. I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to. I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.
9. I have an anger problem. When I was younger, it was bad. Temper tantrums. Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist. It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving. At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering." The rage I felt at that moment was white hot. I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge. This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor. Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too. They used to hit my Sissy and me. The way to end a fight in my home is to break something. Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.
10. If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian. I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit. Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.
AND DISCUSS.....
I am not a hater of my kind. Yes, I have battled jealously and I am open about it. Sometimes the wave of WANT comes across me so quickly, I don't even know it is happening until I lose my focus and can only see my friend's perfect ass in her $200.00 years, my sister's beautiful newborn, my client's brand new car and house....BUT, everyone gets their own happiness and their own turn and I have learned (through lots of therapy and self reflection) to just chill it out, worry about myself, and live my life for me.
One of the best pieces of advice I have received lately, came from a vendor in my business who told me that he has no real idea of his competition. He doesn't waste his time too much on social media or stalking out people who also offer his same category of services. This helps him through life because he makes his own rules, his own goals, and his own paths Organically, he is different because he isn't worrying about being like everyone else and this makes him successful....his own authenticity is his brand.
Sometimes I get really annoyed when people can't own up to reality. When women can't share their truth because they need to be perfect. You all know that I don't believe in perfection and coming to terms with this has been the best thing I have EVER done for myself. I hate when ladies cannot admit a little weakness.....like that having a newborn is tiring, that dieting leaves you wanting, that being in a relationship isn't always peachy keen and rainbows and sunshine.
Please don't confuse this with negativity. It is the opposite. This is ownership. This is pulling the veil off of life. A gal should be able to ugly cry to her friend because she wants a baby and a man. Then when she gets both of these things, she should be able to ugly cry again because her baby and her man both won't shut up and she is tired. Hell, ask some of my besties....they have seen it all from me.
Now, time for a rant.
I love reading blogs and I LOVE each and every blog I follow. Want to know why? Because each and every one of you in your own way are REAL. You have ups and downs, struggles and successes, you take the time to show the full range, the perspective. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine, just like life. Sometimes I want to like a blog because it is popular, but the baby always sleeps 15 hours a night, the oatmeal 101 different ways is always YUMMY, and the workout is always the BEST EVER and I call a bluff...tell it to me straight sister, or don't tell me at all.
In honor of being real, I share with you 10 honest and true facts about me. If you are up for it, share a few about you!
1. I wet the bed pretty regularly until I was 13.
2. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have stretch marks on my lower tummy. I fear that when I one day get pregnant, they will spread and I won't be able to wear a bikini and for me wearing a bikini is such freedom because I didn't wear one until I was 21 because of all of my weight issues.
3. I have a big vagina. I have big labia. I know this is a current hot topic, but I do and it used to make me really insecure even though I have actually received many vagina related compliments from men....secret: straight men LOVE ALL KINDS of vagina. I remember the first time I realized my vagina could be different was when one of my college friends got naked when drunk and I really looked at hers and thought, "Shit! mine looks NOTHING like that!"
4. It took me 5 years to graduate from college. I almost flunked out my sophomore year of college because I was so lost, drunk, and depressed (even though in the moment, it was a pretty fun year). It wasn't until I went borderline anorexic at age 20 while on WeightWatchers and lost 30 pounds in 3 months did I realize that most goals can be attainable (not all, most) with focus, determination, and hard work. A person who almost flunked out of college ended up graduating with a 3.4 GPA.
5. I had sex with a person 2 times and remember neither of them because I was so blacked out drunk. He was a friend of a friend. I know I put myself in the situation and all, but sometimes I believe that he took major advantage of me. I sometimes wish I could see what occurred, be a fly on the wall. How did I allow it to happen a second time when I felt so angry, ugly, and betrayed when I woke up the first time (the 2 occurrences were separated by a few months). As I have sought better clarity of my issues, this is one that has been coming forward and it scares me. The darkness and danger I used to put myself in.
6. I binge eat and have since I was 8. My trigger foods are cereal, crackers, chips, and bread. It will be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.
7. I believe in ghosts and I have seen them.
8. I accused Crush of having Asperger's (nothing wrong with that, but he doesn't) because he is terrible at casual conversation and in the moment forgets what he is saying and asks people questions he knows the answers to. I was one of the meanest things I have done in a while.
9. I have an anger problem. When I was younger, it was bad. Temper tantrums. Now, I can control it, but one night when I was drunk a few years ago, I hit Awful very hard with my fist. It was after we had a dinner party which I had arranged in honor of his friends and spent all day cooking, decorating, and serving. At 2:00 am in the morning while I was cleaning up, he told me that the outfit I was wearing that night was a "fat girl outfit and that it was highly unflattering." The rage I felt at that moment was white hot. I lunged at him before I knew what I was doing.....I wanted to hurt him more than just a punch, I had to resist the urge. This is the single reason that I no longer allow myself to get out of control with the liquor. Both of my parents as sweet and as lovely as they are, have anger problems, too. They used to hit my Sissy and me. The way to end a fight in my home is to break something. Once the glass shatters, the make up process begins.
10. If I could be anything in the world, it would be a famous comedian. I sometimes wish I would have honed my skills a bit more and actually pursued it for a bit. Tina Fey and Chelsea Handler are 2 of my idols.
AND DISCUSS.....
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Opera Man
Do you remember Opera Man on Saturday Night Live? (Sheesh......Lorne Michaels, share your SNL clips!).
Adam Sandler sang the news in a goofy childlike way without finishing his words fully and everyone loved it, including me.
I love me some Adam Sandler, but not as much as Andy Samberg. But, aren't they the same (yummy, hilarious, singing men...so ugly they are HOT) just Adam is 1.0 and Andy is 2.0?
Yup, that is what I thought.....
So, a few weeks ago when Crush was up visiting Sissy and company, Crush and I took Big Baby out for the day. The three of us had lunch, ice cream, went to the park (Big Baby LOVES the swings), and then an indoor jungle gym of sorts which had really random stuff like light tag and a moon jump. I think I had more fun than Crush and BB did....I am young at heart.
This was the first time Crush was with BB without my mom or Sissy and he was somewhat in awe of my babysitting skills. He asked me: "How do you know how to get BB in and out of the car seat? How do you know how to cut BB's food up like that? How do you know all of those kid's songs? How to you know how to change a diaper? How do you know how to play like that?"
It was very cute.
My answer was: "Because it isn't that hard. I use common sense. I am not scared of little ones. I was a camp counselor. I was a nanny. I had regular babysitting jobs (one of my former babies is now 17 and is one of my best friends and will be in my wedding one day, Crush has met her). I was a lifeguard. I taught swim lessons. I have younger cousins. I took acting classes. I like being silly. My mom is the baby whisperer and handles a doodie diaper and a crying child like no one's business (half of the reason why BB's nightly scream order is, "Mommy!, Nanny! (my mom), Daddy!, Elmo! (too cute for words)."
Crush and I have had different lives and pasts. Some would consider my life charmed (I grew up wanted, my parents are still married, my dad paid for my college and will pay for my wedding....I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM!), but I always had a job. From the time I was 12 and watched the 17 year old's I mentioned above, older sissy, I have worked. I had after school jobs, weekend jobs, and summer jobs. From 7th grade until now, work has simply been a part of my life and because of work, I have learned how to do many things I wouldn't have otherwise, like how to clean vomit out of a urinal (waitressing at a bar), how to wash towels (manager at a pool), and how to change and bathe a baby after they have had a total diaper blowout (babysitting).
Crush had never worked before his adult job now. He grew up with full-time help. Live in maids and then separate people who cooked. He went to prep school for high school and left him home truly at 15. His family is wealthier than mine, but you would NEVER know it by meeting Crush. He is frugal. With a capital F.
His lack of spending, doesn't bother me because I would rather leave something for my future family than waste every penny on mindless things now....but, sometimes I wonder....how did you get to be in your 30's without knowing how to cook, clean, or even tip (I once caught him leaving $3.00 on a $50.00 check WHERE we experienced great food and fantastic service)?
The reality is that no one taught him and he never learned from experience.
Unlike me, he never worked at a restaurant and learned that you make money from tips and tips alone for the most part....(he thought servers got paid well hourly...?). Our pasts are different.
Yet, I don't speak a second language like Crush does. I also don't know how to play the bass, acoustic guitar, or piano like my love. And let's not forget that I have no idea how to save, play the stock market, or how to invest. We really do balance each other out. We both bring equal experience and knowledge into our common bond. It is really neat.
While Crush and I were playing with BB, he kept talking like Opera Man (well, Opera's Man's one eyed cousin). It was slightly terrifying BB. As BB climbed into my arms for safety, Crush caught wind of the diss.
He asked me, "Does BB not like me?"
I replied, "BB loves you. The thing is, kids are like dogs. They sense things. BB can probably just tell that you don't know how to do the same things I know how to do yet, but when you show BB you can do them, then you will see, BB will come around. Maybe stop talking like Opera Man to start and just speak in your normal voice. Baby voices are cute and fun sometimes, but kids respond well to adult voices, too."
As the afternoon wore on, I showed Crush how to change a diaper, how to warm BB's milk cup, how to put BB in the car seat, and how to get on BB's coat, hat, and mittens. By the time we got home, Crush and BB held hands as he took BB inside. It was real sweet. My Sissy was VERY impressed. It takes a lot for BB to warm up to people, especially to men as BB is around ladies most of the time.
It showed me that everything is teachable and everything can be learned.
You just need 2 willing parties.
Adam Sandler sang the news in a goofy childlike way without finishing his words fully and everyone loved it, including me.
I love me some Adam Sandler, but not as much as Andy Samberg. But, aren't they the same (yummy, hilarious, singing men...so ugly they are HOT) just Adam is 1.0 and Andy is 2.0?
Yup, that is what I thought.....
So, a few weeks ago when Crush was up visiting Sissy and company, Crush and I took Big Baby out for the day. The three of us had lunch, ice cream, went to the park (Big Baby LOVES the swings), and then an indoor jungle gym of sorts which had really random stuff like light tag and a moon jump. I think I had more fun than Crush and BB did....I am young at heart.
This was the first time Crush was with BB without my mom or Sissy and he was somewhat in awe of my babysitting skills. He asked me: "How do you know how to get BB in and out of the car seat? How do you know how to cut BB's food up like that? How do you know all of those kid's songs? How to you know how to change a diaper? How do you know how to play like that?"
It was very cute.
My answer was: "Because it isn't that hard. I use common sense. I am not scared of little ones. I was a camp counselor. I was a nanny. I had regular babysitting jobs (one of my former babies is now 17 and is one of my best friends and will be in my wedding one day, Crush has met her). I was a lifeguard. I taught swim lessons. I have younger cousins. I took acting classes. I like being silly. My mom is the baby whisperer and handles a doodie diaper and a crying child like no one's business (half of the reason why BB's nightly scream order is, "Mommy!, Nanny! (my mom), Daddy!, Elmo! (too cute for words)."
Crush and I have had different lives and pasts. Some would consider my life charmed (I grew up wanted, my parents are still married, my dad paid for my college and will pay for my wedding....I KNOW HOW LUCKY I AM!), but I always had a job. From the time I was 12 and watched the 17 year old's I mentioned above, older sissy, I have worked. I had after school jobs, weekend jobs, and summer jobs. From 7th grade until now, work has simply been a part of my life and because of work, I have learned how to do many things I wouldn't have otherwise, like how to clean vomit out of a urinal (waitressing at a bar), how to wash towels (manager at a pool), and how to change and bathe a baby after they have had a total diaper blowout (babysitting).
Crush had never worked before his adult job now. He grew up with full-time help. Live in maids and then separate people who cooked. He went to prep school for high school and left him home truly at 15. His family is wealthier than mine, but you would NEVER know it by meeting Crush. He is frugal. With a capital F.
His lack of spending, doesn't bother me because I would rather leave something for my future family than waste every penny on mindless things now....but, sometimes I wonder....how did you get to be in your 30's without knowing how to cook, clean, or even tip (I once caught him leaving $3.00 on a $50.00 check WHERE we experienced great food and fantastic service)?
The reality is that no one taught him and he never learned from experience.
Unlike me, he never worked at a restaurant and learned that you make money from tips and tips alone for the most part....(he thought servers got paid well hourly...?). Our pasts are different.
Yet, I don't speak a second language like Crush does. I also don't know how to play the bass, acoustic guitar, or piano like my love. And let's not forget that I have no idea how to save, play the stock market, or how to invest. We really do balance each other out. We both bring equal experience and knowledge into our common bond. It is really neat.
While Crush and I were playing with BB, he kept talking like Opera Man (well, Opera's Man's one eyed cousin). It was slightly terrifying BB. As BB climbed into my arms for safety, Crush caught wind of the diss.
He asked me, "Does BB not like me?"
I replied, "BB loves you. The thing is, kids are like dogs. They sense things. BB can probably just tell that you don't know how to do the same things I know how to do yet, but when you show BB you can do them, then you will see, BB will come around. Maybe stop talking like Opera Man to start and just speak in your normal voice. Baby voices are cute and fun sometimes, but kids respond well to adult voices, too."
As the afternoon wore on, I showed Crush how to change a diaper, how to warm BB's milk cup, how to put BB in the car seat, and how to get on BB's coat, hat, and mittens. By the time we got home, Crush and BB held hands as he took BB inside. It was real sweet. My Sissy was VERY impressed. It takes a lot for BB to warm up to people, especially to men as BB is around ladies most of the time.
It showed me that everything is teachable and everything can be learned.
You just need 2 willing parties.
Monday, March 4, 2013
OCD
Obsessive compulsive disorder.
Did you all see Girls last night? Oy. Another similarity I have with Hannah, though mine never got as bad as hers....with all the touching herself on a loop....but I am sure it could have.
Hannah's number is 8, mine is 10.
I wasn't OCD in all areas of my life. But, I was in some.
I first noticed my OCD tendencies when I moved to the Midwest and every night after I was tucked into bed (I was babied and tucked in until I was at least 11) I climbed out of bed and stood in front of the closed closet and put my hands on the sliding wood doors and counted to 10. Often I did this ritual 3-4 times. Until it felt right. Until I could get back into bed and know that any monsters that were hiding in the closet to hurt me were blocked by the shield of my counting. I did this until I went away to college.
Another ritual was making sure my belly button was covered under multiple layers when I slept. This included night clothes and blankets and my hands. I also counted to 10 covering my belly button until I fell asleep.
As I got older, my new rituals became 3 very specific ones: making sure the stove and oven were off, making sure the front door was locked (when I was leaving and when I was inside before bed), and making sure the hair iron/curing iron were off.
Typically I tested these things by:
Turning the door knob 10 times multiple times until it felt right. Sometimes I would do this 20-30 cycles, and miss my bus to work because I couldn't get out the door.
The stove was a big one for me. I lived with roommates off and on in college and in my 20's and once in a while I would come home to the stove being left on and it would get me going like nothing else. I would simply panic that everything could have burned, innocent people could have died at my stove's expense, and I would have to live with the horrible blame that I may have hurt someone. I never knew if it was me or a roommate that may have made the innocent mistake and it didn't even matter to me. What mattered is that it was up to me to control the stove. I would stand over it and touch all 4 burners repeatedly and count to 10 before I left and sometimes this could take up to 10 minutes until it felt right. Many times I opted to cook in the microwave and avoid the stove entirely.
The hair iron fear started after I watched an episode of Friend's when Rachel burns down Phoebe's apartment with her hair iron (it wasn't Phoebe's candles...it was Rachel's hair iron!). Back in the day, these hair appliances didn't have the automatic turnoff that most of them do now. I would make sure that all of the beauty machines were unplugged from the electrical jacks and then I would rub my hands over the outlets while I counted to ten. Time and time again.
Every roommate I lived with eventually got a boyfriend and started spending less and less time at home and this was not always the relief that comes with lots of extra space and privacy for free.........as then I knew that I was the sole responsibility when it came to the door, the stove, and the hair iron. As a people pleaser, I was okay if my stuff got ruined. I had my own renters insurance and I knew my folks could bail me out if I really needed them to help me. It was living with other people that sometimes made me nervous as I would NEVER want to be the one that ruined something that belonged to someone else.
My best years in my 20's were when I lived alone in 805 square feet of parquet wood bliss. Up high on the 27th floor with a slight view and respectful neighbors in their 40's, 50's, 60's, and 80's. I loved this apartment and only gave it up to move in with Awful as he promised me conversion and marriage if I did and as you know, that never came.
Living with Awful stressed me out and triggered my OCD like no other as he lived in a beautiful home that his trust fund bought him next to very undesirable neighbors. He drank often and was constantly sloppy with his actions and super forgetful. I once woke up in the middle of the night to the front door and gate left completely open after he came home sloshed and had passed out on the downstairs couch. His neighbors were not the Brady Bunch......my fear intensified so badly, sometimes when he went out, I pushed a dresser in front of the bedroom door to make sure that I would be woken up if and when he got home and tried to get into the bedroom, so I could check all the doors again..if not, I would be safe in the room alone....how I wanted to sleep anyway....without his snoring next to me.....Amelia Bedelia's recollection of events and instructions seemed photographic compared to Awful's.
One of the biggest issues with Crush is that he blamed me for everything and this triggered my OCD. He would act all easy going and casual in front of friends and family, but if anyone came over to his place and spilled or broke anything, he would play it off so cool in front of guests and them ream me and insult me for hours over it.....he would want to know "how could people be so disrespectful?", "how could YOU allow that to happen?", "YOU should pay for the damage for not handling the situation better and btw, those were your friends that caused a mess....." yes, the very ones he tried to steal and claim the minute we broke up.....it was a lot for me to handle and every since then, I have been trying my best to just calm the hell down. It is only stuff. Stuff is replaceable and I think sometimes my clients want a bigger reaction that I can give them....but, let's all calm down, shall we?
After I watched the Girls episode last night, my anxiety got super bad and I couldn't place it at all for a bit. Then, it hit me. Crush is also super forgetful. Is this just a man thing?????
Crush loses his phone, his sunglasses, his wallet, his checkbook, and his keys no less than three times a day. The first time he had a mini-freak out about lost keys, I looked all over and didn't have time to do my hair or makeup (we were meeting his parents for lunch) and they were in his back pocket the entire time and I had to show up to a nice restaurant looking like a drowned rat with wet hair dripping down the back of my dress and all I had to salvage my look was a pat of red lipstick....this lady wasn't happy.
I would be lying if I told you that I couldn't relate.....lost things in my hand are my reality.
Now, I know not to indulge the lost rants of Crush. I tell him calmly, "let me finish what I am doing and then I will help you look" and often he finds whenever he has lost on his person, in his car, or in his blazer pocket before I am even halfway done curling my hair. I know to have him check those places first.
And yes, my confession of OCD may help you all understand my need for control. The food...it is the only thing I cannot control and I fear that if I over control it, I will end up anorexic. I have never confessed that before, but it is my truth. For a few months in high school, I ate 1,000 calories a day and lived on dry bagels, chocolate Snackwells yogurt, and fat free mini pretzel twists. This was prompted after Bitch and Snake told me I couldn't come to a party because I was too fat. I vowed to lose 20 pounds and I did it in less than 2 months. It wasn't fun, but something about it was very intriguing to me and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again....BUT, well, every time, all 3 times, I have lost a significant amount of weight, it has always been through restricting. I am still trying to find my happy medium and I won't stop until I do it. I will see this as the biggest accomplishment of my life. Overcoming the binge eating....it has tortured me for over 20 years.
My tendency to need to be in control is so strong that when clients or other people try to micromanage me, I simply ignore them. I make it a challenge for them to contact me because if you don't treat me nicely, you may not get my attention at all.....this shows itself now that I run my own business and one of the reasons why I am excited to go back to work in a corporate office capacity. In that environment, I turn into a people pleaser again and a total team player....so much so, that I get walked all over, but I do often get the best reviews.
Like, I said, I am FAR from perfect.
And thus, why I am back on my anxiety medicine and back in therapy.
The place I am in now, it is scaring me a bit. It all seems too familiar: a big transition coming, weight to lose, a job I am unhappy with and somewhat over....BUT, so different, because this time, I am realizing what is happening while it is happening....NOT AFTER!
There is no better control for a control freak than living in reality.
And Crush can't use the stove anyway (he is the WORST cook EVER), so I am happy to take this role on, if I know the stove will be turned off after I prepare supper and before we go to bed.....without counting at the closet door before he tucks me in!!!!!!!
Did you all see Girls last night? Oy. Another similarity I have with Hannah, though mine never got as bad as hers....with all the touching herself on a loop....but I am sure it could have.
Hannah's number is 8, mine is 10.
I wasn't OCD in all areas of my life. But, I was in some.
I first noticed my OCD tendencies when I moved to the Midwest and every night after I was tucked into bed (I was babied and tucked in until I was at least 11) I climbed out of bed and stood in front of the closed closet and put my hands on the sliding wood doors and counted to 10. Often I did this ritual 3-4 times. Until it felt right. Until I could get back into bed and know that any monsters that were hiding in the closet to hurt me were blocked by the shield of my counting. I did this until I went away to college.
Another ritual was making sure my belly button was covered under multiple layers when I slept. This included night clothes and blankets and my hands. I also counted to 10 covering my belly button until I fell asleep.
As I got older, my new rituals became 3 very specific ones: making sure the stove and oven were off, making sure the front door was locked (when I was leaving and when I was inside before bed), and making sure the hair iron/curing iron were off.
Typically I tested these things by:
Turning the door knob 10 times multiple times until it felt right. Sometimes I would do this 20-30 cycles, and miss my bus to work because I couldn't get out the door.
The stove was a big one for me. I lived with roommates off and on in college and in my 20's and once in a while I would come home to the stove being left on and it would get me going like nothing else. I would simply panic that everything could have burned, innocent people could have died at my stove's expense, and I would have to live with the horrible blame that I may have hurt someone. I never knew if it was me or a roommate that may have made the innocent mistake and it didn't even matter to me. What mattered is that it was up to me to control the stove. I would stand over it and touch all 4 burners repeatedly and count to 10 before I left and sometimes this could take up to 10 minutes until it felt right. Many times I opted to cook in the microwave and avoid the stove entirely.
The hair iron fear started after I watched an episode of Friend's when Rachel burns down Phoebe's apartment with her hair iron (it wasn't Phoebe's candles...it was Rachel's hair iron!). Back in the day, these hair appliances didn't have the automatic turnoff that most of them do now. I would make sure that all of the beauty machines were unplugged from the electrical jacks and then I would rub my hands over the outlets while I counted to ten. Time and time again.
Every roommate I lived with eventually got a boyfriend and started spending less and less time at home and this was not always the relief that comes with lots of extra space and privacy for free.........as then I knew that I was the sole responsibility when it came to the door, the stove, and the hair iron. As a people pleaser, I was okay if my stuff got ruined. I had my own renters insurance and I knew my folks could bail me out if I really needed them to help me. It was living with other people that sometimes made me nervous as I would NEVER want to be the one that ruined something that belonged to someone else.
My best years in my 20's were when I lived alone in 805 square feet of parquet wood bliss. Up high on the 27th floor with a slight view and respectful neighbors in their 40's, 50's, 60's, and 80's. I loved this apartment and only gave it up to move in with Awful as he promised me conversion and marriage if I did and as you know, that never came.
Living with Awful stressed me out and triggered my OCD like no other as he lived in a beautiful home that his trust fund bought him next to very undesirable neighbors. He drank often and was constantly sloppy with his actions and super forgetful. I once woke up in the middle of the night to the front door and gate left completely open after he came home sloshed and had passed out on the downstairs couch. His neighbors were not the Brady Bunch......my fear intensified so badly, sometimes when he went out, I pushed a dresser in front of the bedroom door to make sure that I would be woken up if and when he got home and tried to get into the bedroom, so I could check all the doors again..if not, I would be safe in the room alone....how I wanted to sleep anyway....without his snoring next to me.....Amelia Bedelia's recollection of events and instructions seemed photographic compared to Awful's.
One of the biggest issues with Crush is that he blamed me for everything and this triggered my OCD. He would act all easy going and casual in front of friends and family, but if anyone came over to his place and spilled or broke anything, he would play it off so cool in front of guests and them ream me and insult me for hours over it.....he would want to know "how could people be so disrespectful?", "how could YOU allow that to happen?", "YOU should pay for the damage for not handling the situation better and btw, those were your friends that caused a mess....." yes, the very ones he tried to steal and claim the minute we broke up.....it was a lot for me to handle and every since then, I have been trying my best to just calm the hell down. It is only stuff. Stuff is replaceable and I think sometimes my clients want a bigger reaction that I can give them....but, let's all calm down, shall we?
After I watched the Girls episode last night, my anxiety got super bad and I couldn't place it at all for a bit. Then, it hit me. Crush is also super forgetful. Is this just a man thing?????
Crush loses his phone, his sunglasses, his wallet, his checkbook, and his keys no less than three times a day. The first time he had a mini-freak out about lost keys, I looked all over and didn't have time to do my hair or makeup (we were meeting his parents for lunch) and they were in his back pocket the entire time and I had to show up to a nice restaurant looking like a drowned rat with wet hair dripping down the back of my dress and all I had to salvage my look was a pat of red lipstick....this lady wasn't happy.
I would be lying if I told you that I couldn't relate.....lost things in my hand are my reality.
Now, I know not to indulge the lost rants of Crush. I tell him calmly, "let me finish what I am doing and then I will help you look" and often he finds whenever he has lost on his person, in his car, or in his blazer pocket before I am even halfway done curling my hair. I know to have him check those places first.
And yes, my confession of OCD may help you all understand my need for control. The food...it is the only thing I cannot control and I fear that if I over control it, I will end up anorexic. I have never confessed that before, but it is my truth. For a few months in high school, I ate 1,000 calories a day and lived on dry bagels, chocolate Snackwells yogurt, and fat free mini pretzel twists. This was prompted after Bitch and Snake told me I couldn't come to a party because I was too fat. I vowed to lose 20 pounds and I did it in less than 2 months. It wasn't fun, but something about it was very intriguing to me and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again....BUT, well, every time, all 3 times, I have lost a significant amount of weight, it has always been through restricting. I am still trying to find my happy medium and I won't stop until I do it. I will see this as the biggest accomplishment of my life. Overcoming the binge eating....it has tortured me for over 20 years.
My tendency to need to be in control is so strong that when clients or other people try to micromanage me, I simply ignore them. I make it a challenge for them to contact me because if you don't treat me nicely, you may not get my attention at all.....this shows itself now that I run my own business and one of the reasons why I am excited to go back to work in a corporate office capacity. In that environment, I turn into a people pleaser again and a total team player....so much so, that I get walked all over, but I do often get the best reviews.
Like, I said, I am FAR from perfect.
And thus, why I am back on my anxiety medicine and back in therapy.
The place I am in now, it is scaring me a bit. It all seems too familiar: a big transition coming, weight to lose, a job I am unhappy with and somewhat over....BUT, so different, because this time, I am realizing what is happening while it is happening....NOT AFTER!
There is no better control for a control freak than living in reality.
And Crush can't use the stove anyway (he is the WORST cook EVER), so I am happy to take this role on, if I know the stove will be turned off after I prepare supper and before we go to bed.....without counting at the closet door before he tucks me in!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Mean Girls and A Pack of Wolves and Lessons Learned
I spend too much time wondering what people think about me.
Lately, I have gotten a bit over myself and dried my eyes and realized that if I am talking shit about someone, they are probably talking shit about me. What goes around, comes around, and it is life.
I have recently been practicing holding my tongue a bit. Censoring myself. This mostly comes to not saying things like, "the barrista liked you, I could tell, he was just staring at the huge bulge in your pants and it made me very proud to be with you, " in front of Crush while he buys me my vanilla latte. Sometimes I get a bit carried away. And Crush wears his jeans a little snug.....my bestie calls them "Texas Jeans" and she is from Texas, so she would know. There is nothing quite as nice as fitted (NOT TIGHT) jeans on a man....YUM YUM YUM! Strong thighs and a cute tush....bring it on.
Growing up in the neighborhood I grew up in really messed me up. Like A LOT. I was much happier before I moved to the place where my parents (and me) still live now. I never really fit in, in my heart, even though I was popular off and on. As soon as I had the chance to flee to college, I never looked back. I stopped returning calls from high school friends, I didn't visit them at their new schools, I changed my phone number, and I didn't come home much for college breaks including summers. I NEVER wanted to come back and yet I did, 5 years after I began college, I came home to work in the city close to my parents and start my real adult life. My heart was never in it.
This place, the place I get to leave in 8 months (WHOOT) is the silliest. People live WAY beyond their financial means to impress, they all like the same ugly things, no one has an original thought, and everyone starves themselves. People who are "best friends" sleep with each other's husbands, they wear the same clothes as their children, and they party all the time....
Clue: Mean Girls the movie was based on where I grew up and yes, it is just that pathetic. Everyone grows up together, goes to college together, moves back together, marries each other, and then publicly divorces in the most hateful and cruel ways. It equals my version of HELL.
I always yearned to go somewhere warmer, to be free of the pack mentality that my little neighborhood provides. The hungry wolves who eat each other's souls instead of eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
Even at 10 when I arrived from the East coast, it all felt so silly, so empty, so stupid.....but, I felt that I had to change myself to fit in rather than be who I really was...the person that just started to truly emerge in the last year.
There were two girls that made my life HELL growing up. One I call The Bitch and the other I call The Snake. These two....if I saw them to this day, my heart would drop and the blood in my veins would turn to ice, I just HATE them.
A little back story....
Bitch and I became friends in 5th grade, went to the same Hebrew school, she was kind and sweet and VERY needy and meek as a little one. But, she needed the POWER. The boys, the girls, the older kids...she liked conflict and drama. These are the things I have always hated. I knew the minute I left the room, Bitch would scheme and rally a plan against me....to bring me down to make me feel like a nothing. Everyone got a turn in our group and mine came often.
Snake and I became friends in 8th grade. My mom met her mom through a business interaction and her mom begged my mom to have her included in our group. Meh, it was super awkward. Especially because I always felt very weird being alone with Snake......she was just not like the other girls I was used to hanging out with. No one wanted her to come and everyone, mostly Bitch, made my life hell because my mom was making me bring Snake around to our sleepovers and trips to mall. You all know where this is going right.....?
Bitch and Snake became best friends and who was kicked out, why yes, me. I have never truly forgiven my mom for this...I know, I like to hold on to things....but, I promise you all, I will never interfere with friend politics one day when I have children. Sometimes I like to think about what high school would have been like if Snake wasn't around.
Snake and Bitch were then inseparable. They also became anorexic together (the true standard of beauty in my neighborhood is simply who is the skinniest, horse faces aside). They left everyone else out. The started rumors about me....one being that I was a lesbian which is ironic and I will touch on that later in this post.
When they got caught with booze or pot, it was always mine and everyone believed I was this super bad kid that I wasn't. I truly didn't even know how to get the pot they were smoking.....people's parents began to not want me around. I had this bad reputation for nothing. My vices were Hershey Bars and Fritos.
One day when Bitch's brother drove us home from school....I realize now that it was a set up, he started in on how he was going to go to the cops because he found MY POT in Bitch's room and he didn't like my influence on her and I should thank him for not going to the authorities because Bitch begged him not to and then he called me a "fat cunt" and stopped the car in the middle of a busy street and told me to get out. It was December and freezing and he was home from college for Xmas break...he was a sophomore in college and I was a sophomore in high school......and I didn't tell my parents because I knew my dad would go over to his house and kick his ass and come after winter break...it would make it all so much worse when I had to return to school. It wasn't my pot of course, it never was.
Sidenote: Once, when I was in college, I saw Bitch's brother smoking pot at a concert and went right up to him and told him I was going to call the cops. He looked at me blankly, stoned out of his mind trying to place what I was saying and who I was (I was quite thin at the time) and I walked away......I am sure he had no idea the emotional damage he did to me when he kicked me out of the car. To this day, being called a "fat cunt" something that sadly happens from time to time with clients (because some are from my neighborhood and I won't work with them anymore for the most part...but, fat cunt seems like a really popular insult around here) triggers something inside of me that keeps me in bed for days.
Bitch and Snake told people I said things about them that I never did. I woke up one day without any friends, it was like a nightmare. Oh my, if there was Facebook....it would have been epic, the level of bullying these 2 would have done. I am glad there wasn't because I don't know if I would have survived. I hated confrontation and still do. I didn't know how to handle all of this nastiness.
I will say, after a while, I let them win and disappeared. I made friends from other schools. I turned to books and food. This is the time I truly began to cope by eating and not feeling. To top it off, my mom's brother was having a nervous breakdown and declared bankruptcy and I didn't feel like I could really burden my parents with my drama. Especially because my uncle was living in my house at the time. I became utterly depressed and didn't really talk about it. I stocked up on junk food at the local convenience store and got into bed and read YM and Jane and cried and ate Cheetos. I felt like a failure. Instead of rocking grades and whatnot, I started really slipping. I felt like if I couldn't have friends.....I couldn't have any other success in life.
After high school as I mentioned earlier, I disappeared. I went to college broken. But, I made real friends. A few who I love and cherish like sisters to this day. I didn't believe I was worthy of friends because of high school, but I made them. I also reconnected with a best friend from junior high in my early 20's and we are super close to this day as well...oh how I missed her. Bitch and Snake first kicked her out of the group before they did me in....It kept me up nights on end before we reconnected, why didn't I just stick up for her.
We went to our 10 year high school reunion together and none of the mean girls could show their faces. Karma is truly a Bitch.
Bitch once invited me out sophomore year of college when I was home for a few days over Xmas break. I saw it as a peace treaty and I accepted. She never picked me up. I remember when I got her on the phone a few days later, I told her every single thing I thought abut her. This had been on the tip of my tongue for over 10 years at the time. All she said was sorry and hung up. I think my boldness surprised her into silence. To this day, I have never seen her. God has protected me.
Snake called me junior year of college after stalking my mom for weeks for my cell phone number. She apologized and wanted to see what was new with me....I told her honestly and openly that she will always know inside what she did to me and I will always question why, but I don't ever want to be friends with her and I couldn't accept her apology because I genuinely felt she was apologizing for her....for a deeper reason....it seemed so insincere. I have seen her twice by accident and both times she scurried away from me.
3 years after she called me, Snake married her high school sweetheart (a TOTAL douche who I see from time to time and think very little of) only to divorce him rather messily a few years after that because she finally came out and is now in a loving relationship with a woman. To this day, I think she called me in college to confide that to me, that she was attracted to women and not men. I think she knew inside that I wouldn't have judged her and I would have supported her. I would have.
And bingo! There is was, the secret, the thing that never seemed right. Bitch and Snake loved each other. I knew they had threesomes with people in high school at drunk parties and had this secret bond of sorts and now I truly believe it was because they were absolutely in love with each other and didn't want me to find out. When I was invited to a party, they would call me and tell me I couldn't come because the host said no fat girls aloud. When I wanted to go to a concert, they said I couldn't come because all the parents hated me because I was a "bad kid." When I wanted to go shopping with them after school, they said I would stretch out the clothes....I was a size 8-10 btw...
Because well, I would have been THE PERSON who would have said something heartless, careless, and bold without even thinking about it. I would have exposed them without even realizing I was doing it. I think they feared my mouth as much as I feared their torment. As a team, they stuck it to me before I ever had the chance to call them out. But, I do think I would have figured it out in real time, I am perceptive that way and I think they knew it.
Years later, I will never accept them or acknowledge them, but I understand. I know that being different in high school is hard, even if you are the most popular girls in the grade.
And now I try to keep my words firmly placed in my mouth when they need to stay there. High school is nothing if it doesn't teach you life lessons.
Lately, I have gotten a bit over myself and dried my eyes and realized that if I am talking shit about someone, they are probably talking shit about me. What goes around, comes around, and it is life.
I have recently been practicing holding my tongue a bit. Censoring myself. This mostly comes to not saying things like, "the barrista liked you, I could tell, he was just staring at the huge bulge in your pants and it made me very proud to be with you, " in front of Crush while he buys me my vanilla latte. Sometimes I get a bit carried away. And Crush wears his jeans a little snug.....my bestie calls them "Texas Jeans" and she is from Texas, so she would know. There is nothing quite as nice as fitted (NOT TIGHT) jeans on a man....YUM YUM YUM! Strong thighs and a cute tush....bring it on.
Growing up in the neighborhood I grew up in really messed me up. Like A LOT. I was much happier before I moved to the place where my parents (and me) still live now. I never really fit in, in my heart, even though I was popular off and on. As soon as I had the chance to flee to college, I never looked back. I stopped returning calls from high school friends, I didn't visit them at their new schools, I changed my phone number, and I didn't come home much for college breaks including summers. I NEVER wanted to come back and yet I did, 5 years after I began college, I came home to work in the city close to my parents and start my real adult life. My heart was never in it.
This place, the place I get to leave in 8 months (WHOOT) is the silliest. People live WAY beyond their financial means to impress, they all like the same ugly things, no one has an original thought, and everyone starves themselves. People who are "best friends" sleep with each other's husbands, they wear the same clothes as their children, and they party all the time....
Clue: Mean Girls the movie was based on where I grew up and yes, it is just that pathetic. Everyone grows up together, goes to college together, moves back together, marries each other, and then publicly divorces in the most hateful and cruel ways. It equals my version of HELL.
I always yearned to go somewhere warmer, to be free of the pack mentality that my little neighborhood provides. The hungry wolves who eat each other's souls instead of eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
Even at 10 when I arrived from the East coast, it all felt so silly, so empty, so stupid.....but, I felt that I had to change myself to fit in rather than be who I really was...the person that just started to truly emerge in the last year.
There were two girls that made my life HELL growing up. One I call The Bitch and the other I call The Snake. These two....if I saw them to this day, my heart would drop and the blood in my veins would turn to ice, I just HATE them.
A little back story....
Bitch and I became friends in 5th grade, went to the same Hebrew school, she was kind and sweet and VERY needy and meek as a little one. But, she needed the POWER. The boys, the girls, the older kids...she liked conflict and drama. These are the things I have always hated. I knew the minute I left the room, Bitch would scheme and rally a plan against me....to bring me down to make me feel like a nothing. Everyone got a turn in our group and mine came often.
Snake and I became friends in 8th grade. My mom met her mom through a business interaction and her mom begged my mom to have her included in our group. Meh, it was super awkward. Especially because I always felt very weird being alone with Snake......she was just not like the other girls I was used to hanging out with. No one wanted her to come and everyone, mostly Bitch, made my life hell because my mom was making me bring Snake around to our sleepovers and trips to mall. You all know where this is going right.....?
Bitch and Snake became best friends and who was kicked out, why yes, me. I have never truly forgiven my mom for this...I know, I like to hold on to things....but, I promise you all, I will never interfere with friend politics one day when I have children. Sometimes I like to think about what high school would have been like if Snake wasn't around.
Snake and Bitch were then inseparable. They also became anorexic together (the true standard of beauty in my neighborhood is simply who is the skinniest, horse faces aside). They left everyone else out. The started rumors about me....one being that I was a lesbian which is ironic and I will touch on that later in this post.
When they got caught with booze or pot, it was always mine and everyone believed I was this super bad kid that I wasn't. I truly didn't even know how to get the pot they were smoking.....people's parents began to not want me around. I had this bad reputation for nothing. My vices were Hershey Bars and Fritos.
One day when Bitch's brother drove us home from school....I realize now that it was a set up, he started in on how he was going to go to the cops because he found MY POT in Bitch's room and he didn't like my influence on her and I should thank him for not going to the authorities because Bitch begged him not to and then he called me a "fat cunt" and stopped the car in the middle of a busy street and told me to get out. It was December and freezing and he was home from college for Xmas break...he was a sophomore in college and I was a sophomore in high school......and I didn't tell my parents because I knew my dad would go over to his house and kick his ass and come after winter break...it would make it all so much worse when I had to return to school. It wasn't my pot of course, it never was.
Sidenote: Once, when I was in college, I saw Bitch's brother smoking pot at a concert and went right up to him and told him I was going to call the cops. He looked at me blankly, stoned out of his mind trying to place what I was saying and who I was (I was quite thin at the time) and I walked away......I am sure he had no idea the emotional damage he did to me when he kicked me out of the car. To this day, being called a "fat cunt" something that sadly happens from time to time with clients (because some are from my neighborhood and I won't work with them anymore for the most part...but, fat cunt seems like a really popular insult around here) triggers something inside of me that keeps me in bed for days.
Bitch and Snake told people I said things about them that I never did. I woke up one day without any friends, it was like a nightmare. Oh my, if there was Facebook....it would have been epic, the level of bullying these 2 would have done. I am glad there wasn't because I don't know if I would have survived. I hated confrontation and still do. I didn't know how to handle all of this nastiness.
I will say, after a while, I let them win and disappeared. I made friends from other schools. I turned to books and food. This is the time I truly began to cope by eating and not feeling. To top it off, my mom's brother was having a nervous breakdown and declared bankruptcy and I didn't feel like I could really burden my parents with my drama. Especially because my uncle was living in my house at the time. I became utterly depressed and didn't really talk about it. I stocked up on junk food at the local convenience store and got into bed and read YM and Jane and cried and ate Cheetos. I felt like a failure. Instead of rocking grades and whatnot, I started really slipping. I felt like if I couldn't have friends.....I couldn't have any other success in life.
After high school as I mentioned earlier, I disappeared. I went to college broken. But, I made real friends. A few who I love and cherish like sisters to this day. I didn't believe I was worthy of friends because of high school, but I made them. I also reconnected with a best friend from junior high in my early 20's and we are super close to this day as well...oh how I missed her. Bitch and Snake first kicked her out of the group before they did me in....It kept me up nights on end before we reconnected, why didn't I just stick up for her.
We went to our 10 year high school reunion together and none of the mean girls could show their faces. Karma is truly a Bitch.
Bitch once invited me out sophomore year of college when I was home for a few days over Xmas break. I saw it as a peace treaty and I accepted. She never picked me up. I remember when I got her on the phone a few days later, I told her every single thing I thought abut her. This had been on the tip of my tongue for over 10 years at the time. All she said was sorry and hung up. I think my boldness surprised her into silence. To this day, I have never seen her. God has protected me.
Snake called me junior year of college after stalking my mom for weeks for my cell phone number. She apologized and wanted to see what was new with me....I told her honestly and openly that she will always know inside what she did to me and I will always question why, but I don't ever want to be friends with her and I couldn't accept her apology because I genuinely felt she was apologizing for her....for a deeper reason....it seemed so insincere. I have seen her twice by accident and both times she scurried away from me.
3 years after she called me, Snake married her high school sweetheart (a TOTAL douche who I see from time to time and think very little of) only to divorce him rather messily a few years after that because she finally came out and is now in a loving relationship with a woman. To this day, I think she called me in college to confide that to me, that she was attracted to women and not men. I think she knew inside that I wouldn't have judged her and I would have supported her. I would have.
And bingo! There is was, the secret, the thing that never seemed right. Bitch and Snake loved each other. I knew they had threesomes with people in high school at drunk parties and had this secret bond of sorts and now I truly believe it was because they were absolutely in love with each other and didn't want me to find out. When I was invited to a party, they would call me and tell me I couldn't come because the host said no fat girls aloud. When I wanted to go to a concert, they said I couldn't come because all the parents hated me because I was a "bad kid." When I wanted to go shopping with them after school, they said I would stretch out the clothes....I was a size 8-10 btw...
Because well, I would have been THE PERSON who would have said something heartless, careless, and bold without even thinking about it. I would have exposed them without even realizing I was doing it. I think they feared my mouth as much as I feared their torment. As a team, they stuck it to me before I ever had the chance to call them out. But, I do think I would have figured it out in real time, I am perceptive that way and I think they knew it.
Years later, I will never accept them or acknowledge them, but I understand. I know that being different in high school is hard, even if you are the most popular girls in the grade.
And now I try to keep my words firmly placed in my mouth when they need to stay there. High school is nothing if it doesn't teach you life lessons.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Be Back Tomorrow and BEST FORTUNE EVER!
I will be back tomorrow with updates and some big life lessons.....it has been an incredible week.
I will post in detail here soon, but here are some things I just had to share....
Sissy and babies love Crush.....we had the BEST time. It all felt SO natural. The kind of feeling I have always wanted from a romantic relationship.......it is the best peace. I don't take it for granted. Also, bro-in-law and I have found beautiful new ground and really bonded. He loved Crush as well and told me that I deserved a guy as good as him and it brought tears to my eyes. I am blessed.
Over the moon that I am seeing 2 of my besties for a long weekend in Crushie's hometown in less than a month....eeeeekkkkkkk........just cannot wait to connect them to my love....it has been the missing piece in this real life fairy tale. The friends factor isn't at all about approval with Crush (it always was before him because I never lived for me until this past year), it is just about sharing this huge important part of my life organically and openly with some people I don't see enough, but cannot imagine life without.....they also both have awesome hubbies and it will be incredible to bring my man into the mix.
Oy, so many business lessons to share here soon.....I have learned my final big ones lately and I feel again at peace....ready to kick it into to high gear and contemplating a MAJOR career change. I am different than many, but I do have some really special qualities and being a real hard-ass isn't one of them......still thinking, but will share soon.
At supper tonight, we had Chinese and I am still not eating wheat (skin is looking so awesome lately) so Crush ate my cookie (not that one, perverts...), but my fortune read:
DO NOT BE TOO TIMID AND SQUEAMISH ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS. ALL LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT.
It was exactly the business advice I needed to know that I did the right thing....my life is really kismet at this moment in time and it is incredible that I am finally at this place......quiet in my mind.
Sweet dreams!
XOXO (watched some GG reruns this week),
R & F
I will post in detail here soon, but here are some things I just had to share....
Sissy and babies love Crush.....we had the BEST time. It all felt SO natural. The kind of feeling I have always wanted from a romantic relationship.......it is the best peace. I don't take it for granted. Also, bro-in-law and I have found beautiful new ground and really bonded. He loved Crush as well and told me that I deserved a guy as good as him and it brought tears to my eyes. I am blessed.
Over the moon that I am seeing 2 of my besties for a long weekend in Crushie's hometown in less than a month....eeeeekkkkkkk........just cannot wait to connect them to my love....it has been the missing piece in this real life fairy tale. The friends factor isn't at all about approval with Crush (it always was before him because I never lived for me until this past year), it is just about sharing this huge important part of my life organically and openly with some people I don't see enough, but cannot imagine life without.....they also both have awesome hubbies and it will be incredible to bring my man into the mix.
Oy, so many business lessons to share here soon.....I have learned my final big ones lately and I feel again at peace....ready to kick it into to high gear and contemplating a MAJOR career change. I am different than many, but I do have some really special qualities and being a real hard-ass isn't one of them......still thinking, but will share soon.
At supper tonight, we had Chinese and I am still not eating wheat (skin is looking so awesome lately) so Crush ate my cookie (not that one, perverts...), but my fortune read:
DO NOT BE TOO TIMID AND SQUEAMISH ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS. ALL LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT.
It was exactly the business advice I needed to know that I did the right thing....my life is really kismet at this moment in time and it is incredible that I am finally at this place......quiet in my mind.
Sweet dreams!
XOXO (watched some GG reruns this week),
R & F
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
A Costly Mistake and a New Life to Make It All Better!
Little Baby joined us yesterday! Healthy, happy, and very flushed! Sissy was born for childbirth. First time with Big Baby, she pushed for less than 15 minutes and the big joke in my family was that she has a HUGE vagina...this time she pushed for ten minutes.....the doctor said that she has a birth canal designed for childbirth....much more complimentary than having a gigantic cookie.
We are super excited and I must admit, I saved the day as Big Baby was so super excited to see Auntie that I was able to get Big to bed in Sissy's absence and in a miraculous turn of events, we both slept all night, spooning. Everyone was a bit shocked as Big Baby is VERY mommy (Sissy) attached, but Sissy and I do look quite alike and Big Baby was smelling me all night, so we must have a similar scent, too.
So, on Sunday night after my last blog post, I made a VERY costly mistake. It involved liquid, my former laptop (only 1 year old!) and a huge spill. The former laptop had already survived 1 major spill, so this was the straw that broke the camel's back....BROKEN! I was able to retrieve all of my information off of the old one and sucked it up and reinvested today.......it was a costly mistake and it really got me thinking....
Back in June, someone spilled on my laptop and I was lucky, but it didn't work for 3 days. Then, mere months later, it was spilled on again. WHY DIDN'T I LEARN MY LESSON?
Now, I had to spend a huge unexpected sum of money to fix my problem which should have never happened in the first place! Drinks and laptops DO NOT MIX.....I will NEVER make this mistake again....FOR REAL! REALLY!
But, this little mishap is a true reflection of my life.....I make the same mistakes over and over again and then I am shocked that the results are always the same.....WHY? WHY? WHY?
As I drained most of my savings to fix this bummer, I thought to myself, R & F, this just needs to stop. I need to slow my roll, focus, take responsibility, and grow up. Mistakes can be avoided and life can be easier than this. I must take the extra few seconds to use my better judgement. The buck stops here......I can't keep doing the same stupid things. I no longer have the patience or the money.....OY!
Tomorrow, Sissy and Little Baby come home, so I will be busy taking Big Baby to music class and some other activities. Playing mommy is fun, but being a mommy seems tough. All the mommies out there.....I give you MAJOR props!!!!! YOU ALL ROCK! I am getting closer to being able to be a mommy in mind, but I am enjoying the rest I can still have for the next few years.
I will be back soon with some updates and I will be weighing in tomorrow, I looked today and I am down another 2 pounds, VERY excited!
Hope all is well out there in cyberspace and get those liquids far and away from your computers!
We are super excited and I must admit, I saved the day as Big Baby was so super excited to see Auntie that I was able to get Big to bed in Sissy's absence and in a miraculous turn of events, we both slept all night, spooning. Everyone was a bit shocked as Big Baby is VERY mommy (Sissy) attached, but Sissy and I do look quite alike and Big Baby was smelling me all night, so we must have a similar scent, too.
So, on Sunday night after my last blog post, I made a VERY costly mistake. It involved liquid, my former laptop (only 1 year old!) and a huge spill. The former laptop had already survived 1 major spill, so this was the straw that broke the camel's back....BROKEN! I was able to retrieve all of my information off of the old one and sucked it up and reinvested today.......it was a costly mistake and it really got me thinking....
Back in June, someone spilled on my laptop and I was lucky, but it didn't work for 3 days. Then, mere months later, it was spilled on again. WHY DIDN'T I LEARN MY LESSON?
Now, I had to spend a huge unexpected sum of money to fix my problem which should have never happened in the first place! Drinks and laptops DO NOT MIX.....I will NEVER make this mistake again....FOR REAL! REALLY!
But, this little mishap is a true reflection of my life.....I make the same mistakes over and over again and then I am shocked that the results are always the same.....WHY? WHY? WHY?
As I drained most of my savings to fix this bummer, I thought to myself, R & F, this just needs to stop. I need to slow my roll, focus, take responsibility, and grow up. Mistakes can be avoided and life can be easier than this. I must take the extra few seconds to use my better judgement. The buck stops here......I can't keep doing the same stupid things. I no longer have the patience or the money.....OY!
Tomorrow, Sissy and Little Baby come home, so I will be busy taking Big Baby to music class and some other activities. Playing mommy is fun, but being a mommy seems tough. All the mommies out there.....I give you MAJOR props!!!!! YOU ALL ROCK! I am getting closer to being able to be a mommy in mind, but I am enjoying the rest I can still have for the next few years.
I will be back soon with some updates and I will be weighing in tomorrow, I looked today and I am down another 2 pounds, VERY excited!
Hope all is well out there in cyberspace and get those liquids far and away from your computers!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Girls Girls Girls
Do you all LOVE Girls on HBO as much as I do?
I know people are ALL over the map on this one and I can see why.
Unlike the ladies of Sex and the City, does anyone REALLY want to see themselves so much in these characters.....because it sometimes it isn't pretty.
I see myself a lot in the main character of the show Hannah, especially when I was in my 20's. Hannah is unselfishly selfish. A total know it all who knows nothing. Insecurely secure. A smart idiot. She is literally a walking contradiction. She doesn't know it though and neither did I when I was her age.
When I was younger, like Hannah, I thought I knew more than I did and I couldn't stop talking about all of my grand ideas, but I had NO idea how to get them going. I would get drunk and dream, but I couldn't turn plans into actions. I was dramatic, sad, happy, crazy, and then serene. I was so many feelings so many days and I am glad that my body knows how to feel all of these things. That is what growing up is all about.
My Crush, he isn't as emotional as me publicly, but he is a man that cries and I love it. The first night we met my parents for supper my mom told him that I "had worked so hard on myself making myself into this real live person. A person who could feel, help, show compassion, who wasn't ruled by only my mind, but by my heart, too." It was a super sweet sentiment. Crush cried. In front of my parents. It was just one of those life moments that means something, that gets frozen in time, that you think about many years later and you can actually recall exactly how you felt.
Crush wasn't raised to feel. Unlike Hannah and me, he had to stay stoic and strong. As a child, he was taught to be seen and not heard.
In his 20's, he didn't go out and get drunk and sloppy and fall down and vomit and cry and order pizza and have to make calls to his friends the next day and apologize for what he did. He didn't come home late and eat his roommate's snacks and try to order late night Thai and then didn't hear the doorbell when the crab rangoon came because he was passed out on the comfy couch 5 feet away from the door. He didn't go out to dinner with his best friends and cry because he would never have what they had and beg them to please understand how being single (and selfish) in a big city is so hard.
Because it is. But, life is hard and finding love is just one part of the big puzzle.
Sometimes I admire Crush for living this clean life. This good life. This simple life. I make things VERY hard for myself. I color outside of the lines. I say comments that end long friendships in the matter of seconds. I feel big, I love hard, and I fall from grace all too often.
But, like Hannah, this is who I am. A mess of a person who just got her shit pieced together in her 30's NOT her 20's. The race won't be won and the lesson won't be done being learned until the day I take my last breath. I will always be a work in progress. I will always strive to be better.
I am glad I was a silly girl in my 20's. I smile when I think about how naive I was, how important my life seemed then, how nervous I was that I would never get......or deserve, what I wanted.
I can admit, with Crush, there has come peace. Peace that it will all by okay. That all the late nights led me here.......the knowledge that things do happen for a reason. You will never know the day your life will change, much like how mine did one morning last summer when I received my first email from my current boyfriend.
Be a mess. Be a girl. Never apologize to yourself (but do apologize to the friends you insulted the night before 3 dirty martinis in) for it.
(Also.....one of the best characters of Girls, Shoshana, looks so much my like my former assistant who is also a total frienemy of mine. It is almost scary. I tune in just to see the similarities and then shutter to myself while I eat popcorn.)
I know people are ALL over the map on this one and I can see why.
Unlike the ladies of Sex and the City, does anyone REALLY want to see themselves so much in these characters.....because it sometimes it isn't pretty.
I see myself a lot in the main character of the show Hannah, especially when I was in my 20's. Hannah is unselfishly selfish. A total know it all who knows nothing. Insecurely secure. A smart idiot. She is literally a walking contradiction. She doesn't know it though and neither did I when I was her age.
When I was younger, like Hannah, I thought I knew more than I did and I couldn't stop talking about all of my grand ideas, but I had NO idea how to get them going. I would get drunk and dream, but I couldn't turn plans into actions. I was dramatic, sad, happy, crazy, and then serene. I was so many feelings so many days and I am glad that my body knows how to feel all of these things. That is what growing up is all about.
My Crush, he isn't as emotional as me publicly, but he is a man that cries and I love it. The first night we met my parents for supper my mom told him that I "had worked so hard on myself making myself into this real live person. A person who could feel, help, show compassion, who wasn't ruled by only my mind, but by my heart, too." It was a super sweet sentiment. Crush cried. In front of my parents. It was just one of those life moments that means something, that gets frozen in time, that you think about many years later and you can actually recall exactly how you felt.
Crush wasn't raised to feel. Unlike Hannah and me, he had to stay stoic and strong. As a child, he was taught to be seen and not heard.
In his 20's, he didn't go out and get drunk and sloppy and fall down and vomit and cry and order pizza and have to make calls to his friends the next day and apologize for what he did. He didn't come home late and eat his roommate's snacks and try to order late night Thai and then didn't hear the doorbell when the crab rangoon came because he was passed out on the comfy couch 5 feet away from the door. He didn't go out to dinner with his best friends and cry because he would never have what they had and beg them to please understand how being single (and selfish) in a big city is so hard.
Because it is. But, life is hard and finding love is just one part of the big puzzle.
Sometimes I admire Crush for living this clean life. This good life. This simple life. I make things VERY hard for myself. I color outside of the lines. I say comments that end long friendships in the matter of seconds. I feel big, I love hard, and I fall from grace all too often.
But, like Hannah, this is who I am. A mess of a person who just got her shit pieced together in her 30's NOT her 20's. The race won't be won and the lesson won't be done being learned until the day I take my last breath. I will always be a work in progress. I will always strive to be better.
I am glad I was a silly girl in my 20's. I smile when I think about how naive I was, how important my life seemed then, how nervous I was that I would never get......or deserve, what I wanted.
I can admit, with Crush, there has come peace. Peace that it will all by okay. That all the late nights led me here.......the knowledge that things do happen for a reason. You will never know the day your life will change, much like how mine did one morning last summer when I received my first email from my current boyfriend.
Be a mess. Be a girl. Never apologize to yourself (but do apologize to the friends you insulted the night before 3 dirty martinis in) for it.
(Also.....one of the best characters of Girls, Shoshana, looks so much my like my former assistant who is also a total frienemy of mine. It is almost scary. I tune in just to see the similarities and then shutter to myself while I eat popcorn.)
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 2
There was a suitcase, takeout boxes, liquor, beer cans, wine glasses, and clothes strew upon the floor. The photos of Socio and me that were on his shelves and fridge had been replaced by photos of him and ANOTHER woman, a young looking one, no more than 20 years old. There were photos of them taken at the same places we had been, including Mexico.....it was like walking into your own episode of Dateline Special Victims Unit.
I rounded the corner to the bedroom and sure enough Socio and his other girlfriend were laying naked under the covers. My heart was pounding. I shook Socio awake and if I could bottle his face, I would have...."OH SHIT."
Now, I am not at all proud to share what happened next..., but there is no holding back here....
The rage in me was so strong, so intense, so unpredicted, I snapped. All of my hate, my anguish, my fears, they all came spilling out. I ripped the covers off the 2 of them and started a tornado of destruction. I broke photos, I broke glasses, I broke framed posters. I ripped clothes out of the closet, I threw plates on the ground like bouncy balls.
I ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside with her purse. I rummaged threw it. She went to college in the Midwest, a good school actually, and she was only 18, OMG! (I later learned they started sleeping together when she was 16, him 35, they met at work, she was a summer intern)......I started to gag and thought I was going to vomit. I splashed cold water on my face and sobbed. I looked in the mirror and remember thinking "You did this to yourself you fool. You knew this was a disaster. You stayed." I then shoved her purse into the toilet, it was all I could think to do because he was pounding at the door and about to break it down, I didn't want to get caught with it.
I shut the toilet lid and opened up the door suddenly. I grabbed his balls so hard that he fell to the ground in a heap. She stood there behind him speechless.....not doing or saying anything, wearing only his t-shirt, her hairless crotch hanging out of the bottom of the hem, which only made her look younger and more helpless... her mouth was gaped open, jaw unhinged....we were both connecting the dots.
As I waited for the elevator. He came charging out of his apartment. I instinctively protected my neck, I remember thinking, protect your neck, he could snap it. He lunged at me and pulled my hair and threw an entire heavy garbage bag of my belongings at my head. I reason he packed my stuff that were at his apartment whenever she came into town. He screamed "WE ARE DONE!"
Obviously.
I walked out of his building with streams of thick tears running down my face. My head was killing me from where he pulled my hair. I was clutching my garbage bag full of possessions and did the only thing I knew to do....
I called his mother and told her the entire story.
She cried. I cried. She told me about the lies , ALL of the lies. She told me, "I wanted to tell you, but I wanted you to save him, I am so sorry I did this to you." I knew this was the best revenge I could get on him, making sure his family knew the truth. No one else mattered, they were the only ones that really knew how messed up he really was and he was using me to look better to them, so they were the jury on this one.
A few months ago, right before I met Crush, I was getting my nails done and a women kept staring at me. I was looking at her, too, she seemed familiar, I tried to place her. While we were drying, she asked me, "I think you dated my brother "The Sociopath" like forever ago?"
I nodded. She then continued to tell me that he was doing super great, got married, had just had a new baby. I then instantly recalled, she was the sister I always liked the least, the one that was very caught up in the machine of appearances, the only sibling younger than him, she was about 6 years older than me and away in grad school when I had dated the Sociopath, I had only met her once before.
I felt the tears welling up inside of me and I couldn't contain them. I couldn't hold them back. I started to cry. She thought I was crying because I still loved him and she said, "don't worry, you will find someone too, you are very pretty."
And then told her....."I am not crying because I miss him, I crying because I feel so bad for the woman who married him and for his son. Your brother is a monster and a sociopath. You know it, I would be embarrassed if that was my brother, too."
I then got up, grabbed my purse, and smudged 8 out of my 10 nails.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Time I Dated a Sociopath Part 1
Oh yes....this happened. The Sociopath was a real sociopath, like diagnosed. He had no grasp on reality.
You don't think I found my current dream gent by always dating winners, did you?! Well I didn't. Crush is the first healthy and balanced relationship I have EVER had. He is the first man I am publicly proud to date. I want to introduce Crush to my friends and family. I want to show off his photos.
In my 20's The Sociopath was the WORST of the bunch I dated, but he wasn't so different from the other men who came after him until I met my Crush. They were all slight reincarnations of each other: men who I thought were below me, who I tried to boss around and control initially, who eventually brainwashed me, broke down my self-esteem, and controlled my every move.
The player always got played.
Let's rewind and start at the beginning....
When I was 24, I had never had a real boyfriend. Was a virgin? No. Had I had a few short lived fauxmances? Yes. I had "loved" many who hadn't returned the favor and vice-versa.
I met The Sociopath through a frenemy from childhood. Frenemy and I were always "friendly", but never really true friends. She is the type of person who is extremely competitive, always out for herself, and likes to see other people fail. I don't know why I trusted her opinion with men...I remember asking her if Socio was alright and she told me he was.....another prime example of not trusting my instincts.
The Sociopath was 13 years older than me. He LOVED to drink and do drugs. I was so personally immature at the time that I saw no issue in the fact that a 37 old man went to bars and stayed out until 2:00 am nightly, 5-7 days a week. I didn't find him particularly attractive either. I also thought I was much smarter and more successful than him.... At the time, I guess I liked that he wasn't shorter than me, never called me fat, and bought me drinks and shots. I had VERY low standards.
He told me lie after lie. I knew he was lying to me on the inside, but I believed him, too. I just didn't want to process the truth, I wanted to party....I wanted to float through my reality, too, to numb my self-esteem issues and silence my self-doubt. A few examples of his lies for good measure:
He told me that he played baseball on a scholarship in college....post-breakup I found out that he only attended one semester of college and flunked out and NEVER played baseball.
He told me he was rich....post-breakup I found out he was several hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including massive gambling debts.
He told me he was madly in love with me.....one of the reasons why we broke up was because I found out he was dating an 18 year old, the ENTIRE time we were together.
The Sociopath lived in an alternate reality. I think a lot of this was because he was adopted by a lovely family and had 4 sisters who were all biological and not adopted. He fell right in the middle of the bunch, he was the only male, the only adopted child as I mentioned, and he felt like the odd man out always. When he was super wasted, he would discuss this and often cry and throw things. He had a wicked temper.
He drank and drugged almost every single day. He worked 8am-2pm for a family friend off the books and then drank for 12 hours. I would meet him out around 6:00 pm after my work day and he would already be wasted. Then we would stay out, black out, order late night pizza, and wake up in our clothes...we would often be late for work. He was a terrible influence for me.
Some facts I ignored were this: he didn't have a credit card, he was a slob, he had drugs in his freezer, his phone would sometimes be turned off without warning, he would disappear for 24-48 hours at a time, he never wanted to hang out with my family or friends, he had all of these "friends" that he would buy drinks for and pretend to be rich for and never knew their last names, he was best friends with a man who was recently divorced with several children and a complete cocaine addict, he had a family friend around his age check in on him daily (like make sure he was alive and had food), and everyone seemed really worried about him...
At the same time they were ALL super happy that we were dating......
I liked feeling wanted and purposeful and that I had the ability to save someone so lost.
I felt like I NEEDED to be with him ALL of the time because if I wasn't, something would happen. He would disappear, cheat on me, or die. He was like sand, always about to slip through my fingertips.
One night about 6 months into our relationship, we planned to meet at his place at 2:00 am, after we both went out with our own friends. I had a key to his apartment and was to let myself in as always. I texted him at 1:15 am and he said he was on his way home and I should meet him there at 2:00 am. At 2:15 am, I let myself in and found a half naked woman passed out on his couch. She wasn't wearing a top or bra. To this day, I have no idea who she was or what really happened before I arrived. I freaked out and we got into a physical fight. I punched and hit him and ran out of the apartment. He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair. I fled to the elevator and out of the building. As I tried to hail a cab, he chased me downstairs and begged me to come back up. He was crying, sobbing for forgiveness.
I relented. I was afraid.
The passed out girl was still there when we came back up. I woke her, got her clothes from the bedroom and offered her water and cab fare. She had no idea who we were or where she was. I stayed with The Sociopath and had sex with him that night....it just made me ill to write that sentence. This is not behavior of a healthy person, but he wanted it and he never did. I was so confused. I was battling so many demons then....
In the morning, we woke up and ordered pizza and acted like nothing happened. Back to basics.
After the half naked girl incident, I began to pull back. I knew it was a bad situation, but I was scared of him. I was scared he could hurt me. I was afraid that he could kill me. He used me to look good to his parents....so he could continue to ask them for help and money...I was his validation...a sweet attractive Jewish girl from one town over (his parents were Jewish and very kind), if we were together, he couldn't be that much of a monster, could he. I know this now at 31..they were pushing marriage upon our second meeting. I was valuable to him, he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to let me go either.
9 months into our relationship, we were fighting all the time. I knew it was only a matter of time until I could get out of this relationship, so I looked for a way. I was too scared to confide in anyone about how bad and dysfunctional this really was. At the time, I felt embarrassed and like a failure because I wasted almost a year on this mess and I had no self esteem, I thought this was the best I could do, I really did.
One Friday, he didn't text or call me back all day. I waited and waited. I got worried, I thought he might have drunk himself to death and I remember being scared that I could be blamed for it. Upon the 24th hour of not hearing from him, I knew it was my chance to catch him some way or another. He was either up to no good or dead. My grandfather had fallen ill and my hair iron was at Socio's place, so before I headed up to see my family, I stopped there for it. It was a good excuse. It made sense for me to come over for it.
It was now early Saturday morning and I was worried about Socio because I "cared."
Since I had the key, I was able to enter the building and his apartment without issue. Upon turning the lock, I knew something wasn't right....
TO BE CONTINUED.......
You don't think I found my current dream gent by always dating winners, did you?! Well I didn't. Crush is the first healthy and balanced relationship I have EVER had. He is the first man I am publicly proud to date. I want to introduce Crush to my friends and family. I want to show off his photos.
In my 20's The Sociopath was the WORST of the bunch I dated, but he wasn't so different from the other men who came after him until I met my Crush. They were all slight reincarnations of each other: men who I thought were below me, who I tried to boss around and control initially, who eventually brainwashed me, broke down my self-esteem, and controlled my every move.
The player always got played.
Let's rewind and start at the beginning....
When I was 24, I had never had a real boyfriend. Was a virgin? No. Had I had a few short lived fauxmances? Yes. I had "loved" many who hadn't returned the favor and vice-versa.
I met The Sociopath through a frenemy from childhood. Frenemy and I were always "friendly", but never really true friends. She is the type of person who is extremely competitive, always out for herself, and likes to see other people fail. I don't know why I trusted her opinion with men...I remember asking her if Socio was alright and she told me he was.....another prime example of not trusting my instincts.
The Sociopath was 13 years older than me. He LOVED to drink and do drugs. I was so personally immature at the time that I saw no issue in the fact that a 37 old man went to bars and stayed out until 2:00 am nightly, 5-7 days a week. I didn't find him particularly attractive either. I also thought I was much smarter and more successful than him.... At the time, I guess I liked that he wasn't shorter than me, never called me fat, and bought me drinks and shots. I had VERY low standards.
He told me lie after lie. I knew he was lying to me on the inside, but I believed him, too. I just didn't want to process the truth, I wanted to party....I wanted to float through my reality, too, to numb my self-esteem issues and silence my self-doubt. A few examples of his lies for good measure:
He told me that he played baseball on a scholarship in college....post-breakup I found out that he only attended one semester of college and flunked out and NEVER played baseball.
He told me he was rich....post-breakup I found out he was several hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, including massive gambling debts.
He told me he was madly in love with me.....one of the reasons why we broke up was because I found out he was dating an 18 year old, the ENTIRE time we were together.
The Sociopath lived in an alternate reality. I think a lot of this was because he was adopted by a lovely family and had 4 sisters who were all biological and not adopted. He fell right in the middle of the bunch, he was the only male, the only adopted child as I mentioned, and he felt like the odd man out always. When he was super wasted, he would discuss this and often cry and throw things. He had a wicked temper.
He drank and drugged almost every single day. He worked 8am-2pm for a family friend off the books and then drank for 12 hours. I would meet him out around 6:00 pm after my work day and he would already be wasted. Then we would stay out, black out, order late night pizza, and wake up in our clothes...we would often be late for work. He was a terrible influence for me.
Some facts I ignored were this: he didn't have a credit card, he was a slob, he had drugs in his freezer, his phone would sometimes be turned off without warning, he would disappear for 24-48 hours at a time, he never wanted to hang out with my family or friends, he had all of these "friends" that he would buy drinks for and pretend to be rich for and never knew their last names, he was best friends with a man who was recently divorced with several children and a complete cocaine addict, he had a family friend around his age check in on him daily (like make sure he was alive and had food), and everyone seemed really worried about him...
At the same time they were ALL super happy that we were dating......
I liked feeling wanted and purposeful and that I had the ability to save someone so lost.
I felt like I NEEDED to be with him ALL of the time because if I wasn't, something would happen. He would disappear, cheat on me, or die. He was like sand, always about to slip through my fingertips.
One night about 6 months into our relationship, we planned to meet at his place at 2:00 am, after we both went out with our own friends. I had a key to his apartment and was to let myself in as always. I texted him at 1:15 am and he said he was on his way home and I should meet him there at 2:00 am. At 2:15 am, I let myself in and found a half naked woman passed out on his couch. She wasn't wearing a top or bra. To this day, I have no idea who she was or what really happened before I arrived. I freaked out and we got into a physical fight. I punched and hit him and ran out of the apartment. He slapped me across the face and pulled my hair. I fled to the elevator and out of the building. As I tried to hail a cab, he chased me downstairs and begged me to come back up. He was crying, sobbing for forgiveness.
I relented. I was afraid.
The passed out girl was still there when we came back up. I woke her, got her clothes from the bedroom and offered her water and cab fare. She had no idea who we were or where she was. I stayed with The Sociopath and had sex with him that night....it just made me ill to write that sentence. This is not behavior of a healthy person, but he wanted it and he never did. I was so confused. I was battling so many demons then....
In the morning, we woke up and ordered pizza and acted like nothing happened. Back to basics.
After the half naked girl incident, I began to pull back. I knew it was a bad situation, but I was scared of him. I was scared he could hurt me. I was afraid that he could kill me. He used me to look good to his parents....so he could continue to ask them for help and money...I was his validation...a sweet attractive Jewish girl from one town over (his parents were Jewish and very kind), if we were together, he couldn't be that much of a monster, could he. I know this now at 31..they were pushing marriage upon our second meeting. I was valuable to him, he didn't want to be with me, but he didn't want to let me go either.
9 months into our relationship, we were fighting all the time. I knew it was only a matter of time until I could get out of this relationship, so I looked for a way. I was too scared to confide in anyone about how bad and dysfunctional this really was. At the time, I felt embarrassed and like a failure because I wasted almost a year on this mess and I had no self esteem, I thought this was the best I could do, I really did.
One Friday, he didn't text or call me back all day. I waited and waited. I got worried, I thought he might have drunk himself to death and I remember being scared that I could be blamed for it. Upon the 24th hour of not hearing from him, I knew it was my chance to catch him some way or another. He was either up to no good or dead. My grandfather had fallen ill and my hair iron was at Socio's place, so before I headed up to see my family, I stopped there for it. It was a good excuse. It made sense for me to come over for it.
It was now early Saturday morning and I was worried about Socio because I "cared."
Since I had the key, I was able to enter the building and his apartment without issue. Upon turning the lock, I knew something wasn't right....
TO BE CONTINUED.......
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Square Peg in a Round Hole
I am a square peg. I don't fit into a round hole. If you aren't familiar with the expression, click here.
I can recall the minute I knew I was a square peg. It was when I was 9 years old, after I moved from the east coast (YAY) to the midwest (NAY). I remember one day at recess a red playground ball got stuck on the roof during a heated game of kickball. I said loudly "the ball is stuck on the rooooooooooof" in my NJ accent and everyone laughed and made fun of me and corrected me...."it's ruuuuff, not rooooooooooof," oh is it here, I thought....hmmmmmm, I am so different, even the way I speak is wrong......I remember going home and practicing it, "ruuuuuuuuuuuuf". WEIRDO.
I am a bit of a chameleon. I have always had no problem attracting friends, but I have had trouble keeping them. Why you may ask? Because most of the people who like me, I simply do not like in return. I do not think they are good people or worthy of my time, so I let them in and often get forced mothering them (weak people are drawn to me) and then I subconsciously stop talking to them because they exhaust me. When I realize that I accomplished what I truly wanted to and made them go away, I think about them and cry.......because I feel left out when I heard they had a party that they didn't ask me to even though I wouldn't have attended it for a million dollars....
Before you stop reading and fake sympathy for my champagne silly problems, please realize that there is a little bit of hope in this personal (silly) conundrum......
I no longer do this.
It's a very recent development, like a post-Awful change, when so much of me evolved for the better. I have been fighting this personal growth to be a better person since I was 22 or so....but I stuffed it back inside....I didn't shed my skin like a snake, or explode like a volcano....I shoved the real me to the darkest corner of my internal closet and lived a life as someone I didn't really respect...an impostor, a fraud, a fake. I became everyone to everybody, but no one to the person that really mattered, ME. I became a virtual stranger to my soul.
I am confidant enough now to only make an effort with people I like and WANT in my life. Everyone else is simply not on my radar. A reason why I don't partake in Facebook is this fact and this fact alone: I honestly do not care what anyone I don't correspond with at least monthly is doing. I need to spend the time I would spend on Facebook comparing my life to people who I barely know, to improving my OWN life. Last year, after I deactivated my FB account, I thought for a moment or two, that one day when I got engaged or married, I would log back on and flip everyone a virtual bird because there is no better revenge than being happy.
Now, that I am in a place where I do feel I could make the haters hate in due time via aggressive FB posts and photos all about ME ME ME and my good fortune and my house, car, and life.....I would NEVER actually do that....because I am already filled up. I don't need validation anymore because I have given it to myself (I know I am coming off as super preachy, but I just HAVE to share because it is a HUGE step for me).
(SIDE-NOTE: Awful kinda ruined FB for me post break up....and it gave me all kinds of anxiety and bad feelings. If you can use it appropriately, I can see the allure, I just personally can't handle it because I used to get very territorial about friends and I "maturely" (CRAZY) felt like he was stealing mine and in some ways I still believe this, but I also never really liked or connected with many of the people he stole, so no biggie anyway...the ones that are truly special to me, I still speak to.)
I never really fit in, not in elementary school, in junior high, or in high school. I didn't make a sorority in college initially. I didn't have a huge group of new friends in my 20's. Yet, I have always been sought after, popular, and inquired about. I am a contradiction. I am always a bit in and a bit out and I am FINALLY realizing why......
It is because I am the square peg, but in a good way. I am true to myself. I have a hard time doing things I don't believe in. I can't fake it forever. I may be able to fool you for a while, but in due time, my dam will break and I will bubble over and I will lash out and the truth will set me free....
Then, I will hurt your feelings....because I never really liked you anyway.....I was simply in our friendship or relationship for you, because you liked me first and I didn't want to hurt your feelings by controlling my own time, my own body, or offering you my own opinion. I didn't want to tell you that I didn't like you and could never truly love you, not with my entire heart and soul, not forever as a friend or love should. I am not a bad person, just a formally weak one, I cared too much about your heart, even though you didn't really care about me....I didn't want to hurt your feelings or tell you to go away. I wanted to put the bad, the end, the blame on you, so I could be a victim and not a bully. I wanted the easy way out....well, not anymore.
I have a few friends I love. Most of them are a bit of square pegs themselves.......they can speak their minds and beat to their own drums and they have all been around for a long time. I have a lot of people in my life always, but friends are sacred and I only extend this title to a few.
I have never met anyone who reminds me as much of myself as Crush does. He is the squarest square peg I know. This is why I love him as much as I do. I always thought that no one would ever really understand me (aside from my family and a few girlfriends) and he does. He is just like me, he doesn't really fit no matter how hard your force him into the hole, but you would never know it by looking at him.....
I can recall the minute I knew I was a square peg. It was when I was 9 years old, after I moved from the east coast (YAY) to the midwest (NAY). I remember one day at recess a red playground ball got stuck on the roof during a heated game of kickball. I said loudly "the ball is stuck on the rooooooooooof" in my NJ accent and everyone laughed and made fun of me and corrected me...."it's ruuuuff, not rooooooooooof," oh is it here, I thought....hmmmmmm, I am so different, even the way I speak is wrong......I remember going home and practicing it, "ruuuuuuuuuuuuf". WEIRDO.
I am a bit of a chameleon. I have always had no problem attracting friends, but I have had trouble keeping them. Why you may ask? Because most of the people who like me, I simply do not like in return. I do not think they are good people or worthy of my time, so I let them in and often get forced mothering them (weak people are drawn to me) and then I subconsciously stop talking to them because they exhaust me. When I realize that I accomplished what I truly wanted to and made them go away, I think about them and cry.......because I feel left out when I heard they had a party that they didn't ask me to even though I wouldn't have attended it for a million dollars....
Before you stop reading and fake sympathy for my champagne silly problems, please realize that there is a little bit of hope in this personal (silly) conundrum......
I no longer do this.
It's a very recent development, like a post-Awful change, when so much of me evolved for the better. I have been fighting this personal growth to be a better person since I was 22 or so....but I stuffed it back inside....I didn't shed my skin like a snake, or explode like a volcano....I shoved the real me to the darkest corner of my internal closet and lived a life as someone I didn't really respect...an impostor, a fraud, a fake. I became everyone to everybody, but no one to the person that really mattered, ME. I became a virtual stranger to my soul.
I am confidant enough now to only make an effort with people I like and WANT in my life. Everyone else is simply not on my radar. A reason why I don't partake in Facebook is this fact and this fact alone: I honestly do not care what anyone I don't correspond with at least monthly is doing. I need to spend the time I would spend on Facebook comparing my life to people who I barely know, to improving my OWN life. Last year, after I deactivated my FB account, I thought for a moment or two, that one day when I got engaged or married, I would log back on and flip everyone a virtual bird because there is no better revenge than being happy.
Now, that I am in a place where I do feel I could make the haters hate in due time via aggressive FB posts and photos all about ME ME ME and my good fortune and my house, car, and life.....I would NEVER actually do that....because I am already filled up. I don't need validation anymore because I have given it to myself (I know I am coming off as super preachy, but I just HAVE to share because it is a HUGE step for me).
(SIDE-NOTE: Awful kinda ruined FB for me post break up....and it gave me all kinds of anxiety and bad feelings. If you can use it appropriately, I can see the allure, I just personally can't handle it because I used to get very territorial about friends and I "maturely" (CRAZY) felt like he was stealing mine and in some ways I still believe this, but I also never really liked or connected with many of the people he stole, so no biggie anyway...the ones that are truly special to me, I still speak to.)
I never really fit in, not in elementary school, in junior high, or in high school. I didn't make a sorority in college initially. I didn't have a huge group of new friends in my 20's. Yet, I have always been sought after, popular, and inquired about. I am a contradiction. I am always a bit in and a bit out and I am FINALLY realizing why......
It is because I am the square peg, but in a good way. I am true to myself. I have a hard time doing things I don't believe in. I can't fake it forever. I may be able to fool you for a while, but in due time, my dam will break and I will bubble over and I will lash out and the truth will set me free....
Then, I will hurt your feelings....because I never really liked you anyway.....I was simply in our friendship or relationship for you, because you liked me first and I didn't want to hurt your feelings by controlling my own time, my own body, or offering you my own opinion. I didn't want to tell you that I didn't like you and could never truly love you, not with my entire heart and soul, not forever as a friend or love should. I am not a bad person, just a formally weak one, I cared too much about your heart, even though you didn't really care about me....I didn't want to hurt your feelings or tell you to go away. I wanted to put the bad, the end, the blame on you, so I could be a victim and not a bully. I wanted the easy way out....well, not anymore.
I have a few friends I love. Most of them are a bit of square pegs themselves.......they can speak their minds and beat to their own drums and they have all been around for a long time. I have a lot of people in my life always, but friends are sacred and I only extend this title to a few.
I have never met anyone who reminds me as much of myself as Crush does. He is the squarest square peg I know. This is why I love him as much as I do. I always thought that no one would ever really understand me (aside from my family and a few girlfriends) and he does. He is just like me, he doesn't really fit no matter how hard your force him into the hole, but you would never know it by looking at him.....
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Change
I feel a change happening in me and I am really excited.
I am FINALLY starting to get some balls.
If you owe me money for my work, you will be paying. For real. Or, we are going to small claims court or Judge Judy (I LOVE JUDGE JUDY!!!).
I am not scared anymore.
I deserve respect, common courtesy, and gratitude for my hard work.
I don't work for free.
Pay or go away.
No more work without a deposit AND a signed contract.
I would rather take good business and get good referrals than take bad clients and pay out of pocket for stupidity.
NO more Mrs. Nice Guy all the time.
I live in reality and if you want to work with me, than you will have to, too.
I have a talent, a gift, and I care more about other people than most people do.
If you work with me, you are lucky.
I give everyone my heart, soul, sweat, tears, and 110 percent effort.
If you think you will get a better deal for the level of work I do, you are CRAZY.
There is no one quite like me when it comes to my work ethic.
Sleepless nights, driving 500 miles out of my way free of charge to get something irreplaceable, getting deals because I am kind, honest, and ethical and because people WANT to work with me.....THANK YOU!
I give people in my industry a good name. I don't take money out of other people's pockets behind their backs.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
I am FINALLY starting to get some balls.
If you owe me money for my work, you will be paying. For real. Or, we are going to small claims court or Judge Judy (I LOVE JUDGE JUDY!!!).
I am not scared anymore.
I deserve respect, common courtesy, and gratitude for my hard work.
I don't work for free.
Pay or go away.
No more work without a deposit AND a signed contract.
I would rather take good business and get good referrals than take bad clients and pay out of pocket for stupidity.
NO more Mrs. Nice Guy all the time.
I live in reality and if you want to work with me, than you will have to, too.
I have a talent, a gift, and I care more about other people than most people do.
If you work with me, you are lucky.
I give everyone my heart, soul, sweat, tears, and 110 percent effort.
If you think you will get a better deal for the level of work I do, you are CRAZY.
There is no one quite like me when it comes to my work ethic.
Sleepless nights, driving 500 miles out of my way free of charge to get something irreplaceable, getting deals because I am kind, honest, and ethical and because people WANT to work with me.....THANK YOU!
I give people in my industry a good name. I don't take money out of other people's pockets behind their backs.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster.
Monday, October 29, 2012
One Year Later and I'm Back!
I'm back.
My trip was grand. Sweet, sensual, emotional, new. I have never felt this way before. It is awesome.
I am not a perfect person. I am the first to call myself out here. I was always a bit broken, a bit empty, a bit confused. I liked to blame others, to feel anger, to express my rage, to wail that "life is so unfair!" I still feel this way sometimes, I am only a person.
I took a risk this year. The Crush says that I was brave. I like that. I was brave. I walked away from a situation with Awful that just wasn't working. He really didn't love me, but it was comfortable. With Awful, I got to live a fancy life, have pish-posh possessions, go to expensive restaurants, visit summer homes, take trips....but, but, well.....oy, it was so empty. I would rather cuddle in a box with Crush than spend 1 hour in a mansion with Awful. Life can change so fast. Never forget that.
Today marks one year since I walked out of my life with Awful. One year since I called up my parents sobbing at the ripe old age of 30 and begged to be rescued. One year since I fled the empty promises and decided to start the best life for ME. How humbling it has been. Broke, alone, in my childhood bed, scared, failing I felt, but at the same time learning. Feeling the lowest of low. Letting myself be sad. Not lying about my situation. Not sugarcoating my reality...."yes, things suck right now, but they won't forever." Even in my darkest hours, I knew something better had to come. The light had to break through the clouds. It couldn't get worse, it could only get better. I hit rock bottom. I hit it so hard, I almost knocked my front teeth out.
A few months into my personal transformation, the anger subsided, the "how could he do this to me" left my heart, and I started to stand up a little straighter again, I started to rest, I started to stop the cycle of eating my feelings to calm my emotions. I started to change. I started to quite frankly chill the fuck out.
So, now I am here. One year later. Life is the best it has been in a long time. All of a sudden, I am at peace. I love my family. I love my friends. I am genuinely elated for their happy and broken for their sad. I am not faking it. I am not the green-eyed monster. I am just living life for me and for others, but there is a new balance.
On the second night of Crush and my vacation, he told me that he "felt like he was being rewarded by meeting me because he has always been a good person at the heart of things." Yes, he is a person and a man no less, he's far from perfect, screw perfect, it doesn't exist. He has done dumb shit, but he has owned it....just like me. He said that he knows the "good is coming for us because we did the work internally to bring it to us." I SO believe this. Karma. Basic balance. Apologize when needed, admit fault when you are wrong, learn from the mistakes and try not to make them again. Be conscious, be present, be open to change.
So, what is next? Well, I will be meeting his family in a few weeks and then we will see. I am pretty confidant about us, but I do not want to jinx it. Hopefully, this is it, but if it isn't, well, then the real deal is coming for me. Why? Because I AM FINALLY READY! My heart is ready. I am open and accepting of love, so I know it can come and find me. I am simply enjoying just getting to know Crush better. Everything about him. We have a ton in common, yes, but we are 2 very different people, too.
Our love story has the makings of a modern fairy tale or an urban legend if it all works out. But, if it doesn't, that's okay, too. I let myself feel and for me, that is the best accomplishment of all!
And if you care and are open to TMI.....the sex was FABULOUS.
My trip was grand. Sweet, sensual, emotional, new. I have never felt this way before. It is awesome.
I am not a perfect person. I am the first to call myself out here. I was always a bit broken, a bit empty, a bit confused. I liked to blame others, to feel anger, to express my rage, to wail that "life is so unfair!" I still feel this way sometimes, I am only a person.
I took a risk this year. The Crush says that I was brave. I like that. I was brave. I walked away from a situation with Awful that just wasn't working. He really didn't love me, but it was comfortable. With Awful, I got to live a fancy life, have pish-posh possessions, go to expensive restaurants, visit summer homes, take trips....but, but, well.....oy, it was so empty. I would rather cuddle in a box with Crush than spend 1 hour in a mansion with Awful. Life can change so fast. Never forget that.
Today marks one year since I walked out of my life with Awful. One year since I called up my parents sobbing at the ripe old age of 30 and begged to be rescued. One year since I fled the empty promises and decided to start the best life for ME. How humbling it has been. Broke, alone, in my childhood bed, scared, failing I felt, but at the same time learning. Feeling the lowest of low. Letting myself be sad. Not lying about my situation. Not sugarcoating my reality...."yes, things suck right now, but they won't forever." Even in my darkest hours, I knew something better had to come. The light had to break through the clouds. It couldn't get worse, it could only get better. I hit rock bottom. I hit it so hard, I almost knocked my front teeth out.
A few months into my personal transformation, the anger subsided, the "how could he do this to me" left my heart, and I started to stand up a little straighter again, I started to rest, I started to stop the cycle of eating my feelings to calm my emotions. I started to change. I started to quite frankly chill the fuck out.
So, now I am here. One year later. Life is the best it has been in a long time. All of a sudden, I am at peace. I love my family. I love my friends. I am genuinely elated for their happy and broken for their sad. I am not faking it. I am not the green-eyed monster. I am just living life for me and for others, but there is a new balance.
On the second night of Crush and my vacation, he told me that he "felt like he was being rewarded by meeting me because he has always been a good person at the heart of things." Yes, he is a person and a man no less, he's far from perfect, screw perfect, it doesn't exist. He has done dumb shit, but he has owned it....just like me. He said that he knows the "good is coming for us because we did the work internally to bring it to us." I SO believe this. Karma. Basic balance. Apologize when needed, admit fault when you are wrong, learn from the mistakes and try not to make them again. Be conscious, be present, be open to change.
So, what is next? Well, I will be meeting his family in a few weeks and then we will see. I am pretty confidant about us, but I do not want to jinx it. Hopefully, this is it, but if it isn't, well, then the real deal is coming for me. Why? Because I AM FINALLY READY! My heart is ready. I am open and accepting of love, so I know it can come and find me. I am simply enjoying just getting to know Crush better. Everything about him. We have a ton in common, yes, but we are 2 very different people, too.
Our love story has the makings of a modern fairy tale or an urban legend if it all works out. But, if it doesn't, that's okay, too. I let myself feel and for me, that is the best accomplishment of all!
And if you care and are open to TMI.....the sex was FABULOUS.
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